(I’ve heard of high stakes poker matches, but this takes the fucking cake…)
CAST: Stefania Rocca, Liam Cunningham, Silvio Muccino, Adalberto Maria Merli, Claudio Santamaria, Mia Benedetto, Fiore Argento, Cosimo Fusco, Giovanni Visentin, Conchatta Puglisi.
DIRECTOR: Dario Argento
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and rather misguided card sharks straight ahead…
There are three things that I wish I was better at: (1) playing soccer; (2) singing; and (3) keeping a decent poker face. I know that, short of a brain transplant that puts Pele’s grey matter into my noggin, I will never be a great soccer player. I also know that, unless I get Chris Martin’s vocal cords implanted in my throat, I will continue to set off car alarms and neighborhood dogs within a two-mile radius when I sing on my balcony in the morning.
Still, there’s a greater chance of me becoming a great soccer player or an awesome singer, than being able to maintain a decent poker face. As a friend recently told me, “Dude, your face is like an open book. ‘Nostril flare’ means you’re either pissed or impatient. ‘Pursed lips’ means you’re thinking of something - or someone - hot. 'Half-smile' means you’re picturing someone naked. ‘Half-closed eyes’ means you’re either plotting or reminiscing. ‘Steady gaze’ means you’re in business mode and totally uninterested in ripping someone‘s clothes off. ‘Averted gaze’ means you want to rip someone’s clothes off - really bad - and are afraid they might sense it, hence the fear of eye contact. ‘Cheesy grin with triple fist pump in the air’ means you have three of a kind. Am I right or am I right?"
Well, the fucker was right. Except I only do a double fist pump in the air when I have a full house, thank you very much. In short, while having an expressive face is very much an asset when you’re an actor or model, it is absolutely detrimental when you’re playing poker. Which is why I usually get my ass spanked at the game. Literally and figuratively, during some matches that involve alcohol. My face is like a fucking billboard that reads: “Ah gotz mah-self a Straight Flush, bitchezzzz…”
It’s a good thing I’m not in the movie THE CARD PLAYER, because my face would totally give away my hand. And my opponent would win. And that, in turn, would lead to some very, very, very bad things. See, our latest review is about a serial killer who terrorizes Rome by kidnapping women and holding them captive while he plays video poker over the internet with the local cops - with the victim’s life at stake. Every time the cops lose a hand, Mr. Psycho Card Player cuts off something of the captive’s. In other words, eeeeeeew. But if the cops win, he promises to let the victim go.
The first victim is Christine Girdler (Jennifer Poli) a British tourist who disappears, only to soon show up trussed up like a turkey on a webcam broadcasted right into Roma Questura (that’s means ‘police precinct’ to those of us who aren’t beautiful Italians). The killer challenges our Roman cops to a game that might as well be called “Blood Poker.” Unfortunately, the chief of the Questura (Adalberto Maria Merli) basically says, “Fuck that! Not on my watch.” This prompts our impatient serial killer to basically slice Ms. Girdler right on camera, cueing a lot of disgusted reactions on the other end.
As a result of the death of a British national, the UK consulate sends MI-6 agent John Brennan (Liam Cunningham) to the Questura to show those Italians cops that, while they may be smokin’ hot, they still have nothing on the Brits when it comes to sleuthing. After all, Sherlock Holmes was British, right? As you can imagine, John doesn’t exactly win the hearts and minds of his Roman colleagues on first sight. More like exclamations of “Stronzo!” or “Vaffanculo!” In case you’re wondering what those mean, I dare you to walk into an authentic Italian restaurant and scream them out loud.
The only person who doesn’t hate John on sight is our lovely Italian heroine Anna Mari (Stefania Rocca). Anna is a detective at the questura who doesn’t mix business with pleasure, and therefore instantly sympathizes with John, since he’s something of an outlier. Or maybe she just want to fuck his brains out because he looks and acts a lot like Liam Cunningham.
Not much longer after John basically pisses of the entire Rome police force, another woman disappears. And another webcast appears from the killer, with victim # 2 bound and gagged - and another challenge from the killer to play. This time, the cops foist pretty-boy detective Carlo (Claudio Santamaria) to play for the girl’s life. Unfortunately, he turns out to have an even worse poker face than me - because the killer anticipates his every move and ends up beating his fine Italian ass. You know what that means: one less hot Italian chick walking around in a mini-skirt. And one more mark against the Rome Questura.
Realizing they can’t go on this losing streak for much longer, John and Anna end up recruiting a video poker wunderkind named Remo (Silvio Muccino) to battle the killer the next time he issues a challenge. They get clearance from the chief to pay Remo 2,500 euro for each hand he wins - and if he wins the game and the next victim survives, I guess John and Anna will invite him to a threesome. Kidding. But you know you want to see that…
Then the next woman is abducted. And this time, it just happens to be the Questura chief’s fashion designer daughter Lucia (Fiore Argento). Try to contain your laugher at this ironic, but not bitterly so, plot twist. More like hilariously. Bet the chief is glad he authorized that windfall for our poker genius Remo. Because now the little fucker has to deliver.
Will Remo save Lucia? Or will he lose just like Carlo? And will the killer add Lucia to his ever-growing list of victims? Or will he actually release her if Remo wins? Will John and Anna ever catch ’Il Cartaio?’ Or will Rome forever be plagued with disappearing chicks and fucked-up webcasts directed right at the Questura? Who is ’Il Cartaio’ anyway? Is it one of the cops? Is it John? Someone who knows Anna? Is it actually Remo. Is it - gasp! - is it Robert De Niro.
Why not? He’s Italian, and he’s kind of scary… I can totally see it.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Italian horror auteur Dario Argento has been branded “The Italian Hitchcock” for his parade of surreal, baroque, highly-stylized, and intensely bloody horror/thrillers dating back to 1970 with his first smash success, THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE. This was soon followed by classics like DEEP RED, SUSPIRIA, and TENEBRAE, as well as the severely underrated PHENOMENA, which was one of Jennifer Connelly’s first roles.
Argento sharply divides film audiences. His loyal fans admire his sheer artistry in presenting visceral stories that are like being trapped in a nightmare state for about two hours. His detractors knock his inability to tell a story without clunky dialogue or awkward passages, and can’t see what the fuss is about. That is a fair assessment. Not everyone has to love Argento, and I can easily understand why many people are put off by his films.
But to criticize and dismiss Argento’s films based on some rather pedestrian writing and thin characterizations is to miss the whole point of his movies: evoke fear in a way that is both raw and beautiful. In particular, SUSPIRIA, PHENOMENA, and DEEP RED are filled with moments of bravura craftsmanship and artful staging that make up for any shortcomings in the story and acting department.
Bottom line: you almost have to be more forgiving with an Argento film because of the ultimate pay-off, which is a surreal and eerie roller-coaster ride through our darkest dreams.
The same goes for THE CARD PLAYER. If Argento divides films audiences, THE CARD PLAYER polarizes Argento fans. Many Argento-philes who hate this movie cite its sterile, clinical, seemingly non-Argento approach. Also, they feel it’s not gory enough, as his best hits have been. Those of us, however, who like THE CARD PLAYER actually like it because it is so different from the rest of Argento’s oeuvre. Make no mistake, though: Argento may be trying something different here, but his usual trademarks are well intact. You just have to keep a sharper eye out for them.
THE CARD PLAYER rates fairly high in my book precisely because Argento manages to juggle his old style with a newer one. His movies are usually defined by memorable setpieces that seem like standalone movies. THE CARD PLAYER has one: the scene wherein Anna is terrorized by the killer in her house. The scene plays out in near-complete darkness, with the killer stalking Anna through the hallways, and with us only catching glimpses of the action. This sequence harkens back to similar chase scenes in SUSPIRIA, INFERNO, and PHENOMENA.
Another reason THE CARD PLAYER is a strong, if atypical, entry into the Argento canon is due to its heroine and the actress playing her. Anna Mari is probably Argento’s best heroine, and Stefania Rocca is the ideal actress to play her. Rocca intuitively understands that Anna is someone who keeps a lot hidden, but doesn’t necessarily want this to be the case. The arrival of John in her orbit forces her to make a connection, not only professionally - but also personally. I was living in Italy when THE CARD PLAYER was filming just two hours north of where I lived, and I remember reading an interview with Stefania Rocca in an Italian magazine. She gaves such an eloquent breakdown of her character’s psyche that I became a fan on the spot. Anyone that gorgeous and with that much insight into human behavior, deserved to be on the silver screen.
If Anna Mari and Stefania Rocca are Argento’s best heroine and lead actress, then surely John Brennan and Liam Cunningham are his best hero and lead actor. Just as Mari and Rocca click together, Cunningham and Rocca generate the perfect degree of chemistry. Nothing too explosive, because then it becomes primarily about sex. But nothing too lukewarm, either. Instead, the two leads give off the electricity of two kindred spirits who find and recognize each other - and quietly celebrate that. Without Rocca and Cunningham in the main roles, THE CARD PLAYER would not have rated as highly as it does.
In the end, THE CARD PLAYER may have disappointed a lot of Argento fans, and puzzled a lot of mainstream audiences, but those of us who know what the “Italian Hitchcock” was aiming for, give him props for this attempt to think outside the box. And to a certain degree, he succeeded.
THE CARD PLAYER stands out from the rest of Dario Argento’s body of work - in an intriguing way. And that’s always a good thing.
