(Oh. You. Stupid. Tourists...)
CAST: Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski, Devin Kelley, Olivia Dudley, Nathan Phillips, Ingrid Bolsoe Berdal, Dmitri Diatchenko.
DIRECTOR: Brad Parker
WARNING: Some SPOILERS one exceptionally dumb group of tourists - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: In our review for the solid Philippine horror movie THE ROAD (review # 455), we talked about how teenagers are probably the stupidest creatures on Earth, given the boneheaded decisions they make in horror films that place them in extreme mortal danger. Well, turns out we were wrong. There is another group of people who, believe it or not, are even more clueless when it comes to the art of self-preservation: tourists. How else to explain the colossally asinine choices the protagonists of our latest review make? Our movie is CHERNOBYL DIARIES, and if you're wondering if it could possibly be somehow linked to the tragic nuclear meltdown at the Chernobyl nuclear plant in the Ukraine from the mid-80's, then my response is: "What was the first fucking clue?"
Anyhow, the set-up for CHERNOBYL DIARIES is no different from the set-up from dozens of other "Stupid Tourists Who Are Soon To Be Stupid Dead Meat" movies: (1) a group of young, sexy Americans (2) travel to some remote overseas location where (3) they decide to wander off the beaten path at which point they (4) get fucking killed by (5) something really nasty. It's not exactly a complicated equation, folks. Which is probably why its been recycled over and over again. Or maybe its just because people really do turn stupid when they go on vacation. How else do you explain me and my posse snorkeling on an Oahu reef known for (1) mega-force waves; (2) razor-sharp lava rocks; (3) vicious rip tides, and (4) a ten-foot Tiger shark we nicknamed Cassandra? There is no excuse folks: IQ points drop sharply when one is on holiday. And when those IQ points aren't too high to begin with (as in our case), that could be a problem.
Whatever. Our heroes (I use that term very loosely) are: (1) Chris (Jesse McCartney), goodie-goodie responsible dude; (2) Paul (Jonathan Sadowski), Chris' bad boy brotha who lives in Kiev; (3) Amanda (Devin Kelley), sexy brunette that Paul wants to fuck something fierce; and (4) Natalie (Olivia Dudley), cute blonde that Chris plans on marrying. Oh, wait... they also run into a traveling hippie couple: (5) Michael (Nathan Phillips), laid-back Aussie who should really shave that fucking goatee; and (6) Zoe (Ingrid Bolsoe Berdal), cheerful Norwegian chick who looks like Nicole Kidman's shorter twin sister.
Our six numbnuts recruit the services of Uri (Dmitria Diatchenko), a sketchy (to say the fucking least) tour guide who regularly arranges tours to Prypiat, a burg in the Northern Ukraine. What's so special about Prypiat? Not much - just that it used to house the 50,000 employees and family members of the... Chernobyl Nuclear Plant. When one of the reactors went tits up in April 1986, the whole place was evacuated within hours. The 50,000 residents had to leave all their stuff behind - and never returned. The result: not so much a ghost town, but a ghost city. Seriously, folks... the place is fucking creepy. Not to mention potentially radioactive.
So right about now you are probably asking yourself: "What kind of heretofore undiscovered and unclassified breed of moron would go to a place that is: (1) abandoned; (2) creepy as hell; and (3) possibly still radioactive?" I wish I could say that only horror movie characters do this, but apparently there are real-life tours to Prypiat. But I bet none of them had to contend with what Chris, Paul, and the rest of the disphits have to deal with. Specifically, a fight for survival that will not so much have you rooting for them to make it, but placing bets with your friends as to which idiot is going to get chomped on by the mysterious threat next.
The first sign that this is not the most brilliant of touring ideas is when Uri and his gang of walking dead dumbasses reach the Prypiat checkpoint manned by the Russian military. Uri is told by the soldiers that they cannot go to Prypiat that day because some, ahem, "maintenance work" is being done. "Zhat eeez straaange," says Uri in his best Russkie Bond Villain accent. "Because zhat place eeeeez dezerted. Zhis eeez very straaange." "Really? Ya Fuckin' Think?" was my response. However, instead of, you know, just turning the hell around and doing another Kiev pub crawl, our future rocket scientists decide to take a back road that Uri, rapidly shaping up to the worst tourist guide ever, suggests to them. Before you know it, our seven dumb shits are smack dab in the middle of downtown Prypiat which, I don't have to tell you, isn't exactly bustling.
After an afternoon spend doing the following: (1) exploring empty streets, (2) exploring empty amusement parks, (3) exploring empty high-rise apartments, (4) exploring empty restaurants, and last but not the least: (5) getting the living bejesus scared out of them by a form of stray wildlife normally associated with Alaska and Yellowstone National Park (you have to see it to believe it), our seven Mensa candidates finally decide it's a good time to get the fuck out of Dodge, er, Prypiat. One problem, though: something has chewed through the wires of their van's starter. Meaning they are now stranded. In Prypiat. The city of 50,000 ghosts. Now is your cue to laugh your asses off. We sure as hell did. I don't pretend to be the smartest asshole in the Universe, but even I know enough to stay the hell out of radioactive ghost towns.
Before you know it, all manner of strange shite begins to plague our "heroes": (1) they hear strange sounds and voices coming from the abandoned city; (2) Uri decides to play "hero" and goes looking for help, only to disappear into thin air (which, given how fat he is, is a major feat); (3) Chris gets bitten by "something" in the leg; (4) Paul, Amanda, and Michael go looking for help and get attacked by "something" in one of the kitchens; (5) a pack of rabid dogs that make Cujo look like Snoopy attack them; and last but definitely the funniest: (6) they all realize that they have landed smack dab in the middle of THE HILLS HAVE EYES IN THE UKRAINE. Not a good realization to have, folks...
So... what is hiding in the ruins of Prypiat? Mutated survivors from the meltdown in 1986? Bloodthirsty looters? Hooligans? Uri's family? More dogs? Something else? Who will live to tell the tale of this utterly foolish expedition? Chris? Paul? Amanda? Natalie? Michael? Zoe? Uri? Or are they all pretty much dead meat?
Whatever. Time to go scuba dive - which is what these dipshits should've done in the first place.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Sometimes, an atmospheric and creepy setting can seriously elevate a horror film that might've been average or mediocre without it. Such is the case with our latest review, CHERNOBYL DIARIES, the semi-controversial follow-up by writer/director Oren Peli to his immensely-successful PARANORMAL ACTIVITY films. Here, Peli serves just as producer and co-writer, with first-time helmer Brad Parker talking the directorial reins. I used the term "semi-controversial" because there are quarters who strongly feel that Parker and Peli's use of a real-life tragedy (especially one as massive as the Chernobyl disaster) as the springboard for a horror movie is in poor taste and insensitive to the victims of the incident. While I can understand the concerns and partly agree with them, the fact remains that, from an objectively cinematic standpoint, the real-life ghost city of Prypiat is a supremely effective setting for a scary movie.
On April 26, 1986, Reactor # 4 of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant had a massive power surge during a systems test. Attempts to shutdown the reactor failed, and an even larger surge ultimately led to explosions - and the ensuing meltdown released massive plumes of radioactive smoke into the air: fallout. The nearby town of Prypiat, inhabited mainly by Chernobyl employees and their families, was evacuated within a matter of hours, with the inhabitants leaving most of their belongings behind. They never returned. To this day, the city of Prypiat (once home to approximately 50,000 people) is deserted. Now, 26 years later, the radiation levels in the area outside the reactor have reportedly fallen to acceptable levels - and Prypiat is gradually becoming an extreme tourist destination.
CHERNOBYL DIARIES cleverly uses (exploits?) the desolate, eerie environs of this once bustling community to tell yet another "Tourists in Mortal Danger" story. We've seen this type of premise in films like TURISTAS (tourists endangered in Brazil), THE RUINS (tourists endangered in Mexico), AND SOON THE DARKNESS (tourists endangered in Argentina), HOSTEL 1 and 2 (tourists endangered in Eastern Europe), and A PERFECT GETAWAY (tourists endangered in Hawaii). Here, though, we have elements of the "Backwoods/Rural Horror" sub-genre also mixed in. Elements of THE HILLS HAVE EYES, WRONG TURN, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE are also woven into the narrative, mainly an isolated setting and a vicious, mostly-unseen threat.
Director Brad Parker's milks his real-life ghost city setting for all the atmosphere and dread that it's worth. There is a genuinely unsettling feel to the sight of all those abandoned buildings, once filled with life and activity, but now consigned to the dust, shadows, and radiation. For the first two acts (and, frankly, most of the third act) of CHERNOBYL DIARIES, you can't help but be pulled under the movie's spell and share the characters' sense of awe and fear over their surroundings - and their growing terror after realizing they are stuck there for the duration. Then, when things "go bump in the night", things go even more downhill. There are some terrific setpieces here: (1) Paul, Amanda, and Michael's terrifying encounter in one of the kitchens, (2) the group encountering a lone child in the dark, and (3) the extended chase sequence through the tunnels below Prypiat that fills up most of the third act.
The reason CHERNOBYL DIARIES doesn't rate any higher than *** (above average) is because, as is typical to many horror films, the ultimate explanation of what the horror is fails to live up to the breathtaking build-up to it. The identity (or identities) of the threat stalking our heroes is a bit disappointing. This isn't because they aren't fully explained. After all, the scariest things are sometimes the ones left to the imagination. Rather, the resolution to CHERNOBYL DIARIES just doesn't make any sense. And, if taken seriously, it's almost offensive and truly insensitive to the Ukrainian government. Ultimately, CHERNOBYL DIARIES is hampered by its very weak ending. Which is a shame, because this film had the potential to be a classic horror film, despite (or, maybe, because of) its controversial subject matter. What we get instead is three-fourths of a good horror film.
The young cast is filled with some engaging faces. Singer Jesse McCartney is perfect for the role of the clean-cut good boy Chris, while Jonathan Sadowski is very appealing as the bad boy brother Paul. Sadowski's "sexy dork" personality is very useful in making Paul a lot more sympathetic than he could've been, making the character more of a goofy bad boy. Sadowski and McCartney are also touching and believable as brothers, especially in an early scene where Chris tells Paul he plans to propose to Natalie during their trip. Sadowski is also especially effective in a scene towards the end where Paul realizes the worst has happened to his Chris - and there's nothing he can do about it. Australian actor Nathan Phillips is likable as the equally likable Michael, who keeps a cool head despite all the horrors going on around them. Then there's Dmitri Diatchenko as the dubious tour guide Uri. Diatchenko is so believable in this role, you almost forget he's an actor acting.
Strangely for a horror film, the female characters of the film are not as distinct as the men: apart from their hair color, there seems to be very little to differentiate these women, personality-wise. Nevertheless, Devin Kelley, Olivia Dudley, and Ingrid Bolsoe Berdal still manage to make us care about what happens to Amanda, Natalie, and Zoe. I should also point out the relatively high presence of genre regulars in the cast: Jonathan Sadowski starred in the FRIDAY THE 13th remake, Ingrid Bolsoe Berdal was the heroine of the notable Norwegian slasher COLD PREY, and Nathan Phillips headlined in the Australian horror flicks DYING BREED and WOLF CREEK, as well as our own SNAKES ON A PLANE.
In the end, CHERNOBYL DIARIES is a genuinely creepy and frightening horror film that is severely hampered by an unsatisfying ending. Had co-writer/producer Oren Peli and director Brad Parker managed to come up with a stronger denouement, we might've had a horror flick for the ages. Still, given how most horror films these days fail to give us even a single solid act, the ability of CHERNOBYL DIARIES to keep us scared and engaged until almost the end is still something to praise.
