Let's face it, folks: all Gialli are cheesy. Not surprising, since they are Italian flicks. Even the very best of them (the CLASSIC GIALLI and HONORABLE MENION GIALLI sections of our sampler) have a strong Parmesan flavor. Then there's the mid-range Gialli (the vast majority in the middle) that have varying levels of cheesiness, some more so than others.
And then we have the Gialli that go beyond Formaggio Territory - and are genuinely bizarre. These are the films that are far too mediocre to be considered classics or honorable mentions, but are also too weird to be considered middle-of-the-road. This isn't to say that they are all bad (although some truly are) - but they are definitely not going to be hanging out anytime soon with the likes of THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE, DEEP RED, or BLOOD & BLACK LACE.
Bottom line: the movies in this section of our sampler will undoubtedly have you say the following at least three times during their running time: What. The. Fuck?
As with our other sections from this Sampler, the WTF? GIALLI below are listed chronologically:
#1. PERCHE QUELLE STRANE GOCCE DI SANGUE SUL CORPO DI JENNIFER? (1972)
ENGLISH TITLE: THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS
CAST: Edwige Fenech, Giampiero Albertini, George Hilton, Annabella Incontrera, Paola Quattrini, Franco Agostini, Carla Brait, Gianni Pulone, Oreste Lionello.
DIRECTOR: Giuliano Carnimeo
IT'S LIKE THIS: Just to give you folks an idea of how cheesy and bizarre this flick is, the actual English translation of the original Italian title is not THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS. It is actually: WHAT ARE THOSE STRANGE DROPS OF BLOOD DOING ON JENNIFER'S BODY? Guys, can you imagine asking some girl out on a date and telling her you're going to take her to see a movie with that title? Let's see if you can even make it to first base. No wonder the foreign distributors changed the English title to something that sounds like a fucked-up Sherlock Holmes episode.
Actually, on paper, the synopsis of THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS sounds pretty normal: Jennifer Lansbury & Marilyn Ricci (Edwige Fenech and Paola Quattrini), fashion model buddies, move into a flat in a luxury highrise after the previous tenant is brutally murdered - and soon find themselves the target of the resident killer. Hell, that's pretty much the story of SLIVER, (an American Gialli discussed in the next sampler section) - only without the video cameras and Billy Baldwin's luscious buttocks. Unfortunately, the way this flick actually plays out is most definitely not like SLIVER. More like Jerry Springer, Italian-style….
You see, despite its last-minute reshoots (which changed the story, the ending, and the killer's identity - and therefore compromised the film), SLIVER is an atmospheric, reasonably involving thriller (until that mediocre new ending that plays it safe). THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS, on the other hand, is about as suspenseful as chopping mustard greens. Then there's the truly mondo weirdo characters. Jennifer Lansbury is relatively normal - but has got to be one of the most clueless heroines in Gialli. Edwige Fenech is lovely, but she doesn't have much to play with in the role. And then there's Marilyn Ricci - who Paola Quattrini turns into a seriously obnoxious head case. There's a hilarious scene where another character just finally loses it and straight-up punches her in the face. I think we cheered. Even more so when our resident killer finally jumps her (in a crowded piazza, no less) and does the entire world (and audience) a favor by turning her into fish food.
Then there's the identity of the killer and his (her?) motive - which, if used in a movie today, would seriously piss off the entire LGBT commmunity and anyone who supports Civil Rights.
MOST "WTF?" SCENE: Oh, there's plenty. But the clear winner is the scene where three building residents discover a bloody murder victim in the hallway - but stand there, totally unconcerned, like they just found someone's umbrella: "Hmmmm... that's odd." WTF?
SAVING GRACE: There's a scene at the beginning of the film, where a woman gets into a very crowded elevator. As the elevator rises through the building, the elevator gradually empties out - until only the killer and the woman are left in it. Then the inevitable happens. This scene is Hitchcockian and Argento-esque in its execution, starting from a point of safety - then gradually morphing into a dangerous situation. It's the only suspenseful part of this movie. Unfortunately, the quality of the film goes downhill sharply after this - and there are virtually no other setpieces to match this promising opening sequence.
TRIVIA: Edwige Fenech is sort of a "Giallo Queen" - having also starred in other such Gialli as FIVE DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON (1970), ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK (1972), and YOUR VICE IS A LOCKED ROOM AND ONLY I HAVE THE KEY (1972). Look, I didn't pick these titles, okay?
# 2. LA DAMA ROSSA UCCIDE SETTE VOLTE (1972)
ENGLISH TITLE: THE RED QUEEN KILLS SEVEN TIMES
CAST: Barbara Bouchet, Udo Pagliai, Marina Malfatti, Marino Mase, Pia Giancaro, Sybil Danning, Rudolf Schundler, Maria Antoinetta Guido, Fabrizio Moresco.
DIRECTOR: Emilio Miraglia
IT'S LIKE THIS: A friend of mine likes to call this movie "The Italian Scooby-Doo Episode." And that is a very apt description. THE RED QUEEN KILLS SEVEN TIMES has a goofy, cartoony feel and entire sequences that play out like part of someone's hilarious acid trip. Oh, and unlike most Gialli that feature killers wearing fedoras, trenchcoats, and black gloves, this flick features a killer wearing a white mask, red flowing cape, and, uh, black gloves. I guess the black gloves are non-negotiables for killers in Gialli, eh?
Anyhow, the craziness gets started in a prologue wherein we learn that the Wildenbrueck family has a curse wherein, every 100 years, "The Red Queen" rises from the dead and kills seven people - the last one being a female Wildenbrueck. Or something. The legend apparently got started centuries ago when an evil sister killed a good sister - and the good sister came back from the dead and killed seven people, the last one being her evil sister. Or something.
At any rate, cut to present-day Germany (which would make it, oh, 1972), where we find luscious dish Kitty Wildenbrueck (Barbara Bouchet) is quite a state. You see, she runs some sort of fashion house and times are very busy indeed. Unfortunately, she also is stressing over her crazy sister, Eva (Maria Antonietta Guido), whom she just, you know, accidentally killed a couple of years ago. Kitty's loyal cousin Fransizka (Marina Malfatti) helped her cover it up - but then a crazy banshee in a white mask, red cape, and black gloves begins knocking off all of Kitty's friends and associates. Is Eva still alive and back to get her sister? Or is it The Red Queen, back from the dead to fulfill a curse. Is it someone else at the fashion house? Or is it... Shaggy and Scooby-Doo gone rogue?
MOST BIZARRE SCENE: Oh, there's a bunch to pick from. But the winner, hands-down, is the scene where Eva's equally crazy boyfriend Peter (Fabrizio Moresco) does something, um, very, very, VERY bad to Kitty in one scene - and then the next time they see each other, she acts like absolutely nothing happened. Altogether now: WTF?
SAVING GRACE: A nicely-executed suspense setpiece involving a would-be victim, the killer, and a runaway van. And, also, the killer's "look" - which is creepy, scary, and stylish at the same time.
TRIVIA: This films appears to have inspired the look of the killer from the underrated 1983 Canadian slasher film, CURTAINS: a female mask with long flowing hair, black bodysuit, and black gloves. Also, the scene in CURTAINS wherein Christy (Lesleh Donaldson) spots the killer skating towards her on the frozen pond is almost an homage to the scene in this movie wherein the killer runs towards Kitty's bed from a long distance away - getting larger and larger and more menacing as she approaches.
#3. LISA E IL DIAVOLO (1974)
ENGLISH TITLE: LISA AND THE DEVIL
CAST: Telly Savalas, Elke Sommer, Alessio Orano, Sylvia Koscina, Alida Valli, Gabriele Tinti, Eduardo Fajardo, Kathy Leone.
DIRECTOR: Mario Bava, Alfredo Leone
IT'S LIKE THIS: German tourist Lisa Reiner (Elke Sommer) is with a tour group in some ancient Spanish city - and finds herself transfixed by a mosaic that shows the Devil looking a lot like... Telly Savalas. Understandably WTFed out of her gourd by this wacky sight, Lisa wanders to a gift shop where she discovers some weirdo named Leandro trying to buy clothes for his dummy. Oh, and Leandro also looks a hell of a lot like Telly Savalas, too. And, just like that, Lisa is double-WTFed out of her gourd. So much so that, she wanders off into a deserted town square where Leandro's dummy comes to life and tries to get freaky with her.
Understandably upset, Lisa flees and tries to find her tour group, which has wisely moved on to Barcelona or something. Eventually, our whacked-out heroine hails a passing car and begs its passengers to give her a lift to somewhere, anywhere, but this stupid ancient city with mosaics with Telly Savalas' face on them, and dummies who try to stick their tongues down German tourists' throats. Happily, the folks agree. They are: (1) Francis Lehar (Eduardo Fajardo), constipated aristocrat; (2) Sophia Lehar (Sylvia Koscina), Francis' understandably sexually-frustrated wife; and (3) George (Gabriele Tinti), the Lehars' chaueffeur is more-than-happy to help Sophia with her sexual frustration problem. Nice crowd you picked to hitch with, Lisa.
Anyhow, Lisa, the Lehars, and George eventually reach a country estate where their car promptly breaks down. They seek shelter in the imposing abode - and discover that it's filled with people even more bizarre than they are: (1) Max (Alessio Orano), some girly-looking dude who acts like he has known Lisa all his life - and looks about as feminine as she does; (2) the Countess (Alida Valli), Max's hopelessly batty mother; and - last, but probably the weirdest: (3) Leandro the Butler, whom, if you recall, was the weirdo in town with the dummy who freaked Lisa out - and, yes, he still looks like Telly Savalas. And then people start dying....
Let me just say that, at this point, the movie goes officially over the edge and become something so fucking strange, you will think someone slipped some exxxtacy into your Heineken. Good luck.
MOST BIZARRE SCENE: Oh, dear Lord, there are dozens... In fact, I'm not sure where one bizarre scene ends, and the next one begins. It's like a 90-minute long video. But if you were to put a Beretta to my head and yell, "Choose, bitch!" - I would have to pick the scene where, um, Max and Lisa get to know each other in a very fucked-up way. Ick.
TRIVIA: Wisely recognizing that this movie would never play in American theatres without people walking out or falling asleep or saying "WTF?" so many times they would drown out the dialogue, the production company decided to shoot a large number of new scenes for the North American release that changed the movie from a supremely weird Supernatural Giallo to a rote Demonic Possession movie. That version is called THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM and was released in the U.S. and Canada. We have only seen a part of it, but were not impressed by what we saw. Compared to the LISA & THE DEVIL version, THE HOUSE OF EXORCISM was pretty humdrum and normal. At least the original Italian version is entertaining in a bat-shit, "what-will-they-do-next?" kind of way.
#4. LA CASA CON LA SCALA NEL BUIO (1983)
ENGLISH TITLE: A BLADE IN THE DARK
CAST: Andrea Occhipinti, Anny Papa, Fabiola Toledo, Michele Soavi, Valeria Cavalli, Stanko Molnar, Lara Lamberti.
DIRECTOR: Lamberto Bava
IT'S LIKE THIS: Oh, what wonders Dario Argento could have done with this movie... The central premise is great: Bruno (Andrea Occhipinti), a film music composer, moves into an isolated villa in Tuscany to work on the score for an upcoming horror movie - only to find himself menaced by a killer and drawn into the mystery of what happened to the villa's mysterious former tenant. Unfortunately, Argento didn't helm this film and as we discussed in our review of the excellent Argento film PHENOMENA in our SUPERNATURAL GIALLO section, execution is everything. And BLADE IN THE DARK is poorly executed.
Director Lamberto Bava comes from Italian cinema royalty, his father being maestro Mario Bava. Bava Sr. directed such Giallo classics as THE GIRL WHO KNEW TOO MUCH and BLOOD & BLACK LACE, and basically pioneered the Giallo template before Argento cemented it and brought it to the attention of the rest of the World. Bava Jr., on the other hand, is most well-known for DEMONS (1985) and DEMONS 2 (1987), which are entertaining but a definite cut below the standards and style of his father and Argento - two Giallo Masters. In BLADE IN THE DARK, Lamberto Bava is so intent on copying them (especially Argento's TENEBRE from the year before), that the whole thing feels stale and false. What should've been a near-classic thriller (perhaps even more) ends up becoming an exercise in tedium and gore.
With Mario Bava and Dario Argento's films, the violence was easy to take because it was presented in such an artful and almost classy way that made it feel less brutal and more avant-garde. Here, it is merely ugly and nasty. The "suspense" setpieces and chase scenes are weakly-staged and almost laughable. They are, quite simply, without flair or energy. Too bad, because there are some promising ideas here that could've generated some real tension and fear. Ultimately, these opportunities are fumbled and BLADE IN THE DARK ends up falling far below the high standards set by Mario Bava and Dario Argento.
MOST BIZARRE SCENE: The flashback to the childhood incident that created the killer's trauma: hilarious and fucked-up in equal measure. Then there's the final revelation of who the killer actually is - trust me, you will laugh.
SAVING GRACE: Well, not really a saving grace, but at least it generates what little suspense this flick has: the hide-and-seek chase scene between Julia (Lara Lamberti) and the killer at the very end. Unfortunately, it's over before you know it. In more ways than one.
TRIVIA: Male lead Andrea Occhipinti would star a year later with Bo Derek in the widely-panned erotic flick, BOLERO. And Valeria Cavalli would go on to star in Dario Argento's LA TERZA MADRE/MOTHER OF TEARS in 2006.
#5. TRAUMA (1993)
ENGLISH TITLE: TRAUMA
CAST: Asia Argento, Christopher Rydell, Piper Laurie, Frederic Forrest, Laura Johnson, Brad Dourif, Jacqueline Kim.
DIRECTOR: Dario Argento
IT'S LIKE THIS: Well, folks, it appears that our man Dario Argento only did three things in his life: (1) eat pasta; (2) sire Asia Argento, and (3) direct Gialli. Regarding # 3, the guy has pretty much been at it since 1970, when his first Giallo (the classic THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE) was released. And he's still going at it. Given the large number of films he's made, it's inevitable that some of them would miss the mark, despite his talent. One of those misfires is the unfortunate TRAUMA, which could have been a classic Argento Giallo, but because of its incongruous American setting (and other factors), ends up being a mild "WTF?" experience.
TRAUMA revolves around Romanian bulimic teenager, Aura Petrescu (Asia Argento), who lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I think it's safe to say that TRAUMA is probably the only Giallo set in Minneapolis. Anyhow, Aura's parents are Stefan and Adriana Petrescu (Dominique Serrand & Piper Laurie), two psychic mediums who routinely have seances in their home. One particular session goes very bad when Adriana unexpectedly connects with the spirit of the latest victim of The Headhunter - a killer who has been terrorizing the Minneapolis area lately. And let's just say he's not called The Headhunter because of his skill in finding and placing talented business executives. Things get even more freaky when the spirit tells Adriana that the killer is "present!" - like some sort of particularly fucked-up roll call from beyond the grave. Before you know it, Adriana freaks out and books it out of there with Stefan in pursuit. Unfortunately, who should show up himself but The Headhunter who promptly, um, hunts their heads. And just like that, Aura is an orphan. But, apparently, a very feisty and spunky one. Aura teams up with David (Christopher Rydell), the television news sketch artist whose wallet she stole (don't ask) - and they team up to find out who The Headhunter is - and why he is, um, hunting heads.
Now, you're probably reading all of that and thinking, "Well, that's not bad..." I agree - it isn't. The problem is the story's location. If Argento had set TRAUMA in Italy and filled it with Italian actors and actresses, the movie might actually be almost as good as most of his other films. Unfortunately, he sets it in the Minneapolis area, which might as well be the Heart of America and three universes away from Bella Italia. Consequently, his baroque, operatic European style clashes very much with the down-to-Earth American environment. The result is a stilted feel to the proceedings which is awkward and off-putting. Too bad, because with its intriguing premise and ultimate resolution, TRAUMA might have been DEEP RED for a new generation - as Argento had hoped during pre-production.
Fortunately, the failure of TRAUMA not only in the U.S., but also in Italy, taught Argento where his real strengths lie: back home in Bella Italia.
MOST BIZARRE SCENE: Hands down, the scene where a severed head tries to whisper a clue to David. You read that right. Here we go again: W. T. F?
TRIVIA: James Spader, John Cusack, and Tim Roth were supposedly considered for the male lead role of David. Also, Bridget Fonda was initially supposed to play the role of Aura's rival Grace Harrington (Laura Johnson), but dropped out. Fonda also dropped out of Argento's next project, THE STENDHAL SYNDROME - which was initially supposed to be set in Phoenix, Arizona, but then the production moved to Florence, Italy when Fonda left it.
Please expect our final section of our GIALLI SAMPLER to post next week: AMERICAN GIALLI. These are the American thrillers and horror films that were strongly influenced by the Italian Gialli – and there’s more of them than you realize….
Have a wonderful week, folks…
