# 198 - PROM NIGHT (1980)

PROM NIGHT (1980 - HORROR / PARTY FLICK) ***½ out of *****

(I’ve heard of Disco Madness, but this is just insane…)




CAST: Leslie Nielsen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Casey Stevens, Eddie Benton, Marybeth Reubens, Joy Thompson, Antoinette Bower, Pita Oliver, Michael Tough, George Touliatos, Robert Silverman, Jeff Wincott, Sheldon Rybowski.

DIRECTOR: Paul Lynch

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and potentially alarming early-80’s evening wear straight ahead…




Ah, prom night… Is there a more divisive and potentially traumatic young adult experience out there? For most of us, prom night is either: (1) the first awesome “allnighter” of our lives (to be followed by pretty much every night in college or most weekends in the military); or (2) an agonizing ordeal just below “root canals” and “hemmorhoid-removal surgery” on the the list of “Things I’d Rather Die Before Doing.”

Consider my own Prom Night. It was held on the rooftop of a chi-chi hotel in the Southeast Asian country I grew up in. The nightmare began early that evening, when I showed up at the hotel promptly at two minutes before 6:30 PM - the time on the invitations. I immediately discovered that I was the only person there. The fucking band hadn’t even shown up yet. The crickets in the ornamental plants were practically laughing at me.

See, in this particular Southeast Asian county that I grew up in, people are a little, shall we say, flexible with time. In other words, showing up forty minutes late is considered being early. And if you’re someone who - I don’t know - shows up two minutes before the published event start time, you must be... half German/Norwegian. Or an alien. Which might actually be the same thing.

So, needless to say, I waited on that goddamn roof all by myself for almost an hour. Then the band showed up. Then the caterers. Then the rest of the students. Oh, and just to further paint a lovely picture of that evening, let me just add that I also went stag. See, I went to a Catholic school for boys, and most of them grabbed their dates from a nearby Catholic school for girls. To which my response was: “Oh, I don’t think so.” And since my school was pretty much like the military in that I couldn’t exactly ask one of my classmates out, my options were a little limited.

So I decided to think outside the box - and wrote the following letter to Kevin Costner. Yes, that Kevin Costner. It went a little something like this:

Dearest Mr. Costner…

May I call you Kevin? Kevin, you are fucking amazing. You know how I know you’re amazing? I sat through SILVERADO - a western - without doing any of the following: (1) falling asleep; (2) throwing something at the TV; or (3) just keeling over at the sight of all that dust and horse manure. It was because of you, sir, that I endured all that horseshit (no pun intended). That is no small feat. Believe me. Because I fucking hate westerns.

And don’t get me started about NO WAY OUT, where your limousine scene with Sean Young pretty much proved that you can fuck someone’s brains out without first knowing their name - and still be happy about it the next day. By the way, I firmly believe I could’ve played her role better than she did. I think she’s fabulous in that movie, and is pretty hot herself, but I would’ve made a better whore. Just keeping it real...

So, anyway... I have this problem and I'm hoping you can help me. Prom is coming up and I’ll be damned if I’m going to fish for a date from that Den of Cockteases down the street. And let’s just say that the prospects on my end aren’t exactly promising. The priests seems to have a problem with two dudes showing up together. Do I need to point out the irony there? Are they fucking serious?

Whatever. Let me cut to the chase: Kevin Costner, will you take me to the prom? Seriously, you’d be doing me a favor. I know you can easily afford your own airfare, but I’m ready to steal my Dad’s credit card and spring for the plane tickets. I’ll even get a limousine for us. Ahem.

Just let me know,

Toodles,
S.

P.S. I can’t wait to see you in a tux like in the scene when you first met Sean Young in NO WAY OUT. It’s not really the normal prom attire here, because they prefer us to wear these gauzy native dress shirts - but fuck ‘em. It’s my fantasy, and we'll wear whatever the fuck we want.


Strangely, I never got a response. Not even a phone call. I didn’t hold it against him, though. He was probably just busy filming BULL DURHAM. And so, long story short, I went stag to my Prom Night, and I actually still managed to have fun. Mainly by providing running commentary on everyone’s clothes - whether solicited or not. So many bad fashion choices, so little time. Oh, the memories... Brings tears to my eyes. Tears of laughter, that is. Some people cannot fucking dress to save themselves.

Anyhow, that lengthy exposition is just to show that my prom experience wasn’t exactly one for the books. But, frankly, it was downright heavenly compared to the characters of our next review. PROM NIGHT revolves around four teenagers who inadvertently caused the death of a playmate six years ago, and are now targeted my a masked killer who seems to be intent on evening the score. And the night the killer picks to declare “open season” on our teens is... Prom Night.

Fuck. And I was pissed off about Kevin Costner standing me up.

Anyway, our story starts with our foursome as twelve-year olds playing a game of “Killer” in an abandoned convent. Apparently, “Killer” is a wackier version of “Hide and Seek.” Something tells me these brats have seen FRIDAY THE 13TH and HALLOWEEN one too many times. The kids are Nick, Wendy, Kelly, and Jude - and they seem to be enjoying this game a little too much.

In the middle of all of this, three other kids show up: Kim, Alex, and Robin. Kim dashes back to school because she forgot one of her books, while Alex heads on home. Robin, on the other hand, decides she wants to join the wacky foursome playing “Killer” inside the convent. This turns out badly, though, because Nick and the others turn on Robin and end up scaring her right out of a top floor window - and onto some plate glass on the lawn below. Let’s just say they really are killers now.

Understandably freaked, the foursome vow to keep the accident a secret, and skedaddle out of there before anyone can discover their “oopsie” - and before you can say “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!” Unfortunately, a shadowy figure nearby has seen the whole thing, and watches as Nick, Wendy, Kelly, and Jude vamoose it out of there on their bikes. No doubt crapping their pants in the process.

Flash forward six years and we discover that our little killers have grown to be sort-of hot high school seniors: (1) Nick (Casey Stevens) is a stud muffin who really needs a haircut; (2) Wendy (Eddie Benton) is Ultra-Mega-Alpha-Biyatch who used to date Nick and still wants him; (3) Kelly (Marybeth Reubens) is a virginal goodie-goodie with lips bigger than most sectional sofas; and (4) Jude (Joy Thompson) is a goofy brainy chick who is desperate for a prom date.

Just to make things more interesting, Nick is also dating Kim (Jamie Lee Curtis), older sister of the dead Robin. Of course, Kim doesn’t know that her Mr. Right is also Mr. Scared My Little Sister Out Of A Top Floor Window. If she did, you think she’d be accepting a corsage from him, let alone accepting his tongue into her mouth?

And to make things even more interesting, it appears that the vagrant that the cops unfairly pinned Robin’s death on six years ago escaped from a mental institution and appears to be headed back in the direction of the convent. Sure enough, a mysterious stranger phones in death threats to Nick, Wendy, Kelly, and Jude. None of them really take it seriously, though. Big mistake. Very big.

Not even when their ripped-up yearbook pictures creepily materialize inside their lockers do they even bat an eyelash. I guess I was right when I said these fuckers had seen one too many slasher movies. Either that, or they just have balls the size of two of Jupiter's moons. Let's just say that bravery will soon be tested. By an axe.

Who saw Nick, Wendy, Kelly, and Jude accidentally kill Robin? Is it the crazy vagrant who was unjustly blamed for the death? Has he escaped to plot revenge? Why now? Why during Prom Night? Or is someone else behind the death threats? Who will escape the killer? Nick? Wendy? Kelly? Jude? Or will they all bite it? And will Kim discover that her own boyfriend was partly responsible for her sister’s death? Will she then see Nick for the bushy-haired bastard that he is? And why the hell do these people keep wandering away from the party? Don’t they know they’d have nothing to worry about if they stayed on the dance floor? And speaking of dancing: What. The fuck. Is up. With that. Dance Number?

You'll see. And unless you really loved "Dance Fever" and "Soul Train", you are guaranteed to piss yourself laughing.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for BLACK CHRISTMAS (review # 192) we discussed the Holiday/Event-Themed Slasher Film. This sub-genre of the Horror Genre usually revolves around a group of partying youths who are targeted by a killer during a major holiday or event. While BLACK CHRISTMAS paved the way in 1974, the resounding success of HALLOWEEN four years later cemented the template that many others would imitate.

One of the better Holiday/Event-Themed Slasher Films that sprung up in the wake of HALLOWEEN’s success was a Canadian offering called PROM NIGHT. In fact, Canada would provide some of the better entries in the post-HALLOWEEN and FRIDAY THE 13th slasher era. MY BLOODY VALENTINE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, TERROR TRAIN, and CURTAINS were other strong contributions to the sub-genre. Make not mistake though: PROM NIGHT is the best of them.

For a slasher movie, a decent amount of thought went into the script. The characters, while not the deepest, are sufficiently vivid and memorable. It helps that each of the roles is ideally cast. Jamie Lee Curtis was on her way to becoming the Scream Queen of the early 80's because of her roles in HALLOWEEN, TERROR TRAIN, and this film - and she shows us why. The woman can scream. Plus, she knows how to convey her heroines’ strengths without turning brittle. Which goes a long way in keeping them likable. Kim Hammond is no exception.

The interesting thing about PROM NIGHT, though, is that Kim is never really in jeopardy, despite being the heroine. This is interesting for a slasher because the heroine is also usually the “Final Girl” - a term that means the last surviving character who must duke it out with the killer at the end. In PROM NIGHT, however, we get more of a “Final Guy”: Nick. In that role, Casey Stevens is good, and the script wisely turns him into a conflicted character. He loves Kim, but he also feels understandably guilty about the secret he’s carrying. It’s this added layer that makes PROM NIGHT better than your average Holiday/Event-Themed Slasher.

As for the other three guilty parties, Marybeth Reubens, Joy Thompson, and Eddie Benton are all solid as, respectively, the innocent Kelly, the quirky Jude, and the bitchy Wendy. Each of these actresses makes her role distinct and defined. Benton, in particular, is memorable as Wendy, and her character is the centerpiece of the film’s best scene: an extended chase sequence through the darkened school where Wendy and the killer play a terrifying game of cat-and-mouse. This chase scene is now considered a classic and has been much-imitated, especially in 1997’s I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER and practically any post-SCREAM slasher film.

Another terrific sequence is the climactic battle between Nick, Kim, and the killer. The way this scene unfolds, with the disco music blaring in the background, is an interesting contrast to your typical slasher film climax. The revelation of “whodunit” is also extremely poignant and heartbreaking - especially for this kind of film. You may shed a tear or two.

The only thing that keeps PROM NIGHT from rating higher is because I wish the script would have also explored Wendy, Jude, and Kelly’s feelings of guilt over Robin’s death. We see a lot of this with Nick, especially in relation to his now-intimate relationship with Kim. But as for the other three guilty parties, we never really get a sense of what they feel about the dark secret they share. Which is odd, considering Kelly and Jude are now good friends with Kim.

Even with these flaws, though, PROM NIGHT is still a very strong entry in the Holiday/Event-Themed Slasher sub-genre that isn‘t afraid to play around with the formula - especially so soon after its inception. The film’s tragic ending also gives it an emotional resonance that many others from this sub-genre lack. Which is the case with its thoroughly pedestrian and misguided 2008 remake.

The difference between the original and the remake is the former knows what it’s doing, while the latter is simply faking it. And that makes a big difference.

UPCOMING REVIEWS FOR THE WEEK OF 1/3/11 - 1/9/11

Hiya, folks...

First, let me assure you that last week's Party Flicks reviews will be posted by this Friday. We're seven reviews behind because of Yuletide Partying.

And below is the list for this coming week's theme: Americans Imperiled Overseas - in honor of the recent release of THE TOURIST. Each movie is about an American who gets sucked into an adventure/mystery/thriller while on foreign shores. As someone who's spent most of his life overseas, I can totally relate...

We will start in Asia and work our way to the Carribean and then to Europe...

# 205 - RED CORNER: 1997 (AKA: Richard Gere, Fucking Around in China)

# 206 - THE LAST SAMURAI: 2003 (AKA: Tom Cruise, Fucking Around in Japan)

# 207 - AGAINST ALL ODDS: 1984 (AKA: Jeff Bridges and Rachel Award, Fucking Around (Literally) In Cozumel)

# 208 - SMILLA'S SENSE OF SNOW: 1997 (AKA: Julia Ormond, Fucking Around in Denmark and Greenland)

# 209 - INCOGNITO: 1997 (AKA: Jason Patric and Irene Jacob, Fucking Around In England)

# 210 - THE BOURNE IDENTITY: 2002 (AKA: Matt Damon, Fucking Around in Paris)

# 211 - THE TOURIST: 2010 (AKA: Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, Fucking Around In Italy.)













Get your passports ready! And run for cover!

REVIEW UPDATE: The Party Flicks...

Hello, folks...

Yup. I knew the holidays were going to put a crimp in our review schedule. Sure enough, because of an eventful Christmas/New Year season, we are about seven reviews behind. All the Christmas Flicks are posted, but the seven Party Flicks for this past New Year's week are still pending. Please expect those to post sometime throughout next week. As a reminder, the list of Party Flicks is below:

# 198 - PROM NIGHT (HORROR)

# 199 - THE POOL (HORROR

# 200 - I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER (COMEDY)

# 201 - CAN'T HARDLY WAIT (COMEDY)

# 202 - THE ALLNIGHTER (COMEDY)

# 203 - BACHELOR PARTY (COMEDY)

# 204 - TERROR TRAIN (HORROR)






Also please expect the list for next week's review to post. Our theme is... Americans Imperiled Overseas... Yup, it's another thrill ride...

List to post shortly...

# 197 - THE HOLIDAY (2006)

THE HOLIDAY (2006 - COMEDY / ROMANCE / CHRISTMAS FLICK) *** out of *****

(Hmmmmm… this home exchange thing is intriguing… a little fucked-up, but also intriguing…)




CAST: Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Jack Black, Ed Burns, Rufus Sewell, Eli Wallach, Shannyn Sossamon.

DIRECTOR: Nancy Meyers

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and ridiculously expensive last minute transatlantic airfare…




In the late 90’s, bestselling novelist Maeve Binchey published the exceedingly lovely novel “Tara Road.” It revolves around two emotionally-wounded women - one Irish and the other, American - who exchange homes during a fateful summer. In doing so, they unexpectedly find themselves rejuvenated not only by the change of scenery, but also by the new network of friendly (and not-so-friendly) faces in their orbits.

“Tara Road” was turned into a movie in 2005 starring Andie MacDowell and Olivia Williams. Just like the novel, while it wasn’t perfect, it was a warm and likable account of two lost souls finding their way back to the land of the living by engaging with others. It didn’t hurt that Ms. MacDowell and Ms. Williams are two lovely and talented actresses who make the journey worthwhile.

And then there’s THE HOLIDAY, director Nancy Meyers’ latest glam-fest about privileged chicks and their love life woes. Released about six years after “Tara Road” was published, and about a year after TARA ROAD the movie was released, THE HOLIDAY covers the same territory: two emotionally-wounded women - one American, one British - exchange homes in hopes of triggering a life-change. The only difference is THE HOLIDAY takes place over Christmas. Oh, and the women are younger and blonde.

Whether or not “Tara Road” inspired THE HOLIDAY, I will leave up to you folks to discuss. What I will say is this: THE HOLIDAY is basically TARA ROAD in finer, flashier garb. Our two lovelorn chicks are: (1) Amanda (Cameron Diaz), a hot but brittle L.A. trailer-producer (as in: movie previews) whose boyfriend Ethan (Ed Burns) has been cheating on her with his receptionist (very imaginative, E.); and (2) Iris (Kate Winslet), a meek London journalist who has got serious googley eyes for Jasper (Rufus Sewell), an asshole ex-boyfriend who’s been stringing her along.

Amanda, refusing to spend Christmas alone in L.A. decides to go on home-swapping site to find a place in England so she can… spend Christmas alone there. In a cold, clammy place where she doesn’t know a soul. How did Amanda get so successful again? Anyhow, turns out Iris has her cottage listed on the site - and just like that, she and Amanda make a deal with the Real Estate Devil and hop on criss-crossing transatlantic flights.

Let me just come out and say that I really think Amanda gets the raw end of the deal here. While Iris’s cottage is lovely in a Kinkade painting sort of way, it also looks just a little bigger than my flat, with a roof that seems a sneeze or two from caving in. Meanwhile, Iris gets to hunker down in Amanda’s L.A. domicile, which looks like the bastard child of the Guggenheim museum and an issue of Architectural Digest. And it’s about as big as the building that I live in. How’s that for balance?

Whatever. Soon enough, our ladies get comfy in their new (temporary) abodes. As you can imagine, Iris is just ecstatic about having a place as big as the Chinese Theatre all to herself. Amanda, on the other hand, tries to console herself with being stuck in what amounts to a Hansel and Gretel type of cabin. Either that, or she really just likes to drink a lot of wine.

Fortunately, things start to look up for Amanda when she makes the acquaintance of Graham (Jude Law). Actually, I should rephrase that, because to make someone’s acquaintance means you say “Hello, how are you?” and make pleasant chit-chat. You don’t usually fuck their brains out. Which is what Amanda does. Yes, folks… our lovely Amanda succumbs to the Vacation Courage Syndrome. You know how you go on holiday to some exotic, far-flung place and become so brazen and seductive you don’t even recognize yourself anymore? And you basically end up becoming irresistible catnip to everything and everyone around you because of said newfound brazenness (is that a word?)? Which means you end up, well, getting a lot of action? Well, that’s what happens to our dear Amanda. This syndrome is also known as What Happens In [INSERT TRAVEL DESTINATION HERE], Stays In [INSERT TRAVEL DESTINATION HERE].

In the meantime, across the pond in the U.S., Iris is almost as busy. To wit, she: (1) meets a lovely older man named Arthur Abbott (Eli Wallach), a retired screenwriter who has loads of memories of Golden Hollywood; and (2) Miles (Jack Black), a charming if a little rotund movie music composer. Iris strikes up a friendship with both men, which is fine if we’re just talking about being friends. Unfortunately, as romantic prospects, both of these guys are not exactly promising. For starters, Arthur, while a stellar human being, is also older than the Hollywood sign. And Miles, while sweet if a little overweight, is hung up on hottie actress Maggie (Shannyn Sossamon).

While Iris is stuck in the thankless role of “Good Friend Who Isn’t Getting Any Nookie,” Amanda is busy living the role of “Horny American Overseas Who Is Getting Quite A Lot of Nookie, Actually.” Unfortunately, she and Graham make the mistake of (goddamnit) falling in love. Which poses a problem since Amanda is headed back to the City of Angels in about a week. And neither she nor Graham is exactly aces at long-distance relationships. I mean, seriously: who is?

So… will Graham and Amanda work something out? Or is their romance doomed to join the “Archives Of What Might Have Been?” What about Miles and Iris? Will Miles realize that Maggie is just using him and kick her anorexic ass to the curb? Or will he continue to allow himself to be abused in the tradition of the “Nice Guy Who Just Doesn’t Learn?” Will Iris find some gumption and fight for her man? And what about Arthur? Will he successfully mentor Iris in the way of Los Angeles men and the games they play? Will Amanda freak out when she finds out that Iris has been ransacking her DVD collection?

I would. Because unless the “home-swap” thing involves using the hot gardeners and pool guys, as well, you can forget that shit.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Before I discovered “Tara Road” and its cinematic adaptation, I used to think that THE HOLIDAY’s premise was so cleverly original. The idea of two women “in crisis” swapping homes and then becoming healed because of it was dynamite. Of course, while I always felt that THE HOLIDAY’s execution of that idea was just a tad formulaic, I had to give it props for an original idea.

Then I found out about the novel “Tara Road” which deals with the same subject matter, but to a more satisfying degree. Now, “Tara Road” was published in the late 90’s (over five years before THE HOLIDAY was released) and even became a selection of Oprah Winfrey’s book club, so it’s not like it wasn’t well-known. Realizing that THE HOLIDAY’s premise wasn’t so original after all has made me re-assess my view of it.

While both the novel and film of “Tara Road” also deal with the life-changing influence of a home swap between two women over a fateful summer, they are not romantic comedies, per se. Rather, TARA ROAD chronicles how each woman’s network of family and friends affects, enriches, and awakens the other. As TARA ROAD’s tagline goes: “Sometimes to find yourself, you need to lose yourself in someone else’s life…” TARA ROAD is basically about triumphing over loss by reaching out and strengthening our connections to other people.

THE HOLIDAY, on the other hand, treads closer to Romantic Comedy Genre formula. Its message is that our heroines will be well again… as long as they meet a man. Which, frankly, is a bit disturbing to me. While both Amanda and Iris are portrayed as smart, capable professional women in the early going, this cool competence is sort of undermined in later scenes when “getting the guy” becomes the most important thing to them. I suppose I would like THE HOLIDAY more if I hadn’t discovered TARA ROAD and see how much better it tells the same story.

TARA ROAD goes beneath the surface of its heroines' journey, and doesn’t make “a man” their ultimate prize. In THE HOLIDAY, we’re dealing with yet another film that assures us all will be well as long as we meet “the one.” Which is highly untrue. In short, while TARA ROAD went deeper, THE HOLIDAY contents itself to rest on the surface and be cute. Only in a couple of scene involving Kate Winslet’s heartbroken Iris do we get anything approaching depth.

The first is the scene where Iris reveals to Miles her reason for leaving England for the holidays. The second - and the loveliest scene in the film - is when she escorts the aging Arthur to a ceremony to recognize his screenwriting contributions. In fact, almost all of Iris and Arthur’s scenes together soar because they focus on friendship and not cutesy romantic cliché. Iris and Arthur’s connection, as well as Winslet and Eli Wallach’s tender performances, elevates the film above the average mark.

The Iris-Miles romance is pleasant enough and quirky because Jack Black isn’t exactly who we think of as a romantic comedy lead. Unfortunately, he and Winslet have very little chemistry and their scenes together never really ignite. They come across more as brother and sister.

A little better, chemistry-wise, is Cameron Diaz and Jude Law. In the end, though, their plot thread and romance is short-changed by the constant cutting back to L.A. to see what’s going on with Miles, Iris, and Arthur. Fortunately, Diaz and Law possess just the right blend of cool beauty, hidden melancholy, and dry humor to keep us engaged. The fact that their characters try their hardest (but still fail) to be clear-eyed and unemotional about their involvement is another plus.

In the end, THE HOLIDAY is a very different film from TARA ROAD, despite the similar “home-swap” premise. THE HOLIDAY is a film determined to be a fluffy romantic comedy about unexpectedly finding Mr. Right, while TARA ROAD is an offbeat story more focused on what’s really going on within its heroines’ minds and hearts. That’s a big difference.

I will be reviewing TARA ROAD as part of another Girl Power Week at the beginning of February. It’s a lovely film that makes THE HOLIDAY look like, well, fluff.

# 196 - GREMLINS (1984)

GREMLINS (1984 - COMEDY / HORROR / CHRISTMAS FLICK) **** out of *****

(When all’s said and done, it ain’t exactly the ideal pet, is it?)




CAST: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Hoyt Axton, Frances Lee McCain, Glynn Turman, Corey Feldman, Polly Holliday.

DIRECTOR: Joe Dante

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and overly-exotic (not too mention overly-aggressive) pets straight ahead…




I remember the first time I saw GREMLINS as a kid. I walked out of the cinema thinking one thing: “I want a Mogwai. And I want it now.”

Sadly, as we all know, Mogwai do not exist in the real world, just in the movies. Probably a good thing since, while cute and eminently huggable, Mogwai are even more high-maintenance than Miranda Priestley. Consider that these things apparently come with three inviolable rules.

Now, any pet owner knows that all animals have certain caveats. With dogs, you need to resign yourself to the fact that your shoes and carpet will likely become very acquainted with their digestive juices - as well as to the fact that “potty walks” are going to be part of your life from now on. With cats, you must accept that you are now lower than dirt, and exist only to feed their every craving and whim - or else you might wake up in the middle of the night with their claws buried in the small of your back. Not that I know anything about that. Ahem.

At any rate, the three rules that go with owning a Mogwai are much more complicated than destroyed footwear or painful lacerations. To wit, they are: (1) Never expose the Mogwai to bright light - especially sunlight which will kill it; (2) Never get the Mogwai wet or it will multiply; and (3) Never feed the Mogwai after midnight - or it will turn into… a Gremlin.

Now, let me just say one thing about that last bit: this is not a pretty transformation. See, Mogwais are cute, adorable, and resemble fluffy white cats - but without the hidden diabolical intent (trust me - I own a fluffy white cat who, as I write this, is planning to take over my neighborhood). Gremlins, on the other hand, are hideous, vicious, and are about as lovable as a smoker on Day 1 of going cold turkey. In other words, not exactly something you’d want to rub against your leg in the middle of the night. Unless you’re not particularly attached to your leg. Because you literally won’t be attached to it for much longer.

Anyhow, our story gets kick-started when goofy traveling salesman, Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton), picks up a Christmas gift for son Billy (Zach Galligan) in San Francisco’s Chinatown. If you’re thinking Randall picks up a lovely Chinese lantern or an exquisite folding screen or some other such treat, prepare to watch your expectations plummet like the Titanic. Nope, Dad gets his boy a… Mogwai.

Dun-Duh-Dun-DUN!

Randall is told by the shop owner’s grandson (who, by the way, conducted the transaction completely behind Gramps’ back) about The Three Rules. Randall, in turn, passes these rules on to Billy. Billy barely hears him, though, because he’s fallen head-over-heels for the furry little fucker and named him “Gizmo.” Which pretty much proves that Billy can’t possibly love him that much. Otherwise, he would’ve chosen a name like “Russell,” or “Colin,” or “Alessandro.”

Anyhow, Billy manages to follow the rules for a little while. Unfortunately, when nosy neighborhood dweeb Pete (Corey Feldman) visits one day, the klutzy bastard knocks over a glass of water onto poor Gizmo - who promptly begins thrashing about like someone just shoved a cattleprod up his ass. Soon, five furballs pop out from the bigger furball that is Gizmo - and BAM! Just like that, we have… five more Gizmos.

Unfortunately, Gizmo’s “sons” didn’t inherit his adorable personality. On the contrary, they seem to have inherited the traits of Hannibal Lecter, Elektra King, Catherine Trammell, Hans Gruber, and the Tasmanian Devil. In other words, while they may appear cute and cuddly as their progenitor, they’re really Satan’s Posse. Which does not bode well for the annual Peltzer Christmas Eve fete.

Sure enough, our cunning fivesome trick Billy into feeding them after midnight - which triggers their transformation into… Gremlins.

What happens now? Will the Gremlins destroy Billy’s family? What about the town? And what happens when one of them falls into a pool? If five drops of water created five more creatures, what damage can an entire pool do? Is it curtains for sleepy Kingston Falls? How will Pete, his girlfriend Kate (Phoebe Cates), and Gizmo stop the madness? And the most pressing question of all: in this day and age of genetic wizardry, can someone please create a frickin’ Mogwai already?

I mean it. Do it now. Seriously. I want one.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: Coming across as more of a comedy with some horror highlights mixed in, GREMLINS is fine entertainment that effectively blends laughs, wonder, terror, and thrills. It never takes itself too seriously, which helps a lot in keeping just the right amount of levity to the proceedings. It also manages to convey a genuine sense of awe, primarily when exploring the nature of the creatures, which pretty much puts us in a child-like frame of mind. All the better to enjoy the ride.

Director Joe Dante has experience in blending comedy and chills, having handled such fine fare as PIRANHA (1978) and THE HOWLING (1981). Dante, like Hitchcock, understands that laughter and fear are two sides of the same coin, and complement each other very well. He also understands that the Horror Comedy Genre is one that is hard to get right. You have to be very precise with your formula, otherwise the whole thing feels schizophrenic. However, while PIRANHA and THE HOWLING were primarily horror films with tongue-in-cheek humor, GREMLINS is primarily a comedy with tongue-in-cheek horror. And just like those other two, the latter gets the formula right.

Aiding Dante is a stellar cast that turns in uniformly good and vivid performances. Zach Galligan as Billy is the perfect “boy-next-door” type to act as our “portal” character into the zany madness. The exceedingly lovely Phoebe Cates is equally ideal as Kate, the loyal girl in Billy’s life who helps him save the town. Corey Feldman is good in an early role, while character actors Hoyt Axton, Frances Lee McCain, Glynn Turman, and Polly Holiday are memorable as the various townspeople of Kingston Falls who must contend with the Gremlin epidemic.

Special mention should go to the special effects crew. The Mogwai are realistic enough to make you want one, while the Gremlins are believably aggressive. Kudos also the late Master of Movie Music, Jerry Goldsmith, for his score - which somehow manages to be festive and frightening at the same time. The man was a musical genius.

In the end, GREMLINS successfully treads that tricky path that most Comedy/Horror Flicks stumble at. That is no small achievement.

# 195 - SCROOGED (1988)

SCROOGED (1988 - COMEDY / CHRISTMAS FLICK) ** out of *****

(Once an asshole, always an asshole…)



CAST: Bill Murray, Karen Allen, Alfre Woodard, Bobcat Goldthwait, Robert Forsythe, David Johansen, Robert Mitchum.

DIRECTOR: Richard Donner

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and severe bastardization of A CHRISTMAS CAROL straight ahead.




Anyone who follows this blog knows that I love Sir Bill Murray. This is one of the guys who made droll humor popular in the United States, after all. I often wonder if he’s a Brit trapped in an Yank’s body. Sir Bill has toplined some hilarious films like STRIPES, GHOSTBUSTERS, GROUNDHOG DAY, LOST IN TRANSLATION, MEATBALLS, GARFIELD, and WILD THINGS.

Well, okay, that last one was mostly unintentionally hilarious. But it’s downright golden, humor-wise, in comparison to our next review, which does the unthinkable: this movie makes Sir Bill seem, well, unfunny. Now, excuse me for a moment while I go back and flagellate myself for having typed those words. Note to the perverts out there: do not confuse “flagellate” with “fellate.” I’m not that flexible.

Okay, I’m back. Barely. Anyhow, I never thought I’d ever watch a Sir Bill Murray film that I detested. Even overrated fare like CADDYSHACK was saved by Sir Bill’s unique “dry nut” presence. It grieves me to say that there’s actually one film that Sir Bill couldn’t save. In fact, he has a strong hand in doing it in. More on that in the BUT, SERIOUSLY portion of this review.

The movie with the lamentable title of “Movie Where Sir Bill Kind of Sucks” is SCROOGED. A modern, allegedly-comic spin of the classic and oft-filmed Charles Dickens tale, “A Christmas Carol,” SCROOGED revolves around a narcissistic asshole named Frank Cross (Sir Bill) who is just one step away from being Satan. Frank is meant to be a modern-day, young, but no less loathsome incarnation of Ebenezer Scrooge.

Except that Frank actually may make Scrooge look like a cub scout leader, by comparison. To wit, Frank is a cutthroat television network president who does the following: (1) peddle a line of Christmas programming so disturbing it actually makes old ladies attempt suicide; (2) throws an underling out onto the street after he voices an objection to said disturbing Christmas programming; (3) force his secretary, Grace (Alfred Woodard), to work long hours and miss her son’s important appointment; (4) gives utterly shitty presents to his family like… towels; and (5) generally goes around yelling at everyone at the top of his voice.

Anyone who’s read “A Christmas Carol” or seen any of its gazillion movie adaptations know that it’s just as a matter of time before Frank’s comeuppance comes a’calling. Sure enough, he is visited by the phantom of a former network president, Lew Hayward (John Forsythe). Seems that Lew was Frank’s hard-drinking, high-living, underling-abusing mentor who taught Frank all the deplorable things that Frank now unleashes on everyone around him. It looks like death has not been kind to Lew, and he warns Frank to change his ways… or end up like him. Which means having some really bad skin, apparently. Hope they have Retin-A in the afterlife.

If you think Frank takes any of this seriously, you are obviously mistaking Frank for someone who takes ugly ghosts seriously. But, as everyone who knows what Ebenezer eventually had to go through in “A Christmas Carol,” this won’t be the last royally fucked-up revenant who will be parading through Frank’s orbit. Far from it, as there are three more of them waiting in the wings to give Frankie that what-for: (1) The Ghost of Christmas Past (David Johansen); (2) The Ghost of Christmas Present (Carol Kane); and (3) The Ghost of Christmas To Come (Your Guess Is As Good As Mine Since He Has No Face).

Will Frank see the error of his way? Will he realize just how much a shit he’s been? Will he start treating Grace and his underlings in a manner more befitting a human being? Or will he continue being the colossal prick that he is? Will our quartet of ghosts make him realize just how much he loves his college sweetheart, Claire (Karen Allen)? Will she even want him back? Or is Frank pretty much a lost cause? And what’s up with those Ghosts anyway? Don’t they have mirrors in the great beyond so they can check their goddamn appearance before showing up on this this side? Jeeeez…

Whatever. I still think Sir Bill deliberately fucked up his performance as an elaborate practical joke. No, I don’t know what denial means.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: As I mentioned in the intro, and as much as it grieves me to write, Sir Bill’s performance in SCROOGE is its major liability. He’s just so ridiculously over-the-top that its hard to care about his character’s transformation from unrepentant asshole to flawed and contrite human being. He seems to think that screaming his lines will make them funnier. Sadly, that is not the case.

That might have been forgiven if the film itself was actually funny. Unfortunately, it is only mildly amusing in fits and starts. Most of the time, the cast just seems desperate to win any laughs they can. The singing climax is particularly painful. And when the film ends, you’re actually relieved.

This is all the more shocking because of Bill Murray’s near-flawless track record. He has played serious roles effectively (THE RAZOR’S EDGE, LOST IN TRANSLATION) without sacrificing humor, and this is the same approach he should’ve taken in SCROOGED. If we don’t buy into Frank Cross as a character in the beginning, then we won’t give a whit about his transformation.

In the early going of the film, the script does try to establish Frank’s cruel nature. However, by virtue of either director Richard Donner’s instruction or Bill Murray’s own choice, Frank is portrayed as a gross and repellent caricature that we don‘t care about. Bill Murray doesn’t deliver a performance so much as yell out his lines. Couple this central problem with the fact that most of the humor is simply grating, and you’ve got a film whose initial promise is squandered. In fact, the only that keeps this film from rating in the Crap Zone (*1/2 and below) are a couple of sharp lines and scenes.

Most of the cast, with the notable exception of its leads and a couple of others, are okay. The best performances comes from Alfre Woodard and Karen Allen as, respectively, Grace and Claire - the two good women who are badly treated by Frank in the early going. Veteran actors John Forsythe, Carol Kane, and Robert Mitchum are vivid in their small but pivotal roles, while relative newcomers (for 1988, anyway) David Johansen and Bobcat Goldthwait follow Bill Murray’s lead of overplaying their roles.

All in all, a big disappointment. Like opening a beautifully-wrapped Christmas present - only to find a lump of coal inside.

REVIEW UPDATE: The Rest of the Christmas Flicks, The Party Flicks, and Next Week's Schedule...

Hi, folks...

I'm trying to post these update from my phone so I have to move fast:

1. First of all, hope everyone had a kickin' New Year's Eve! No matter what you did, I hope you had fun!

2. The last three Christmas Flicks (SCROOGED, GREMLINS, THE HOLIDAY) shall post by tomorrow night.

3. Then there's the seven Party Flicks reviews from this past week. Because we've gotten behind due to party prep, partying, and the Holidays in general, those reviews will have to post throughout the next week - along with next week's Imperiled Americans Overseas Flicks week. The list of movies will post tomorrow.

4. Again, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Now, please excuse me. I need more aspirin...