"I Like To Watch"

REVIEW UPDATES: The Thrillers, Valentine's Celebration, and The Soccer Blog...

2012-01-29T17:32:00.000-08:00

Happy Sunday, folks! Hope everyone is doing great. It's been a short but eventful weekend. On that note, please note the following updates:

1. With FERRIS BUELLER in the can, we are ready to start our Thriller Reviews.

2. With the MLS season about to start, and the World Cup Qualifiers heating up, I will be spending more time on the Soccer Blog. Accordingly, I have to reduce our film reviews on this blog to two or three a week - one new film, and one or two general films.

3. As such, please note our revised Thriller schedule. The reviews will start posting tomorrow and should all post by next weekend.

# 426 - THE RECRUIT

# 427 - HAYWIRE

# 428 - THE FIRM

# 429 - ENTRAPMENT

# 430 - CELLULAR

# 431 - THE GREY

4. Once the Thrillers post, we begin our Valentine's Celebration, starting 2/6/12. We will be reviewing a dozen or so films (new and general) for the entire month of February - films that celebrate love in all its shapes and sizes. Love of lovers, love of family, love of friends, love of sport, love of cause and ideals, love of food, love of love. As a reminder, please see the Valentine sneak peeks below...

Have a great evening, folks. Please expect all the Thriller reviews to post by Sunday - then we start our Valentine's celebration in full...

# 425 - FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF (1986)

2012-01-29T12:44:00.001-08:00

FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF (1986 - COMEDY) ****1/2 out of *****

(Ferris Bueller - For President. Seriously…)

CAST: Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jeffrey Jones, Jennifer Grey, Cindy Pickett, Lyman Ward, Charlie Sheen.

DIRECTOR: John Hughes

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really awesome slacker genius - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: We all know or have known at least one “Ferris Bueller” in our lifetime. You know: a guy who is impossibly clever, funny, charismatic, intelligent, creative, disarming, cute, unpredictable, exciting, and daring - and gets away with murder. My “Ferris Bueller” is my best friend “Forest Whitaker”, who would pull off such Machiavellian shit without so much as breaking a sweat - and have everyone eating out of his hands afterwards. I could only stand at the back of the room, shaking my head while thinking, “Amazing. Fu-cking amazing.” If he could bottle that “X-Factor” and sell it, he’d make a trillion dollars - easy.

The real Ferris Bueller is the hero of our latest review. He looks at lot like Matthew Broderick, and on one particular day, decides to play hookie from school by feigning sickness. The movie helpfully points out the best way to snow your parents into letting you stay home. See below:

Needless to say, Mom and Dad Bueller (Cindy Pickett and Lyman Ward) fall for it like Carrie Bradshaw going for the last half-off pair of sapphire rhinestone-glitter strappy Manolo Blahniks on the sale table. And just like that, our boy Ferris has got 10-12 hours of potentially awesome skating (not literally, although that is an option) ahead of him. He recruits best pal Cameron Frye (Alan Ruck), who (in an ironic twist) is actually sick, and together they snatch Ferris’ gal Sloane Petersen (Mia Sara) outta school - and set their mischievous sights on the Windy City.

Not so fast, though, because Ferris’ two nemeses are hot on this trail to bust his shit wide open: (1) Jeannie Bueller (Jennifer Grey), Ferris’ jealous spiteful sister; and (2) Mr. Rooney (Jeffrey Jones), high school principal/douchebag who has been chasing Ferris for years - and just might nab him now. The chase is on!

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Believe it or not, Jeannie. And that’s all I’m going to say. Go, girl. Talk about hidden layers…

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Everyone in this flick is hot. My special favorite, though, is Alan Ruck - who’s got that sweet nerd thing going….

MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Oh, where the hell do I start? Ferris stealing Cameron’s dad’s Ferrari? Our trio crashing an art museum? A hoity-toity restaurant? The stock exchange? The Sears Building? A downtown Chicago parade? They’re all winners!

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Jeannie’s scene with The Actor Who Will Go On To Star On TWO AND A HALF MEN - Then Leave It Abruptly. And the scene at the very end where Jeannie saves Ferris’ ass.

HOTTEST SCENE: Sorry, but I have to go for Ferris‘ shower scene where he… well, I‘m not sure what he‘s doing but he obviously doesn‘t want us to see it. So it has to be naughty!

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Ferris, Cameron, and Sloane have a crazy day of illicit fun in the Windy City? Or will someone see them on the street and report them to Rooney? Or will Rooney catch them himself? And what will he do if he does? What about Ferris’ parents? Will they catch on to his schtick? Or will he live to play hookie another day? How will this “day off” end? And the most important question of all: where is that sequel?

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “FERRIS BUELLER‘S DAY OFF”: If you like youth comedies that are just as clever, funny, quirky, and intelligent as their lead character. If so, you are in for sooooooo much fun.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “FERRIS BUELLER‘S DAY OFF”: If you have a hard time sitting through “youth” comedies and prefer “mature” fare. If so, you’re loss…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Just as smart, funny, irreverent, and unpredictable as its hero, FERRIS BUELLER DAY’S OFF is a one-of-a-kind film. It’s a lot more mature and intelligent than your average teen comedy. Not surprising since its director, John Hughes, was also responsible for THE BREAKFAST CLUB, PRETTY IN PINK, and SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL. While Hughes was also responsible for more juvenile (but still good) fare like SIXTEEN CANDLES and WEIRD SCIENCE, he is also notable for adding surprisingly serious and somber threads to his latter films like the first three mentioned above. FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF is a nice combination of these two categories.

It was crucial to have the right actor play Ferris. You can’t just have someone who’s very handsome, because looks are only skin deep, and Ferris is more than just another cute face. The right actor also has to be truly intelligent, funny, creative, subversive, and have the perfect amount of swagger. In casting Matthew Broderick, Hughes found the perfect actor for this unique character. Broderick makes the role his own, and instantly elevates it to iconic status. Broderick as Ferris charms us just as he does everyone onscreen.

He is complemented nicely by Alan Ruck as the far less vibrant, more subdued Cameron Frye. Ruck has an unconventionally handsome face that further helps give Cameron some welcome quirkiness. Ruck also nicely pulls off some semi-dramatic moments later in the film. It really helps that he and Broderick are very believable as best friends - and sell the relationship with their brotherly chemistry. Then there’s Mia Sara, who is just as good as Sloane Petersen, Ferris’ girlfriend who is just as free-wheeling as him. Sara’s slightly-exotic, dark-eyed beauty is a nice match for Broderick’s, and she turns Sloane into a very fresh and welcome “Third Musketeer”.

Of the supporting cast, the most important roles are Mr. Rooney, Ferris’ nemesis, and Jeannie, Ferris’s sister who envies Ferris’ “X-Factor”. Both roles are perfectly cast. Jeffrey Jones makes Rooney hissable, but also somewhat sympathetic - after all, he’s just doing his job (even if he goes to extreme lengths to do it). The result is a fine adversary for the wily and talented Ferris. Jennifer Grey also has some great scenes as Jeannie, and gives her character some unexpected shadings, especially at the very end where she must choose between throwing her brother under the bus - or saving him. She also has a great scene with a “bad boy” played by Charlie Sheen in a hilarious early role. Good work here from both Jones and Grey (and Sheen).

Lyman Ward and Cindy Pickett are suitably clueless as Ferris’ oblivious parents, but in the end, this movie belongs to the titular character himself - and his two partners-in-crime. Their day-long adventures in downtown Chicago are cinematic and comic gold. Whether crashing an art museum, a ritzy restaurant, or huge parade, Ferris, Cameron, and Sloane’s shenanigans are filled with that special energy you get when you’re around some really fun people and have a short amount of time to burn with them. A lot of these scenes, just like the movie they grace, are now iconic. And deservedly so.

Few movies, before or after, capture the power and vibrancy of youth as FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF does. Perhaps it’s just as well that a sequel (Ferris in college or in the workforce) never materialized. Because how do you top this?

In closing, please find below the amusing Super Bowl teaser for this year that had people mistakenly thinking there was a FERRIS BUELLER sequel coming. Ha ha. Go, Ferris:

Oh, and speaking of "special days": HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GIANLUIGI BUFFON! The Juventus keeper turned 34 yesterday! Go, G.G.!

# 424 - HUMPDAY (2009)

2012-01-28T15:54:00.001-08:00

HUMPDAY (2009 - COMEDY) *** out of *****

(Wait… what? You guys are going to do WHAT!?!?!)

CAST: Mark Duplass, Joshua Leonard, Alycia Delmore, Lynn Shelton, Trina Willard.

DIRECTOR: Lynn Shelton

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really compelling reason not too drink too much around your drinking buddies - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: You’re all familiar with the term “Designated Driver”, right? Someone who purposefully doesn’t drink so that he/she can keep all the drunk fuckers at the party from killing themselves on their way home? Well, someone should amend the “Party Constitution Manual” to expand the duties/responsibilities of the “Designated Driver”. Specifically, those chosen for this hallowed position should also look out for their inebriated comrades AT the party - not just when driving them home AFTER. As in: monitor their drunken conversations to ensure they don’t end up making outlandishly asinine dares such as the one at the center of our next review, the indie darling HUMPDAY. And I assure the movie isn’t about “Wednesday”. If it were, we wouldn’t need a “designated driver”.

Our “heroes” are two former college buds: (1) Ben (Mark Duplass), sane-and-settled Seattle yuppie who is trying to start a family with his wife Anna (Alycia Delmore); and (2) Andrew (Joshua Leonard), stoned-and-soused hippie who thinks he’s still an undergraduate and has no intentions of settling down - ever, apparently. Ben’s world is all fine until Andrew comes trekking back into it. And before you know it, the buttoned-up Ben is hanging out again with Andrew and a bunch of hipster lesbos - and slammin’ back lots of judgement-impairing alcohol. Which leads to the reason why they should’ve had a designated driver with them that night…

You see, in the middle of their drunken stupor, Ben and Andrew hear about some amateur porn film festival called, ahem, “Humpfest”. And being drunk, stupid characters in a “clever“ indie film, they hit on the idea of making a movie of them… having sex. Their hook? Simple: “Two straight guys having sex is beyond gay!” Um, yes, it is. It is idiotic. Ben and Andrew somehow think this shit is actually original, novel, and will win them the top prize at, ahem, “Humpfest“. Completely overlooking the fact that two pale, tubby, okay-looking, hetero white guys porking each other is about as erotic as watching a blind person devein a shrimp. And about as awkward, too. It’s not like these guys are GQ models or anything like that. That would be a different story. Very different.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: The guys are so busy trying to prove who’s the bigger stud (stupid men), to realize the colossal blunder they are planning. So its up to Anna to try and talk some sense into these chuckleheads. Good luck, girl. You’ll need it.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Mark Duplass, Joshua Leonard, and Alycia Delmore are reasonably attractive.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Anna discovering the true details of Ben and Andrew’s, ahem, project…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Ben and Andrew trying to “suck face” for the first time. That shit is enough to make Elton John go straight…

HOTTEST SCENE: Um… none. Really. After watching this movie, I’m ready to fly to L.A. and party hardy at the Playboy Mansion. If you know what I mean. Or call up Chris Evans’ Twin for an intervention. Seriously.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Ben and Andrew, two Grade-A straighties, go through with this colossally stupid idea? Who the hell wants to see two thoroughly-ordinary-looking heteros fuck each other? It’s not like we’re taking about Sam Worthington and Gerard Butler here. Will Anna put a stop to this nonsense? Or will Ben and Andrew just run roughshod over her? What are their motivations, anyway? Is one or both of them a closet case - and is using the movie as an excuse to explore his sexuality? And what happens when “Humpday” finally arrives? Will they both get it up? Or is someone going to have to chug a Viagra shake? Who cares. I’m going to fuck Chris Evan’s Twin’s brains out now to erase the memory of this movie.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “HUMPDAY”: If you like talky, quirky, reasonably funny, but also somewhat overrated indie flicks. If so, pull up a chair…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “HUMPDAY”: If you don’t like talky, quirky, reasonably funny, but also somewhat overrated indie flicks. If so, pull out of this one and stick it in a big, expensive studio movie instead.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: An audience darling at the 2009 Sundance 2009 Film Festival (where it won the Audience Award) HUMPDAY was mostly well-received during its release. I didn’t see this film until last year, when a reader recommended it as a review. Based on all the positive critiques and word-of-mouth, it was easy to believe that HUMPDAY was a modern comedy classic. The reality is very different. Is HUMPDAY a good movie? In my opinion, not quite. It’s definitely far from being a bad movie, and broaches some very intriguing ideas. Unfortunately, like other elements in the film, it is half-baked and not fully realized - and doesn’t quite live up to all the hoopla surrounding it.

My main issue with HUMPDAY is the same quibble I had with THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (another interesting but flawed film): it is largely improv. Now, improv can yield some truly inspired comic and/or dramatic gold - but it can also lead to some endless and unfocused meanderings. This was very true of BLAIR WITCH, which had tension and suspense that was constantly being undercut by some unfocused scenes and improv dialogue on the part of its performers. The same thing occurs in HUMPDAY - much of the dialogue of the characters in HUMPDAY is made up on the spot, and while it does occasionally lend the film some depth and amusement, it also goes on far too long than necessary. Instead of feeling as if you’re watching characters interacting, you instead get the sense of actors being unleashed to do their thing - and it actually takes away somewhat from the naturalism of the film. Ironically, for all of HUMPDAY’s “mumblecore” unadorned pedigree, you can’t help but feel you are watching just another “stagey” movie.

The actors themselves are competent. Unfortunately, I just don’t think they delivered any convincing characters - but, rather, were only giving endless speeches. There’s a difference between creating a full-blooded, three-dimensional, unique character - and just making up lines that are purportedly interesting. Alycia Delmore as Anna fares better than Mark Duplass and Joshua Leonard as Ben and Andrew, primarily because we can totally relate to her disbelief at what her husband and his best friend are attempting to do. It’s only later when she calmly lets them do as they please “to get it out of your system” that Anna starts to appear as contrived as Ben and Andrew.

This lack of actual written dialogue may be the reason why it’s hard to buy into Ben and Andrew’s dare. I understand that males can be irrationally competitive at times, but two straight men reluctant to be the first to back down from a drunken bet to sleep with each other (especially when one of them is married and starting a family) is simply ridiculous. And while Duplass and Leonard are decent actors, they do not quite get us to suspend our disbelief and buy into Ben and Andrew’s motivations. Towards the end of the film, Ben does provide something of an explanation when he talks about a surprisingly powerful same-sex attraction he had to a male video store clerk when he first moved to the big city. This is ostensibly supposed to provide the impetus for Ben to pursue the “Humpfest” project with Ben - to find out if he has any secret desires for men. Unfortunately, because of the lack of a carefully crafted script, it feels like something pulled out of mid-air and not a motivation organic to the plot. In the end, it’s just another bit of improv.

I have to state again that HUMPDAY is not a bad film, or even average one. It is an interesting but flawed one - proof that just because you have a clever idea, doesn’t mean you automatically have a good film. You also must have the right execution. And in my opinion, they should’ve used an actual written script and jettisoned the improv.

RANDOM HILARIOUS YOUTUBE VIDEO - Behind The Scenes of THE PROPOSAL...

2012-01-27T21:10:00.000-08:00

Hiya, folks...

Remember that classic "I Love You/I Hate You/I Love You" romantic comedy THE PROPOSAL (review # 369)? Well, a loyal viewer just alerted me to the hilarious behind-the-scenes spoof of stars Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty White going at it like a bunch of spoiled divas. Check out the vid below. Even funnier than the MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA spoof.

Ha ha ha. Damn. Ryan got owned by the girlz... And not in that good way.

REVIEW UPDATE: HUMPDAY & FERRIS BUELLER....

2012-01-27T16:55:00.000-08:00

Hello, all...

Happy Friday! We made it to the weekend - finally. We were supposed to have been waist-deep in our Thriller Reviews by now, but it's been a busy week for the Soccer Blog (and other social engagements), and so all my energies have been focused on those avenues.

However, please note that the reviews for HUMPDAY and FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF will both post tomorrow. Then we start our Thriller Reviews, beginning with THE RECRUIT, ENTRAPMENT, and THE FIRM. Others to follow.

Thanks for understanding. It's been a "molto-particulare" week. In other words, "one of a kind" - but in a very good way.

Ciao, folks...

Arise, Sir David, MLS Savior, and (update) Juventus, Serie A 2011-2012 Winter Champs......

2012-01-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

Happy Sunday, folks...

It's been a terrific weekend for various reasons, which is why I haven't gotten HUMPDAY and FERRIS BUELLER'S OFF DAY posted yet. Please expect them to go up tonight when we get back in.

And while I know I've decided to separate all soccer, Sounders, and World Cup-related matters to the other blog, I can't resist posting a little tribute to Sir David Beckham here. I posted a tribute and celebratory post on the soccer blog to commemorate his decision to give the finger to Paris-St. Germain - and remain here in the U S of A. And now I'm finally posting a similar (if a lot shorter) tribute to him here on this movie review blog.

I don't have to tell you how important it is for American soccer to have this brilliant, unique individual in our folds, especially on the eve of the MLS 2012 season kickoff in March... We were genuinely concerned that Becks would actually go to to France. Turns out we have nothing to worry about - for the next two years, anyway.

But let the images of this brilliant man speak for themselves:

Cheers, Becks. See you at CenturyLink Field this season. Give me some great pictures like you did last season...

UPDATE: And to fellow Juventus fans back in Italy and around the World, congrats on Juve being the Winter Champs for the Serie A 2011-2012 season, which is the half-way mark title. This is a good sign because, historically, the teams that won the Winter Champs title, went on to win the Scudetto (Serie A version of the MLS Cup). After Napoli, Inter-Milan, and Roma, Juventus is my next fave team, which along with Becks' decision to stay Stateside, makes this month a great time in soccer, both domestic and international.

A tribute to La Vecchia Signora, AKA The Old Lady (Juventus's nickname as one of the oldest football clubs in Italy)...

UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR 1/23/12 - 2/3/12

2012-01-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

Evening, folks...

Hope everyone's doing great thus far, and having a blast. We're right on schedule with our film reviews. I still owe you folks HUMPDAY and FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF for this week. Yup, our list changed a bit because I pulled BELLA and MONEYBALL to save them for the Valentine's Celebration for most of the month of February. They're great examples of "Love of Sports" movies.

Speaking of the Month of Love, the last two weeks of January will be devoted to... thrillers. Since most of February will be devoted to movies about love in all its shapes and sizes, we have to get all the adrenaline out of our system. I've chosen a bunch of thrillers, mostly recommendations with a couple of personal favorites, to also mark the release of THE GREY and HAYWIRE in theaters and ABDUCTION on DVD. Yup. Once we get the thrills and chills out of our system, we'll be ready for a month of Amore.

Please see our Thriller Schedule for the next two weeks below:

# 426 - THE RECRUIT (AKA: If All CIA Agents Looked Like Colin Farrell And Bridget Moynahan, I Would Gladly Be A Bad Guy Just So They Could Frisk Me)

# 427 - CELLULAR (AKA: Jason Statham And Chris Evans In One Movie - I Think I Just Died And Went To A "Happy Ending" Sauna)

# 428 - THE FIRM (AKA: Goddamn That Fucking Placement Office)

# 429 - ENTRAPMENT (AKA: Catherine Zeta Jones In A Catsuit - Partay!)

# 430 - THE GREY (AKA: More Reasons Not To Fly Anywhere North of Seattle)

# 431 - ABDUCTION (AKA: Taylor Lautner Plays A Bastard - No, He's Literally A Bastard, As In: An Illegitimate Spawn)

# 432 - HAYWIRE (AKA: Jason Bourne - With Tits)

# 433 - THE CLIENT (AKA: Susan Sarandon - Best. Lawyah. Evah.)

Please expect the reviews for HUMPDAY and FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF to post sometime this weekend. Have a great one, folks!

# 423 - THE PELICAN BRIEF (1993)

2012-01-19T19:28:00.001-08:00

THE PELICAN BRIEF (1993 - THRILLER / MYSTERY) *** out of *****

(So… is this flick about a bird‘s underwear?)

CAST: Julia Roberts, Denzel Washington, Sam Shepard, Tony Goldwyn, John Lithgow, Robert Culp, Stanley Tucci, Cynthia Nixon, Jake Weber, Hume Cronyn, Ralph Cosham.

DIRECTOR: Alan J. Pakula

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really fucked-up way to be proven right - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: In one night, two Supreme Court Justices, Justices Rosenberg (Hume Cronyn) and Jensen (Ralph Cosham) are brutally iced. Given that one was a conservative Republican (Rosenberg) who was older than mold with one foot in the grave, and the other (Jensen) was a middle-aged Democrat who liked to secretly frequent gay porno theaters (in fact, he is killed in one), it’s safe to say their social circles didn’t exactly overlap, know what I’m sayin’? So why would an assassin kill those particular two? What did they have in common that made them targets? While the FBI and the rest of Washington DC go into conniption fits over the assassinations and try to find out who was behind them, someone 1,000 miles away in New Orleans has already done their fucking jobs for them.

She is Darby Shaw (Julia Roberts), a brilliant and driven Tulane University law student who has a flash of inspiration after the murders - and writes a lengthy speculative paper explaining who ordered the hits and why. She dubs this saga as, ahem, “The Pelican Brief”, for reasons that you will find out if you see the movie. Anyhow, Darby passes the brief on to her professor/lover Thomas Callahan (Sam Shephard) - who then passes it on as a joke to FBI pal Gavin Verheek (John Heard), who then passes it on up to his higher-ups, who then pass it on to the… the President (Robert Culp).

Bad move. Because it turns out that whoever ordered the killings of Justices Rosenberg and Jensen is very well-connected - and very powerful. Before you can say “Run, Julia, Run!” Thomas is killed in a car bombing that Darby herself barely manages to escape. It appears that someone wants anyone who’s read “The Pelican Brief” to be a thing of the past - including the author herself. Especially the author herself. After lots of THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR-like shenanigans and perils, Darby hooks up with Washington Post reporter Gray Grantham (Denzel Washington), and together they try to figure who hates Darby’s theory enough to kill her for it. Damn, Darby, what the fuck did you write in that thing?

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Gray and Darby, I guess. They’re the only ones doing anything to figure out what the hell is going on. Everyone else just wants ‘em dead.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: It‘s the Julia and Denzel show - make no mistake….

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: The final parking gargage chase scene where the assassins chase Darby and Gray, just after they’ve uncovered proof of the conspiracy, is the closest thing this movie has to an outright climax - therefore it’s the most exciting, if only by default. Oh, and the scene where Darby and Gray break the story of the, uh, “bird brief”.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: That dipshit assassin Khamel (Stanley Tucci) getting a dose of his own medicine when Darby’s “guardian angel” assassin crashes their party…

HOTTEST SCENE: Any time Julia is called upon to convey the kaleidoscope of emotions going through Darby - without a single word and just using her face. This. Woman. Rocks.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What the hell is in “The Pelican Brief”? What kind of a shit-storm has Darby started with her (apparently) dead-on speculations? And who is behind the whole thing? A powerful friend of the President’s? If so, is the President himself a baddie? And if he is, what hope does Darby have of surviving this thing? Can Gray help her? Or is he part of the conspiracy, too? Will the assassins eventually catch up with Darby? If so, how will she outwit them? And why didn’t she just take the brief to the NATIONAL ENQUIRER instead? Because assassins wouldn’t dare go after paparazzi. It would wind up in all the papers, you see…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE PELICAN BRIEF”: If you like conspiracy-chase legal thrillers based on bestselling books. And if you like Julia, Denzel, and author John Grisham.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE PELICAN BRIEF”: If you don’t care for conspiracy-chase legal thrillers and prefer to see Roberts in lighter fare like PRETTY WOMAN, RUNAWAY BRIDE, AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS, and SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY. Kidding about that last one…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: I first read John Grisham’s bestselling thriller “The Pelican Brief” not long after its publication in 1992. Hot off the mega-success of his previous novel “The Firm”, Grisham once again hit the bull’s eye with this story about a too-brilliant-for-her-own-good law student who correctly deduces the motive and perpetrator behind the high-profile assassinations of two Supreme Court Justices, and must go on the run to not only stay alive, but also prove that she’s right. From reading the heroine’s physical description the book, I couldn’t help but think Grisham had written the role of Darby Shaw with Roberts in mind. Whether or not this is the case, it’s a good thing she took the role because she elevates this film with her star power.

I write “elevates” because without Julia Roberts, THE PELICAN BRIEF would’ve been an average film. Suffice it to say, I was somewhat disappointed when I finally saw the cinematic version of the novel that I thoroughly enjoyed. I love Hitchcockian chase thrillers, and the novel was a solidly good example of one. On the surface, THE PELICAN BRIEF looks like it can’t miss: (1) Alan J. Pakula (director of such classics as ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN, KLUTE, and PRESUMED INNOCENT) at the helm; (2) Roberts and Denzel Washington as her co-lead; and (3) a solid supporting cast consisting of Sam Shepard, John Heard, Stanley Tucci, John Lithgow, Robert Culp, Tony Goldwyn, and a young Cynthia Nixon, pre-SEX AND THE CITY.

Unfortunately, the kinetic energy of the book is replaced by a broodingly-slow pace that might’ve been welcome in another kind of thriller, but somehow doesn’t feel right for this “race-to-stay-alive” story. Scenes that came across as tense and exciting on book and script page somehow feel muted and lackluster onscreen. To be sure, there are still a few suspenseful setpieces here, such as Khamel the assassin going after Gavin Verheek, and the final confrontation (as such) in the parking garage between Darby, Gray, and the killers on their trail. But these are too few and far between. Most of the time, we get a whole slew of perfunctory sequences of Darby being chased by nameless thugs, or she and Gray going about their investigation in mechanical manner.

I’m not sure what to attribute this lethargic feel to THE PELICAN BRIEF except Pakula must have specifically aspired to it. Sadly, Pakula was killed in a bizarre car accident years ago, and I certainly respect the man’s talent. After all, he gave us ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN, KLUTE, and PRESUMED INNOCENT. Like those films, THE PELICAN BRIEF is a thriller. Unlike those films, however, THE PELICAN BRIEF is a chase thriller. As such, it needed a more galvanizing, and less somber, feel. Think of THREE DAYS OF A CONDOR from 1974, which was the right blend of cerebral and visceral. Director Sydney Pollack made that movie a memorably energetic thriller that didn’t short-change the audience’s intelligence. Pollack would go on to repeat this winning combo with THE FIRM (1993 - the same year as THE PELICAN BRIEF and also from a Grisham novel) and THE INTERPRETER (2005).

Indeed, if you want to see the kind of directorial approach THE PELICAN BRIEF should have received, just watch THE FIRM (review coming next week) and see how Pollack manages to not only combine suspense and action, but also humor and humanity. Unfortunately, THE PELICAN BRIEF doesn’t have enough of these elements to allow it to reach THE FIRM’s level of quality. I often wonder how THE PELICAN BRIEF would’ve turned out if Sydney Pollack had directed it. Again, I’m a deep admirer of Alan J. Pakula’s talents, and I certainly mourn his passing like all film lovers, but I just feel his handling of THE PELICAN BRIEF was not the most ideal one.

Why, then, does THE PELICAN BRIEF manage to rate *** (above average). As I wrote before, two words: Julia. Roberts. Prior to THE PELICAN BRIEF, Roberts had done mostly comedies and dramas, and only starred in two other thrillers: the flawed-but-interesting FLATLINERS (1990) and SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY (1991). Coming straight off PRETTY WOMAN, Roberts proved in these flicks that she was more than just a comedy actress and could also do “serious and scared” compellingly. There are moments in both FLATLINERS and SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY where Roberts holds the screen and our attention with her expressions alone - revealing more about her characters’ emotional states than ten pages of dialogue.

She does the same thing in THE PELICAN BRIEF with Darby Shaw, beautifully. Some great examples to look for: (1) Darby’s reaction when Thomas is first killed in the car bombing; (2) her realization in the Emergency Room that his death was not an accident - and she was supposed to die, as well; (3) Darby hiding in the hotel room, trying to control her panic; (4) Darby’s reaction when she discovers that Gray’s contact at the law firm has been killed, and her ensuing “breakdown”; and (5) her farewell look to Gray at the end.

If there was ever proof of star power being able to save a movie from average-dom, it’s Roberts’ emotionally compelling turn in THE PELICAN BRIEF. As it is, Roberts manages to do this even when the script shunts Darby to the side for extended periods of time while it follows the uninteresting machinations of most of the male supporting characters (including Gray - more on that below). Imagine how much more stunning Eoberts could’ve been - and how much better THE PELICAN BRIEF would be - if Darby was the main focus of the story for most of the running time. That’s another reason why THE FIRM is a superior film to THE PELICAN BRIEF - in the former, we spend more time in the lead character’s shoes and get caught up in his dilemma.

Another reason THE PELICAN BRIEF isn’t as energetic as it can be is a rather bland performance from Denzel Washington. Anyone who reads this blog knows I’m a fan of the guy. But, as I’ve mentioned in previous Washington film reviews, I find him more interesting when he’s playing flawed, imperfect characters. When he plays “goodie-goodie” type of heroes (as in THE BOOK OF ELI), I tune out. Here, he is playing such a guy: someone who is not only perfect, but boringly-so. I didn’t feel this way about the character in the book, so I can only surmise it’s Washington’s “Knight-In-Shining-Armor” approach to the role - or Pakula’s direction of him. In any case, THE PELICAN BRIEF would’ve been a stronger thriller with a “rougher-edged” reporter as its co-lead. Think of Russell Crowe’s dynamic character in STATE OF PLAY - that’s how Gray should’ve been played. Or even just casting Laurence Fishburne in the role - he always seems to have an element of dangerous unpredictability to him, no matter how nice his character is.

Ultimately, THE PELICAN BRIEF is a curiously restrained chase thriller (there’s a contradiction in terms) that is enlivened by Julia Roberts’ sheer charisma and “X-Factor“. Without her, I don’t know how enjoyable this film would’ve been. No disrespect to the talented late Mr. Pakula. Just keeping it real.

# 422 - CONTRABAND (2012)

2012-01-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

CONTRABAND (2012 - ACTION / THRILLER) ***1/2 out of *****

(Damn - is it that easy to get ahold of a bunch of counterfeit money?)

CAST: Mark Wahlberg, Kate Beckinsale, Giovanni Ribisi, Ben Foster, J.K. Simmons, Caleb Landry Jones, David O‘Hara, Lukas Haas, Diego Luna.

DIRECTOR: Baltasar Kormakur

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some rather unpleasant Panamanian vacations - straight ahead.

IT’S LIKE THIS: Just when reformed contraband (get it?) smuggler Chris Farraday (Mark Wahlberg) thought he’d left the bad life behind, he gets sucked back into it when his dipshit brother-in-law Andy (Caleb Landry Jones) does the very thing Chris told him not to do: “running” for slimy scumbag crime kingpin Tim Briggs, Chris’ former crony. One of Andy’s jobs for Tim goes bad, and he’s forced to toss over 10 pounds of blow (powder/snort kind, not mouth/suck kind - relax) into the bay of New Orleans to keep customs from snatching it.

Tim, understandably, ain’t too thrilled about this unforeseen glitch, even if it really isn’t Andy’s fault. Being a colossal prick, Tim beats Andy and a friend within an inch of their lives, and tells Chris that if Andy doesn’t pony up the $5,000,000 that the blow would’ve fetched, he’s coming after all of them - to include Chris’s wife Kate (Kate Beckinsale) and their two sons. Before you know it, Chris is reluctantly organizing one last “run” with fellow ex-smuggler and best pal Sebastian Abney (Ben Foster) to dig Andy and his clan out of the hole. This involves infiltrating a Panama-bound cargo ship, where Chris and his crew must snag a bunch of counterfeit cash (in sheets) from a murderous Panamanian kingpin (Diego Luna) and smuggle it back to New Orleans, detected. The shit you do for family, huh?

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Chris - easily. Mark Wahlberg could be playing The Hamburglar, and still win this award.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Mark Wahlberg, who is like an American Russell Crowe. Kate Beckinsale and Ben Foster tie for second.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Chris and co.’s little day trip in Panama, where they must fetch the “contraband” and get their fine asses back to the ship before that asshole captain leaves them behind.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Kate telling Andy not to worry, because Tim probably won’t come after him and kill him for losing over $5 million worth of Tim’s cocaine. Remember the “I.T.F.F.R. Look” we discussed in previous reviews? As in: “Is This Fucker For Real?” Well, let’s just say that’s the look Chris gives his wife for this exceedingly naïve (read: stupid) statement.

HOTTEST SCENE: Any time Mark Wahlberg gets to furrow those eyebrows. Sexiest eyebrows this side of Michael Keaton, Colin O‘Donoghue, Chris Evans, Famke Janssen, Jennifer Connelly, and my # 1 man Russell Crowe…

And the rest of the “Eyebrow Porn Brigade”:

Michael Keaton

Colin O’Donoghue

Chris

Famke Janssen

Jennifer Connelly

Russ

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Chris be able to save Andy, Kate, and the rest of his family? Will his high-stakes, all-or-nothing gamble down in Panama work? Or will the asshole captain catch on to what he and his team is up to? And what happens when the dangerous Panamanian drug lord double-crosses him? Will their plan still work? Or does Chris have to think fast and improvise? Meanwhile, back in New Orleans, can Sebastian continue to protect Kate from Tim and his homeys? Or does, ahem, Sebastian have some secrets of his own? If so, what are they? And will they help - or hinder - Chris? And the most important question of all: is it really that easy to get your mits on millions of dollars worth of counterfeit money? If so, I need assemble my own crack team of, uh, crackheads and head to Panama, ASAP!!!

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “CONTRABAND”: If you saw and liked the original Icelandic film this is based on, REYKJAVIK-ROTTERDAM. And if you like reasonably entertaining action/thrillers, and are a fan of Mark Wahlberg, Kate Beckinsale, Giovanni Ribisi, or Ben Foster.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “CONTRABAND”: If you are more into light comedies or romances. And if Mark Wahlberg, Giovanni Ribisi, and Ben Foster are too intense for you.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Baltasar Kormakur is the star of the 2008 Iceland action/thriller REYKAVIK-ROTTERDAM, and in an interesting twist, he has been given the directorial helms for its American remake CONTRABAND. It’s not uncommon for foreign directors to direct the American versions of their previously successful films (Takashi Shimizu with JU-ON and THE GRUDGE, Ole Bornedal with NATTEVAGEN and NIGHT WATCH). It is far less common, though, for the star of a foreign film to do the same. After all, even the most talented actor may not have the first clue of how to tell a story visually. In the case of REYKJAVIK-ROTTERDAM and CONTRABAND, original director Oskar Jonasson doesn‘t return for the American remake - his original star Kormakur does.

Fortunately, it appears Kormakur knows a thing or two about directing a film, and the result is a solid action/thriller that is seriously helped by the intensity and charisma of its lead and his supporting cast. I have not seen REYKJAVIK-ROTTERDAM, and can’t compare it to CONTRABAND, but it must be at least an above-average film it warranted an American remake. While the practice of smuggling has been shown in many thrillers, it mostly has been presented as tangential subplots - and not the main thrust of the film as it is here. This gives CONTRABAND a degree of originality. While you can’t help but wish Kormakur and his writers would’ve delved into the topic a little more, they still manage to take us on a relatively tense and entertaining ride by going into somewhat uncharted territory.

Mark Wahlberg always turns up the heat in any film he’s in, and I don’t mean that in a sexual way (although he is most definitely attractive). I mean that in a dramatic way. The man has a powerful screen presence. He walks into a room, everyone takes notice, and the air becomes charged with anticipation - “something is going to happen“. The only other film stars I’ve seen with this kind of electricity are Russell Crowe, Tom Cruise, and Chris Evans. Wahlberg turns Chris Farraday into a solid, decisive hero that we can get behind, and he has nice way of hinting at deeper layers with simple looks, gestures, and movements. Watch for the early scene at the hospital, where Kate tries to reassure Andy that Tim and his goons won’t come after him anymore. The contrary look on Chris’ face very much says otherwise - and it is a chilling moment. Wahlberg pretty much makes this movie.

The strong support is headed up by Kate Beckinsale as Chris’ imperiled wife Kate. Beckinsale is a talented actress and handles this easy role well. She doesn’t get much to do here except fret and comfort her kids, but she does it sympathetically. To be fair, Kormakur and his writers try their best to involve Kate in the plot, especially in the third act. Giovanni Ribisi turns in another edgy, unpredictable performance as Tim Briggs, the lowlife crime lord whom Chris locks horns with. As with all his roles, the talented Ribisi manages to show some specks of humanity within his scummy character. But the most interesting presence (after Wahlberg) is the intense Ben Foster as Chris’ best pal Sebastian, who reveals some surprising sides as CONTRABAND unfolds. Like Wahlberg, Foster conveys a lot of these layers with some very telling non-verbals. Foster’s standout scene is Sebastian’s confrontation late in the film with an Irish crime lord played by David O’Hara. Foster shows a lot of Sebastian’s guilt, shame, and fear - without saying a word. Talented, talented man.

Ultimately, CONTRABAND can stand on its own as a good film. At some point, I’d like to watch REYKJAVIK-ROTTERDAM just to see how it compares to its American cousin. Until then, kudos to star/director Baltasar Kormakur for giving us some solid entertainment that nicely showcases the talents of Mark Wahlberg, Kate Beckinsale, Ben Foster, and Giovanni Ribisi.

# 421 - THE DESCENDANTS (2011)

2012-01-16T20:03:00.001-08:00

THE DESCENDANTS (2011 - DRAMA / COMEDY) ***** out of *****

(Hey, maybe I can get a cut of that land trust by saying I‘m King Kamehameha‘s half-Haoli bastard great-great-great-great-grandson - could work….)

CAST: George Clooney, Shailene Woodley, Amara Miller, Nick Krause, Patricia Hastie, Beau Bridges, Robert Forster, Matthew Lillard, Judy Greer, Michael Ontkean.

DIRECTOR: Alexander Payne

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some strong reasons to wish you were descended from Hawaiian royalty - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Workaholic Honolulu attorney Matt King (George Clooney) is having a rough few months: (1) wife Elizabeth (Patricia Hastie) had a boating accident and is now in a deep coma, which forces him to take time off from work and care for his two daughters whom he barely knows: (2) 10-year old daughter Scottie (Amara Miller), who is an elementary school nightmare who likes to terrorize her classmates with obscene text messages; and (3) 17-year-old daughter Alex (Shailene Woodley), who is a recovering drug addict hanging out with a stoner dork named Sid (Nick Krause), so it’s safe to say there’s a relapse in her future. Oh, and just because all that isn’t enough to turn his hair gray (just look at his pictures), Matt also has to (4) deal with his cousins over the sale of 25,000 acres of prized land on Kauai that they all inherited from their Royal Hawaiian (not the airline) ancestors - because Matt‘s the trustee. They’re thisclose to finalizing a sale that will make all of them rich. Well, richer…. So, naturally, the ass-pucker factor is kind of stratospheric.

Oh, but I forgot the real kicker: during yet another argument, Alex blurts out to Matt that (5) Elizabeth was fucking someone else before her accident. This, naturally, turns Matt’s world upside down even more. Which technically means his world has, lately, been doing more spinning and twirling than the chuckleheads on SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE. And you thought that rich people who live in Hawaii had nothing to worry about besides not wearing enough sunblock. Silly, silly bastards…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Matt himself, with a nice solid assist from Alex. These two make a great team.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: George Clooney, by a mile. We should all look that great with silver hair…

MOST INTENTIONALLY FUNNY/SWEET SCENE: Matt tracking down Elizabeth’s secret boyfriend Bryan (Matthew Lillard) by using the super-duper high-tech technique of… hiding behind a bush. And also Matt, Alex, and Scottie surveying their land on Kauai. Lucky jerks…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY/SWEET SCENE: Matt, Alex, Scottie, and Sid traveling to Kauai as “family” - to track down that fucker who was screwing Mom before she went into the coma.

HOTTEST SCENE: Any time Matt looks like he’s about to cry. Come here, baby, let me make it all better…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Matt and his family surmount their numerous problems? Will Elizabeth ever wake up from her coma? Will Scottie finally stop behaving like a hooligan and act like a normal ten-year-old girl? Will Alex stop giving her dad a hard time and start cooperating with him? Will they confront Bryan about his affair with Elizabeth? If so, what will happen? And what about the sale of all that land? Will Matt go through with it and become even wealthier - or will he honor his duty to his ancestors and continue to safeguard and protect the land? Will the King family make it through this difficult time? Will they learn the value of family? Time will tell. One thing I know for sure: if I lived in Hawaii permanently, I know who I’d be spending most of my time with:

The natives…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE DESCENDANTS”: If you like quirky, funny, beautiful, and intelligent comedies about family and friendship - all given a fresh setting in Hawaii. And if you are a fan of George Clooney and/or director Alexander Payne (ABOUT SCHMIDT, SIDEWAYS) - who deliver their most accomplished work here. And if you are fan of the book by Kaui Hart Hemmings that it’s based on.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE DESCENDANTS”: If none of the above apply to you, you should beat a path to THE DEVIL INSIDE or CONTRABAND instead.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: I have to admit that the only other film by talented director Alexander Payne I’ve seen is SIDEWAYS (review # 119), the wine country road trip/buddy movie starring Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church as Miles and Jack - best friends on one last hurrah before Jack gets married. While I like that film and found it to be a solidly good ride with a few truly beautiful moments (such as Miles’ speech about the beauty of Pinot Noir to Maya, Virgina Madsen’s character), I also thought it was just a bit overrated considering all the glowing reviews heaped on it.

It further didn’t help that Miles and Jack start out very unlikable - the former was a whiny pessimist and the other was a thoughtless jerk. Of course, they do change somewhat towards the third act of the film (especially Miles), but they do try your goodwill and patience during the first half of the movie. And I was afraid that Payne’s latest film would feature the same problem: a lead character that is difficult to sympathize with.

Fortunately, in THE DESCENDANTS, we have a much more likable lead character in Matt King. Unlike Miles who basically goes around whining and feeling sorry for himself excessively, Matt keeps his emotions to himself and only rarely vents to his daughters. He prefers to basically keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on through the tough situation he and his daughters find themselves in. And despite the fact that he is quite rich, Matt doesn’t flash it around - and is instead very humble and low-key.

It also helps considerably that George Clooney manages the neat trick of making Matt’s stoicism very expressive, with flashes of vulnerability peeking beneath his forced calm. He doesn’t make the mistake of making it look like Matt is not perturbed about what is happening around him - as a less talented and less expressive actor could’ve mistakenly done. Basically, Clooney turns him into a man of cool reason (he’s a lawyer, after all), who is clearly fighting to remain reasonable. This has the effect of evoking our concern and interest.

Clooney does a terrific job of charting Matt’s transformation from the workaholic, barely-present father he was before Elizabeth’s accident, to the fumbling, bewildered forced single parent to two feisty daughters he suddenly becomes, and eventually to the confident, authoritative, but also magnanimous authority figure he ends up being. Clooney won the Best Actor Award for Drama at the Golden Globes last night, and I will be very surprised if he doesn’t win his second Oscar at the Academy Awards come end of February. He is so good as Matt King that you actually forget he’s playing a part - essentially, Clooney disappears into the role. As any actor worth his salt (and then some) should do. It’s a wonderful performance that deserves to be recognized.

Shailene Woodley as Alex is just as terrific as Clooney. They have a nice rapport and are very believable as father and daughter. The best thing about THE DESCENDANTS is watching Alex slowly lower her guard (and stingers) and slowly realize the pain behind Matt’s composed façade. There’s a terrific shot in their car where the defeated Matt sits hunkered down in the driver’s seat, still shell-shocked by the news of Elizabeth’s infidelity. Then Alex leans forward and seems to almost absorb his sadness. With one sentence (“I know where he lives”), she starts to bridge the gap that will eventually re-connect them.

Indeed, the biggest pleasure of THE DESCENDANTS is watching Alex become Matt’s fiercest ally. Whether defending him from their bullying grandfather (Elizabeth’s father) or helping him track down her mother’s lover, Alex’s rekindled loyalty to her dad - and his renewed appreciation for her and her sister - is this movie’s biggest reward. If I hadn’t already promised to deliver this review, I would’ve saved it for the Valentine’s Day line-up as a sterling example of a Father-Daughter love story. This movie is quietly amazing - and its mainly because of Clooney and Woodley.

Another interesting angle of the film is the whole “land trust” issue. The secondary conflict facing Matt is the seemingly no-brainer decision to cash in tremendously on the land he and his cousins inherited from their Hawaiian royalty ancestors. While no one would blame him for going through with the sale, Matt eventually understands that family loyalty extends back to our forebears - and our responsibility to safe guard their legacy, even if it means losing out on hundreds of millions of dollars. Suffice it to say, this sub-plot has a resolution that’s just as satisfying as the main plotline. Sometimes, doing the right thing isn’t easy - but it still must be done.

The supporting cast shines just as brightly as Clooney and Woodley. Amara Miller is a goofy, quirky delight as Scottie, and Nick Krause is an unexpected source of comfort for the family as Sid, the smarter-than-he-looks stoner pal of Alex’s who is brutally honest and says the wrong thing at the wrong time. But when he does say the right thing at the right time, he is amazing. Two scenes with Sid stand out as winners: (1) the nice talk that he and Matt have late at night while the girls are sleeping, wherein Matt discovers just how truly smart and sensitive this seemingly dumb kid is; and (2) the late scene at the hospital where Sid (and Alex) stand up to defend Matt from his tyrannical father-in-law. Krause does a terrific job of showing all of Sid’s different colors. His memorable work here, along with Woodley and Miller’s, signals greater things ahead for these young performers.

Veteran performers Robert Forster, Beau Bridges, Matthew Lillard, Judy Greer, and Michael Ontkean are sharp and vivid in their roles, but THE DESCENDANTS truly belongs to the main quartet of Matt, Alex, Scottie, and Sid - who end up forming an impromptu family of their own as they navigate their way through the stormy events around them. The final shot is a perfect way to visually end their journey - which, along with the film’s beautiful and evocative poster, clearly illustrates the double meaning behind the title: “The Descendants” doesn’t only refer to Matt, his cousins, and their responsibility to protect the land bequeathed to them by their ancestors, but also Matt’s responsibility to his kids to be an active, positive force in their lives. Because they are his “descendants”. The same way we are responsible to our children, whether they be sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, grandkids, or younger siblings,

Like THE WAY, this film is now one of my favorites. In comparison, SIDEWAYS is almost a non-event.

# 420 - THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011)

2012-01-16T12:58:00.001-08:00

# 420 - THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011)

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011 - MYSTERY / THRILLER) **** out of *****

(If this movie is to be believed, those Swedes are even more repressed than the Japanese - and that‘s saying something…)

CAST: Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara, Robin Wright, Christopher Plummer, Stellan Skarsgaard, Steven Berkoff, Joely Richardson, Geraldine James, Yorick Van Wageningen, Ulf Friberg, Embeth Davidtz, Moe Garpensal.

DIRECTOR: David Fincher

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some strong arguments for never going to any family reunions - straight ahead.

IT’S LIKE THIS: Remember how in our last review, THE DEVIL INSIDE, we talked about how its heroine Isabella Rossi’s family was seriously dysfunctional? What with her mom killing three people while supposedly demonically possessed? Then subsequently getting institutionalized in a Rome hospital for the criminally insane? Well, compared to the Vangers, the fucked-up family in our latest review THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, the Rossis were virtually like the Cleavers. Yes, folks. It could always be worse, and the Vangers are proof of that. On the surface, they appear to be Sweden’s powerful first family - kind of like the Kennedys but with Swedish meatballs, pickled gherkins, lingonberry jam, and serial murder served at dinner each week. Even the family’s powerful patriarch Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) essentially says he would trust a rattlesnake with PMS before placing faith in most of his immediate family. That’s bad.

At any rate, Henrik hires troubled journalist Mikael Blomquist (Daniel Craig) to write his memoirs and do a little, erm, family research. Why Mikael of all people? Well, for starters he: (1) is a brilliant, determined, and incisive writer who always has integrity; and (2) needs a new gig ever since he tussled unsuccessfully with a powerful tycoon (Ulf Friberg) who didn’t care for Mikael’s unflattering but brutally honest portrayal of him. See where integrity gets you? Anyhow, it turns out the “memoirs” job is just a smokescreen, and Henrik really wants Mikael to solve the mystery of his favorite niece Harriett’s (Moa Garpendal) disappearance during a family reunion on the Vanger island estate almost 45 years ago. And he’s sure one of the family members is responsible. Told you they were a bunch of snakes.

Helping Mikael in his investigation is brilliant loner punk computer hacker Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara), who is like James Bond, Lara Croft, Hannibal Lecter, Smilla Jaspersen, The Crow, Superman, and a whole tattoo/piercing parlor - rolled into one. Turns out Lisbeth helped do the background check on Mikael before Henrik hired him - and she knows all the most vital stats about him. Such as he wears sports briefs - not the boxer kind, but the bikini kind. And is good with his tongue. Which, if I was Lisbeth, is all I would need to know. Let the party begin…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Lisbeth, hands down. Like I said, this chick is basically Superman - but without a dick and more body piercings. Mikael is basically just her bitch boy. Without her, he’d scarcely be able to solve the mystery of how to get his car door unlocked - let alone the one about Harriet’s disappearance.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Daniel Craig, hands down. As if there was any doubt…

MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Lisbeth’s sleazebag “parole officer” (Yorick Van Wageningen) roughing her up in the worst way. I refuse to show a picture of it - it’s that disturbing. Anyone who has read the book knows what I’m talking about - but also knows that Lisbeth eventually gets her sweet revenge. That one, I will show a picture of. Because the bastard deserves it.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Any scene where Mikael wanders around the Vanger island estate. That place is just a little less inviting than a mortuary. How could anyone live there for a long period of time? No wonder the Vangers are so fucked-up.

HOTTEST SCENE: Mikael and Lisbeth get it on a few times in this flick, but there’s just something iffy and icky about the whole thing, since she looks young enough to be his daughter. So, I suppose, this award has to go to the brief glimpse of darkly gorgeous Embeth Davidtz as Mikael’s lawyer sister Annika at a Christmas party. Hopefully we will get to see more of Embeth’s beauty and talents in the sequels…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… what happened to Harriet? Did one of the Vangers kill her and hide the body? Or is there another explanation? If so, what is it? And what secrets are the other family members hiding? How will Mikael and Lisbeth discover them? And what does Anita Vanger (Joely Richardson), who fled to London because she hates her family so much, know about that day back in 1966? As Harriet’s best friend, what answers does Anita have? And what happens when Mike and Lizzy eventually link Harriet’s disappearance to a series of serial murders reaching all the way back to the 1940s? Is her death connected somehow to those crimes? Is the killer still loose? Who will be the next victim? Mikael? Lisbeth? Henrik? Anita? Annika? The Swedish Chef from THE MUPPETS? Say it ain’t so! I love that goofy bastard…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO”: If you’re a fan of the book and the Swedish film adaptation starring Noomi Rapace. And if you like moody, atmospheric mystery/thrillers that peer into dark souls under seemingly-respectable facades….

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO”: If you didn’t like the book or the Swedish film adaptation. And if you would rather see sunny, chirpy romantic comedies. Because this movie is at the opposite end of the spectrum from those flicks…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: I’ve only read a few snippets of the novel “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” by the late journalist Stieg Larsson, but I have to say that it reminds me a lot of my favorite book of all time: the wonderful “Smilla’s Sense Of Snow” by Peter Hoeg, published in 1992. In fact, I would venture to even say that Hoeg’s book may have even paved the way for Larsson’s novel. I wouldn’t be surprised if Larsson was actually inspired by “Smilla’s Sense Of Snow” and perhaps wrote “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” as somewhat of an homage. Both novels share some striking similarities: (1) both were written by Scandinavian authors (Hoeg is Danish, Larsson was Swedish) and set in wintry, brooding environments; (2) both revolve around quirky, brilliant, nonconforming heroines who don’t care what society thinks of them; (3) both deal with serpentine mysteries involving seemingly-respectable members of high society that the heroines and their male sidekick must unravel at a great danger to themselves.

“Smilla’s Sense Of Snow” was ultimately turned into a movie in 1997, and while it was a solid, above-average thriller, SMILLA’S SENSE OF SNOW didn’t quite capture the existential and philosophical leanings of the novel. Furthermore, Smilla as played by the lovely Julia Ormond in an otherwise creditable performance, just wasn’t rough-edged or acidly humorous enough. Not having read completely though Larsson’s novel, I can’t honestly say how THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO compares to it (or the Swedish adaptation). What I saw onscreen, though, was a very good mystery/thriller with some moody underpinnings and bleak atmosphere - much like SMILLA’S SENSE OF SNOW. GIRL rates higher than SMILLA because of a more twisty third act and satisfying (and poignant) double ending.

I’m not sure if the essence of Mikael Blomquist and Lisbeth Salander transfers faithfully from the novel, but both are vividly played by Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara, respectively. Craig brings his usual combo of steely grit and quiet intelligence, and does a good job of keeping Mikael from appearing as just another crusading journalist. Meanwhile, Mara delivers a suitably unpredictable and restless performance as the troubled hacker who is more tenacious and gifted than everyone around her combined. I’ve heard that Mara’s take on Lisbeth is a bit softer and more vulnerable than Noomi Rapace’s interpretation in the Swedish film. I think that’s a good thing, because it allows us to sympathize with the character more. Given that she’s already a fairly formidable person with all her piercing, tattoos, and rough-edged intelligence, Lisbeth’s more accessible vulnerability courtesy of Mara is very welcome indeed.

The supporting cast is stellar, peopled by such luminaries as Robin Wright, Christopher Plummer, Stellan Skarsgaard, Joely Richardson, Steven Berkoff, Embeth Davidtz, Geraldine James, and Yorick Van Wageningen (who was so likable in the recent wonder THE WAY, but is despicable here - I guess that’s what they call “acting”). In the end, though, this movie is Craig and Mara’s, and it could’ve easily foundered had they been ineffective or miscast in their roles. Fortunately, they weren’t - and they successfully make this a promising harbinger for the next two films in the GIRL trilogy: THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE and THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET’S NEST.

If Craig and Mara stay on board, and if David Fincher (SEVEN, THE GAME) continues to direct them, there’s a good chance we could have a quality trilogy that may even reach classic status. Here’s hoping…

# 419 - THE DEVIL INSIDE (2012)

2012-01-15T11:50:00.001-08:00

THE DEVIL INSIDE (2012 - HORROR) **1/2 out of *****

(What a waste of all that Italian scenery…)

CAST: Fernanda Andrade, Simon Quarterman, Evan Helmuth, Ionat Grama, Suzan Crowley, Maude Bonnani.

DIRECTOR: William Brent Bell

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some strong arguments for never watching a horror movie again - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: New Jersey hottie Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade) has got some family issues, and when you hear what they are, you will never ever again think your family is fucked-up. Compared to the shit that’s going down in the Rossi household, every other clan is downright Brady Bunch-like. See, turns out Isabella’s mother Maria (Suzan Crowley) went apeshit when Isabella was just, like, a toddler or something - and killed three people. Gets even weirder: turns out these “three people” were members of the clergy who were, erm, trying to exorcise demons from inside Maria. Hence that title - get it? No - we are not talking about the kind of devil that takes you over after ten straight shots of Absolut Vodka. We’re talking about the real Devil - the one who has a zip code in some place far south and very hot, and I ain’t talkin’ about Florida in August.

Anyhow, as you can imagine, growing up with this kind of cloud over your head ain’t fun. So Isabella eventually decides to find out just what the fuck really happened that night years and years ago. She recruits Michael (Ionat Grama), a jackass director friend, to travel to Italy with her. Seems Maria has been transferred by the Vatican to the Centrino Hospital For Total Lunatics And Utter Whackjobs - and Isabella going to pay a visit. Yes, folks… the Vatican got involved. Somehow the Pope and his homeys decided this New Jersey housewife going nuclear on their brethren was important. But why? This is what Isabella and Michael want to find out - and have decided to film their investigations. In Rome, they meet two priests willing to help them with their inquiry: (1) Father Ben Rawlings (Simon Quarterman), studious and stoic British man-of-the-cloth; and (2) Father David Keane (Evan Helmuth), American priest who looks more like he should be working behind the counter of your local Krispy Kreme.

Before you know it, Isabella, Michael, Ben, and David make like the gang from Scooby-Doo and get neck-deep in all sorts of heinous supernatural shit. Are you even surprised?

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Everyone seems to have the IQ of wilting lettuce - except for Father Ben, who actually looks and acts like he has a few brain cells to rub together. But is he smart enough to save everyone from “Dumb Horror Movie Character Syndrome”?

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Brazilian hottie Fernanda Andrade as our Italian-American heroine Isabella wins this one hands-down. The only way she could be hotter is if she truly were Italian…

MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: The baptismal scene. That’s all I’m saying. One word: DAMN. Oh, and the scene with that blind nun staring at Isabella. How the fuck did she know someone was there if she’s blind? HOW?!?!

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Some of the acting. Seriously, guys. Tone it down a little…

HOTTEST SCENE: The demon looking right at Father David and saying (and I’m not making this up): “Let me suck your cock - I know you’ve been fantasizing about it…” Let’s just say the resulting look on Father Dave’s face is something along the lines of: “How did he know? And can I get him alone for just five minutes?” Ha ha ha. Wow… Go for it, dude. Crazy people give the best head.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… is Maria Rossi actually possessed by demons? Or is she just batshit crazy? What will Isabella discover when she sees her mother for the first time in over 20 years? Will mother and daughter bond? Or will this family reunion be a train wreck? How will Father Ben and Father David combat the evil terrorizing them? And what happens when the demon’s evil influence spreads from Maria - to the team itself? And the most important question of all: will Father David finally give in to temptation and whip his pecker out to let the demon drain his nuts? You know he’s seriously considering it. Just look at that face:

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE DEVIL INSIDE”: If you like “demonic possession” movies and “found footage” flicks. And if you love Italy so much that you are willing to watch any movie set there.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE DEVIL INSIDE”: If you want your horror movies to actually, you know, go somewhere instead of being a bunch of gimmicks. And if you are so so so over the whole “demonic possession” and “found footage” sub-genre…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: With the recent commercial (if not critical) success of demonic-possession horror films like THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE, THE RITE, and THE LAST EXORCISM, as well as that of found-footage horror entries like QUARANTINE and the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies, it was only a matter of time until the next bid for box-office gold came rolling down the pipe. Last week saw the release of THE DEVIL INSIDE - and strike gold, it did. With a relatively miniscule budget of $1 million, the film grossed over $33 million in its first three days of general release in North America. To date, the film has grossed almost $47 million. Unquestionably, it is a box-office smash.

But does that mean it is a good movie? No. Not quite. That’s not to say that THE DEVIL INSIDE didn’t have promise, though. It certainly did. With a foreboding premise and an atmospheric setting (the lovely Italy), it could’ve become a solid entry into the “Demonic Possession-Found Footage” horror subgenre - if it played its cards right. Unfortunately, while there are certainly some eerie and gripping scenes to be found here (such as the exorcisms of Rosa and Maria, the glimpse of that nun, and the disturbing baptism scene), there’s also a lot of theatrical acting that counteracts the whole naturalistic tone that the all “found footage” movies should aspire for. Unlike the best entries into this subgenre like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, QUARANTINE, and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 1 & 2, you never forget for a second that you are watching a movie with actors.

The first part of THE DEVIL INSIDE also drags interminably, with endless scenes of Isabella, Michael, Ben, and David just sitting around and talking. And just when the story starts to go someplace truly scary - the evil spreading through the exorcists themselves - director William Brent Bell drops the ball in a major way. Fortunately for him, the mere promise of where this movie could’ve gone is enough to keep it from sinking into mediocrity. The last few scenes of THE DEVIL INSIDE are the most effective. If Bell had just explored the promising thread he introduced, this movie would’ve rated higher than average.

The cast is competent, but most of them seem either too detached (Fernanda Andrade) or too melodramatic (Evan Helmuth, Ionat Grama, Suzan Crowley, and the hospital staff). Only Simon Quarterman as Father Ben Rawlings strikes a good balance between the two ends of the emotional spectrum. He’s easily the standout of the film. As such, he becomes more sympathetic than Isabella, who should be the focus of our empathy and interest - but isn't because Andrade, as lovely as she is, somehow fumbles the character. Quarterman and the lovely, brooding Roman scenery are some compensation.

In the end, THE DEVIL INSIDE had promise but was cut short by some half-baked execution. I would wait to rent this one on DVD instead…

Speaking of Italy, I have to cut this review short so we can tune in to the much-awaited Serie A death match between city rivals AC Milan and Inter-Milan. Kickoff is just minutes away…

My money’s on Giampaolo Pazzini, Javier Zanneti, Dejan Stankevic, Yuto Nagatomo, and their Nera-Azzuri fratellos from Inter-Milan. I always root for the Underdog, and I bet this game is going to be a lot more exciting than THE DEVIL INSIDE.

And there goes the ball!

UPDATE: Inter won, 1-0. Viva Nera-Azzuri!

# 418 - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA (2005)

2012-01-14T02:47:00.000-08:00

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA (2005 - ROMANCE / DRAMA) ***1/2 out of *****

(Work that ghost-face make-up and kimono, girlfriends…)

CAST: Ziyi Zhang, Gong Li, Michelle Yeoh, Ken Watanabe, Kaori Momoi, Youki Koudoh, Suzuki Ohgo, Koji Yakusho, Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa, Ted Levine, Eugenia Yuan.

DIRECTOR: Rob Marshall

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some smokin’ hot escorts, er, hookers, er, courtesans, er, geishas, er, whatevers - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Let me clarify something upfront: Geishas are not prostitutes. They do not sell their bodies for sex. Nope. Instead, they sell their, ahem, “artistic” services such as, uh, dancing, playing music, pouring tea, doting, flattering, chatting, and basically showing their, um, clients a good time. Oh, and when they are teenagers, a bidding war is held over their, uh, “mizuage“. If you’re thinking that’s some sort of rare type of miso soup, allow me to let you down hard: “mizuage” means “virginity”, folks. Yup. Basically, a bunch of rich guys throw down their yen (a lot of it) to see who gets bragging rights for popping that Geisha’s cherry.

Well, I guess they kind of are like hookers then, huh?

Whatever. Anyhow, our next review chronicles the “Cinderella” story of grey-eyed Japanese chick Sayuri (Ziyi Zhang as an adult, Suzuki Ohgo as a child) as she goes from being a humble fishing village orphan, to the persecuted maid of a Kyoto okiya (geisha house), to finally becoming a geisha herself. Apparently, these chicks were the supermodels of their time - and the hottest of them all is Hatsumomo (Gong Li), an icily dangerous diva who is like Elektra King, Catherine Trammell, and Hannibal Lecter in Kabuki make-up. Hatsumomo is the queen of her okiya, and doesn’t particularly cherish the idea of Sayuri dethroning her anytime soon. Things get even more interesting when Sayuri falls in love with The Chairman (Ken Watanabe) after he buys her some flavored ice one day (don’t ask).

Then, as if all that wasn’t complicated enough, Sayuri acquires a mentor in the form of super-kind and graciously elegant Mameha (Michelle Yeoh), who is basically the most-loved geisha in the whole city (as opposed to Hatsumomo, who is the most beautiful but also most-feared). When Hatsumomo gets wind that her nemesis Mameha is grooming Sayuri as her protege, things get even more intense in the okiya - even more intense than the upcoming soccer game this Sunday between bitter rivals AC Milan and Inter-Milan. And when we’re talking about something trumping those hot-blooded Italian calcio fanatics, that’s saying something.

Let’s sit back and watch the fur fly, shall we? Ladies, on my mark, let the catfights begin…

Sayuri, Mameha, and Hatsumomo…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Mameha, all the way… Love, love, love this chick. Basically my cinematic role model. As in: when I run into a sticky situation, I think: “What would Mameha do?“ Seriously. Not that I always succeed in emulating her. But, hey, at least I try…

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: This is basically the Ziyi/Michelle/Gong show. Those cheekbones are probably the most-requested in Beverly Hills plastic surgeons’ offices. Oh, and Ken Watanabe is probably the hottest Japanese guy I’ve ever seen - in or out of Japan.

MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: The ending. And that’s all I’m going to say…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: The protective Mameha apologizing to Sayuri for not doing a better job of protecting her from The Baron (Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa), Mameha’s sleazy danna (sugar daddy). And also Mameha taking Sayuri under her wing - and teaching her everything she needs to know about being a Geisha - in record time. Go, sisterz…

HOTTEST SCENE: That ending. Again, that’s all I’m going to say… Oh, and the scene where Mameha teaches Sayuri how to stop a man in his tracks - with just one look. Let’s just say a certain dude on a bike goes ass-over-teakettle when he catches Sayuri’s “let’s-get-it-on-homey” bedroom eyes. Ouch.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… will Mameha succeed in transforming Sayuri into the most successful Geisha ever? Will Hatsumomo just stand by and let that happen? Or does she have something up her sleeve? And does Mameha have her own “wild card”? If so, what is it? What happens when Hatsumomo takes Sayuri’s friend Pumpkin (Youki Kudoh) under her wing? Is she going to drive a wedge between the friends? Or will their friendship survive? Speaking of friendship, how long can Mameha go on protecting Sayuri from Hatsumomo? And what happens when Hatsumomo finds out about Sayuri’s secret love for the The Chairman? Can Sayuri still have a happy ending? Well, let’s just say that if The Chairman becomes her danna, he’s the one who’s going to get a bunch of Happy Endings. Ha ha…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA”: If you loved the novel by Arthur Golden (as I do). And if you have ever lived in Japan (as I did). And if you love Japanese culture and tradition (as I do). And if you love complex, layered female characters that are played by gorgeous and talented actresses (as I do). Then this is your early Valentine’s present…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA”: If you didn’t like the novel. Or if you don’t get Japan. Or if you don’t like female-driven films. Or if you were one of those that had an issue with three Chinese actresses playing Japanese characters. In which case, go see CONTRABAND, instead

BUT, SERIOUSLY: As I mentioned at the beginning, geishas are not prostitutes. According to Japanese tradition, they are something between a hostess and a performance artist - with a dash of courtesan mixed in. However, one could also argue that someone who sells her virginity to the highest bidder and actively seeks a wealthy man to have her as his mistress… well… isn’t entirely innocent, either. In any case, the mysterious art of being a geisha was tackled majestically in Arthur Golden’s stunning 1997 bestseller “Memoirs Of A Geisha.” It landed on many readers’ Top 10 lists (including mine - it is #6), and was filled with rich, lyrical prose and vivid, complex characters - especially the women.

It was only natural that the popular novel would be turned into a film, and the legions of fans could hardly wait. Anticipation for the release of MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA was further stoked by the controversial casting of Chinese/Chinese-descent superstars Ziyi Zhang, Gong Li, and Michelle Yeoh in what were clearly Japanese roles. Many people seem to take issue with this, citing ethnic and literary inaccuracy, at best, to perpetuating the “Asians all look the same” stereotype, at worst. I am not one of those people. If anything, the main reason to see MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA are the strong performances of Li, Zhang, and Yeoh. The fact that they are not Japanese does not detract one bit from their showcase. And that’s a good thing, because the film itself, while a solidly good experience, is not perfect. The novel was near flawless, but in transferring the story to the screen, the feel of the story has changed a little.

As a romance, MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA is a very restrained one. Ken Watanabe is an intensely charismatic and handsome leading man, and Sayuri’s love for his character The Chairman, which she carefully hides from everyone around her, is certainly intriguing. But, unless you’ve read the book, you never know until the last five minutes whether or not he feels the same way for her. For most of the film, they circle one another in a sort of tentative dance that is both bashful and wary. As a result, the love story aspect of the film is curiously low-key and muted. Of course, at the very end, when (*SPOILER ALERT*) The Chairman confesses to Sayuri that he’s loved her all this time, and was actually the one who sent Mameha to protect and mentor her, all the simmering emotions and buried desire finally click into place and take off - creating one of the most rewarding endings out there. Unfortunately, for a romance to be considered a true romance you have to know it’s a two-way street well before the ending.

However, taken as a sort of exotic meditation on female empowerment and women’s roles in old Japan, MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA is a stronger film. And when you get down to it, this movie is more about Sayuri, Mameha, and Hatsumomo - and their relationships with each other and the society around them - than it is about Sayuri and The Chairman. These three women are rich, layered, and fascinating - and screenwriter Robin Swicord does a great job of transferring their essence from the novel. It also helps considerably that the three actresses chosen to play them, despite all the hoopla surrounding their casting, are all perfect for the roles, regardless of their nationality.

Sayuri is a compelling heroine who juxtaposes earnest and sincere qualities with surprisingly sly and guileful ones. This actually makes her a credible adversary for the ruthless Hatsumomo, and her crafty intelligence also comes in handy when interacting with the various male characters within her world who are essentially using her - she’s using them right back, and they don’t even know it. And she’s also smart enough to recognize that being a geisha is the same thing as being in a cage - it may be a beautiful cage, but it’s still a cage. Ziyi Zhang captures all of Sayuri’s facets and keeps us firmly in her corner, blending fragility, strength, wisdom, and cunning in perfect doses.

As the formidable Hatsumomo, the cat-like Gong Li delivers another memorable turn. It’s a credit to her performance that Hatsumomo doesn’t comes across as a one-dimensional and unpleasant bitch. In our review for YOUNG ADULT (review #), we talked about how Charlize Theron vividly portrayed such a repellent character that you eventually couldn’t stand to even look at her despite her physical attractiveness - all you could see was the inner ugliness. In MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA, Li does the exact opposite: while Hatsumomo is certainly amoral and ruthless, Li imbues her with so much nuance, charm, and intelligence that you can’t take your eyes off her. If anything, the more devious Hatsumomo becomes, the more seductive and fascinating she is. The difference between Li and Theron’s characters is this: Hatsumomo actually has some class and a functioning brain - Mavis Gary (Theron’s character) doesn‘t.

Also, despite their polar opposite standings as protagonist and antagonist, Sayuri and Hatsumomo actually share one very striking thing in common: both of them want to pursue their own lives and loves - which their traditional roles as Geishas strictly forbid them to do. Put simply, they don't want to be fenced in. Indeed, a lot of Hatsumomo's "villainy" can be partially attributed to her simply not willing to play by the rules that the men have set. In a way, she was just ahead of her time - and Sayuri actually muses at one point whether or not she and Hatsumomo are all that different in the end. Both want to be free to do their own thing - but their society sadly doesn't want them to.

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA’s best character, though, is Mameha - the kind, gracious, and elegant veteran geisha who acts almost like a fairy godmother to Sayuri and shows her the geisha ropes, so to speak. Mameha was my favorite character in the novel, and when I heard Michelle Yeoh was cast in her role, I was overjoyed. Cool, poised, intelligent, witty, classy, and somewhat mysterious, Yeoh is one of my favorite actresses and is perfect as the similarly-enigmatic Mameha. Indeed, she brings a potent combo of ethereal star power and earthy humility to the role that instantly marks any scene she’s in as a highlight. Especially great is the “training sequence” that shows Mameha schooling Sayuri on the art of geisha-dom and stopping a man in his tracks with a “single glance”. If Zhang and Li were any less effective, Yeoh would’ve easily stolen the movie from them. As it is, they are all equally terrific.

The supporting cast is fine, with Youki Kudoh and Kaori Momoi the standouts as Pumpkin, Sayuri’s okiya friend, and Mother, the actual owner of the okiya. But in the end, MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA belongs to the geishas themselves - and the beautiful and talented actresses who play them. Without them, this may not have turned out as good as it did.

In closing, a little humor: MAD TV's hilarious and very very wrong spoof of the MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA trailer. I haven't laughed so hard since, well, last night...

UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR 1/9/12 - 1/22/12

2012-01-09T19:02:00.000-08:00

Hello, folks...

Here's to a great start to 2012. Hope everyone is in the best of spirits. Our Holiday Movie Review ended up changing somewhat, but the movies we didn't get to will be saved for later. For now, please find below our movie review schedule for this week and next:

# 418 - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA (AKA PRETTY WOMAN In The Land Of The Rising Sun)

# 419 - THE DEVIL INSIDE (AKA Old Scratch Is At It Again)

# 420 - THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (AKA Daniel Craig Is Brooding Again)

# 421 - THE DESCENDANTS (AKA George Clooney Is Fretting Again)

# 422 - CONTRABAND (AKA Mark Wahlberg Is Angry Again)

# 423 - HUMPDAY (AKA: Brokeback Mountain With Straight Guys)

# 424 - THE PELICAN BRIEF (AKA: Julia Roberts Goes Denzel, er, Damsel In Distress)

# 425 - FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (AKA My Hero)

# 417 - SOCCER MOM (2008)

2012-01-08T23:31:00.001-08:00

SOCCER MOM (2008 - COMEDY / SOCCER FLICK) ***½ out of *****

(Let‘s just say that Gianluigi Buffon, Marco Materazzi, Gennaro Gattuso, and Paolo Cannavaro have absolutely nothing to worry about…)

CAST: Missy Pyle, Emily Osment, Dan Cortese, Elon Gold, Robert Cavanah, Master P, Cassie Scerbo, Kristen Wilson.

DIRECTOR: Gregory McClatchy

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one faux-Italian soccer coach - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s a bleak time in the Handler household, for the following reasons: (1) Papa Handler just died, and (2) daughter Becca (Emily Osment) is devastated for obvious reasons, but also because (3) Dad was her soccer team’s coach, and (4) he was the Shiznit, apparently, and (5) the new coach isn‘t, and (6) mom Wendy (Missy Pyle) while sweet and supportive, also knows as much about soccer as a Brit does about American football. Which ain’t enough to fill 1/10th of a thimble. And Wendy rarely makes it to the games because of the hair salon she runs. For crying out loud, Wendy thinks soccer is played in “innings”, and that a “red flag” gets a player booted out of the game, and that “Mia Hamm” is a food product. Needless to say, not exactly dad’s equal when it comes to appreciation of the “Beautiful Game.”

At any rate, things start to look up ever so slightly (okay more than ever so slightly) when Coach Kenny (Steve Hytner) gets transferred to Italy because of his day job (some sort of zipper designer for a fashion house - really). What’s even better is that Kenny has arranged for World-famous Italian soccer superstar Lorenzo Vincenzo (Dan Cortese) to exchange countries with him - and coach the girls since Lorenzo will be spending a sabbatical in the States. Unfortunately, when Lorenzo arrives in Bella America and Wendy meets him, they both discover there was a fundamental misunderstanding - Lorenzo didn’t realize the girls were fourteen-year olds. And according to Lorenzo, he “does-a not-a coach-a the-a little-a girls-a team-a!” The only thing missing is him yelling “Succhiare il cazzo!” at Wendy and grabbing his crotch at the same time. Maybe in the deleted scenes…

Anyhow, faced with this last-minute unpleasant surprise, Wendy has two options: (1) break the bad news to the girls that Lorenzo Vincenzo is out of the picture in a big way and tell them to roll with the punches; or (2) have her best gay friend/hair salon employee/closet soccer devotee Tony (Elon Gold) not only give her a makeover that makes her look exactly like Lorenzo - but also pose as her assistant coach and school her on everything soccer so she can pretend she is Lorenzo Vincenzo, Italian Soccer Stud, and coach the girls’ team to victory.

Guess which one she chooses…

Before

After

Yes - she makes the choice that every reasonable human being of at least average intelligence would make. Not sure why, though, because the Galaxy girls don’t look like they know the difference between a sliding tackle, a block tackle, or a bait and tackle shop.

By the way, I should mention that Becca’s team is called, ahem, “The Galaxy“. No, I assure you they are not affiliated with that Galaxy from L.A. They fucking wish. If they were, David Beckham would go back to England forever and burn all of his MLS gear.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Tony, the fairy who knows more about soccer than most announcers at Fox Soccer. If it weren’t for the fact that this guy is a hairdresser and not an armchair film critic, I would’ve been sure the producers of SOCCER MOM had based him on me - and demanded a cut of the profits.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Dan Cortese, being Italian, is naturally very hot. Even though in his “Lorenzo Vincenzo” get-up, he looks too much like Cheech and Chong rolled into one. That’s okay, though. He still wins. Missy Pyle never fails to crack me up, whether she’s playing sweet, kooky, or both, and is very pretty. Tony Elon is kind of cute, too. Three-peat! Hat Trick Hotties!

MOST INTENTIONALLY FUNNY SCENE: Wendy impersonating Lorenzo, then hanging out with all the soccer dads, trying to act all “butch and manly”. Then the real Lorenzo shows up at the same bar… uh-oh Fucking. Priceless.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY SCENE: Coach Kenny’s “pep” talk to the Galaxy at the very beginning. Damn, dude, why not just bitch-slap them while you’re at it? Also, the scene where Wendy’s best pal Dee Dee (Kristen Wilson) gives “Lorenzo” some serious “fuck-me” eyes - not realizing it is really, ahem, Wendy. Kinky.

HOTTEST SCENE: Well, if you mean “hottest” as in “most exciting in a non-sexual way” it would have to be the climactic battle between the Galaxy and the Bitches. Well, technically they’re called the Malibus - but let’s face it: they’re the bad team so they’re Bitches.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: How long can Wendy get away with this harebrained scheme? How long can she trick Becca, the other Galaxy girls, and their parents into thinking she is actually an Italian stud-muffin soccer player? How long can Tony continue to feed her with his endless knowledge of soccer technique and history? How long can she and the real Lorenzo keep nearly-running into each other? How long can Becca and the Galaxy girls last in the final match against the Malibu Biyatches? How long? HOW LONG!?!?!

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SOCCER MOM”: If you love soccer, female soccer players, and comedies about them that are pretty wacky but also surprisingly funny and good. If so… GOAL!!!

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SOCCER MOM”: If you are more into football (American) or baseball, and would rather watch movies about those sports. And if you don’t like your comedies to be too wacky. If so, your choice - and your loss.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Watching SOCCER MOM, I kept thinking of another one of our reviews, the solidly hilarious GRANDMA’S BOY (review # 48). Now, SOCCER MOM and GRANDMA’S BOY have nothing in common, plot-wise, but they both share the same goofy/wacky type of humor. And, most importantly, they are both so confident and cheery that you can’t help but be won over by them. They also had leads that were very likable and easy to root for. That is something that many films surprisingly lack; if you don’t like the main character, why would you hang out with them for a couple of hours?

SOCCER MOM’s premise is admittedly pretty farfetched. How could a suburban American woman who knows nothing about soccer hope to impersonate a swarthy Italian soccer star for more than five seconds? The script at least tries to provide Wendy a reason for employing this fairly ridiculous tactic: her daughter can’t take any more disappointment after the death of her father who was also her soccer coach. In short, Wendy does it for her daughter - which, from a “movie logic“ (if not a “reality logic”) standpoint, makes some sense. That’s the biggest leap we as the audience have to take, and you pretty much have to take it or stop watching the movie. My advice is to go ahead - because once you do, some of the gags and yuks waiting around the corner are fairly inspired.

There’s a great sequence in a bar where Wendy-as-Lorenzo has to socialize with all the fathers of her players - and she has to try to match their swagger by boasting about women and sex and other such things. Then, to make matters even more dicey, the real Lorenzo shows up and sits right behind her, making the charade doubly hilarious. And then the same waitress ends up serving both tables - leading to some priceless confusion. Then there’s the scene (glimpsed in the trailer) where Wendy-as-Lorenzo gives a cashier her driver’s licence - and the cashier just gives the most priceless reaction. Best non-soccer scene in the movie…

Speaking of the soccer scenes, they are energetic and also amusing - primarily because Wendy knows nothing about soccer and has to rely on Tony’s expertise and knowledge. A lot of humor comes from her “fish-out-of-water” trial-by-fire, and trying not to give away the fact that she is not “Lorenzo.” It should be noted that SOCCER MOM is as funny as it is because of Missy Pyle’s charm and appeal. As mentioned above, she turns Wendy into a very likable lead you can get behind, and it’s nice to see her take on a leading role for a change. Pyle and Elon Gold as the gay but soccer-savvy Tony make a great comic team. They’re the best thing about this movie.

The rest of the cast is solid. Dan Cortese hams it up as the Italian soccer star Lorenzo Vincenzo, and he’s clearly having a good time just like everyone else. Emily Osment spends much of the first part of the movie looking understandably glum, but does a credible job of lightening up when “Lorenzo” begins coaching the team. Then there’s Steve Hytner as Coach Kenny, who is a droll delight - especially in that early “pep” speech he gives the team. With that kind of leadership, is it any wonder they’re at the bottom of their league? Very, very mean speech - but also very, very funny.

In the end, SOCCER MOM is a wacky, goofy, and surprisingly good comedy that benefits from the same cheerful confidence that elevated the similarly goofy and wacky GRANDMA’S BOY. Both of them will definitely put a smile on your face.

In closing some music and soccer to toast this good flick - and the achievements of the U.S. National Women’s Soccer Team. Go, girlz! Some great pics in the vid below.

# 416 - ROMAN HOLIDAY (1953)

2012-01-08T17:20:00.001-08:00

ROMAN HOLIDAY (1953 - ROMANTIC COMEDY) ***** out of *****

(24 hours cavorting around Rome with someone who looks like Gregory Peck - where do I sign up?)

CAST: Audrey Hepburn, Gregory Peck, Eddie Albert, Hartley Power, Harcourt Williams, Margaret Rawlings, Tullio Carminati, Paolo Carlini, Claudio Ermelli, Paolo Borboni, Alfredo Rizzo, Laura Solari.

DIRECTOR: William Wyler

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to play hookie from your royal duties with a handsome American journalist (ahem) while in Rome - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: While on a diplomatic tour of Italy, Her Royal Highness Princess Ann (Audrey Hepburn) finds out firsthand that the life of an aristocratic blue-blood may not be all that and a bag of chips. For starters, Princess Ann has to contend with the following harsh realities: (1) when you are a royal, you have to wear a heavy-ass tiara/crown on your head all the time (ouch); (2) when you are a royal, you have a whole staff of flunkies breathing down your damn neck and restricting your behavior all the time; (3) when you are a royal you have to stand straight all the time; and (4) when you are a royal you have to dance with a lot of other royals who look like The Crypt-Keeper - all the goddamn time. I mean, where are all the kings, princes, and dukes who look like Russell Crowe, Chris Evans, and Raoul Bova? WHERE!?!?!

Anyway, the Great Royal Italian Tour eventually hits Rome - and Princess Ann cannot take this “mind-your-P’s-and-Q’s” shit anymore. Fed up with her “gilded-cage” existence and wanting some excitement, Annie (as we will refer to her from now on because ‘Princess Ann’ is just too much to type over and over again) finally busts out of her royal chambers one evening after seeing the vibrant city of Bella Roma right outside the palace. She sneaks out to see how the other 99.9% live, intending to sneak back in just a few hours before any of her flunkies or the palace Gestapo (who might actually be her flunkies) notice she’s missing. Anyone expecting Annie to stick to her schedule or go unnoticed for long needs to take a remedial course in Rom-Com-Formula. Nope, she runs into smooth American reporter Joe Bradley, who is based in Rome (lucky fucking dog - can we trade cities?), and before you know it, he is giving her exactly what she wanted: a whirlwind 24-hour adventure through The Eternal City - and my future home. Ahem.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Joe Bradley. If all journalists looked like him, the world would be a better place - no matter how much bad news they reported.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Audrey and Greg, all the way. With a nice dose of Eddie Albert as Greg’s photographer buddy, Ivan.

MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Take your pick: Annie and Joe zipping around Rome in a scooter. Annie and Joe at the Trevi Fountain. Annie and Joe at the Spanish Steps. Annie and Joe at the Mouth of Truth. Annie and Joe at the dance by the Tiber River. It’s all sweet.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: When Joe and Ivan give Annie all their pics from their “adventure” at the very end. Sob. Choke. Sniffle…

HOTTEST SCENE: Gotta be the scene where Annie takes control of the scooter - and trashes Roma Centro with it. Just call it “Royals Gone Wild.” And, of course, the part at the Mouth of Truth…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… how long before the Royal Flunkies discover that Princess Annie has flown the coop? How will they get her back? Will she even bother coming back? Or is she going to have such a great time with Joe that she’ll give them all The One-Finger Salute and stay in Italy for good as a commoner? Is Joe just in it for the hot story that will surely sell a million newspapers? Or does he really care for Annie? Will he re-think his journalistic ambitions and put her before his success? Or will he write the story anyway? We’ll see. Personally, if I was the Princess, there’s no way you could get me to leave the Rome city limits - unless of course we’re going to Capri to have a beach party. YEAH!!!

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “ROMAN HOLIDAY”: If you are a fan of classic romantic comedies - ones that are more about simple charms, sweetness, and the innocence of love - and not about THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY-type of gross-out jokes. Not that there’s anything wrong with those.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “ROMAN HOLIDAY”: If you don’t like classic black-and-white movies. Or classic romantic comedies that paved the way for modern versions of the same story. If so, you are so missing out. Your loss…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: I don’t know if it is appropriate or respectful enough to say that Audrey Hepburn was the “Julia Roberts” of her day (perhaps it should be said that Julia Roberts is the “Audrey Hepburn“ of hers). But I don’t know how else to describe to modern audiences just how dynamic an effect Hepburn had on the art of cinema during her prime. Like Roberts, Hepburn practically swept out of nowhere and charmed the entire world with a unique blend of charm, intelligence, emotion, and humor. So much so that many critics said the same thing about both of them: “My God. Who is she and where has she been all this time?“ Needless to say, both Hepburn and Roberts were real finds.

Just as it is often difficult to accurately verbalize Roberts’ appeal, it is hard to capture Hepburn’s charisma in words. It is best experienced - through their films. And their strongest films are the ones that first showcased their gifts to the globe. Just as PRETTY WOMAN perfectly introduced Roberts to the whole world in all her leading-woman glory, so too did ROMAN HOLIDAY accomplish the same for Hepburn - and presented her as a cinematic force-of-nature. And just as Hepburn was rewarded for a 1953 Best Actress Oscar for her performance, so too was Roberts graced with a 1990 Best Actress nomination for her work.

ROMAN HOLIDAY’s screenplay also won a 1953 Best Screenplay Oscar - and with good reason: it pretty much set the standard for all the “odd-couple-ticking-clock” romances and romantic comedies that would follow throughout the years. You know what I mean: two people meet unexpectedly, click wonderfully, but must part very soon and face the fact that they may never see each other again. Without this ground-breaking film, we may not have seen BRIEF ENCOUNTER, PRETTY WOMAN, THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY, LOST IN TRANSLATION, BEFORE SUNRISE, BEFORE SUNSET, LAST CHANCE HARVEY, NICK AND NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST, and most recently, the breathtaking and unforgettable WEEKEND (review coming for Valentine’s Day).

ROMAN HOLIDAY was also a forerunner of the “conspiracy-rom-com”. This is the kind of film in which the protagonist (or protagonists) engages in role-playing and deception for their own reasons - only to have things fall apart when they fall in love unexpectedly. We’ve seen this in modern films like JUST ONE OF THE GUYS, TOOTSIE, SECRET ADMIRER, ROXANNE, HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS, TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, CHASING LIBERTY, MONTE CARLO, and JUST GO WITH IT. In this film, Joe Bradley must hide the fact that he is a journalist and pretend to be just an expatriate so as not to scare off Princess Ann. His intent is to win her confidence so he can write a soul-penetrating profile on her - which will advance his career. Instead, he falls in love with her and must choose between his ambitions and doing the right thing.

Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn have a real spark between them here. We’ve talked about chemistry before and how crucial it is to romantic comedies. In ROMAN HOLIDAY, the chemistry between Peck and Hepburn is perfect. Without it, the film would not have been the classic that it is. Another pair of actors might have fumbled the connection, but Peck and Hepburn’s interactions have a genuine sweetness and sensuality to them - with the somewhat cynical Joe touched and transformed by Ann’s open innocence and energy. Watching Ann take pleasure from mundane things like walking around unrecognized, gawking at shop windows, gobbling up gelato, eating at an outdoor café, or tooling around Rome in a scooter, is a delight. We are basically charmed along with Joe.

Eddie Albert lends nice support as Joe’s photographer friend and colleague Ivan. Peck and Albert have a brotherly chemistry that sells their characters’ relationship. Their best scene together is when they meet at the café with Ann present - and Joe keeps trying to hush Albert so he won’t recognize Ann and spill the beans that they are journalists. It’s a priceless comedic set-piece that Peck and Albert pull of hilariously. Their final farewell scene with Ann at the palace is also one to remember - coming full-circle from their first informal meeting at the café which was much more light and fun. It’s hard not get a little sad as we watch these “Three Musketeers” get broken up for good.

Another aspect of the film that comes across as almost a character in its own right is the setting itself: Rome. Seen in black-and-white, the Eternal City truly takes on an ethereal quality, making it dream-like and almost like a fairy tale. You would think that stripping away the color from the city would take away its vibrancy. If anything, the black-and-white cinematography somehow makes it even more alive. I spent three years living two hours south of Rome in Naples, and am very familiar with the city. Seeing it in this 1953 movie doesn’t seem all that different from seeing in the 21st century. I suppose that’s a testament to Rome’s timeless beauty - and ROMAN HOLIDAY showcases it wonderfully.

Ultimately, ROMAN HOLIDAY is a timeless thing of beauty, itself. Watching it again after all these years, it still has the power to charm. Some folks watching it for the first time may think it’s not that big of a deal because of all the other films that followed with the same premise. Let me respectfully remind you that, as with Alfred Hitchcock’s films and the Suspense/Thriller Genre, ROMAN HOLIDAY did it first and paved the way for the Modern Romantic Comedy. Give credit where credit is due…

In closing, a tribute to the late, great Audrey Hepburn - graced by Lifehouse’s “Crazy For This Girl”. Audrey Hepburn: the definition of “breathtaking”…

# 415 - CONTAGION (2011)

2012-01-07T13:48:00.000-08:00

CONTAGION (2011 - THRILLER / DRAMA) *** out of *****

(Time to stock up on the Purell, folks…)

CAST: Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Laurence Fishburne, Jude Law, Marion Cotillard, Jennifer Ehle, Elliott Gould, Sanaa Lathan, Monique Gabriela Curnen, Daria Stroukos, Tien Ho Yui, Josie Cho.

DIRECTOR: Steven Soderbergh

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to bathe in Purell - over and over again - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: You know how sometimes you’ll travel to someplace exotic on business or holiday, then come back with some sort of cruddy illness as a souvenir? Well, that fairly common situation goes nuclear when Minneapolis executive Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) returns from a Hong Kong trip with a virulent super-flu capable of destroying the world. And I thought coming back from Hawaii with color-treated hair inadvertently bleached to a flaming shade of red by the saltwater and sun was annoying. You’ve heard about the Bird Flu? Well, just call this one the, ahem, “Beth Flu”. Turns out the Beth Flu can be transmitted by touch, breath, or possibly even telepathy (kidding about that last part - but that would be scary, wouldn‘t it?). To make matters worse, on her way back to Minnesota, Beth (who is married to a smokin’ hot guy, by the way) has a layover in Chicago long enough to allow her have a booty call with an ex-boyfriend (stupid bitch). Which means he gets the Beth Flu, too. Which means, Chicago is pretty much fucked in addition to the state of Minnesota.

When not only Beth and her fuck buddy in Chicago both go into convulsions and croak, but also a Ukrainian model in London (Daria Stroukous) and a Hong Kong bike messenger and his sister (Tien Ho Yui, Josie Cho), it becomes clear to the authorities that they are dealing with a formidable new bug that is spreading around the world at an alarming rate (Ya fuckin‘ think?). Some of the folks who get pulled into the race to find out more about the Beth Flu are: (1) Dr. Ellis Cheever (Laurence Fishburne), nice-guy head of the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta; (2) Dr. Erin Mears (Kate Winslet), idealistic CDC field analyst who travels to Minnesota to study Beth‘s case; (3) Dr. Leonora Orantes (Marion Cotillard), cool and composed World Health Organization (WHO) field analyst who travels to Hong Kong to trace Beth‘s movements there; (4) Mitch Emhoff (Matt Damon), Beth’s aforementioned smokin’ hot regular-joe husband who seems to have a natural immunity to the virus; (5) Alan Krumweide (Jude Law), super-douchebag blogger who drums up a national panic to promote his blog’s viewership (asshole); (6) Dr. Ally Hextall (Jennifer Ehle), intense and focused CDC lab analyst who is working on a vaccine for the Beth Flu and whose own dad catches the disease; (7) Dr. Ian Sussman (Elliott Gould), spastic UC Berkley scientist who is the first to parse the bio-code of the Beth Flu; and (8) Dr. Aubrey Cheever (Sanaa Lathan), Elliot’s smokin’ hot wife in Chicago whom he tries to get to his side in Atlanta before the pandemonium breaks out.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Everyone above is trying to do their part, but the one who really gets results is (*SPOILER ALERT*) Dr. Ally Hextall. Talk about a last-minute save. Go, my girl…

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Everyone is very attractive in this movie - but this award goes to my man Matt D., who rocks that longer haircut like nobody’s business. Plus he plays a guy who is probably The World’s Best Husband. If I wasn’t already spoken for I’d totally force him to marry me.

MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Beth, the cheating tramp, going into convulsions and biting it right out of the blue. Also, the scene back in Hong Kong where we see Beth contaminating everyone at a casino by touch, breath, and telepathy (kidding again). Oh, and the scene where our valiant Dr. Erin Mears discovers that (fuck) she has the Beth Flu now, too.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Dr. Leonora Orantes being abducted and held hostage by desperate Chinese officials in exchange for being the first to get the vaccine. Damn, dudes. I guess it’s true that bad times make bad men…

HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene with Matt D. in it. Mmmmmmmmmm…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Where did the Beth Flu originate? Who gave it to her in Hong Kong? What will Leonora discover when she traces Beth’s movements in Hong Kong? What will Erin discover when she examines Beth’s remains in Minneapolis? What does Mitch’s immunity mean for creating a vaccine? How will Ally test her serum? Will she have to do it on herself to expedite things? Is she willing to make that sacrifice? What happens when the virus starts to mutate? Will the scientists be able to keep up with it? Will anyone survive? And how can the country keep a calm state of mind with that asshole Alan stoking their panic with his inflammatory blog posts? Why doesn’t the mo-fo just devote his blog to harmless and raunchy movie reviews? Ahem?

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “CONTAGION”: If you are a fan of one or more of the all-star ensemble cast. And if you like race-against-time thrillers that are reasonably suspenseful. And if you are a fan of director Steven Soderbergh.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “CONTAGION”: If you like your thrillers to revolve around a smaller group of people and told on a smaller canvas. If you don’t like trying to keep track of a large cast of characters, this may give you a headache. Also, if you are a hypochondriac, avoid this movie. Big time. Otherwise, you may never leave your house again without taking a bucket of Purell with you.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Director Steven Soderbergh’s 2000 ensemble drama TRAFFIC chronicled the problem of the international drug trade, with its insidious tentacles reaching around the globe and affecting a wide variety of characters from different walks of life and economic levels. His most recent effort, the flawed but still worthwhile CONTAGION, takes the same approach to the subject of a deadly pandemic rapidly decimating the global population.

CONTAGION’s strongest point is its cast, which includes Academy Award-Winners Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Marion Cotillard, and Kate Winslet. The acting talent on parade here is formidable, which also includes Laurence Fishburne, Jennifer Ehle, Jude Law, Elliot Gould, and Sanaa Lathan. When you have a large cast of characters, and so very little time to have them register sufficiently in the eyes, minds, and hearts of the audience, it helps considerably to have a group of skillful performers. And Soderbergh has assembled such a group.

CONTAGION starts strong, establishing the first stirrings of the disease with chilly confidence. We meet all the major players in a series of crisp and effective scenes that not only give us a clue to their personalities, but also ratchet up the tension as the disease accelerates its spread. It isn’t until the film approaches the third act that the excitement begins to wane somewhat. Not to give anything away, but instead of peaking to a crescendo, the film’s tension simply plateaus unexpectedly. Soderbergh was likely going for a more realistic rather than fantastic third act, which is commendable and appropriate given this movie‘s pseudo-documentary tone. Unfortunately, you can’t help but wonder if there was another way for him to do this without having the film’s suspense dissipate so abruptly. You can’t help but leave the theater thinking: “that’s it?” The ironic last-minute twist and final shot, despite being clever, doesn’t entirely eliminate this sense of dissatisfaction.

The cast, as expected given their pedigree, performs well. Gwyneth Paltrow is affecting in her small but pivotal role as Beth Emhoff, the woman who sets off the entire pandemic. Kate Winslet makes Erin Mears very sympathetic, especially when all of her dedicated efforts to stop the contagion just end up with her contracting it, as well. Very tragic, and Winslet makes Erin’s plight an affecting one. Marion Cotillard is also good as Leonora Orantes, the WHO analyst whose efforts, like Erin’s, are rewarded with her being endangered. Only, unlike Erin, Leonora doesn’t catch the disease, but is kidnapped by officials trying to save their remote village. Jude Law is vividly slimy as the blogger whose supreme self-interest in the middle of the chaos and despair is deplorable. I guess it’s a testament to Law’s performance that you almost hope Alan will catch the bug himself as just desserts. Laurence Fishburne and Sanaa Lathan are equally effective as the CDC couple trying to balance responsibility to the world with their own survival.

The best characters, though, are the two who form what passes for CONTAGION’s emotional center: Matt Damon’s Mitch Emhoff and Jennifer Ehle’s Dr. Ally Hextall. While their storylines never cross, Mitch and Ally’s separate threads are the film’s best. Damon does a great job of showing Mitch’s confusion and courage. This is a guy who has to not only deal with losing his wife, but also has to grapple with discovering she was unfaithful to him when she was alive. And on top of that, he has to deal with the loss of a stepson from the same disease, and the need to protect his surviving child from not only the virus but also the lawlessness and hysteria gripping the nation. Mitch’s story is the film’s spine, and it’s as sturdy as it is because of Damon’s compelling performance.

Then there’s the lovely and talented Jennifer Ehle as the film’s surprise heroine. Her Dr. Ally Hextall uncovers the vaccine to the disease - by experimenting on herself, a risky and unethical move that she only makes because the whole World is at risk and time is running out. Ally also has a nice scene with her dying father (Dan Flannery), a doctor who contracted the disease because he refused to turn away sick patients - like many irresponsible physicians did to save themselves from exposure. As a result, he got sick himself. Clearly, selflessness and sacrifice run in the Hextall family. Ehle, who is a beautiful blend of Meryl Streep and Sigourney Weaver (two of my favorite actresses), turns Ally into CONTAGION’s heroic “wild card”. Like father, like daughter.

Another reason - besides that unexpectedly weak third act (which is everything that happens after Ally’s discovery of the cure) - that this film doesn’t rate past an above average rating is because of one vital plot point that is ignored and therefore becomes a major flaw: if Mitch is immune to the disease, then why is no effort made at all to try to study him and find out what makes him so special - and generate a serum? You would think that someone who is not affected by a virus that has already killed almost 8,000,000 people around the world (and rising) would be a Godsend to the medical community. Instead, Soderbergh and writer Scott Burns attempt to dismiss this should-be-important matter by having Erin say that blood serums are “expensive and take awhile.” Even so, shouldn’t SOME attempt be made to look into Mitch’s immunity? It makes no sense to just let him go home to Minneapolis without any further scrutiny. Needless to say, a very large credibility issue. And, unfortunately, one that is enough to keep the film from a solid ***½ (good) rating.

Ultimately, CONTAGION is a decent, above average ensemble effort that might play a little better on DVD. Onscreen, you keep waiting for a payoff that never really comes. And that leaves you feeling just a little unsatisfied.

# 414 - JUST GO WITH IT (2011)

2012-01-04T21:29:00.001-08:00

JUST GO WITH IT (2011 - ROMANTIC COMEDY) ***½ out of *****

(Dude, seriously, just fucking tell her the truth already…)

CAST: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker, Bailee Madison, Nick Swardson, Michael Gluck, And A Special Surprise Cameo From A Certain A List Actress Who Looks A Lot Like Nicole Kidman Ahem.

DIRECTOR: Dennis Duggan

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to always tell the truth when trying to bag hot chicks (yeah, right) - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Playboy plastic surgeon Danny Maccabbee (Adam Sandler) has come up with a brilliant way to get hot chicks to sleep with him: wear a wedding band and pretend he’s married. Before your noggin spins round-and-round on your shoulders in confusion, allow me to explain: Danny goes to clubs with said wedding band prominently displayed on his hand, then sits around in a corner moping and crying in his Amstel Light or whatever single marauding douchebags drink. This, apparently, attracts the attentions of hot chicks who seem more than willing to listen to Danny’s fictional marital woes - and even more willing to fuck his brains out to make him feel better. No fuss, no mess, no prob. I should point out that this has only a chance in hell of working if you: (1) are as cute as Adam Sandler; (2) are as funny as Adam Sandler; or (3) are Adam Sandler. If you look like, say, Joe Pesci… well, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Sorry, Joe. Just being honest here. Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for our boy Danny. Meow.

Anyhow, Danny’s ploy backfires one day when he meets the delectable Palmer (Brooklyn Decker) - and promptly falls in love with her. Unfortunately, she inadvertently finds the prop wedding band in his jeans during a stroll on the beach - and thinks he’s a scumbag philanderer (as opposed to just a single marauding douchebag who, you know, uses a prop wedding band to con women into bed - details, details). Not wanting to lose her because he, you know, loves her, Danny tells Palmer that he’s getting a “divorce”. Palmer demands to meet his soon-to-be ex to make sure Danny is telling her the truth. Well, let’s just say the truth becomes more and more relative as this movie goes forward.

Enter Katherine (Jennifer Aniston), Danny’s long-time medical assistant and dedicated pal, who somehow agrees to play his “wife”. Unfortunately, this act of graciousness (or maybe she just wants to be a front-row witness to the inevitable train wreck) snowballs into something even more fucked-up when Katherine’s kids (Bailee Madison, Michael Gluck) get pulled into the con game, as well. Well, as far as Palmer is concerned, they are Katherine and Danny’s kids. Dan, Kat, and the kiddies now have to play “happy-but-about-to-be-divorced” family in order for Dan to successfully bag Palmer. And I thought Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds had problems in THE PROPOSAL. That was a walk in the park on a sunny summer day compared to this shit….

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Danny - when he finally decides to man up and tell the truth.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Adam and Jen, who make a surprisingly photogenic couple. Great chemistry, too…

MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: When Danny, Katherine, Palmer, and the rest of the circus go to Hawaii for “family trip” - and Katherine runs into old college nemesis Devlin (A Cameo From A Certain A-List Actress Who Looks A Lot Like Nicole Kidman Ahem). Katherine and Devlin engage in what can only be desribed as “The Most Fucked-Up Hula Dance-Off Ever”.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Katherine posing as Danny’s soon-to-be-ex - and meeting Palmer for the first time. Awkward…

HOTTEST SCENE: Katherine sashaying into the hotel to meet Palmer and Danny, looking like a million bucks - right after Danny questioned her, ahem, “hotness”. Go, Kat…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: How long can this colossally jaw-dropping deception/charade go on? Will Palmer eventually find out that Danny and Katherine are just friends and not a soon-to-be-divorced married couple? Who will blow the whistle on them? The kids? Danny’s goofy pal Eddie (Nick Swardson)? Devlin? Or someone else? Is Palmer even worth all this trouble? Or is Danny’s true soulmate the one who’s been next to him all these years: Katherine? If so, how will they realize they are perfect for each other? And how will Palmer react? Goddamn, this is giving me a headache and I’m not even in the movie. Dude, Danny, seriously… hire a hooker next time like Richard Gere did in PRETTY WOMAN. No mess, no fuss, no prob.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “JUST GO WITH IT”: If you like Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston, who make a very sexy and compatible couple in this flick. And if you like comedies where the leads make stupid decision that just snowball and snowball and snowball until they can practically snowboard down the slope of their mistakes.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “JUST GO WITH IT”: If you can’t stand Adam or Jen or comedies with romantic dilemmas that could be easily solved if the characters would just be honest with each other for five minutes.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: In past reviews, we’ve talked about that nebulous, elusive thing called “chemistry”. We’ve talked about how vital it is to movies, and how it can sometimes make, break, or even just save a film. While the right kind of chemistry between performers is important for all genres, it is especially crucial for Romantic Comedies. Think about it… in thrillers and horror films, even if you have weak chemistry between the leads, if you succeed in the thrills and suspense department, you’ve won the battle. Same with action/adventure films: as long as you deliver dazzling action that hooks the audience, lack of chemistry between the protagonists may not matter as much.

In Romantic Comedies, however, your leading players have nothing to hide behind. The success of the film rests on how compelling their connection is. If it is tepid, lukewarm, or - even worse - nonexistent, then your film is dead in the water. Think of your favorite Rom-Coms - chances are, you love them because of the chemistry between the leads, which translated into a great movie. Romantic Comedy classics and semi-classics like WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, ANNIE HALL, NOTTING HILL, PRETTY WOMAN, THE PROPOSAL, AS GOOD AS IT GETS, THE UGLY TRUTH, and ROMAN HOLIDAY soared because you could actually buy that the two people at the center of the film would be crazy about each other. Humor helps, but a fundamental belief in the viability of the core romance is a non-negotiable.

Which is very fortunate, then, that our next review, the Adam Sandler-Jennifer Aniston rom-com JUST GO WITH IT, is blessed with two stars who have a chemistry that is both snarky and sexy. Without the sparks between Aniston and Sandler, JUST GO WITH IT might have been just an average experience. With them at the wheel, though, it is an enjoyable comedy of errors (and deception) that constantly surprises - not least of which is a hilarious cameo by Nicole Kidman as an old enemy of Aniston’s who shows up at their Hawaiian vacation, further complicating an already-complicated web.
What’s also good about JUST GO WITH IT is its semi-plausible premise: a lothario who uses a wedding band to portray himself as a wronged husband to get women to engage in casual sex with him. Sandler is charming, boyish, funny, smart, and sexy enough to pull off this character‘s schtick. Danny basically matures a lot throughout the movie, and Sandler pulls that off, too. It’s one of his best performances, and you can see why both Aniston and Brooklyn Decker’s characters would be drawn to Danny.

Speaking of Aniston, she’s my third favorite Rom-Com actress after Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock. In some respects, Aniston even trumps Roberts when it comes to girl-next-door appeal. There’s a reason why she’s the most successful of the “Friends” cast. The woman never fails to put a smile on my face - and this movie is no different. Katherine is an immensely likable and witty woman, and she makes a very engaging partner-in-crime for Danny. It is also entirely plausible that Katherine would help him get out of the corner he paints himself into by making Palmer think he’s married. Again, the great chemistry between Aniston and Sandler helps make their conspiracy a very interesting one.

Brooklyn Decker is merely okay as Palmer, the girl who makes Danny re-think his lothario/playboy ways. The problem is, beyond her sunny beauty and curvy body, Palmer just isn’t that interesting of a character. You could argue that Danny, being a man, is simply dazzled by her looks and mistakes lust for love (which is a common male failing), but we as the audience have to understand why he would engage in such a huge web of lies just to keep her. And since the character of Palmer is so bland and dull, we don’t understand why. Again, it must be a physical thing. But even that doesn’t hold much water, because Katherine is just as stunning as Palmer is - and far more intelligent and intriguing of a character. Indeed, in the later part of the movie, when Adam slowly starts to realize that it is the smart and sarcastic Katherine that he’s loved all this time, the movie becomes stronger.

The rest of the cast is just as good as Sandler and Aniston. Nick Swardson is a goofy delight as Danny’s pal Eddie, who also joins in the charade - and pays for it in a hilarious scene involving a choking sheep. You’ll see. Katherine’s kids are played with sweet charm by Bailee Madison and Michael Gluck, and have a couple of funny moments involving Danny pretending to be a loving dad to them - that is, only when Palmer is watching. Then there’s Nicole Kidman as Devlin, the girl from Katherine’s past who throws a monkey wrench in the whole affair. It’s very rare that Kidman gets to flex her comedic muscles, and she does so wonderfully here - especially in the Hula Showdown with Katherine. Again, you’ll see…

Ultimately, JUST GO WITH IT further proves what we’ve always said: if you have the right stars with the perfect chemistry in a romantic comedy, then you’ve already won.

In closing, please revel in Party Ben’s awesome mash-up of General Public’s “Tenderness” and Rihanna’s “Umbrella” which he calls “Tender Umbrella”. This cheerful and sexy song plays over JUST GO WITH IT’s trailer and over the scenes of Katherine’s makeover in the actual movie. Great music to dance to first thing in the morning with that special someone.

# 413 - MONTE CARLO (2011)

2012-01-03T23:08:00.001-08:00

MONTE CARLO (2011 - ROMANTIC COMEDY) **** out of *****

(Sign. Me. Up.)

CAST: Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester, Katie Cassidy, Cory Monteith, Luke Bracey, Pierre Boulanger, Catherine Tate, Andie MacDowell, Brett Cullen.

DIRECTOR: Thomas Bezucha

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some tempting reasons to travel to Monte Carlo with your girl posse (or fag hags) and impersonate an heiress - straight ahead

IT’S LIKE THIS: Grace (Selena Gomez) is determined to make her summer after high school graduation a special one. Indeed, she can’t wait to put her Honky-Tonk Texas town in her rearview and live it up in Paris (“Paris, France” not “Paris, Texas“) with older twentysomething gal pal Emma (Katie Cassidy). Basically, they’ve been saving up forever for this trip, working hard as waitresses at the local eatery. Unfortunately, at the last minute, Grace’s worry-wart parents (Brett Cullen and Andie MacDowell) send Grace’s uptight older stepsister Meg (Leighton Meester) along as a chaperone - which Meg isn’t crazy about since she gets along with Emma and Grace the way a cat gets along with a mouse. To make matters worse, Grace, Emma, and Meg arrive in the City of Light to discover that they are on the worse tour package of Paris ever: shitty hotels, crowded bus, rushed itinerary, impatient tour guide. So far, looks like Grace’s summer vacay is going to suck donkey balls.

Then, quite unexpectedly (really quite unexpectedly), Grace and her two flunkies wander into a ritzy hotel - where Grace is mistaken for a super-biyatch British heiress named Cordelia Winthrop Scott. And in a turn of events so fantastic it makes ROMAN HOLIDAY look like a gritty documentary, Grace ends up traveling to Monte Carlo as Cordelia - with Emma and Meg in tow as, I guess, her ladies-in-waiting or whatever. Before you know it, our lovely threesome is living the high life as faux-celebrities on the French Riviera. Let’s hope it lasts…

Good girl

Snotty girl

Before

After

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Our three heroines, who end up having each other’s backs. Girl Power!

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Selena Gomez is actually pushing 20, but still looks 14, so as lovely as she is, this award goes to twentysomethings Katie Cassidy and Leighton Meester (both of whom I’ve always liked). In the guy department, we have Russell Crowe/Edward Norton/Paul Walker hybrid Luke Bracey as Meg’s Aussie love interest Riley, and French hottie Pierre Boulanger as Grace’s new man Theo.

MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Emma demonstrating her “knowledge” of French - to Meg and Grace’s utter horror. Shit, even I speak better French. And that is saying something - because I sound like Inspector Clouseau on helium.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Grace having to pretend to be Cordelia in front of Cordelia’s Aunt Alicia (Catherine Tate). And also, our girls rushing down the Eiffel Tower to catch their crappy bus tour before it leaves them behind. In either case: awkward.

HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene between Riley and Meg. These two are dynamite. Love ‘em…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Can Grace continue to get away with pretending to be Cordelia? Or will the press, Aunt Alicia, or Theo eventually catch on? Will Meg and Grace ever accept each other as sisters? Will Meg and Emma ever bury the hatchet and get along? Will Riley help loosen Meg up? What about Emma’s boyfriend Owen back in Texas? What happens when he follows the gals all the way to Monte Carlo? Will he blow their cover sky-high? What about Cordelia herself? Will she ever realize that a humble Texan lookalike is impersonating her - and unleash some chic and elegant whoop-ass? We shall see. But as they say: “Don’t Mess With Texas!”

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “MONTE CARLO”: If you like charming, well-made romantic comedies about Americans overseas getting into all sorts of shenanigans, that are seriously elevated by the energy and chemistry of its stars. And if you adore Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester, and Katie Cassidy…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “MONTE CARLO”: If watching young women have fun, fall in love, and learn some valid life lessons in the middle of a beautiful foreign city is not your bag. In which case, take a hike…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: I may get some flak from some quarters for rating MONTE CARLO so high. Indeed, most critics seem to dismiss this film as nothing more than escapist fluff. Well, frankly, it’s not any more or less escapist or fluffy than our last review PRETTY WOMAN - which is widely considered to be a classic. Like it, MONTE CARLO is an enjoyable and diverting romantic comedy that has more depth and intelligence that most folks give it credit for. In essence, it’s the same Cinderella story that PRETTY WOMAN and other classics like ROMAN HOLIDAY and THE PRINCESS DIARIES have used.

Originally meant to be a vehicle for Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts, MONTE CARLO began life as an adaptation of Jules Bass’ novel “Headhunters”. It was about four American women who travel to Monte Carlo to find rich husbands - by pretending to be rich heiresses themselves. Now, I haven’t read the book, but I am not too keen on the idea of four women lying and manipulating just to bag wealthy men. It seems like it would undermine sympathy for them - and send the wrong message about female empowerment. Maybe this is tackled well in the novel, I don’t know.

Fortunately, the studio decided to make the film with a younger cast, and turned it into a vehicle for Disney star Selena Gomez. The number of leads was changed from four to three, and were all made younger. Most importantly, they also became more innocent and far less calculating. In essence, Grace, Emma, and Meg are just like any other trio of twentysomething tourists - they just want to have fun. Unfortunately, their Paris trip goes wrong from the word “go” - which disappoints Grace because she’s been looking forward to it for years. So when the opportunity arises to salvage it by pretending (for a short time, anyway) to be her rich lookalike Cordelia, she jumps on it. Of course, everything snowballs from there - but because Grace, Emma, and Meg have been so well-drawn, we’re committed to their fates.

That’s the main reason that MONTE CARLO rates very good in my book - the characters. Each and everyone of them is painted in interesting, sometimes contradictory shades. Selena Gomez proves worthy of being the star of her own film. She has a quiet strength and dignity - especially in the Texas scenes before they leave for Europe. Gomez ably suggests Grace’s hunger for experience and adventure - symbolized by her long-planned for trip to Paris. And later, when she is neck-deep in the charade of being Cordelia, she is motivated to continue it because of the charitable donations she as Cordelia will attract. Essentially, Grace is believably tempestuous but also believably noble - and Gomez handles the dichotomy well. She is also a nice match for Pierre Boulanger as Theo, the French philanthropist who thinks she is Cordelia - but is charmed by the Texan gal underneath. It should also be mentioned that Gomez does well pulling double-duty as Cordelia, the icier-than-ice British aristocrat whom Grace resembles.

Katie Cassidy is a sheer delight as the “goodtime gal” Emma, who is both Grace’s best friend and mentor. I’m willing to bet that in the “Headhunters” version of the MONTE CARLO script, Emma was probably the most aggressive of the gold-digging quartet - the ringleader. Here, she is much more innocent and naïve. She’s loyal to her boyfriend Owen back in Texas, but just wants to have a ball in MONTE CARLO while she’s there. Who can blame her? Cassidy brings an irresistible sparkle to the role, but also some unexpected gravity - especially in a nice heart-to-heart scene with Grace where Emma assures her of her promise. Basically, Emma is the best friend that every gal should have: fun, smart, real, and loyal. Cassidy does wonders with the role, and she also meshes well with Corey Monteith as Owen, the boy back in Texas she can’t forget. Their reunion scene late in the film is quietly moving.

I’m equally enamored of Leighton Meester. Prior to this film, I’d only caught glimpses of Meester in a couple of episodes of the TV show “Gossip Girl” while visiting some friends - but that was enough to know she is a talent to be reckoned with. She brought a delicious bite to her complex role of Blair Waldorf. In MONTE CARLO, she is much more vulnerable, open, and relatable. Meg is probably the film’s best-drawn character, and Meester runs with her, infusing the role with a whole gallery of non-verbals and gestures that are simply charming to watch. Initially uptight and almost standoffish, Meg is obviously going to be “melted” by her encounters with the free-spirited and adventurous Riley. What’s great about Meester, though, is how skillfully she plays this arc by making it a lot less predictable and far more quirky than you’d expect. There’s a genuine pleasure to watching Meg embrace life and adventure because of Riley’s influence. They are the best couple in this film - and their scenes together, the most memorable. And I firmly believe that Meester could be the next “Julia Roberts” if she wants to. She’s that special.

Catherine Tate, Andie MacDowell, and Brett Cullen are fine as the older characters on the sidelines. Tate, in particular, is quite good as Cordelia’s increasingly suspicious Aunt Alicia. As with the other characters, Alicia has layers to her that are revealed as MONTE CARLO goes forward, and her role in the climactic auction is a nice surprise. Tate, MacDowell, and Cullen bring the same energy to their roles as the younger cast members do - and all that positive buzz goes a long way in making MONTE CARLO an enjoyable experience.

In the end, though, this movie works as well as it does primarily because of strong performances from Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester, and Katie Cassidy. Their sisterly chemistry and cheerful energy is so contagious, you can’t help but have a good time right along with them. They make a great trio of heroines to spend a couple of hours cruising around MONTE CARLO with…

# 412 - PRETTY WOMAN (1990)

2012-01-03T18:35:00.001-08:00

PRETTY WOMAN (1990 - ROMANTIC COMEDY) **** out of *****

(Prostitution: it‘s not just a job, it‘s an adventure - enlist now and get a signing bonus and free bitch-slap from your pimp…)

CAST: Richard Gere, Julia Roberts, Jason Alexander, Hector Elizondo, Laura San Giacomo, Alex Hyde-White, Ralph Bellamy, Amy Yasbeck.

DIRECTOR: Garry Marshall

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some tempting reasons to become a hooker - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: In what has got to be one of the more bizarre hooker-oriented turn-of-events since the whole Heidi Fleiss kerfluffle, heartless NYC business tycoon Edward Lewis (Richard Gere), who’s in L.A. for a week to close a big deal, has a chance encounter with so-smoking-and-sweet-she-can-only-exist-in-the-movies street walker Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts). What starts out as Vivian guiding the driving-impaired Edward back to his chi-chi Beverly Hills hotel turns into a one-night-rental of her services (no kissing, but blowjobs galore) - which eventually turns into another business deal: Edward will pay Vivian $3,000 to be his, ahem, companion for the week. It’s a fairly cut and dried arrangement - just straight up sex and money, no falling in love. And when the week is over, it’s bye-bye forever.

And if you believe things are actually going to shake down they way Edward and Vivian agreed, then you obviously don’t know your way around Romantic Comedy Land. Be wary of any love affair/relationship that starts on Hollywood Boulevard at night…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Barney Thompson (Hector Elizondo), the seemingly cold but actually pretty awesome manager of the hotel. He helps our heroine be, well, less of a graceless whore and more of a gracious lady by… telling her where to shop, how to use fine dining silverware, and giving her a limo ride whenever she needs it. As Viv says about him later, he’s one “cool dude.”

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: As with Harrison Ford, I can’t look upon Richard Gere in an Eye Candy way because of, shall we say, a “family resemblance”. But paired up with Julia Roberts, it goes over a little better.

MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Viv walking innocently into a Rodeo Drive boutique in all her micro-minied, thigh-high booted, big-haired hooker glory - and getting treated like shit by the snooty shopgirls. That’s not the hilarious part, though. It’s actually kind of sad. Nope, the hilarious part is when Viv shows up the next day looking like The First Lady Of Beverly Hills - and proceeds to rub those snobby bitches’ faces into the fact that they are about to lose a gigantic commission. Take that, hussies…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Edward presenting some serious bling to Vivian - then snapping the box shut on her purdy little fingers. This was not scripted, but a spontaneous act on Gere’s part. Roberts’ lovely surprised reaction is completely natural, folks. Director Gary Marshall loved it so much he kept in the final cut.

HOTTEST SCENE: Edward and Vivian chillin’ in the park, while he reads Shakespeare to her - as she gazes adoringly at him. It’s a fact: poetry is some potent foreplay. I should know. Ahem. Especially if it's Arrigo Boito's...

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Do Edward and Vivian have a relationship beyond that one week? Can a cold-hearted business tycoon and a big-hearted Hollywood hooker actually have a real relationship? Or should they just enjoy it while it lasts? What happens when Edward’s sleazy lawyer Stuckey gets wind of the fact that Vivian is, ahem, a “Lady of the NIght”? Will he call Edward on it? Or will he do something even worse like - ewwww - proposition Vivian with his own offer? Can there be a Happy Ending for our lovebirds? I mean, other than the one Vivian gives Edward every night? Ahem?

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “PRETTY WOMAN”: If you love sweet, if also highly improbable, romantic comedies about people from very different walks of life who come together (literally and figuratively) and live happily ever after. Or, at least, until the sequel.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “PRETTY WOMAN”: If you think there’s a greater chance of Russell Crowe and I marrying and opening a cattle ranch in Colorado than a powerful tycoon and sweet whore ever hooking up for real.

But I digress…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Many quarters consider PRETTY WOMAN to be a modern comedy classic, and I would hardly argue with them. Despite its highly improbable premise, the movie has an authentic sweetness to it and genuine spirit of romance that is completely sold by stars Julia Roberts and Richard Gere - as well-matched a duo as you could ever find. What most folks don’t know, though, is PRETTY WOMAN’s interesting genesis from script to screen. The original draft of the screenplay was simply titled “3,000” (the amount of money Edward pays Vivian for spending the week with him), and was much, much, much darker. In fact, it could hardly be labeled a “Romantic Comedy” as we know the genre. If anything, it was more of very, very black comedy with a dreary, downbeat tone.

Just to give you an idea of the difference between 3,000 and the final version called PRETTY WOMAN, Vivian was a habitual drug user in the former and was clean in the latter. Also, Edward never really thawed like he did in the actual movie. He treated Vivian like a possession and wasn’t as protective as he was in the final product. Also, there is no happy ending in 3,000. Instead, Edward throws Vivian out of the limo in an alley (no joke) and throws her payment in the air - and she has to desperately scramble to gather the bills. And the final shot in the original script was Vivian and Kit (played in the movie by Laura San Giacomo) going to Disneyland on a bus, with Vivian looking sad and defeated. Needless to say, not the PRETTY WOMAN we know and love.

I don’t know at what point director Garry Marshall, writer J.F. Lawton, and the producers eventually decided to “lighten” up the script and turn it into the unlikely but enjoyable fairy tale that we all saw- but I’m just glad they did. While the original story was a fairly realistic depiction of the complex “relationship” between a heartless businessman and a troubled prostitute, it’s not the kind of film that would give anyone any warm fuzzies. I’m not ashamed to say that I love PRETTY WOMAN in its final form, despite its sometimes implausible turns of plot.

Make no misake, though: PRETTY WOMAN could have still failed with the wrong stars. Had the film starred anyone other than Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, this might have been nothing more than a passable time-killer. With them in the the lead roles, however, it becomes something much more. Gere and Roberts have an electric chemistry that keeps us leaning forward with interest as Edward and Vivian’s relationship develops. I’ve always said that you can tell a screen couple has great chemistry when you can’t wait to see them onscreen together. When one person disappears from the scene, you pretty much count the minutes until they are reunited with the other person. Gere and Roberts have that kind of connection here.

This is the movie that made Julia Roberts a mega-star. Prior to PRETTY WOMAN, she had starred in the forgettable girl-band flick SATISFACTION with Liam Neeson and Justine Bateman, then got more favorable attention in the popular dramedy STEEL MAGNOLIAS with Sally Field. But it is here where Roberts truly delivers a star-making performance. She’s a fascinating blend of nervous anxiety, earthy toughness, and wide-eyed humor. She makes Vivian into a very human figure and practically sells the character single-handedly. My favorite sequence in the movie is one that often goes unnoticed: the breakfast scene between Edward and Vivian the morning after their first encounter where she is so openly dazzled and intimidated by this powerful businessman. There’s a part where she finds out that he just sold a company for a billion dollars and responds: “ Your parents must be so proud of you, huh?” Roberts delivers the line with such gee-whiz innocence and sweetness that instantly paints Vivian in more distinct shades than your typical “hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold” cliché.

Then there’s Gere, who sidesteps his tendency to sometimes come across as self-impressed and overly cocky. Here, he’s still got the swagger he is known for - but he tempers it with unexpected doses of humility, humor, and uncertainty. There are some points where he is almost shy and tentative - like a little schoolboy. The overall impression I get of Edward is a guy who is forever trying to hide his humanity behind an ice-cold façade. After all, you have to be ruthless to survive in the highly-competitive world of international business, right? His unexpected connection to Vivian proves that this isn’t always the case. Edward’s decision to do the right thing concerning a deal with business rival James Morse (Ralph Bellamy) is the crowning point of his character arc - and ends with Edward finding a beloved father figure in James.

Hector Elizondo, Laura San Giacomo, and Jason Alexander round out the supporting cast quite nicely. Elizondo’s character of Barney Thompson is a major delight - and watching him eventually develop a sort of “Father-Daughter” relationship with Vivian is a satisfying thread that echoes the Edward-James connection. One of PRETTY WOMAN’s best scenes sees Barney coaching Vivian on how to navigate the complexities of fine-dining etiquette. San Giacomo makes the most of her small but important role as Vivian’s best friend Kit, even giving her something of a character arc of her own. The last shot of Kit promises better things for her future. Which is more than can be said for the smarmy attorney Stuckey played by Jason Alexander. He’s the true corporate shark of the movie, not Edward, and he gets his just desserts for his selfishness.

All in all, PRETTY WOMAN’s success was like catching lightning in a bottle. Even with its welcome change in tone and story from the original script, it still could’ve failed with the wrong leads up front. Fortunately, Richard Gere and Julia Roberts were lightning in a bottle themselves, along with a strong supporting cast, giving us one of the most-loved comedy classics of 20th century.

In closing, a tribute to the late, great Roy Orbison’s classic song - and the classic movie it graces:

And Roxette’s lovely and sad “It Must Have Been Love” and their more upbeat "I Could Never Give You Up"...

# 411 - THE WAY (2011)

2012-01-03T02:12:00.000-08:00

THE WAY (2011 - COMEDY / DRAMA) ***** out of *****

(Better make sure those hiking boots hold up, folks…)

CAST: Martin Sheen, Deborah Kara Unger, Yorick Van Wageningen, James Nesbitt, Tcheky Karyo, Emilio Estevez.

DIRECTOR: Emilio Estevez

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some utterly compelling reasons to walk the “Camino De Santiago” - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Southern California physician Tom Avery (Martin Sheen) one day gets the phone call every parent dreads: his free-spirited son Daniel (Emilio Estevez), whom Tom last saw at LAX before Daniel flew off to Spain on holiday, has been killed in a freak storm that hit the path he was hiking on, without warning. Numb, Tom flies to Spain to collect Daniel’s body and discovers, quite unexpectedly, the rich history of the path that Daniel was hiking on. It is called the “Camino De Santiago” and winds through over 800 kilometers along the coast of Spain to Santiago De Compostela. Apparently, pilgrims and other lost souls have walked this path for over a thousand years, trying to find greater meaning to their lives - and Daniel died just as he was starting to do it. Heartbroken, Tom takes his son’s ashes - and decides to walk the path himself, in an effort to get closer to the memory of his son.

Along the way, he meets the following fellow travelers, one after the other: (1) Joost (Yorick Van Wageningen), a super-extroverted Dutch dude who could make friends with a rabid Doberman and is walking the path to lose weight; (2) Sarah (Deborah Kara Unger), a cynical Canadian who says she is walking the path to “quit smoking”; and (3) Jack (James Nesbitt), an Irish travel writer who never met a pocket of silence that he didn’t mind filling with his constant babbling and is walking the path because, well, he‘s a travel writer and needs something to write about. Together, these four negotiate their way through 800 kilometers of Spanish villages, crappy hostels, scary innkeepers, awesome scenery, and - yes - foot blisters. Bickering the whole way. All just to reach the near-legendary cathedral called Santiago De Compostela where, presumably, the meaning and wisdom they desperately need awaits them…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Tom, Sarah, Joost, and Jack form an unexpected, tight-knit family - and are there for each other, despite appearances (all that bickering) to the contrary. Awwwwwwww….

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: I know I’m one sick bitch, but I kind of like Yorick Van Wageningen as Joost, despite all that poundage. There’s just something so awesome about a guy who is comfortable with his flaws, loves food, and is funny as hell…

MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: When Tom finds the spot where Daniel died - and pays tribute. And when he almost loses Daniel’s ashes while passing by a river. James T, pass me a tissue…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: When Sarah, Joost, and Jack circle back to join Tom - after telling him they couldn’t finish the walk with him. Seriously, all this tearing up is ruining my Ice Princess image…

HOTTEST SCENE: This ain’t that kind of flick, but if we’re talking “Sweetest Scene” it’s pretty much any scene where our four heroes bond as a “family.” Love these guys.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Tom find the healing he needs when he reaches the end of the path? What about Sarah? What secret heartbreak is she trying to recover from? Will she trust Tom and share it with him? What about Jack? Will all that walking finally wear him down enough for him to shut the hell up for more than five seconds? What about Joost? Will all this walking slim him down? I hope so - because this is what he looks like when he isn’t tubby:

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE WAY”: If you love films about family, friendship, healing, spirituality, fathers, sons, and - yes - beautiful scenery. If so, this is your movie…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE WAY”: If you can’t stand films about family, friendship, healing, spirituality, fathers, sons, and beautiful scenery. If so, go see COWBOY AND ALIENS, instead…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: It’s interesting how some of the movies that end up becoming your favorites are sometimes the ones that sneak up on you, without warning. When I was in college back in Michigan, I stumbled across a little movie called HAWKS (review # 120) starring Timothy Dalton that I’d never heard of. Upon watching it, it won an instant place in my heart. Same thing with the recent Terence Malick/Brad Pitt collaboration THE TREE OF LIFE (review # 366). The trailers indicated something that would be, at the very least, quite interesting (it is a Terence Malick film, after all). But I was unprepared for how much the movie would ultimately affect me. Then there’s SUNSHINE (review # 407) and DÉJÀ VU (review # 379), which their trailers promised would be entertaining thrill rides but probably not much more - but ended up being distinctive and unforgettable entries into their respective genres. And now, THE WAY joins their hallowed ranks…

I had heard virtually nothing about THE WAY when a friend invited me to the movies one day last fall. She’d heard great things about it, and was keen on finding out if the praise was deserved. Honestly, I wanted to see CONTAGION or CAPTAIN AMERICA (yet another time), but wanting to be a gracious friend and always ready to try something new, I agreed. Let’s just say I’m forever grateful to her for introducing me to this wonderful film. Someone once said to me that the mark of a great film is that you are never quite the same after seeing it. In short, it teaches you something about the human condition and can actually inspire people and change them. Or as Chris Evans once said, what he loves the most about film is its ability to “make you feel” and how it can “change people’s lives”. THE WAY, put simply, really makes you feel - and may even change your life. Or at least remind you of what it should be about - and what truly matters.

This movie is a labor of love by the Estevez/Sheen family. Emilio wrote/directed it based on his own son Taylor’s experiences traveling the famed Camino De Santiago path in Spain with grandfather Martin, and both Emilio and Martin share screentime as father and son. It’s entirely apt that THE WAY would be a family affair, since one of its messages is that family - whether one of relatives or one of friends - is the most important thing in life. One of THE WAY’s taglines is “Life is too big to walk it alone” - and it’s very true. Life was meant to be shared.

The arc that Tom Avery travels is one that goes from being closed-off to being completely open - the way his son was. There’s a crucial scene at the beginning of THE WAY (glimpsed in the trailer) where Tom takes Daniel to the airport - and Daniel asks him to come walk the path with him. Tom flatly refuses, to Daniel‘s disappointment. Between this scene and the final shot of Tom at the end, is his journey of self-discovery. Suffice it to say, that last image of him is a stark difference from the standoffish man we meet at the beginning, and Sheen gracefully charts Tom’s transformation.

Sheen is aided greatly by a stellar supporting cast. Yorick Van Wageningen is a breath of fresh air as the “Heart of Solid Gold” Joost, whose first instinct is always compassion and kindness - which, naturally, Tom continually resists until he no longer can. Deborah Kara Unger’s Sarah is closer in nature to Tom - like him, she is emotionally-wounded and hides behind an icy facade, but she’s also brave enough to eventually reach out to him when she finds out about his son’s death. Unger has always been a striking screen presence in thrillers like WHISPERS IN THE DARK and THE GAME, and it’s nice to see her grace a more mellow film like this one with her beauty, intelligence, and talent. Then there’s James Nesbitt, who is perfect as the loquacious Jack, who also clashes (at first) with Tom - but more because he reminds Tom of Daniel’s combination of “smart, confident, and stubborn.”

Indeed, Daniel’s presence hangs over the journey even after his death. Whether in dreams or visions along the path, or through similar people like Jack, the memory of Daniel continually haunts Tom. In a way, Daniel is the fifth member of this “ traveling family.” The box of ashes that Tom carries with him symbolizes Daniel’s participation. Ultimately, while THE WAY is indeed about four strangers coming together as a healing community, it is primarily a love story between a father and son. How one generation learns from the experiences of the other - even after death. And how one changes the other, which is a timeless concept.

A friend once told me about a road trip he took with his father when they were both much younger. During one of their conversations while driving, he asked his father why it wasn’t possible for him to learn from his father’s experiences - automatically. Why wasn’t there a way for him, as a young man, to automatically avoid the mistakes the older man made - without being told? Why couldn’t we evolve already armed with the wisdom of the previous generation? In short - why couldn’t we have the same type of evolution, emotionally, that we already have, biologically? Why is a human being from 1812, similar in emotion to a human being from 1912 and 2012?

I never told him this, but my theory is that if we could evolve emotionally, automatically, then we would not have anything to learn from one another - nor have a reason to help each other. We would have nothing to save each other from, or anything to take away from our experiences together. Whether father and son, mother and daughter, sibling and sibling, lover and lover, friend and friend. Or just human and human. Maybe the greatest gift that we can give each other is enlightenment, understanding, and assistance. Maybe our inability as a species to evolve emotionally is actually a way to keep us connected - and continually learning from each other, and helping one another. Which is what THE WAY is, in the end, all about: friends learning from friends, fathers learning from sons, sons learning from fathers - and everyone helping. If we were perfect emotional machines, we wouldn’t need anyone else. Or each other.

I had originally planned to save THE WAY for the Valentine’s 2012 line-up as an example of a “Father-Son“ love story. But I thought it best to get the review out there now, while it is still showing in some theaters across the country in limited release. With a little luck, you’ll get to see it on the big screen with a theater audience - and hopefully be just a little changed by it. I dedicate this review to my own Dad, who’s always been there for me - and never fails to remind me of what really matters. This also goes out to all the fathers and sons out there, especially if you’ve been on a journey together - or are about to embark on one. Don’t lose your way…

In closing, the lovely “Lost” from Coldplay, which is featured both in THE WAY’s trailer and the film itself…

# 410 - COWBOYS AND ALIENS (2011)

2012-01-02T17:17:00.001-08:00

COWBOYS AND ALIENS (2011 - ACTION / WESTERN / SCI-FI) ***1/2 out of *****

(And those honky-tonk crackaz thought the Indians were a headache…)

CAST: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Olivia Wilde, Sam Rockwell, Adam Beach, Paul Dano, Keith Carradine, Clayton Brown, Abigail Spencer, Ana De La Reguera.

DIRECTOR: Jon Favreau

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a some utterly unforeseen adversaries out of left field - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: In a hilarious twist sure to have Pocahontas and her homeys laughing their asses off around a campfire somewhere, the cowpoke citizens of a small desert town in 1873 Arizona find themselves contending with a foe even more formidable than a bunch of Native Americans wielding bows and arrows: space men from (duh) outer space, who have a bunch of really fast spaceships and really sharp lasers. And these freaks like to yank the townspeople up into their ships with high-tech lassos or some crap in a sort of Western take on alien abduction. In other words: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Embroiled in this unlikeliest of brouhahas are the following peeps: (1) Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig), brooding criminal who wakes up in the middle of the desert with an “alien bracelet” inexplicably attached to him; (2) Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), more-than-meets-the-eye land baron who roars like a lion but is really a pussy cat inside; (3) Ella Swenson (Olivia Wilde), mucho caliente barmaid who seems to know more than she is telling; (3) Doc (Sam Rockwell), town doctor (duh) who is so earnest and decent you just want to tie him to a bed and corrupt him (or is it just me?); (4) Percy Dolarhyde (Paul Dano), Woodrow’s prick son who thinks the fact he’s the kid of the richest dude this side of Tijuana gives him the right to act a colossal fool in public; (5) Sheriff Taggart (Keith Carradine), town lawman who’s ill-prepared (to say the fucking least) against this new kind of enemy; (6) Nat Colorado (Adam Beach), Woodrow’s flunky who is also a Native American (did you see that one coming?); and (7) Emmett Taggart (Noah Ringer), Sheriff Taggart’s son whom Woodrow mentors.

There are tons and tons more townfolk who get pulled into the fray, but the above seven are the main ones to track. Anyhow, Jake and Woodrow have no choice but to team up and track down all the aliens to their hiding place in the desert, before all the townspeople who got abducted get the Eric Cartman treatment. Two words: Anal. Probe. (Ouch)

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Jake and Woodrow - with a nice, last-minute pass/assist from Ella that leads to a climactic GOAL!

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: We’ve talked about the Harrison Ford Conundrum before. And Olivia Wilde is fairly nuclear. But this award goes to James Bond. And, yes, I know these aren’t pictures from the movie. Indulge me…

MOST INTENTIONALLY DYNAMIC SCENE: Jake waking up at the beginning of the movie with that mysterious alien bracelet. Then having to fight off five jackasses with his bare hands. James Bond much, Jake?

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY DYNAMIC SCENE: Woodrow showing his gentle side and sharing some wisdom with Emmett around the campfire. Awwwwwwwww….

HOTTEST SCENE: Ella “waking up” around the campfire and basically flashing everyone…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So what the fuck is going on here? Why do the aliens want to start their invasion with the easiest target in the world? Shouldn’t they, you know, go for New York or San Francisco or Boston first? Are these the dumbest aliens in the Universe or something? If so, will Jake, Woodrow, Ella, and co. trounce them? Or do the aliens have some sort of “wild card” up their sleeve? If so, what is it? For that matter, do the humans have their own “wild card”? And what secret powers does this person have? Who will win this thoroughly mismatched confrontation? The cowboys? The indians? Or the Freakazoids From The Crab Nebula? Place your bets…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “COWBOYS AND ALIENS”: If you are intrigued by the novel and fairly fresh idea of cowboys squaring off against creatures from outer space. And if you like Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Olivia Wilde, or director Jon Favreau.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “COWBOYS AND ALIENS”: If you think the premise of cowboys squaring off against creatures from outer space to be fairly ridiculous. If so, go elsewhere…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: When I first heard that IRON MAN director Jon Favreau’s next project was going to be about an unlikely battle between cowboys and aliens called… COWBOYS AND ALIENS… my first reaction was that it was a brilliant idea for a comedy - especially one starring Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford, who are both known for more serious roles. It wasn’t until the trailers came out close to its release last summer that I finally realized COWBOYS AND ALIENS was actually going to be a serious action/sci-fi/thriller - and not the wacky comedy I originally though it would be. Imagine my surprise. It was at that point that I started to wonder if the movie would be any good. After all, how seriously can you take a premise that wild? When we saw it in the theatres upon its release, we found exactly how.

Put simply, Favreau and his pack have lived up to the promise of the preview: COWBOYS AND ALIENS plays like a straight-forward action/sci-fi/thriller - just one that involves cowboys duking it out with aliens. The good news is it pretty much succeeds, and doesn’t become the ridiculous train wreck I feared it would be if it wasn’t played as a comedy. This is due mainly to the potent talent of Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, and raft of solid supporting players led by Olivia Wilde, Sam Rockwell, and Adam Beach. Had lesser talented folks been cast in their roles, it might’ve been a different - and more grim - story.

Daniel Craig is ideal to play the brooding anti-hero Jake Lonergan, whose loyalties we are not entirely sure of until we’re well into the movie. As with his star-making role of James Bond in CASINO ROYALE and QUANTUM OF SOLACE, Craig brings the right mix of sexy ambiguity and ruthless intensity to his character that keep us on our toes for most of the movie. Harrison Ford is a compatible foil for Craig as the equally-complex land baron Woodrow Dolarhyde who is not as terrible as everyone makes him out to be. Ford expertly reveals the hidden levels of kindness and decency under this man’s fearsome façade. The best scene in the entire film is one wherein Woodrow, whose own son has been taken by the aliens, both comforts and chastises Emmett (Noah Ringer), the young son of the abducted Sheriff. It’s a great “Tough Love” scene that Ford and Ringer play wonderfully - and helps give COWBOYS AND ALIENS some unexpected depth along with the rest of their storyline.

Olivia Wilde is good as the mysterious Elle - who has secrets of her own that gradually reveal themselves at the story goes on. So is Sam Rockwell as the good-hearted town doctor who gets caught up like everyone else. Paul Dano also gives a nuanced turn as Woodrow’s volatile son, revealing the frightened boy under the manly bluster. And then there's Adam Beach as Woodrow’s loyal Indian sidekick Nat Colorado - whom Woodrow may love more than his own son. They are the standouts of the supporting cast, which also includes Clayton Brown, Keith Carradine, and Buck Taylor in solid turns.

Ultimately, I still think that COWBOYS AND ALIENS could’ve used a lighter touch and more humor. As it is, though, it is an entertaining ride that takes an unconventional premise and thrills us with it, while also hitting some unexpectedly serious notes. All in all, a good film.

# 409 - RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011)

2012-01-02T13:33:00.001-08:00

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011 - ACTION / THRILLER / SCI-FI) ****1/2 out of *****

(This town is going to the monkeys - literally…)

CAST: James Franco, Frieda Pinto, John Lithgow, Brian Cox, Tom Felton, David Oyelowo.

DIRECTOR: Rupert Wyatt

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a whole legion of out-of-control chimps - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: In this prequel/origins tale to the Charlton Heston classic cheesefest and its even more Velveeta-plagued sequels, we find ourselves in modern-day San Francisco, where uber-hottie scientist Will Rodman (James Franco) is trying to find a way to cure Alzheimer’s and other degenerative brain diseases. Probably having seen DEEP BLUE SEA and noting how its equally-hot heroine Dr. Susan McAlester (Saffron Burrows) extracted Alzheimer’s-busting proteins from the brains of Mako sharks, Will unwisely follows her lead and starts experimenting with… monkeys. Probably thinking they’re a lot less dangerous than sharks. Oh, how wrong you are, Willie boy...

Anyhow, Will tests the serum on one particular chimp called Caesar, whom he raises like a son at home with smoking hot girlfriend Caroline Aranha (Frieda Pinto), a veterinarian. In case you’re wondering why Will is so driven to cure Alzheimer’s, just like with Dr. Susie from DEEP BLUE SEA, he has a relative who has the disease: his father Charles (John Lithgow) - and Caesar just might be the key. Unfortunately, Caesar loses his temper one day and beats the shit out of a douchebag neighbor who seriously deserves it - and its off to Animal Control Shelter for him. Locked up with other apes who are less gifted than him, and cut off from his loving owner Will, Caesar starts to become angry and embittered. And let’s just say there is nothing more dangerous than a pissed-off gorilla with an IQ of 5,000. Watch out...

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Will and his gal Caroline. It’s the least they can do for starting this shit in the first place.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: James Franco and Frieda Pinto - all the way. Just imagine how gorgeous their kids would be…

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Caesar and his comrades overrunning the Bay Bridge. And you thought traffic was the worst thing you had to worry about in Frisco…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Dodge (Tom Felton) the sadistic zookeeper, about to get a serious beatdown from Caesar and his homeys…

HOTTEST SCENE: Well, maybe not “hottest scene”, but more like “most touching scene”: Caesar and Will reuniting at the end - then saying their final farewells. Sniffle…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Is our hero Will ever going to cure Alzheimer’s? Or does he have bigger concerns like, oh I don’t know, a worldwide gorilla invasion? And what happens when it a deadly virus becomes involved? How will this fit into the already-fucked-up sequence of events unfolding? Who will survive this madness? Will? Caroline? Charles? Caesar himself? Or will we end up with, ahem, a PLANET OF THE APES? What do you rocket scientists think?

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES”: If you are a fan of the original movies and the 2001 remake with Mark Wahlberg, then you need to see this one. It’s probably the best of them all…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES”: If you are not a fan of the series or the 2002 remake. If so, this will be a long two hours for you… But you may actually still like it, because it’s a lot less cheesy than the previous films. Give it a try.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: As I mentioned above, you don’t have to necessarily be a fan of the previous PLANET OF THE APES movies to like RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. I am bit ashamed to write that I’ve never seen the 1968 original nor its sequels or the TV series that sprung from them. And while I’m a fan of Mark Wahlberg, I just wasn’t enticed to see the remake that he starred back in 2001 directed by Tim Burton. Bottom line: the concept of “ape people” just didn’t interest me. So, when word filtered out that a prequel to the whole series was in the works, I wasn’t too jazzed up about it.

However, as time passed, we gradually became more and more interested. For starters, the talented James Franco and the gorgeous Frieda Pinto were cast in the leads. It was also reported that the story would be taking place in present-day San Francisco, and would be more of a psychological thriller with action - rather than an outright action extravaganza. Finally, we glimpsed the trailers - and were completely sold. With their blend of eerie suspense and striking visuals (that shot of the apes flying through the suburban treetops is downright chilling), the previews promised something special - and when the film finally came out on August 5 last summer, they delivered on their promise.

The movie, quite simply, is breathtaking. What’s surprising about it, though, is how it turns out to be much more Caesar’s movie and the rest of the apes, rather than Will’s and the rest of the humans. Director Rupert Wyatt makes us spend a considerable amount of time seeing things through Caesar’s viewpoint. We watch him grow up thinking of Will and Caroline as parent figures. We watch him display intelligence, empathy, kindness, and emotion that trumps that of most humans. We watch him fall prey to his anger when confronted by Will’s hostile neighbor. And, finally, we watch as his innocent and open outlook is gradually poisoned by the mistreatment he receives at the holding facility he’s transferred to. The scene where Will finally tries to take him home again, and Caesar’s expected reaction, is one of the film’s most poignant scenes. Suffice it to say, the damage has been done. One of the messages of this film is that sometimes humans are less human than the animals under them.

This isn’t to say that the actors are uninteresting, though. Far from it. James Franco makes for a terrific lead. He’s handsome enough to be the leading man, but also quirky enough to make Will Rodman human and not a boring, cookie-cutter hero. He’s human, and everything he does is rooted in human terms - such as his desire to find a cure to Alzheimer’s because of his father’s suffering. Franco also makes Will’s connection to Caesar a very strong one, something that is never between “pet and owner” but closer to a mix of “brother-brother” and “father-son”. In the end, what Will has to learn is that if he really loves Caesar, he can’t keep him captive even for the noblest of reasons. As with Elliott and E.T.’s relationship in E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL, Will learns that he has to do what is best for Caesar - even if it means losing him forever and never finding a cure for Alzheimer‘s. Without this strong emotional conflict, RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES would not have been as powerful or memorable as it is. In the end, the film's other message is that love is about sacrifice.

As for the rest of the human cast, they are all solid. Frieda Pinto makes for a beautiful cautionary voice of reason. Caroline doesn’t get much to do but warn Will of the bad things that could come out of his experimenting with Caesar, and act as his growing conscience. But she does it well - and gets to pitch in at a crucial moment in the climactic battle on the San Francisco Bay Bridge. John Lithgow is sympathetic as Will’s Alzheimer’s-afflicted father, while David Oyelowo is suitably and subtly smarmy as the corporate shark who only cares about the bottom line. Suffice it to say, he gets what’s coming to him. Finally, Brian Cox and Tom Felton vividly play the diametrically opposed father and son caretakers of the ape facility. Cox makes John Landon decent and kind, while Felton turns Dodge into something approaching a monster. As with Oyelowo’s character, he too gets what’s coming to him, courtesy of Caesar and his friends.

In the end, though, this film belongs to Caesar, who is portrayed with an eerie humanity by actor Andy Serkis. The wide range of emotions and expressions that he gives Caesar are almost a language of their own. He conveys more eloquent feeling with a flicker of the eye, a twitch of the head, or a single sad glance than all the dialogue in the world ever could. And as I’ve said before: that’s acting - and it's often more about what is left unsaid. And Serkis nails the role with an unforgettable performance. Bravo, sir.

Ultimately, RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES is the perfect film for both fans and non-fans of the APES series: it has enough in common with the previous films to draw the people who liked them, and establishes a very compelling origins story - but is also serious, profound, and daring enough to attract those of us who never cared for the previous movies. In other words - the best of both worlds.

SNEAK PEEK: The Valentine’s 2012 Line-Up…

2012-01-01T23:33:00.000-08:00

Hiya, folks… Here’s hoping Day 1 for 2012 was great for everybody.

Now that Christmas and New Year’s have passed (for now), let’s turn our sights on the next special day that’s just around the corner.

Valentine’s Day.

As with our Valentine’s celebration last year, we will be reviewing movies that tackle love in its many shapes and sizes. Romantic love, platonic love, brotherly love, sisterly love, love between friends, between father and son, between mother and child, love for pets, love for art, love for sport, love for a belief or cause, and many, many, many more. There’s even one movie for people who hate Valentine’s Day. For the rest of us, though, there’s the rest of them…

Please find below a glimpse into our February….

Have a great evening, folks… Pleasant dreams.

# 408 - THE MUPPETS (2011)

2012-01-01T22:08:00.001-08:00

THE MUPPETS (2011 - COMEDY / FAMILY) **** out of *****

(They‘re baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack…)

CAST: Jason Segel, Amy Adams, Chris Cooper, Rashida Jones, Walter The Newbie, Kermit The Frog, Miss Piggy, Animal, Fozzie The Bear, The Swedish Shef, Rowlf The Dog, Gonzo, Those Two Old Farts Waldorf and Statler, That Big Blue Sasquatch-Looking Thing, Camilla the Chicken, Rizzo The Rat, and more Muppets than you can shake a foam hammer at.

DIRECTOR: James Bobin

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a whole legion of out-of-control puppets, er, Muppets -straight ahead….

And the hilarious GIRL WITH DRAGON TATTOO Trailer spoof by our lovable Muppets:

IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s been about twenty years since the Muppets were considered “hot” and “A-List”. Consequently, their current status on the pop culture radar is somewhere above “rolled-up blazer sleeves and shoulder pads” but a few notches below re-runs of “The Facts of Life”. Which, frankly, is not a good place to be if you want to launch a telethon to raise $10,000,000 to help save the Muppet Studios. Which is exactly what Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, and the rest of the furry whackjobs plan to do. Seems a dastardly Texas rich man named, uh, Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) wants to raze the building to tap into the virgin oil well underneath it - and they need to raise the money to buy the building from under him. Only in a fucking Muppets movie would that even be suggested with the seriousness often reserved for International Treaty Signings.

Anyhow, determined to save the place they became famous at, the Muppets reunite and race against time to clean up the long-unused theater, round up celebrity guests, and sharpen their acts for opening night. Some of the preparation includes, but is not limited to: (1) The Swedish Chef practicing sounding unintelligible; (2) Animal practicing demolishing his drum set; (3) Kermit practicing spazzing out and fainting from fear; (4) Miss Piggy practicing screaming at anything that moves; (5) Gonzo practicing killing himself in various insane stunts; and (6) Fozzie practicing telling jokes that even my cats stoned on catnip wouldn’t laugh at.

Speaking of jokes: hey, Fozzie… I got a joke for ya: What’s long, green, and smells like pork?

Kermit’s finger.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Everyone gets to pitch in - but will this award go to Walter, the newest muppet? Does he have some skillz that will save the Studio?

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Jason Segel as Gary, Walter’s real-person brother, is kind of cute. And so is Amy Adams as Gary’s fiancee Mary. But no one’s winning this award in this kind of flick. Unless you somehow have a hard-on for Miss Piggy - in which case, you best not let Kermit know.

MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Gary, Mary, Walter, and Kermit going on a cross-country trip to round-up all the Muppets from their, ahem, “day jobs.” Who would’ve thought Gonzo could run a plumbing empire? Or Animal participate in an Anger Management Class? But Miss Piggy working as the “plus-size” editor of Vogue? That, I can buy. Just call her THE DEVIL EATS PRADA.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Neil Patrick Harris complaining about Jack Black getting selected to host the telethon over him. Guys, take this outside, please…

HOTTEST SCENE: Miss Piggy and Kermit reconciling after years of hiding their love for each other. Am I sick to get turned on by a pig and a frog making googley-eyes at one another? Don’t answer that…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the Muppets succeed in raising $10,000,000 to save their Studio? Or is the ball-busting TV exec Veronica (Rashida Jones) really correct when she says the Muppet are “not relevant anymore”? How will Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, and the rest of the gang react? Will it discourage them? Or just make them even more determined to succeed? What happens when they kidnap Jack Black to be their host? Do they now have a chance in hell of succeeding? Or will Tex Richman have the last laugh? And the most vital, pressing, urgent question of all: what will Kermit and Miss Piggy’s kids look like. Shudder….

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE MUPPETS”: If you loved the original TV show and the subsequent films. And if you like musicals with large doses of comedy - or is that comedies with large doses of music?

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE MUPPETS”: If you don’t get the Muppets. If so, go watch THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO instead….

BUT, SERIOUSLY: I’ve been a fan of the original Muppets TV show ever since I was a kid, and I’ve seen all the spin-off movies based on the show. And as I grew older, my affection for the characters of Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Animal and the rest of the gang stayed strong. If anything, maturity led to an even greater appreciation of the Muppets - because I understood the jokes better. Much like the original Looney Tunes cartoon series (which I also love), the Muppets’ brand of humor was actually geared towards adults with a “wink, wink” attitude.

It’s this sly, knowing humor that is abundantly present in THE MUPPETS, the latest film in the series. Based on a script co-written by star Jason Segel, this movie expertly blends juvenile gags with more sophisticated gimmicks - with the latter being much more prevalent. Indeed, in the screening we attended, there were hardly any children in the audience, and mostly adults. You could argue that this is because the Muppets are, as Rashida Jones’ icy TV exec says in the film, “no longer relevant” and most present-day kids don’t know who they are. You could state that the people who made this movie a hit are the kids who used to watch it - and are now all grown up. And you might have a point. But I tend to think it’s also because the humor of THE MUPPETS is as sophisticated as it always was - and adults are tuning in to it.

The aforementioned Segel does double-duty as co-writer and star of this movie. He’s an engaging lead who blends innocence and smarts in an expert way. Amy Adams, Chris Cooper, Rashida Jones, Jack Black, and other recognizable stars in bright cameos, all match Segel’s energy and charm. They mesh well with the Muppets.

Speaking of those lovable furry puppets, they are the main reason this film rates a **** (very good) rating. The reason they are so popular is the same reason the Looney Tunes gang is so popular: each of the characters is not only hilarious - but also hilarious in their own, distinctive way. In other words, they have vivid personalities. Who can forget Kermit’s gentlemanly tentativeness, Miss Piggy’s melodramatic fire, Gonzo’s reckless charm, Fozzie’s goofball humor, Animal’s volatile energy, the Swedish Chef’s incomprehensible babbling, or the acid banter between Waldorf and Statler? Just to name a few…

Bottom line: this movie succeeds because the Muppets are just as funny and entertaining as ever. What’s even more satisfying is to see them come together as a family in their goal to save their Studio. THE MUPPETS may charm us old-timers more than the younger crowd - but you don’t have to be familiar with their history to enjoy them. The great thing about the humor is how it’s spread around to everyone. It’s not just the principals like Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Fozzie who get the comic-gold gags and bits. Even second and third-string players like Bunsen, Burner, Teeth, and the Chicken Squad get great exposure.

In the end, there’s never really any doubt as to whether these guys will raise the money they need to save the Studio. But it’s the exhilaratingly hilarious journey getting there that matters. And believe me when I say: it is indeed hilarious…

GO, GANG!

On this OTHER Special Night...

2011-12-31T20:10:00.000-08:00

Hello, folks... Before the celebrations get too far along, please allow me to say the following to you all, wherever you may be in the World:

Felice Anno Nuovo!
Buon Anno!
Manigong Bagong Taon!
Saale Nao Mubbarak!
Gelukkige nuwe jaar!
Gezuar Vitin e Ri!
Snorhavor Nor Tari!
Kul 'am wa antum bikhair!
Sheta Brikhta!
Yeni Iliniz Mubarek!
Noki saal mubarrak bibi!
Shuvo Nabo Barsho!
Bloavezh Mat!
Chestita Nova Godina!
Soursdey Chhnam Tmei!
FELIÇ ANY NOU!
Nuo bazzor bekkunore!
Xin Nian Kuai Le!
Pace e Salute!
Sretna Nova godina!
Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!
Stastny Novy rok!
Godt Nytår!
Ufaaveri Aa Aharakah Edhen!
GELUKKIG NIEUWJAAR!
Kiortame pivdluaritlo!
Felican Novan Jaron!
Head uut aastat!
MELKAM ADDIS AMET YIHUNELIWO!
RUHUS HADUSH AMET!
Onnellista Uutta Vuotta!
Bonne Annee!
Bliadhna mhath ur!
Bo Nadal e Feliz Aninovo!
Prosit Neujahr!
GILOTSAVT AKHAL TSELS!
Kenourios Chronos!
Nutan Varshbhinandan!
Hauoli Makahiki Hou!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Naye Varsha Ki Shubhkamanyen!
Sun Leen Fai Lok!
Boldog Új Évet Kivánok!
Selamat Tahun Baru!
Sal -e- no mobarak!
Sanah Jadidah!
Bliain nua fe mhaise dhuit!
Felice anno nuovo!
Akimashite Omedetto Gozaimasu!
Asegwas Amegaz!
Hosa Varushadha Shubhashayagalu!
SOMWAKA OMOYIA OMUYA!
Saehae Bock Mani ba deu sei yo!
Laimingu Naujuju Metu!
Sabai dee pee mai!
Srekjna Nova Godina!
Tratry ny taona!
Selamat Tahun Baru!
Nveen Varshachy Shubhechcha!
Is-Sena t-Tajba!
Nawa Barsha ko Shuvakamana!
Godt Nyttår!
Nua Barshara Subhechha!
Nupela yia i go long yu!
Nawai Kall Mo Mubarak Shah!
Sal -e- no mobarak!
Manigong Bagong Taon!
Szczesliwego Nowego Roku!
Feliz Ano Novo!
Nave sal di mubarak!
AN NOU FERICIT!
Manuia le Tausaga Fou!
Sretna nova godina!
Nayou Saal Mubbarak Hoje!
Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa!
Nawan Saal Shala Mubarak Theevay!
Stastny Novy rok!
sreèno novo leto!
Iyo Sanad Cusub Oo Fiican!
Feliz Ano ~Nuevo!
Heri Za Mwaka Mpyaº!
GOTT NYTT ÅR! /Gott nytt år!
Warsa Enggal!
Eniya Puthandu Nalvazhthukkal!
Losar Tashi Delek!
Noothana samvatsara shubhakankshalu!
Sawadee Pee Mai!!
Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun!
Shchastlyvoho Novoho Roku!
Naya Saal Mubbarak Ho!
Yangi Yil Bilan!
Chuc Mung Tan Nien!
Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!

And last, but not the least: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Again, please excuse me if I screwed up your country's greeting above. I just want to say thank you for your patronage during this past year. I look forward to another year of celebrating the gift of movies with all of you. Nothing brings the World together like soccer, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and... movies.

Here's to an exciting and wonderful 2012, and in the words of Mahatma Gandhi, let's have the courage to be the change we want to see in the World... And in my words: Laugh Now. Live Now. Love Now.

Have fun, and please be safe tonight - wherever in the World you and your family may be. I hope this message finds all of you in the best of spirits and circumstances. If not, please hang in there and try to have fun anyway - things will get better.

Now, please excuse me. It's time to dance the night away on our balcony...

# 407 - SUNSHINE (2007)

2011-12-31T17:55:00.001-08:00

SUNSHINE (2007 - ACTION / THRILLER / SCI-FI) ***** out of *****

(Better get those sunglasses ready…)

CAST: Chris Evans, Cillian Murphy, Michelle Yeoh, Rose Byrne, Cliff Curtis, Hiroyuki Sanada, Troy Garity, Benedict Wong, Mark Strong.

DIRECTOR: Danny Boyle

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and several compelling reasons not to ever take the sun for granted - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s the year 2057, and our sun has been colder than a witch’s tit for several decades now. Earth has launched the spacecraft “Icarus 2” to travel all the way to the sun and launch a nuclear missile at it - in a last-ditch effort to rev it up again before mankind freezes to death. Now, I’m no nuclear physicist so I’m in no position to prove or disprove that particular tactic. Let’s just hope it works, because the phrase “permanent solar winter” isn’t particularly inviting. Oh, and the reason the mission is called “Icarus 2” is because the previous mission called “Icarus” launched seven years ago to do the same thing, simply vanished mysteriously. Not a good sign, folks. Especially since the crew of “Icarus 2” is fairly delicious. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to their fine asses.

They are: (1) Mace (Chris Evans), ultra-hot pilot who forever looks pissed off (that’s okay - I like brooding guys); (2) Capa (Cillian Murphy), very hot scientist who is forever brawling with Mace (must be repressed sexual desire); (3) Corazon (Michelle Yeoh), very hot scientist who likes to call Mace “flyboy” (don’t worry, Cory, I’d be calling him stuff, too - like “ChewToy” or “TubeSteak“); (4) Cassie (Rose Byrne), very hot scientist whom Capa is banging (can’t say I blame him - she looks like Rose Byrne); (5) Harvey (Troy Garity), very hot cryptographer or something who is also forever arguing with Mace (more frustrated sexual desire - Mace does look like Chris Evans, after all, and they’re all cooped up on that ship for years - I’d be “fighting” with him, too); (6) Kaneda (Hiroyuki Sanada), very hot Zen-like captain of the mission who must have an endless supply of Valium and Vicodin somewhere on the ship (everyone else looks like they could use it - pass that shit around, dude); (7) Searle (Cliff Curtis); very hot dude who doesn’t seem to do much but walk around wearing aviator sunglasses (in space - you do the math); and (8) Trey (Benedict Wong) sorta hot dude whose competence level is just about higher than that of a comatose turtle (which means, he’s dead meat).

In short, their mission is to basically set off a nuclear explosion on a great big ball of fire - and hightail it away from there in time to survive the blast. And I thought trying to get Blake Lewis to deejay my New Year’s Eve party was an impossible task…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Toss up between Mace and Capa. If these two make it back to Earth, there better be some huge medals waiting for them - for their huge balls.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: As hot as the rest of the cast is, you already know who this award is going to, right?

Burp. Belch. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh….

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Mace trying to repair the coolant to save the nuclear payload - and the entire mission. Now that’s sacrifice. Talk about taking one for the team. Sniffle…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: That final shot at the very end of the movie - and that’s all I’m going to say…

HOTTEST SCENE: Well, since this is a movie about astronauts flying into the sun, there’s a lot of “temperature-hot” scenes. But if we’re talking “sexiness-hot” (and we always are), then this award has to go to the scene where Mace intensely reminds everyone that “Nothing - NOTHING! - matters except completing our mission! Not even our lives!!!” What is it about Chris Evans yelling at someone that makes me so frickin’ hot?

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the crew of “Icarus 2” succeed in launching the nuclear payload? But even if they do, will this actually revive the sun? Or will it have a catastrophic side effect and kill them all anyway? Is Mace right when he says they are all expendable? Will everyone agree? Or will some of them behave selfishly and against the greater good? Who will it be? And what happens when they discover the remains of “Icarus 1” floating just beyond the orbit of Mercury? Will they discover the reason why the previous mission failed? And what will they do when it turns out that “something” is onboard “Icarus 1”? Will they be able to defend themselves? Or will “it” kill them all before they can reach the sun? Will Earth freeze? All I can say is this: the idea of an oncoming “permanent solar winter” is enough to make me move to Hawaii for good.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SUNSHINE”: If you like sci-fi thrillers that are original, scary, seductive, lyrical, exciting, beautiful, poetic, and powerful - all at the same time. And if you are a fan of Danny Boyle, Chris Evans, Cillian Murphy, Michelle Yeoh, or Rose Byrne - who all turn in some of their strongest work here.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SUNSHINE”: If you like your sci-fi thrillers to be more straightforward and more action-intensive. While there is a lot of action in SUNSHINE, there’s also a lot of moody sensuality and cerebral atmosphere. Your call…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for DÉJÀ VU (review # 379), we talked about how that film was such a dynamic, one-of-a-kind movie-going experience - so much so that it deserved the coveted ***** (five star) rating of “Spectacular” I bestowed upon it. Despite some sizable suspensions of disbelief, DÉJÀ VU successfully dazzled, entertained, and moved. Quite frankly, while there are other films with similar elements of time travel and action out there, none of them are quite like this one.

Now, in our latest review for SUNSHINE, we find ourselves in the same territory. Like DÉJÀ VU, this film requires us to suspend our disbelief - and accept that a space crew launching a nuclear device at the sun will re-ignite it and save mankind. Fortunately, as with DÉJÀ VU, SUNSHINE has a perfect combination of a talented cast, confident director, and thoughtful script to turn it into a similarly unique movie-going experience. While there are other films out there about “doomed” space missions, none of them are quite like SUNSHINE - and that is largely due to its terrific cast, director, and script.

Let’s talk about the cast. They are a very interesting bunch, including physically. While you have your “leading man” and “leading woman” types like Chris Evans, Cillian Murphy, and Rose Byrne, you also have your “quirky character” types like Troy Garity and Cliff Curtis, and also your “foreign talent” like Michelle Yeoh, Hiroyuki Sanada, and Benedict Wong. It’s a truly international cast. Another director might have insisted on a more “vanilla” group of American performers, but Boyle aspires for a more colorful, varied bunch. And what’s even better is how great they all are - and how well they mesh with one another.

I’ve been a fan of Chris Evans ever since I first saw him in NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (review # 61) way back in 2001. But it’s not only because of his sheer beauty. Sure, the guy is probably one of the TOP 3 most handsome men on Earth, but looks are only skin deep - and there‘s always another cute guy around the corner, believe me. No, what I adore about this guy is his combo of talent, intelligence, humility, humor, intensity, and - above all - his passion for movies, acting, and storytelling that never fails to come across in conversations, fan encounters, and interviews. And, most importantly, in his roles.

While he’s best known for his “loose and sexy and fun” parts in the FANTASTIC FOUR movies, CELLULAR, and WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?, he’s also just as interesting (if not more) when he’s playing serious, intense men in movies like CAPTAIN AMERICA, THE PERFECT SCORE, PUNCTURE, and… SUNSHINE. His role in SUNSHINE is one of my favorites because of Mace’s credo of “service before self”. This is a guy who comes from a military background - and understands that you have to be ready to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. And that’s something I can totally relate to. Evans brings Mace to life with a riveting combo of passionate intensity and brave selflessness. I want this guy on my space crew. Also, Evans says that his favorite of all his films is SUNSHINE - and I can understand why. Mace is one of his best characters - and one of his most memorable performances.

Complementing Evans quite nicely as the more mellow and laid-back Capa is Cillian Murphy. With his sculpted cheekbones and sleepy eyes, Murphy is perfect for the role of someone who is just as brave as Mace - but doesn’t realize it until Mace forces it out of him. Mace and Capa’s confrontations and arguments eventually give way to a mutual respect - especially when Capa realizes that Mace is absolutely right when he says that their mission is bigger than all of their lives put together. The final scenes where Capa and Mace communicate by radio to set up the payload are heartbreaking, made even more poignant by the rapport that Evans and Murphy bring to their characters.

Rose Byrne and Michelle Yeoh are vivid as the female crew members. I was relieved to see that neither Cassie nor Corazon were turned into “Ripley” wannabes. Instead, these women are capable, resourceful, intelligent women who are believably human and just trying to get their jobs done - not super-heroines. Same goes for Captain Kaneda as played by Hiroyuki Sanada. Sanada brings a nice calm elegance to his role - typical of his Japanese background, I suppose. It’s nice to see Sanada in a big Hollywood production such as this, after his equally interesting role in the Japanese hit RINGU - the film that set off the “Asian Horror” craze and its subsequent American remake mania.

Cliff Curtis, Troy Garity, and Benedict Wong round out the “Icarus 2” crew with equally good performances. Garity, by the way, is Jane Fonda’s son - and it shows. He has the stellar acting genes of his mother, as well as those “movie star” good looks. Mark Strong also delivers as the movie’s (*SPOILER ALERT*) secret villain onboard the derelict vessel of “Icarus 1”. The sight of his character running around the abandoned spaceship like a burned phantom is terrifying, and gives SUNSHINE some of the feel of the classic space thriller ALIEN.

Indeed, if there’s a movie that I could compare SUNSHINE to, it would be ALIEN. While SUNSHINE doesn’t have a rampaging monster, it still shares that classic’s sense of slow-building dread and moody beauty. Director Danny Boyle isn’t afraid to let a shot linger on and on at a languid pace or let his characters sit in silence - much like Ridley Scott did with ALIEN. Most directors these days would be rushing to cut to the next scene - and having their actors blab away. It makes you wonder if they have Attention Deficit Disorder - or if they think we audiences do. They seem to have forgotten that silence can sometimes express more than words, and letting it unfold can sometimes be the best thing for characterization. Fortunately, Danny Boyle and Ridley Scott remembered - and ALIEN and SUNSHINE are all the stronger because of it.

Then there’s the script, written by Alex Garland (28 DAYS LATER - review coming) which weaves in potent themes of loyalty and sacrifice. In essence, most of the characters in SUNSHINE sacrifice themselves in one way or another - so the mission will go on and succeed. The biggest sacrifices, however, come from Mace and Capa at the end. Indeed, there’s a sense of sad inevitability to this film that gets stronger and stronger as it approaches the climax. Aided by a wonderfully evocative score by John Murphy, Danny Boyle expertly turns this space journey into a study of the human spirit - and how selfless and noble it can be. The finale is one that you’ll remember for a while to come.

In the end, SUNSHINE is a surprisingly poetic and lyrical take on the standard “imperiled space crew” premise. It’s made memorable by an atypical cast, their unconventional director, and Alex Garland’s haunting script. Just as Boyle and Garland turned 28 DAYS LATER into a soulful and thoughtful take on the “Zombie Apocalypse” genre, they turn SUNSHINE into a haunting journey into space and all its mysteries. Bravo, team SUNSHINE…

In closing, please hear a snippet of John Murphy's exceptional score for SUNSHINE, and meet the brave men and women of "Icarus 2". Then check-out the brand-new teaser trailer for next summer’s PROMETHEUS - which is Ridley Scott’s unofficial-sorta-prequel to ALIEN. And did I mention it stars Charlize Theron? Can’t wait…

And the new trailer for PROMETHEUS:

# 406 - YOUNG ADULT (2011)

2011-12-31T11:45:00.000-08:00

YOUNG ADULT (2011 - COMEDY / DRAMA) ***1/2 out of *****

(Visitor from the Planet of the Drunk Biyatches…)

CAST: Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Patrick Wilson, Elizabeth Reaser, Collette Wolfe, Jill Eikenberry, Mary Beth Hurt.

DIRECTOR: Jason Reitman

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and several compelling reasons not to ever date the most popular girl in high school - straight ahead….

IT’S LIKE THIS: Mavis Gary (Charlize Theron) is a Minneapolis chick who is some serious bad juju. Despite the fact that she’s already in her late 30’s, Mavis acts like she’s still the high school queen and drinks herself into oblivion on a regular basis. Which might be okay, but she’s also kind of an awful scumbag, despite looking as pretty as Charlize Theron. Which makes it such a shocking surprise that her husband recently divorced her. He’s probably out there right now throwing a party and celebrating with someone more fun, gracious, and intelligent. I guess looks aren’t everything, huh? Mavis, for her part, decides to pick herself up and move forward by… going back to her hometown of Mercury, Minnesota and stealing her high school sweetheart, Buddy Slade (Patrick Wilson) from his wife Beth (Elizabeth Reaser). Yes, sir, that’s her recovery plan. Let’s just say that Mavis Gary is who they are talking about when they say, “Shiny on the outside, rotten on the inside”. In other words, beware which apples you pick up. You could wind up with a Mavis Gary instead of a Granny Smith.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Matt Fruehauf (Patton Oswalt), the nerd that Mavis went to high school with, and with whom she forms an unexpected sort-of friendship when she comes home to enact her “master plan“. If anyone can talk some sense into Mavis’s head, it’s Matt. Or is it? Good luck, dude…

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Charlize Theron is pretty smokin’, but her character is so unpleasant, unkind, and ungracious that she actually starts to look ugly and withered to us. I guess that’s a testament to Theron’s performance. So, the award must go to Patrick Wilson as Mavis’s high school sweetheart.

MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Anytime Matt tells Mavis like it is: that she’s basically a Psycho Bitch From Hell. This happens a lot in this movie...

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Mavis getting all dolled up for a party to impress Buddy, only to have Beth accidentally spill red wine all over her dress. There goes the neighborhood…

HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene where Matt tells Mavis like it is. There’s just something sexy about a guy who takes the bull by the horns - or the bitch by the tits.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Mavis finally realize what a rotten and sad person she is? Will Matt be able to help her with this realization? Or is he going to throw his hands up and give up on her like her husband did? Will Mavis wreck Buddy’s marriage? Does Buddy love her, too? Or is he loyal to Beth? How will Mavis save herself? If at all? Does she even deserve to be saved? Well, let’s put it this way: she may look like Charlize Theron, but her insides look like Gollum from the HARRY POTTER series. Inner beauty is what counts, folks…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “YOUNG ADULT”: If you like screenwriter Diablo Cody’s acid brand of humor, showcased so well in JUNO. And if you love the multi-faceted, talented, and fearless Charlize Theron, who is that rare actress who can play against her beauty.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “YOUNG ADULT”: If you want your heroines to actually be, you know, likable and sympathetic. If so, steer very clear of this movie.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: With her Academy-Award winning screenplay for JUNO, Diablo Cody established herself as someone who could create a comic world that is both sweet and snarky at the same time, without each compromising the other. JUNO was easily one of the most memorable films of the past decade, and it certainly semaphored good things for Cody. Her follow-up was the fun but ultimately pointless horror/thriller JENNIFER’S BODY starring Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried. The film was meant to tap into Cody’s deep love for B-Horror movies, and was echoed a little in JUNO with the lead character’s expansive knowledge of cult films.

In comparison to JENNIFER’S BODY and JUNO, Cody’s third writing effort is a much more daring and provocative affair. But not necessarily more enjoyable. YOUNG ADULT doesn’t have a sympathetic heroine the way those other two movies did. Here, the lead character is downright unlikable and practically irredeemable. There are a couple of moments in the latter part of the film where it looks like Mavis just might realize what a horrible person she is, but not being intelligent and self-aware enough, she fumbles it. The result is tragic and amusing at the same time. And Charlize Theron delivers a brave performance that never once tries to court audience sympathy. She presents Mavis, warts and all, and leaves it up to us to assess her. And my assessment is this: Mavis Gary is someone you don’t want to be around, let alone look at, because her beauty is compromised by a truly rotten personality - and Theron’s performance is so vivid and precise, that you eventually begin to see less and less of her beauty, and more of that inner ugliness. It’s an amazing performance, and one that should be remembered come Academy Awards time.

The supporting cast is excellent, led by the awesome Patton Oswalt as Matt, the unexpected friend that Mavis makes, and the guy who tries his best to get through to her. Oswalt and Theron have a nicely warm rapport, and the scenes between Matt and Mavis are easily YOUNG ADULT’s best. You can’t help but hope that he can “cure” her - and save her from herself. But you also can’t help but wish he’d get the hell away from her while he can, because she’s probably not worth the effort. Oswalt, along with Theron, are the true standouts of this film.

Patrick Wilson and Elizabeth Reaser are good as the married couple that Mavis tries to break-up. Some of the scenes of Mavis, Buddy, and Beth are so cringe-inducing that you have to give credit to all of the actors for getting you to feel so uncomfortable. That’s the mark of a vivid performance. Because Mavis is so unlikable, our sympathies automatically shift to Buddy and Beth, and hope that they survive Mavis’s onslaught.

In the end, though, as lauded and praised as YOUNG ADULT is, it’s not the kind of movie that I would want to see again. The main character is so unpleasant and, ultimately, completely unattractive. If I did see it again, it would be just to admire Charlize Theron’s fearless performance. For her, I would do it. In the end, though, it’s just a solidly good film. But, enjoyment-wise, it’s no JUNO.

# 405 - BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

2011-12-30T21:30:00.001-08:00

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006 - HORROR / REMAKE) *1/2 out of *****

(Ugh…)

CAST: Katie Cassidy, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Crystal Lowe, Andrea Martin, Kristen Cloke, Michelle Trachtenberg, Oliver Hudson, Jessica Harmon, Kathleen Kole, Leela Savasta, Robert Mann.

DIRECTOR: Glen Morgan

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some very compelling reasons to get your ass on that first plane, train, bus, or car headed home - just as soon as finals are over, straight ahead….

IT’S LIKE THIS: In this lame remake of the 1974 proto-slasher BLACK CHRISTMAS, eight sorority sisters (Katie Cassidy, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Crystal Lowe, Michelle Trachtenberg, Leela Savasta, Kathleen Cole, Jessica Harmon) and their dippy housemother (Andrea Martin) stay behind in their house over the Holidays. Normally, that would be sucky enough. But it turns out that a family massacre occurred at the house like, a hundred years ago or some shit, before it became a sorority house. And to further turdify the Christmas punch bowl, the whackjob maniac (Robert Mann) responsible has just escaped from his loony bin - and he wants to come home for Christmas. And he ain’t gonna be too happy to find out his childhood home has been taken over by a bunch of skanks. Guess they should’ve called it RED CHRISTMAS. Or better yet, they shouldn’t have made it at all…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Unlike the similarly-plotted but much, much better-executed SORORITY ROW, this flick is filled with chicks who have the survival instincts of moths - as in: instead of fleeing from danger, they run right into the goddamn thing. But if I had to pick one heroic gal, it would be Kelli (Katie Cassidy) - who is the only blonde in the cast, and is probably the smartest. Go, girl! Bust that “Dumb Blonde Stereotype!”

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: All the girls are hot, especially Katie Cassidy, Crystal Lowe, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead - but I have to go with Oliver Hudson on this one, who plays Kelli’s unfaithful boyfriend Kyle:

MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: We’re picking for crumbs here, but I guess the scene where Dana (Lacey Chabert) does the “Dumb Horror Movie Chick” thing and crawls under the house to fix the power…. It’s really not even all that scary. But when you’re picking for crumbs, folks…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: The stupid scene where these chicks FINALLY decide to leave the house - and STILL fuck up their escape. My. GOD. LADIES. What the HELL is your PROBLEM? It’s easy: open the door, then FUCKING RUN! And keep on RUNNING!. What the FUCK?

HOTTEST SCENE: Like I said, these chicks are all very hot. But they’re too busy being dense and getting killed to, you know, paw each other and shit. And Kyle refuses to prance around in nothing but a Santa hat and jockstrap, like I kept hoping for... Which is inexplicable since he’s supposed to be a frat boy. Why no skin? WHY!?!?! Another reason I hate this film…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will any of these lemmings survive? Who cares? Well, that’s not entirely true: I would like Kelli and Kyle to live. But everyone else? Fuck them.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BLACK CHRISTMAS”: If you like to watch thoroughly misguided, not to mention utterly ill-conceived and executed, remakes to classic horror movies. And if you don’t mind torturing your brain for 90 minutes. If so, God be with you…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BLACK CHRISTMAS”: If you like your horror flicks to, you know, actually be decent. And if you love the original 1974 classic, in which case this film will send you into paroxysms of rage and disbelief.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: When the original BLACK CHRISTMAS was released back in 1974, it paved the way for the rise of the Slasher Genre. HALLOWEEN (1978) is often cited as the Granddaddy of the Modern Slasher Film, but that is not entirely accurate. That title truly belongs to BLACK CHRISTMAS. While HALLOWEEN was the bigger box-office hit and is indeed a great film, it basically just took the tropes established by BLACK CHRISTMAS and turbo-charged them. The fact remains, however, that HALLOWEEN didn’t create them. BLACK CHRISTMAS did.

Those tropes are as follows: (1) an isolated setting; (2) a young cast of characters who are imperiled; and (3) a vicious killer who targets them one-by-one until only one (usually referred to as “The Final Girl”) is left to confront the killer. BLACK CHRISTMAS presented all these elements in such a scary, hypnotic way that the movie stayed with you long after the end credits stopped rolling. And its ending is one of the most unforgettably terrifying endings of all time, which is something that HALLOWEEN even tried to imitate but couldn’t top.

With the recent craze for horror classic remakes that eventually brought us new versions of PROM NIGHT, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, HALLOWEEN, APRIL FOOL’S DAY, and MY BLOODY VALENTINE, it’s only natural that the one that started it all in the first place would be given the same treatment. When I heard in 2005 that BLACK CHRISTMAS was being remade and had begun casting, I was thrilled. That excitement, however, was tempered by a certain apprehension. What if they screw it up? I comforted myself with the idea that the remake didn’t have to be as good as the original - just good enough.

Turns out I would be very disappointed. Put simply, the remake is terrible. It is staggering to note just how much the new film gets wrong compared to the original. Whereas BLACK CHRISTMAS 1974 was an unsettling exercise in mood, dread, and gradually-escalating terror, BLACK CHRISTMAS 2006 destroys any chance of decent atmosphere and suspense by revealing too much about the killer’s backgrond, giving us too many characters (flat ones at that), and going overboard with the gore. These are simply the major points the remake seriously fumbles, but I assure you there are many minor ones.

Whereas the original purposefully kept “Billy’s” history a mystery, and only gave us some disturbing clues to piece together, the remake practically spells everything out - leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. And what is left to the imagination can be more terrifying than anything overtly explained. This might have been tolerable or even forgivable if director Glen Morgan hadn’t concocted the most patently absurd backstory possible. It ends up being so over-the-top that it ultimately fails to be scary - and is just ridiculous. And this seriously neuters the killer, making him much less of a threat.

Then there are the characters. In the original, we had a total of four sorority sisters and the housemother. In the remake we have EIGHT sorority sisters PLUS the housemother PLUS the older sister of one of the girls who shows up unexpectedly PLUS the heroine’s boyfriend. So, basically, the cast more than doubles in number. Again, all this might be okay if Morgan and his writers had done a good job of fleshing them out and making them all distinct from one another. Unfortunately, they don’t - and it becomes difficult to tell the girls apart. With the exception of Katie Cassidy as Kelli, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Heather, and Crystal Lowe as Lauren, all the other girls look and sound alike. This was not an issue in BLACK CHRISTMAS ‘74, where the four main girls were all distinct and vivid enough for us to register as solid characters - which made us more concerned for their survival. In BLACK CHRISTMAS ‘06, we see most of them as interchangeable with each other - and we don’t care if they make it or not. Katie Cassidy, Crystal Lowe, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead are likable, but they don’t get much help from the script.

Then there’s the gore. Now, let me be upfront and say I have a strong stomach, but that doesn’t mean I like gore in my horror films. If anything, I prefer the movies that try to frighten us through mood, suspense, and dread - instead of throwing gross stuff at us. And that is exactly what BLACK CHRISTMAS ‘74 did quite well. Even though the film has several murders, there’s only one that is somewhat bloody - and even then it is done with restraint. In the remake, however, we get explicit cannibalism, mutilations, eye-gougings, bludgeoning, etc. - and even more in the United Kingdom version of the movie. It’s just all so thoroughly unpleasant. Basically, what the original film only hinted at, the remake blatantly and repellently exposes. In the end, this movie leaves you with a sick feeling. Instead of the scary one that the original film did.

In the end, BLACK CHRISTMAS 2006 is a textbook example of how to take a beloved and formidable classic - and screw it up so thoroughly. And if there was a horror film that deserved a worthy remake, it was BLACK CHRISTMAS 1974. As it is, this remake is the second worse one I’ve seen, after the remake to APRIL FOOL’S DAY. Even the PROM NIGHT remake is better, and that is saying something.

# 404 - HOME ALONE (1990)

2011-12-30T19:25:00.001-08:00

HOME ALONE (1990 - COMEDY) **** out of *****

(Kevin McAllister, 23 - Dumbass Burglars - Big Fat 0…)

CAST: Macaulay Culkin, Catherine O‘Hara, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, John Heard, Roberts Blossom, Kieran Culkin.

DIRECTOR: John Hughes

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some very compelling reasons to not half-ass your headcounts before leaving on holiday…

IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s the night before the McAllisters’ big Christmas family trip to Paris - and their pad is a madhouse. Mom (Catherine O’Hara) and Dad (John Heard) are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, and so is the rest of the family - which, by the way, seems to consist of the entire block. Let’s just say this is one big-ass family. Anyhow, the chaos carries over into the next morning with everyone waking up late and trying to get to the airport in time. And when the airport is Chicago O’Hare, they have good reason to be freaking out. But I digress... Anyhow, they end up overlooking one small detail: youngest son Kevin (Macaulay Culkin), who was banished to the attic the night before for being a little prick to everyone. Let’s just say Mom’s moment of realization at 30,000 feet halfway across the Atlantic is one for the books. It’s not like just forgetting to turn off the garage light, you know?

As you can imagine, while Mom and family are trying to figure out a way to get back to the US of A, Kevin has the McAllister house (which is bigger than most university buildings, by the way) all to himself and is living it up like a cat in a tuna cannery who has figured out how to use a can opener. Unfortunately, this godsend experience gets seriously pissed on when two idiot burglars known as (and I’m not making this up) the, ahem, “Wet Burglars” (Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern) decide to declare open season on Kevin’s domicile when they discover he’s - wait for it - “home alone”. Turns out, however, that our little Kevin is a lot more wily, clever, and mischievous than our two villains gave him credit for. There must be some Italian genes in the McAllister family tree…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Kevin - all the way. Oh, and also Gus Polinski (John Candy), the goodhearted Polka musician who helps Mom get home to Kevin in time to beat his ass for putting the family through hell. You know he’s gonna get it.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: This is not that kind of movie. We ain’t even going there…

MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: First place goes to Larry (Pesci) getting his noggin flambéed and second place goes to Marv (Stern) screaming like a biyatch when Kevin plops a tarantula on his nose. Swear to God he sounds just like I did when I heard that a certain magazine wanted me to be one of their film critics. Only I was screaming from joy - not abject horror.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: The scene in the van where Larry tells Marv that the McAllister house is a jackpot to rob - because of “all the VCRs” inside. If only he could see into the future and see that a medium pizza is more valuable than a VCR these days…

HOTTEST SCENE: Well, like I said, it ain’t that kind of movie. But, if we’re talking temperature, I guess the aforementioned scene of Larry getting his head torched. Ouch. Mucho caliente…

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Kevin successfully fend off Larry and Marv’s attacks? Or will they outfox him somehow? Will Mom make it home in time to rescue Kevin? And what about the scary old man (Roberts Blossom) who lives next door? Will he turn out to be an okay guy and help Kevin? Is he Kevin’s secret ally? How will this Christmas turn out? How?! HOW!?!?!

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “HOME ALONE”: If you like family films with very clever premises, that do a very good job of blending humor, heart, and booby traps… And if you love Christmas and John Hughes, like I do.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “HOME ALONE”: If you don’t like Christmas or laughter. In which case, too bad…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Director John Hughes is famous for his slew of highly-entertaining and highly-successful teen comedies from the mid-to-late 80’s. Films like THE BREAKFAST CLUB, SIXTEEN CANDLES, SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, and PRETTY IN PINK are now considered classics and permanently ingrained in the memories of most folks who grew up during that time. Hughes’ films spoke for a generation of youth in the 1980s in very much the same manner as THE GRADUATE and AMERICAN GRAFFITI did to their parents in the late 60s and early 70s.

In 1990, though, Hughes went in a completely different direction - and created what just might be his most popular film ever. Unlike his other films which appealed mainly to teenagers, HOME ALONE catered to everyone. With a premise that was funny, clever and timeless, and with a perfect cast and light-hearted-but-also-serious-enough tone, this movie took the world by storm - and is Hughes’ biggest hit. The story is simple, but the director and the actors have some major fun with it.

Macaulay Culkin became a household name because of this film, and the role requires him to basically carry the entire film on his shoulders. He has to be likable enough so that we have fun along with him when he’s left behind by his family. He has to be sympathetic and vulnerable enough so that when the inevitable sadness at being “home alone” comes along, we feel for him. And he has to be formidable enough to hold his own against and match wits with the determined burglars trying to get into his home. Culkin nails all of the required levels, and delivers a star-making performance.

But, as I’ve said in our various thriller reviews, you also need some worthy adversaries. Even though HOME ALONE is definitely not a thriller, it shares a similar structure with such films: trapped lone protagonist must battle and overcome relentless antagonists seeking to break into his sanctuary. This was the template of scary films all the way from THE FOG, THE BIRDS, and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, to STRAW DOGS, PANIC ROOM, and ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13. Even though everything is played for laughs (even some of the cringe-inducing violence) in HOME ALONE, some solid opponents are still necessary. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern more than fit the bill. Larry and Marv are a great pair of bumbling baddies. Some of the film’s best scenes are of these two getting their just desserts - by a variety of household items and appliances turned deadly. Great, comic moments - especially Larry’s “head-burning scene”.

But HOME ALONE is more than just a very comic take on a home invasion. It’s also a study of family and appreciation of family. Kevin McAllister is at odds with his family in the beginning - and wishes they were gone. When they inadvertently leave him behind, he thinks that his wish has come true - and embarks on the expected fun spree. But when the novelty fades, though, Kevin begins to realize just how much he took his parents and siblings for granted. This thread is strengthened by Kevin’s unexpected friendship with Marley (Roberts Blossom), the “scary guy” from next door who turns out to be an emotionally-wounded kindred spirit. This part is HOME ALONE’s strongest aspect, and is the movie’s most satisfying reward. There’s a great scene in a church at night mass where Kevin and Marley bond over their lost families.

Catherine O’Hara, John Candy, and Blossom are the strongest of the supporting cast. As with Blossom and his role of Marley, O’Hara and Candy turn in vivid performances in a plot thread that further echoes the message of graciousness and generosity - not only during Christmas, but all the time - as Gus goes well out of his way to help and comfort Mrs. McAllister in her quest to get home to Kevin.

All in all, HOME ALONE is a modern classic from a very unexpected source: John Hughes, the man who is usually more known for teen-angst comedies. I suppose HOME ALONE isn’t so different - if you think of Kevin McAllister as very small teenager.

# 403 - A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS

2011-12-29T21:32:00.001-08:00

A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS (2011 - COMEDY) ***½ out of *****

(Ah, yes, I think I‘m getting the Christmas Munchies…)

CAST: Kal Penn, John Cho, Neil Patrick Harris, Paola Garces, Danny Trejo, Bobby Lee.

DIRECTOR: Todd Strauss-Schulson

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some rather unorthodox - to say the fucking least - ways to spend Christmas Eve - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: In the 2004 comedy classic HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE (review coming), we met our two lovable, ethnically-diverse, stoner heroes: uptight, ambitious Harold Lee (John Cho) and laid-back slacker Kumar Patel (Kal Penn). In that film, we watched Harold and Kumar embark on a hilariously crazy all-nighter trying to track down a White Castle restaurant after smoking up a bucket-load of dope. Apparently, those were some serious munchies - and no other food chain would suffice. Next, in the 2008 sequel HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY we watched our heroes become the victims of some seriously fucked-up racial profiling while trying to leave the country to visit Amsterdam (hmmmmm… wonder why?), which basically ensured the only place they got to visit was an American jail cell. Now, in the third film in this highly-respected (ha ha) series, we reunite with Harold and Kumar a few years after the events of the last film.

Harold has - believe it or not - stopped smoking weed and it apparently has done wonders for him: (1) he is now a high-powered Wall Street exec; (2) he is married to the love of his life Maria (Paola Garces); and (3) he no longer hangs out with Kumar, who - believe it or not (irony alert) - is still smoking pot like a champ, and doesn’t look like he will ever quit. Without the shared activity of getting high to bond them, the two have understandably drifted apart. That is, until fate steps in one Christmas - and Harold and Kumar cross paths again when the latter is forced to deliver a giant joint (don’t ask) to the former’s house. On top of that, Harold accidentally sets fire to his fearsome father-in-law’s (Danny Trejo) beloved Christmas tree, which basically ensures his life will be a living hell from that point forward. That is, unless he can find another suitable tree to take its place. And guess who gets to ride shotgun during the frantic search for said tree? If you said anyone other than Kumar Patel, then you need to stop sucking on that bong and start sucking on something else. Well, you know what I mean. Then, just to make things even more fucked-up, they run into old pal Neil Patrick Harris (Neil Patrick Harris), who is more than just a handful. And I’m not just talking about the “crotch-grab” type of handful. Let the party begin…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Harold and Kumar, all the way. With a very solid assist from Neil Patrick Harris as… Neil Patrick Harris.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Our three heroes above are pretty fine. But I like NPH the best.

MOST INTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Toss up between Harold blasting Santa right the fuck out of the sky (yes, really), and Harold and Kumar setting (inadvertently) that Christmas tree on fire with a joint. Then there’s the baby stoned out of her gourd on dope and coke. Yes, sir. Good times.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SCENE: Uh, well, I guess they’re all intentionally hilarious…

HOTTEST SCENE: Neil Patrick Harris about to cum on some chick’s back during a faux-massage encounter. There’s just something strangely hot about a gay guy playing himself as gay-but-really-straight in a movie, about to unload his man-cream all over his fag hag’s back. Yes. I own property in the gutter. Won’t you join me? It’ll be fun.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… will the former best buds succeed in tracking down a decent Christmas tree to replace the one they accidentally torched? Will they bond because of the experience and become stoner best buds again? Or will Harold continue to say “no” to the dope? Or will he - gasp! - even get Kumar to - omigod - quit? And what happens when Harold accidentally shoots Santa? Did he just kill Christmas? And what about Neil Patrick Harris? How will NPH stir the pot? Will his usual horny antics get them all into hot water again? And does he really mean it when he says he’s truly not gay, but just pretending to be, to get some mad pussy? Or does he just need to watch Chris Evans’ nude scenes in WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER to worship cock again? I’m thinking, yes. Who could say “no” to this:

I know I didn’t. Ahem.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS”: If you liked the first two movies, and don’t mind some seriously raunchy and unapologetically politically-incorrect humor. And if you adore Kal Penn, John Cho, and Neil Patrick Harris. And if you want to see what a stoned toddler with the munchies and face full of cocaine looks like. It looks like this:

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS”: If you offend easily and don‘t have a really fucked-up sense of humor. In which case, this film may actually kill you. Seriously. It will actually kill you.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: With the release of the sleeper hit HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE in 2004, two iconic characters were born. As played by John Cho and Kal Penn, Harold Lee and Kumar Patel are surely two of the most memorable and distinctive comedy leads to come down the pipe in a long time. While they are really cut from similar cloth as Bill and Ted from the BILL AND TED films, it’s Harold and Kumar’s ethnic backgrounds that make them stand out and create unexpected comic gold. Somehow, I don’t think they would be quite as funny if they were portrayed by two Caucasian actors. Some may have a problem with the racial profiling and humor in these film, but being of mixed-ethnicity myself, I could sometimes relate to some of the prejudice that these two run into. In end, everyone is in on the joke, so what is there to be offended about?

HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE, and its effective sequel HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY, were both successful and popular enough to warrant a third film - and this time, the producers strike out in a completely different direction - they’ve created a Holiday flick, and struck more comic gold. What better way is there to take the air out of Christmas than by foisting Harold Lee and Kumar Patel on it? And as if that wasn’t enough, they turned it into a 3-D movie.

While A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS is indeed funny, it’s just a tad below the original and the sequel in the yuks and gags department. That’s definitely not to condemn the film, though. It’s quite hilarious and is filled with some great set pieces, to include the aforementioned “shooting Santa out of the sky” bit, and the “burning down the christmas tree” number. Then there’s the deeply priceless running gag about the baby who is continuously exposed to marijuana smoke and cocaine dust. It’s all so very, very wrong - but so utterly fun at the same time.

As usual, Kal Penn and John Cho prove again to be a dynamite comedic duo. They have golden chemistry and strike sparks (platonic) with one another. Harold and Kumar are right up there with other comedic “Odd Couple” greats. But Penn and Cho are more than just talented comedians - as with the previous two films, the script gives the characters enough seriousness for these two to flex some of their more dramatic skills. Cho, in particular, has a nice intensity that serves both the comedy and the more serious stuff. Penn, on the other hand, has gotten very adept at wielding his character’s goofball quotient like a weapon. Bottom line: these two deserve another movie - and then another. And then yet another.

If Penn and Cho weren’t as charismatic and effective as they are, the show would’ve easily been stolen from them by Neil Patrick Harris playing himself again as what looks like a cross between Charlie Sheen and a male porn star. Harris had not come out of the closet when he made his smashing cameo in the first film. Between then and now, though, he did - and everyone now knows he’s gay, but that doesn’t detract at all from his performance. There’s even a nice joke in the movie about him just pretending to be gay to get laid, that he pretty much sells - before you realize he‘s just making fun of himself. Just as his recurring role as a marauding heterosexual playboy in the TV series “How I Met Your Mother”, Harris successfully convinces you of his character’s “straightness.” And he’s got a brilliantly raunchy and dry delivery, with impeccable comic timing, to boot.

Danny Trejo, Paola Garces, and Bobby Lee are fun in their small supporting roles, with Lee faring the best as Harold’s dorky puppy-dog of a loyal assistant. And Trejo brings his usual quite menace and gravity to the role of Harold’s scary father-in-law, but this time it is played for laughs. Garces, is as usual, a lovely sight.

All in all, A VERY 3-D HAROLD AND KUMAR CHRISTMAS is good enough to stand next to the first two movies, but not enough to overtake them. The 3-D aspect is actually superfluous and is merely a novel, rather than necessary, touch. In the end, the jokes and the three dudes making them are what sell this movie. Go, guys!

# 402 - TITANIC (1997)

2011-12-26T21:24:00.001-08:00

TITANIC (1997 - ROMANCE / ACTION / DRAMA) ****1/2 out of *****

(I’m the King Of The World!!!!! Well, maybe, just of this ship…)

CAST: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates, Frances Fisher, Bill Paxton, Gloria Stuart, Suzy Amis, Bernard Hill, Victor Garber, Jenette Goldstein.

DIRECTOR: James Cameron

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to go on a cruise that doesn’t go anywhere near any icebergs - straight ahead….

IT’S LIKE THIS: Underwater explorer/super scuba diver/treasure hunter Brock Lovett (Bill Paxton) and his crew are exploring the legendary wreck of the RMS Titanic which sank way back in 1912. Within the wreckage, they discover a drawing of a mysterious woman with a great set of hooters and a diamond necklace. Doing some detective work, Brock finds out that the mystery woman was one of the survivors and is now a 100-year old chick named Rose Calvert (Gloria Stuart). Brock flies Rose and her granddaughter Lizzy (Suzy Amis) out to his research vessel. There, Rose regales Brock, Lizzy, and the rest of the scuba divers with her epic tale of love, danger, - and seasickness:

It’s April 10, 1912 and the RMS Titanic is getting ready to embark on her maiden voyage from Southampton, England all the way across the Atlantic to the Big Apple in the US of A. You basically have two kinds of passengers: (1) rich hoity-toites in First and Second Class like Rose DeWitt Bukater (Kate Winslet), her materialistic mum Ruth (Frances Fisher), her asshole fiancee Cal Hockley (Billy Zane), and the no-nonsense Molly Brown (Kathy Bates); and (2) everyone else. By “everyone else“, I mean folks who are sailing Third Class - or even lower. Chief among them are aw-shucks yank Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio), Italian pal Fabrizio DeRossi (Danny Nucci), and what looks like a whole shipload of immigrants. Needless to say, the lovely British class system is definitely alive and well on the RMS Titanic and, ordinarily, Rose and Jack would never even meet, let alone begin a passionate shipboard affair. But before you can say “Clark Kent’s Parents!” that’s exactly what happens. Life would be perfect - except for two things: (1) Cal, Rose’s asshole fiancee, kind of objects to the Rose/Jack smooch-a-thon; and (2) there’s this, ahem, giant iceberg that has its own “Date With Destiny” with the RMS Titanic. And I thought my Hawaiian Vacation was thrilling. It ain’t got nothin’ on this trip. Anyone else get the feeling that Rose’s story is going to have a whopper of a climax? And I don’t just mean the one that she and Jack have together in the back of that car. Naughty, naughty…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Our scruffy and scrappy boy Jack, who is quite the feisty firecracker. And let’s not forget Rose, who starts out as an aloof ice princess - but eventually melts and turns into an action heroine. This is, after all, a James Cameron film. My boy James likes his tough guys and tougher gals….

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Leo DiCap is still in his boyish phase here, and Kate Winslet, while exceedingly lovely, is far too wholesome for my gutter-dirty thoughts. So, while these two are terrific in their lead roles, this award must go to… Danny Nucci as Jack’s dago/wop best pal Fabrizio DeRossi - who is basically America‘s Earliest Guido. Viva Italia!

MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Jack and Rose in the water at the end. If you‘ve seen the movie already, you know what I‘m talking about. Sniffle…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Jack and Fabrizio clowning around on the bow of the ship. Anyone who has snuck into someplace they weren‘t supposed to go - and got away with it - will totally relate to these two dorks in this scene.

HOTTEST SCENE: Jack sketching a nekkid Rose - then steaming up the insides of a car in the cargo hold. Not that I’ve ever done either. Ahem.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: We pretty much know what happened four days after the RMS Titanic set sail from England, right? For those of you who somehow don’t know (like those of you who were born under a rock and never moved out) - let’s just say the ship bounced off an iceberg, then went due south - as in vertically south. But who will survive? Jack? Rose? Ruth? Fabrizio? Molly? That asshole Cal? Will either Jack or Rose have to make the ultimate sacrifice so the other may live? Or will they both make it safely to port, eventually marry, and produce two awesome sons? In my version of the story, they do…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “TITANIC”: If you like gripping action films that seamlessly fuse with soulful, against-all-odds romances - and end up being stellar, one-of-a-kind cinematic experiences. And if you are a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, or James Cameron. If so, this is your Christmas movie…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “TITANIC”: If you like action movies, but not romances. Or vice versa. In which case, you may struggle with this one, because it is just as much a love story as it is an adventure. You’re better off watching a full-on actioner like BAD BOYS or THE ROCK, or full-on romance like THE LAKE HOUSE or ROMEO AND JULIET, if that’s the case.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Earlier in this review, I described the romance between Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater as “against-all-odds.” While that is the perfect way to describe their unlikely union, it is also a very apt description for the uphill battle that writer/director James Cameron faced while fighting to bring his vision of TITANIC to the silver screen. Even with his very successful track record of action/thrillers like THE TERMINATOR, ALIENS, TERMINATOR 2, THE ABYSS, and TRUE LIES, his proposal was met with some serious skepticism from the studios, who are very focused on the bottom line. And TITANIC had a lot going against it, commerce-wise.

For starters, it was going to be a period piece. A very expensive one. And a 3-hour long expensive period piece, at that. And, on top of that, it was going to be just as much a romance as it was an action adventure. If not more. Indeed, it is nothing short of a miracle that TITANIC got made at all. But if there was anyone who could make it work, it was James Cameron. While he is often hailed as an Action Movie Genius, most people overlook the genuine spirit of emotion, humanity, and romance that exists in all of his films. Sometimes they are very subtle (THE TERMINATOR, TRUE LIES), other times they are more obvious (ALIENS, TERMINATOR 2), and yet other times they are front and center (THE ABYSS). In all of these films, Cameron effectively combines kinetic, dynamic action with stirring, haunting emotion. So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he makes TITANIC soar as much as it does.

And, soar it did. When it was released in 1997, TITANIC eventually proved to have some major “legs” at the box-office - both domestic and international - and went the distance. Indeed, until AVATAR’s release a couple of years ago (also written and directed by James Cameron, by the way), TITANIC had the honor of being the most financially successful film of all time. And, if you want to factor in inflation, it is actually still more financially successful than AVATAR. Bottom line: Cameron made a daring, visionary, all-or-nothing bet with this story - and won. The whole world responded to his vision in a resoundingly favorable manner, making TITANIC just as legendary as the real-life ship it’s based on.

TITANIC is a near-perfect film, but I’m going to state its flaws up front. First, as much as I adore James Cameron, some of his dialogue here is a little stagey and “on the nose.” The best movie dialogue is conveyed through subtlety and subtext. And also, never underestimate the power of lack of dialogue altogether: sometimes, silence and expressions can convey emotion more eloquently than five pages of dialogue. Fortunately, the actors (with one exception) bring such passion, conviction, and feeling to their roles that this potentially major liability is mostly smoothed over.

Which brings me to the film’s second flaw: Billy Zane as Cal Hockley, Rose’s villainous fiancee. I hate to single him out like this, but every time we watch TITANIC, his theatrically cartoonish performance always stands out unflatteringly. I’m not sure if this is because Cameron wrote Hockley in such a manner, and directed Zane this way - or if Zane chose to play the character as so over-the-top. In all fairness to Zane, though, I have heard about how precise and controlling Cameron can be - and I tend to think that this is exactly how Cameron wanted Hockley to be portrayed. If so, I have to humbly state that I think it was a mistake. A subtler, more complex performance would’ve made Hockley a more sympathetic and human character without compromising his villainy or the Jack-Rose romance. As it is, he comes across as something out of Central Casting.

Other than these two items, though, TITANIC is near-flawless. There was a time when I thought that Jack Dawson should’ve been played by someone other than Leonardo DiCaprio. Especially when I heard that the studio had wanted Matthew McConaughey for the role, but James Cameron was adamant that DiCaprio be given the job. I used to think that McConaughey would’ve made a better Jack. But then I realized what Cameron was going for here: a boy who tries to act worldly and manly, but then has to grow up for real when his life - and the life of the woman he loves - is placed in mortal danger. In essence, Jack Dawson has to live up to all of the philosophies and credos he so eloquently expounds upon in the earlier part of the film. In short, the boy must now truly become a man - and put his money where his mouth is. As talented as McConaughey is, I don’t think he has the right combination of innocence and boyishness required for this kind of transformation. And DiCaprio pulls it off beautifully. Viewed in this light, he is perfect for the role of Jack Dawson. TITANIC is, in essence, just as much a coming-of-age for both Jack and Rose, as it is their coming together as a couple.

Speaking of Rose, a multitude of actresses were considered for the part, and it was a stroke of good fortune that it finally went to Kate Winslet. The part requires someone who can combine a frosty aloofness and classy demeanor with a more uncertain vulnerability and fragility, as well as a child-like innocence and humor - while hiding a steely courage under it all. And Winslet is ideal because she specializes in playing women whose humanity is always front and center, no matter how simple or complex they ultimately turn out to be. And in Rose’s case, she proves to be quite complicated, indeed. It’s a surprisingly tricky role, and she deserved the Academy Award nomination she received for her efforts. She brings beauty, intelligence, emotion, class, and grace to the role - and makes it her own.

The supporting cast (with the exception of the aforementioned Zane) are all good. Frances Fisher is an effectively chilly presence as Rose’s money-hungry and status-oriented mother Ruth. Kathy Bates is her warmer and earthier counterpoint as the real-life Molly Brown, who clearly approves of Jack and Rose’s union. Not surprising for such a real and down-to-Earth woman. Victor Garber, David Warner, and Bernard Hill lend solid support as the various stoic men who make noble sacrifices for the women and children of the ship after it strikes the iceberg. Finally, Danny Nucci is very appealing in the small but memorable role of Jack’s Italian best friend Fabrizio DeRossi - who makes his own sacrifices in the name of friendship. His original death scene in the script was much more tragic - and I’m glad it was changed to something else for the final film because it would’ve been too heart-breaking to see.

Then there’s the action. This is where Cameron’s craftsmanship really shines. The set design for the RMS Titanic - and its ultimate destruction - is simply breathtaking. The 11 Academy Awards this film collected in 1998 were mainly technical awards - and they’re well-deserved. I vividly remember seeing TITANIC for the first time back in Japan in 1997, and can still hear the gasps (and sniffles) in the audience. Much of it had to do with the bracingly realistic effects. And with the movie being re-released in April in glorious RealD 3-D and IMAX 3-D, those images are bound to be even more spectacular, if possible. The sight of the stern of the ship rising up into the night sky, as desperate survivors either plummet into the water or row away in lifeboats, is an iconic one that is sure to leap off the screen, come spring of next year.

In the end, though, TITANIC is just as much a love story as it is an action/adventure - if not even more. Cameron himself has said that what the film ultimately expresses to us is this (and I‘m quoting): “life is uncertain, the future unknowable, and the unthinkable is possible.” It’s a very fitting way to describe how his vision beat the odds to give us one of the most-loved and remembered films of all time. And it’s also the perfect way to describe the romance at TITANIC’s heart: Jack and Rose, by society‘s rules and expectations, shouldn’t have even met on that ship. They were from different worlds, and different classes. Yet, they did go further. And even if their union was not ultimately meant to last, the important thing is that it happened. And many great things came out of it.

Or as James Cameron would say: “Life is uncertain, the future is unknowable, and the unthinkable is possible.”

In closing, please chill to Celine Dion’s Academy-Award winning theme for TITANIC, “My Heart Will Go On.” I dedicate this song and review to all the unlikely, against-all-odds romances out there, whether they began on a ship or not, and whether they lasted or not. The important thing is they happened - and great things came from them. Especially from one particular real-life shipboard romance between a handsome Italian steward and a Norwegian-American nanny on holiday, some thirty years ago...

On This Special Night...

2011-12-24T20:16:00.000-08:00

Hello, folks… Just taking a quick break from the evening’s festivities (while I can still type) to say the following to everyone around the World:

Buon Natale! Maligayang Pasko! Feliz Navidad! Joyeux Noel! Veselykh Sviat! Kala Xristougenna! Froehliche Weihnachten! Kurisumasu Omedeto! Shub Naya Baras! Miilaad Majiid! Cracuin Fericit! S Rojdestvom Hristovym! Nofri shai empihinmisi empikhristos! Felix Nativitas! Christos razdajetsja! God Jul! Chestita Koleda i Shtastliva Nova Godina! Chuc Mung Giang Sinh! Boldog karacsonyt! Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket! Wesolych Swiat!
Shnorhavor Soorp Dzunoont! Nollaig Shona Duit! Hyvaa Joulua! Mele kalikimaka! Mutlu noeller! Shengdanjie kuaile! Nollaig chridheil huibh! Christos jiang sheng zai! Feliz Natal!

And, of course… MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Please pardon me if I screwed up any of the international greetings above. Too many spiked rum slushees, recipe courtesy of “Milla Jovovich.”

Before I sign off and resume host duties, please note that I am pulling THE LAKE HOUSE to save it for a future Sandra Bullock Appreciation Week, and replacing it with TITANIC - which will be one of our Christmas Reviews for tomorrow. Nothing like an epic love story like TITANIC (written and directed by my personal hero James Cameron) to continue our recent winning streak of ****½ movies. And also to celebrate the recent decision to re-release it in theatres come spring - in glorious IMAX 3-D. Cannot. Wait. Go, James…

And in case you think epic shipboard romances only happen in movies like TITANIC, allow me to inform you that you’re mistaken: about thirty years ago or so, on an international cruise ship, one such union blossomed between a handsome Italian steward and a beautiful Norwegian-American nanny on holiday. Fortunately for them (and us), their ship didn’t hit an iceberg. They made it safely back to port, eventually wed, and produced two great sons - one of whom I’m very proud to call a friend.

In closing, please see TITANIC’s trailer below. And in the spirit of this special night, I wish you and your family all the warmest regards - wherever you may be in the World. Happy Holidays, my friends...

# 401 - LOOKING FOR ERIC (2009)

2011-12-23T09:37:00.001-08:00

LOOKING FOR ERIC (2009 - COMEDY / DRAMA / ROMANCE) ****1/2 out of *****

(Or in my case, looking for Fabio Cannavaro…)

CAST: Steve Evets, Eric Cantona, Stephanie Bishop, Stefan Gumb, Gerard Kearns, Lucy-Jo Hudson, John Henshaw, Justin Moorhouse.

DIRECTOR: Ken Loach

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to believe in the magic of soccer, friendship, and love… straight ahead.

IT’S LIKE THIS: Middle-aged English postal carrier Eric Bishop (Steve Evets) is having a really bad spell. Just to give you an idea of how shitty it is, he has had to contend with the following: (1) stepsons Ryan and Jess (Gerard Kearns and Stefan Gumb) basically walking all over him and treating his house like a dumpster; (2) a job that no longer excites him (let’s face it: sorting mail is very necessary but not exactly the most exciting occupation out there) and has left him seriously listless; (3) having to continue to run into ex-wife Lily (Stephanie Bishop) who he still has a jones for; and - the most terrifying and telling sign of all: (4) he hasn’t been to a football (AKA soccer) match in nearly ten years - pretty much since his hero, former Manchester United super-striker Eric Cantona, retired from the Beautiful Game.

Sensing that Eric needs an intervention (especially because of his football non-attendance), pals Meatballs and Spleen (John Henshaw and Justin Moorhouse) decide to gather up the lads and give their boy Eric some solid assists. And, yes, those are really their nicknames. When you see them, you‘ll see why - as in “He looks like he ate a shitload of ______” and “He looks like someone just punched him in the ______”. Anyhow, our loyal lads have a little exercise where they each say “the name of the person whose confidence and charisma you wish to emulate.” As you can imagine, the responses are pretty diverse and hilarious: Sammy Davis Jr., Fidel Castro (really), Gandhi, Frank Sinatra (seriously), Sarcasto (kidding), Nelson Mandela, and - last, but no way the least: Eric Cantona. Guess whose hero he is? If you said any other name other than our hero Eric‘s, then you obviously are more drunk than I am right now.

Anyhow, right after that intervention session, something miraculous happens: Eric Cantona (the actual Eric Cantona) actually materializes in our hero Eric’s bedroom - and proceeds to turn into The Most Awesome Life Coach ever. Before you know it, Eric is giving Eric some valuable lessons in how to: (1) knock some sense into his dumbass sons; (2) find some joy in his job again; (3) try to win Lily back; and - the most important of all: (4) revive his passion for soccer, er, football, er, soccer, er… you know what I mean.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Eric and Eric, all the way. These two are a force to be reckoned with…

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Eric Cantona is one smokin’ hot Daddeh…. Yeeahhhhhh….

MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Eric finally opening up to Lily and telling her all the things he couldn’t say to her when they were married. Sniffle…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Eric C. telling Eric B. about the most “beautiful” moment of his soccer career - which leads to a fucking amazing goal.

HOTTEST SCENE: The flashback to the game where we actually see that fucking amazing goal. Now that’s team chemistry… And also the part where Cantona draws parallels between soccer and life. Basically, the dude was reading my mind.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Eric C. be able to help Eric B. turn his life around? Will Eric B. be inspired by Eric C. and assert his authority over his rebellious kids? Or will they just continue to run roughshod over him? And what about Ryan’s decision to hang out with a local thug? How will Eric B. solve that issue? And what about Lily? Do she and Eric B. have another chance at marriage? And will Eric C. be successful in coaching Eric B. on how to win her heart? And what about Eric Cantona himself? Is he a ghost? Or a figment of Eric B.’s imagination? Or is he a representation of Eric B.‘s stronger side? And the most important question of all: is that all I have to do to have Fabio Cannavaro show up in my living room? Just make a wish? Excuse me a moment… I have some wishing to do. Ahem.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “LOOKING FOR ERIC”: If you are a fan of soccer, Eric Cantona, director Ken Loach, or movies that combine brain, humor, heart, and sports in perfectly quirky measures. And if you don’t mind your movies to have more than a dash of grit and whimsy.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “LOOKING FOR ERIC”: If none of the above applies to you. Then you’re better off watching TRANSFORMERS 1, 2, or 3 for the 54th time.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: We’ve been very fortunate lately. Our last two reviews are two very different films, but have one thing in common: they are both excellent films. The first is MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 4, the best action film I’ve seen in the last few years - and one that has single-handedly raised the bar for the genre with its dazzling blend of adrenalin, suspense, humor, and heart. The other is WE BOUGHT A ZOO, a disarmingly sweet and touching family film based on British journalist Benjamin Mee’s account of his family’s purchase and transformation of a decrepit wild-life park - and how they, in turn, transformed their lives.

Now, our next review continues that winning streak: the lovely, elegant, wise, and unique comedy/drama LOOKING FOR ERIC. Chronicling the travails of modest British postman Eric Bishop (Steve Evets) as he tries to stave off an encroaching mid-life crisis with the help of (and here’s the lovely, elegant, wise and unique part) Eric Cantona, the famed Manchester United striker who dazzled England and the world with his hypnotic combo of brash charisma, fiery athleticism, and unexpected thoughfulness. Clearly, Eric is not seeing Cantona in the flesh - but as some sort of vision. Obviously, then, some suspension of disbelief is required here.

The rules of Cinematic Suspension of Disbelief state the following: (1) set up your characters and make them sympathetic and compelling; (2) create the world of your characters; (3) set down the rules of that world, however fantastic; and (4) do your best to consistently enforce those rules. If you can do all of those things, then your film can be about furry purple creatures from Mars who are secretly controlling the World Cup through radioactive Gatorade being fed to the players, and the audience will go along for the ride. The key is great characters and a confidence in the story and world you have created for them. And, just like Eric Cantona’s signature confidence and swagger, LOOKING FOR ERIC moves with unshakable assuredness. In short, it follows the rules - and in doing so subverts expectations and wins the audience’s hearts.

It starts with the characters. We are given a riveting lead character in the form of Eric Bishop. This is a guy whose life has devolved into routine monotony. His job as a portal carrier is dull and banal, and his home life isn’t any more engaging. Without being too obvious about it, the movie gradually intimates that Eric’s problem is that he doesn’t have anything in his life that is bigger than he is - something that inspires him. The scene where Meatball, Spleen, and the rest of Eric’s pals sit around and talk about who their heroes are is a great one that sets the stage for arrival of Eric Cantona - the man whose confidence inspires Eric. And Steve Evets fearless plays all of Eric Bishop’s sides: strong, weak, and everything in between.

The movie quickly moves past the improbability of this legendary Manchester United striker appearing in Eric’s bedroom to give him some serious life advice. Director Ken Loach and writer Walt Raverty drop this plot twist on the table and basically say “Take it or leave it.” But because Eric, Lily, Ryan, Jess, Meatballs, Spleen and the rest of the characters have been vividly-drawn, and the world they inhabit so equally well-painted, we accept this development quite easily. From then on, it’s just a matter of surrendering ourselves to the ride as Cantona gradually transforms Eric’s life.

LOOKING FOR ERIC also succeeds because of its intelligent and thoughtful parallels between soccer and life. Soccer, despite its brilliance, isn’t always exciting. There are lulls and dry spells and dull spots - just like life. But then, quite unexpectedly, there are moments that simply take your breath away - when a series of seemingly indecisive and mundane passes suddenly take shape into a fierce assault that leads to a stunning goal - or a brilliant defensive save. Just like life.

Indeed, there’s a great scene where Eric asks Cantona what his most beautiful moment in soccer was - and Cantona responds that it was a pass. Eric is surprised by this, because he expected Cantona to say it was a goal. Cantona basically responds that the pass took shape and created a domino effect that brought the team together and eventually led to dynamic goal for Manchester United. It’s like I’ve always said: soccer isn’t always about the goals or the saves - and it‘s not always dynamic. But it’s also about the little moments that sing and sometimes lead to greater things. The way a small act of kindness can reverberate through time and be passed along through life, growing in magnitude as it goes.

In essence, Cantona is saying what I’ve always believed: in life and soccer, there are valleys and then there are peaks. You have to endure the former in order to get to the latter. Savor the moments of greatness while they last, and when they are gone, just have faith that they’ll come around again. This scene between Cantona and Eric never fails to take my breath away.

Also quite effective is the core love story between Eric and Lily, the wife who loved him unconditionally when they were younger - and whom he left because of his inability to adjust to married life. Now that they are much older, Eric sees the error of his ways and seeks to make amends for his past mistakes. The evolution of Eric and Lily’s relationship from guarded and wary to open and comfortable again, happens by degrees and is well-played by both Evets and Stephanie Bishop. These two have a believable chemistry that speaks of two people who have been in each other’s lives forever - in one way or another. The final shot of Eric and Lily is especially lovely, and is the perfect example of what I call the “Subtle Happy Ending”, which is often much more effective than many “Ride Off Into The Sunset Happy Endings”.

The rest of the cast is just as remarkable. Stefan Gumb and Gerard Kearns are quite good as Eric’s rebellious sons, who gradually become humbled and pay their father the respect he deserves. John Henshaw and Justin Moorhead are hilarious as Meatballs and Spleen, the ringleader of Eric’s lads from the post office. These guys best exemplify the rough-and-raunchy British humor that I love. The scene early on in the film where all the guys talk about who their heroes are is hilarious. Another great aspect of LOOKING FOR ERIC is how these guys are so fiercely loyal to Eric that they not only go out of their way to make their friend laugh in his time of need - but even go beyond the law to help him scare off a thug that has had a bad influence on his sons. This scene is both hilarious and exciting at the same time, with Meatball and Spleen and a fifty other hooligans wearing Eric Cantona masks and waving bats. Love it.

But what about Eric Cantona himself? Well, after his retirement from Manchester United and soccer in 1998/1999, Cantona went into… movies. And it’s a completely fitting career move. With his ruggedly handsome good looks, broad shoulders, and irresistible charisma, Cantona is a striking screen presence onscreen as he was on the soccer field. And since he is literally playing himself here, he is most definitely in his element. He and Steve Evets click very well, and their characters‘ “Bromance” anchors LOOKING FOR ERIC just as much as the romance between Eric and Lily does. In short, Cantona acquits himself quite well. And the guy is one fascinating conversationalist. He’s someone you can talk movies, soccer, and life with for hours. What more could you ask for in a friend? In essence, Cantona is Eric's "Guardian Angel" - and we should all be lucky enough to have one as funny, smart, brave, and loyal as him.

In the end, LOOKING FOR ERIC is a sweet movie that combines a Bromance with a more conventional romance. In fact, every time I hear one of my favorite songs, I think of this movie because the song would’ve been perfect for the soundtrack. The song is “I Don’t Want To Live Without You” by Greg Tripp. And it perfectly captures the flavor of Eric’s rekindled romance with Lily, but also his deep friendship with his hero, Eric Cantona. Or as a friend said to me recently: “I can live without you - but I don’t want to.” I actually teared up, I’m not ashamed to say.

So, this song goes out to Eric, Lily, Cantona, and to all the friends, family, and lovers out there who have traveled great distances - whether across miles of geography or miles of the heart - to reunite with one another and be together for the Holidays. Long may we reign… Oh, and this also goes out to my favorite soccer team, SSC Napoli - to celebrate their stunning 6-1 victory over Genoa recently - which has helped their Serie A profile… Brought tears to my eyes… No one could ever take your place in my heart, guys. Viva Napoli! Buon Natale, mi fratellos…

NEWSFLASH: Trailer # 2 for THE DARK KNIGHT RISES goes wide...

2011-12-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES Second Trailer has been released - and, boy, does it look great. Elegant, ominous, chilly, scary - with tantalizing glimpses of sexy good/bad girl Selena Kyle (AKA Catwoman) played by Anne Hathaway (but should've been played by me, damn it!), new villain Bane played by Tom Hardy, potential love interest Miranda Tate played by Marion Cotillard, and a bravura sequence where an entire football field is leveled by an explosion.

See? Should've played soccer instead, guys...

# 400 - WE BOUGHT A ZOO (2011)

2011-12-20T22:13:00.000-08:00

WE BOUGHT A ZOO (2011) ****1/2 out of *****

(If that‘s not The Impulse Buy To End All Impulse Buys, I don‘t know what is…)

CAST: Matt Damon, Scarlett Johanssen, Thomas Haden Church, Collin Ford, Maggie Elizabeth Jones, Elle Fanning, Patrick Fugit, Angus McFadyen,

DIRECTOR: Cameron Crowe

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to count to ten - maybe a million - before buying real estate with 47 species of animals on it - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Journalist Benjamin Mee (Matt Damon) is adrift following the death of his beautiful wife Katherine (Stephanie Szostak), and so are his kids, Dylan and Rosie (Collin Ford and Maggie Elizabeth Jones). Wanting to give them all a fresh start, he buys a… zoo. Yes, folks. A zoo. A place with caged animals. Only the animals don’t like the term “cage” - so sayeth Kelly Foster (Scarlett Johanssen), head zookeeper. According to her, the term “enclosure” is more acceptable. Whatever. The point is this: Benjamin must now not only be a single dad with two kids, but he must also assume the role of Big Daddy to 47 fucking species of animals roaming their back yard - including what appears to be the entire live-action cast of MADAGASCAR. Compared to Benjie‘s purchase, the decision of Frances Mayes (Diane Lane) to impulsively buy that Italian villa in UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN seems downright well-planned and carefully thought out. At least she’s surrounded by hot Italian people - and not… zebras. Good move, Ben.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Benjamin all the way, baby. Then there’s Kelly, the straight-talking zookeeper who makes the resident tiger look like a lazy stoner cat who can’t get his face out of the mound of catnip I buy him on a weekly basis. Not that I own any cats like that. Ahem.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: This is a family movie and I just don’t feel it’s appropriate to discuss who among the cast is attractive enough to make the audience horny. But if you were to put a gun to my head and scream: “TALK, GODDAMNIT!!!”, then I’m afraid I would have no choice but to respond: “OKAY! OKAY! MATT DAMON! DON’T SHOOT ME!”

MOST INTENTIONALLY TOUCHING SCENE: Dylan passing by the zoo’s main building - and seeing Lily’s sweet message to him on the neon sign. Not gonna spoil it - but one word to describe it: “Awwwwwwwwwwwww…”

MOST INTENTIONALLY SIDE-SPLITTING SCENE: When Benjamin, Rosie, and Dylan first meet Kelly and the rest of the zoo crew. At that point it becomes quite clear that Benjamin knows as much about running a zoo as veteran prostitute does about celibacy. The look of doom that falls across Kelly’s face as she obviously thinks to herself “This guy is our new boss?” is absolutely priceless.

HOTTEST SCENE: Again, this is a family movie, and I would feel very uncomfortable answering that question. But, again, if you were to put a gun to my head and scream at me: “GODDAMNIT, WE’RE GETTING TIRED OF THIS SWEET AND DEMURE BULLSHIT! YOU’RE A WHORE! YOU’RE NOT KIDDING ANYONE! NOW TELL US WHAT THE FUCKING HOTTEST SCENE IS!” then I’m afraid I would have no choice but to say “ANY SCENE WITH MATT DAMON WEARING BLUE JEANS! AND ANY SCENE WITH MATT DAMON WEARING REGULAR PANTS! AND ANY SCENE WITH MATT DAMON - PERIOD. NOW, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!”

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… did Benjamin fuck up royally by blowing his life savings on the zoo? Oh, excuse me… Did Benjamin fuck up royally by blowing his life savings on the, ahem, “Wildlife Park”? Is Kelly right when she says if he doesn’t get his shit together, the animals, the crew, and Benjamin’s family will all be on the street? Or does Benjamin have some zoo-keeping skills that even he doesn’t know about? Will Kelly and Benjamin fall in love? Will Dylan and Lily fall in love? Will one of the tigers fuck a zebra and spawn a goofy-looking black-and-white creature called a…. Tigra? Maybe in the sequel…

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “WE BOUGHT A ZOO”: If you like director Cameron Crowe, and his distinctive kind of feel-good flick, among which are ALMOST FAMOUS, SAY ANYHING, JERRY MAGUIRE, and ELIZABETHTOWN. And if you are a fan of Matt Damon. And if you are fan of zoos. And if you are fan of movies that pretty much tell you whole story in the trailer - but can’t resist their pull anyway.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “WE BOUGHT A ZOO”: If none of the above applies to you. Then take your ass to MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 4, which is an excellent film, but doesn’t feature any jungle cats. Unless you count Paula Patton, who is like a deadly panther in a silk evening gown. Work that killer instinct, girl…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: At the beginning of this review, I jokingly compared WE BOUGHT A ZOO to UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN. However, all kidding aside, the comparison is actually quite apt, since both films are based on bestselling memoirs that were altered somewhat in the process of bringing them to the silver screen.

The book version of UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN revolved around real-life San Francisco writer Frances Mayes, who bought a villa in Tuscany after a careful search - and remodeled it with her husband. Essentially, Mayes wrote a sensual and atmospheric chronicle of their project, as well as how they fell even more in love with Italy - arguably the most beautiful country in the world - in the process. But in transferring the book to the screen, it was necessary for the filmmakers to give a more dramatic structure and conflict to the narrative. The result? Frances Mayes became a broken-hearted divorcee who goes on a gay tour of Tuscany - and buys the villa quite impulsively. In essence, what was a languid meditation on all lovely things Italian, became a more movie-audience-friendly romantic comedy.

Similarly, WE BOUGHT A ZOO is based on a bestselling memoir. It was written by British journalist Benjamin Mee, who bought a wildlife park in England with his family (including his brother and mother). Sadly, after they moved into the park, Mee’s wife had a cancer relapse and eventually passed away. Inspired by her memory, Mee and his family became determined to make the zoo a success - and they did. Hence the bestselling memoir. In bringing this remarkable story to the screen, as with UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN and its literary foundation, co-writer/director Cameron Crowe makes some changes, the major one being Benjamin Mee’s nationality. Although he is still a journalist, Mee is now an American in the movie. He still has two children, as in the book, but his wife passes away before the zoo is purchased. In fact, it’s her untimely death and his despondency over it is what eventually leads him to purchase the wildlife park.

But the similarities between WE BOUGHT A ZOO and UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN don’t stop there. While the films have settings that are a world apart, their fundamental story is one and the same: an emotionally damaged individual impulsively purchases some property, and in renovating and rebuilding it, he/she finds healing and rebirth. The story beats are almost exactly the same, and that is a good thing in my opinion. I love UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN despite its sometimes improbable story details, and appreciated its “heal yourself before sharing yourself with others” message. While the fact that it’s set in Italy (my favorite country in the world) is a plus, it’s UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN’s universal theme of redemption that clinches it as a favorite for me. Frances Mayes (the movie version) changed her life in step with the remodel of the villa.

The same thing occurs in WE BOUGHT A ZOO. Benjamin Mee is pretty much leveled by the passing of his wife Katherine, but has to be strong for the sake of his kids. When his droll brother Duncan advised him to “start over” that’s exactly what Benjamin does. And just as Frances’ life improved the more she revived her villa, so too does Benjamin’s family regain their footing with the gradual rebirth of the zoo. And Matt Damon does a terrific job of charting Benjamin’s journey from lost, grieving husband to assured, healed family man. Damon is an interesting choice for this role, because he has specialized in playing characters that do not wear rose-colored glasses. Benjamin, on the other hand, is someone who always seems to have a pair close by. You could almost say that Damon is cast against type here, but as with a lot of against-type casting, he makes it work beautifully.

Scarlett Johanssen is good as Kelly Foster, and makes the character into an appealing ally for Benjamin. Johanssen vividly shows Kelly’s gradual arc from seriously doubting him - to becoming his staunchest defender and supporter. She and Damon have a nice easy chemistry that is just right - not too hot (this is a family film, after all, not BASIC INSTINCT), but not too tepid or cool either, otherwise Benjamin and Kelly’s interactions would be uninteresting to watch. Good, solid work from Johanssen.

Collin Ford is also well-cast as Mee’s son Dylan, and Elle Fanning is a perfect match for him as the sweet Lily. The scene where she displays that message to him on the Zoo’s neon sign is my favorite in the whole film. This is matched by the scene where Benjamin counsels Dylan on how to proceed with Lily’s courtship: “All you need is twenty seconds of insane courage - and I promise you great things will come of it.” Something about the way Damon delivers this line just gets to you. And Ford matches him in all of their scenes, with the right fervor.

Thomas Haden Church is a dryly funny delight as Benjamin’s older brother Duncan, and he is the “reality check” that the more dreamy-minded and starry-eyed Benjamin needs. As good as these actors are, though, the show is nearly stolen from them by Maggie Elizabeth Jones as Benjamin’s precious and precocious daughter Rosie. Jones is such a warm and endearing presence that we smiled every time she walked in frame. Her interactions not only with the other characters, but also with the animals, are a joy to watch.

Speaking of the animals, they are just as much characters as the humans are - each with quirks and foibles of their own. My favorite animal scenes involve the bear and the tiger. There’s a lovely scene where Benjamin quietly studies the tiger in his enclosure, and without words, Damon puts forth very clearly the notion of man and beast bonding. Indeed, another message imparted by WE BOUGHT A ZOO (besides redemption and rebirth) could be that taking care of animals actually makes us more human. As the owner of two lovable and quirky cats, I can certainly say that there is some truth to that - I can’t imagine life without them.

In the end, WE BOUGHT A ZOO is lovely, unique film about a family man and his family, and how they find their way back to the light - through the most unexpected of paths. If you only see one Christmas movie this year - see this one…

UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR 12/19/11 - 1/8/12

2011-12-18T22:35:00.000-08:00

Hello, all...

Hope everyone had a terrific weekend. It's just one more week before X-mas and I can't wait. Hope everyone is similarly enthusiastic about the holidays. With that in mind, please find below my review assignments for the next 2.5 weeks.

Also, please note that the reviews for the wonderful soccer film LOOKING FOR ERIC and the decent THE LAKE HOUSE will post by Tuesday evening.

Have a great week, folks. Buon Natale...

# 402 - BLACK CHRISTMAS (AKA Fear The Crappy Remakes)

# 403 - HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE (AKA Munchies, Munchies, Munchies)

# 404 - THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST (AKA Tread Carefully, All Ye Who Enter Here)

# 405 - PRETTY WOMAN (AKA Poster Girl For Prostitution)

# 406 - HOME ALONE (AKA Macaulay Culkin Is Born)

# 407 - TERROR TRAIN (AKA Frat Party On A Train On New Year's Goes Bad)

# 408 - HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY (AKA Munchies In Detention)

# 409 - SUNSHINE (AKA Chris Evans Saves The Day, er, The Sun)

# 410 - HOME ALONE 2 (AKA Macaulay Culkin Is Reborn)

# 411 - THE DESCENDANTS (AKA Pretty Strong Argument For Settling in Hawaii)

# 412 - HAROLD AND KUMAR'S CHRISTMAS (AKA All I Want For Christmas Is My Bong)

# 413 - BELLA (AKA Soccer Meets LOST IN TRANSLATION)

# 414 - THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (AKA Smilla's Sense of Sadism)

# 415 - YOUNG ADULT (AKA Bitch - The Movie)

# 416 - THE DARKEST HOUR (AKA Pretty Strong Argument For Staying Home)

# 417 - A CHRISTMAS CAROL (AKA Scrooge You!)

Please note that the order of the reviews may or may not change depending on which assignments I finish first. Please expect occasional lags between reviews (no more than two days) because of my duties related to the soccer/World Cup 2014 blog. Things are heating up on that side.

Ciao, folks...

# 399 - MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4: GHOST PROTOCOL (2011)

2011-12-18T20:04:00.001-08:00

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4: GHOST PROTOCOL) ****1/2 out of *****

(Wow, Ethan… you were amazing. Again. Can I have a cigarette now?)

CAST: Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton, Mikael Nyquist, Lea Seydoux, Josh Holloway, Vladimir Mashkov, Samuli Edelman, Anil Kapoor.

DIRECTOR: Brad Bird

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to never go up in a skyscraper ever again - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: At the end of the M:I 3, we found secret agent Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his wife Julia (Michelle Monaghan) riding off into the sunset after Ethan rescued her from some particularly scummy baddies. Well, turns out they shouldn’t have celebrated too soon because at the start of M:I 4, we find out that: (1) Julia was soon murdered by a bunch of bat-shit Serbians, (2) Ethan tracked them down and killed each of them for revenge; and (3) he was imprisoned in a Croatian jail as punishment. So, basically, we’re looking at another version of ALIENS and ALIEN 3. As in: the awesome happy ending of the previous movie turns out be just a prelude for the very fucked-up beginning of the next one. Talk about a short honeymoon.

Anyhow, Ethan is soon sprung from the jail by two fellow agents: (1) Benji Dunn (Simon Pegg), IT expert from the last movie who, in a sure sign that the world is coming to a ghastly end, is now a field agent; and (2) Jane Carter (Paula Patton), ultra-gorgeous and exotic brunette who is the poster girl for the saying “If Looks Could Kill.” Before you know it, these three are embroiled in a Kremlin op meant to extract some top secret files. But when the op goes south like the Titanic, the entire IMF is disavowed - leaving Ethan, Benji, Jane, and new team member Brant (Jeremy Renner) to figure out what the hell is going on - and what the fuck the new bad guy Hendriks (Mikael Nyquist) wants. Good luck with that, guys and gal. Me? I’m going to sit back and watch your fine bods for a couple of hours as you work this shit out.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Ethan, Benji, Jane, and Brant all get their chance to shine. So, this award goes to the whole team.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Tom Cruise is super-fine, especially since he turns 50 soon and looks barely past 30. Jeremy Renner is a great team addition, and looks a lot like Daniel Craig‘s little brother. Paula Patton and Lea Seydoux as French assassin Sabine Moreau represent the fairer sex very nicely. Meanwhile, Simon Pegg has got that “lovable dork” thing going. Again, this award goes to the team.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Ethan trying to break into the server room of the tallest building in the world - from the outside. Did I mention the server room is on the 130th floor? No? Well, it is. Get the barf bag ready.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Jane and Sabine going mano-a-mano. It‘s like Jason Bourne squaring off against James Bond - except they‘re hot chicks.

HOTTEST SCENE: Jane infiltrating a party and seducing an Indian billionaire - by using my patented “Shove a grape in your mouth suggestively while giving him serious bedroom eyes then turn away coyly” technique. Jane, girl, you owe me for this one.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: What exactly is our baddie up to? Is he trying to start World War 3, just like Ethan suspects? Or does he have something more nefarious in mind? What could be more nefarious than World War 3? What secret does Brant have in his past that might affect Ethan and the rest of the team? Will Benji’s electronic equipment be able to save the day? Or will they conk out at the worst possible time? Will Jane be able to freeze her rage at Sabine for killing her boyfriend? Or will she unleash that shit and kick some French assassin ass? Well, you guys saw their catfight pic above. What do you think?

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “M:I 4”: If you liked M1:3, because this film continues that movie’s cool mix of dynamic action, dry humor, and touching depth - then amplifies it by ten.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “M:I 4”: If you don’t particularly care for the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies. Or if you just don’t like action movies that will dazzle you. In which case, please go watch THE REMAINS OF THE DAY.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: After the very good film that was MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 3, I wasn’t sure how the series would top itself. In my view, M:I 3 had a lot going for it: a perfect cast, great action, top suspense, and a personal touch courtesy of the subplot showing Ethan Hunt’s complicated marriage - or rather, the complicated issues surrounding it, such as his secret life as a spy. As good as the original M:I was, it was also just a tad chilly and impersonal, giving M:I 3 the edge in the quality department. We’re not even going to discuss M:I 2, except to say that it was a necessary off-moment in the series that had to happen, so that we could realize what we really want in an M:I film.

In fact, M:I 3 was so enjoyable, that I was afraid the next entry to the series would somehow revert to the grandiose histrionics of the second film. How could M:I 4 top M:I 3? There could only be one way to go: down. My apprehension was further stoked by the trailers which, while exciting, just didn’t grab me as much as I though they would. They just didn’t seem as intriguing as the trailers for M:I 3, even with tantalizing glimpses of new team members Paula Patton and Jeremy Renner in action. Put simply, I was steeling myself for disappointment.

Turns out I needn’t have worried. Put equally simply, MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 4 is an excellent action film, even better - if you can imagine - than the third one. This film is near-perfect and will have you gripping the arm rests of your seat with tension and excitement, especially with those IMAX-enhanced action scenes at the Burk Khalifa tower in Dubai, and the climactic battle in a Mumbai parking garage. But even the less action-intensive sequences have the same kinetic kick to them, such as the “double hand-off” scenes where Jane impersonates Sabine, and Ethan and Brant impersonate the baddies, in a tricky and deadly game of dual deception. You have to see them yourself to fully appreciate their graceful execution.

There’s a distinctive Hitchcockian feel to these setpieces that harkens back to the original film. But this time, director Brad Bird combines the chilly precision of M:I 1 with the warm accessibility of M:1 3, and ends up making a film that is better than both. Basically, this film combines all the good things about the films that preceded it. And what good thing does M:I 4 take from M:I 2? Well, there’s Ethan’s great longer haircut. And I’m not kidding. With it, Ethan has never looked better - and the great thing is Cruise plays him as down-to-Earth and accessible despite his stunning good looks. And I should add that for a man who is turning 50 soon, Cruise looks terrific. We should all age so well.

The rest of the team is similarly strong. As Benji Dunn, Simon Pegg could’ve easily overstayed his comic relief welcome from the last film, but wisely uses droll British understatement to keep his humorous presence fresh. He gets a bigger role this time around, and he deserves it. Benji also gets a nice setpiece where he finally is allowed to wield a gun, and he does it smashingly. It’s about time he was given an opportunity to be a field agent. I hope to see more of him in the next film.

I’ve been a huge fan of Paula Patton since I saw her a few years ago in DÉJÀ VU. As Denzel Washington’s ethereal love interest in that film, she was simply unforgettable. Here, she is much more deadly and athletic, but with some of the same vulnerability that made her so hypnotic to watch in DEJA VU. Jane Carter is a highly-skilled and highly-lethal agent, but Patton and the script always keep her humanity visible. This is accentuated by her losing her lover and fellow agent Hanaway, played by Josh Holloway in a small but vivid role. Jane spends the rest of the movie trying to keep a cool control on her desire for revenge against Sabine, the slinky French assassin responsible for Hanaway’s death. And when the expected battle between Jane and Sabine arrives, it ends up being a very dynamic encounter. Suffice it to say, Sabine gets what’s coming to her - and Patton nails both the scene and her character of Jane Carter, overall.

Another terrific newcomer is Oscar Nominee Jeremy Renner as Brant, the IMF analyst who may or may not be hiding some secrets concerning Ethan. Renner brings a no-nonsense aura to this role, while also blending in a certain mystery. The result is a character that is appealingly approachable, but also just a little bit aloof and distant. And when we find out later on the reason for his secrecy, it ends up giving M:I 4 added gravity and depth. Renner also nails his action scenes and stunts, exhibiting a cat-like grace and lethality - it’s like watching a lion defend his cubs. He also gets the film’s best line: after nearly getting killed in a particularly harrowing stunt designed to help Jane infiltrate the party in Mumbai, a breathless Brant snaps to Benji: “Next time, I get to seduce the rich guy!” The whole theater burst out into laughter at this point - and this line typifies M:1 4’s intriguing clever blend of danger, humor, suspense, and humanity.

As the main villain Hendriks, Mikael Nyquist is particularly formidable. He doesn’t get much dialogue to expound upon his deadly agenda of nuclear annihilation, but he doesn’t need it. Nyquist projects menace and foreboding with simple facial expressions and bodily movements. It’s a welcome change from the chatty villains of previous films. Sometimes, the quieter the villain, the deadlier they are. In this case, that is entirely true: Hendriks know what he is doing, and doesn’t need to share it with the world until it’s too late - which makes him even more frightening. Nyquist makes him a solid adversary in the classic old-school tradition.

Then there’s the other major female character in the film, the elusive French killer Sabine Moreau. As played by Lea Seydoux, Sabine looks as innocent as the girl next door - when in reality she is a cold-blooded killer. This deceptive façade is what allows her to get the jump on Hanaway in the beginning, and it also lends a chill to her encounter with Ethan and Brant in the Dubai skyscraper during the crucial handoff scene. Seydoux’s ability to mask malicious intent behind a placid smile is what makes her villainess so memorable despite her relatively small screen time. Good job.

In the end, MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 4 is a cinematic experience not to be missed, especially in IMAX. I can’t remember the last time we were gripped by action sequences and suspense setpieces that left our stomachs in knots with anticipation. You know what happened with this movie’s release? The bar for action films was just raised. Action movie directors out there, take note…

Bravo, Tom and the rest of the gang…

# 398 - THE SITTER (2011)

2011-12-18T14:00:00.001-08:00

THE SITTER (2011 - COMEDY) ***1/2 out of *****

(Now this is the kind of babysitter I would be - which is probably why I rarely ever get asked to babysit...)

CAST: Jonah Hill, Ari Graynor, Max Record, Landry Bender, Kylie Bunbury, Kevin Hernandez, Erin Daniels, D.W. Moffett.

DIRECTOR: David Gordon Green

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to never babysit - ever… straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Imagine, if you will, that Eric Cartman, everyone’s favorite profane and politically incorrect jackass from the TV series SOUTH PARK, came to life and assumed the identity of Noah Griffith, a guy who looks a hell of a lot like Jonah Hill. Imagine Eric/Noah shows up at your doorstep to babysit your three kids: (1) Slater (Max Record), introverted worrywart; (2) Blithe (Landry Bender), extroverted future Paris Hilton; and (3) Rodrigo (Kevin Hernandez), psychotic foster child from El Salvador who is a gang-warfare statistic just waiting to happen. Now imagine Noah takes Slater, Blithe, and Rodrigo into big bad NYC without your knowledge - just so he can hook-up with super-whore girlfriend Marisa Lewis (Ari Graynor). Only they run into such scary obstacles as: (1) a wacko coke dealer named Karl (Sam Rockwell), who just might be the most bizarre drug dealer in the Northern Hemisphere; (2) a wacko former high school classmate of Noah’s named Tina (Samira Wiley), who is still pissed off (wonder why?) because Noah got drunk at one of her parties - and puked in the urn with her grandmother’s ashes (yes); and (3) the wacko kids themselves, who must have mug shots hanging on the wall of the National Babysitters Association Headquarters - and bounties on their heads from the same. Imagine Noah has to put up with all of this, try to fuck Marisa, and get the kids back home in time for the bedtime. Now stop imagining. Because this is getting scary.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: He may appear to be a sub-human choad, but Noah is actually pretty smart and resourceful. Then again, Cartman used to surprise us all the time on SOUTH PARK, right? So, there you go…

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Call me sick, but Jonah Hill brings some swagger to the role that makes you forget that he’s kind of, um, hefty. And this confidence kind of makes him look like a short, tubby Kevin Costner. Then again, he did slim down after this role, so it‘s all good! See below:

MOST INTENTIONALLY FUNNY SCENE: Jonah laying down the rules to Blithe in their initial meeting. Which results in Jonah getting a mouthful of perfume. Which pisses him off. Seriously, dude - relax. There are worse mouthfuls to be had - for you, anyway. Ahem.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY SCENE: Jonah making amends to Tina for puking on her grandmother’s ashes - by offering his face up as a punching bag. Let’s just say that Tina makes like Manny Pacquiao with estrogen. Not good.

HOTTEST SCENE: Anytime Noah summons up his balls (figuratively speaking) and stands up for either himself or the kids. Underneath all that blubber is a real man.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: How will Noah’s night on the town with the kids turn out? Will he be able to hook up with Marisa? Or will he get the kids killed trying? Is Marisa all that anyway? Why doesn’t Noah just go for his old friend Roxanne (Kylie Bunbury)? And how will Marisa react? For that matter, how will the kids react to the fact that their sitter is dragging them along on what is essentially a drawn-out booty call? How will this all end? HOW!?!?

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WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE SITTER”: If you liked the source movie from the 80’s titled ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING - and if you don’t mind the concept being taken into far raunchier, but yet also unexpectedly sweeter territory. And if you like Jonah Hill.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE SITTER”: If you never saw ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, or just didn’t like it. And if you don’t like raunchy humor - especially being spouted by kids. If so, be warned.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: In 1987, the Elisabeth Shue vehicle ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING was released and did solid business to the tune of $34+ million in the U.S. and Canada. Good box-office for the time and for such a relatively small film. Needless to say, ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is considered a success. And as such, with the current remake/reboot craze, it was only a matter of time before someone got the idea to update it for the 21st century.

You’d think that the remake would hew closely to the successful formula of the original film. That is, a young woman finds herself having to trek into the big city with her wards in tow, to save a friend who is stranded downtown. I envisioned someone like Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, or Leighton Meester taking on the lead role that Elisabeth Shue made so memorable. The producers of THE SITTER, however, subverted everyone’s expectations by turning the protagonist into a male - and a slacker at that. Noah Griffith is not the pulled-together and polished tough cookie that Chris Parker was. Instead, he’s the diametrical opposite - and filled with many contradictions, which makes him more interesting than Chris ever was.

Indeed, while THE SITTER may come across as yet another crass, raunchy youth comedy, it is filled with many moments of surprising depth and poignancy. So much so that we often glanced at one another in surprise. This isn’t surprising since the director of this film is David Gordon Green, who directed the lovely and heartbreaking ALL THE REAL GIRLS, which was a very realistic chronicle of a young man who gets his heart broken for real - for the very first time. Green also directed THE PINEAPPLE EXPRESS, which is close to the pinnacle of raunchy comedies, and this aids THE SITTER’s humor immensely. However, it’s Green’s experience with the far more serious and haunting ALL THE REAL GIRLS that appears to give THE SITTER some unexpected nuance and feeling. It’s a pleasant surprise.

It didn’t start out that way, though. In fact, until about the start of the second act, I wasn’t sure if THE SITTER would rate as more than an average comedy. It was funny enough, but there just wasn’t anything special about it - yet. Then the characters started to deepen somewhat, especially Noah Griffith. Jonah Hill does a great job of showing the maturity just waiting to bloom under Noah’s “DUDE!!!” exterior. Hill has been garnering a lot of buzz since his relatively straight turn as Brad Pitt’s right hand in MONEYBALL, and he shows here, in the most unexpected of movies, that he’s got what it takes to eventually be a leading man in other kinds of films. Take a look at the scene between Noah and his estranged father - it’s a surprisingly serious scene that instantly elevates this movie to a whole new level. After that scene, the movie gets much better. And it’s due mainly to Jonah Hill’s ability to be tough and tender, naïve and wise, brave and scared - all at the same time. Love this guy.

The rest of the main cast is also well-chosen. Max Record turns Slater into a very distinctive character, while keeping him believable as a real adolescent - and not some pre-fab movie kid character. I don’t want to SPOIL anything, but one of the film’s two best scenes is when Noah counsels the fretting Slater while sitting next to a river - and helps him with a very, very important realization. You’ll see. Great, great scene that I would not have expected to see in this kind of film.

As for the other two kids, Kevin Hernandez bravely portrays Rodrigo with a lot of sharp edges. It almost got to the point where I was wondering if the character would ever lighten up. Fortunately, as with the other characters, Rodrigo is given his own set of layers to be peeled back - and we eventually get to see them. Hernandez makes the role vivid and unique - and one of the funniest images in the whole movie belongs to him: two words - broken glass and dust pan. You’ll see.

Then there’s Landry Bender as the adorable Blithe, who reminds me of a lot of kids who are too eager to grow up before their time. They don’ realize just how important it is for them to enjoy and experience childhood - before facing the inevitable task of growing up. Noah helps Blithe understand this, and the other best scene in the film is their little talk in the Minivan at the very end of the film. Among the other things that Noah shares with Blithe in this scene, he also tells her the meaning of her name in the Bible - which is “Joy.” Awesome scene.

The relative complexity extends to some of the supporting characters, as well. Ari Graynor was a solid presence in the recent Anna Farris/Chris Evans rom-com WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?, and she delivers a completely different character here: the Girlfriend From Hell. However, Graynor and the script don’t settle for a one-note cartoon - and give Marisa multiple shadings that reveal her fragility. You can’t help but feel sorry for her, instead of just disliking her. The same goes for Sam Rockwell’s villainous drug lord Chaz. Another director and actor might’ve played up the character’s menace, but Green and Rockwell emphasize his quirkiness without losing his ability to be threatening.

I never would’ve thought I’d be using words like “layers” and “vulnerability” and “complexity” when writing THE SITTER’s review. Especially since the trailers were so blue with raunch and crassness. But, as I’ve always said time and time again: “Just like you can’t judge someone by their mistakes, or a book by its cover, you can’t judge a movie by its trailer.” You can’t assume a movie is going to be a great flick just because of its previews. This sometimes leads to unpleasant surprises and disappointments when the movies turn out to be average or mediocre (NIGHTS IN RODANTHE, SORORITY BOYS). In the case of THE SITTER, though, the seemingly crass trailers eventually reveal a film that is unexpectedly deep and touching - while still being very funny. And I still can’t believe I’ve typed that… Like I said, it was a pleasant surprise.

# 397 - NEW YEAR’S EVE (2011)

2011-12-17T23:11:00.001-08:00

NEW YEAR’S EVE (2011 - ROMANTIC COMEDY) *** out of *****

(I know who I‘m kissing when that ball drops….)

CAST: Halle Berry, Robert DeNiro, Josh Duhamel, Hector Elizondo, Katherine Heigl, Jon Bon Jovi, Abigail Breslin, Jessica Biel, Til Schweiger, Seth Meyers, Carla Gugino, Alyssa Millano, Michelle Pfeiffer, Zach Efron, Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Sofia Vergara, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges.

DIRECTOR: Garry Marshall

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to party-hardy on New Year’s Eve - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Turned on by VALENTINE’S DAY’s $55+ million weekend opening last year, the producers and director of that ensemble-rom-com flick decided to give another holiday the same treatment. As in, tell a dozen or so love stories in one single night - and the special day they chose was… Groundhog Day. Nope, kidding. Obviously. Otherwise, this flick would’ve been called GROUNDHOG DAY, and we already know there’s a movie with that title. Nope, the holiday in question this time is… New Year’s Eve. And we follow a bunch of beautiful people in Manhattan as the hours tick away to the ball-dropping event in Times Square. And I don’t mean that kind of balls, memo to the perverts out there. Yours truly included.

Anyhow, our list of beautiful people include (but are not limited to): (1) Aimee (Halle Berry), a caring nurse who may or may not have special plans for midnight; (2) Stan (Robert DeNiro), an ailing patient who has some loose personal ends to tie up; (3) Claire (Hilary Swank), frazzled VP of the Times Square Association whose job it is to ensure that ball drops successfully at midnight - or else; (4) Sam (Josh Duhamel), dashing dude who met “the one” last New Year’s Eve and hopes to hook up with her tonight; (5) Kim (Sarah Jessica Parker), single mom dealing with a rebellious daughter; (6) Hailey (Abigail Breslin), Kim’s aforementioned rebellious daughter; (7) Laura (Katherine Heigl), frazzled chef who’s still trying to get over the ex who ran out on her; (8) Jensen (Jon Bon Jovi), Laura’s aforementioned ex who ran out on her, but now wants back in; (9) Randy (Ashton Kutcher), posturing hipster who gets locked in an elevator with Jensen’s back-up singer; (10) Elise (Lea Michele), aforementioned back-up singer of Jensen’s whose grave misfortune it is to be trapped in that elevator with Randy; (11) Ingrid (Michelle Pfeiffer), lonely and sad secretary who quits her job on New Year’s Eve and bribes a young bike messenger with party tickets to make her New Year’s Resolutions come true; (12) Paul (Zac Efron), young messenger whose task it is to make Ingrid’s wishes come true; and (13) Ryan Seacrest (uh, Ryan Seacrest), overly-gelled and overly-fake-tanned host of the Times Square New Year’s Eve Time Square Extravaganza. Or, rather, the New Year’s Eve Times Square Train Wreck, if that malfunctioning ball doesn’t get fixed in time. Bottom’s up!

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Kaminski (Hector Elizondo), the near-legendary electrician who is tasked with fixing the sputtering Times Square ball. Because, let’s face it: if that ball doesn’t drop, the world as we know it will surely end.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: The entire cast is hot. But my faves are Josh Duhamel and Michelle Pfeiffer. These two win the King and Queen of New Year’s Eve award.

BEST PLOT THREAD: Ingrid and Paul’s storyline. Yes, she’s old enough to be his mother, and, yes, he’s young enough to be her son, but they’re more like friends, truthfully. And their platonic relationship still trumps all the romantic ones next to it. By a mile. Love these two (and the actors playing them - Michelle and Zac rock!).

WORST PLOT THREAD: Easy. The one with Randy and Elise locked in the elevator. Bo-ring. Ashton Kutcher plus Lea Michele plus Being Miscast equals Chinese Water Torture. Even if their scenes are only a couple minutes long each. Feels like an eternity. Worst fucking couple in the movie.

HOTTEST SCENE: Anytime Ingrid and Paul are onscreen. Like I said, I know these two are more friendly than romantic, but their storyline is the most alive and vibrant out of all the storylines in this crowded movie. Oh, a close second is the scene at the end where Sam finally meets “The One” - and we finally find out who this mysterious chick is.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… how will New Year’s Eve turn out for our large cast of characters? Will Paul succeed in realizing all of Ingrid’s resolutions? Will Claire succeed in ensuring the Times Square party goes off without a hitch? Will Kaminski succeed in fixing that damn ball? Will Kim allow Hailey to party with her friends, unsupervised? Will Laura forgive Jensen and let him back into her heart? Will Sam give in to his heart and meet “The One” like he promised he would? Who is she anyway? Aimee? Claire? Kim? Ryan Seacrest? And the most vital question of all: will Randy and Elise do us all a favor and jump down that fucking elevator shaft already? And will someone please give Paul and Ingrid their own movie? Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “NEW YEAR‘S EVE”: If you liked LOVE ACTUALLY and VALENTINE’S DAY, and don’t mind your romantic comedies to be overstuffed with plot threads and characters. And if you love the holiday of New Year’s Eve - like I do. Par-tay!

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “NEW YEAR‘S EVE”: If you didn’t like LOVE ACTUALLY and VALENTINE’S DAY. Or if you like your romantic comedies to tackle one love story at a time. And if you hate the holiday of New Year’s Eve. If so, I ask: why?

BUT, SERIOUSLY: In 2003, the British film LOVE ACTUALLY was released and did solid business here in the States - especially with its R rating. Tracing the love lives of a dozen or so Londoners in the weeks leading up to Christmas, LOVE ACTUALLY managed to sidestep the potential pitfall of being too saccharine or precious - especially with that many romantic plot threads competing for attention. A lot of that film’s success had to do with writer/director Richard Curtis’s uncanny ability to be both snarky and sweet without those qualities canceling each other out. That’s a “lightning-in-a-bottle” gift, because it keeps the romance grounded enough to feel real, but also powerful enough to soar.

Indeed, the best threads of LOVE ACTUALLY were the ones that combined frosty drollness and warm emotion to perfect degrees: (1) Jaime (Colin Firth) slowly falling in love with his Portuguese cleaning lady Aurelia (Lucia Moniz) despite their inability to speak each other’s language; (2) Karen (Emma Thompson) finding out in a single moment that her loving husband Harry (Alan Rickman) is contemplating messing around with his secretary Mia (Heike Makatsch); and - the best one: (3) Mark (Andrew Lincoln), ignoring his best friend’s fiancee, Juliet (Keira Knightley), and treating her so coldly that she becomes convinced that Mark hates her - when, in fact, the opposite is true: he’s deeply in love with her, but knows he can never have her so he distances himself to protect his heart. Bottom line: Curtis imbues these story threads with enough acid to make the emotional pay-offs all the more satisfying. Especially the one where Juliet discovers via her wedding tape that the seemingly-icy Mark actually loves her: all of the shots and angles on the tape he shot are centered on her. Best scene in the whole movie.

VALENTINE’S DAY and NEW YEAR’S EVE are basically American attempts to recreate LOVE ACTUALLY’s successful template. Do they succeed? Well, frankly: yes - to a certain degree. They succeed in the sense that they don’t embarrass themselves. But they do not come close to approaching LOVE ACTUALLY’s striking blend of grounded wryness and soaring emotions. Instead, we get sit-com style jokes and many pat romantic storylines - especially with VALENTINE’S DAY. I actually like NEW YEAR’S EVE a little more than VALENTINE’S DAY, because it focuses on more than just romantic love, and other types of loves, and gives us some threads that are quite intriguing and atypical. There’s also an energy to NEW YEAR’S EVE that carries it over some rough spots and dull sub-plots, and guides it to a solid finale.

Speaking of dull sub-plots, it’s a given with a movie that juggles so many plot threads that some of them are going to disappoint. The most banal thread in NEW YEAR’S EVE is the one that follows Ashton Kutcher’s cynical hipster Randy and Lea Michele’s whiny back-up singer Elise while they are trapped in their building’s elevator and are forced to get to know each other. We actually groaned every single time the film cut to these two in that elevator. I can see what director Garry Marshall (PRETTY WOMAN) was going for with these two: a bickering couple who slowly fall for one another. This is a classic trope of the Romantic Comedy genre. Unfortunately, Kutcher and Michele have zero chemistry, and as a result, what would’ve been sexy smoldering sniping with the right stars, instead comes across as tedious whinging with these two. I can only imagine the magic that, say, Chris Evans and Mary Elizabeth Winstead would have done with these roles. I guess we’ll never know.

Another thread that doesn’t work as well as it should is the one between Katherine Heigl and Jon Bon Jovi’s characters. Heigl effectively conveys Laura’s confusion and trepidation at suddenly being in the orbit of someone who broke her heart, and she remains a lovely, expressive presence - as she is in all her movies. Unfortunately, Jon Bon Jovi doesn’t do anything special with his character of Jensen to make us understand why Laura would be hung up on this guy. And, as with Kutcher and Michele, Heigl and Bon Jovi just don’t have any chemistry. Heigl tries her best, but she’s the only one doing all the heavy lifting here. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but Bon Jovi is just too blank of a performer. Heigl deserved a more formidable partner.

There are a few other sub-plots that could’ve used more punch, but I don’t want to overlook the ones that actually do work. Such as the ones linking Claire, Aimee, Kim, and Sam. We learn that Sam met “the one” exactly a year ago, and they agreed to meet again on New Year’s Eve. Except we have no idea who she is - until almost the end. This adds an element of suspense to the film, and you will be constantly guessing as to who she is. Suffice it to say, I was second-guessing myself as the movie wore on. And a lot of this has to do with the clever way that Marshall directs these threads. It also helps that Josh Duhamel brings a truly sexy blend of intelligence, conviction, and humor to his role. If someone less charismatic was cast in the role of Sam, I don’t think this thread would be half as interesting as it is.

The best thread of them all, however, is the one that sees Michelle Pfeiffer’s lonely spinster Ingrid strike a bargain with Zac Efron’s much younger and peppy bike messenger - to realize her New Year’s resolutions. There’s a genuine sweetness to their story that would’ve been cheapened considerably or destroyed altogether if the script had forced them into a more generic romantic scenario. Fortunately, the script gives them a more atypical relationship, something between friendly and maternal, which makes it all the more interesting. Pfeiffer and Efron are pitch-perfect and their scenes together are easily the best in the whole movie. Every time the movie cut to their storyline, we actually smiled and looked at each other with delight. Indeed, I kept wishing that a couple of the weak storylines (like the ones with Kutcher and Bon Jovi) would’ve been axed entirely to give more room to Efron and Pfeiffer’s story - which is the main reason this film rises to the above average mark.

In the end, NEW YEAR’S EVE is a better film than VALENTINE’S DAY, but not as good as LOVE ACTUALLY. Despite some glaring weaknesses, the film has some real strengths to recommend it. And in the spirit of the New Year, let’s accentuate the positive and turn our back on the negatives. I love Christmas and New Year's for the very same reason I love movies and soccer - they bring the world together. And this movie celebrates that. And that's enough for me.

In closing, please soak in NEW YEAR’S EVE’s theme song, the awesome “Raise Your Glass” by Pink. My favorite song to run on the treadmill t0 - and it will be the song playing at my New Year's Eve party after the clock strikes midnight. Par-tay!

# 396 - THE THING (2011)

2011-12-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

THE THING (2011 - HORROR / SCI-FI / PREQUEL) *** out of *****

(Oh, that’s just fucking gross…)

CAST: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Ulrich Thomsen, Eric Christian Olsen, Addewale Akinnouye Agbaje, Kim Bubbs.

DIRECTOR: Matthijs Van Heijningen Jr.

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to stay as far the fuck away from Antarctica as you possibly can - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Very cute Columbia University paleontology grad student Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is commissioned by Norwegian prick scientist Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) to check out the “discovery” his team made all the way in the frozen bowels of Antarctica. Not listening to the inner voice that tells her “Fuck, NO!”, Kate agrees - and before you know it, she’s buried underneath several pounds of parka and cold-weather gear, poking her way through the snow and ice. Turns out Dr. Prick’s, er, Dr. Halvorson’s team discovered the following, uh, things: (1) some sort of alien organism frozen in the ice; and (2) some sort of spaceship that looks bigger than most aircraft carriers.

And then as if that’s not foreboding enough, our eggheads decide to take the frozen organism back to their base. And as if that’s not stupid enough, Dr. Halvorson - the fucking numbskull - decides to drill through the ice to obtain a tissue sample - despite Kate’s objections. Sure enough, before you can say “You guys are all fucked!” several things happen: (1) the ice encasing the alien organism melts; (2) the alien organism wakes up; and (3) it is understandably grumpy and proceeds to attack our dumb-ass (except for Kate) scientists, one-by-one. Oh, and it turns out the creature can mimic its victims, so it could be anyone now. See, Kate? I told you should’ve just stayed at Columbia. That’s okay, sweetie. Sometimes, you have to learn the hard way.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Kate Lloyd. And the smokin’ hot American chopper pilot named Carter (Joel Edgerton). They’ve got my vote for “Couple Most Likely To Survive”. But do they? Ahem?

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Joel Edgerton are one fetchin’ duo. Especially with weapons:

MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Kate forcing the other scientists to undergo a “test” to determine who is human and who is a “thing”. Let’s just say I have never been so grateful to have dental fillings.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: The pale-ass Nordic scientists celebrating their “discovery” by singing what appears to be a Norwegian folk song. This is unintentionally scary for two reasons: (1) these choads have no idea that their “discovery” is about to wake up and chomp their pasty behinds; and (2) their singing skills make it painfully clear why they ended up as underpaid scientists stuck down on the South Pole - and not millionaire Grammy-winning rock stars. My cat sings better. And he’s pretty fucking atrocious.

HOTTEST SCENE: I wish I could say there’s a scene where Carter has to take a nice hot shower and we get to admire Joel Edgerton’s body. Alas, it never happened. We have to settle for the scene where the alien has Carter cornered in the kitchen, and Carter braces for the attack with a knife. Edgerton makes abject terror look so sexy. Or am I sick? Don’t answer that.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… what in the name of everything fucking disgusting did our pale-ass heroes discover in the ice? And where did it come from? What happens when Kate discovers the alien is masquerading as one - or more - of the team members? How will they determine who is human and who isn’t? And what happens if the creature makes it back to civilization? Will humanity be wiped out? Will the scientists have to just sacrifice themselves for the greater good? Or is there another way to escape this madness? And the most urgent question of all: why isn’t there a shower scene with Joel Edgerton in this fucking movie? WHY?!?! Come on, don’t you want to see this naked:

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “THE THING”: If you liked the 1982 original by John Carpenter, and would like to know what happened to the doomed Norwegian base that kicked off that film’s storyline. And if you like decent, above-average prequel/homages to classic horror/sci-fi/thrillers.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “THE THING”: If you didn’t like the 1982 original or never saw it or never cared. And if the horror/sci-fi/thriller genre is not your thang. In which case, go see PRETTY WOMAN for the 173rd time.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: In 1982, horror auteur John Carpenter (HALLOWEEN, THE FOG) helmed a remake of the 50’s classic THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD, which was based on the equally-classic horror novella “Who Goes There?” by John W. Campbell. Carpenter’s version shortened the title to just THE THING, and was much more faithful to Campbell’s novel. THE THING (1982) was much-hyped prior to its release, but it ultimately underperformed at the box office. Something interesting happened, though: after its release on home video, THE THING (1982) began to develop a very ardent and loyal following. And now, it is widely regarded as a classic that was just ahead of its time during its initial release - and was overlooked by audiences looking for cheaper thrills.

Bottom line: THE THING (1982) was a terrifying, atmospheric, and claustrophobic chronicle of what happens when a seemingly un-killable organism decimates the staff of a remote Antarctic U.S. research station, one-by-one. Carpenter wisely hewed closely to Campbell’s novella, and played up the dread, paranoia, fear, and uncertainty that plagued the protagonists’ situation. The result was a film that had you on the edge of your seat - and left you with a strong desire to never - ever - set foot on the Antarctic circle. In essence, THE THING (1982) is just as much a slow-burn psychological thriller of how human connection breaks down in crisis, as it is a horror film about alien invasion.

THE THING (2011) was misleadingly advertised as a remake of Carpenter‘s 1982 classic. Even the title is exactly the same, which would indicate a re-imagining of the first movie. In truth, though, THE THING (2011) is more of a prequel. If you’ll recall, the events for the 1982 film were the result of the unseen tragedy at a nearby Norwegian base. The alien contamination escaped from that place through a dog, and infected the nearby American base. In THE THING (1982), we only saw the aftermath of the Norwegian massacre (frozen corpses, ruined buildings, etc.) when the American team went to investigate. THE THING (2011) actually dramatizes what happened at the Norwegian base. As far as the timeline, this film occurs right before the events of the 1982 movie.

Is THE THING (2011) good or even better than THE THING (1982)? The answer is “no”. That’s not to say it’s a bad film - far from it. It’s a solid, above-average horror/thriller that manages to alternately keep us on the edge of our seats and leaning forward with interest. It’s also a different film in feel and tone from the previous one because of the new emphasis on more action. The 1982 film focused on slow-building dread and apprehension, as it became clear that “the thing” was disguising itself as human - and could be anyone. In the 2011 film, the pace is quickened and the plot is sprinkled with chase scenes, battles, explosions, and other ways to accelerate the storyline. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing - just a different approach to portraying the horror. Personally, I prefer the 1982 film’s more gradual build-up of terror.

Another reason the 2011 film doesn’t rate quite as high as the 1982 film is because, by now, the tropes are all familiar: (1) the discovery of the organism; (2) the realization that it is dangerous and capable of mimicking humans, and (3) the mistrust and paranoia that grips everyone when they begin to finally understand their horrible situation. The 2011 film trots out all these cards, and it’s just not as fresh as when we saw it in the 1982 film. For someone who hasn’t see that movie, the 2011 film may register better. For those of us who have, though, it feels like a bit of retread. And the twist at the end simply doesn’t make any sense, no matter how you examine it. And, believe me, we have.

Fortunately, the leads are fairly strong. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is perfect as Kate Lloyd, the Columbia grad student who gets in over her head by becoming involved in the project. Winstead aptly plays Kate as a regular woman who just happens to be smart, courageous, and resourceful. She never comes across as some sort of super-heroine. Indeed, the character of Kate reminds me a bit of Ripley from ALIEN. Both women are strong and capable without announcing it on a bullhorn. Both are poo-pooed and patronized a bit by their male colleagues. Both women finally take charge of the situation when the men fall apart, and end up saving the day. In short, Winstead ably carries the film on her shoulders and clearly shows she has what it takes to be a leading lady, whether in a horror film or other kind of movie.

Australian actor Joel Edgerton successfully suppresses his accent to play Carter, the American pilot who becomes Kate’s ally in trying to survive. With his performances here and in WARRIOR, Edgerton is fast proving to be a formidable and potent screen presence. What’s great about how he plays Carter is the way he accentuates the character’s vulnerability and humanity, instead of turning him into a chest-thumping alpha male. This is especially vivid in the scene where the alien chases Carter and traps him in the kitchen, with only a knife to defend himself with. Interminable seconds go by as we wonder if the alien will follow him into the kitchen - and the expressions of terror and desperation on Edgerton’s face as he waits are smashing. Great work from a very promising actor.

As for the rest of the cast, with the exception of Ulrich Thomsen as Dr. Halvorson and Kim Bubbs as Juliet, the only other female character, I had a hard time telling everyone else apart. They all seemed the same to me. Not so with the cast of the 1982 film, however, who were all distinct and vivid, despite their large number. This is another reason why the 2011 film doesn’t manage to rise above the above average mark. Beyond the film’s leads and the two supporting players mentioned above, the characters just don’t have much, well, character…

In the end, though, THE THING (2011) is a decent prequel to THE THING (1982). It’s buoyed by solid turns from Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Joel Edgerton, and finally gives a reasonably scary answer to the question of “What happened at that Norwegian base?”

# 395 - ON THE EDGE (2001)

2011-12-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

ON THE EDGE (2001 - COMEDY / DRAMA) ***1/2 out of *****

(28 DAYS meets ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO‘S NEST and HAWKS plus THE BREAKFAST CLUB multiplied by LOST IN TRANSLATION equals… this flick)

CAST: Cillian Murphy, Tricia Vessey, Jonathan Jackson, Stephen Rea

DIRECTOR: John Carney

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to choose life - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Terminal smart-ass Jonathan Breech (Cillian Murphy) is a handsome Dubliner who’s still reeling from the death of his father, although he does a bang-up job of hiding it. Speaking of bang-up jobs, that’s exactly what happens to his car when he drives it off a steep cliff after his Pops’ funeral. Guess he wasn’t so great at hiding his grief, after all, eh? At any rate, Jonathan survives the horrific crash with nothing more than - wait for it - a broken little finger. Yes, folks. An accident that would’ve demolished everyone else, our smart-ass hero survives with nothing more than a boo-boo on one corner of his hand. Talk about good luck - or maybe just good shock absorbers.

Anyhow, Jonathan winds up in a psychiatric hospital because of his “suicide attempt” and ends up under the care of the gentle-but-tough shrink, Dr. Figure (Stephen Rea). No, that is not a typo, folks. That is his actual name. I wonder what his first name is? Go? That would be awesome. But I digress. Anyhow, Jonathan meets a couple of fellow patients who begin to have an impact on his terminally flippant attitude towards life and his recent ineffective attempt to end it. They are: (1) Rachel (Tricia Vessey), sweet and vulnerable American chick whose mother committed suicide when she was just a girl; and (2) Toby (Jonathan Jackson), fellow Irishman who is still haunted by his brother’s death years ago. You’d think that three folks with suicide in their pasts, hanging out together, would be a disaster. Turns out this trio is almost as fun as Chris Evans’ twin (AKA James T) when he’s had a whole bottle of Jameson’s. As in: “Why are we still wearing clothes, dude?” Let’s just say that this hospital is more git-down than the one in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST. Lots more.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: You’d think Dr. Figure (giggle). But it’s actually Jonathan, who turns out to be far more level-headed than we realized. Guess that car crash knocked some sense into that brain of his.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Cillian Murphy’s got cheekbones that look like they were sculpted out of ice. In short: he’s fucking gorgeous. Tricia Vessey reminds me of a cross between Jennifer Connelly and Connie Nielsen. And Jonathan Jackson has got that boy-next-door thing going in a big way. These three make beautiful patients-in-crime, er, partners-in-crime:

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Jonathan and Toby sneaking out of the hospital and heading down to the local pub to slam back some lagers - only to piss off a bunch of locals. Let’s just say our boys learn just how fast they can really haul ass.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Dr. Figure‘s (ha ha) group therapy sessions. I‘ve seen SOUTH PARK episodes that were less hilarious. And I’m the World’s Biggest South Park Fan.

HOTTEST SCENE: Jonathan comforting Rachel at the very end. Nothing sexier than a man who is smart, sincere, and sarcastic. The Three S’s. Don’t settle for anything less.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Jonathan admit that he needs help? Will he let Dr. Figure help him? And what about Rachel and Toby? Are they in danger of relapsing, too? Or will Jonathan be able to influence them for the better just as much as they influence him? Will these three be able to return to normal life outside the hospital? Or are they pretty much going to spend their whole lives there like that old crone who says she’s been a patient there since, well, probably since the Victorian era? Let’s fucking hope not.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “ON THE EDGE”: If you like comedy-dramas with an edge and unexpected depths. And if you want to see Cillian Murphy in his feature film debut.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “ON THE EDGE”: If you don’t like comedy-dramas that tackle dark subject matters like suicide and psychiatric hospitals. If so, steer clear and watch a fluffy rom-com instead.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: This film was recommended to me via email by a reader who wrote that she loved its unusual blend of sardonic humor and sincere melancholy, and that it’s one of her favorite films. While I am probably not as enamored of it as she is, I have to admit that ON THE EDGE starts out as an average flick, then becomes above average, and is finally elevated to the level of “good” by a breathtaking and heartbreaking final five minutes. In other words, it gets better as it goes along - until it reaches an exceedingly lovely ending. More on that later.

The performances of Cillian Murphy, Tricia Vessey, Jonathan Jackson, and Stephen Rea are also key to the film’s high rating. Rea is the model of low-key authority and compassion as the appropriately named Dr. Figure - he’s definitely someone the patients can look up to. But his is not the film’s strongest performance. Jonathan Jackson and Cillian Murphy are also quite good as, respectively, the tentative-but-tough Toby, and the sarcastic-but-soulful Jonathan. Both Jackson and Murphy have shared and individual scenes where they command the screen in different ways: Jackson gives Toby a quiet strength, while Murphy imbues Jonathan with a ballsy, irresistible charisma. Jackson would go on to equally strong work in the Robin Williams-Al Pacino thriller INSOMNIA, and Murphy would bring his potent screen presence to future films like 28 DAYS LATER, BATMAN BEGINS, SUNSHINE, and INCEPTION.

However, as good as these guys are, ON THE EDGE’s best performance comes from its leading lady. As the troubled Rachel, Tricia Vessey is an interesting mix of bold sexuality, wry humor, and child-like vulnerability. Vessey is equally believable when Rachel aggressively comes on to Jonathan in the bathroom, as she is when Rachel finally let’s her defenses down and allows Jonathan to hear about the story of her dead (and possibly suicidal) mother. The expressions that Vessey conveys on Rachel’s face as she confides in Jonathan are so hypnotic and transparent, you can almost read her thoughts before she even speaks a single word. That is talent, and Vessey has it in spades. This scene is one of the reasons the film gets a ***½ rating. I can’t wait to see the rest of Ms. Vessey's oeuvre.

The other great scene is the final five-minute sequence that ends the film on the perfect note of melancholy, redemption, and hope. I won’t spoil it, but I will say that it is one of the most beautiful endings I have seen in awhile. It actually reminds me of the ending of LOST IN TRANSLATION - an ending that is played only with expressions, gestures, and words that we can‘t hear. This allows us to bring our own interpretations to what we just saw, and keeps us thinking about it long after the end credits have rolled. This scene is made even more memorable with David Gray’s lovely song “Please Forgive Me” playing on the soundtrack as Jonathan and Rachel… well, like I said I won’t spoil it.

Suffice it to say, the ending perfectly illustrates the conflict faced by the heroes of ON THE EDGE: when life becomes too hard, how do you find the courage and strength to choose life? For most of us, it’s quite easy. For these people, though, there are no easy answers. And Murphy, Jackson, and - especially - Vessey beautifully express that.

In closing, please absorb ON THE EDGE's theme song - the lovely "Please Forgive Me" by David Gray. Lyrics that are both lovely and true. Best part is between 3:30 and 4:20...

# 394 - MIAMI VICE (2006)

2011-12-11T01:30:00.003-08:00

MIAMI VICE (2006 - ACTION / THRILLER / ROMANCE ) **** out of *****

(Drug deals, double-crosses, forbidden love, but not a single pair of white pants - imagine that…)

CAST: Jaime Foxx, Colin Farrell, Gong Li, Naomie Harris, Ciaran Hinds, Barry Shabaka Henley, Justin Theroux, Luis Tosar, John Ortiz, Elizabeth Rodriguez, Domenick Lombardozzi.

DIRECTOR: Michael Mann

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and compelling reasons both for and against moving to Miami - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: In a big-screen adaptation of the popular TV series, Miami detectives Sonny Crockett (Colin Farrell) and Ricardo Tubbs (Jaime Foxx) are tasked with bringing down feared South American drug baron Archangel Luis Montoya (Luis Tosar). Montoya is very talented at two main things: (1) flooding the world with drugs and getting rich because from it; and (2) killing informants and their friends and families. Not exactly someone you’d snitch on lightly, our Montoya. No, sir. We find that out when one informant and what seems like his entire immediate family is wiped out in the first fifteen minutes of the movie. Realizing they have to go deep, deep, deep, deep undercover for this one, Crockett and Tubbs fly to South America to pose as drug movers - and offer their services to Montoya’s middleman, the slimy asshole Jose Yero (John Ortiz).

Yero falls for their schpiel (that was easy) and before you know it, our heroes are on Montoya’s payroll as undercover agents. If that’s not playing with fire, I don’t know what is. Speaking of fire, things get complicated when Crockett finds himself falling in love with Montoya’s number two. She is Isabella (Gong Li), an icy-yet-fiery Chinese-Cuban financial whiz who handles all the cartel’s money matters. And being a half-breed, she’s drop-dead gorgeous. And she looks smashing in both a business suit and an evening dress. Not that Crockett (or his cock) cares what she wears - he’d rather see her in her Birthday Suit. Then there’s Tubbs’ cop girlfriend Trudie (Naomie Harris), who gets pulled into the fire despite his best efforts to keep her the fuck out of it. Just another day in Miami, I guess…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: It’s the Crockett And Tubbs Show - all the way. Like you expected this award to go to anyone else.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Colin Farrell and Jaime Foxx are pretty dashing as our two cop heroes. Naomie Harris as Trudie is pretty fetchin’ herself - which is probably why she got picked to be the next Bond Girl in the new Bond film, SKYFALL. Technically, though, Gong Li as the mysterious Isabella is more beautiful than all of them combined, but I can’t give this award to her because she looks too much like my mother. Just like I couldn’t give this award to Harrison Ford in AIR FORCE ONE because he looks too much like my dad. Talk about a conflict of interest.

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: The climactic gun battle at the shipyard when Crockett and Tubbs get their cover blown. As opposed to just getting blown. If you know what I mean.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Tubbs fucking Trudie - then pretending to cum too soon. Then he yells “Just kidding” and goes on fucking her. Ha ha ha. Love it. Too bad that usually happens for real in real life.

HOTTEST SCENE: Crockett and Isabella’s impromptu trip to Cuba for the weekend - which starts with her inviting him out for some Mojitos. Damn, Isabella… you could’ve been more specific and told him that bar is actually in Cuba. That’s okay, though - because you two make a pretty couple:

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will Crockett and Tubbs succeed in bringing down Montoya’s drug empire? Or will Montoya figure out who they really are - and not only wipe them out, but their loved ones as well? Will Trudie be endangered by Tubbs’ activities? Will Tubbs be able to rescue her when the inevitable happens? And speaking of the inevitable, will Crockett and Isabella’s forbidden affair endure? How can an undercover cop and a drug lord’s girlfriend possibly find love? Will this star-crossed romance survive? Will Crockett and Isabella survive? Will this gorgeous couple have a happy ending, marry, and have gorgeous half-breed kids? Speaking of gorgeous parents and equally gorgeous half-breed kids, here’s the most important question of all… see below:

If my dad looks like a combo of Harrison Ford and Richard Gere…

…and my mom looks like a cross between Gong Li and Halle Berry…

…and my big sister looks like an exotic blend of Famke Janssen and Sandra Bullock…

…and my late older brother and two baby brothers look like exotic blends of Jim Caviezel and Keanu Reeves…

…then someone please explain to me why the fuck I ended up looking like these two:

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “MIAMI VICE”: If you liked the original TV series from the 80’s. And if you like Michael Mann’s sleek, seductive, intense blend of movie-making that juxtaposes beauty, danger, and moral ambiguity. A world where the line between right and wrong is easily blurred - and easily crossed. And if you worship Colin, Jaime, or Gong…

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “MIAMI VICE”: If you detested the original TV series. And if you don’t like sexy, intense action/thrillers. Then you might as well go watch a comedy with Kate Hudson or a Disney movie or something equally bubble-gum.

BUT, SERIOUSLY: Director Michael Mann is best known for his crime drama HEAT, which is widely acknowledged to be a modern classic. HEAT’s poster tagline is elegant in its simplicity: “A Los Angeles Crime Saga.” And it’s a very apt one. As anyone who lives or has lived in Los Angeles can attest to, HEAT perfectly captures the feel and atmosphere of that city, and the setting was just as much a character as the men and women ensnared in the cops-versus-robbers-heist plotline. Bottom line: like his artistic kindred spirit Ridley Scott, Michael Mann is a director who knows how to use mood, visuals, and atmosphere to not only tell his stories, but also flesh out his characters. In fact, in a Michael Mann film, as in a Ridley Scott film, mood, visuals, and atmosphere are sometimes more telling than the words spoken by the characters.

Before he helmed HEAT, though, Michael Mann was executive producer for the Miami Vice television series from 1984 - 1990 starring Don Johnson. And if you watch episodes from the TV show and compare them to HEAT, you can see many similarities in style: the slick, glossy shots; the brooding, seductive atmosphere; the expressive, hypnotic visuals. Indeed, you can’t help but think that Mann’s tenure as a creative force behind the Miami Vice show trained him to tell HEAT’s story effectively. Essentially, when you get down to it, HEAT is a feature-length, grittier big screen version of a Miami Vice episode. Without Miami Vice, HEAT may not have come to be. Yeah, I said it.

So it’s only fitting that an actual feature-length, grittier big screen version of the Miami Vice show would eventually get the greenlight. When it came out in 2006, MIAMI VICE made a somewhat lukewarm splash at the box-office. In reality, it did reasonably well, but I think many quarters thought - nay, expected - it would reproduce HEAT’s earlier success. When this didn’t happen, it was quickly labeled a misfire or disappointment. The ironic thing is MIAMI VICE is almost as good as HEAT, but because it is a different type of action/thriller, it was compared unfairly to that classic. As a result, MIAMI VICE was viewed as inferior to HEAT, when the truth is that, despite some superficial similarities, they are different underneath.

In HEAT, we explored both sides of the law by following Al Pacino’s cop character and Robert DeNiro’s robber character. We saw them interact with their friends and family. We saw their personal lives and issues. We saw them make mistakes and score some goals. In short, we saw them as three-dimensional human beings. Indeed, HEAT’s complexity is one of the reasons I like it very much. Neither cop nor robber is the bad guy. HEAT essentially has two heroes - one on each side of the law. The ostensible bad guy is actually something of an anti-hero. The closest thing HEAT has to a true villain is a secondary character who spends most of the time off-screen anyway, so he’s not much of a threat. Because of this unusual structure, HEAT is less of an action/thriller - and more of an action/drama.

MIAMI VICE, on the other hand, while having many dramatic elements, is very much a thriller. There’s no question as to who the villains in this movie are: the vicious drug lord Archangel Luis Montoya played with chilly precision by Luis Tosar, as well as his psychotic subordinate Jose Yero played with a more explosive menace by John Ortiz. These two are very formidable baddies. Indeed, even when they are offscreen, their presence is felt like a phantom threat. That’s how powerful their drug cartel is: they have eyes everywhere - and if you cross them, you can run but you cannot hide. HEAT never had this sense of constant danger and menace. Then again, as we discussed, it was more of a drama.

We’ve talked about how thrillers are only as good as their villains. But it is also necessary for the heroes to be worth rooting for. Otherwise, we won’t care for their survival - no matter how credible a threat the baddies are. In MIAMI VICE, Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs sidestep the pitfall of appearing to be nothing more than standard movie cop heroes, and register as believable human beings. And this has a lot to do with the charisma and skill that Colin Farrell and Jaime Foxx bring to the roles. Some of their dialogue is borderline-theatrical and posturing, the kind you wouldn’t hear anywhere but in a movie, but Farrell and Foxx sell the lines because of the conviction they bring to their roles. Both are playing intense characters, but Farrell defines Crockett with a certain brooding quality, while Foxx essays Tubbs as a more humorous personality.

As for the leading ladies, Naomie Harris is fine as Trudie, who nearly pays for her loyalty to Tubbs with her life. Trudie isn’t really given much to do in the script except tag along with Crockett and Tubbs in some of their earlier investigation, and then eventually get kidnapped and threatened. Nevertheless, Harris makes Trudie a tough and feisty presence, and never a victim - even in the last part of the film where she is definitely imperiled. Based on her performances here, in 28 DAYS LATER, and in AFTER THE SUNSET, I can see why Harris was cast as Eve, the new Bond Lady in the new James Bond adventure titled SKYFALL. She excels at playing strong women who are also refreshingly human.

The most interesting presence in the film, though, is beautiful Chinese superstar Gong Li as the icy and mysterious Isabella, who quickly melts when Crockett pursues her. I’m not sure if Isabella was always meant to be Cuban-Chinese, or if Mann wanted to work with Li so much that he tailored the character to her ethnicity. In either case, Li imbues Isabella with multiple levels of tenderness and uncertainty under her super-poised and frosty exterior. Considering Li is not fluent in English, she does reasonably well with her dialogue, as she did in MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA (review coming). But an actor’s body language and expressions are just as important - if not more, sometimes - as their words. And Li uses her eyes and the rest of her face and body to convey a lot of what Isabella doesn’t (or can’t) say to Crockett. And she does it in a memorably riveting way.

There’s a lovely scene in Cuba where Crockett and Isabella are walking by a seawall, and she tells him about a fortune she once got from a fortune cookie. It read “Leave Now. Time Is Luck.” And Crockett uses this to try to convince her to leave the drug cartel behind and start a new life. The way Li plays Isabella’s pragmatic response to his plea - both her words and nonverbals - is a great example of how to express volumes of buried feeling through the smallest ways. Indeed, it is the forbidden romance between Isabella and Crockett that ultimately holds MIAMI VICE together. Without it, this movie would’ve lost most of its power. Because we want to see Isabella escape this life - and possibly have one with Crockett. But how can she when she’s neck-deep with the bad guys?

I also like how Mann tells Isabella and Crockett’s relationship through expressions and nonverbals. Watch for the scene in South America where Crockett is on a drug ship getting ready to sail, and Isabella catches sight of him from the dock as she‘s about to get into a waiting vehicle. Isabella is in cool, controlled, and poised business mode - and she just gives him a nod. Then she unexpectedly stands on the SUV’s door frame and leans forward over the roof to get a better view of him on the ship before it leaves - and gives him the sweetest, most child-like smile. And he smiles back the same way. And at the end, when Isabella has to leave the U.S. to stay alive, she stands on the departing boat’s deck while Crockett watches from the dock this time - an inversion of the earlier scene. Isabella moves all the way to the edge of the boat - to get a better view of Crockett. One last time.

Love these scenes. Breaks my heart each time. Especially the expressions on Isabella’s face. I can see why Michael Mann fought to cast Gong Li in this role. She makes it her own.

In the end, MIAMI VICE is nearly as good as HEAT. The thing to remember is this: HEAT was essentially a drama with action, while MIAMI VICE is basically a romantic thriller with action. MIAMI VICE may not have found an audience when it first came out, but here’s something to remember: neither did HEAT. While it was well-praised when it was released in the mid-90s, HEAT technically underperformed at the box-office. It was only when it came out on video that its following grew considerably - until it came to be regarded as a modern classic.

While I doubt MIAMI VICE will be eventually be thought of as a classic, I firmly believe it will garner its own following as time goes by. It’s a very good film that effectively combines a pulse-pounding action/thriller with a sensual and touching love story. And given how very few movies manage to do that these days, that is something to be thankful for.

And, to commemorate the TV series, please see a YouTube vid with the updated music theme. This piece is called "Crockett's Theme." Great music... Would've been perfect for Crockett and Isabella's dangerous affair...

UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR 12/12/11 - 12/18/11

2011-12-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

Hello, folks...

Hope everyone is having a great Saturday around the world, wherever you may be. The weekend is here - and its magic time again.

At any rate, please note that the last two reviews for this week - MIAMI VICE and ON THE EDGE - will post by tomorrow night at the latest. And below is a sneak peek and schedule of next week's review. It's almost Christmas and I am like a crackwhore in a crackhouse with excitement... Can't wait.

# 396 - THE THING (AKA Another Reason To Stay The Hell Out of the Antarctic Circle)

# 397 - LOOKING FOR ERIC (AKA Soccer Saves The Day Again)

# 398 - THE LAKE HOUSE (AKA Sandy And Keanu And A Time Warp Mail Box)

# 399 - THE SITTER (AKA That's Right - Corrupt Those Brats)

# 400 - MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4: GHOST PROTOCOL (AKA Paula Patton Plus Tom Cruise Equals Some Extremely Beautiful Children)

# 401 - NEW YEAR'S EVE (AKA Auld Lang Syne Goes Buckwild)

# 402 - WE BOUGHT A ZOO (AKA And I Bought A Great White Shark As A Pet)

Hanno un grande sabato, folks...

# 393 - STAR TREK (2009)

2011-12-08T22:46:00.000-08:00

STAR TREK (2009 - ACTION / ADVENTURE / SCI-FI) ****½ out of *****

(Close your eyes - and imagine you‘re watching the trailer for THE ITALIAN STRIKER)

CAST: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Eric Bana, John Cho, Karl Urban, Bruce Greenwood, Anton Yelchin, Winona Ryder, Ben Cross.

DIRECTOR: Jeffrey Abrams

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one hot-ass bunch of trekkies - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: With the smash successes of the Batman and Bond franchises in rebooting their respective mythologies with BATMAN BEGINS and CASINO ROYALE, the Star Trek folks decided to stake their own claim to the “Origins Story Jackpot.” And they called it, uh, STAR TREK. Well, at least that cuts down on any potential confusion. Anyway, our story revolves around ultra-sexy bad boy James Tiberius Kirk (Chris Pine), who’s something of a genius in a sizzling-hot rebel’s body. Too bad he is more content to brawl himself to death in local bars. Anyhow, Starship Federation Commander Pike (Bruce Greenwood) sees all the potential in our sexy hero, even if he himself doesn’t, and persuades James to enlist in Starfleet Academy because it could use more of his “leap-before-you-look“ ethos - AKA Steely Swaggering Balls.

For his part, James reacts to this pretty much the same way I did when I was told I won the Leadership Award at Military Leadership School: “Are you fuckers actually fucking with me right now?” Fortunately, both James and I came around, and while I went back to Earth to run this blog, he went on to basically become Cock of the Block at Starfleet Academy. This movie chronicles his first space mission against bloodthirsty Romulan Nero (Eric Bana), as well as how he meets future buds Spock (Zachary “I’m out now! Yay!” Quinto), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), McCoy (Karl Urban), Sulu (John Cho), Scotty (Simon Pegg), and Chekov (Anton Yelchin). And may I say this is the hottest crew of space travelers I have ever seen? Well, except for that dream I had the other night where Chris Evans, Russell Crowe, Famke Janssen, Irene Jacob, Kevin Costner, Jessica Alba, Fabio Cannavaro, Raoul Bova, Paolo Cannavaro, Marco Materazzi, Jeff Parke, and Clark Kent were the crew from ALIEN. And I was the Alien - “eating” them, one-by-one. Let’s just say there were no survivors. Ahem.

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: James Tiberius Kirk. The man is more than just sex on a stick - he’s also got those steel balls of his. Oh, and our pointy-eared Vulcan boy Spock also kicks some solid crosses to our boy James to head into the net. These guys are like the Mauro Rosales and Fredy Montero of the Starship Enterprise. Go, Sounders! Uh, I meant: go, trekkies!

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Chris Pine is sorta like Chris Evans - but with lighter hair and a smooth chest. Otherwise he’s got the same sexy/smart/goofy vibe. And that’s a good thing. He’s still not as hot as my boy, Chris E., though. And Zachary Quinto, freshly out as a gay man (Yay! I have a shot!), is also pretty smokin’ himself. Then there’s Karl Urban, John Cho, and Simon Pegg. And Bruce Greenwood for those with tastes for vintage. Representing the fairer sex are Zoe Saldana, Winona Ryder, and Rachel Nichols. Everybody wins!

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Anytime James T. Kirk takes control of a situation. Which is pretty much this whole movie. I bet this guy makes everyone cum just by walking into the room…

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: James watching Uhura undress from underneath her roommate’s bed. I don’t have to tell you that this shit is kinky on so many levels.

HOTTEST SCENE: The moment James declares himself the new captain of the Starship Enterprise - and plops his fine ass down in the captain’s seat… Yowza!

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will James, Spock, Uhura, and the rest of the gang triumph over Nero? What does that wacky fucker want anyway? What does a mysterious black hole have to do with Nero’s plan? Is he luring the Starship Enterprise into a trap? Will Captain Pike cede control of the ship to James or Spock? Will the fiery James and cool Spock ever get along? Or are they future best buds in the making? Well, put it this way: all those Star Trek episodes and movies wouldn’t have happened if these two didn’t decide to just say “fuck it!” and together jump on another ship called… the Starship Bromance. Happy honeymoon, guys.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “STAR TREK”: If you are a super-loyal Trekkie. Or if you just love sci-fi adventures that are smart, sexy, soulful, and smashingly excellent. And if you want to see Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto take ownership of two iconic roles.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “STAR TREK”: If you are not a super-loyal Trekkie. And if you prefer your sci-fi adventures to be dumb, dull, and distressingly mediocre. In which case, go watch ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES or FRANKENHOOKER or something…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: There’s something about taking a franchise/series back to its roots that is so invigorating. Freed from all the “requirements” that have been established by years and years of films, reboots allow the creators to rewrite the rules, while upholding them at the same time. It’s basically a way of taking the old - and giving it a fresh spin. It worked wonders for the Batman franchise with BATMAN BEGINS, and it revived the Bond series with CASINO ROYALE. Now, STAR TREK aims to do the same thing with the Trekkie mythology. Does it succeed?

The answer, quite simply, is “Absolutely.” It was a stroke of genius to hand the reboot duties to director Jeffrey “JJ” Abrams, creator of such small screen hits as LOST and ALIAS, and such big screen winners as MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3, SUPER 8, and CLOVERFIELD. I met him once at a UCLA lecture back in the mid 90’s, when he was hot off writing REGARDING HENRY. The thing I remember the most about the conversation and his lecture was just how passionate and excited he was about films and storytelling. His enthusiasm was so infectious that you couldn’t help but be swept along with it. He brings the same energy and electricity to STAR TREK - it’s a movie that is wily, intelligent, sensitive, exciting, and - above all - fun. In other words, it’s vintage JJ Abrams.

It also helps that Abrams has a perfect cast at his disposal. Chris Pine, put simply, is amazing. He takes complete ownership of the James T. Kirk role, and transforms it with a sexy intensity and sly wit. He’s like someone special I know who can chug back a gallon of beer and drink you under the table, then read some Arrigo Boito poetry to you the next day while discussing the beauty of soccer. In fact, my new nickname for him now is James T because of the way he reminds me of this character’s way of blending smarts, swagger, and sensitivity. Pine does a great job of juggling Kirk’s cavalier side with a certain thoughtfulness. Captain Pike praises Kirk’s penchant to “leap-before-looking”, but Kirk also has a very intellectual side to him. It’s this dynamic blend that I see in both my friend and in Pine’s performance. In short, it’s a star-making one.

Matching Pine, scene for scene, but with a cooler and more cerebral aura is Zachary Quinto as Spock. As with Pine and Kirk, Quinto makes the role of Spock his own and is perfectly cast. He does a great job of showing the emotion bubbling just beneath Spock’s icy surface. Indeed, I think of Spock as basically an Ice Princess role - but male. The danger with the wrong performer in this kind of role is that the character can come off as chilly and unapproachable. You need someone who knows how to express a lot by saying little or nothing, so that we sense all the emotion and fire underneath. Quinto is such an actor, and he vividly portrays Spock’s internal conflict, with his rational Vulcan side wrestling with his emotional human side.

Indeed, pared down to its core, STAR TREK is a platonic romance between two men. James T. Kirk is the fiery foil to Spock’s frosty logic. During the course of the movie, though, these two not only grow to respect each other despite their differences, but also come to learn a lot from one another. Kirk learns to be cautious and disciplined, while Spock learns to trust his emotions, which he keeps tightly and deeply hidden. Pine and Quinto also have a great brotherly chemistry that makes their “love-hate-love” relationship very believable. Lightning truly struck in a bottle with the casting of these two. Their performances are dynamite - and vividly show the very different (but somehow similar) bravery of these men.

On the note of courage, Quinto deserves kudos for finally coming out as a gay man recently. Reportedly moved by the recent suicide of a gay teen, he did it to show other gay teens out there that, yes, it does get better - and that they‘re not alone. Way to go, dude. You’re awesome.

As for the rest of the cast, they are also well-placed. Zoe Saldana makes for a sexy and feline Uhura, blending intelligence and gumption very much the same way the two male leads do. I was glad to see her paired up with Spock and not Kirk, as I expected from the trailers and the first part of the movie. Quinto and Saldana make a beautiful couple. No worries, though, as Kirk is sure to get his own love interest in the sequel.

Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, John Cho, and Anton Yelchin are all spot-on as McCoy, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov. Abrams gives each of them their moment (or moments) to shine. Cho is especially effective (and sexy) during a mid-air hand-to-hand battle sequence. Urban has a nice no-nonsense air about himself that meshes well with Pine’s playful style. It’s just as fun to watch the McCoy/Kirk interactions as it is to watch the Kirk/Spock ones. Finally, Pegg and Yelchin make for great comic relief - that is, when Pine is not providing that himself. And Bruce Greenwood is a warm, welcome presence as Pike, the mentor who gets Kirk to take the leap into Starfleet and realize his vast untapped potential. His rescue by Kirk at the end is particularly suspenseful - and emotionally satisfying.

Abrams also sidesteps the peril that all reboots face: how do you tell an “origins” story and work around the fact that the audience already knows where all of this is heading? I won’t spoil the answer to that question. Suffice it to say, Abrams uses a clever device that keeps us on our toes - but doesn’t cheat us at all. That’s a tricky thing to manage, but Abrams does so gracefully. His action scenes are similarly well-executed, and are kinetic and elegant at the same time.

In the end, STAR TREK can stand tall next to BATMAN BEGINS and CASINO ROYALE as films that reboot us back to the origins of their respective franchises - and do so magnificently. Bravo, JJ.

And James T, this review is dedicated to you. Beers on me tomorrow night.

# 392 - LARRY CROWNE (2011)

2011-12-08T17:41:00.001-08:00

LARRY CROWNE (2011 - COMEDY) **½ out of *****

(Should‘ve just tested out of that class, dude….)

CAST: Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Cedric The Entertainer, Taraji P. Henson, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Wilmer Valderama.

DIRECTOR: Tom Hanks

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really mundane speech class - straight ahead…

IT’S LIKE THIS: Larry Crowne (Tom Hanks) is one of those perpetually cheerful store managers you see when you’re out shopping. You know… the kind that dotes and waits on you as if his life depends on it (or as if he’s heard that you give killer head). And given that Larry has won Employee of The Month a dozen times, or something, that may not be too far from the truth. He lives for his job, this guy. Unfortunately, his world gets turned upside down when he is let go from his position for, ahem, not having a higher education. As if stocking shelves and grinning like an imbecile and saying “Have a nice day! Come again!” requires a college diploma. Please. Anyhow, at the urging of his nutty best pal Lamar (Cedric The Entertainer), Larry decides to make up for this scholastic deficiency by taking classes at the local community college. It’s not Yale, but it’s a start. Soon, he finds himself in a speech class taught by Mercedes Tainot (Julia Roberts), a chick who basically hates her job and possibly her students even more. I don’t have to tell you that Larry is pretty much like a seal in the Great White Shark's lair with this chick. Best of luck, Larry…

THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Larry’s foxy (and much, much younger) classmate Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), who’s wise and profound in a blatantly Movie Character way. In other words, she doesn’t exist in the real world.

EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Gugu Mbatha-Raw are cute, but this award goes to Wilmer Valderama as Dell, Talia’s brooding boyfriend who sees Larry as a rival. I have no idea why. Because Tom Hanks is no Wilmer Valderama, folks…

MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Larry’s final speech. Probably one of the few good points of this film.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: When the movie finally ended. I was ecstatic…

HOTTEST SCENE: Anytime Dell smolders into the view of the camera. Rock that goatee, Wilmer!

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will one rinky-dink speech class give Larry the education he needs? Or is this just the beginning of an uphill slog? Will Mercedes ever warm to him and his sunny attitude? Or will she continue to put blended margaritas and hangovers before him and the rest of her class? Does Talia have a crush on Larry? Or is she just trying to make him over in a (futile) effort to make him look like less of a dork? If so, then why does she insist he join her gang of… scooter-riders? Isn’t that against the tenets of coolness? What do they call themselves? The Purgatory’s Angels?

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “LARRY CROWNE”: If you are super-loyal to either Tom Hanks or Julia Roberts. You may find this a pleasant diversion.

WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “LARRY CROWNE”: If your regard for Tom Hanks or Julia Roberts isn’t that strong. If so, you may check out of this film around the halfway mark…

BUT, SERIOUSLY: There’s a germ of a great idea at the heart of LARRY CROWNE - a middle-aged man has to go back to school to re-invent himself and get back on his feet at the same time. This was tackled to humorous, wacky effect in Rodney Dangerfield’s 1985 classic, BACK TO SCHOOL, wherein Dangerfield’s aging tycoon goes back to college to spend quality time with his freshman son. Think of LARRY CROWNE as a more low-key take on that very same idea. And therein lies LARRY CROWNE’s problem: it’s too low-key.

Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts are, as usual, solid and more than competent. However, they are playing a couple of characters that aren’t very interesting. Beyond a generally amiable air and bland sincerity, there isn’t much to Larry Crowne. If you’re going to name a movie after the main character, you better be sure that he/she is a compelling figure. You felt that way about JERRY MAGUIRE and BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY - the protagonists of those films more than warranted their titular status. Not so with Larry Crowne. The guy is just, well, dull. And Hanks’ vanilla, predictable performance further exacerbates the situation.

Anyone who reads this blog, knows I adore Julia Roberts. However, her performance here isn’t one of my favorites. It’s not because Mercedes is an icy, distant, sometimes scary character. In fact, those are my favorite characters. I think they are the most fascinating ones - provided you can detect some of the complexity and tenderness underneath the ice. Here, Mercedes doesn’t have much dimension to her. And when her eventual “thawing” occurs, it’s not as exhilarating and heart-soaring as it should be - as it was for similarly closed-off Ice Princess characters like Marianne Graves (Goldie Hawn) in BIRD ON A WIRE, Kate Armstrong (Catherine Zeta-Jones) in NO RESERVATIONS, or Margaret Tate (Sandra Bullock) in THE PROPOSAL. In those movies, watching the leading men dismantle the coolly-controlled heroines’ defenses, one-by-one, was a joy to watch.

Not so in LARRY CROWNE, mainly because Mercedes just doesn’t seem to be worth the effort, and also because Larry never seems to be, well, interested enough. He basically looks upon Mercedes with the same genial regard he does everyone else. The result? A tepid connection between the Larry and Mercedes. Hanks and Roberts were much more effective and electric in CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR. Here, they are stuck with characters who are just not compatible with one another. It’s not enough that you have two actors with chemistry - the people they play must also click together. And Larry and Mercedes simply don’t. Which makes the happy ending all the more of a non-event.

Don’t get me wrong. LARRY CROWNE is not a bad movie, just an average one. I quite like the idea of a man going back to school and learning how to start his life over. That’s a fairly universal theme. But I firmly believe LARRY CROWNE could’ve been made a better film if several more rewrites of the script would’ve punched up the lead characters and made them more intriguing.

LARRY CROWNE might’ve also fared better, even with its lukewarm leads, if the supporting players were of any interest. But they seem more like writer’s constructs rather than actual human beings. Especially the other students in Larry’s class. I never once got the sense of these kids as real people. The most engaging players are Cedric the Entertainer and Taraji P. Henson as Larry’s loyal friends, but they are not onscreen enough to make a big difference.

In the end, LARRY CROWNE is a decent effort to tell the story of a man starting over. It could’ve been a really good film. Unfortunately, because of two half-baked lead characters, it is merely an average one. And it pains me to write that.

REVIEW UPDATE: Russell Crowe Week # 2 and STAR TREK....

2011-12-07T19:52:00.000-08:00

Evening, all...

Hope everyone is doing well and reveling in the coming of Christmas. It truly is a wonderful time of the year.

At any rate, please note a couple of changes:

1. I've pulled MASTER AND COMMANDER from last week's schedule to save it for another Russell Crowe Week later on. And I pulled TOMORROW NEVER DIES from this week's schedule to take its place.

2. To replace TOMORROW NEVER DIES's spot this week, please expect Jeffrey Abram's excellent STAR TREK to take its place...

Below is STAR TREK's trailer. It's the best trailer I've ever seen. Ever. My # 1 Favorite Trailer of All Time. Perfectly scored, perfectly cut, perfectly told. Terrific preview that promises a soaring adventure. That awesome music has a lot to do with the dynamic effect. And I'm not even a Trekkie.

It's exactly the kind of trailer and music I would want for THE ITALIAN STRIKER's trailer if it ever gets turned into a movie, only instead of space crews, starship battles, and aliens, we'll have epic World Cup soccer battles, a wily and swaggering Italian-American striker, a legendary British team captain, and the passionate photojournalist caught between them.

We can only hope, right?

Have a great rest of the week, folks. Please expect the reviews for STAR TREK, LARRY CROWNE, MIAMI VICE, and ON THE EDGE to post by Sunday...

Buona serrata...