(Mr. Murray, are you going to let these fuckers get away with implying that you're, well, a fatty?)
CAST: Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, Amber Heard, Sir Bill Murray.
DIRECTOR: Ruben Fleischer
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and unfair Bill Murray fat jokes straight ahead...
Well, it was bound to happen. After the recent glut of zombie and quasi-zombie remakes (DAWN OF THE DEAD, DAY OF THE DEAD, QUARANTINE), sequels (28 WEEKS LATER), and bizarre originals (DEAD SNOW), it was only natural that someone would decide to give the zombie genre the SCARY MOVIE and NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE treatment. Except instead of Chris Evans butt-naked and covered strategically with whipped cream, we get a lot of ugly triathlon-aspiring puss-bags that I would poke my eyes out with chopsticks first before wanting to see naked . What a trade-off.
Our story starts with the standard zombie apocalypse already in progress. Our hero, Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), helpfully enumerates a few vital rules for surviving the crisis: (1) Bone Up On the Cardio - meaning run for your fucking life every chance you can get because, somehow, running zombies are in-goddamned-vogue now; (2) Beware of Bathrooms - this is pretty self-explanatory because they're usually dead-ends, leave you at your most vulnerable, and stink worse than the zombies; (3) Travel Light - and I don't mean carry a travel bag instead of a suitcase - I mean: get rid of anyone that slows you down, pronto; and (4) Get a Kick-Ass Partner - this is even more self-explanatory, as anyone who's gone on a road trip with lame partner can attest to.
Anyway, there are plenty of other rules but, frankly, I don't give a crap about this movie enough to enumerate them all. Or the "characters" they apply to. They're an okay bunch, and reasonably amusing, but then again so are the folks on my bus commute every morning. In addition to the aforementioned Columbus, we also have: (1) Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), dude who lost his son in the apocalypse and mourns this by... trying to find the last batch of Twinkies left in the world - really; (2) Wichita (Emma Stone), hot chick who wields a gun the way a stripper wields her tits - with motivation; and (3) Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), so called because she's, well, little and about as charming a rock hurled directly at your head.
These four disparate souls encounter one another on the road n the wake of the catastrophe - and decide to travel to a California theme park that's supposed to be zombie-free. Where do they come up with this shit? Anyhow, they eventually reach the remains of Los Angeles, where Tallahassee comes up with the following brilliant strategy to find the world's last existing Twinkies: find the house of a fat celebrity, then raid their cupboard. Truthfully, it's almost brilliant and elegant in its fucked-up simplicity. Too bad he wasn't looking for the last batch of organic strawberries - otherwise the movie would've ended 30 minutes too soon. Ahem.
Anyhow, guess whose house they eventually select for RAIDERS OF THE LOST TWINKIE? Yup, none other than Sir Bill's himself. Unfortunately, they discover no such "pastries" in Bill's cupboard. At this point, Wichita utters the line that almost made me leap up into the air and tear through the screen while screaming like a deranged orangutan: she rolls her eyes and says, "Damn! I told you we should've gone to Russell Crowe's."
How. Dare. The. Bitch.
Renee Zellweger gains 20 pounds to play Bridget Jones, and she's a goddess/saint. Russell Crowe gains the same to play a husky reporter in STATE OF PLAY, and suddenly he's a previously-undiscovered continent ripe for the pillaging.
Happily, we do not have time to plot Wichita's death too much over her insult to Sir Russell - because our favorite comedian, Sir Bill, makes a surprise appearance. Yup, Mr. Murray is actually still alive and well and has been hiding out in his house since the zombie outbreak. It figures that the only person to survive in Hollywood would be its most unrepentant smart-ass. As you can imagine, this leads to a Q & A session with Le Bill about his career. When asked about whether he regrets anything, he deadpans: "Garfield." Meow, Bill. Meow.
I wish I could say that Sir Bill joins the quartet on their ridiculous journey to the Theme Park Safe Zone. Sadly, his role is nothing but a cameo and sure enough, he gets killed and becomes a smart-ass zombie. Death, apparently, enhances one's drollness. If that's the case, Hell must be like a never-ending loop of Jon Stewart, Dennis Miller, and Bill Maher shows. Soon to be joined by the star of, ahem, GARFIELD.
Well, it goes without saying that our quartet eventually resume their road trip and find that fucking theme park. Except it ain't so zombie-free as they initially thought. Needless to say, we get a (yawn) action-packed climax with our heroes battling hordes of the undead. Will any of them make it? Or will the zombies truly take over?Will Tallahassee ever get to, um, chomp on a Twinkie? Is Jesse Eisenberg hell-bent on being the next Michael Cera? If so, will someone please tell him to do a course correction while he's still ahead?
BUT, SERIOUSLY: A rather "meh" spoof that isn't quite as funny as it should be. Certainly, it is amusing. But ZOMBIELAND fumbles the chance to truly spoof the zombie genre. So many missed opportunities, here. As it is, it is just an average flick - that is just averagely funny. The hilarious cameo from Bill Murray is a delight, almost elevating the film above the average line. Unfortunately, he's not in the film long enough to save it.
The cast is decent and game. But none of them are really given the opportunity to soar. Rather like the film itself, they just coast along on a steady stream of rather tame jokes and scenarios. Oh, what this film could've been with a more loony and daring approach.
Indeed, this film's highlight is the wacky and surreal encounter with Bill Murray. When a friend and I first saw ZOMBIELAND at a special screening over a year ago, we had no earthly idea about his cameo - and it made the film almost worthwhile for us. Had it been a bigger role, this would've definitely been a funnier film. No doubt about that.
I hear that a sequel is in the works. Let's hope they bring Sir Bill back as more than just a cameo. And no more Twinkie marauding. Please.
