(Save your coins, bitches…)
CAST: Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel, Angelica Huston, Don Johnson, Dax Shepard, Jon Heder, Will Arnett, Kristen Schaal, Alexis Dziena, Kate Micucci.
DIRECTOR: Mark Steven Johnson
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and potential harm to your eyeballs because of possible over-rolling - straight ahead…
When it came time to pick movies for this week’s “Jelly Bean Grab Bag” theme, I was loathe to pick another romantic comedy, having recently endured a week’s worth of, ahem, Chick Flicks. Unfortunately, despite my exposure to dangerously high levels of cinematic estrogen, I felt that I should select one rom-com to balance out the thrillers, dramas, actioners, and animated flicks rounding out the list. And I figured if I was going to review one, it might as well be set in my favorite place on Earth. Yes, the Land of All Things Beautiful and Delicious: Italy.
WHEN IN ROME is a Kristen Bell-Josh Duhamel fluff-piece about workaholic NYC curator Beth (Kristen Bell) who attends her sister Joan’s (Alexis Dziena) wedding in Rome. Evidently, Joan met her gorgeous Italian bridegroom Umberto (Luca Calvani) just two weeks earlier, and the crazy kids are already planning to add “rings” right after “body fluids” on the list of things they’re swapping. This dismays the more measured and cautious Beth, who has always put work ahead of relationships.
Little good this has done Beth’s career, though, because she still has to put up with ice queen boss Celeste (Angelica Huston), who must own at least ten copies of THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA DVD, given how she delivers all her lines in a cooler-than-frost whisper and glares at everyone like she‘s channeling Meryl Streep. Belittling Beth’s youth and lack of experience, Celeste does everything short of throw a coat at her - or slip a poisoned apple onto her desk. Needless to say, when Celeste learns that Beth has to go to Rome to attend Joan’s wedding, she is not pleased. See, there’s an important exhibit coming up and Beth is in charge of acquiring the centerpiece - and her personal affairs are getting in the way.
Assuring the She-Devil that her trip will be very short and not affect the event, Beth skedaddles to Rome, where she discovers the following: (1) Dad (Don Johnson) has married yet another Amazonian bimbo, (2) Mom (Peggy Lipton) is still bitter about Dad’s endless parade of Amazonian bimbos, (3) Joan is still a hopelessly romantic idiot, (4) Umberto is smokin’ hot, and (5) the best man is Nick (Josh Duhamel), an American college pal of Umberto’s who also has the sexiest bedroom eyes this side of Russell Crowe and Amber Valletta.
Of course, given that they are played by Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel, Beth and Nick strike some sparks during the reception. Unfortunately, the budding “wedding hook-up” crashes back to Earth when Beth espies Nick kissing a hot Italian chick (is there any other kind?) by the famous Fontana Di Trevi. Utterly furious that Nick won’t be taking her “around the world” after all, Beth slams back a whole bottle of Pinot Blanco and totters over to the Trevi Fountain. Legend has it that tossing a coin into the fountain will bring love to the, uh, tosser. However, being the disillusioned cynic (and recent pussy-block victim) that she is, Beth instead snatches up five coins from the bottom of the fountain to save the wishers from the agony of love. Look, man, I didn’t write the fucking script, okay? If I did, I would have turned the whole thing into a horror movie.
Unfortunately, this concludes the Italian chapter of our story as Beth returns to New York to resume her life as a brow-beaten curator without a love life - but with a worn-out vibrator. To her shock, though, she suddenly finds herself being pursued by: (1) Nick, who seems eager to hook-up with her again; (2) Lance (Jon Heder), a bizarro street magician with bad highlights; (3) Antonio (Will Arnett), an artist who claims to be Italian but who looks about as Italian as, well, Will Arnett; (4) Al (Danny DeVitto), an art patron who looks more like a plumber; and (5) Gale (Dax Shephard), an utter tool who claims to be a male model despite looking more like the guy who just rang up our Pinot Noir at Safeway earlier tonight. Nice pecs on that beast, though…
At any rate, these five lovesick morons inexplicably chase Beth from one side of Manhattan to the other, pledging their undying love to her. For her part, Beth is completely agog that she is suddenly the shiz-nit of Fifth Avenue - especially considering she was its whipping-girl right before her trip to Rome. She doesn’t remain confused for long, though. Joan, ever the loving and sweet sister, takes about three minutes from fucking Umberto to call her sis and share the following: (1) the local Rome papers snapped pics of Beth taking those five coins out of the fountain, (2) called her “Stupidissima!”, (3) and put it all over the front page. Then Joan goes back to fucking Umberto. As well she should.
Later, Joan stops fucking Umberto long enough again to tell Beth that, according to the legend, anyone who takes someone’s coin out of the fountain will be punished by… having the coin’s owner fall in love with him/her. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem for Beth if the five guys whose coins she’s stolen are Russell Crowe, Chris Evans, Sam Worthington, Daniel Craig, and Clark Kent. Then she’d have some serious eye candy chasing her. But, no… with the exception of Nick, all her suitors look about as attractive as me. Hey, look, I know I’m no supermodel, okay? At least I’m honest about it. Unlike that asshole Gale.
Anyhow, the rest of WHEN IN ROME follows Beth’s efforts to break the, um, spells on the five dipshits chasing her. Things get complicated, though, when she finds herself revisiting the chemistry she felt with Nick at her sister’s wedding - and quickly falls for him. But does he really love her? Or is it just the spell? And, more importantly, why should it fucking matter? A hot guy says he loves you, lady - stop being a goddamn drama queen and marry him already. Who cares how he got that way?
Whatever. Find out for yourselves how it all ends. I need to watch DIE HARD to counteract all this syrupy shit in my system.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: An uncomfortable sensation settled on me as I was watching WHEN IN ROME. It was also a familiar sensation - like a sinking in your stomach as you realize the movie you’re watching is going to be stupid. It was similar to the feeling I got while watching ONLY YOU, that awful 1994 Marisa Tomei-Robert Downey Jr. train wreck that pretty much gave romantic comedies a bad name that year. While I don’t mind whimsy and quirks in my rom-coms (in fact, I welcome them) I do ask that the story at least be presented in some sort of semi-believable fashion. And, sorry, but while I found WHEN IN ROME’s concept somewhat interesting, its execution is utterly ridiculous.
Fortunately, Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel are such likable and appealing stars that they give this sputtering flick some decent mileage before it finally breaks down halfway through. Indeed, the only reason WHEN IN ROME gets a ** (Mediocre) rating is because of Bell and Duhamel’s engaging presence. They deserved a better script - and a better film. Unlike ONLY YOU, which had grating turns from Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. in the lead roles, WHEN IN ROME is kept somewhat watchable by its two leads. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to save the movie.
Most of the supporting cast is okay, with only one performance landing squarely in the negative: Dax Shepard‘s annoying preening as the alleged supermodel. Obviously, it was meant to be funny - it isn‘t. Angelica Huston is the standout as Bell’s boss, who really does seem to be doing a Miranda Priestly impersonation - and good one at that. It’s an amusing touch that at least keeps us temporarily interested. The rest of the actors are adequate.
Bottom line: this movie wastes two strong lead actors - and a great title. The concept must have looked funny on paper, and might have actually worked if the script was completely re-written for a less screwball tone. We’ll never know.
