(That‘s cute and sensible: let‘s send in the FBI agent who has never heard of moisturizer or hair spray to go undercover at a beauty pageant)
CAST: Sandra Bullock, Benjamin Bratt, Ernie Hudson, Candace Bergen, William Shatner, Heather Burns, Steve Monroe, Melissa DeSousa, Asia De Marcos, Deirdre Quinn, Wendy Racquel Robinson.
DIRECTOR: Donald Petrie
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one brunette tomboy agent who just doesn’t care about foo-foo shit - straight ahead…
In 1988, the Miss California pageant got a rather unpleasant surprise. Turns out one of its contestants was there in undercover mode. She was Michelle Anderson, the title-holder for Miss Santa Cruz. Anderson was there with other California beauties to see who would win the state title - and advance to the Miss America pageant.
Well, to be more accurate, Ms. Anderson was there as a mole. Evidently, she was actually anti-pageant and, in true Elektra King fashion, Ms. Anderson plotted to unveil a protest at the event itself. Sure enough, she placed as first runner-up and just as the judges were about to give the title of Miss California to the other contestant, Anderson reached into her bra (seriously) and pulled out a silk banner which read: “Pageants Hurt All Women.”
Apparently, had Anderson won the Miss California title, she would have kept silent until she reached the Miss America pageant - and pulled her stunt there. But, as my buddhist friend “Liam” (nicknamed such because of his resemblance to Irish actor Liam Neeson) would say, “there is a grand design over everything.” And this proved true for Michelle Anderson. She never made it past the Miss California round, so her message reached a limited audience. Imagine the hoolabaloo that would have ensured if she had placed in the Miss America pageant. Oh, what a clusterfuck that would have been.
Anyhow, do pageants really hurt all women? That’s a discussion for another evening. Tonight, we are reviewing MISS CONGENIALITY, a film that features a heroine who, like the real-life Michelle Anderson, is undercover at a beauty pageant. Our heroine, though, is not an anti-pageant feminist activist, but rather a very tomboyish FBI agent who must undergo the Makeover To End All Makeovers in order to ferret out a bomber threatening the, ahem, “Miss United States” pageant.
Our heroine is Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock), and let me just say up front that this chick has more testosterone than me, my little brother, my other little brother, and a rampaging herd of Montana bulls - combined. For starters, we first see Gracie as a young girl on a playground trying to protect the boy she likes from bullies. Unfortunately, in true dipshit male fashion, the boy gets pissed at Gracie for making him look like a wuss in front of everyone. Which leads Gracie to do the noble thing and punch the ungrateful little fucker right in the nose. Go girl. Move on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Anyhow, it doesn’t come as much of a surprise that Gracie grows up to be a gung-ho, headstrong, rambunctious FBI agent. Now, if Gracie were a dude, this would not be a problem. Somehow, a male agent who bends the rules and flies by the seat of his pants is seen as a “maverick” or “super-cop,” and would probably be promoted to Division Chief in no time flat.
Sadly, because our dear Gracie has tits and a vagina, she’s labeled as a “fuck-up” or “loose cannon” or “problem agent.” How’s that for equality. It’s bad enough that she has to deal with periods (not the punctuation kind) and cramps, but Gracie also has to put up with sexist fuckheads for colleagues. No worries, though, because Gracie is played by Sandra Bullock - and Sandy always gets hers in the end.
It doesn’t take long for Gracie to get a chance to “redeem” herself. Of course, I must point out again that if she were a guy, there would be no need to do so. But I will keep my sexism protests to myself for now. Anyhow, turns out the officials at the Miss United States Pageant in Texas have been getting threatening letters from some bomber. The FBI wants to send in a female agent to go undercover to sniff out clues.
Several problems, though: (1) the only hot to semi-hot female agents are either unavailable or on pregnancy leave; (2) the only female agents left are what a friend of mine would refer to as, um, having fallen out of “the ugly tree and slammed face-first into every single goddamned branch on the way down”; (3) none of the male agents are androgynous enough to pull a Rupaul number and go double undercover; and (4) that leaves just one available option (as horrifying a prospect as it may be): Gracie Hart.
Stuck in a corner, SAC Harry McDonald (Ernie Hudson) bites the bullet and sends Gracie into the trenches to take the place of Ms. New Jersey. Even though this is basically the equivalent of sending me into the locker room of the Seattle Seahawks to impersonate a football player. I’m sure I would appreciate the, um, scenery but let’s face it: I might be able to get by with soccer (the real football), but when it comes to this thing called American football, I’m about as knowledgeable about the sport as Gracie is as about skincare. Maybe we should switch. I really think I have a better shot at the pageant. I’ve got the ass and legs for it, if nothing else.
But I digress. Yet again. My point is this: if Gracie is going to successfully pass as a woman she’s going to need some serious help. And this comes in the form of Victor Melling (Michael Caine), a stylist extraordinaire who was responsible for some remarkable transformations in the history of the Miss United States Pageant. Because of this track record, the loony organizers, Kathy Morningside (Candace Bergen) and Stan Fields (William Shatner), seem confident that he can turn “Dirty Harriet” into “Christy Turlington.”
Can Victor work his magic on Gracie? And if he does, will she be able to blend in well with all the divas, bitches, wenches, prima donnas, and generally high-maintenance hussies that form the bulk - nay, the vast majority - of the contestants? Will Gracie make any allies? And who is the bomber? One of the pageant officials? Stan? Kathy? One of the FBI agents on Gracie’s team? One of the contestants? And the most burning question of all: will Gracie’s hunky partner, Eric (Benjamin Bratt), finally see her for the closet hottie that she really is - and ask her on a date?
I think there’s a good chance - as long as she keeps that unibrow at bay. You look like a hottie now, Gracie. Don’t drop the fucking ball…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Stating it up front: MISS CONGENIALITY is a textbook example of a film whose slight and somewhat silly premise is enlivened and elevated by a lead with charm and talent to spare - as well as a game support cast backing her up. Sandra Bullock was tailor made for the role of Gracie Hart, and the character plays to all of Bullock’s strengths: likable sarcasm, feisty tomboyishness, and a beauty that never fails to catch you by surprise. There are moments in this movie, as in all Sandra Bullock’s movies, where you can’t help but think: that is one beautiful woman.
As for the supporting cast, they are all well-chosen and deliver their roles strongly. Among the veterans consisting of Candace Bergen, William Shatner, Ernie Hudson, Benjamin Bratt, and Michael Caine, it is Caine who stands out the most. While you could say that his portrayal of the gay Victor Melling is a little broad and stereotypical, Caine is clearly having a blast and it’s a delight to see him in this unexpected role. The running banter and bickering between Victor and Gracie is MISS CONGENIALITY’s main comedic motor - and the two characters have a nice father-daughter vibe.
As for the younger cast of beauties such as Melissa DeSousa, Asia DeMarcos, Deirdre Quinn, Wendy Racquel Robinson, and Heather Burns, it’s Burns who fares the best as the sweet and innocent “Cheryl from Rhode Island.” As with Gracie’s paternal connection to Victor, her sisterly rapport with Cheryl gives MISS CONGENIALITY additional depth and texture. Burns’ unique combo of spacey, ditzy, and spunky is one of this movie’s many comedic highlights.
All in all, MISS CONGENIALITY could have easily sank to the average level and below with the wrong casting and chemistry between its cast members. Fortunately, the lovely and luminous Ms. Bullock and her gang of cheery co-stars make this a flick worth catching. As with most things in life, all you need is the right people around you.
