(What? Someone made a movie about me and my friends and didn't tell us? Call my attorney!)
CAST: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Zoe Saldana, Jason Patric, Columbus Short, Oscar Jaenada, Holt McCallany.
DIRECTOR: Sylain White.
WARNING: Minor SPOILERS and hilarious usage of Journey songs by hot goofballs - straight up ahead.
Last year, the action/thriller about humans with superhuman powers titled PUSH was released and did lukewarm business at American theaters. Grossing just north of $30 million, the movie also didn't fare too well with critics. I, on the other hand, liked it a lot and in the review for this blog (review # 23), I called it "the cinematic equivalent of a vodka cranberry - tart, breezy, and refreshing." Why PUSH didn't find a wider audience during its initial release is a mystery to me.
Now, with the release of THE LOSERS on DVD, I have to trot out that description again: just as with PUSH, this film is tart, breezy, and refreshing. And just like PUSH, THE LOSERS underperformed at the North American box-office despite its strengths and game cast. And speaking of the cast, just like PUSH, THE LOSERS stars the hot and hilarious Chris Evans - who is basically an irreverent goofball with a leading man's face and bod. This guy is that rare find: someone who can tickle your funny bone, your heart and, um, other areas at the same time. There's a reason he beat out stiff competition from other actors for the lead in the upcoming CAPTAIN AMERICA - he is simply amazing.
The movie starts out on a goofy note with our lovable and hot goofball enacting an interrogation scene between two Godzilla action figures that rapidly devolves into.... a vicious butt-fucking. Yes, Chris Evans plays Jensen, a geeky and fun-loving techie to a group of military special-ops guys. Needless to say, Jensen is the kind of guy you want on your team, if nothing more than to keep you laughing. The rest of the members are: (1) Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), leader of the group who looks like a dark Robert Redford and sports a decidedly un-regulation haircut; (2) Roque (Idris Elba), second-in-command who's basically a grumpy asshole; (3) Pooch, handles transport and has a wife back in the States who's about to download a baby; and (4) Cougar (Oscar Jaenada), a guy who has hair even longer than Clay's which makes me wonder if the Army has loosened up its dress-and-appearance regs.
We are introduced to our heroes just as they are about to raid a Bolivian drug lord's remote compound. Looks like just another covert mission - until the following occur: (1) the team discovers that Fadhill (Peter Francis James ), the Bolivian drug lord, is using 25 children as "mules" to transport his merchandise; (2) Clay orders an abort to the mission, but is (3) vetoed by a mysterious voice on the comm who identifies himself only as as "Max," but sounds an awful lot like, erm, Jason Patric.
Being your garden-variety hero who will not allow any harm to come to children, Clay takes the 25 ragamuffins with them when they escape the about-to-be-annihilated compound. Clay goes even as far as letting the kids take his team's seats on the crowded escape chopper. Unfortunately, whoever this "Max" person is must be a thorough choad, because no sooner has that chopper taken off does he prove the old adage, "No Good Deed Shall Go Un-fucking-punished."
Yup. "Max" orders his goons to blast the chopper out of the sky, thinking he's blowing up Clay's posse. Below, the team watches in horror as the flaming wreckage crashes to Earth, several things obviously going through their minds: (1) Holy (2) Fucking (3) Shit (4) That (5) Could've Been (5) Us.... Quick on the uptake, our boys quickly realize they're marked men now - and quickly toss their dog-tags into the blazing remains of the chopper. This works, and the Department of Defense not only declares our boys dead, but also they're involvement in Fadhil's raid was not sanctioned or authorized by the DOD. So, long story short, Clay and his team are, for all intents and purposes, thrown to the wolves and considered dead to the rest of the world.
Cut to four months later, and we find that our boys have been forced to assimilate into the Bolivian community. Pooch is an auto-mechanic, Jensen and Cougar are - seriously - working in a doll-making factory- and Roque and Clay seem to earn an income by, uh, walking around night-time Bolivia and doing nothing but talking. No, they're not hookers.
Anyhow, all that by way of saying our guys are stuck in a Third-World rut. Unable to return to the United States, and unable to ask anyone back home for help, Clay and his posse are just doing the best that they can to survive in their new banana republic home. And, unless something changes soon, it's very likely that these guy are going to be doing this shit for a very, very long time.
Then, one evening, Clay locks eyes with a mysterious, Bowler-hatted brunette who seems to be following him from joint to joint. Eventually, the senorita makes a bold move and parks her Kim Kardashian-booty next to Clay at the bar, where she comments on his "steak." He helpfully points out to her that it is very "meaty." Uh-huh. Really subtle, guys. Anyone thinking that they're actually talking about the food on his plate seriously needs to get out more and learn about "tube steaks."
At any rate, it'll come as no surprise to the perverts in the audience that Clay and his Bowler babe wind up back in a seedy hotel where they proceed to engage in foreplay. If you can call slamming each other into the walls, furnitures, and bathroom fixtures foreplay, that is. Oh, and just because all that is not sizzling enough, they also set fire to the curtains. Fortunately, they realize at the last moment that they will not be able to fuck later on if they both, you know, burn to death. So they quickly hightail it out of there.
Down on the street, we learn that Bowler beauty (name: Aisha; actress playing her: Zoe Saldana) knows all about the misfortune that befell Clay's team four months ago. Aisha says that she'd like to help them be able to return to the States. But first, they must do something for her. If you're thinking she wants her vintage Mustang convertible serviced for a reasonable price, or order several thousand dolls for a special discount, allow me to disappoint you. Nope, our Aisha wants revenge on "Max," the very same dipshit that basically threw our boys under the boss four months ago. Needless to say, after some initial wariness, the boys jump all over that offer like a quintet of hungry lions on an injured zebra.
Unfortunately, things aren't going to be that easy. See, it turns out that Max is actually being portrayed by Jason Patric, and turns out to be a rather nasty specimen. Terminally sarcastic, but without the charm to make up for it, this idiot walks around wearing beige/white suits, insulting anyone he can. The only reason he's still alive is because of all his money. Which he is funneling towards a particularly dastardly weapon of mass destruction, that he describes as extremely lethal - but also environmentally conscious. All together now - WTF?
So... will Clay, Aisha, Jensen, Pooch, Roque, and Cougar pull a fast one on Max? Or will Max catch on to their plans? Is Aisha completely on the up-and-up? Will Clay ever get to fuck her? And if so, will Jensen do the right thing and film it all and burn it to DVD for the world's viewing pleasure? And, again, is Aisha herself hiding something? Will any of our heroes make it back to the States to enjoy the taste of a Bladder-Burster from the corner 7-11? Or will they have to settle forever for the Bolivian version?
Go forth and find out. Just watch out for the scene where Jensen strips while singing "Don't Stop Believing." You may never be able to listen to Journey without getting horny ever again.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Just like the comic book series it's based on, THE LOSERS is fast, colorful, funny, and kinetic. In short, it's plays exactly like a comic book - but a damned good one. The story is fast-paced without losing the audience, and the situation that our heroes find themselves stuck in is compelling. It also helps that the characters have some great interplay, and are brought to life by a talented and energetic cast.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan makes for a strong and likable hero as Clay. His looks and presence remind me of either a dark Robert Redford or a combo of Russell Crowe, Javier Bardem, and Robert Downey Jr. He clicks with Zoe Saldana as Aisha, and their "foreplay" scene in the Bolivian hotel is classic, as far as I'm concerned. Saldana, for her part, further cements her leading-lady mettle introduced in AVATAR. She makes Aisha an alluring and unpredictable character.
Idris Elba is effective as Roque, whose voice-of-reason mentality may not really be so reasonable (or moral) after all. Columbus Short is amusing and affable as the "family man" of the group, who's driven by his need to get back to his wife before she gives birth to their first child. This plot thread adds a hint of melancholy to the proceedings as we're reminded of just how much our heroes have had to give up. Oscar Jaenada portrays Cougar as your classic strong-but-silent type - someone who you can count on when the going goes South - in more ways than one. Jason Patric makes for an amusingly droll villain, and is clearly having some fun with the role.
As good as everyone is, though, as he did with FANTASTIC FOUR and its sequel, Chris Evans single-handedly steals THE LOSERS - with his wonderfully goofy portrayal of Jensen, the techie geek who is horny, brilliant, brave, and hilarious - all at the same time. Unlike the coolly sexy bad boy Johnny Storm whom Evans portrayed in the FF movies, Jensen is more of a spastic dork who seems unaware of how hot he is. Evans has the special ability to play against his good looks - and makes Jensen's nerdiness actually seem sexy. Now that's talent. And the final scenes of Jensen at his niece's soccer game, getting in the lady coach's face, are touching and hilarious at the same time. They should put this guy in more comedies or rom-coms.
Bottom line: as with PUSH, I firmly believe that, in time, THE LOSERS will gain a following. It's smart without being too formidable, over-the-top without being insulting, and confident without being smug. In short, it's perfect entertainment.
