(Shark vs. Zombie. Yup. Only in an Italian movie...)
CAST: Tisa Farrow, Ian McCulloch, Richard Johnson, Al Cliver, Auretta Gay, Olga Karlatos, Dakar, Stefanie D'Amario.
DIRECTOR: Lucio Fulci
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and skewered eyeballs and blatant shark abuse - straight ahead...
With the smash successes of George A. Romero's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) and DAWN OF THE DEAD (1979), it was only natural that a gazillion clones and rip-offs would pop up not only in the United States, but from other countries as well. To wit, there was CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (Canadian), THE LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE (England), TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD (Spain), and probably the best one of all the pretenders: ZOMBIE - from Italy of all places.
While it may seem jarring to imagine zombie films coming from such a beautiful country as Bella Italia, upon closer analysis, it makes perfect sense. Zombie movies don't require ORDINARY PEOPLE-caliber scripts or bank-breaking budgets. Just take a bunch of people, put them in an isolated location, and sic the walking puss-bags after 'em - and see who rises to the top. And horror films almost always have a built-in audience so a profit is usually a very real possibility - if not an outright certainty in some cases. And in the case of ZOMBIE, it was probably the most successful NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD/DAWN OF THE DEAD clone before 28 DAYS LATER came along in 2002.
Our flick starts off with a seemingly unmanned schooner drifting aimlessly in New York Harbor. Over shots of the boat nearly colliding into several ferries moving between Manhattan and the Long Island, we hear the New York Harbor Patrol arguing heatedly over the radio about how to handle the situation. "Whoever's on that boat is a real turkey!" complains one of the patrolmen.
This is our first sign that we are dealing with a movie written by someone who has probably never set foot in the United States, let alone New York City. Otherwise, the patrolman's dialogue would be more like: "WHOEVER'S ON THE FUCKING BOAT IS A FUCKING COCK-SUCKING RAT-BASTARD SONOFAWHORE WHO I'M GONNA FUCKING CORNHOLE SIX WAYS FROM FUCKING SUNDAY WHEN I GET MY GODDAMNED HANDS ON HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean, come on: calling someone a "turkey" is only considered cutting-edge profanity in pre-school - and even then, only in preschools outside the United States. Like certain mountain provinces of the Philippines.
Anyway, the Harbor Patrol finally boards the derelict schooner. While Patrolman # 1 stays above deck to, I guess, smoke a bowl, Patrolman # 2 goes below decks to investigate. What he finds immediately signals that the boat probably wasn't on a honeymoon cruise: (1) the place is a pig sty, (2) there are worms everywhere, and (3) a fat zombie crashes its way through the cabin door, looking just a bit sea-sick. Before Patrolman # 2 can offer the zombie some Dramamine, the undead fat bastard takes a chomp out of the New York Civil Servant's gullet. And it's not even 9 AM yet. How's that for a sign that someone's going to have a bad day?
Meanwhile, above decks Patrolman # 1 hears the scuffling from below. But before he can stop smoking his bowl or whatever, the fat zombie has climbed topside - and is now shambling towards him. "STOP!!!" Patrolman # 1 yells, like fifteen times as the undead fat bastard comes ever closer. "STOP!!!!!" This is the second sign that we are dealing with a script written by someone from outside NYC and the States. Otherwise, Patrolman # 1 would have blasted the fat zombie's head off as soon as he saw it show up above decks with half of Patrolman # 2's neck hanging out of its mouth. I'm just saying.
So, naturally, the schooner and it's stowaway make the news. Oh, and the fact that the stowaway made mincemeat out of one of New York's finest may also have something to do with the case's high profile. Anyhow, they discover that the owner of the boat is the father of someone who lives right in the Big Apple. She's Anne Bowles (Tisa Farrow), and when the cops question her about why her dad's boat turned up in New York harbor, unmanned but with a killer fat person hiding below, her answer is basically the non-verbal version of "Duh?" Seriously. Check out her expression and tell me that she's not like Bambi in headlights - only somehow more clueless.
Pretty much all Anne knows is that her dad set sail for the Antilles in the Carribean about a month ago - and that was the last she ever saw of him and his boat. Until now, of course. Understandably, questions abound: Where's Ann's Pops? Who was that undead fatso on board? Who sailed the boat all the way from the Carribean? What happened in the Antilles? Why does Anne always walk around looking like a clueless dingbat? Did her father go to the Carribean just to get the hell away from her?
Helping Anne unravel the mystery is Peter West (Ian McCulloch) a reporter for an NYC paper that just happens to be owned by his Uncle. Not sure how this figures into the plot, but it's probably to give Peter some "texture" and "nuance." Or maybe we're supposed to be impressed by the fact that nepotism is alive and well in the Big Apple. Anyhow, Peter is intrigued by the Case of The Runaway Schooner from The Antilles With A Fat Bastard Zombie On-Board. So he basically makes like one of the Hardy Boys and offers his help to Anne. If you think Anne is one of those self-reliant and independent heroines who prefers to do sleuthing on her own, you are about to be severely disappointed. I doubt Anne could find Central Park even if she were strapped to a guided missile programmed to go directly there - let alone the Antilles. To put it mildly, she could use Peter's help - and any other kind of help she can get.
Soon, Anne and Peter finds themselves following her dad's trail to the islands. There, they meet up with an American couple vacationing on their boat. They are: (1) Brian (Al Cliver), dude who's blond, handsome, and has a chin that could break open walnuts and make even Aaron Eckhart jealous; and (2) Susan (Auretta Gay), dudette who's smokin' hot with a deep appreciation of thongs and even deeper disdain of bras. Yes, I'm saying she has an awesome topless scene, folks. Just you wait...
Anyway, Anne and Peter somehow talk Bri and Sue into letting them hitch a ride to Matool, the island that Anne's dad had visited. Brian and Susan mention that the locals believe Matool to be cursed - and avoid it like the plague. Brian also says he doesn't believe in messing with superstition - then turns right around and pretty much says, "Sure, we'll take you folks there!" What. The. Hell? This is our third sign that this script was written by a non-American. Otherwise, Brian and Susan would have been like, "Right. Matool... You want to go there. To the cursed island that everyone avoids. Right. Okay, well, good luck with that. Let us know how that goes! Be seeing ya!"
So, on to Matool our four heroes go. Oh, and if you were a horndog watching this movie, right around now would be the time where you'd think, "Goddamn, I've been watching this flick for 30 minutes now and not a single T&A shot. I thought this was a fucking Italian movie!?" Don't worry: as if sensing it's time for her close-up, Susan promptly tells Brian to stop the boat so she can go diving and take some underwater shots of the reef below. Brian, knowing what's coming, quickly complies and takes a seat right next to Peter, elbowing him as if to say, "Can't see anything this good in Times Square."
And he's right. Because while Susan is supposed to be an American character, she's played by Italian actress Auretta Gay - who looks like Rachel Ward from AGAINST ALL ODDS - but even dirtier. And, boy, does she give Peter and Brian the show of a lifetime by: (1) taking off her blouse, (2) flashing her thong, (3) seductively pulling a scuba tank on, and (4) licking her fingertips and rubbing her exposed nipples with them. Okay, that last part was my invention, but you know Peter and Brian were praying for it. Needless to say, Anne watches all this with a mixture of disdain, exasperation, and... envy that she's played by an American actress who - while pretty - is just not as nuclear-hot as the Italian chick who's about to go scuba diving with her tits hanging out for the fishies to nibble on.
But as hot as Auretta Gay is, the sight of her naked is almost nothing compared to the thrill of seeing what happens when Susan rolls over the side of the boat. See, after a few minutes of some absolutely dreamy diving and reef exploring, Susan's buzz gets seriously pissed on when a Tiger shark shows up and admires her ass. Terrified, Susan ducks behind a reef mound and waits for the predator (in more ways than one) to swim away. Unfortunately, it turns the shark is not the only thing stalking Susan on the reef: a zombie pops up right behind her, yells "Waaaaazzzzzzuuupp!!!!" and grabs her tits.
Now, before I go any further, I must issue a disclaimer: I am not making up any of what follows - no matter how wacky it may sound. Seriously. And if you don't believe me - rent the fucking movie.
Okay, so back to the underwater love triangle unfolding on the Caribbean reef: (1) the horny Tiger shark, (2) our lovely Susan, and (3) the equally-horny zombie. The zombie tries to force himself on Susan - or at least that's what it looks like. Susan displays some presence of mind by rubbing coral into the zombie' face, allowing her to escape to the surface. Before the zombie can follow her, though, Mr. Tiger Shark calls him on his uncool cock-blocking - and challenges him to a duel. The zombie puts up a good fight, but in the end he's dealing with a killer fish the size of a Chevy Blazer. Needless to say, Mr. Zombie loses some limbs. And up top, Susan blubbers about how "There's a man down there! A man! There was a man! A MAN!!!" Peter, Brian, and Anne all just look at each other like, "What the fuck is in those tanks? Pass that shit around!"
With barely enough time to recover from that supremely "WTF?" scene, our heroes finally arrive in Matool. On the surface, Matool looks exceedingly lovely. Sadly, it's also the perfect example of that saying, "shiny outside, rotten inside." To wit, our quartet of ill-fated tools discover that: (1) a zombie disease is spreading through the island, (2) it's already killed most of the islanders, (3) the corpses then come back to life and have to be killed a second time, (4) Anne's dad contracted the disease before sailing back to New York, and (5) it's looking like they should get the fuck off the island - like, pronto.
But will they be able to leave? Will some of them catch the zombie disease? What is the island's doctor, Dr. Menard (Richard Johnson), hiding from them? Why do all the women in this movie choose to use their lungs (to scream and panic) instead of their brains (to run or fight back) when confronted by the zombies. Will I ever be able to look at Caribbean islands the same way ever again?
See for yourself. But watch out for that lovingly-shot-in-close-up eye-gouging scene. It's fucking gross.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: While it's no DAWN OF THE DEAD, ZOMBIE does have its own strengths to recommend it. While I can't really give this movie a rating higher than *** (above average) due to some bad acting, bad dubbing, and clunky dialogue, the fact remains that is an undeniably creepy, atmospheric, and terrifying film.
Director Lucio Fulci brings an Italian aesthetic to the zombie template, and he sets up some beautiful shots and gripping imagery. What's notable about ZOMBIE is how much of it takes place in sunny daylight. Even with all that brightness, Fulci creates an almost choking sense of dread and impending doom. He manages to make the wide-open spaces of the island seem claustrophobic and suffocating. Matool as seen through the lens of Fulci is a beautiful place - with death around behind every palm tree. Also the film rises above the ordinary because of some truly inspired set-pieces: (1) the attack on Dr. Menard's wife, Paola (Olga Karlatos), when he leaves her home alone in their cottage; (2) Peter, Anne, Susan, and Brian being stalked by the zombies through the jungles; (3) the corpses of the island' s ancient Spanish conquistadores rising from the dirt in a terrifying mass revival scene; and - last but definitely not the least: (4) the underwater zombie vs. Tiger shark battle that follows the attack of both on Susan. This last scene is now the stuff of legend. It sounds utterly ridiculous on paper - but it works beautifully on-screen, against all odds.
Also, Fabio Frizzi's pulsating and hypnotic score goes a long way in promoting ZOMBIE's doom-laden atmosphere. From the eerie opening with the abandoned schooner in New York harbor, all the way to the grim and bleak ending, Frizzi's music hangs over everything like a sinister omen. It's an atmospheric score that is addictive and haunting.
Regarding the cast, well, they're not the best actors in the world, but they get the job done. They're certainly not helped by an awful dubbing job. The standouts are Ian McCulloch as Peter, and Richard Johnson as the mysterious Dr. Menard. Al Cliver is also decent as Brian. Unfortunately, the female characters of this film, while portrayed by some very beautiful actresses, are invariably weak and dependent on the men around them for rescuing. Ugh. It's like Barbara from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - multiplied by four. This is especially disappointing, since the script was written by a female screenwriter - Elsa Briganti. Come on, lady. You of all people should know how fiery, tough, and passionate Italian women are. Sheeeesh.
Nevertheless, ZOMBIE still works because of Lucio Fulci's assured direction and Fabio Frizzi's eerie music. While it cannot stand near DAWN OF THE DEAD or NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, ZOMBIE is definitely near the head of the pack of films that were inspired or influenced by those films. And given how many of those are out there, that is saying something.
