IRON MAN 3 (2013 - SUPERHERO / ACTION) **** out of *****
(Hail to the D!)
CAST: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Rebecca Hall, Stephanie Szostak, James Badge Dale, Ty Simpkins.
DIRECTORS: Shane Black
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to date a rich, sexy, douchebag - straight ahead....
IT'S LIKE THIS: Remember those utterly stupid douche commercials that scream "Hail To The V!!!" which imply that the greatest battles in history were started by men who just wanted some unattainable pussy? Well, we should start a campaign called "Hail To The D!!!". Or to be more explicit: "Hail To The Douche!"
Before you start thinking that our campaign will extol the virtues of douching, allow me to disappoint you. We don't mean a literal "douche." When we say "douche", we mean it figuratively. You know - that swaggering kind who walks into a room on two legs and wows everyone with his potent brand of sexy, douchebag charisma. You know you've known a few in your time, and have felt the inexorable pull of their "sexy asshole" vibe. Don't deny it. While my #1 absolute dream guy, in the end, will always be a nice, sexy, goofy dork, I have to admit that sometimes the sight of Robert Downey Jr. doing his best "Alluring Douchemeister" routine turns my knees (and nuts) into Jell-O.
And if there was ever a film series that best showcased Robby DJ's particular brand of "I'm Too Sexy For Any Of Your Fuckers" charm, it is the IRON MAN flicks. We first met Robert Downey Jr. playing Sexy Douchelord Tony Stark in IRON MAN 1, where he basically went from Sexy Douche to Sexy Douche In A Suit Of Shining Armor and saved the world. Then in IRON MAN 2, he basically spent two more hours swaggering around and making a good case for finding the first unshaven guy you see and handcuffing him to his bed - and subsequently harvesting his sperm for the next, oh, two-to-three years.
And now, we have IRON MAN 3, where Tony Stark takes his Sexy Douche charisma to the next level - by becoming all vulnerable and shit. And, sorry, but I will always be a sucker for a hot, sexy, assholish guy who shows me that can still lose confidence once in awhile. So adorable.
Anyhow, our third chapter in the IRON MAN chronicles kicks off on Millenium Eve in Bern, Switzerland. We know it is 1999-going-on-2000 because of one major clue: Eifel's uber-peppy ditty "Blue" is blaring on the soundtrack. And if there is a song out there that effortlessly captures the late 90's and gets your head boppin', it's "Blue." Anyhow, we zero in on one particular party, where we catch a glimpse of Tony Stark in his "Young Douchebag" days. He's already every bit the charming jerk, and manages to sweet talk hot scientist Dr. Maya Hanson (Rebecca Hall) into going up to his suite so he can, you know, hear more about her research. Sweetie, the only research Tony is going to do is explore your V. Hail! Not.
Dr. Barbie (AKA Maya) isn't the only major character we are introduced to in this early "Millenium" sequence. We also meet Dr. Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce). Now, folks, let me just say that while it is indeed the hunky Guy Pearce who is playing Dr. Killian, you wouldn't know it from the godawful hair and buck teeth that he is sporting. Yes, folks, you just know that with Guy P. playing this character, Killian's not going to stay "homely" for long. And yes, folks... it means exactly what you think: there is a makeover in this guy's future. Because the villains in superhero movies have to be hotties. It's a golden rule.
Sure enough, 13 years later, who should turn up at Stark Industries, lookin' all tan and buff and shit, but Dr. Killian himself. Apparently, he discovered the art of orthodontia and hairstylists and tanning beds - and is now someone you wouldn't think twice about fucking. He's so hot that he has former flame Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) rethinking her commitment to Tony - and contemplating removing his pants with her teeth. Well, we're not exactly 100% sure if she wants to take his pants off with his teeth, but that dazed look on her face when Killian walks away from her pretty much says it all. I recognize it, because I get that look to when I seriously contemplating fucking the shit out of someone. Ahem.
At any rate, things get dicey when some formidable baddie named The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) seizes control of the TV networks and airs sinister terror warnings. Presumably because it's more entertaining than the shit that you see on the networks these days. To make things even more dicey, Tony declares war on The Mandarin and dares him to come visit his palace in Malibu to duke it out. Imagine Tony and Pepper's surprise when The Mandarin actually accepts and sends his goons to blow the place up. What the fuck were they expecting? A nice chat over tea and biscuits?
Before you know it, Tony has to go on the run and find a way to put a stop to The Mandarin. But how can he fight an opponent that seems to be everywhere and five steps ahead of him all the time? And what about Pepper? How can Tony keep her safe? And what happens when Maya (AKA Dr. Barbie) shows up again after all these years? What is her agenda? Or is she just another innocent caught up in the maelstrom? And what role does Aldrich "Kiss My Sexy Ass" Killian have in all of this? And what is The Mandarin's true nature? Who is the real baddie here?
Who cares. I just want to know who was in charge of Killian's makeover. Talk about a serious180.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Someone once asked me what the difference is between a solidly good movie (***1/2) and a very good one (****). My answer was pretty simple: "A **** movie is basically a ***1/2 movie - but with more 'ooomph'." In other words, a very good movie is a good movie that brings more to the table. That added element can be more humor, more action, more emotion, or more spectacle - but in the end, it makes a deeper, bigger impact on the audience.
Such is the case of IRON MAN 3. It already has the bones and framework of a good movie - but the extra touches of humor, humanity, and visceral thrills elevate it to the next level. While the IRON MAN films have been known for their more laconic, offbeat feel (compared to the intensity and grit of the DARK KNIGHT films, or the emotion and pathos of THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN), this third film has an even more laid-back, quirky feel to it. Director Shane Black penned the LETHAL WEAPON films and directed KISS KISS BANG BANG, films that combined acid humor with fast action - and he brings the same vibe to IRON MAN 3: a trademark combo of snarky humor and solid thrills.
The plot follows the templates of IRON MAN 1 & 2, and virtually every other superhero film out there: a fearsome baddie rears his head, threatens the World, and the hero must defeat him/her with the help of allies (some of whom turn out to be baddies themselves). However, Black and his cast of vibrant performers take the template and run far with it. By now, Robert Downey Jr. has perfected playing Tony Stark, showing all the colors to this dynamic guy: the reckless, confident genius; the courageous humanitarian; and the vulnerable guy behind the bravado. And in IRON MAN 3, he takes this aspects to a more vivid level. Quite simply, he's terrific.
Don Cheadle is great support as Stark's best friend, Colonel James Rhodes. Stark and Rhodes have a brotherly chemistry that Downey and Cheadle bring to life effortlessly. As The Mandarin, Ben Kingsley turns in an interestingly nuanced performance. Many hardcore IRON MAN fans were disappointed, even outraged, with how Black and his team tacked this character and tweaked the mythos. Personally, I think it was a brave and atypical choice - and helps set IRON MAN 3 apart from not only the other two films in the series, but also other superhero films. In any case, Kingsley does the role justice and is quite memorable.
As for the other main villain, Guy Pearce is riveting as Dr. Aldrich Killian. Pearce puts his own spin on that thriller archetype: The Smoothly Seductive Villain. Pearce makes Killian's transformation from nerdy outcast to cool, confident mastermind a very engaging one. The true test to Killian's charisma is how believably he can throw Pepper off her track by his presence and charisma - and Pearce pulls this off flawlessly. So much so that we feel the same disorientation that Pepper feels when she meets him again. Pearce also brings Killian's vicious side to the fore in a very visceral way - reminding us of the danger and menace beneath the sleek, handsome exterior.
As for Pepper, Gwyneth Paltrow now wears the role like a second skin, just like Downey with Tony - and delivers a solid turn. Pepper even manages to get in on the action at the end. While she has always been involved in the plot since the first film, it's nice to see Pepper play a pivotal role in the climax in the most unexpected of ways. It's also something of poetic justice, when you think about it. You'll see.
The other main female role is Dr. Maya Hanson, the brilliant scientist whose scientific research and discovery fuels the plot. Maya is an interesting, conflicted character who, unfortunately, gets somewhat short-changed by the script. I would've loved for her role to have been expanded into the third act. There's a perfunctory feel to how her character exits the action so abruptly. It would've been interesting to have further developed the triangle between Pepper, Tony, and Maya - and might have lent even more emotional impact to the third act. Nevertheless, the talented Rebecca Hall manages to make the most of her limited screen time, providing nuance and dimension to a role that could've (and should've) been bigger. Hall is especially good in a quiet heart-to-heart moment with Paltrow as Pepper in a motel room, before all the action starts.
Ultimately, IRON MAN 3 is a very good entry into the trilogy that sets itself apart from the first two films by the sardonic bite and surprisingly thoughtful tone that director Shane Black gives it. And, of coure, that stellar cast headed by Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow also deserve credit.
And as a bonus, the music from IRON MAN 3 opening scene, Eifel's awesome hit "Blue"...
