(This is what happens when we do stupid shit like send a broadcast into space inviting aliens to come visit…)
CAST: Jeff Bridges, Karen Allen, Charles Martin Smith, Richard Jaeckel.
DIRECTOR: John Carpenter
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one hot intergalactic romance straight ahead…
I recently conducted a poll among friends on a very, very, very, very, very, very, very important question: if an alien being came to Earth and assumed the form of an extremely hot ex of yours, would you have smoking-hot sex with it? Surprisingly, six out of the eight friends I polled answered “Are you fucking kidding me? Hell, no!” Meanwhile, two of the eight answered: “Yes. I would fuck the shit out of that alien - as long as he looked like a smokin’ hot ex of mine.”
Which is kind of what I would be inclined to do. After all, you gotta figure that an alien knows his way in the sack, right? We’re talking searing orgasms that would keep you limping for days, folks. But I digress! Again! Shocker! Anyway, that above question is the conundrum that faces the heroine of our latest review, the lovely and underrated STARMAN. Basically, it’s like E.T. THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL - except E.T. is actually pretty fucking attractive and Elliot is actually a hot chick.
Our lady is Jenny Hayden (Karen Allen), a Wisconsin widow who is mourning the passing of her husband Scott (Jeff Bridges) in an accident. They say that people grieve in different ways, and have to find their own paths to moving on. Jenny’s path, apparently, involves the following: (1) drinking a shitload of wine; (2) watching film reels of her and Scott goofing around and acting high on life (and other things); and (3) generally bawling her eyes out. In other words, I don’t think this method of recovery is sanctioned by any psychiatrist who didn’t get his/her degree from the back of a cereal box.
No matter, though. Because Jenny’s mourning is rudely interrupted by the arrival of a shiny orb from space carrying… well, I’m not really sure what the fuck it is. I do know it’s some sort of life form that can float in the air and move with deadly intent. No, it’s not a fart, people. If it were, it would not be able to do what it does next: find a lock of Scott’s hair (which Jenny saved) and use it to create a spitting image of him that the life form can inhabit. Cue Jenny’s emergence from her bedroom to find her dead husband come to life right in front of her. Only, he moves like someone just corn-holed him with a scuba tank. And he talks like a toddler high on Benadryl.
You can’t really blame poor Jenny for fainting dead-away. Just imagine: the poor girl wakes up after having slammed back five bottles of Pinot Noir - and she finds her dead husband standing butt-nekkid in front of her. Personally, I’m not one to look a gift-horse in the mouth, and would’ve jumped all over that ass like a starving jack rabbit in a carrot patch. But Jenny is apparently more of a lady than me. Prude.
Anyhow, it quickly becomes apparent that even though this “man” looks like Scott, he is most definitely not of this Earth. We find out through the wonderful use of alien subtitles that “Scott” is actually an alien that fell for Voyager’s invitation to come visit the lovely vacation spot called planet Earth. Except he’s not sure he really wants to be here, and has to rendezvous with the Mother Ship in three days if he hopes to keep his alien ass in one piece. Yes, folks… the Mother Ship. Who says E.T. is the only one who gets to have one?
Before you know it, “Scott” has coerced Jenny into helping him drive from Wisconsin to Arizona, where the Mother Ship will apparently come to pick him up in 72 hours. You’d think that with technology as advanced as theirs, these aliens could, you know, shift their pick-up points just like that. Not these guys, apparently. Clearly, the United States Air Force’s motto of “Flexibility Is The Key To Airpower” means shit to them.
So, off to Arizona Jenny and her alien hubby go. It ain’t going to be a quiet trip, though, because our heroes must contend with a couple of government scientists, Fox and Shermin (Charles Martin Smith, Richard Jaeckel) who must want a promotion really bad, and think that, you know, bagging an alien and shit will make that happen. Good luck with that one, guys. In other words, the chase in on!
Will Jenny and Starman make it to Arizona in one piece? Or will Fox and Shermin catch up with them? What happens when Jenny finds herself falling in love with Starman? Will she be able to say goodbye to him when the Mother Ship comes to pick up his fine ass? Or will Starman decide to stay on Earth with her? Do they stand a chance at having that house, white picket fence, SUV, and 2.5 children?
Let me put it this way: why settle for suburbia when you can own the solar system?
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Someone I know once referred to STARMAN as “E.T. - with sex”. While that description has some truth to it, it also a very simplistic one. STARMAN is much more than that. Many folks will be fooled by the trailer into thinking that this is a slam-bang action movie. While it certainly has elements of that, and they are executed very well, STARMAN is primarily a love story about a woman who gets a chance to shed her grief by confronting her lost love - one last time. Karen Allen and Jeff Bridges nail their roles, and the romance aspect of the film is crucial to the overall effectiveness of the film. If we don’t buy into the love story - there is no story. With Allen and Bridges in the roles, we buy it completely.
Director John Carpenter does an admirable job of telling a story that is both sensitive and kinetic. STARMAN is probably his most atypical film. It’s his most romantic one, and you sometimes have to remind yourself that this is the same guy who directed such horror classics as HALLOWEEN, THE FOG, THE THING, CHRISTINE, PRINCE OF DARKNESS and IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS. To be fair, though, those movies also had pockets of humanity and sensitivity within them. In STARMAN, however, those qualities are brought completely to the fore. And it is a lovely change-of-pace for Carpenter.
Jack Nietzsche’s simple yet effectively poignant score also deserves special mention. Carpenter usually score his own films, but he wisely chose to have someone else compose STARMAN’s. Carpenter’s horror scores are some of the most recognizable themes today. But this film needed a lighter, more ethereal touch - and Nietzsche beautifully gives us that. After all, this movie is a love story at its core, and only a chase film on the exterior.
In the end, STARMAN succeeds both at thrilling us with its “alien-on-the-run” plot thread, and also moving us with its simple yet haunting romance about unexpected, other-worldly love. If you don’t have even one tear in your eye at the end of this movie, you may not be human…
