(Even tyrannical megalomaniacs out for world domination have feelings, too, you know....)
CAST: Voices of Steve Carrell, Jason Segel, Russell Brand, Julie Andrews, Will Arnett, Kristen Wiig, Miranda Cosgrove, Dana Geiser, Elsie Fisher, Danny McBride.
DIRECTOR: Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud.
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and easily-disarmed anti-heroes straight ahead...
The old saying goes that nobody is a villain in their own eyes. In other words, even the most dastardly villain probably has some sort of utterly fucked-up justification for his/her machinations - no matter how, um, despicable. Needless to say, this is a fascinating angle from which to tell a story. Instead of watching events unfold through the eyes of the "hero," we see everything from the point of view of the bad guy. Basically, the villain becomes the protagonist. This premise has been explored in films like THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (1999), MR. BROOKS (2006), PAYBACK (1999), HENRY - PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (1990), and - especially - GLITTER (2002) were Mariah Carey portrayed a... Oh, wait.... Well, never mind. I guess she only seemed to be the villain in that one. Anyhow, with DESPICABLE ME's release, we get an animated bad guy's story.
The story revolves around super-villain Cru (voiced by Steve Carrell), who looks like Nosferatu with a beer belly. Naturally, looking like this, Cru is a bit grumpy. Doesn't help either that his mother (Julie Andrews) was about as warm and affectionate to him growing up as a Great White Shark to a bleeding seal. Add to this the fact that Cru needs a new "villain loan" and you have one disgruntled bad guy. Yes, folks... In the world Cru lives in, super-villains can apply for loans to finance their nefarious exploits. I guess that's kind of similar to studios continuing to bankroll Nicolas Cage movies. Meow.
Anyway, Cru's latest villain loan application is imperiled by the bank's president, Mr. Perkins (Will Arnett), who looks like the boss from the Dilbert cartoons - only much fatter. And with worse hair - if that's even possible. But I digress.... Cru pitches his latest "bad guy" idea to Mr. Perkins: a ray gun that can shrink anything, which he will use to shrink... the moon. Hmmmm. Somehow I was expecting something - I don't know - more interesting? Like destroying the world's supply of Botox - and subsequently watching California collapse into the Pacific ocean because of all the faces that crash to the ground. Anyhow, Mr. Perkins is, evidently, a lot easier dazzled than me because, while he doesn't give Cru the loan, he promises that he will - if Cru can produce a prototype of the Shrinking Gun.
This is problematic - to say the least - because, while a prototype does exist, it is buried deep - waaaaaaay deep - in the lair of Cru's rival super-villain, Vector (Jason Segel). Previous attempts by Cru to infiltrate Vector's heavily-fortified fortress have been met with (1) hurt, (2) pain, (3) agony, and (4) suffering - unfailingly on the part of Cru, who attracts heavy artillery the way Sam Worthington must attract requests to do Jell-O shots off his abs. Long story short, Cru's going to have to find a "Trojan Horse" - and fast, because Mr. Perkins is not as stupid as Dilbert's boss, and far less patient. And there are lot of other super-villains applying for loans - and better prepared.
Salvation comes in the form of three cute little girls from Ms. Hattie's Home for Girls. Ostensibly an orphanage, the place looks and feels more like the hostel from, uh, HOSTEL and is overseen by the uber-biyatch, Ms. Hattie (Krisen Wiig). Imagine the Evil Stepmother from SNOW WHITE but far more rotund and even more of a pill, and you still wouldn't scratch the surface of Ms. Hattie's singular, ahem, charm. Needless to say, our three orphans - Margo, Edith, and Agnes (Miranda Cosgrove, Dana Geiser, Elsie Fisher) - yearn fiercely for someone to adopt them away from what is clearly the Eighth Cavern of Hades. And when they're not daydreaming of freedom, they're busy selling cookies to anyone who will open the door to them.
Right now, you're probably politely wondering one thing: "What in the holy fucking hell do these three ragamuffins have to do with Cru's goddamn plan to steal Vector's Shrinking Gun to zap the fucking moon?" I, for one, am glad you asked. See, while on their daily cookie route our three orphans have made a regular customer out of Vector. Yes, sir... Cru's nemesis turns out to be a sucker for Coconut cookies (or something) and basically disarms his entire security system whenever the girls arrive. "Hmmmmm...." you're surely thinking right now. "You don't think that dastardly Cru would use those little girls to get to Vector, do you?" Use? No. Adopts, manipulates, and exploits? Yes. And, no, I don't know what "semantics" means.
Yup, Cru adopts Margo, Edith, and Agnes and basically rigs their cookies with robots so that he can conduct recon and surveillance at the same time. Unfortunately, it comes as an extremely shocking and thoroughly unexpected plot twist that Cru's frozen heart melts and he begins to: (1) develop paternal feelings for the three ragamuffins, (2) question his plan to shrink the moon, and (3) wonder how he's going to pay for their college tuition if he pussies out on the whole Super-Villain thing. Maybe Barnes and Noble is hiring.
Will Cru succeed in stealing the Shrinking Gun? Will Vector catch on to the plan to use the three ragamuffins as infiltrators? Will the three ragamuffins reveal surprises of their own? Will it be finally revealed why Ms. Hattie is so fat? Find out on your own, because frankly I need some more vodka. And someone's, ahem, getting impatient.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Cute movie. Watch it. Seen worse animated films than this - like PRINCE OR PERSIA and IT'S COMPLICATED. Oh, wait... never mind....
Mr. Smirnoff and Mr. Crowe, here I come. Ahem.
