(Let me get this straight: piranhas used to swim the Colorado river millions of years ago? Four words, buddy: cite your fucking source...)
CAST: Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Jerry O'Connell, Richard Dreyfuss, Chrisopher Lloyd, Kelly Brook, Jessica Szohr, Riley Steele, Brooklyn Proulx, Sage Ryan.
DIRECTOR: Alexandre Aja
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and revved-up, toothy aquatic killers with a soft spot for penises and breast implants - straight ahead....
When I was in college in Michigan ages and ages ago, I bought a couple of piranhas. At the time they were legal in that state and, having heard the myriad stories blending fact and fiction about their bloodthirsty appetite, I was eager to own fish that would have: (1) personality, and (2) provide me and my roommates with endless entertainment as (3) they played "cat-and-mouse" with the goldfish I planned to feed them on a weekly basis. So, I bought the two juvenile piranhas, took 'em back to the double-wide trailer I shared with three other students, named them "Thelma" and "Louise", dumped a bagful of goldfish into the tank - and sat down with my roomies with a bowl of popcorn - and a bunch of quarters to place bets on which goldfish would get it first.
We sat in front of that goddamn tank for almost ten minutes - and not a single one of those goldfish got chomped. I kid you not. Thelma and Louise - the fucking whores - just flitted about the fake plants and rocks like a couple of scaly prima-donnas with ugly underbites, all haughty and shit. See, what they don't tell you in movies and books is that piranhas in captivity are actually quite shy - and know when they are being watched and, accordingly, refuse to eat until they're left alone. It's only when they're in huge packs in the wild and provoked somehow that they get like a bunch of drunk British football fans whose home team is getting spanked by the Italians. Hmmmmm. Nice mental image.
So... me and my roomies made a supermarket run for about twenty minutes. Sure enough, when we came back that tank was full of floating golden scales - but not a single goldfish. And Thelma and Louise? Well, let's just say the sneaky bitches weren't swimming as fast as they were before the massacre. They were waddling around that tank like a couple of overweight shoppers at Wal-Mart. Great. I wound up getting stuck with a couple of cock-teases with teeth and fins. Or maybe they were just living up to their namesakes and being women with attitudes. Perhaps I should have named them "Bill" and "Ted."
Whether or not piranhas are as voracious as they're made out to be, one of the movies that fired up my imagination growing up was Roger Corman's 1980 cult classic PIRANHA. Revolving around a pack of genetically-engineered piranhas bred by the government (shocker) to help win the Vietnam War (as I've asked a billion times: would I make this shit up?), the movie followed the efforts of a ranger and a scientist to stop the razor-toothed fish from getting downstream to a summer camp filled with teenagers just ripe for the shredding. The remake retains the same "race-against-time" angle, but amps it up with tits and ass and lovely 3-D photography to make all the cheesecake - and gore - pop right off the screen.
The new film is set in fictional Lake Victoria, Arizona. As our story opens, a massive earthquake ruptures the bottom of the lake, releasing a bunch of piranha from below. Okay, now I know those of you who have IQs higher than the lengths of your dicks or the sizes of your brassiere cups (or, for some of you who work on Hollywood boulevard, both) are likely going, "Sorry, but what?" Don't worry - so was I. Common sense tells us that fish do not live underground, and even if they did, the particular fish living underneath an Arizona lake wouldn't be a variety typically found only in South America. Suffice it to say, if it's common sense you want, you are barking up the wrong movie, buddy.
At any rate, our heroine is Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue), the sheriff of Lake Victoria. When a local fisherman (played by Richard Dreyfus in a totally "WTF?" cameo) gets chomped by the recently-liberated piranha, she contemplates closing the lake until they can figure out how he died. Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) pretty much tells her that's about as good an idea as a remake of CLASH OF THE TITANS being produced. Oh, wait... never mind. Anyway, Lake Victoria is a popular Spring Break destination for the Southwest's young, horny, and, well, I guess that pretty much describes them: young and horny. Basically, Fallon tells Julie that they might as well quit their jobs and work at Applebee's if they shut down the lake. Actually, Applebee's might be a more interesting job, but that's just me.
At any rate, a second attack - this time on a dive team investigating that crack in the lake floor - yields an actual piranha sample. Julie, Fallon, and Novak (Adam Scott), the surviving diver, take the ugly-ass fish to Mr. Goodman (Christopher Lloyd), a local nutjob who just happens to have piranha info conveniently hemorrhaging out of his ass. To wit, he shares the following with our heroes: (1) the piranha they brought him is an extinct super-species that disappeared two million years ago, (2) this type of piranha used to, uh, swim the Colorado River eons and eons ago (I so call bullshit), (3) the earthquake must have opened up an underwater lake (hmmph) that the piranhas were (4) obviously trapped in for ages, feeding on each other for survival. And with the that lake floor open now, those fuckers are as ready to git down as a bunch of sailors who haven't had any shore leave in over two million years. Except the fish aren't horny - they're hungry. Which, I guess, is pretty much the same thing.
So... as you can imagine, Julie takes this news the same way she'd take the news that a comet is going to hit Lake Victoria in, oh, ten minutes. Which, I guess, is also pretty much the same thing, because with the lake just full of partying, half-naked studs and bimbos, our toothy swimming villains pretty much have the human equivalent of an All-You-Can-Eat-Extravaganza at your local Outback Steakhouse. Par-tay, fishies! With very little time to avert the disaster, Julie and co. race against the clock to warn the merry-makers - before Lake Victoria turns into a gigantic chum bucket.
In addition to the characters already introduced, other potential fish-bait include: (1) Jake (Steven R. McQueen), Julie's willful teenage son who has a crush on (2) Kelly (Jessica Szohr), a brunette hottie with a soft spot for Tequila and lesbian kisses, which I guess is why Jake likes her; (3) Derrick Jones (Jerry O'Connell), a sleazy GIRLS-GONE-WILD-producer type who prances about in a speedo and shouldn't (see OPEN LETTER TO JERRY O'CONNELL RE: WHO CAN AND CANNOT WEAR SPEEDOS right below); (4) Danni (Kelly Brook), a nuclear-hot British model who works for Derrick whom I was praying would survive and, well, whatevs; (5) Crystal (Riley Steele), a lightbulb-hot non-British model who works for Derrick whom I was praying would get shredded like wet toilet paper; (6) Laura (Brooklyn Proulx); and (7) Zane (Sage Ryan), Jake's brother and sister whom he's supposed to be baby-sitting - very far from the water. Needless to say, when Julie finds out that he shirked his brotherly duties to spend the day with Kelly, Danni, and Crystal on a boat in the middle of the lake, his ass is so gonna be grass. That is, if anyone of them survive the piranhas...
Find out who makes it and who doesn't. Just watch out for the scene with the severed penis and the breast implants. No, you imbeciles, I am not joking. I wish I were.
Now, please read my open letter to Jerry O' Connell on his Speedo usage:
MEMORANDUM TO JERRY O'CONNELL, ACTOR...
RE: Who can and cannot wear Speedos in this Universe...
Dear Mr. O'Connell,
May I call you, Jerry?
Jerry, I've been a fan of yours (well, sort of) since you were a tubby little kid in STAND BY ME. You grew up to be a reasonably-talented actor, who often elevated some of the sorry flicks that you starred in. Trust me - you were the only good thing in TOMCATS. And SCREAM 2 benefited greatly from your goofy presence because, let's face it, that Neve Campbell was a total drip. And I saw you in something recently that really sucked, but you were a class act in it - and almost saved the whole movie. Almost. The title escapes me right now, though. Whatever. It's not important. Bottom line: you usually are the strongest link in your flicks.
But, unfortunately, in PIRANHA 3-D you were uncharacteristically the weakest link. You basically marred what was otherwise a reasonably-entertaining cheese-fest. I mean, your performance as a sleazy and perverted producer was actually pretty convincing and quite good - but yet you still managed to ruin my experience.
Jerry, you did this by dancing around in your godawful red Speedo - which, with the 3-D glasses, was like getting stabbed in the eye with a rusty letter-opener. Now, don't get me wrong, Jerry. You're a good-looking guy. I'm secure enough in my sexuality to admire anyone who gives me a boner - man or woman. And I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating Oreos, know what I'm sayin'? But good looks do not automatically make a worthy Speedo-wearer, Jerry.
Sadly, I should inform you that there are only five men in this universe who can wear a Speedo - and get away with it. They are, in no particular order, as follows: (1) Russell Crowe, (2) Chris Evans, (3) Daniel Craig, (4) Sam Worthington, and (5) a friend I will refer to as Clark Kent.
Suffice it to say, Jerry, that while you are an undeniably handsome man, the fact remains that you, sir, are no Clark Kent.
So, in closing, I'd like to respectfully request that in the future you stay as far away from Speedos as humanly possible. Especially the red ones. Please?
Yours Truly,
Sarcasto
P.S. I just remembered the title of that recent movie of yours that seriously blew whale dick : BABY ON BOARD. It was so bad, it made me want to kill something. But you were totally good in it. Peace out.
P.P.S. I'll be sending you the bill for the deductible from my eye surgery.
P.P.P.S Don't ever wear Speedos onscreen again. Seriously.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: The original PIRANHA was a reasonably entertaining romp that presented itself as a low-budget (and tongue-in-cheek) JAWS. It didn't take itself too seriously and managed to effectively combine scares and laugh. PIRANHA 3-D strives for the same mix - and generally succeeds. The gore is a bit extreme here and there - but what do you expect from a 3-D horror film?
The cast is experienced and are often better than the material. Elisabeth Shue is a solid heroine, although we don't find out much about her or her family before the fish guts hit the fan. Adam Scott is okay as the scientist who helps Shue eradicate the piranha contagion, but he gets even less character development. Steve R. McQueen gets a lot of screen time as Julie's rebellious son - and he's got every inch of his grandfather Steve McQueen's charisma and screen presence. Jessica Szohr is appealing and appropriately wholesome as the girl-next-door that Jake pines for. Jerry O'Connell is suitably sleazy and funny as the randy producer who unwisely models a pair of Speedos. Kelly Brook is wry and ravishing as Danni - too bad she... well, it ain't pretty. The rest of the cast is good in their fish-bait roles.
Bottom line: PIRANHA 3-D is an average remake that is elevated somewhat by some creative 3-D sequences. Just be warned that this is one gory movie. No sneaking hamburgers into the theatre because - trust me on this - you'll regret it.
