(I guess this is how that song “Disco Inferno” got kick-started…)
CAST: Paul Newman, Steve McQueen, William Holden, Faye Dunaway, Richard Chamberlain, Susan Blakely, Fred Astaire, Jennifer Jones, O.J. Simpson, Robert Vaughn, Robert Wagner, Susan Flannery.
DIRECTOR: John Guillermin
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and lots and lots of hot, sizzling stuff straight ahead - and not just Paul Newman, Steve McQueen, Faye Dunaway, Susan Blakely, Robert Vaughn, Richard Chamberlain, and Susan Flannery.
In our recent review for PROM NIGHT (review # 198), I shared the lovely story of my own prom - which started out shitty when I showed up right on time, only to discover that I was the only one paying attention to the printed start time on the invitation. Things got considerably better, though, when the rest of my friends and classmates started to filter in, and I realized that I would be giving Joan Rivers a run for her money when it came to the Fashion Commentary department. Oh, the big hair and the poufy late-80’s attire and peach-fuzzes on both genders! My eyes! MY EYES!
The only thing that would’ve made that evening even more of a bust is if the hotel we were having the prom at suddenly caught fire. With all of us stuck on the rooftop restaurant like trapped mice waiting for an advancing flaming cat, it would’ve been awesome to watch my friends and classmates wig out and smack each other around in desperation. It would’ve been even more awesome if the hot (pun intended) firemen from the local American air force base nearby would’ve been deployed to save us. Guess who’s going to fake a fainting spell that will require mouth-to-mouth? Pucker up, buttercup.
Anyway, these are the things the characters of our latest review have to worry about. Our latest flick is the 70’s cheeze-fest THE TOWERING INFERNO, which is about a bunch of rich and important mucky-mucks partying in the rooftop club of a newly-opened San Francisco highrise called The Glass Tower. The building is 133 floors high, and if you’re thinking, “Sarcasto, surely you don’t mean the fucking thing catches fire and traps the rich bastards on top of the building?” well, all I can say is with sharp intuition like that you need to join the cast of THE MENTALIST, buddy.
So, yes… the 133-storey Glass Tower catches fire because of all the cost-cutting done during its construction. This scrimping leads to a wire in an 81st floor storage room going all “Happy New Year” and, next thing you know, all the linen and shit is ablaze. So far, you’re probably going “Well, Sarcasto, what’s the big fucking deal here? I’m sure they have sprinklers everywhere, even if this is the 70’s.”
I hear you, pal, but for some reason the sprinklers aren’t working. Seriously. So, before you know it, the fire is racing upward and threatening to devour a whole shitload of people wearing funny clothes and even funnier hair. And, like clockwork, a battalion of sexy-as-fuck firemen led by Chief O’Halloran (Steve McQueen) head on down to the Glass Tower to help out the flames and rescue the dumbass party guests on top of it.
The list of folks wearing 70’s party gear who may or may not get roasted alive include: (1) Doug Roberts (Paul Newman), handsome architect of the Glass Tower who is shocked - shocked, I tell you! - that his wiring specifications were not followed to the T; (2) Jim Duncan (William Holden), millionaire industrialist who owns the Glass Tower and may know a thing or two about that wiring specification change; (3) Susan Forgetting-Her-Last-Name-Now (Faye Dunaway), Doug’s bombshell girlfriend who is also a magazine editor and, apparently, a sex addict (I shall explain); (4) Roger Simmons (Richard Chamberlain), smarmy contractor who just might be behind the wiring specification change that is pissing off Doug; (5) Patty Simmons (Susan Blakely), Roger’s bombshell wife and Jim’s daughter who looks ready to divorce Roger’s ass at any minute; (6) Lisolette (Jennifer Jones), sweet-natured widow who must use a vat of hairspray to keep that ‘do standing up; (7) Harlee Claiborne (Fred Astaire), elderly con man looking to bilk Lisolette out of her life savings; (8) Senator Parker (Robert Vaughn), sleazy senator you just can’t wait to see plummet to his death; (9) Mayor Ramsay (Jack Collins), San Francisco mayor who’s starting to realize there’s a downside to getting invited to all these gala events; (10) Paula Ramsay (Sheila Allen), the mayor’s wife who now probably wishes she let him go stag to the event, and who must use two vats of hairspray to keep that ‘do from keeling right over; (11) Bigelow (Robert Wagner), pretty boy head of publicity for the Glass Tower who is also schtupping his secretary; and, last but probably one of the prettiest: (12) Lorrie (Susan Flannery), the secretary whom Bigelow is schtupping.
But before the party gets started, the movie jumps from location to location to acquaint us with these specimens of “soon-to-be-dead-meats.” I won’t waste any time describing all of them, but would like to discuss one in particular: our introduction to Susan. I told you I’d explain why I think she’s a sex addict. So, anyway… Doug shows up in his office on the Glass Tower’s 79th floor to find Susan waiting for him at his desk. Apparently, Susan is on her lunch break from the magazine she runs - and has popped over to Doug’s office to get, uh, popped.
Before you know it, Susan has pushed open a secret panel in the back wall to reveal… an ultra-luxurious fuck pad complete with Triple King-sized bed, bay window, deep shag carpet, and champagne. She basically yanks Doug into that little Den of Pleasures, all the while cooing: “Just remember that putting this in was my idea!” Thanks, Sue. We’ll make sure that all references to the Nympho Who Invented The Hidden Fuck Pad will be credited to you. Way to be ahead of your time, girlfriend. Let’s go out for margaritas later and complain about our dickhead boyfriends.
At any rate, shit rolls downhill in rapid progression: (1) the party starts; (2) people start dancing around in awful 70’s garb and even more awful 70’s disco moves; and - thank you, Lord: (3) the fire finally gets started. I guess you could say shit rolls uphill in rapid progression, because before you can say “William Baldwin was the only reason to see BACKDRAFT!” that roaring bitch of a fire is racing up elevator shafts and stairwells and threatening a whole lot of sequins, garish tuxes, and bouffant hairdos.
Will O’Halloran and Doug save the day? How can they stop a raging inferno when none of the fucking sprinklers work? Who signed off on the specs of this fucking place anyway? Was it that choad Roger? Or is that rich airbag Jim? Who will get barbequed alive? Who will live to attend more 70’s parties with questionable fashion and even more questionable dance moves? And, most importantly, will Susan entice Doug away from all his heroic derring-doing and, you know, fuck his brains out again?
I would. You know I would. We’re talking about a guy who looks like Paul Newman in his prime, people.
Anyway, before I close I’d like to tell you folks that this movie has a very high rate of characters using the “I.T.F.F.R.?. Look.” Also known as: “Is This Fucker For Real? Look". This is a glance of shocked disbelief that one character gives another when the latter has done, said, or contemplated something supremely idiotic. And, trust me, THE TOWERING INFERNO has a lot of these incidents.
To wit:
- About five minutes into the movie: Jim is trying to convince Doug not to leave San Francisco with Susan and move to the sticks, because he’s a city boy and will be bored at night. Doug responds that he will just sleep at night. Jim is obviously puzzled because with a smokin’ hot chick like Susan, who would sleep at night? Result? He gives Doug the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.”
- About 15 minutes in or so, Bigelow interrupts a tense meeting between Jim and Doug over the a short-circuit that led to a small fire. Doug tells Bigelow about it, and how it could lead to bigger fires later. Bigelow gives him the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.”
- About forty minutes in or so, that sleazebag Roger comes on to Susan at the party and propositions her. Susan, despite being a sex addict, apparently has class. Because before shooting him down and walking away, she - you got it - gives him the “I.T.F.R.R.? Look.” That’s my girl. I taught her well…
- Right around the same time, Halloran questions Doug about the sprinkler system. Doug says they’re not working on the 81st floor. Which just happens to be the floor that fire broke out on. Result: Halloran gives Doug an especially withering “I.T.F.F.R? Look.”
- About halfway in, we discover that Bigelow and Lorrie never made it to the party because they’ve decided to have a late “Dick-tation” session. They end up trapped in his office by the fire. Bigelow takes a wet towel (seriously), wraps it around his head (even more serious), and actually tells Lorrie that he will try to run through the fire to get help. “Don’t worry!” he tells her “I used to run the hundred meter dash in ten seconds!”
Let’s just say that the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look” she gives him is one for the books.
- Around the same time, O’Halloran makes it up to the top floor. He tells Jim to tell the guests to start taking the elevators down to the first floor. Jim, being a rich prick, tries to boss O’Halloran around by saying “Do you want me to pull rank?” To which our hot fireman O’Halloran responds: “When there’s a fire, I outrank everyone.”
And then O’Halloran gives him the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.” Take that, rich bitch.
- Three fourths into the movie, Senator Parker decides to have people try to walk down the stairwell to the first floor (fucking finally!). Jim actually turns to him and whines, “But that’s 133 floors!” As if staying where he’s at and burning to death is a much more appealing option.
“Yeah! All downhill!” retorts our Senator in his only display of intelligence and wit in this movie. Then he gives Jim that long-awaited and much-deserved “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.” I wish I could say he also slapped Jim, but that would be too much to hope for.
- Towards the end of the movie, Susan tries to let another woman take her place in the elevator that will take one last batch of women/children down to the safety of the street. Doug catches her doing this, and Susan tells him she’d rather stay up on the roof with him, imperiled, than be safe on ground-level, worrying about him.
Doug is obviously touched by this act of sacrifice, but - yes - he still gives her the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look“. Just because he can. You can tell he’s crying inside, though. Big softie.
- The biggest “I.T.F.F.R.? Look“, however, comes at the very end when the fire is finally out and the last of the survivors have been rescued. O’Halloran tells Doug that more highrise fires will occur until someone starts consulting with the fire department while building them.
I half-expected Doug and Susan to look at each other and burst out laughing. Before inviting O’Halloran to join them in a threesome, that is. Imagine that: a Paul Newman-Faye Dunaway-Steve McQueen sandwich. I’ll take three for the road, please…
Anyway, there’s a lot more of the “I.T.F.F.R.? Looks” to watch for, but it’s Saturday night and it‘s Miller time… I do suggest that you and your friends do a drinking game where you all watch THE TOWERING INFERNO - and everyone has to do a shot every time a character gives another character an “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.”
Trust me - you folks will be drunk and pawing each other before you know it.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: The 70’s are known for being the era of the Disaster Flick. This subgenre of the Action Genre is marked by several immutable characteristics: (1) a cast of glamorous folks portrayed by glamorous movie stars (no indie actors here, thanks); (2) a setting that confines all of them together; and (3) a threat of nature that takes the place of a human villain.
Along with the stunning success of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE in 1972, THE TOWERING INFERNO’s popularity helped establish the Disaster Flick sub-genre. Soon other titles like BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, THE SWARM, WHEN TIME RAN OUT!, and AVALANCHE - just to name a few - were populating marquees. Eventually, though, as with the slasher genre, Disaster Flicks started to wane in popularity in the early 80’s. There was a brief revival in the late 90’s with films like TWISTER, VOLCANO, DANTE’S PEAK, and then with recent hits like THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
Attempts to further revive the sub-genre by remaking THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE soon followed. Unfortunately, the 2006 remake entitled POSEIDON disappointed at the American box-office, despite doing well overseas. As a result, any future plans to remake other 70’s classic Disaster Flicks came to a halt. It’s a shame, because I’d love to see a glossy remake of THE TOWERING INFERNO.
THE TOWERING INFERNO is a reasonably suspenseful ride that must have been positively cutting-edge back in 1974. Unfortunately, it hasn’t aged well and entire passages of it drag and feel repetitive. Director John Guillermin could have easily trimmed at least half-an-hour off the movie’s running time and not significantly impaired either the action or the characters.
Speaking of the characters, another reason THE TOWERING INFERNO doesn’t feel as kinetic or dynamic as THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE is its characters mainly just sit there waiting to be rescued. Only Doug Roberts and Michael O’Halloran get to do any cool stuff. Everyone else pretty much walks around the party at the top of the building looking alternately worried or bored. With the group in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, we were more invested in their ordeal because they were active participants in it. They knew if they stopped moving, the rising water would catch up with them. Bottom line: the more a group of characters fights to survive, the more we want them to actually survive.
This isn’t to say there aren’t some sympathetic characters in THE TOWERING INFERNO. Doug Roberts makes for a good, no-bullshit hero. Matching him in this department is Michael O’Halloran, who is how I picture a true fire chief to be. Both Paul Newman and Steve McQueen play these alpha males very well. There are moments in the movie where we feel we’re almost watching a buddy movie. Fred Astaire, William Holden, Robert Vaugh, Richard Chamberlain, and Robert Wagner also lend enough spice their roles to keep us from losing interest too much.
The most likable characters are the women, though, especially as played by Faye Dunaway, Susan Blakely, Jennifer Jones, Susan Flannery, and Sheila Allen. Sure, with the exception of Lisolette, they ultimately don’t get to participate in the action as much as the guys do, but they sort of anchor the movie with the strokes of humanity the script gives them. To wit: (1) Patty tries her best to loyally stand by her man Roger despite the apparent fact that he indirectly caused the fire with his cost-cutting; (2) Lisolette bravely tries to rescue a deaf mother and her children trapped down on the 87th floor - and ends up partnering with Doug to help the kids get back to the roof; (3) Lorrie mothers and dotes on Bigelow with such haunting sweetness that you instantly want her to survive, and is one classy lady; (4) Paula tries to call her daughter from the club phone to say one last goodbye in case they don’t survive the fire; and, most touchingly: (5) Susan tries to give away her “winning lottery ticket” that would allow her to take a spot in a broken elevator that will make one last descent to the street - just so she can stay with Doug. The scene where Doug talks her out of this, and their nonverbal farewell before Susan steps into the elevator, is THE TOWERING INFERNO’s best scene. This is because the script has already established Doug and Susan from the very first few minutes as a couple you care about: playful, tender, breezy, yet also fiercely loyal to each other.
All in all, THE TOWERING INFERNO is an above average entry into the Disaster Flick subgenre. It’s not as good as THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, but it definitely has its own virtues to recommend it. Had John Guillermin pared down the script a little, it might have rated higher. In any case, it’s decent entertainment.
