(The United States Navy. It's not just a job - it's a fucking adventure...)
CAST: Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgaard, Liam Neeson, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker, Tadanobu Asano, Hamish Linklater, Adam Godley, Gregory Gadson.
DIRECTOR: Peter Berg
WARNING: Some SPOILERS one really unexpected interpretation of your not-so-favorite board game - straight ahead.
IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember that game that everyone (well, most of us anyway) liked when you were a kid? The one where you used a lot round pegs to simulate naval warfare? The one where you were basically randomly guessing coordinates like some fucked-up version of Bingo? The one that would occasionally result in you screaming: "Bitch, you sunk my Battleship - now I'm gonna sink yours! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"? You know which game I'm talking about: the one called, uh, "Battleship"?
Well, someone decided to take that game, fuse it with the plots of BATTLE: LOS ANGELES, SPECIES, and any TRANSFORMER flick of your choice, dump 'em all in a blender, hit "puree", and BAM! The result? BATTLESHIP: THE MOVIE. Except, instead of having your crafty brother or sister as an opponent, you have aliens as enemies. Yes, folks... aliens. I guess humans aren't the only ones with high-tech naval technology. Not if this movie is anything to go by.
The fun starts in Honolulu, Hawaii which, as far as I'm concerned, is where all movies should be set. Seems the U.S. Navy is just about to kick off RIMPAC, which is some sort of international exercise where the naval forces of 13 different countries mix it up in a bunch of war games. Right now, you're probably all like, "well, so far, so similar to the game." And, normally, I'd agree with you - except we are told that some dumbass scientists led by Dr. Nogrady (Adam Godley) and Dr. Zapata (Hamish Linklater) have recently sent an invitation into deep space to an Earth-like planet they have called (and I swear I am not making this up) "Planet G". It seems Planet G has a high chance of being able to support life - and so our rocket scientists (actual rocket scientists, this time, but no less stupid) have sent an intergalactic Evite to beckon them to visit.
Now, with a name like "Planet G", you'd expect a whole planet of sexy-as-fuck Guidos to jump into spaceship and show up on our doorstep, ready to party their asses off. But, no... it is my sad duty to disappoint you by saying these visitors are - how to put this sensitively? - ugly as sin. They look more like a cross between Gollum from the HARRY POTTER movies and a gorilla - which would explain the "Planet G" title, I guess. Sigh.
Anyhow, in an act roughly comparable to inviting someone into your house, only to watch them systematically tear it apart, the aliens promptly show up and proceed to wreak all sorts of shit on our turf. For starters, they: (1) blow-up Hong Kong, (2) set up a massive force field in the seas off Oahu, (3) blow up most of the battleships participating in RIMPAC, and (4) generally behave like the Houseguests From Hell. Thanks, Nogrady and Zapata. Assholes.
All is not lost, though, because several participants in RIMPAC (and a couple of civilians) decide they ain't taking this shit lying down. Especially not from a bunch of space cretins who look like the bastard children of Gollum and a Gorilla. The are: (1) USN Lieutenant Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), you basic reckless hothead; (2) USN Commander Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgaard), Alex's big bro and your basic wise mentor; (3) PO Cora Raikes (Rihanna), your basic hottie with a weapon; (4) Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker), your basic hot admiral's civilian daughter whom Alex is fucking; (5) USN Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson), Samantha's pops and your basic overprotective father; (6) JN Captain Yugi Nagata (Tadanobu Asano), your basic asshole-who-turns-nice; and last but in no way the least: (7) USN Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales (Gregory Gadson), pissed-off vet who was medically-retired for losing both his legs - which is why he's pissed off.
Will these folks be able to surmount the alien threat? What the fuck do the visitors from Planet G want anyhow? Is this anyway to respond to a polite invitation to visit planet Earth? Who will be the one to teach these assholes a lesson in inter-galactic manners? Alex? Stone? Cora? Samantha? Admiral Shane? Yugi? Mick? Or will the saviors of planet Earth be someone else? If so, who? WHO, GODDAMNIT, WHO!?!
Who cares. This is a movie based on a board game, folks. Let's keep some perspective.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: If there was ever a film that had an uphill battle, it's BATTLESHIP. From the moment it was announced that director Peter Berg (VERY BAD THINGS, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, THE KINGDOM) was helming an adaptation of the beloved board game, with a cast that included several hot newcomers (Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgaard, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker) and one reliable vet (Liam Neeson), the knives were out. I'm not sure if it's because most folks objected to the idea of using a fairly simple, straightforward board game as the basis for a feature-length film, or Berg and co.'s decision to turn the story into yet another TRANSFORMERS-style alien invasion flick. In either case, there was very little goodwill extended to this project from the word "go." This negative buzz ultimately helped the film open weakly at the North American box-office. Or, rather, it didn't help.
Which is a shame, because BATTLESHIP is actually a decent action film. No, it isn't original. No, it won't win any Academy Awards anytime soon. No, it's not even the best of its kind out there. But it is still a slightly above-average entry into the "Mechanized Alien Invasion" sub-genre popularized by TRANSFORMERS and BATTLE: LOS ANGELES. Credit must be given to Berg's assured direction and his attractive and charismatic cast. They may not be striking new ground with the story and their characters, but they make it an entertaining ride.
Taylor Kitsch is an okay lead. He actually gets better as the movie progresses, which I suppose is in tandem with Alex's arc from being just a reckless hothead to a reckless hothead who knows how to use his talents to lead others and save the day. Alexander Skargaard is a striking presence as Stone but unfortunately he (SPOILER ALERT) departs the action way too soon. Rihanna makes a solid debut as Cora Raikes, the tough Petty Officer who can hang with the boys and hold her own. Some quarters have knocked her for her acting here. The reality is she's fine - not great, not bad, but good enough and equal to the task.
As the other major female in the cast, Brooklyn Decker also holds her own as Samantha, Alex's star-crossed paramour. From watching the trailers for BATTLESHIP, we were afraid Samantha would be relegated to the "Fretting Girlfriend" role, and be stuck on the sidelines. Thankfully, the script gives her a reasonable amount to do - and even allows her to help save the day. Gregory Gadson is also effective as her comrade-in-arms. Gadson is a real-life vet, and he brings a certain authenticity to his role.
Liam Neeson is his usual solid self as Admiral Shane, who spends most of the movie cut off from the main action. The film's most engaging turn, however, comes from Japanese actor Tadanobu Asano as Captain Nagata, Alex's adversary who eventually becomes his most valuable ally. Their scenes of collaboration against the alien invaders are easily the film's best. Indeed, an extended sequence where Nagata realizes they can track and attack the aliens' coordinates despite their loss of radar, by using NOAA buoys that measure waves and water displacement, beautifully captures and mimics the gameplay of the original board game - and also becomes a grippingly suspenseful set-piece. Especially when the aliens realize their tactics - and turn the tables on them. This whole part of the film is the main reason it rates above the average mark.
Ultimately, BATTLESHIP is a victim of unwarranted negative hype that basically ensured it wouldn't make much of a dent at the North American summer box-office. Thankfully, the overseas earnings are quite solid, which should help its cred somewhat. It's not the most original film, but it knows what it wants to do: thrill and entertain. In that regard, it succeeds.
In closing, a snippet of Steve Jablonsky's dynamic score for BATTLESHIP. This track is called "Water Displacement" and it's the music that plays over Captain Nagata's "A-ha!" moment when he figures out how to use the NOAA buoys to track the movements of the aliens. Which leads to an exciting game of cat-and-mouse. Great music...
