(Hot people in Spandex: Aw, yea...)
CAST: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hiddleston, Cobie Smulders, Clark Gregg, Gwyneth Paltrow.
DIRECTOR: Joss Whedon
WARNING: Some SPOILERS one seriously sexy sextet of superheroes - straight ahead....
IT'S LIKE THIS: In IRON MAN, we met swaggering billionaire stud Tony Starke (Robert Downey Jr.) and witnessed how he put on what is basically the coolest "Knight-In-Shining-Armor" suit ever - and turned into Batman, but much less serious and angsty. Then we watched his sexy swagger increase even more (if that's even possible) in IRON MAN 2, where we also got to meet the foxy Natasha Romanov (Scarlett Johansson) - who is basically every butt-kicking Bond Girl from Anya Amasova to Wai Lin to Jinx Johnson to Camille Montes, rolled into one. Then in THOR, we got to meet, uh, Thor (Chris Hemsworth), owner of the best highlights this side of the Sally Hershberger salon. Which makes you wonder why he seems so pissed off all the time. Doesn't the dude know he's got tresses that Gwyneth Paltrow would kill for? Then there's THE INCREDIBLE HULK, where we met "Beta Male With Serious Anger Management Issues" Bruce Banner, who, when seriously ticked, makes Thor look like Ichabod Crane, physique-wise, and Mr. Rogers, temperament-wise.
Speaking of Mr. Rogers, let's talk about a different one. Let's chat a bit about the last member of our sexy sextet of superheroes. Last, but in no... way... the... least... is Steve Rogers (Chris Evans). You'll recall that Stevie was a sweet, earnest, hot 90 pound runt who became a sweet, earnest, hot 220 pound stud who filled out a spandex suit with his perfect bubble butt (small but shapely) quite nicely. Makes me proud to be an American. And horny. Anyhow, you'll also recall that in CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER, Steve tussled with some nazi freakazoid with a really bad sunburn over some sort of glowing cube called "The Tesseract". Well, let's just say that the squabbling continues anew in THE AVENGERS - the latest in Marvel's chain of superhero flicks that is destined to make more money than God. Apparently, that fucking Tesseract thing is more prized than a 50% discount for a penthouse suite at the Hale Koa Hotel in Honolulu. Why, you ask? Well, read on...
It appears that The Tesseract can open the doorway into another dimension and let in a bunch of really ugly looking aliens that resemble a cross between a giant centipede, a garbage truck, and a rusting motorcycle. Which means that someone with an evil bent could conceivably use it to kick off doomsday. Hmmmmmm.... where's an evil mastermind when you need one? Well, it's at this point where Loki (Tom Hiddleston) enters the story saying "You rang?" You folks will recall that Loki is Thor's whiny pissant little brother who really needs to grow a pair. I guess his way of trying to prove himself involves stealing The Tesseract and kickstarting the aforementioned end-of-the-world. Geez, dude. Overkill much? Me, I'll take that half-off penthouse suite at the Hale Koa instead.
Enter mysterious agent Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) and his bonerrific second-in-command, agent Maria Hill (Cobie Smulders). Their job is to make sure our six superheroes don't turn into supertwats and annoy each other - which, given their herculean abilities, would be like nitro irritating glycerin. It's going to be an uphill climb, since Nick and Maria are dealing with: (1) a billionaire playboy with an ego the size of a planetoid, (2) a scientist with mega-anger management issues; (3) a Nordic god who wields a hammer the way most people wield their cellphones; (4) a female assassin named after a deadly spider who has more leather suits than a going-out-of-business sale at an S&M shop; (5) a male assassin named Hawkeye who totes around bows and arrows like he's Robin Hood's bastard son; and (6) our dear Steve Rogers, whom I'd like to have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner... you've heard of a hero sandwich? Well, sweeties, you have not lived until you've had a superhero in your mouth. Or two. Ha ha. Draw your own conclusions...
So... will The Avengers unite to battle Loki? Or will their constant in-fighting undermine their teamwork? Will Loki use The Tesseract to unleash hell on Earth? And if so, what is his ultimate plan? Doesn't the silly shit know he won't have anything left to rule if his rusting garbage truck monsters destroy the whole joint? How can he be stopped? How will this all end? And the most utterly ineffably important question of all: how gorgeous will Steve Rogers and Maria Hill's kids be when they finally just decide to fuck each other's brains out?
Those are going to be some gorgeous offspring...
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In this increasingly blockbuster-driven American cinema culture, studios are upping the ante to try to give the audiences something they haven't seen before. The danger with that kind of mentality is that with the fervor to outdo the competition, you tend to forget the classic formula of all good movies: (1) establish a group of sympathetic, vivid characters; (2) then put them in mortal danger; (3) and then have them get themselves out of it - or not. Most summer blockbuster films get the second and third parts right - but they sometimes overlook that crucial first part. And if you don't care about a group of characters, you aren't likely to care if they succeed or fail, flee or fight, live or die. With THE AVENGERS, Marvel Studios doesn't really try to give us anything new. Rather, they very wisely take the classic formula of good movie-making - and run with it. Basically, we care about this group of superheroes (and their allies) - and it pays off in us being invested in their mission.
THE AVENGERS has had the distinct advantage of having each of its principals (with the exception of Hawkeye) be set up with their own "backstory" film. This allows to go into THE AVENGERS with an established interest and emotional investment in the characters. All that might have still fallen by the wayside if the leads didn't click with one another. After all, this is their first time sharing center stage with each other. Fortunately, everyone here clicks. This is one cohesive team, and they have a solid chemistry. There isn't a weak link among them, and their camaraderie gives the film a sturdy foundation.
Robert Downey Jr balances swagger and sincerity as Tony Starke, effectively essaying a man who doesn't play well with others but is forced to by his circumstances. Chris Evans continues his subtly clever portrayal of Steve Rogers, hinting at Rogers' sense of displacement in this modern world he doesn't understand - and where his old values may not be as prized as much. Evans also plays all of his character's old-fashioned earnestness and stoicism without having him appear too idealized or perfect - which is harder than you think. Scarlett Johansson turns in solid work as Natasha Romanov, especially in a scene where she plays a psychological game of cat and mouse with Loki in an effort to find out his secrets. Chris Hemsworth as Thor turns in a similar performance as Evans, one that combines confusion with conviction - since both Thor and Steve are from bygone eras, they share a sense of being "behind the times". Then there's newcomer Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye. Renner and Hawkeye more than hold their own against his co-stars and their characters. Finally, Tom Hiddleston as Loki makes for a refreshingly multi-faceted bad guy. His performance reminds me somewhat of Joaquin Phoenix and Commodus in GLADIATOR: a similar character who was trying to emerge from the shadow of his more celebrated kin - but in a deadly way.
As for the supporting cast, Sam Jackson is a suitably vivid Nick Fury, while Clark Gregg and the gorgeous Cobie Smulders are dynamic as Fury's fellow agents who do their best to help and protect the lead six. Gwyneth Paltrow also has nice cameo as Pepper Potts, Tony Starke's loyal lover. But Smulders as Maria Hill is the most compelling presence in the support group and thankfully gets a lot to do, and the film hints at a future relationship between her and Steve Rogers. Can't wait for the sequel. Chris Evans and Cobie Smulders will make one beautiful couple.
Director Joss Whedon strikes the perfect balance of humor, heart, and heroism in THE AVENGERS, making it a perfect summer ride. The movie so galvanizing, buoyant, and vivacious that I can't help but wonder if the upcoming THE DARK KNIGHT RISES may appear overly dour and angsty by comparison. We shall see. For now, know this: THE AVENGERS is the best superhero film since CAPTAIN AMERICA.
Go, Team! In closing, a tribute to THE AVENGERS:
