Many, many, many apologies for the tardiness in posting the October reviews. A looming deadline for a major writing project forced me to focus all my attention and efforts elsewhere. Then again, I warned you this would happen...
The October Horror Movie Reviews will post throughout the following weeks. But first, as promised, in anticipation of SKYFALL's release next month, we are continuing our James Bond 50th Anniversary Celebration. A month or so ago, we posted the TOP 10 BOND GIRLS list. Today, we post the TOP 5 BOND VILLAINS list. Due to time constraints and other writing projects competing for my attention, we've had to whittle our list down to the TOP FIVE Bond Baddies. But sometimes, less is more...
And now, without further ado, our TOP FIVE BOND VILLAINS, counting down to number 1:
5. Max Zorin
APPEARS IN: A VIEW TO A KILL (1985)
PLAYED BY: Christopher Walken
PROFESSION: Billionaire computer industries tycoon who really, really, REALLY hates Silicon Valley. I wonder how he feels about Bill Gates?
SIGNATURE QUIRK: Slicked-back platinum-blonde hair. Crazy bug-eyes. Tendency to cackle like a loon during the most unexpected and inappropriate times. Like during business meetings and casual conversations with new acquaintances like James Bond (Roger Moore). Needless to say, doesn't exactly give one the warm fuzzies. Those freakish mid-80's glasses don't exactly help either...
DASTARDLY EVIL PLOT: As I mentioned before, Zorin hates Silicon Valley the way most of us hate the idea of dental surgery. He plans to trigger a massive earthquake that will level the valley - by funnelling in saltwater from the Pacific Ocean into a major fault line. Why, you ask? Well, apparently having seen GOLDFINGER and also experiencing a premonition of THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Zorin wants to eliminate his competition and rule the computer chip industry. How's that for cornering the market? Fortunately, our boy Bond and his babe-du-jour, state geologist Stacey Sutton (Tanya Roberts), aren't exactly taking this whole thing lying down. That's later, after Zorin is foiled - when they'll decide to fuck their brains out in celebration. Partay!
WHY ZORIN MAKES THE CUT: The character of Max Zorin is a textbook case of a potentially stereotypical villain being elevated by the actor playing him. In this case, Christopher Walken infuses the role with his usual cool, quirky, offbeat, funny, and delightfully weird vibe. A VIEW TO A KILL is often maligned by critics and Bond fans for having a too-old Bond in the form of a 55-year old (at the time) Moore, a whiny Bond Girl in the form of Stacey Sutton, and a too-80's theme song (Duran Duran's title track), but the truth is it is a strong entry into the Bond franchise - primarily because of Walken's uniquely odd presence. He turns Max Zorin into an unpredictable and consistently interesting bad guy. Everytime he smiles, you can't help but smile yourself. The guy is a loon - but he's great.
BEST SCENE: Zorin and his henchwoman May Day (Grace Jones) meeting Bond for the first time in Paris. Not the most auspicious of introductions.
FATE: Dies. His blimp (not joking) explodes over the Golden Gate bridge. There goes that view...
TRIVIA: When Christopher Walken was cast as Max Zorin, he became the first Academy-Award Winning Actor to star in a Bond film. He won the award for THE DEER HUNTER in 1979.
4. Auric Goldfinger
APPEARS IN: GOLDFINGER (1964)
PLAYED BY: Gert Frobe
PROFESSION: Gold tycoon who loves gold. If you doubt me, listen to the lyrics of that fucking theme song by Shirley Bassey: "He loves GOLD! He loves ONLY GOLD!!! He loves GOLD!!! HE LOVES ONLY GOLD!!!!" Okay, Shirley - we got it. He has a boner for gold. Jeez.
SIGNATURE QUIRK: Constant squint that makes you suspect the ten-course meal he obviously just ate (Goldinger is quite fat) is giving him some serious tummy aches. Or maybe he just looks like a grumpy asshole all the time. Hard to tell.
DASTARDLY EVIL PLOT: Auric G. plans to detonate a nuclear bomb in the Fort Knox gold repository - thereby contaminating the U.S. gold reserves for, like, fucking forever. Thereby ensuring that only HIS gold bullions will be sold and traded. Yes, folks: our boy Max Zorin and gal Elektra King owe this fat fucker a debt of gratitude. Fortunately, our hero James Bond (Sean Connery), um, "seduces" Goldfinger's lesbian "Number 2." Her name is Pussy Galore - and as soon as Bond makes her cum like the Fourth of July, she basically turns into a Good Straight Girl and decides to help him stop her fat boss's evil plan. Riiiiiiiiight. Because that happens all the time in real life.
WHY GOLDFINGER MAKES THE CUT: Put simply, he's a mean fucker. The guy just looks like his underwear is twenty sizes too small, and considering he's as big as a house, that's a lot of squeezed blubber. Ouch. Seriously speaking, actor Gert Frobe gives the character a sinister, no-nonsense presence that makes him someone whose bad side you wouldn't want to wind up on. He just might sit on you. Once again: ouch.
BEST SCENE: One line: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!!!!" Gives me chills to this day. Nothing scarier than a creepy, fat man threatening your life.
FATE: Dies. In probably the biggest "Bullshit Scene" in cinematic history, the very tubby Goldfinger is sucked out through a broken plane window no bigger than a dinner plate - without causing massive damage to the aircraft. Who is he? Plastic Man? Like I said: riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
TRIVIA: Gert Frobe caught the attention of the Bond producers when he played a serial killer in a German Film called IT HAPPENED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. The role of Auric Goldfinger was basically his to lose. Like I said, the guy is not someone I would want to run into in a dark alley.
3. Franz Sanchez
APPEARS IN: LICENCE TO KILL (1989)
PLAYED BY: Robert Davi
PROFESSION: Cool-as-ice, ultra-powerful, but also unexpectedly tender drug dealer who seriously pisses off James Bond (Timothy Dalton) when he brutally attacks Bond's best friend, CIA honcho Felix Leiter (David Hedison). Next thing you know, Bond is infiltrating Sanchez's organization and using his crafty skills to destroy the cartel from within - with some valuable help from the ladies, of course. They are: Sanchez's girlfriend Lupe Lamora (Talisa Soto) and sole surviving informant Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell). Yup, it takes a team effort to bring down Franzie boy.
SIGNATURE QUIRKS: Acne scars that somehow look sexy and an iguana wearing a diamond necklace that is always perched on his shoulder. He wanted to use a white cat, but Blofeld already claimed that particular schtick. Oh, and he likes to whisper sweet nothings to Lupe - right before he whips her ass for fucking around on him. Kin-kay!
DASTARDLY EVIL PLOT: Well, none, really. Apart from his usual day job of flooding the world with drugs. Basically, it's Bond who has the dastardly evil plot in this flick. Which, basically, is the following: kill Sanchez for revenge. Watch out.
WHY SANCHEZ MAKES THE CUT: After years of Bond Villains who were bizarre and strange, LICENCE TO KILL finally gaves us a villain who was not only attractive, but also refresingly layered and complex. Paving the way for the somewhat similar Elektra King in 1999's THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Sanchez is someone who balances both human and evil sides. He is ruthless and deadly, but he is also someone who values loyalty above money, and Robert Davi infuses the role with a potent blend of charisma, menace, and genuine sexiness. In fact, he almost comes across as a "Dark Side" reflection of Bond. Great character played by a great actor.
BEST SCENE: Pretty much all of his scenes - but if we had to pick: his first meeting with Bond in his casino office.
TRIVIA: There were about eight actresses on the final list for the part of Lupe Lamora, Sanchez's girlfriend. Robert Davi chose Talisa Soto because he said that of the the eight contenders, she was the one he would kill for. Based on this, Soto was cast as Lupe.
2. Ernst Stavro Blofeld
PLAYED BY: Donald Pleasence
APPEARS IN: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)
PROFESSION: Head of SPECTRE, which is like the UN and NATO of evil-doing. Sounds like a fun organization. Where do I sign up?
SIGNATURE QUIRK: Bald head with a scarred face. And always carries a fluffy white pussy. Cat, that is. Care to guess where Dr. Evil from the AUSTIN POWERS movies owes his provenance? Stop guessing.
DASTARDLY EVIL PLOT: Taking over the world by inciting nuclear annihilation. Which, frankly, is kind of stupid, right? Whatever.
WHY HE MAKES THE CUT: Put simply, Blofeld is the quintessential Bond Villain. So much so that he has been spoofed in everything from the AUSTIN POWERS flicks to everything out there that lampoons the Bond franchise. Just like Auric Goldfinger, he is one vicious and unpleasant mo-fonic oddball - and Donald Pleasence amps up his Scary Factor in every scene. He may not be the most attractive Bond Villain, but he sure is one of the creepiest.
BEST SCENE: Again, when he first encounters Bond. What is it about these introductions that grabs my balls so hard? Let's just say that if I saw Blofeld's mug peer at me from the other side of an easy chair, I would splatter my underoos.
FATE: Survives - at least until FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, when he finally gets his pasty ass spanked - but good.
TRIVIA: Blofeld was played by TELLY SAVALAS in ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969).
And, now, our NUMBER 1 BOND VILLAIN OF ALL TIME:
1. Elektra Vavra King
APPEARS IN: THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH (1999)
PLAYED BY: Sophie Marceau
PROFESSION: Powerful, seductive, intelligent half-British/half-Azerbaijani heiress to a vast oil empire. Also, she is a former kidnapping victim who actually mananged to escape from her captor, the feared terrorist Renard (Robert Carlyle). Now, years later, it appears Renard is targeting her family again after her billionaire father, Sir Robert King, is killed in an explosion. But who is the real baddie here? Ahem?
SIGNATURE QUIRK: Her drop-dead beauty and ability to charm and seduce anyone she meets over to the Dark Side. Oh, and she has got an AMAZING wardrobe. I would fucking kill for that purple lace bodice and skirt she wears at the end. In fact, that should be my Halloween costume at the party we're throwing. I gotz the legz, bitchez. Go ahead and hate...
DASTARDLY EVIL PLOT: Having seen GOLDFINGER and A VIEW TO A KILL, Elektra decides she will improve upon past Bond Baddies' plans and nuke three competing Russian oil pipelines - so that her pipeline will be the only functioning oil provider in the World. Which means that she will be... Queen Bitch Of the Universe. Like I said: that's my girl. Sadly, James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) and his babe du-jour, Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards), feel they must intervene and stop all of Elekra's shenanigans. Fucking party poopers...
WHY ELEKTRA IS # 1: Improving upon the complex and layered Franz Sanchez of LICENCE TO KILL, Elektra is a character who not only balances human and evil sides, but does the rare job of almost stealing sympathies away from Bond. While what Elektra is planning is clearly and morally wrong, Marceau plays her with such crafty feline seductiveness and unexpected humanity, that you can't help but root for her somehow. Not only is Elektra the franchise's first female Chief Villain, but she is also the Best Villain - and it is equally to do with how she was written and how the endlessly talented Marceau portrays her.
BEST SCENE: Any scene she is in. But if we had to choose, it would be her final confrontation with Bond.
TRIVIA: Elektra Vavra King was patterned after Tracy Di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg) from ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969) - the only woman Bond fell in love with and married. Except Elektra ultimately turned out to be evil. Also, Sharon Stone was initially eyed for the role of Elektra but director Michael Apted fought hard for Sophie Marceau to be cast. Apted was adamant that Elektra be played by just the right actress - one who can fool both the Bond and the audience, and who could play all of her various layers convincingly - and one who could keep audience interest and sympathy even after it is revealed that she is the evil mastermind behind the plot and not Renard. Sharon Stone, while talented in her own right, would have tipped Elektra's villainy way too early because of how strongly she is associated with a somewhat similar character: Catherine Trammell, the bisexual novelist killer from BASIC INSTINCT. However, just as Stone ran with her role in BASIC INSTINCT and made it iconic, so too does Marceau take the part of Elektra and make her one of the most atypical, unique, and memorable figures in the Bond Franchise. Go, girl.
FATE: Sadly, dies. Shot by Bond. Sigh...
TRIVIA: Bruce Fierstein, one of the screenwriters of THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, reportedly wanted a different ending. In the current version of the film, Bond kills Elektra in the tower, then dives into the Bosphorus and fights his way onto the submarine to rescue Christmas and stop Renard. Bond and Christmas foil Renards plans, kill Renard, and enjoy a romantic clinch in Istanbul to celebrate.
Fierstein's unrealized vision, however, would've been a more provocative finale: Elektra doesn't die, but is instead knocked out by Bond before he goes to save Christmas. Later, Bond and Christmas part platonically (no romantic encounter, which makes more sense considering their working relationship), and Bond goes to visit Elektra who is now in an asylum - much like Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) visited his nemesis Magneto (Ian McKellen) at the end of X-MEN. This version would've reportedly ended with Elektra already working her charm on the asylum's staff, much like she did with Bond and Renard: implying that there's really no stopping her or keeping her locked up.
Although, I really like Elektra's death scene in the movie because of how ruthless Bond is ("I never miss!"), I would've preferred to have seen Fierstein's ending. It would've been consistent with THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH'S more serious and romantic tone. Also, Scott Walker's "Only Myself To Blame" from the soundtrack would've been adequately used over the final credits, instead of being axed for being too somber for the movie's now upbeat ending. The song is still available on THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH's music CD, and can be heard below. In the film's end credits, it was replaced by a remix of the Bond theme. Had THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH been filmed with this ending where Elekra lives, it would've been my # 1 Bond Movie, instead of # 3. Still, it is an atypical Bond adventure with the distinction of giving us the Best Bond Villain of all time: Elektra Vavra King.
And, from THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH's soundtrack, Scott Walker's "Only Myself To Blame", which was originally supposed to be played over the film's end credits. However, because of the upbeat and racy ending, it was deemed too somber and serious and was replaced by a more "fun" track. Had Bruce Fierstein's intriguing proposed ending (the one where Elektra survives and is visited by Bond in the asylum) been used, "Only Myself To Blame" would've been perfect for the end credits. Oh, well...
Scott Walker's "Only Myself To Blame" from the CD Soundtrack of THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH:
