REVIEW UPDATE: The Last Of The Bond Flicks...

Hello, folks...

Hope everyone is enjoying the end of the weekend, wherever in the World you may be. Sorry for the delay in getting the remaining Bond Movie reviews posted. In our efforts to attend both the local Italian Film Festival last weekend, as well as the MLS playoff battle between the Sounders and the Galaxy the day after, we got caught in some inclement weather and I paid for it by turning into a Human Petri Dish. Much better now, but being out of commission delayed the reviews. As of today, we are somewhat caught up.

With the reviews for DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, THUNDERBALL, and YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE posted, that leaves only ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE, DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, LIVE AND LET DIE, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN, THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, MOONRAKER, OCTOPUSSY, and A VIEW TO A KILL left to review. All other Bond films have been reviewed during our initial 365 MOVIE REVIEWS IN 365 DAYS run back in 2010-2011, or just recently.

Have a great week, folks... In closing, what better song to choose as our Movie Music Track Of The Week than.... "Skyfall" by Adele, the title theme from SKYFALL.

# 493 - YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967 - BOND FLICK # 5 / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) **** out of *****

(Bond samples Sushi for the first time - ahem...)



CAST: Sean Connery, Donald Pleasence, Akiko Wakabayashi, Mie Hama, Desmond Llewellyn, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Tetsuro Tanba,Teru Shimada.

DIRECTOR: Lewis Gilbert

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some frisky Bond-Jap Chickie antics straight aheadd...



IT'S LIKE THIS: After having explored the Caribbean, USA, and Europe in the first four Bond flicks (DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, GOLDFINGER, THUNDERBALL), the producers of the franchise probably thought it was high time to set a Bond Movie in Asia - just to have a fresh environment to set the action in. Either that, or they wanted to give James Bond a shot at some Asian poon-tang. How else then should we interpret the opening scene in this movie where Jimbo is about to piledrive a Chinese chick and tells her that "Chinese girls taste different"? Guess this is his first slurping up some, uh, chow mein and soy sauce.

Anyhow, before Bond can get all Sweet N' Sour Freaky with the Chinese chick, he gets killed. Yes, folks... killed. Don't worry, because if he really was dead, this would be the shortest Bond movie - and the shortest Movie Franchise - ever. But since we know a little movie called SKYFALL came out a month ago and is currently cornholing the competition at the worldwide box-office, we know instinctively that our boy Bond hasn't breathed his last. Sure enough, we find out that the "assassination" was an elaborate attempt to... well, whatever. I'm still trying to figure out what the whole production of faking his death was about.

I suppose it was because he didn't like the taste of that Chinese chick, after all, and had his buddies bail him out by "killing" him. You know how you'll have a buddy call you five minutes into a date, and if the dude you're with is a boring lemon, you'll pretend it's some emergency about your cats (ahem) and excuse yourself. However, if the dude is a fusion of Chris Evans and Andrew Garfield, then you'll tell him the truth and say that your dumbass buddy is calling you for some "nookie" because he's feeling particularly "hornely" (a cross between "horny" and "lonely"), but that you have just told him to go fuck himself instead, because there is no way in hell you are walking out on someone who looks like a cross between Chris Evans and Andrew Garfield. In other words, Bond thinks that Chinese chick is a boring lemon - and split, even if it meant he had to go out in a body bag. Damn.

But I digress. Anyhow, no sooner than Bond (Sean Connery) has been revived does he get his new mission, which is to go to Japan - and thwart some bald baddie named Blofeld (Donald Pleasence) from (yawn) taking over the world again. Yes, folks: another week, another dumb shit wanting to take over or destroy the planet. And yet another reason for Bond to go fuck exotic chicks half a world away. Fortunately, it appears that Bond much prefers the taste of Japanese women over Chinese ones, because soon he is slammin' pelvises with Agent Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi), who works for the Japanese secret service. She helps Bond infiltrate the mysterious Osato company to recover some, well, whatever.

However, just to remind Bond that Caucasian pussy ain't exactly something to toss out of bed for eating crackers (bad visual), who should show up but Helga Brandt (Karin Dor), an executive assistant for the head of the Osato company, Mister, uh, Osato (Teru Shimada). She basically flirts with Bond, gets his dick hard, then tries to kill him, which is pretty much the standard relationship arc for this guy in all his movies. I guess sex is better when you know that the only thing keeping the person you are fucking from killing you, is the fact that you haven't made him/her cum HARD yet. Better delay that pleasure, Jimmy boy, if you know what is good for you.

Whatever. At any rate, it doesn't take long for Helga to bite it. I mean, death - not Bond's cock. Although I'm sure that probably happened during foreplay. She dies because her assassination attempt on Bond failed like a condom made out of rice paper. Her boss, Blofeld (Donald Pleasence), does not tolerate failure and feeds her to a bunch of piranhas, who give her the, uh, eating-out of a lifetime. Yes, it's as gross as it sounds, folks. So, this basically leaves Blofeld even more determined to kill Bond and keep him from discovering, well, whatever the fuck Blofeld is hiding.

Before you know it, Tiger Tanaka (Testuro Tanba), head of Japanese Secret Service, gets a tip that some strange goings-on have been, um, going on near an offshore island, but the only way Bond can get on the island is to - oh, yes, you will laugh - pose as a Japanese person. Folks, allow me to enumerate why this shit could never work in real life: (1) Japanese men are about as hairy as eggshells, while Sean Connery is hairier than your hairiest Italian man; (2) Japanese men have small noses, while Sean Connery has a nose bigger than most Japanese men's entire heads; (3) Japanese men have small almond-shaped eyes, while Sean Connery's eyes are so round they could power a couple of lighthouse beams; (4) Japanese men are short and are sometimes mistaken for schoolchildren, while Sean Connery is as big as Paul Bunyon and is often mistaken for Bigfoot; and most significantly: (5) Japanese men (at least back then) treat their women like shit, while James Bond treats his women like... well, never mind.

Anyhow, before you know it, our brainiacs have dyed Bond's hair black, darkened his skin, used mascara to make his eyes look smaller and cat-like, and thrown his body into a full-length robe to hide the fact that he's got more body hair than your basic Guido and housecat, combined. I don't know anyone with a half-functioning pair of eyes and brain that would be fooled by this get-up, but everyone in this movie seems to accept this lumbering 6'2"-tall "Japanese" man who looks like Sean Connery-in-drag without the slightest hesitation. Like I said, whatevs...

Oh, and I forgot to mention that Tiger, that scoundrel, forces Bond into a fake marriage as part of his "cover." As if it wasn't ridiculous enough that Bond is trying to pass himself off as the World's Least Japanese-Looking Japanese Man, he also has to take a bride so that people will accept him even more. Right. Is someone slipping Absinthe in the screenwriter's tea? Pass that shit around. Again, whatever. So Bond fake-marries, ahem, Kissy Suzuki (Mie Hama), another Japanese Secret Service Agent to cement his, double ahem, "Japanese" status. That's kind of like Miss Jay from AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL trying to pass himself (herself? itself?) off as, um, James Bond. Pardon me, I just shat myself trying not to laugh.

So... will Bond and Kissy be able to figure out what Blofeld is doing off that island’s coast? Where is Blofeld's secret lair? What is he hiding in there? And why is he so pissed-off, anyhow? How will Bond stop him? Is there really any stopping an angry fat fuck with a lot of money and even more time on his hands? Is this the end of the world, as we know it? Will Bond save the day?

Take a wild guess, brainiacs...


BUT, SERIOUSLY: We're dashing off for a screening, so please excuse the shortness of this review. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is the first film that really begins to take the template established and cemented by GOLDFINGER and THUNDERBALL - and blows it over the top. That is not meant to be a negative. The Bond series have become known, for better or worse, for their larger-than-life feel, and this film really starts to capture that. In comparison, the first four films feel more grounded and realistic. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE ramps up the action and spectacle considerably, giving the film a really epic feel and sleekly futuristic look.

Connery is, as always, terrific. Karin Dor, Akiko Wakabayashi, and Mie Hama are solid Bond Girls. I do wish that Wakabayashi's Aki wasn't killed off so close to the climax of the film. She is replaced in the climax by Hama's Kissy, who is introduced very late in the game the way the series' very first Bond girl, Honey Ryder, was back in DR. NO. Better to have either introduced Kissy much sooner, or keep Aki as the main Bond Girl and have her survive all the way past the end credits. Still, this imbalance doesn't hinder the film much.

Then there's Donald Pleasence as the classic Bond Villain, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Unlike Charles Aznavour's more polished interpretation in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971) or Telly Savalas' more cocky approach in ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969), Pleasence turns Blofeld here into a distinctly sinister presence who chills you with a single look. This version of the character is the one that people remember the best and is the one that is often aped and spoofed in films like the AUSTIN POWERS flicks.

Japan, my third favorite country after Italy and Britain, is given a beautiful showcase in this movie, and it's great to see all facets of The Land Of The Rising Sun explored beautifully: sleek cities, rural mountains, and exotic islands. Many folks from outside Japan think only of the glass-and-steel jungles of Tokyo, Osaka, and Kyoto when they think of Japan. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE shows all of country's beautiful environments: urban, rural, and in-between.

All in all, YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is more of a spectacle-and-action driven Bond Movie and less of an espionage-thriller Bond movie, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, in this case, it's a very enjoyable thing.

# 492 - THUNDERBALL (1965)

THUNDERBALL (1965 - BOND FLICK # 4 / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) **** out of *****

(Bond in a scuba suit - heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!)



CAST: Sean Connery, Claudine Auger, Luciana Palluzzi, Adolfo Celi, Rick Van Nutter, Martine Beswick, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewellyn, Lois Maxwell, Paul Stassino, Molly Peters, Rose Alba.

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some soaking wet Bond-Scuba antics straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: I've always said that scuba diving is probably the best sport there is. Due, mainly to three reasons: (1) it's exciting as hell and you always see something new each time you go underwater; (2) you get to see a lot of hot half-naked people in tight neoprene suits; and (3) you get to see a lot of hot half-naked people in tight neoprene suits. Par-tay! So, given that the Bond Franchise is about activities that are exciting as hell and also about hot half-naked people in tight neoprene suits, it's only natural that scuba diving would figure prominently in many of its movies. The first time, however, was in THUNDERBALL in 1965.

After riding Honey Ryder in DR. NO, plowing Tatiana Romanova in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, and curing Pussy Galore of pesky lesbianism in GOLDINGER, Bond decided he wanted to mack on some tropical pussy - and headed over to the Bahamas to get wet. And so for this fourth adventure, we find Bond trying to thwart good ol' SPECTRE again as they try to detonate a nuke off Nassau to kickstart World War 3. Which, frankly, makes no goddamn sense because who would be left to rule and be ruled if we're all reduced to vapor? Whatever. I don't write these things. I just go along for the ride – like a Happy Ending soccer game. It’s like a Happy Ending massage, but even dirtier. Ahem.

But I digress. Anyway, Bond's mission gets complicated by a few folks: (1) Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi), jackass who is trying to recover a NATO warhead from a sunken plane wreck offshore; (2) Domino Derval (Claudine Auger), Largo's girlfriend who wonders why the fuck she took up with this asshole in the first place; and (3) Fiona Volpe (Luciana Palluzzi), baddie chick who can't decide whether to shoot Bond - or fuck him first THEN shoot him – or SHOOT him first THEN fuck him. Which is just gross. Fortunately, after three adventures, Bond is getting pretty savvy on this whole secret agent thang and navigates his way through the tricky plot with the ease of a guy who's become an expert at trimming his pubes. And if you scoff at that skill, let me remind just how nerve-wracking it is to have a power razor right next to your dick. Respect, folks… respect.

So... will Bond be able to recover the nuclear warhead from the sunken place before Largo does? Or will Largo and his team of super-duper divers beat him to it? Will Domino discover that Largo actually killed her brother, a NATO official, in order to steal the warhead? Will Fiona fuck Bond - and then fuck him up? Or will Bond beat her to it? And the most important question of all: how hot does Sean Connery look in that scuba suit? Siiiiiiiizzzzzzllllleeee!

Par-tay!


BUT, SERIOUSLY: After setting the tone with DR. NO, establishing roots with FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, then setting the template with GOLDFINGER, the Bond franchise really exploded with the release of THUNDERBALL. To date, THUNDERBALL remains the Bonf Franchise’s highest grossing film, adjusted for inflation. SKYFALL may or may not take that title after it finishes its run, but THUNDERBALL will always be one of the most financially successful Bond movies ever. And it's easy to see why: the series really hit its stride with this movie. FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE will always be my favorite Connery Bond movie (my # 2 Bond Movie of all time), but THUNDERBALL is my second favorite Connery Bond movie because of its confident, assured tone and snappy, biting dialogue. Bond has a real edge here that is both alluring and intimidating. GOLDFINGER might have set the template, but THUNERBALL cemented it.

The setting of Nassau, Bahamas is a vibrant backdrop for the plot to unfold against, which is essentially a chase/race against time to retrieve the stolen/sunken nuclear warheads before they are used for nefarious purposes. The underwater scuba diving scenes are all vivid and galvanizing (especially for a film from 1966), and the climactic boat chase is fairly energetic and "modern-feeling" for an older action film. This further serves to remind us just how much the Bond Franchise paved the way for the other action films. They truly were ground-breaking.

As for Sean Connery, by now, the role of Bond fits like a perfectly tailored suit and he moves with grace and ease in it. His exchanges with series regulars like M, Q, and Moneypenny have the ring of old familiar friendships, while his interactions with Bond Girls Domino and Fiona have some real spice. His testy relationship with Fiona Volpe, in particular, is a forerunner to Bond's equally sexy cat-and-mouse games with Xenia Onatopp in GOLDENEYE, Elektra King in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Miranda Frost in DIE ANOTHER DAY, and Severine in SKYFALL.

As for the Bond Girls, well, they may not rank in my TOP 10, but they are certainly vivid and memorable and sit comfortably around #14 and #15. Claudine Auger is the right mix of enigma, strength, and fragility, and in keeping with the Good Bond Girls of the 60's, is more on the passive and vulnerable side, but Auger plays her with such an air of mystery that you can't help but be entranced by her. Conversely, Luciana Palluzzi gives Fiona Volpe just the opposite: an aggressive and deadly relentlessness that is like the flip side of Domino's cool feline allure. As they say, a cat can be both fiery and icy at the same time, and Domino and Fiona appear to be essaying those two different sides. Both actresses to their roles proud.

As for Emilio Largo, he's a solid villain who occupies the mid-range within the Bond Villain pantheon. He may not be as outre and colorful as Blofeld or Max Zorin, nor as complex and fascinating as Elektra King or Franz Sanchez, but he is still a creditable baddie who is equal to the task of being a threat to James Bond and the rest of the world. Adolfo Celi more than holds his own with the rest of the accomplished cast, and turns Largo into a solid villain.

Ultimately, THUNDERBALL really cements the template that the Bond franchise would run with for the next 45 years. It is often overlooked because the first three Bond Movies usually get lavished with attention - but it is more than worthy of being celebrated.

# 491 - FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963)

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963 - BOND FLICK # 2 / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) ****1/2 out of *****

(Introducing Bond, James Bond - Her Royal Majesty's Poonhound)



CAST: Sean Connery, Daniela Bianchi, Lotte Lenya, Robert Shaw, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewellyn, Lois Maxwell, Pedro Armendariz, Eunice Grayson.

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some frisky Bond-Russkie antics straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: I have a friend who has a serious boner for Russian chicks. His dream is to meet a tall Russian babe with high cheekbones and long legs and pouty full lips and smoldering dark eyes and long flowing shiny chestnut brown hair who will cook borscht and serve caviar for him. If he were a Bond Movie fan, he would know that he should just save his fucking time and settle for your average normal boring American chick. Because if the Bond movies are anything to go by, Russian chicks are a bunch of intense, unpredictable, mysterious, cunning, seductive, devious little whore-bitches who are forever hiding something up their sleeves and keeping their cards close to their chests. Then again, a lot of dumbass guys actually like that.

Whatever. Anyhow, our second Bond adventure finds our boy James (Sean Connery) returning from his first mission in DR. NO to discover that his boss M (Bernard Lee) has got another job lined up for him - and it’s a head-scratcher. It seems that Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi), some Russian cryptography clerk in the Russkie consulate in Istanbul, would like to defect to the West, and is willing to bring some Top Secret Russian spy technology with her. One condition, though: James Bond himself has to be the one to escort her to safety. M and Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell) are puzzled that she would ask for Bond by name since they have never met. Bond, however, isn't. Let's just say that when you are Cock of the Block like he is, your reputation precedes you. And so does your, uh, cock.

Before you know it, Bond is meeting Tatiana in Istanbul and, sure enough, she is a major hottie. She reveals to him that she has stolen a Russian spy device called the Lekter Decoder, which is some sort of code-cracking weapon that the US and UK really want to get their hands on. Soon, Bond and Tatiana (or Tati) are posing a man and wife, and board the Orient Express that will travel all the way from Istanbul, Turkey to Venice, Italy. Gee, how will they pass all that train-chugging time, me wonders? Easy: with a lot of loin-slapping time, baby!!!. In other words, they will fuck each other six ways from Saturday. Works for me. Big time. Very big time.

Unfortunately, I must remind you about what we discussed earlier about Russian Chicks being a bunch of intense, unpredictable, mysterious, cunning, seductive, devious little whore-bitches who are forever hiding something up their sleeves and keeping their cards close to their chests. Sure enough, we soon find out that Tatiana is a double agent working for Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya), a former KGB crone who has betrayed Russia and is now working for SPECTRE, which is kind of like the UN or NATO - except they're against world peace and more for world destruction. It seems that Rosa has enlisted Tatiana to steal the Lekter Decoder from the Russian government and give it to her bosses at SPECTRE. And she has also sent her pretty-boy goon Red Grant (Robert Shaw) to tail Bond and Tatiana on the Orient Express - and kill them both at the right time before running off with the Lekter device. Not good, folks. Not good.

But before we go any further, let's talk a little about Rosa Klebb. Technically, she is a Bond girl, because she is a major female character with an important role in a Bond movie. However, I would seriously doubt if Bond would ever fuck her even with someone else's dick tied to a ten-foot pole. Let's just say our girl Rosa is a bit on the plain side. The whole time I was watching FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, I would cringe whenever she would walk onscreen. I mean the girl has potential, but damn - did her mother forget to tell her about the importance of moisturizer and hairstylists? Is Russia really that backwards? I seriously wanted to jump into the movie and be all like: "Girl, what the actual fuck is up with that hair? You're not hopeless, sweetie, but you really have to learn how to use what Mother Nature gave you. Let's tame that frizzy bush and get some tawny highlights in there and slather some Clinique on that skin - and for the love of Nair, who the hell told you that mustaches on women are sexy?"

Whatever. So... how long before Bond discovers that Tatiana has set him up? And what happens when Tatiana finds herself falling for Bond? Will she side with him? Or will Red Grant kill her for betraying Mother Russia? And what about Rosa Klebb? Will she get away with stealing the Lekter Decoder? Will she be promoted within the SPECTRE ranks? And the most important question of all: does she just really need a shopping spree at the GAP and a thorough makeover at the nearest Gene Juarez salon to turn into a good girl? I’ll help her!

Seriously - those shoes need to go...


BUT, SERIOUSLY: After the success of DR. NO in 1962, the second Bond adventure went into production almost immediately. When FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE was released a year or so later, the then-nascent Bond franchise gained even more momentum. This film took the elements introduced by DR. NO - and broadened the scale. Bond's mission is more complex, as is his relationships with the other major characters. The plot is also more serpentine than its predecessor's. What FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE shares with DR. NO is a suspenseful Hitchcockian flavor that would fade somewhat after Sean Connery's departure as Bond in the early-70's.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE is also a more serious affair than DR. NO. While the latter didn't have the flippancy that GOLDFINGER and later Bond films would be known for, it still didn't have the same gravity and grit that this second adventure has. In fact, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE has more of a classic Espionage Thriller feel than most of the entries in the Bond franchise. After ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE in 1969, we wouldn't see this "old-school" feel again until THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (which also features a fake-defection-plot) in 1987.

We also meet our heroine much sooner than in DR. NO. Tatiana shows up almost immediately after the opening credits sequence, and her introductory scene with Rosa Klebb establishes her personality with efficient strokes - as it does Klebb's. One of DR. NO's few flaws was how late it introduced Honey Ryder into the action. We didn't meet her until pretty much the third act of the film, and even though the character is more than fine, Honey ends up getting a bit letdown as far a showcase is concerned. By contrast, Tatiana is involved in the thick of things virtually from the word "go," which makes her a stronger heroine than Honey - who ironically is often listed as the Best Bond Girl simply because she was the first. That is a bit short-sighted. Daniela Bianchi also gives a nicely layered performance that feels human and real. She may not be the most kick-ass Bond Girl, but she is one of the most interesting.

Then there are Rosa Klebb and Red Grant, who are two of the top villains in the franchise. Had we had the time to expand our recent TOP 5 Bond Villains/Henchman list to a TOP 10, these two would've made the cut. Lotte Lenya is atypically unglamorous and plain and I have to wonder if this was done to heighten her menace and not make her your typical beautiful female baddie. In any case, it works. There's just something sinister about a woman who appears to be a nondescript cleaning lady - but is actually a deadly Soviet turncoat. Similarly, Robert Shaw makes up for Lenya's lack of glamour by delivering one of the most attractive, menacing, and striking henchmen in the franchise. His fight setpiece with Bond on the Orient Express in now considered a classic sequence and is often the standard by which other close-contact fight scenes in the Bond franchise are modeled after.

To sum up, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE is classic Bond, better than DR. NO and most of the other films that would follow. It benefits greatly from a serious plotline, more mature Bond, complex Bond Girl, formidable henchwoman, and fearsome henchman. Few are better than this one.

# 490 - DR. NO (1962)

DR. NO (1962 - BOND FLICK / ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE) **** out of *****

(Introducing Bond, James Bond - Her Royal Majesty's Poonhound)



CAST: Sean Connery, Ursula Andress, Joseph Wiseman, Bernard Lee, Desmond Llewellyn, Lois Maxwell, Eunice Grayson, John Kitzmiller.

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some retro-proto-Bond antics straight ahead....




IT'S LIKE THIS: You'd have to be a formidable psychic to be able to predict that a little action/thriller called DR. NO released 50 years ago in 1962 would kickstart the most enduring and robust film franchise in cinematic history. But that's exactly what happened, folks. This year, SKYFALL, the 23rd James Bond flick, was released and is kicking serious asses and taking down box office records around the globe. It's kind of like meeting a guy who looks average, with a seemingly bland personality, whom you date because you kind of feel sorry for him - only to find out he is a roaring lion in the bedroom who can go for hours and hours like a really horny Energizer bunny. If this keeps up, I may not survive to see the next Oscars. But it will have been so fucking worth it.

But I digress. Anyhow, DR. NO is a pretty good flick - but to think that it would spawn 22 other movies like it spanning the next half-century? Well, that's a bit of stretch. But yet here we are in 2012 with Daniel Craig doing his best to put the memory of Sir Sean Connery to rest. And that memory started with DR. NO, folks. This flick introduces everyone's favorite British Secret Service Agent / World Traveler / Pussy Ravager: Sir James Bond. And he looks an awful lot like Seannie C. At least in this flick. We also get to meet Bond's boss, M (Bernard Lee), as well as gadget geek Q (Desmond Llewellyn) and loyal admirer/secretary Miss Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell). As would be the norm for the series, Bond zips all around the world trying to solve some mystery while also avoiding getting his ass turned into fertilizer by various baddies - while fucking anything with a vagina or even just a moist hole.

However, unlike some future Bond flicks which have plots so complex and byzantine that you would need a UN interpreter, nuclear chemist, dead languages expert, and all-weather compass just to figure it all out, the plot of DR. NO is so simple and streamlined as to almost possibly be cobbled together by my cats Casper, Guido, and their soon-to-be-little brother, Leo.

For the love of edible body oil, I have friends who are flummoxed by the plots of THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH and SKYFALL! If I have to tell one more person one more time that Elektra brainwashed Renard - not the other way around - I think I'm going to have to choke someone to death with my thighs. And don't get me started about how they're so confused about Severine and the whole Shanghai assassination scene in SKYFALL: newsflash, folks: she was in on it. Is this honestly so hard to grasp?

Well, anyhow, they will have no problem grasping DR. NO's plot. It might as well have been called DR. SEUSS. Basically Bond follows some leads, fucks some ladies, follows more leads involving radioactive stones (or something), fucks some more ladies, avoids assassination attempts, follows even more leads - before winding up on some thoroughly unappealing-sounding island called Crab Key with his Jamaican sidekick Quarrel (John Kitzmiller). There, they meet the luscious Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress), who basically emerges from the sea carrying some big-ass shells and wearing nothing more than an itty-bitty white bikini. Yes, folks, she is the first official Bond Girl - and she is a fucking hottie.

Unfortunately, Honey was collecting sea shells from the wrong place at the very wrong time, because it appears that Crab Key is the lair of the fearsome... Dr. No (Joseph Wiseman). And he's not too keen on the idea of a British pussy marauder, Jamaican bitch-boy, and white bikini-wearing seashell collector of indeterminate nationality trespassing on his island, thank you very much. So he sends his goons after our heroic threesome. Well, it doesn't stay a threesome for very long, because Quarrel, the dumb shit, gets crispy-fried by one of Dr. No's mechanical dragons (do not even ask). That leaves only Bond and Honey now, who get taken hostage and imprisoned in Dr. No's hideout.

What does Dr. No have planned for our hero and heroine? Will they be able to figure out what Dr. No's master plan is? Will they be able to thwart it in time? What happens when a nuclear reactor in Dr. No's hideout starts counting down to kaboom? Will Bond and Honey get off Crab Key in time? Will they survive to fuck another day? Or is this the end of the Bond franchise?

A-fucking-hem, people...



BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for SKYFALL (review # 489), we talked about how there was no reason to believe that DR. NO's release 50 years ago in 1962 would signal the beginning of the most resilient and successful film series in cinematic history. That's not because DR. NO is inferior in quality. It is, in fact, a very good film. It is just not as larger-than-life or grandiose as successive Bond films would be. Make no mistake, though: while GOLDFINGER and THUNDERBALL would officially set the template that the Bond franchise would use and tweak over and over again, this very first adventure plants the seeds for that template. And that is what has been key to the survival of the Bond empire - its ability to change with the times and adapt to the current trends while staying true to its roots. That is a lot more difficult to manage than you can imagine. But yet the arrival of SKYFALL (and its record box-office take both here and abroad) last month signals yet again that the franchise knows exactly what it is doing - and is doing it very well.

What's really interesting about DR. NO is how it has echoes of Alfred Hitchcock and THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. Bond, Honey, and Quarrel's third-act adventures on Crab Key have the distinct flavor of GAME, and this generates some genuine suspense that you don't find in many later Bond films, which often emphasized over-the-top action and gadgets. As with the best Hitchcockian thrillers, DR. NO is minimalist Bond, and like other minimalist Bond flicks in the canon (CASINO ROYALE, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, SKYFALL, LICENCE TO KILL, ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE), the setpieces are fairly down-to-Earth and believable - which is a key ingredient in generating suspense. You have to be able to imagine yourself in the same scenario. Over-the-top Bond flicks like DIE ANOTHER DAY, TOMORROW NEVER DIES, MOONRAKER, and YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE may be enjoyable, but I would hardly call them suspenseful.

The cast is top-notch across the board. Heading the group is, of course, the great Sean Connery in what is surely his most iconic role. I would say that 8 of 10 people, if not more, would cite Connery as their favorite Bond - and they have every reason to do so. Connery expertly blends cockiness, intelligence, cunning, sensuality, and uncertainty to such perfect degrees that he turns Bond into a fascinating character. While Timothy Dalton still remains my favorite Bond, Connery and Daniel Craig tie for a close second. Connery would go on to fine-tune his portrayal even more with the subsequent entries, but his debut remains a very strong one and created one of the most memorable screen icons in movie history.

Desmond Llewellyn, Lois Maxwell, Bernard Lee all deliver vividly as the colleagues whom we would get to know just as well as we know Bond. M, Q, and Moneypenny are just as iconic and classic as Bond himself, and with their new incarnations in SKYFALL in the forms of (SPOILER alert!) Ralph Fiennes, Ben Whishaw, and Naomie Harris, the tradition is rightfully continuing. These folks are just as important as 007 in the Bond universe.

As for the Bond Villain and Bond Girl, two other vital components of the Bond mythos, the very first ones are equally solid. As the mysterious and deadly Dr. No, Joseph Wiseman underplays gracefully, turning silence and stillness into threatening devices. He eschews the flamboyant bombast that future Bond Villains would adopt, packing much danger and menace in quiet glances, and this serves the character (and the film) well: Dr. No is a strong first baddie in the series.

Then there's the Bond Girl, the innocent seashell collector who gets pulled into the fray, Honey Ryder. There are several types of Bond Girls: (1) The Female Bond, usually a fellow trained agent; (2) The Villain's Henchwoman or Girlfriend, usually a baddie loyal to her boss or a mistress eager to help Bond to topple him; (3) The Technical Hottie, usually a scientist or similarly-trained egghead who becomes Bond's Ally; and finally: (4) The Ordinary Girl, usually an innocent bystander who gets pulled into the mix when her and Bond's paths cross.

The Ordinary Girl is my favorite Bond Girl Type, and my Top 3 Bond Girls are of this kind: Natalya Simonova from GOLDENEYE (she could also possibly be considered a Technical Hottie like Dr. Christmas Jones from THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH), Teresa "Tracy" Di Vicenzo from ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE, and Kara Milovy from THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS. Honey Ryder falls into this category, and like Natalya, Tracy, Kara, and Christmas, she is just going about the humdrum of her daily activities when Bond enters her world and upends everything. While Honey doesn't really have much of a showcase because she enters the action fairly late in the game, she demonstrates a sufficient amount of intensity, spunk, and resilience - and doesn't turn into a quivering damsel in distress even when she is in threatening situations. Ursula Andress/Honey Ryder often top the lists of TOP 10 Favorite Bond Girls for many fans. While they are not in my personal Top 10, they comfortably occupy a spot just outside it at # 11. Good work from Andress which helped paved the way for future heroines in the Bond films.

Ultimately, DR. NO is a very good first entry in the resilient and resourceful Bond franchise. Future Bond films would further expand upon its elements and themes and create the classic Bond Movie template, but this first adventure nicely sets the tone for the series.

# 489 - SKYFALL (2012)

SKYFALL (2012 - ACTION / THRILLER / ESPIONAGE / BOND FLICK) ****1/2 out of *****

(That's my boy...)



CAST: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Javier Bardem, Ralph Fiennes, Naomie Harris, Berenice Lim Marlohe, Ben Whishaw, Rory Kinnear, Ola Rapace, Albert Finney, Helen McCrory.

DIRECTOR: Sam Mendes.

WARNING: Some SERIOUS SPOILERS and seriously kick-ass Bond adventures - straight ahead.





IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember how in our review for GOLDFINGER (review # 31) a couple of year ago I joked about how we really finally needed to have a gay (or gay-ish) villain named Dick Buffet or Schlong Extravaganza? Well, either another one of life's amazing coincidences happened again - or the producers of the Bond franchise owes me some serious money. Because here comes SKYFALL, the 23rd Bond adventure and 50 Year Anniversary Milestone, and its villain is one flaming fucker. He is Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem), and let's just say that there's a scene where Bond is tied up in a chair - and Silva rubs his thighs as if he's getting ready to take those tuxedo pants off and suck Bond dry. Fucking finally...

But before we get to the guy-on-guy action, let's backtrack a bit and do a quick rundown of the problems plaguing 007 and his cronies this time. Seems that M (Judi Dench) has fucked-up a sting operation in Istanbul - and lost a hard drive containing the names of NATO and MI-6 operatives who are embedded as informants/moles in terrorist organizations across the globe. Actually, "lost" would be a bit of misnomer." Hmmm... let's try something else... How about "stolen by a deadly assassin." There, that's much better. I don't have to tell you this is kind of like Heidi Fleiss' little black book being stolen by the National Enquirer.

Predictably, things go south. As in, the following things happen: (1) someone blows up MI-6; (2) someone posts the name of the first five undercover agents on YouTube; and (3) the media pretty much goes apeshit about # 1 and # 2. Oh, and did I mention that Bond has gone missing after the hard drive was stolen? Yep, turns out he was felled by some friendly fire, courtesy of the lovely Eve (Naomie Harris), another MI-6 agent - but presumably one who isn't quite as good a shot as Bond.

Anyhow, Bond eventually resurfaces again and reluctantly goes back to work for "Queen and Country." After some endless physicals and tests, he is finally deemed fit to return to the Spy Game. Thank goodness, too, because it seems like MI-6 has turned into a shambles without him. The trail takes him to Shanghai, where intel has it the thief of the hard drive, Patrice (Ola Rapace), will be making an appearance. Bond tussles with Patrice in a downtown Shanghai highrise - before the latter takes a, um, skyfall out the window. All this is noticed by tall, exotic, Eurasian brunette in an apartment in the highrise across the way. She is Severine (Berenice Lim Marlohe), and let's just say she's a baaaaaaaaaaad girl. Then again, that's how Bond likes 'em.

Sure enough, after a, um, close shave with Eve in his hotel room (don't ask), Bond runs into Severine again at a casino in Macau, where they proceed to exchange what passes for small talk in Bond flicks. Which basically means they pretty much threaten each other. It works, because Severine agrees to take Bond to her boss who is, presumably, the same dickhead who had the hard drive stolen and MI-6 blown to smithereens. After they fuck first, of course.

Which brings us to our homo horndog Silva, who greets Bond and Severine on his hideout island with the same warmth a komodo dragon would greet someone's plump, juicy thigh. Let's just say it doesn't end well for Severine. Bond doesn't fare much better, either, because now he has to put up with Silva basically rubbing up against him like he's the only working space heater left in the middle of Northern Siberia. In other words: "Dude, stop poking me with your boner!"

So... will Silva release the entire list of covert operatives? Or will Bond stop him? And what role does M have in all of this? Is she Silva's true target? Or is she another pawn? Will Eve be able to help? Or will she end up like Severine? A beautiful corpse? And what happens Silva and his goons invade London? How will Bond protect M and MI-6?

Who gives a shit. I just want to know: is there a deleted scene where Bond and Silva fuck the hell out of each other? Because that would be... awesome.


STILLS COMING SOON


BUT, SERIOUSLY: When DR. NO was released 50 years ago in 1962, there was no reason to believe that, 50 years later, in 2012, the James Bond franchise would be going stronger than ever - with the latest adventure (number 23) SKYFALL being one of the very best. SKYFALL is the perfect film to celebrate 50 years of James Bond excitement - and it reinvigorates the franchise in a way that not even CASINO ROYALE did back in 2006. Quite simply, this movie is dynamite: an emotionally-powerful experience that is also an suspenseful action/thriller ride. Everything is near-perfect here.

Part of the pleasure of watching SKYFALL is discovering it for yourself, and so I revised my earlier review from a couple of weeks ago which was more detailed and pared it down. Going in with as clean a slate is possible is the best way to absorb this film, and critics sometimes have a way of inadvertently spoiling a film by praising it. All I will say is this: this is the Bond film we've been waiting for. Oh, and in keeping with the 50th Anniversary Celebration of the franchise, see if you can spot plot references/homages to the 22 other Bond films spread throughout SKYFALL.

Now - go see it. We've seen it three times now. It is amazing.

# 488 - CLOUD ATLAS (2012)

CLOUD ATLAS (2012 - ACTION / ADVENTURE / SCI-FI / THRILLER / ROMANCE / DRAMA / MYSTERY / COMEDY) ****1/2 out of *****

(Wow... just wow...)



CAST: Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Doona Bae, Jim Sturgess, Hugo Weaving, Hugh Grant, Ben Whishaw, James D'Arcy, Jim Broadbent, Susan Sarandon, Keith David.

DIRECTOR: Tom Twyker, Andy Wachowski

WARNING: Some serious mindfucks and "hold-your-pee" challenges - straight ahead....





IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember that saying about how a butterfly flapping its wings in Shanghai can cause a traffic accident in New York - or something like that. Basically, the idea is that the smallest of actions can have far-reaching impacts, greater than anyone could have ever anticipated. Now, that idea is has its own movie: CLOUD ATLAS.

Let me tell you something upfront: you do not want to go to the bathroom while you are watching CLOUD ATLAS. It is one of those movies where almost every single frame contains something vital that sets up something that will pay off significantly much later in the movie. Is it any surprise that the movie's tagline is "Everything Is Connected." Yeah, thanks. No fucking shit. Oh, and did I also mention that the movie is almost three hours long? That's a fucking long time to hold your pee, folks. And guess what? I did. Because I didn't want to miss a thing. No, I'm not going all Steven Tyler on you. I actually fucking hate that song. I actually get ill when I hear it.

But I digress. Anyhow, it's going to be easier for me to broker a World Peace Treaty or find a cure for male pattern baldness than to describe what exactly CLOUD ATLAS is about. But I will try... you see there's this nuclear physicist who looks like Tom Hanks, whose got a huge woody for a journalist/writer who looks a lot like Halle Berry. Oh, wait, before we talk about them, let's talk about the couple who also looks like them from, I guess, the distant future who are trying to contact some spaceship to come pick them up in Hawaii. Oh, wait, wait, before all of that we have some composer dude from the 17th century who has composed a melody called, ahem, "Cloud Atlas" as a tribute to his boyfriend. But wait, there's also another 17th century dude who is sick and sailing across the Atlantic to try to get back to his wife - who kind of looks like a chick from the future who is like some sort of fast food waitress in what has to be the Universe's most fucked-up burger joint. Then there's tubby British agent who gets confined in a retirement home and plots an escape with the other relics around him. Then there's also the British writer who also looks like Tom Hanks, who tosses an asshole book critic over the balcony rail at his party - but not before trading serious googley eyes with a chick who looks a hell of a lot like an Indian version of Halle Berry. Then there's...

Oh, fuck it. I give up. Just watch the goddamned movie. It's pretty awesome.


STILLS COMING SOON


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Put quite simply, there is no movie like CLOUD ATLAS out there. It has joined my TOP TEN FAVORITE MOVIES list. While it's not quite in the TOP 5 echelon that BOY A, ORDINARY PEOPLE, THE ENGLISH PATIENT, REAR WINDOW, and WEDDING CRASHERS occupy, it now comfortably occupies the # 6 spot. And it's largely due to just how breathtaking, dazzling, unpredictable, weird, amazing, exhilarating, pulsating, romantic, suspenseful, exciting, and downright unique it is. Like I said, this movie is one-of-a-kind.

That's not to say that most people will love it - let alone even like it. It is three hours long. It weaves in so many plot threads and so many ideas that you have to pay close attention or you will be lost. It juxtaposes nearly every single cinematic genre. It doesn't bother to explain itself. It just is. And not everyone is comfortable with that. As a moviegoing audience, Americans like to have things broken down for them, and I don't think CLOUD ATLAS will please mainstream audiences for the simple fact that it marches to its own drummer and refuses to reveals its secrets so easily and quickly.

Those who love intelligent enigmas and have strong attention spans, however, will find much to love in this film. Not the least of which are strong performances across the board from everyone in the cast. Everyone hits their mark and that is even more remarkable because most of the castmembers are playing multiple characters of varying nationalities, backgrounds, time periods, and even planetary origin. They are all wonderful and form a beautiful and talented ensemble.

Talented American performers like Tom Hanks, Keith David, Susan Sarandon, and Halle Berry mesh well with British dynamos like Jim Broadbent, Ben Whishaw, James D'Arcy, Jim Sturgess, and Hugo Waving, as well as with Asian breath-takers like Xun Zhou and Doona Bae. Bae, in particular, is my favorite in this film. There's a scene where one of her characters, Sonmi-351, finds out about the death of a friend - and realizes just then just how much she loved him. The way Bae plays Sonmi's wordless reaction is the textbook definition of "heart-breaking." While all of the threads in CLOUD ATLAS' tapestry are breathtaking, it is Somni's that is the most emotionally powerful.

And that is, in the end, what CLOUD ATLAS is: a tapestry. The pattern may be complex and serpentine when viewed up close. However, when you step back - everything becomes clear. What this film is about is the power of love to keep the past alive, to energize the present - and, finally, to shape the future. To say more, would spoil the beauty of discovering this film for yourselves.

And, like any treasure, it should be discovered.

# 487 - WRECK-IT RALPH (2012)

WRECK-IT RALPH (2012 - ANIMATED / FAMILY / ADVENTURE) **** out of *****

(This makes "Pac-Man Fever" look like a minor case of the sniffles...)



CAST: John C. Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer, Jane Lynch, Alan Tudyk, Mindy Kaling.

DIRECTOR: Rich Moore.

WARNING: Some very good reasons to visit an old-school video game arcade - straight ahead.



IT'S LIKE THIS: One of my favorite films is GRANDMA'S BOY (review # 48), which is about a 35-year old guy who has to move into his grammy's house that she shares with her two equally ancient roommates - because his own roommate has been secretly spending their rent on Philippine hookers (don't ask). Our hero is Alex (Allen Covert) and he is a video game tester at a, um, video game company. Now, folks, I love this movie for many reasons, but the fact that it deals with video games and the dorks who love them is close to the top of the list.

There's a great scene where Alex is attending a wedding, but eschews the company of the boring adults so he can hang out at the children's table, where he gives them detailed instructions on how to beat Level 6 of "Eternal Death Slayer 2" or something. I can totally relate to this scene, because the same exact thing happened to me at a wedding I attended years and years ago. I got into a spirited discussion with the younger crowd about why SUPER MARIO 2 is probably the most underrated of the SUPER MARIO games. And even shared some trivia about how SUPER MARIO LOST LEVELS was never released in the U.S. because the Japanese thought it was just too hard for us dumb-ass Amerikajins (they're right: it is, and we are). Needless to say, we had a blast.

Which is why it's so awesome that WRECK-IT RALPH has finally reached our theatres. Alex and his game-zapping posse from GRANDMA'S BOY would surely love the shit out of this movie. I know I do. You see, folks, WRECK-IT RALPH is not only a gnarly adventure set in Video Game land, but it is also the name of the villain of a popular video game called - really - "Fix It Felix." Imagine "Donkey Kong" - but with Ralph (John C. Reilly) as the hairy ape and Felix (Jack McBrayer) as Mario. And they are basically just one of two working stiffs in what is essentially a world that exists within those arcade machines. They clock in whenever the Video Game Arcade opens up and they work until the place closes. Much like we do. Only their jobs are much more fun.

All that changes, though, when Ralph decides he's had enough with being a villain. Apparently, he's had these conflicted feelings for a while now. Seems he thinks that heroes like Felix get better treatment from his peers. Obviously, the Bad Boy Catnip that is alive and well in the real world is fucking non-existent in Video Game Arcade Land. So much so that Ralph feels the need to attend "Bad-a-Non" meetings. It's like those "Alanon" meetings, but with villains who are wrestling with the fact that they are, uh, villains. Yes, folks, they're motto is "One Game At A Time..."

Anyhow, Ralph gets it in his head that in order to become a hero, he needs to steal a medal. So, before you know it, he hopscotches his way to another game which is one of those "Call To Arms" bullshit exercises, because he hears that there is a medal at the very end of its levels. I guess this is what my gaming friend "D-Dog" would call game-jacking. In other words, someone who doesn't belong in the game shows up - and proceeds to fuck everything up.

Sure enough, Ralph's game-jacking gets him catapulted into "Sugarland Express" or some such saccharine shit, which is kind of like "Candyland" but fused with "Pole Position" - resulting in a really gay racing game. There, amidst trees made of licorice and peppermint and rivers flowing with chocolate and orange syrup, Ralph discovers that pesky little brat Vanellope (Sarah Silverman). Vanellope basically spends the next hour tap-dancing on Ralph's last nerve as they partner up to try to get her join that stupid race and, I guess, win or something.

Will Ralph be able to help Vanellope win? Will this help him in his quest to become a hero? What will happen if Vanellope loses the race? Will "Sugarland Express" glitch up the way "Fix It Felix" did? Will the arcade owner declare the machines "out of order" and haul them off? Or will Ralph find a way to claim his medal, turn Vanellope into a champion, and save all the games in the arcade? And what happens when Felix develops a major-sized woody for Calhoun (Jane Lynch), the bad-ass military chick from the game Ralph stole his medal from? Will they team up and help Ralph and Vanellope? And the most important question of all...

... where the fuck is Donkey Kong?


STILLS COMING SOON

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Recently, we reviewed HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA (review # 486), which explored the world of Count Dracula and his cronies from a comical, cartoonish angle. Now, we have WRECK-IT RALPH, which does the same with video games and video game characters. Both are entertaining and worth seeing, but WRECK-IT RALPH is the better film because it goes out of its way to introduce deeper themes about what makes a hero or a villain, and the role that one takes in life. This added depth gives the film an emotional resonance that HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA, despite being a solid film, lacked somewhat.

Anyone who loves video games will love WRECK-IT RALPH. The "Video Game Land" is masterfully rendered and hypnotic, especially the "Sugarland Express" portion. Considering most of the film takes place in that world, this is a good thing. However, the other settings have their own vibrancy and appeal. Ralph's apartment block, Calhoun's battleground, the main arcade terminal, and even the "real world" are all lushly detailed and transportive. The voicing by John C. Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer, Jane Lynch, and Alan Tudyk, are all superb. Voice acting can be tricky, because an actor's real face is never onscreen, and he/she must express themselves through dialogue, inflection, and pauses. Everyone nails it, and the "performances" are just as key to WRECK-IT RALPH's success as the dazzling visuals and inventive storyline - if not more.

Director Rich Moore and his writers wisely weave in a human-scale story throughout the video game eye candy and pyrotechnics: Ralph's desire to be seen as more than a villain, and Vanellope's desire to not only race - but also to win. Ultimately, both are outsiders that are seeking acceptance, who ultimately realize that self-respect and self-acceptance is more important than the opinion of others - which is a terrific lesson for children. This unexpectedly trenchant theme and the lead duo's bond that really makes WRECK-IT RALPH soar. In comparison, HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA is light-weight.

I have a couple of friends who believe that WRECK-IT RALPH should've focused less on the world of "Sugarland Express" and more on the other "gaming" worlds. They think that the emphasis on Vanellope and her world was calculated to draw in the "female crowd". While I agree to this to a certain degree, I also think the whole point of setting most of the film in the candy world was to create a "fish-out-of-water" scenario that would put Ralph out of his element. That's a classic set-up, and I think it ultimately works in the film's favor because the more time we spend in "Sugarland Express," the more we become invested in Vanellope's issue. However, I agree with my friends and would love to see other gaming worlds explored. Perhaps in the sequel.

In the end, WRECK-IT RALPH is very good entertainment for the whole family. Video game fans will love it, but you don't need to be one to appreciate this movie and its important message of being your own champion.

SPOTLIGHT ON: TOP 10 James Bond Films...

Hello, folks… just a quick post from the road (to sunny Cali) as part of our 50th Anniversary Celebration for the James Bond franchise. Half a century ago, the very first Bond adventure, DR. NO, was released and took the world by storm, since then we’ve had 22 other Bond flicks released to generally great success. The latest, SKYFALL, was released in Europe on Friday, October 26 – and hits American shores this Friday, November 9. I’ve already seen it, and it is AMAZING. Nothing like an opening weekend trip to London just to catch a screening to exhaust the shit out of you. Thank goodness for Vitamin C. But what better way to celebrate the release of SKYFALL than to list our TOP 10 Bond Films – which now includes SKYFALL, as well.

Without further ado, please find below the best 10 of the Bond films, counting down to # 1. With the inclusion of SKYFALL, the order has changed considerably.

off in the screenplay much, much sooner than in the book.



10. THUNDERBALL



YEAR OF RELEASE: 1965

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

SONG: “Thunderball” by Tom Jones

BOND PLAYED BY: Sean Connery

BADDIE: Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi), evil agent for evil organization SPECTRE.

BOND GIRLS: Domino Derval (Claudine Auger), Largo’s girlfriend who is also the sister of a NATO major whom he killed while stealing some warheads (survives); Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi), redheaded assassin who can’t decide to whether to fuck Bond – or fuck him and then shoot him in the head. (dies).

BADDIE’S PLOT: Largo has stolen a couple of NATO warheads and wants to spread SPECTRE’s terror through the world by detonating the bombs off Nassau in the Bahamas. Will Bond and Domino stop him in time? What the fuck do you think?

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: Most people rate GOLDFINGER higher than THUNDERBALL because it set the Bond Formula that would be used over and over again by the series. However, we disagree: THUNDERBALL takes the template set by GOLDFINGER and really runs with it. There’s also a meanness and grit to this movie that was missing from the more flippant and breezy GOLDFINGER – and Bond is at his sexiest when he is hardboiled and cocky. We also get much stronger Bond Girls in the form of the cat-like Domino and the relentless Fiona, who are more vivid and colorful than Jill, Tully, and Pussy from GOLDFINGER. Audiences must have agreed to a certain point because THUNDERBALL out-grossed GOLDFINGER at the box-office.

TRIVIA: Luciana Paluzzi originally auditioned for the role of the good girl, Domino. However, when she received a callback from the producers, it was to come in and read for the role of Fiona, the villainous henchwoman. Paluzzi was eventually cast as Fiona.






9. THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS



YEAR RELEASED: 1987

DIRECTOR: John Glen

SONG: “The Living Daylights” by A-ha.

BOND PLAYED BY: Timothy Dalton

BADDIE: General Brad Whitaker (Joe Don Baker) and General Georgi Koskov (Jeroen Krabbe), two of the goofiest clowns that have ever masqueraded as villains.

BOND GIRLS: Actually, make that “Bond Girl”. Singular. In response to the rise of AIDS in the mid-80’s, the Bond producers felt the need to make Bond a one-woman guy. And she is Kara Milovy (Maryam D’Abo), a sweet and naïve cellist who gets pulled into the Spy Game by Bond (survives). No worries, because Bond would return to fucking anything that moves in his next flick, LICENCE TO KILL. Aw, yea…

BADDIE’S PLOT: To set up the assassination of Russian mucky-muck General Pushkin by staging a fake defection by Koskov. Oh, and there’s the added shit about selling a lot of illegal opium on the black market. Whatever. Just give me another shot of Timmy D. in that tux, looking angry. Gets me horny every single time.

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: Timothy Dalton’s debut as 007 was a nice return to form for the series. After silly entries like MOONRAKER and OCTOPUSSY during the Roger Moore years, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS took us back to the lean, mean, more serious approach of the original Ian Fleming books. Dalton’s grittier take on the character was much more in line with the James Bond of the books. He also paved the way for Daniel Craig’s currently celebrated and popular interpretation of the role – which presents Bond as cocky, deadly, and unforgiving. Bond’s relationship with Kara also has nice innocence about it that is rarely seen elsewhere in the series. Unfortunately, the villains are fairly weak, which is why THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS drops slightly behind LICENCE TO KILL.

TRIVIA: Pierce Brosnan was all but set to step in as Bond after Roger Moore stepped down, but was waylaid by a last-minute renewal of his REMINGTON STEELE contract. Dalton took over at this point.






8. ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE



YEAR RELEASED: 1969

DIRECTED BY: Peter R. Hunt

SONG: “We Have All The Time In The World” by Louis Armstrong

BOND PLAYED BY: George Lazenby

BADDIE: Blofeld (Telly Savalas), Bond’s perennial arch-nemesis who really needs to get a wig or something.

BOND GIRL: Teresa “Tracy” Di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg), Italian heiress who is unlike any woman Bond has met before – let’s just say that she is a good/nice version of Elektra King. Which is what a friend calls me. Is that a compliment? I’ll take it. (Sadly, Tracy dies – sob) Oh, and there’s also a bunch of bimbos at the spa hotel which Bond infiltrates, who end up becoming Blofeld’s pawns in his world domination quest, but I can’t remember their names right now.

BADDIE’S PLOT: Blofeld wants to use the female visitors of his spa to carry a virus with them back to their countries, which will then infect all plants and animals, basically holding the world’s food supply as hostage. That’s pretty fucking scary for someone’s who’s always hungry like me.

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: This film is one of the most atypical in the Bond series, primarily because Bond does the unthinkable in it: he gets married. The woman who captures his heart is Tracy DiVicenzo, who is one of the Best Bond Girls ever. With Diana Rigg’s mesmerizing performance as the brilliant, unpredictable, cocky but soulful Tracy, it’s not hard to see why Bond would fall for her. While George Lazenby is nowhere near as memorable as Sean Connery was, he is still okay and doesn’t embarrass himself. Just think of how much more dynamic this film would’ve been with Sean Connery (who stepped down after YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE) in the lead. The ending is also the most heartbreaking scene in the entire series.

TRIVIA: Sean Connery would return to the role of James Bond for DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971) and the non-EON entry NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN (which is a remake of THUNDERBALL) in 1983.







7. LICENCE TO KILL



YEAR RELEASED: 1989

DIRECTOR: John Glen

SONG: “Licence To Kill” by Gladys Knight

BOND PLAYED BY: Timothy Dalton

BADDIE: Franz Sanchez (Robert Davi), smooth and sexy drug dealer who values loyalty more than money – and basically rips apart anyone who is disloyal to him. Watch out.

BOND GIRLS: Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell), ex-army pilot and current CIA undercover informant against Sanchez – the only one still alive (survives); Lupe Lamora (Talisa Soto), Sanchez’s girlfriend who allies with Bond against him – bad move (survives, thankfully).

BADDIE’S PLOT: Well, not much, really. Just wants to keep flooding the world with drugs and making billions from it. Just another day’s work for Franzie boy…

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: Many critics called THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS gritty and serious when it was released. However, in comparison to LICENCE TO KILL, it is downright breezy and flippant. LICENCE TO KILL is probably the meanest Bond film there is, and we love that. This film started the “this time it’s personal!” theme that would weave its way through future Bond films all the way up to SKYFALL – which is probably the most “personal” Bond film to date (more on that in the review). LICENCE TO KILL also benefits from having strong elements all across the board: a suspenseful plot, strong women, and a terrific villain in the form of Franz Sanchez – one of the best Bond villains ever.

TRIVIA: The original title of LICENCE TO KILL was LICENCE REVOKED – but the studio was concerned that most Americans wouldn’t know what “revoked” meant, and so it was changed. Yes, sir, we’s a bunch of dodos here in America, apparently.







6. QUANTUM OF SOLACE



YEAR RELEASED: 2008

DIRECTOR: Marc Foerster

SONG: “Another Way To Die” by Jack White and Alicia Keys

BOND PLAYED BY: Daniel Craig

BADDIE: Dominic Greene (Mathieu Amalric), sleazy French dude who works for QUANTUM, which is kind of like a Facebook Generation version of SPECTRE.

BOND GIRLS: Camille Montes (Olga Kurylenko), half Bolivian/half Russian secret service agent who goes rogue in order to get revenge on the bastard who killed her parents (survives); Agent Fields (Gemma Arterton), naïve consulate liaison who is assigned to babysit Bond – only to get fucked senseless by him (dies).

BADDIE’S PLOT: Greene wants to redirect Bolivia’s water supply and hoard it all in an underground reservoir – then charge astronomical prices for water rights. So much for going green…

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: Just like with LICENCE TO KILL, this movie really divides audiences because they are both so atypical. Sometimes, though, it’s good to stray from the formula. QUANTUM OF SOLACE is a lot shorter and faster than its predecessor, the very popular CASINO ROYALE. Consequently, many folks didn’t know quite how to receive the movie. Since it is a direct sequel to CASINO ROYALE (the first in the series), it is only fitting that the film be given an offbeat look and feel to set it apart from the rest of the franchise. As a one-off exercise in experimental moviemaking, QUANTUM OF SOLACE makes more sense. It also confidently sidesteps the formula for the franchise: Bond and Camille never get intimate, and Bond doesn’t kill the bad guy at the end. It also neatly ties up the Vesper storyline that CASINO ROYALE started.

TRIVIA: The original cut of QUANTUM OF SOLACE runs about three minutes longer, continuing after Bond rescues Corinne from Yussef in Russia. The original ending was supposed to show Bond tracking down Mr. White and killing him for good. However, the producers felt that having the movie end after Bond throws away Vesper’s necklace in the snow would be a better closing point. They also felt that showing the final scene with White would leave the door open for another sequel – and they wanted to end the Vesper storyline once and for all. As a result, this last scene was deleted from the final cut.





5. CASINO ROYALE



YEAR RELEASED: 2006

DIRECTOR: Martin Campbell

SONG: “You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell

BOND PLAYED BY: Daniel Craig

BADDIE: Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen), genius cardplayer and financier to the world’s greatest terrorists. Bit of a gambler, as well. Which leads him into some very hot water…

BOND GIRLS: Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), no-nonsense treasury agent who is assigned to help fund Bond’s poker game against Le Chiffre (dies); Solange Dimitrios (Caterina Murino), unhappy wife to one of the baddies who decides to fuck around with Bond (dies); Valenka (Ivana Milivevic), Le Chiffre’s gal pal who tries to poison Bond (dies).

BADDIE’S PLOT: After losing his terrorist clients’ money on the stock market (and a foiled terrorist attack), Le Chiffre simply plans to win back all the money through a really high-stakes poker game at the Casino Royale in Montenegro. Fortunately, MI-6 gets wind of this and decides to toss our boy Bond into the mix to try cock-block, er, card-block Le Chiffre’s hand. Trouble and mayhem ensues.

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: After tipping dangerously into cartoonish parody territory with the enjoyable but silly DIE ANOTHER DAY in 2002, the producers of the Bond franchise decided (rightly) to reboot the series. Much in the same way they had the mean, deadly Timothy Dalton replace the goofy, breezy Roger Moore back in 1987 with THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, the brains behind the Bond machine brought on the thuggish Daniel Craig to take the reigns from the more suave and polished Pierce Brosnan. And it was a “lightning in a bottle” move. Not only did Craig bring a more vigorous and dynamic interpretation of the character, but he also revived the way the stories are told. CASINO ROYALE has more depth than your average Bond film, and while its central romantic relationship isn’t 100% airtight because of some opaque scripting, it is still very worthy of being in the Top Five.

TRIVIA: Quentin Tarantino was very interested in directing CASINO ROYALE. Also, Charlize Theron, Rose Byrne, and Angelina Jolie were strongly considered for the role of Vesper. Personally, I would’ve loved to have seen either Theron or Byrne in the role.






4. THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH



YEAR RELEASED: 1999

DIRECTOR: Michael Apted

SONG: “The World Is Not Enough” by Garbage

BOND PLAYED BY: Pierce Brosnan

BADDIE: Elektra King (Sophie Marceau), oil tycoon who is intent on wiping out the competition so that her oil pipeline will be the only functioning petroleum provider in the world. She is aided by lapdog Renard (Robert Carlyle), who has a bullet in his head that keeps him from experiencing pleasure or pain. That’s gotta suck.

BOND GIRL: Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards), improbably gorgeous American nuclear physicist who gets pulled into the fray when she inadvertently blows the whistle on Bond, thereby allowing Renard to steal a nuclear warhead. Fortunately, her IQ is a big as her tits, and she allies with Bond to fix her mis-step.

BADDIE’S PLOT: See above where we talk about Elektra wiping out the competition to corner the oil market. She plans to do this by using the warhead Renard stole from Christmas’s bunker to contaminate Istanbul – where the competing pipelines’ oil supplies converge. So much for that Turkish holiday…

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: As with most of the entries on this list, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH is atypical. That is, it isn’t afraid to tweak the formula and do something new. Elektra King is not only series’ best villain, but also its first female Chief Villain. Bad Girls are nothing new in the Bond franchise, but this is the first time a woman is the one pulling all the strings and not just a henchwoman the way Xenia Onatopp (GOLDENEYE), Fiona Volpe (THUNDERBALL), May Day (A VIEW TO A KILL), Miranda Frost (DIE ANOTHER DAY), and Helga Brandt (YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE) did in their films. The relationships between Bond and Elektra, and Elektra and Renard, are also not your usual hero-villain, villain-henchman connections. Also, Denise Richards is a nice sexy presence as Dr. Christmas Jones and is the most underrated actress in the Bond franchise. The character is fine, and Richards plays her well. The only real flaw that movie has is the way it handles Elektra’s fate. While her death scene is gripping, it should’ve been the very final scene. After she departs the action, the film loses a lot of energy and power. Better to have used Bruce Fierstein’s proposed alternate ending where she survives and is confined to an asylum.

TRIVIA: In the first drafts of the THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Christmas was supposed to play a French-Polynesian insurance investigator, but she became an American nuclear physicist in subsequent versions of the script. Javier Bardem (who plays Silva in SKYFALL) was also strongly considered to play Renard.





3. SKYFALL (WARNING: Some SPOILERS ahead)






YEAR RELEASED: 2012

DIRECTOR: Sam Mendes

SONG: “Skyfall” by Adele

BOND PLAYED BY: Daniel Craig

BADDIE: Silva (Javier Bardem), bleached-blonde cyberterrorist/hacker who has a real grudge against M (Judi Dench) and MI-6, and seems to have a major boner (seriously) for our boy Bond. Remember how I joked in our review for GOLDFINGER (review # ) that they should have a gay (or gay-ish) villain named Dick Buffet or Schlong Extravaganza? Well, looks like Christmas came early this year… Well, you know what I mean.

BOND GIRLS: Eve (Naomie Harris ), MI-6 field agent who gets to shave Bond’s face, not his chest – which would be a crime (survives); Severine (Berenice Marlohe), Eurasian hottie who is an associate of Silva’s and who gets to shower with Bond (dies).

BADDIE’S PLOT: Pretty simple: kill M and ruin MI-6. This is one vengeful mo-fo.

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: I don’t want to spoil more than I already have and would like to save it for the actual review which is already written up and will be released soon, but let’s just say that SKYFALL is the perfect Bond film to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the James Bond franchise: it’s not your typical Bond adventure. It is very atypical, and manages to be both an emotionally full experience while never being less than a suspenseful action ride and dynamic thriller. Everyone is brings their A-game here – as well they should, since SKYFALL rings in half a century of the Bond Universe.

TRIVIA: Early ideas for the movie that would eventually become SKYFALL included the possibility of Rachel Weisz playing that head of Quantum. Had this happened, it would’ve been the second time a woman played the Chief Villain of a Bond movie. The first time was in 1999 with THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, when Sophie Marceau played Elektra King. This idea was discarded, as was any usage of Quantum, in favor of an original story.






2. FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE



YEAR RELEASED: 1963

DIRECTOR: Terence Young

SONG: “From Russia With Love” by Matt Monro

BOND PLAYED BY: Sean Connery

BADDIE: Although he remains offscreen throughout the entire film, the Chief Villain here is Blofeld, head of SPECTRE. Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya) is just his henchwoman – although she makes for a formidable one. Red Grant (Robert Shaw), is another fearsome henchman.

BOND GIRLS: Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi), Russian cryptography clerk who is pulled into the Spy Game when the baddies recruit her to lure Bond into a deadly trap – then she falls in love with him (survives); Sylvia Trench (Eunice Grayson), Bond’s on-again-off-again girlfriend who must really be tired with having to share him with the rest of the female populace of the World.

BADDIE’S PLOT: SPECTRE wants to get ahold of some decoder contraption that will help them in the Cold War. Rosa Klebb just wants to get her fist in Bond’s stomach. Silly lady…

WHY IT MAKES THE CUT: The second film in the series, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE has more of an emphasis on suspense and espionage than latter 60’s Bond films like GOLDFINGER, THUNDERBALL, and YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE would have. Those films seemed to focus more on action and gadgets, instead of the classic “Spy Thriller” elements that this movie zeroes in on. Connery is clearly comfortable in the role and is a great mix of swagger and seriousness. Bianchi nails her “naïve innocent over her head” role, while Lotte Lenya is a refreshingly no-nonsense henchwoman who paved the way for the similar (if much more attractive) Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi) in THUNDERBALL. And Robert Shaw is a great henchman as Red Grant, the seemingly unstoppable thug who is more than a match for Bond. All in all, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE is classic Bond.






AND THE # 1 BOND FILM OF ALL TIME:


1. GOLDENEYE




YEAR RELEASED: 1995

DIRECTOR: Martin Campbell

SONG: “Goldeneye” by Tina Turner

BOND PLAYED BY: Pierce Brosnan

BADDIE: Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean), also known as 006 – yes, folks, he and Bond used to be friends. Now they can’t wait to blow each other’s brains out. Boys will be boys…

BOND GIRLS: Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco), brilliant and scrappy Russian computer programmer who allies with Bond to bring Trevelyan down; Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), sadistic pain freak bizarro who is 006’s right-hand gal – and who also crushes men with her thighs. Par-tay!

BADDIE’S PLOT: 006 wants to get revenge on England by setting of an EMP bomb that will destroy all electronics and send the British Empire back to the Stone Age. Oh, and he wants to steal, like, a bazillion pounds while he’s at it. Seems like little Alec is being a bad boy, isn’t he?

WHY IT IS # 1: I distinctly remember watching GOLDENEYE when it first came out back in 1995. A friend and I posed as journalists and crashed an advance screening of it. For the next two hours, we were on Cloud 9 – and spilled out of the theater breathless with excitement. GOLDENEYE gets it right across the board: a strong Bond in the form of Pierce Brosnan, a solid and handsome baddie in the form of Sean Bean – and two terrific Bond girls in the forms of Izabella Scorupco and Famke Janssen. The movie is one big roller-coaster ride that manages to be suspenseful and serpentine, with showstopping setpieces and sequences, combining the best of the Action and Thriller genres at the same time Without question, the best Bond film. Ever.

TRIVIA: GOLDENEYE was supposed to star Timothy Dalton, but the ongoing legal issues ensnaring the studio led to endless delays, ultimately leading Dalton step down. The reigns were passed on to Brosnan, who by then was free of his contractual obligations to REMINGTON STEELE.






Take care, folks… please expect the reviews for CLOUD ATLAS, WRECK-IT RALPH, SKYFALL, and the remaining Bond films to post once we get back into town and throughout November and December. Happy Monday evening…

Belated Happy Halloween (and Fall Review Schedule Changes!)

Hiya, folks...

Sorry for the delay in the Horror Flick postings. It's been an extraordinarily busy October, with birthday celebrations, writing, scuba diving, dancing, and other bizarre activities very apropos for the month of Halloween.

At any rate, with the release of SKYFALL on Friday, November 9, we've decided to turn November into... James Bond 50th Anniversary Month! With that in mind, please expect fewer reviews monthly after the end of the year next month to make room for other massive projects.

For now, let's have fun. Please find the revised schedule below:

# 487 - WRECK-IT RALPH (New Fave Movie Alert!)

# 488 - CLOUD ATLAS (New Fave Movie Alert!)

# 489 - SKYFALL

# 490 - DR. NO

# 491 - FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

# 492 - THUNDERBALL

# 493 - YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

# 494 - ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE

# 495 - LIVE AND LET DIE

# 496 - DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

# 497 - THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

# 498 - THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

# 499 - MOONRAKER

# 500 - 500 DAYS OF SUMMER

# 501 - OCTOPUSSY

# 502 - A VIEW TO A KILL







HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY, JAMES!!!

# 486 - HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA (2012)

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA (2012 - COMEDY / ANIMATED / FAMILY) ***1/2 out of *****

(Is this place part of the Westin family of resorts? Didn't think so...)



CAST: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Adam Samberg, Selena Gomez, Cee Lo Green, Fran Drescher, Molly Shannon, David Space, Jon Lovitz.

DIRECTOR: Genndy Tartakovsky

WARNING: Some very good reasons to NOT do the backpacking thang in Transylvania - straight ahead...




IT'S LIKE THIS: I've always wanted to visit Transylvania, mainly to see what the fuck is up with all the Dracula-hoopla. I know he's a fictional character, but if you believe certain sources, he was based on a real-life historical dude from Eastern Europe named Vlad Tepes - also known by the exceedingly warm and fuzzy nickname "Vlad The Impaler." Apparently, Vlad was a bit of a dick, and if you pissed him off, he'd have you impaled on a tall stake - while he ate his dinner below your flailing, thrashing corpse and enjoyed your torment. Like I said: total dick. Anyhow, this is the vicious, bloodthirsty dude whom the literary figure of Count Dracula was based on.

However, if you were to go by our latest review, HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA, you'd think ol' Drac was nothing more than your average over-protective, anal-retentive, slightly OCD, kinda cute, middle-aged father and entrepreneur. You see, in this flick, Dracula (Adam Sandler) runs a ritzy (for creaky ol' Transylvania) hotel resort that caters only to monsters. You know how some cruise ships will only let you on them if you're a flaming homo like me? Well, this is the horror movie version of a gay cruise. Well, come to think of it, depending on what some of the queens are wearing and have been drinking, those cruises are horror movies themselves. Meow...

Anyhow, Dracula's rationale for creating this Holiday Inn of Horrors is pretty simple: he wants monsters of all kinds to have a safe haven from their worst enemies ever: humans. Yes, folks, these scary creatures are scared of... us. Well, at least Dracula is. Apparently, Drac's wife, Martha (Jackie Sandler) was killed by an angry lynch mob not long after she gave birth to their daughter Mavis (Selena Gomez), and since then he has loathed us humans with the force of Casper and Guido hating their walking leashes (deal with it, boys). This has resulted in Daddy Drac forbidding Mavis from ever leaving the hotel and exploring the outside world. Which, for a teen - vampire or human - just coming into her own, is kind of like the Kiss Of Death.

All is well for a few centuries, though, while Drac plays gracious host to his clientele of freaks and bizarros, especially his best pals: (1) Frankenstein (Kevin James); (2) Frankenstein's mouthy wife Eunice (Fran Drescher); (3) Murray the Mummy (Cee Lo Green); (4) Griffin the Invisible Man (David Spade); (5) Wayne the Werewolf (Steve Buscemi); and (6) Wayne's wife Wanda (Molly Shannon). These guys never fail to drop by the Hotel Transylvania every year as if it were the Grand Wailea on Maui. Except they don't get to attend the Maui Film Festival right on the Wailea's front doorstep, natch.

Then everything goes to hell and a handbasket when the last thing anyone expected to ever happen in a million years suddenly, uh, happens: a human stumbles onto the front doorstep of the Hotel Transylvania. But not just any human: a dork of a human. He is Jonathan (Adam Samberg) and is one of those twentysomething world travelers whose most prized possessions are his bong and his backpack. And he is so clueless that the first thing he thinks when he walks into the hotel and sees all the monsters and ghouls around him is that someone must be throwing a Halloween party a little early.

Needless to say, Dracula is a little concerned. After all, he created the Hotel Transylvania so that monsters could escape the persecution of humans. What would his clients and his best pals think if they knew their ranks had been infiltrated by a mortal? Being a fast thinker, Dracula covers Jonathan from head to toe in gray make-up and forces him to act like a zombie - at least until he can sneak him out of the place. Of course, you don't have to be psychic to predict that Jonathan and Mavis end up crashing into each other - and have the same reaction that I had when "Chris Evans' Twin" and I met. Which is basically a look that says: "Before the week is over, I will tie you to the bedposts and drain your nutsac and make you like it."

Except, as we mentioned before, Dracula is your basic overprotective Pops - and he would have a hissy fit from Hell if Mavis were to so much as hook-up with just a monster. Can you imagine the tantrum he would throw if Jonathan, a smelly human, were to ask for her hand in marriage? How will he handle this? Can a vampiress and a dorky backpacker have a future together? Will Dracula's friends and clients find out that Jonathan is masquerading as one of the undead right in their midst? How will this vacation end?

Hard to say. Just don't be surprised if this movie inspires an actual Hotel Transylvania in, uh, Transylvania...


BUT, SERIOUSLY: We’re headed to a screening shortly so I have to keep this short. HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA is a reasonably good animated film that takes the familiar charm of the classic monsters and gives it a comic, contemporary zing. The fact that the main players are played by Adam Sandler and his usual cohorts like Kevin James, David Spade, CeeLo Green, Adam Sandberg, and Steve Buscemi, as well as new cohorts like Fran Drescher and Selena Gomez, further adds some kick to the proceedings.

While it doesn’t quite have the staying power of classic animated films like FINDING NEMO, TOY STORY 1-3, or SHREK (the film this movie is most similar to), HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA has enough clever moments, enough funny setpieces, and just the right amount of emotional texture to give it a solidly good rating. It also has some great songs on the soundtrack. Definitely a great family film for the Halloween Holidays. And, yes, Halloween is a Holiday.

# 485 – TERROR TRAIN (1980)

TERROR TRAIN (1980 – HORROR) ***1/2 out of *****

(I never had this problem on Amtrak before…)



CAST: Jamie Lee Curtis, Hart Bochner, Ben Johnson, Sandee Currie, Derek MacKinnon, DD Winters, Timothy Webber, Anthony Sherwood, Howard Busgang, Joy Boushel.

DIRECTOR: Roger Spottiswoode

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some seriously questionably New-Year’-Eve-Party-On-Wheels antics – straight ahead…




IT’S LIKE THIS: Last month a friend said that he could see me being the president of a Fraternity. With my bizarrely unique sense of humor (his words) my clever resourcefulness (his words), my ability to basically organize anything (his words) and rally a bunch of different personalities (all his words) to work together to a common, utterly fucked-up goal (still all his words), he said I would be ideal to run a frat house. To which I replied: “sounds fun, but no thanks…” My words, this time. Why, you ask? Well, you see, I’ve seen enough slasher movies to know that fraternities and sororities are prime targets for psycho killers – and the higher up you are in the house, the greater your chances of being offed – usually in a very nasty way. It’s usually the lowly pleebs and pledges who make it through the night. Of course, they also have a lot less fun, so maybe I should step into a time machine, go back to college, and start my own fraternity – and live dangerously.

Consider our next Halloween review, TERROR TRAIN. It opens with Pledge Week at some unnamed Northern university that looks pretty fucking cold. The frat boys of Delta Rho Chi Omega Whatever and their sorority sisters from Alpha Gamma Epsilon Tampon Midol are having a big bonfire which, I guess, is part of the hazing ritual for the lowly pledges. The house royalty includes: (1) Doc (Hart Bochner), so-named because he is planning to go to med school and is one hot mo-fo that I would play doctor with any day, thank you, and is also the frat president; (2) Mo (Timothy Webber), rich dweeb who is basically Doc’s bitch-boy and money-supplier for the house’s endless schemes and shenanigans; (3) Jackson (Anthony Sherwood), token black dude who is like the Pimp Daddy of the house; (4) Ed (Howard Busgang), comic relief dork who should walk around with a fucking court jester hat; (5) Mitchy, doc’s sorority sistah girlfriend; and last but definitely the hottest: (6) Alana (Jamie Lee Curtis), smart good girl who is Mitchy’s best bud.

The party is going along fine, until our six dipshits decide to play a prank on one of the pledges. He is Kenny Hampson (Derek MacKinnon), and he looks like he weighs about 78 pounds – soaking wet with an anvil tied around his neck. Which makes it really questionable when Doc and his gang tell Kenny that some hot sorority babe from Alpha Gamma Epsilon Tampon Midol wants to get it on with Kenny – immediately. Doc tells Kenny that she is waiting in an upstairs bedroom of the frat house. Kenny, being a horny idiot, falls for it like that anvil tied around his neck to boost him up to a higher weight class (namely, 78 pounds). Next thing you know, Kenny is bounding up them stairs to get his dick wet. Too bad it turns out that the “hot chick” waiting in the bed is actually a dismembered cadaver from the medical school’s lab.

Now, folks, if I found out the person I was going to stick my dick into was actually a corpse, I would be understandably repelled and disgusted. Then I would probably punch Doc and his posse in the stomach. But then I would move on and laugh it off over tequila shots – and find a real person at the party to fuck. Life it too short for grudges, folks…

Our boy, Kenny, on the other hand, is of a different mind. Not only does he not laugh it off, he actually freaks out and has a major spaz attack that pretty much gets him thrown out of school and confined in an asylum. Or something. Needless to say, he doesn’t have to worry about pledging to Delta Rho Chi Omega Whatever anymore.
Doc, Mo, Jackson, Ed, Alana, and Mitchy, on the other hand, basically get slaps on the wrist from the Dean and proceed their way through the next four years and eventually graduate from that fucking cold Northern University. Doc, being the brilliant and sexy douchebag that he is, decides to throw a New Year’s Eve Graduation Costume Party (what?!?) on a party excursion train. Now, folks, I love costume parties and dressing up for anything offbeat and wacky – but this is a horror movie, after all, and a costume party is always a bad thing in a horror movie.

Sure enough, our nutjob Kenny shows up in disguise and starts offing our six dipshits, one by one, as revenge for getting his dick hard for someone with rigor mortis. Not only that, but Kenny’s looks have changed over the last four years and no one know what he looks like now. Plus, every time he kills someone, he changes his costume, so it’s hard to keep track of where he is. Did I mention that all this takes place on a moving train chugging through the wilds of Canada at night? It’s looking more and more like our “heroes” should’ve RSVP’d no to this party, eh?

So… will Kenny kill everyone who was part of the prank four years ago? Who will he kill next? Doc? Mitchy? Alana? Mo? Ed? Jackson? Will any of the other students get caught in the crossfire? Will the conductor (Ben Johnson) be able to help? Our are our frat heroes pretty much utterly fucked? Will they have to save themselves somehow?

Like I said, Kenny looks like he weighs about 78 pounds soaking wet with an anvil tied around his neck. Just sit on the fucker until his ribs break. That’s what I would do if I was Doc. Problem solved.


STILLS COMING SOON


BUT, SERIOUSLY: In the wake of HALLOWEEN’s stunning success in 1978, the floodgates opened to unleash waves and waves of slasher movies on us. TERROR TRAIN was released in 1980 two years after HALLOWEEN, and although it wasn’t nearly as commercially successful as HALLOWEEN, it remains one of the stronger and more atypical entries in this sometimes questionable sub-genre. The film gains a lot of mileage from its unique setting (that moving train) and the genuinely clever gimmick of having the killer don the costume of each successive victim as he quietly moves his way through the party. This bit creates genuine suspense as it become clear that he can strike at anytime – and anywhere.

Props must also be given to director Roger Spottiswoode and his writer for bringing a sleek, professional sheen to the film, and giving us likable characters who don’t feel like stereotypes. Doc, Mo, Jackson, and Ed all come across as fun guys you’d find in any fraternity, which vivid distinctions between them. Doc is the handsome, clever, confident ringleader; Mo is the rich, submissive, right-hand money man; Jackson is the goofy, sexy ladies man; and Ed is the sarcastic, wacky comic relief. Hart Bochner, Timothy Webber, Anthony Sherwood, and Howard Busgang not only make these guys all believable, but also believable as friends.

The female characters are equally nuanced. In these movies, you often have the “good girl” and the “slutty bitch”. What’s great about Alana and Mitchy, though, is how they are not so easy to pin down. While Alana seems to be the more level-headed of the two, she is also a lot more intense and less easy-going than Mitchy. The more seductive Mitchy, on the other had, avoids falling into the trap of being the “slutty bitch” by always having a smile on her face and always being sweet to everyone. It also helps that the actresses who play them, Jamie Lee Curtis and Sandee Currie, have a very strong sisterly vibe about them. Their connection has the believable echo of many close female friendships in real life. This pays off very well in the last half of the film when both women are placed in mortal danger. Bottom line: TERROR TRAIN works as well as it does because its characters are so engaging and mesh well with each other.

Screen veteran Ben Johnson lends some welcome old-school presence and gravity as the conductor who becomes Alana’s valuable ally in tracking down Kenny and stopping his killing spree. TERROR TRAIN also generates suspense early on by making the conductor the first to suspect that something is wrong, while the students blissfully party on. Johnson makes for a very welcome unexpected hero, and his presence helps give TERROR TRAIN an unexpectedly classy sheen. Magician David Copperfield also has a nice-sized role as a party magician who may or may not be a more polished version of Kenny now. Copperfield has not acted in many films, and while he is essentially playing himself here, he does so with flair and charisma, further elevating this movie above others in this sub-genre.

In the end, TERROR TRAIN is worth the ride. It’s scary, suspenseful, and – yes – fun. What more could you ask for in a horror flick from the early 80’s?