THOR: THE DARK WORLD (2013 - SUPERHERO ADVENTURE / ACTION)
*** out of ***** / 6 out of 10
(Wow! Chris Hemsworth's boobs are bigger than Natalie Portman's!
CAST: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Christopher Eccleston, Anthony Hopkins, Renee Russo, Kat Dennings, Stellan Skarsgaard, Jaimie Alexander, Jonathan Howard, Idris Elba.
DIRECTOR: Alan Taylor
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and compelling reasons to stick to Earthbound heroes - straight ahead.
IT'S LIKE THIS: Ah, Thor... is there a more out-of-place comic book superhero in the pantheon of comic book superheroes? I think not. Think about it: unlike his Earthbound colleagues like Peter Parker/Spiderman, Clark Kent/Superman, Bruce Wayne/Batman, Steve Rogers/Captain America, and Tony Stark/Iron Man, Thor doesn't have an alternate identity. He's just... Thor. And unlike those other dudes who battle crime, corruption, and evil on Earth, he spends half of his time fucking around on his home turf of Asgard with all its political backstabbing and squabbling, clocking only about 50% of his work in our world doing what superheroes should be doing: battling villains and saving Earth.
So... is he really a superhero? Or a member of fucking THE LORD OF THE RINGS universe? We shall discuss that later in the BUT SERIOUSLY portion of our review. For now, let's recap what happened in THOR 1: Thor was tossed out of Asgard for being a drunken hooligan, wound up on Earth where he met hottie astrophysicist Dr. Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and experienced the kind of horrific culture shock that a country bumpkin from Kentucky normally gets while visiting Japan.
Meanwhile back on (yawn) Asgard, Thor's adopted brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) decided to make a power play for the throne and steal it from their dad, Odin (Anthony Hopkins) - which led to some serious fur flying. And trust when I say these Nordic gods are some furry creatures. Anyhow, you don't have to be a rocket scientist of Dr. Jane Foster's caliber to conclude that things eventually ended well: Thor triumphed over Loki, Odin regained control of Asgard, and Jane finally admitted to herself that she would love to suck Thor's balls dry - which left the door open for a sequel.
And here we are now with THOR 2: THE DARK WORLD. As our story starts, Asgard appears to be in the shitter yet again, as trouble looms on the horizon in the form of some sort of "Dark Matter" that is threatening to destroy all of The Nine Realms. And if you have deduced that Earth is one of those realms, then good on you for being a quick study. If not, then with all due respect, don't let the door hit your bony ass on the way out. Thank you.
Anyhow, Dr. Jane Foster is pulled back into the fray when she somehow gets "infected" by the dark matter, and must help Thor battle new baddie Malekith (Christopher Eccleston) to keep the asshole from destroying the Multiverses. However, if you think Dr. Jane turns into a sassy, feisty, decisive sidekick like her fellow hottie movie scientist Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards) from the THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, then it is my sad duty to disappoint you. Suffice it to say, unlike Dr. Christmas, Dr. Jane doesn't blow the whistle on any spies masquerading as nuclear physicists, or defuse nuclear bombs while hurtling through an oil pipeline at 70 miles an hour, or outrun exploding fireballs, or save James Bond from drowning. Nope, Dr. Jane simply just gets dragged around from place to place while looking like she has a really bad flu.
Oh, and we should also mention that Jane's terminally snarky intern Darcy Lewis is back for the ride, with an intern of her own (don't ask). He is Ian Boothboy (Jonathan Howard), and let's just say you just know he and Darcy are going to be trading body fluids before the movie is over. Call it a hunch. Or experience. Also trying to help Thor and Jane from the Earthside is wacky physics professor Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgaard). However, given that Erik can only think clearly when he's not wearing pants, I wouldn't put much stock in him if I were Thor or Jane.
So... will Malekith destroy all of the realms? And what happens when Thor gets so desperate for help that he releases Loki (you know? his brother? the bad guy from the first flick?) to help him? Is Thor so stupid as to believe that Loki wouldn't eventually betray him? Or is there more to Loki than meets the eye? Will he save Thor when it really counts? Or will he see this as another opportunity to grab power and seize the throne of Asgard? And will Jane finally get to knock boots with Thor? Or is she destined to pine for him from afar?
Well, considering she weighs about 1/1000000th of his total body weight, I'm thinking she may not survive coitus. Sweetie, go fuck Peter Parker/Spiderman instead. Less muscles to worry about. Better looking guy, too. Just saying...
BUT SERIOUSLY: In our intro we joked about how Thor is a bit of an anomaly when it comes to the legion of Comic Book Superheroes - but it is actually quite true. Unlike virtually all of the rest of them, Thor has no secret identity, nor does he spend all of his time on Earth. The "ordinary person thrust into an extraordinary role" element of most superhero backgrounds is conspicuously missing with Thor's mythos.
Thor's not like Peter Parker/Spiderman who was your average young man navigating his way through life when he gets bitten by a radioactive spider AND loses his beloved uncle in a mugging - setting the stage for Peter to become a determined vigilante. Nor is Thor like Bruce Wayne/Batman who has a similarly tragic backstory as Peter Parker - but is also infinitely wealthier, making it easy for him to invest in high-tech gadgetry to stomp out crime in Gotham City.
And even Clark Kent/Superman, who superficially resembles Thor in that they are both superbeings from another world, is also different from him. Clark Kent's home planet Krypton was destroyed and he has no choice but to find his way through his new home called Earth, and find a way to co-exist with humans while also protecting his identity as a superbeing. By contrast, Thor is always Thor and he constantly toggles between his home world of Asgard and Earth, which disrupts any momentum or relatability one starts to feel towards him. And unless you find Asgard thoroughly fascinating (we don't) then the excursions to that realm start to feel like leftovers from a cancelled FLASH GORDON sequel. Our outtakes from a LORD OF THE RINGS movie.
And that is the main problem with THOR: THE DARK WORLD - we spend waaaaaaaay too much time in Asgard. Unlike the original THOR from a couple of years ago, this movie is filled with extended passages of Thor, Odin, Loki, Frigga, and the rest of the Immortals engaging in political intrigue in their other-wordly domain. What made the first THOR so engaging was the humor that came out of Thor's conflicts with "the real world" AKA Earth. His interactions with Dr. Jane Foster, Darcy Lewis, and Erik Selvig were all humorous and made the storyline relatable. The excursions to Asgard were kept to a minimum, with the storyline mainly focused on Loki's threat to Earth and its denizens.
Unfortunately, in a clear (and ultimately misguided) attempt to not repeat themselves, the makes of THOR: THE DARK WORLD have chosen to center most of the sequel in Asgard this time. Only in the final act do we return for any significant amount of screen time to Earth for a show-stopping (and movie-saving) climactic battle in the middle of modern-day London. This long setpiece is filled with energy, humor, and fire (both literally and figuratively). Quite frankly, it redeems the film and keeps it from sinking to the average mark. Had director Alan Taylor found a way to energize the narrative much earlier on, this film would have rated as highly as the first THOR did.
The cast is certainly competent. Chris Hemsworth once again proves to be a solid presence as Thor, even though he doesn't necessarily have the emotional depth of Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker/Spiderman or sexy unpredictability of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man. Hemsworth had more to play with, humor-wise, in the first film. Here, he is stuck playing the serious "straight guy" contrast to bad-boy brother Loki (played by Tom Hiddleston in another delicious, show-stealing performance). The character could have used more of the fire he had in the original. Nevertheless, Hemsworth acquits himself well.
Speaking of Loki, Tom Hiddleston manages to turn in an even more interesting (if that's possible) performance than the one in the original film. In THOR, Loki was a complex villain who clearly had chosen the dark side - and Hiddleston infused his portrayal with layers of ice-cold calculation and hidden hurts. Here, he delivers those same dimensions - but enlivens them with a delightfully sardonic humor. THOR: THE DARK WORLD's best plot thread is how Loki is reluctantly freed from his Asgard prison by Thor so that they can help each other overcome new baddie Malekith (Christopher Eccleston, whom let's just say is no Tom Hiddleston when it comes to being a bad guy). Once again, Hiddleston easily steals the show from Hemsworth, and gives us an even more dazzling presentation. Quite frankly, without him this sequel would have been average and nothing more.
Another strong aspect of THOR: THE DARK WORLD is, as with the first movie, its "human" element. Natalie Portman is once again delightful as Dr. Jane Foster, who takes the stereotypical "brainy babe scientist" role and makes it relatable and funny the way Denise Richards did with her similar role as Dr. Christmas Jones in the Bond film THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. As with Richards' casting in that movie, the gorgeous Portman has been knocked for playing a brilliant astrophysicist. However, let's not forget that actually Portman graduated from Harvard, folks. And who says someone so pretty can't have a PhD? A good friend of mine has a boss who is in her late twenties and has a PhD in Bio-Chemistry - and looks like a supermodel. Are Dr. Jane Foster and Dr. Christmas Jones really that unbelievable? Don't think so.
As with the first film, Kat Dennings provides a mother lode of comic relief as Darcy Lewis, Jane's lippy intern. A bonus in this film is Darcy's relationship with her own intern, Ian Boothboy, played with goofy cluelessness by British actor Jonathan Howard. There's a great gag between Darcy and Ian during the climactic battle that is a riot. Darcy's humor once again provides welcome relief from some of the more serious elements of the storyline. Same goes for Stellan Skarsgaard, who gives the role of Erik Selvig even more quirks than in the first film. Running around without pants on to be able to think clearly comes to mind.
Anthony Hopkins, Renee Russo, Idris Elba, Jaimie Alexander, and Ray Stevenson form the pedigreed supporting cast and denizens of Asgard. As with the first film, they all have their "moments in the sun" but are careful to never steal the show from the main performers. Besides, Tom Hiddleston as Loki already did that.
In the end, THOR: THE DARK WORLD is not as good as THOR. However, it does have its moments. Let's hope that the third film spends more time on Earth than Asgard. And let's pray for the return of Darcy and Ian....
