MOVIE RATING SCALE:

***** (Spectacular) 10

****1/2 (Excellent) 9

**** (Very Good) 8

***1/2 (Good) 7

*** (Above Average) 6

**1/2 (Average) 5

** (Below Average) 4

*1/2 (Mediocre) 3

* (Awful) 2

1/2 (Abysmal) 1

0 (Worthless) 0


Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Last of the Spring 2015 Reviews...

Hello, folks...

Just a quick note to apologize for the lengthy delay in getting stuff posted.  It's been a busy early 2015 - but busy in a very good way.  I warned you before that some things may knock the movie reviews aside.  But we should be back on track now...

Please expect the last of the Spring 2015 reviews to post, then we're on to the Summer 2015 movies.  The full line up is below:

SPRING 2015

# 606 - PADDINGTON

# 607 - IT FOLLOWS

# 608 - CINDERELLA

# 609 - THE AGE OF ADALINE


SUMMER 2015

# 610 - THE AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

# 611 - TOMORROWLAND

# 612 - MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

# 613 - ALOHA

# 614 - SAN ANDREAS

# 615 - SPY

# 616 - JURASSIC WORLD

# 617 - TED 2

# 618 - TERMINATOR GENISYS

# 619 - MAGIC MIKE XXL

# 620 - MINIONS

# 621 - ANTMAN

# 622 - TRAINWRECK

# 623 - PIXELS

# 624 - FANTASTIC FOUR 

# 625 - MASTERMINDS

# 626 - UNDERDOGS













# 604 - FIFTY SHADES OF GREY


FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (2015 - ROMANCE / DRAMA / FREAK FLICK) ***1/2 out of *****  or  7 out of 10

(Sarcasto, Mr. James will see you now...)




CAST:  Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson, Jennifer Ehle, Eloise Mumford, Luke Grimes, Max Martini, Marcia Gay Harden, Andrew Airlie.

DIRECTOR: Sam Taylor-Johnson

(WARNING: Some SPOILERS and lots of freak flags flying proud - straight ahead...)




IT'S LIKE THIS:  If you want to silence a public establishment in two seconds flat, all you have to do is say 12 words out loud.  After uttering said 12 words, I don't care where you are - cafe, restaurant, library, bookstore, grocery store - the whole place will resound with a loud, collective GASP!  And everyone's head will whip around to stare at the bizarro who would dare utter those 12 words.  You will then slowly realize that everyone is gawking at you like you have a blob of cum on your face.  Which would be entirely appropriate.  

What are those controversial 12 words?  Here they are: "You know, I kind of liked the 50 SHADES OF GREY movie."  I assure you: you will be the only one in whatever public place you are who will be saying that.  Or, at least, brave and honest enough to say it.  

Yes, folks.  I liked 50 SHADES OF GREY.  And when you make that kind of admission, a lot of other things are assumed about you.  Specifically, that you must be a depraved whore.  I should also point out, however, that the people making these assumptions are probably folks who haven't had sex in such a long time that decomposition has already set in between their legs.  So, I guess, you just kind have to consider the source and just ignore them and move on, eh?  Haters gonna hate.  Because that's all they can do.  Too bad.  So sad.

Anyhow, our liking 50 SHADES OF GREY was a large (ha ha) surprise since I kind of fucking loathed the book.  "50 Shades of Grey" as written by E.L. James (a pseudonym, wise move) was amateurishly-written and kind of like the reading equivalent of banging your head repeatedly against a spike in the wall.  I only tried to read it because I wanted to confirm how shitty it was - and boy was it confirmed.  It was so shitty I considered lining my cats' litter box with its pages.  Until Casper and Guido found out and slapped me around for insulting them that way.  Have you ever been alternately pimp-slapped and bitch-slapped by two sadistic tomcats?  Not fun.  And I will NEVER EVER forgive E.L. James for that.  

But I digress.  Anyhow, we will talk more in the BUT SERIOUSLY portion of our review about why 50 SHADES THE MOVIE is infinitely better than 50 SHADES THE CRAPFEST BOOK.  For now, let's discuss the, ahem, plot of this movie which is only a little bit more complex than your average porno (but with much better production values).  
Basically, our story pretty much follows the book closely: we have a mousy English major named Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) who looks like the kind of girl who never knew she had a clitoris.  Anastasia is persuaded by her slacker pal Kate (Eloise Mumford) to carry out a journalism assignment for her.  Kate, by the way, looks like the kind of girl who, in stark contrast to Anastasia, not only knows exactly where her clitoris is, but has also published maps and guidebooks to it.  In other words, she looks like a Grade-A Whore, folks.  

Anyway, the assignment that Kate has dumped on poor Anastasia is to go and interview mysterious Seattle entrepeneur (and hottie) Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).  Mr. Grey is aloof and icy and enigmatic and sexy-sleek as fuck - and says things like "I exercise control in everything I do" and "I have a talent for reading people" and "Would you like me to make you cum uncontrollably like an out of control fire hydrant, Anastasia?"  Okay, he doesn't actually say that last line - not exactly - but you know it's just a matter of time.  
And let's just say that poor Anastasia falls for Christian like Carrie Bradshaw at a Manolo Blahnik firehouse clearance sale.  We know this because the minute Anastasia leaves the interview, she practically runs out of the Grey Tower and into the rain, with her face tipped up to the sky.  As if she had been trapped in fucking sauna for the last two weeks and is now only getting her first taste of oxygen.  My, it's getting hot in here.  

However, let's remember Beyonce's theme song (titled "Haunted'') for this flick so prominently featured in the trailer that goes a little something like, "if you're haunting me then I must be haunting you..." In other words, if Christian is weighing heavily on Anastasia's mind (and loins), then Anastasia is probably prancing through his thoughts, as well.  This is confirmed when Christian "just shows up" in the hardware store that Anastasis works in for college tuition.  I should mention that Anastasia's hardware store is in Portland.  As in Oregon.  As in a whole other state away.  A place that is a 3-hour drive from Seattle (if you're driving a like a bat with its ass is on fire). 

And just like that, the dance of attraction/evasion between the smoldering Christian and the naive Anastasia begins.  Will Anastasia fit in Christian's super-rarified world?  Is she in over her head? Will she find her place in his universe?  Or is their dalliance meant to be a fiery but short one?  Or will she find an unexpected soulmate in Christian?  What happens when she finds out some, uh, quirks about Christian?  Like how much time he likes to spend in a mysterious place called, um, "The Red Room" in the depths of his palatial Seattle condo?  What is in "The Red Room"?  And will Anastasia ever be the same again when she finds out?

Gosh, I hope not.  This is one chick who SERIOUSLY needs have her world ROCKED.


BUT SERIOUSLY:  The "Fifty Shades" book series by E.L. James is highly successful but also widely-panned and ridiculed.  In fact, I can't think of another book series enjoying a more inexplicable success factor right now.  To put it kindly, the books are not very well-written.  Yet, they are hugely popular and have sold innumerable copies worldwide.  If you have an explanation for that riddle, I'd be happy to hear it.  

When I heard that the first book was being turned into a movie, I wasn't very interested, having tried and given up on reading it the year before.  I simply couldn't finish it and felt I was just wasting my time.  I can forgive a badly-written book if it's entertaining, but "50 Shades of Grey" was not entertaining to me at all.  More like excruciating.  This didn't translate into any interest in the movie.  

However as pre-production on 50 SHADES OF GREY progressed, I gradually became more interested.  Largely because of the casting of Jamie Dornan, who replaced Charlie Hunnam earlier in the process. Dornan had received acclaim playing the complex, surprisingly human serial killer in the excellent BBC series THE FALL, and I was dismayed and intrigued in equal measure at his addition to the 50 SHADES OF GREY cast.  Dismayed, because I feared his association of the film might taint his promising career.  Intrigued, because part of me was curious as to how he would play the role of the elusive Christian Grey.  

With the release of the trailers of the film, culminating with the sleek, well-done final one right before the movie's release in February, I was definitely willing to give 50 SHADES OF GREY a shot.  The trailers (especially the final one) captured a simmering sensuality and playfulness that the book tried hard but failed to produce.  In past reviews, we've talked about how a good movie can be made from a bad book - as long as that book has solid core premise.  Witness THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY, an excellent movie starring Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep that is based on what in my opinion is one of the worst books of the early 1990s.  The reason THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY worked is because the book's core premise of "a brief encounter between soulmates" is a compelling and timeless one.  Even if the book failed to execute that premise properly, the movie made the right moves and told the story the way it should have been.  The result was one the best-loved movies of the 90s - and of all time.  

Happily (and quite surprisingly) 50 SHADES OF GREY does the same thing - it succeeds where the book failed colossally, giving life to the core premise of an innocent girl who falls down a rabbit hole offered to her by a handsome, alluringly dark figure, leading to transformation.  Much of this film's success is because of director Sam Taylor-Johnson's adept handling of the story and its characters.  She wisely structures the film as almost a romantic comedy, focusing initially on the cat-and-mouse chase between Christian and Anastasia.  Of course, the story has to turn dark and kinky at some point, but because of the clever set-up of the leads' relationship, we are invested in them by the time the proverbial shoe drops.  Or, in this case, the whip.  

Speaking of the leads, much of this film's success should also be credited to Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, whose simmering chemistry is instrumental in stoking our interest in Christian and Anastasia's journey.  As he did with his role in THE FALL, Dornan manages the neat trick of making Christian seem both open and aloof at the same time, using his eyes to convey a lot of unspoken emotion.  There's a tricky scene near the end of the film that could easily have been embarassing and brought down a lesser actor, but Dornan makes it work with confidence, charisma, and dignity.  Quite honestly, he makes the role his own and we can't wait to see what he will do next with the character.  

Also quite effective is Dakota Johnson as the innocent (but not for long) Anastasia.  She is our "portal" character - someone who is our "eyes and ears" into the story, in whose shoes we walk.  It was crucial that a young woman who is likable and relatable be cast in this role - and Johnson is perfect for it.  She lends Anastasia an open vulnerability and self-deprecating humor that often "humanizes" and defuses the proceedings by addressing up front how ridiculous and over-the-top they seem.  This makes Anastasia's (and therefore our) reactions to them very genuine.  I should also add that Johnson is the daughter of actors Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith - and that strong acting legacy is very apparent in her performance.

Jennifer Ehle, Max Martini, Elois Mumford, and Luke Grimes are okay in key supporting roles, but this movie is owned by Dornan and Johnson - the way it should be.  Had anyone else been cast as the leads of 50 SHADES OF GREY, the movie might not have risen as far above as the book as it does.  Fortunately, they got it right with these two...
Time will tell whether the next two FIFTY SHADES movies will be as accomplished as this one - or if they will be as mediocre as the books.  But with Dornan and Johnson still in the roles of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, we can hope for the best...

For now, let's close with a video: Beyonce's theme song for the movie, "Haunted."