(Not sure what a sexual position has to do with food, but what the hey?)
CAST: Penelope Cruz, Murilo Benicio, Andrew Feuerstein, Harrold Perrineau, Ann Ramsay, Ana Gasteyer.
DIRECTOR: Fina Torres
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one solid love triangle in search of a better movie to star in - and lots of chilies, straight ahead…
I’ve opined in past reviews about the LLT Syndrome - or “Lopsided Love Triangle Syndrome.” It’s a romantic (or sexual) situation in which a protagonist is torn between two potential mates, with one being an obviously better choice than the other. Usually, movies with the LLT Syndrome are devoid of any kind of suspense as to who will end up with whom. Most romantic comedies or dramas out there involve a triangle suffering from LLT. Who the protagonist rides off into the sunset with is usually more obvious than who the killer in BASIC INSTINCT is.
There have been a number of films, though, that have successfully side-stepped the LLT Syndrome. That is, they presented the protagonist with two paramours worth stressing over. Some examples would be AGAINST ALL ODDS, SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE, TEQUILA SUNRISE, CASABLANCA, BROADCAST NEWS, SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME, MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING and - to a certain degree - SLIVER. These films put their heroes/heroines in a conflicted position as they truly found themselves to be - in the words of that song - “torn between two lovers.”
Now, the Penelope Cruz romantic vehicle/food flick WOMAN ON TOP joins the hallowed list of films with solid love triangles. Unfortunately, it also has a script that is in dire need of at least two more re-writes, and is just not on a par with the intriguing tri-cornered romance at its core.
It’s a pity, because WOMAN ON TOP gives us a triangle that keeps you guessing as to who Brazilian chef Isabella Oliveira (Cruz) will wind up with: her hunky Brazilian-Italian husband Toninho (Murilo Benicio), whose infidelity drove Isabella out of Brazil - or San Francisco TV producer Cliff Lloyd (Mark Feuerstein), an affable guy who finds himself irresistibly drawn to Isabella, and offers her a cooking show as proof of his love.
We are told at the outset that Isabella grew up with a severe motion-sickness problem that is basically incurable. As a result, the following happened: (1) she couldn’t play with the other kids, and instead (2) stayed in the kitchen to help the cook, which led to (3) learning how to cook very well, and (4) wanting to become a chef.
It was in the first restaurant she worked in where she first met the handsome and dashing Toninho. We are told via onscreen narration that Isabella took one look at Toninho - and fell head over heels in love. Given that he sings like a straight Ricky Martin and looks like a Brazilian-Italian Russell Crowe, it’s not hard to see why.
Soon, Isabella and Toninho marry, and she channels all her culinary creativity into his kitchen. Before long, his restaurant is the toast of the stretch of Brazilian coast that they live on. Tourists from the States and elsewhere are so impressed by Isabella’s cooking that they leave her their business cards. In case they ever decide to open a restaurant, I guess, and in case Isabella decides she’s tired of sleeping with a Brazilian-Italian who looks like Russell Crowe. Which, to me, is like saying that you’re tired of breathing. In other words, it makes no fucking sense.
Speaking of sleeping with Toninho, it turns out that, because of her severe motion-sickness, Isabella can only have sex without blowing avocado chunks by… being on top. Yes, folks. We’re supposed to believe that Isabella straddling Toninho is far less nauseating than getting pounded any other way. Whatever. They’re both cute stars. I’ll play along.
So… it also turns out that Toninho is so tired of being, um, ridden that he makes like Spiderman and hops over to the next apartment balcony over. Where he bangs another Brazilian chick in the missionary position that he so craves. Too bad Isabella catches him. And his rationale for cheating on her? He doesn’t like being, um, a bottom. No, sorry… I meant: he doesn’t like being on the bottom. Whew. That’s better.
Long story short, Isabella leaves Toninho and heads for San Francisco. There, she: (1) reconnects with best pal Monica (Harrold Perrineau), a transvestite who must’ve been the inspiration for all the women on SEX AND THE CITY; (2) requests that Monica’s witch/sorceress buddy cast a spell that will make her stop loving Toninho; and (3) meets a nice, clean-cut TV producer named Cliff Lloyd (Mark Feuerstein) who goes immediately ga-ga over her and (4) decides to give her a cooking show. Wow. Looking like Penelope Cruz obviously opens a lot of doors.
So far, so reverse-UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN. Instead of leaving bland San Francisco and running off to exotic Tuscany to start over, our heroine has left exotic Brazil for bland San Francisco. But I guess “exotic” is what is foreign to you - and the yuppies and trannies of Frisco are a whole new world to our little Isabella. It goes without saying that Isabella’s show takes off and makes her a local celebrity. Plus, with a zany and hilarious best friend in Monica, and a hot but sweet boy-toy in Cliff, things are going pretty well for her - considering how well-planned (not very) her escape from Toninho was.
Speaking of Toninho, he’s been moping around like a Brazilian-Italian Maximus since Isabella’s departure. He eventually follows her to San Francisco, where he is shocked to discover that his wife is now the object of lust for every straight guy in the Greater San Francisco Area - which would be about, oh, eighty-seven (and that’s including Cliff). Dismayed that he has eighty-seven new rivals to contend with, Toninho contrives to be added as a back-up singer (don’t even ask) to Isabella’s cooking show (I said: don’t ask). In this way, he hopes to win her heart back - and steal her away from Cliff.
Does Toninho succeed? Will Isabella be able to forgive him for basically keeping her as a slave in his kitchen back in Brazil? Will she able to forget that he basically banged another woman within twelve feet of their bedroom? Will Toninho learn from his mistakes and use a motel further out, next time? Will Cliff not take this sitting down and fight for Isabella’s hand? Or will Toninho kick the crap out of him? Is Cliff more formidable than we realize? Does Toninho really love Monica, even if he/she/it has a dick bigger than his?
That all remains to be seen. Let me just warn you that this is one love triangle that will keep you on your toes. Even before Monica counsels Cliff wearing nothing but a bustier and garter belt. You have to see it to believe it.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: As I mentioned in the intro, WOMAN ON TOP is half of a good movie. The triangle between Isabella, Toninho, and Cliff is surprisingly solid and - dare I say - suspenseful. Both Toninho and Cliff are layered characters and are not your usual good guy/jerk pairing that you usually find in romantic comedy triangles.
Just when you think Cliff’s going to win, the tides turn in favor of Toninho. And just when you think Toninho is in there, the plot credibly gives Cliff the edge. The result is true uncertainty as to how it will all end. Director Fina Torres and screenwriter Vera Blasi deserve credit for crafting a triangle that is constantly shifting and changing like a prism - and keeping us dangling with anticipation. Indeed, this is the main reason that WOMAN ON TOP scores a *** (above average) rating.
Unfortunately, the rest of the script could have used some additional tweaking. The main flaw is the pseudo-magical element that is woven into the story that doesn’t quite work. The whole “spell” business undermines what could’ve been a realistic romance. The intent might have been to lend some quirkiness to the proceedings, and give it some ethnic flavor. However, Torres and Blasi could’ve done this in other ways. As it is, the pseudo-mystical leanings are handled in a such slap-dash way that it weakens the narrative.
Another reason this film comes across better than it has any right to, is the cast. Penelope Cruz holds her own as Isabella, and makes it credible that two good men would fight over her. As her repentant husband, Toninho, Murilo Benicio is quite good, making you root for him even with the mistakes he’s made in the past. He doesn’t try to downplay the character’s flaws, but actually accentuates them in a winningly vulnerable way.
As Cliff, the third leg of the triangle, Mark Feuerstein is equally likable. Another actor might have played Cliff as smug and self-involved, but Feuerstein side-steps these potential pitfalls by giving the character a “gee-whiz” sense of enthusiasm and innocence which is not feigned, irritating, or obnoxious. He comes across as a decent guy who is also trying to balance his ambitions at the TV studio.
Finally, Harrold Perrineau almost steals the whole show as Monica, the hilariously droll transvestite who becomes a “soul sister” to Isabella - and provides both Toninho and Cliff with vital advice needed to win Isabella’s heart. Who ends up winning is up for you all to discover. Let’s just say that getting there is going to be a roller-coaster ride.
Bottom line: WOMAN ON TOP could’ve been better, but it could’ve been worse, too. With some more rewrites (and jettisoning that silly “magic spell” plot thread), the rest of the story would’ve matched the solid love triangle at its core. As it is, though, it’s a good example of a movie about a heroine who truly is torn between two lovers.
