Oh, sure… there was never really any doubt about who would walk off with the Top Five Awards - just how well they’d give their acceptance speeches. Which, thankfully, were actually quite sweet and classy. Especially one in particular. Yes, Ms. Portman. I am talking about you. You are such a generous and thoughtful babe, thanking the unsung heroes on the crew by name. I’m so impressed by your sterling character, that I would also like to have a sleazy threesome with you and James Franco.
At any rate, for anyone who was either without a television tonight or trapped under something heavy, please find below the winners of the Top 5 Oscars:
BEST SCREENPLAY: David Seidler for THE KING’S SPEECH
BEST DIRECTOR: Tom Hooper for, uh, THE KING’S SPEECH
BEST ACTRESS: Natalie Portman for BLACK SWAN
BEST ACTOR: James Franco for 127 HOURS (kidding, it was Colin Firth for, um, THE KING’S SPEECH
BEST PICTURE: 127 HOURS (kidding again, it was also some movie called THE KING’S SPEECH - anyone heard of it?)
And while I was hoping to regal the world with some of hilarious shit that I observed during the party, I promised someone I would only talk about hilarious shit that happened onscreen - not in the room. Newsflash, guys: I operate a blog - not the National Enquirer. Don’t flatter yourselves. You’re not that interesting…
With that in mind, I’ve assembled some special awards of my own from tonight‘s show. Please see below:
BEST USE OF A RED DRESS: Sandra Bullock and Anne Hathaway
BEST USE OF BLUE DRESS: Anne Hathaway (yes, really) and Amy Adams
BEST USE OF BLACK AND WHITE DRESS: Reese Witherspoon.
BEST USE OF A DRESS THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS ATTACKED BY A BUBBLEGUM MACHINE: Cate Blanchett.
BEST USE OF A PIMPIN’ SUIT: Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin
BEST USE OF A LEOTARD: James Franco doing his BLACK SWAN impersonation (I’m not normally an ass man - more like pecs and biceps - but one word aptly describes his tushie: goddamn. I think at this point I turned to my host and asked, “Please tell me you’re recording this to DVD. PLEASE!”)
BEST USE OF THE F-WORD: Melissa Leo’s inner voice goes buck-wild during her acceptance speech for BEST SUPPPORTING ACTRESS.
BEST REFERENCE TO MELISSA LEO USING THE F-WORD: James Franco, telling her “Congratu-effing-lations, Melissa…” Please bring this guy back next year.
WORST REFERENCE TO MELISSA LEO USING THE F-WORD: Christian Bale during his acceptance speech for BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. Chris, you’re awesome and I knew you’d win - but enough about the F-word already. Deal with it.
MOST UNEXPECTED CAMEO: Billy Crystal, smiling through his burning rage at watching his old gig being usurped by James and Annie. You picked the wrong business to grow old in, Billy.
MOST INTERESTING CHEMISTRY BETWEEN PRESENTERS: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis; Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr.; Russell Brand and Helen Mirren. Who wants to bet they went backstage and basically ripped each other’s clothes off, afterwards?
MOST PUZZLING WIN: The music for THE SOCIAL NETWORK nabs BEST ORIGINAL SCORE. Really, Academy. Really?
LEAST PUZZLING WIN: Christian Bale for BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR for his role in THE FIGHTER. Knew it. Felt it. Suck it.
MOST SUSPENSEFUL WIN: Natalie Portman vs. Annette Bening. Not exactly neck-and-neck, but close.
FUNNIEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: Colin Firth for BEST ACTOR - droll, self-deprecating British wit at its best. Made me want to sleep with him.
MOST TOUCHING ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: Natalie Portman for BEST ACTRESS - thanking “the people who normally are never mentioned” like the hair and make-up folks, the camera operators, and other technical crew. By name. Each of them. Yes, folks - she remembered all their names. Made me want to sleep with her.
UGLIEST WOMAN ONSTAGE: James Franco in drag. The man in his natural masculine form is basically Sex-On-Legs, and you know I would so tap that. But put him in a blonde wig, pink strapless dress, garish red lipstick, and high heels, and we’re basically talking a “woman” so terrifying it’s enough to make any straight man go gay. Sorry, James. You know I love you, but leave the cross-dressing to Tyler Perry and those guys on Hollywood Boulevard. Please.
SWEETEST SMILE ONSTAGE: Anne Hathaway. Made me want to sleep with her.
MOST CRINGE-INDUCING MOMENT: Did Christian Bale forget his wife’s name? Or did I slam back too many glasses of Merlot?
SECOND MOST CRINGE-INDUCING MOMENT: Tom Hooper during his acceptance speech for BEST DIRECTOR for THE KING’S SPEECH, basically telling Helena Bonham-Carter not to be jealous of his tri-cornered Bromance with Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush. Methinks the after-party might be a touch awkward.
THIRD MOST CRINGE-INDUCING MOMENT: Kirk Douglas practically salivating over Anne Hathaway, who is about, oh, 658 years younger than him.
MOST HEARTFELT PRESENTATION: Halle Berry, honoring the trailblazing maverick, Lena Horne.
HOTTEST WOMEN: Anne Hathaway, Cate Blanchett, Natalie Portman, Annette Bening, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, Melissa Leo.
HOTTEST MEN: James Franco, Javier Bardem, Colin Firth, Andrew Garfield, Mark Wahlberg.
FUNNIEST SKIT: The “He Doesn’t Own A Shirt” video with Jacob, Edward, and Bella from - what else - TWILIGHT - or whatever the fuck the latest one is called. And, seriously: put a fucking shirt on, Jacob. I know people who have better chests and abs than you - so give it a rest.
So, folks, if I were to rate tonight’s show, taking into consideration the hosts, presenters, awards, wins, skits, and unexpected moments, I’d have to rate it:
****½ out of *****
Buona serata, folks. Have a great week, and stay tuned for our Hybrid Genre week.
Smile... and STAY EXTRAORDINARY!
