(Welcome to the Floral Shop From Hell…)
CAST: Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Stephen Guarino, Amir Arison, Zoe Kazan, Jay O. Sanders, Rachel Dratch, Gary Wilmes.
DIRECTOR: Nia Vardalos
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one wasted romance - straight ahead….
IT’S LIKE THIS: Any guy who’s interested in a meaningful long-term relationship (yes, all eleven of you out there - remove the gay ones, and that leaves only two) would do well to avoid the heroine of our next review . She is Genevieve Gernier (Nia Vardalos), and she is, to put it simply, a Dude In A Chick’s Body. Put simply, she doesn’t believe in relationships - just no-strings attached hot sex that ends after the fifth date. All the better to move on to fresher and greener pastures (figuratively speaking, thank you). Yes, folks: our girl Genevieve changes men every fifth date, making her what is clinically referred to as, ahem, a “Raging Whore“. Go, sistah…
That doesn’t mean that Genevieve isn’t romantic, though. Quite the opposite: she believes everyday should be Valentine’s Day, and owns a New York floral shop that slams this particular message home with vivid precision. Seriously - any guy who walks in will be drained of his testosterone in ten seconds flat, and I don’t mean through a hot blowjob. Although that is a distinct possibility because Genevieve’s two assistants are a couple of gay dudes named Bill and Bob (Stephen Guarino, Amir Arison), but are nicknamed “Ooops” and “Uh-Oh”. Before you start thinking (as I immediately did) that these monikers were based on incidents of premature ejaculation, let me disappoint you: they’re from Bill and Bob’s tendency to be, uh, clumsy. Which, really, is the same thing.
Whatever. Anyhow, Genevieve’s world gets turned upside down when she meets transplanted Atlantan (and ultra-hot) Greg Gatlin (John Corbett), a sweet and humble dude who’s opening a Tapas bar nearby despite the fact that he’s about as Spanish as Brad Pitt. Genevieve and Greg spark an attraction, and before you know it, the “Five-Date” roller-coaster and revving up again. In addition to “Oops” and “Uh-oh”, the rest of Genevieve’s coterie of pals (Rachel Dratch, Zoe Kazan, Jay O. Sanders) pull up their chairs to watch Genevieve do the “Romantic Raging Whore” thing yet again…
Did someone call my name?
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Genevieve's gal pals (Zoe Kazan, Rachel Dratch). Go, sistahs...
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: John and Nia are pretty smokin’ and turn Greg and Genevieve into one fetchin’ couple…
MOST INTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Greg “wooing” Genevieve with a serenade that apparently involves everyone who lives on the block.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SWEET SCENE: Greg and best pal Cal (Gary Wilmes) getting drunk on a stoop to drown their romantic sorrows. Guy, get over it….
HOTTEST SCENE: Greg and Genevieve’s courtship is more sweet than sexy. So this award goes to Tim the Straight Delivery Man (Jay O. Sanders) challenging “Ooops” to smooch him - to see if Tim can be seduced to the "dark side". “Ooops” - what are you waiting for, you fucking dork? Here... I'll do it.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: How long can Genevieve continue to do her “Five-Dates-And-That’s-It” thang before she starts to yearn for something more? Will Greg change her outlook on relationships? Or will he join the dozens (if not hundreds) of guys that Genevieve has scorched through? Is Greg “The One”? Will Genevieve be brave and try to start something real with him? Or will she chicken out and move on to the next piece of meat? How will this Valentine’s Day end? Who will live “happily ever after”? Will someone have a “Happy Ending”? One that doesn’t end with “Ooops” or “Uh-Oh”? Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “I HATE VALENTINE‘S DAY”: If you liked Nia Vardalos and John Corbett so much in MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, that you don’t mind them in this decidedly inferior flick.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “I HATE VALENTINE‘S DAY”: If you want your romantic comedies to be more than just passably average. And if you don’t find John and Nia all that special together.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Nothing is more frustrating than a film that has the potential to be a classic, but is undermined by some serious flaws. THE VOW (review # 432) could’ve been a powerful love story, but was weakened by a blank performance from its lead actress and a facile treatment of the great premise by its director and writers. The result was an average experience. The same thing applies to our current review: I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY could’ve been a romantic comedy great, but is hindered by a highly uneven performance from its lead actress and some awkward staging.
Nia Vardalos and John Corbett have a genuine connection that is intriguing and touching - and this came across quite clearly in MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING. Their characters’ relationship in that film anchored the story in such a way that it weathered the broad Greek-American stereotypes that bombarded us. Even though the movie was ultimately about Ian’s integration into the Portokalous clan, its emotional center was his romance was Toula. Without it, MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING would not have worked - and credit for this should go to the strong chemistry between Vardalos and Corbett.
Why, then, does I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY rate much lower than MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING? How can this movie be significantly weaker than the previous one, with the same stars in another romantic storyline? Sadly, credit (if that is even the right term to use) should go to Vardalos’ erratic performance. The problem is not the character of Genevieve. She had the potential to be even more interesting and compelling than Toula from GREEK WEDDING. Unlike Toula, Genevieve is direct, seductive, romantic, vibrant, alluring, and has a sexy swagger that could easily entice any man. At least that’s how she’s written. How she’s played by Vardalos is a different matter. Unfortunately, Vardalos overdoes a lot of the comedy bits. Some are okay, but a lot of others are too much. Where she should be sensual and subtle, she is hammy and strident. There are a couple of painful parts that hit the wrong comic notes. In these scenes, she plays Genevieve as too over-the-top.
Vardalos wrote the script, so it’s perplexing that she misunderstood her own character so much. You would think that a scribe would know best how to portray his/her creation. Vardalos' interpretation of Genevieve is proof that this isn’t always the case. Fortunately, Vardalos does some things right: when Genevieve starts to drop her cheery façade which is basically a clever defense, she becomes more interesting. If Vardalos stumbles at portraying Genevieve’s humorous side, she acquits herself well by playing the character’s hidden vulnerability. The best scenes are of Genevieve being “real” with Greg on their five dates. These scenes have a genuine spirit of romance to them that virtually keep the movie from sinking into the mediocre swamp (** and below). Vardalos has a very expressive face that projects sadness and confusion well. When she just “relaxes”, she is amazing. If she would only have modulated her comic expressions, too, Genevieve would’ve come across better.
John Corbett wisely underplays in response to Vardalos’ overplaying. You could argue that he is essentially playing Ian from GREEK WEDDING (with shorter hair), but Ian was a pretty good character to begin with, so this isn’t necessarily a negative. Corbett also imbues Greg with more of an edgy stubbornness than Ian had. The best scene is his confrontation with Genevieve at a party where he basically sizes her up - and calls her on her fear of commitment. It is a strangely resonant scene that seems to belong to a stronger movie. Without Corbett to make up for Vardalos’ missteps, this movie would’ve definitely rated lower. And, once again, they have that potent chemistry to save them.
The supporting cast is filled with colorful faces. Stephen Guarino and Amir Arison are delightful as the gay couple who are Genevieve’s # 1 confidantes, while Rachel Dratch and Zoe Kazan are quirky and amusing as her “sisterhood”. As with the best second-string players, these folks provide spice without stealing the limelight from the leads. Guarino and Arison come close, though. But not intentionally. They’re just so cute and charming that it becomes inevitable.
Ultimately, I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY had potential that could’ve been realized by a more subtle and disciplined performance from Vardalos, as well as smoother staging of certain scenes. The fact that the film retains a certain sweet power despite these glaring flaws is testament to how great it could’ve been if executed properly: a romantic comedy that balances skepticism towards the holiday of Valentine’s - while maintaining respect for it.
