# 203 - THE TOWERING INFERNO (1974)

THE TOWERING INFERNO (1974 - THRILLER / DISASTER / PARTY FLICK) *** out of *****

(I guess this is how that song “Disco Inferno” got kick-started…)




CAST: Paul Newman, Steve McQueen, William Holden, Faye Dunaway, Richard Chamberlain, Susan Blakely, Fred Astaire, Jennifer Jones, O.J. Simpson, Robert Vaughn, Robert Wagner, Susan Flannery.

DIRECTOR: John Guillermin

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and lots and lots of hot, sizzling stuff straight ahead - and not just Paul Newman, Steve McQueen, Faye Dunaway, Susan Blakely, Robert Vaughn, Richard Chamberlain, and Susan Flannery.





In our recent review for PROM NIGHT (review # 198), I shared the lovely story of my own prom - which started out shitty when I showed up right on time, only to discover that I was the only one paying attention to the printed start time on the invitation. Things got considerably better, though, when the rest of my friends and classmates started to filter in, and I realized that I would be giving Joan Rivers a run for her money when it came to the Fashion Commentary department. Oh, the big hair and the poufy late-80’s attire and peach-fuzzes on both genders! My eyes! MY EYES!

The only thing that would’ve made that evening even more of a bust is if the hotel we were having the prom at suddenly caught fire. With all of us stuck on the rooftop restaurant like trapped mice waiting for an advancing flaming cat, it would’ve been awesome to watch my friends and classmates wig out and smack each other around in desperation. It would’ve been even more awesome if the hot (pun intended) firemen from the local American air force base nearby would’ve been deployed to save us. Guess who’s going to fake a fainting spell that will require mouth-to-mouth? Pucker up, buttercup.

Anyway, these are the things the characters of our latest review have to worry about. Our latest flick is the 70’s cheeze-fest THE TOWERING INFERNO, which is about a bunch of rich and important mucky-mucks partying in the rooftop club of a newly-opened San Francisco highrise called The Glass Tower. The building is 133 floors high, and if you’re thinking, “Sarcasto, surely you don’t mean the fucking thing catches fire and traps the rich bastards on top of the building?” well, all I can say is with sharp intuition like that you need to join the cast of THE MENTALIST, buddy.

So, yes… the 133-storey Glass Tower catches fire because of all the cost-cutting done during its construction. This scrimping leads to a wire in an 81st floor storage room going all “Happy New Year” and, next thing you know, all the linen and shit is ablaze. So far, you’re probably going “Well, Sarcasto, what’s the big fucking deal here? I’m sure they have sprinklers everywhere, even if this is the 70’s.”

I hear you, pal, but for some reason the sprinklers aren’t working. Seriously. So, before you know it, the fire is racing upward and threatening to devour a whole shitload of people wearing funny clothes and even funnier hair. And, like clockwork, a battalion of sexy-as-fuck firemen led by Chief O’Halloran (Steve McQueen) head on down to the Glass Tower to help out the flames and rescue the dumbass party guests on top of it.

The list of folks wearing 70’s party gear who may or may not get roasted alive include: (1) Doug Roberts (Paul Newman), handsome architect of the Glass Tower who is shocked - shocked, I tell you! - that his wiring specifications were not followed to the T; (2) Jim Duncan (William Holden), millionaire industrialist who owns the Glass Tower and may know a thing or two about that wiring specification change; (3) Susan Forgetting-Her-Last-Name-Now (Faye Dunaway), Doug’s bombshell girlfriend who is also a magazine editor and, apparently, a sex addict (I shall explain); (4) Roger Simmons (Richard Chamberlain), smarmy contractor who just might be behind the wiring specification change that is pissing off Doug; (5) Patty Simmons (Susan Blakely), Roger’s bombshell wife and Jim’s daughter who looks ready to divorce Roger’s ass at any minute; (6) Lisolette (Jennifer Jones), sweet-natured widow who must use a vat of hairspray to keep that ‘do standing up; (7) Harlee Claiborne (Fred Astaire), elderly con man looking to bilk Lisolette out of her life savings; (8) Senator Parker (Robert Vaughn), sleazy senator you just can’t wait to see plummet to his death; (9) Mayor Ramsay (Jack Collins), San Francisco mayor who’s starting to realize there’s a downside to getting invited to all these gala events; (10) Paula Ramsay (Sheila Allen), the mayor’s wife who now probably wishes she let him go stag to the event, and who must use two vats of hairspray to keep that ‘do from keeling right over; (11) Bigelow (Robert Wagner), pretty boy head of publicity for the Glass Tower who is also schtupping his secretary; and, last but probably one of the prettiest: (12) Lorrie (Susan Flannery), the secretary whom Bigelow is schtupping.

But before the party gets started, the movie jumps from location to location to acquaint us with these specimens of “soon-to-be-dead-meats.” I won’t waste any time describing all of them, but would like to discuss one in particular: our introduction to Susan. I told you I’d explain why I think she’s a sex addict. So, anyway… Doug shows up in his office on the Glass Tower’s 79th floor to find Susan waiting for him at his desk. Apparently, Susan is on her lunch break from the magazine she runs - and has popped over to Doug’s office to get, uh, popped.

Before you know it, Susan has pushed open a secret panel in the back wall to reveal… an ultra-luxurious fuck pad complete with Triple King-sized bed, bay window, deep shag carpet, and champagne. She basically yanks Doug into that little Den of Pleasures, all the while cooing: “Just remember that putting this in was my idea!” Thanks, Sue. We’ll make sure that all references to the Nympho Who Invented The Hidden Fuck Pad will be credited to you. Way to be ahead of your time, girlfriend. Let’s go out for margaritas later and complain about our dickhead boyfriends.

At any rate, shit rolls downhill in rapid progression: (1) the party starts; (2) people start dancing around in awful 70’s garb and even more awful 70’s disco moves; and - thank you, Lord: (3) the fire finally gets started. I guess you could say shit rolls uphill in rapid progression, because before you can say “William Baldwin was the only reason to see BACKDRAFT!” that roaring bitch of a fire is racing up elevator shafts and stairwells and threatening a whole lot of sequins, garish tuxes, and bouffant hairdos.

Will O’Halloran and Doug save the day? How can they stop a raging inferno when none of the fucking sprinklers work? Who signed off on the specs of this fucking place anyway? Was it that choad Roger? Or is that rich airbag Jim? Who will get barbequed alive? Who will live to attend more 70’s parties with questionable fashion and even more questionable dance moves? And, most importantly, will Susan entice Doug away from all his heroic derring-doing and, you know, fuck his brains out again?

I would. You know I would. We’re talking about a guy who looks like Paul Newman in his prime, people.

Anyway, before I close I’d like to tell you folks that this movie has a very high rate of characters using the “I.T.F.F.R.?. Look.” Also known as: “Is This Fucker For Real? Look". This is a glance of shocked disbelief that one character gives another when the latter has done, said, or contemplated something supremely idiotic. And, trust me, THE TOWERING INFERNO has a lot of these incidents.

To wit:

- About five minutes into the movie: Jim is trying to convince Doug not to leave San Francisco with Susan and move to the sticks, because he’s a city boy and will be bored at night. Doug responds that he will just sleep at night. Jim is obviously puzzled because with a smokin’ hot chick like Susan, who would sleep at night? Result? He gives Doug the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.”

- About 15 minutes in or so, Bigelow interrupts a tense meeting between Jim and Doug over the a short-circuit that led to a small fire. Doug tells Bigelow about it, and how it could lead to bigger fires later. Bigelow gives him the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.”

- About forty minutes in or so, that sleazebag Roger comes on to Susan at the party and propositions her. Susan, despite being a sex addict, apparently has class. Because before shooting him down and walking away, she - you got it - gives him the “I.T.F.R.R.? Look.” That’s my girl. I taught her well…

- Right around the same time, Halloran questions Doug about the sprinkler system. Doug says they’re not working on the 81st floor. Which just happens to be the floor that fire broke out on. Result: Halloran gives Doug an especially withering “I.T.F.F.R? Look.”

- About halfway in, we discover that Bigelow and Lorrie never made it to the party because they’ve decided to have a late “Dick-tation” session. They end up trapped in his office by the fire. Bigelow takes a wet towel (seriously), wraps it around his head (even more serious), and actually tells Lorrie that he will try to run through the fire to get help. “Don’t worry!” he tells her “I used to run the hundred meter dash in ten seconds!”

Let’s just say that the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look” she gives him is one for the books.

- Around the same time, O’Halloran makes it up to the top floor. He tells Jim to tell the guests to start taking the elevators down to the first floor. Jim, being a rich prick, tries to boss O’Halloran around by saying “Do you want me to pull rank?” To which our hot fireman O’Halloran responds: “When there’s a fire, I outrank everyone.”

And then O’Halloran gives him the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.” Take that, rich bitch.

- Three fourths into the movie, Senator Parker decides to have people try to walk down the stairwell to the first floor (fucking finally!). Jim actually turns to him and whines, “But that’s 133 floors!” As if staying where he’s at and burning to death is a much more appealing option.

“Yeah! All downhill!” retorts our Senator in his only display of intelligence and wit in this movie. Then he gives Jim that long-awaited and much-deserved “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.” I wish I could say he also slapped Jim, but that would be too much to hope for.

- Towards the end of the movie, Susan tries to let another woman take her place in the elevator that will take one last batch of women/children down to the safety of the street. Doug catches her doing this, and Susan tells him she’d rather stay up on the roof with him, imperiled, than be safe on ground-level, worrying about him.

Doug is obviously touched by this act of sacrifice, but - yes - he still gives her the “I.T.F.F.R.? Look“. Just because he can. You can tell he’s crying inside, though. Big softie.

- The biggest “I.T.F.F.R.? Look“, however, comes at the very end when the fire is finally out and the last of the survivors have been rescued. O’Halloran tells Doug that more highrise fires will occur until someone starts consulting with the fire department while building them.

I half-expected Doug and Susan to look at each other and burst out laughing. Before inviting O’Halloran to join them in a threesome, that is. Imagine that: a Paul Newman-Faye Dunaway-Steve McQueen sandwich. I’ll take three for the road, please…

Anyway, there’s a lot more of the “I.T.F.F.R.? Looks” to watch for, but it’s Saturday night and it‘s Miller time… I do suggest that you and your friends do a drinking game where you all watch THE TOWERING INFERNO - and everyone has to do a shot every time a character gives another character an “I.T.F.F.R.? Look.”

Trust me - you folks will be drunk and pawing each other before you know it.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: The 70’s are known for being the era of the Disaster Flick. This subgenre of the Action Genre is marked by several immutable characteristics: (1) a cast of glamorous folks portrayed by glamorous movie stars (no indie actors here, thanks); (2) a setting that confines all of them together; and (3) a threat of nature that takes the place of a human villain.

Along with the stunning success of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE in 1972, THE TOWERING INFERNO’s popularity helped establish the Disaster Flick sub-genre. Soon other titles like BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, THE SWARM, WHEN TIME RAN OUT!, and AVALANCHE - just to name a few - were populating marquees. Eventually, though, as with the slasher genre, Disaster Flicks started to wane in popularity in the early 80’s. There was a brief revival in the late 90’s with films like TWISTER, VOLCANO, DANTE’S PEAK, and then with recent hits like THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

Attempts to further revive the sub-genre by remaking THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE soon followed. Unfortunately, the 2006 remake entitled POSEIDON disappointed at the American box-office, despite doing well overseas. As a result, any future plans to remake other 70’s classic Disaster Flicks came to a halt. It’s a shame, because I’d love to see a glossy remake of THE TOWERING INFERNO.

THE TOWERING INFERNO is a reasonably suspenseful ride that must have been positively cutting-edge back in 1974. Unfortunately, it hasn’t aged well and entire passages of it drag and feel repetitive. Director John Guillermin could have easily trimmed at least half-an-hour off the movie’s running time and not significantly impaired either the action or the characters.

Speaking of the characters, another reason THE TOWERING INFERNO doesn’t feel as kinetic or dynamic as THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE is its characters mainly just sit there waiting to be rescued. Only Doug Roberts and Michael O’Halloran get to do any cool stuff. Everyone else pretty much walks around the party at the top of the building looking alternately worried or bored. With the group in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, we were more invested in their ordeal because they were active participants in it. They knew if they stopped moving, the rising water would catch up with them. Bottom line: the more a group of characters fights to survive, the more we want them to actually survive.

This isn’t to say there aren’t some sympathetic characters in THE TOWERING INFERNO. Doug Roberts makes for a good, no-bullshit hero. Matching him in this department is Michael O’Halloran, who is how I picture a true fire chief to be. Both Paul Newman and Steve McQueen play these alpha males very well. There are moments in the movie where we feel we’re almost watching a buddy movie. Fred Astaire, William Holden, Robert Vaugh, Richard Chamberlain, and Robert Wagner also lend enough spice their roles to keep us from losing interest too much.

The most likable characters are the women, though, especially as played by Faye Dunaway, Susan Blakely, Jennifer Jones, Susan Flannery, and Sheila Allen. Sure, with the exception of Lisolette, they ultimately don’t get to participate in the action as much as the guys do, but they sort of anchor the movie with the strokes of humanity the script gives them. To wit: (1) Patty tries her best to loyally stand by her man Roger despite the apparent fact that he indirectly caused the fire with his cost-cutting; (2) Lisolette bravely tries to rescue a deaf mother and her children trapped down on the 87th floor - and ends up partnering with Doug to help the kids get back to the roof; (3) Lorrie mothers and dotes on Bigelow with such haunting sweetness that you instantly want her to survive, and is one classy lady; (4) Paula tries to call her daughter from the club phone to say one last goodbye in case they don’t survive the fire; and, most touchingly: (5) Susan tries to give away her “winning lottery ticket” that would allow her to take a spot in a broken elevator that will make one last descent to the street - just so she can stay with Doug. The scene where Doug talks her out of this, and their nonverbal farewell before Susan steps into the elevator, is THE TOWERING INFERNO’s best scene. This is because the script has already established Doug and Susan from the very first few minutes as a couple you care about: playful, tender, breezy, yet also fiercely loyal to each other.

All in all, THE TOWERING INFERNO is an above average entry into the Disaster Flick subgenre. It’s not as good as THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, but it definitely has its own virtues to recommend it. Had John Guillermin pared down the script a little, it might have rated higher. In any case, it’s decent entertainment.

# 202 - FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL (1994)

FOUR WEDDINGS AND FUNERAL (1994 - COMEDY / PARTY FLICK) **** out of *****

(A bunch of drunk, droll, dashing Brits. I think I’m in heaven…)



CAST: Hugh Grant, Andie MacDowell, Kristin Scott Thomas, John Hannah, Simon Callow, James Fleet, David Callow, Charlotte Coleman, Rowan Atkinson.

DIRECTOR: Mike Newell

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and potential allergic reactions to too much wedding cake - straight ahead…




As we discussed in our review for MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING (review # 40), I likened marriage to something that you should only do to get a Great White Shark to stop gnawing on your leg. In other words, while it makes perfect legal (inheritance for the kiddies) and financial (combined incomes!) sense, I just don’t agree with it on an emotional or psychological plane. After all, would you eat the same dish or watch the same TV show for the rest of your life? I don’t think so. Nothing has caused humanity more angst (and blue balls) than “Until Death Do Us Part.”

A smarter way to handle marriage is to follow the idea posited by a friend of mine who looks like the late, lovely actress Lee Remick. “Lee” thinks that unions between people should be handled through contracts that can be re-negotiated every few years. Basically, she thinks that marriages should be treated the same way the military treats enlistees: sign up for three, four, or six-year stints - and if you don’t get thrown out for doing something stupid in the middle of your enlistment, you can re-up for another few years of fucking the same person. Either way, the pressure is considerably lessened. The idea is sheer brilliance, and I wish I could take credit for it, but that honor must go to “Lee.” I, for one, would totally go for it, and opt for the lowest period possible. Like a week or two.

Charles (Hugh Grant), the hero of our next review, FOUR WEDDINGS AND FUNERAL, is of the same opinion. Charles is one of those guys that everyone loves: cute, funny, smart in his own way, with charisma to burn. He’s also a bit of a commitment-phobe, and has been labeled as a “serial monogamist.” That is, he doesn’t have a consistent girlfriend - but rather a string of them. To be fair, Charles is completely loyal to his gals during their individual times with him. Unfortunately, he starts to get the jitters when he’s been with one girl for too long - and bolts for the next Flavor of the Month.

In other words, he’s my soul brother. High five, Chuckie!

Fortunately, Charles has an extended network of loyal friends who gently tolerate his carefree ways. They are: (1) Fiona (Kristen Scott Thomas), an icy beauty who hides her feelings for Charles; (2) Gareth (Simon Callow), an older gay dude who is always the life of the party and the very definition of fun; (3) Matthew (John Hannah), a younger gay dude who is Gareth’s soulmate and is as mellow as Gareth is vibrant; (4) Tom (James Fleet), Fiona’s dorky older brother; (5) Scarlett (Charlotte Coleman), Charles’s wacky roommate whose hair color is forever changing; and (6) David (David Bower), Charles’s deaf brother who can cuss better with sign language than most sailors can with their own tongues.

Basically, Charles has everything a guy needs: (1) smashing good looks; (2) a great personality; and (3) a circle of vivacious, witty, and interesting friends who are never dull. So what if he can’t commit? If he did, he probably would become a lot less engaging. And more, ahem, engaged. Which, as we’ve already established, is like chaining yourself to a boulder teetering on the edge of a cliff. In other words: no, grazie…

All this changes, though, when Charles meets the hypnotically beautiful Carrie (Andie MacDowell) at the first of our titular four weddings. As Fiona helpfully points out, Carrie isn’t exactly ideal dating material for Charles because she is: (1) American; (2) a slut; (3) is a high-powered fashion editor for British Vogue; and (4) dates only other fabulous people like herself.

Undeterred, Charles sallies forth and tries to win Carrie’s attention. However, in a couple of scenes of “foot-in-mouth” disease that makes me look like the model of tact and diplomacy, Charles only succeeds in making himself look like an ass - and sending Carrie walking away with a slight smile on her face.

But, wait… was that slight smile actually of… attraction? Was Carrie actually smitten somehow by Charles’s fumbling and stammering charm? She must have been, because after the wedding reception, they end up fucking each other’s brains out at a local inn. And giving each other googly eyes through the early morning light filtering through the window.

Danger, Will Robinson. Danger!

One wedding down, three more to go. And the journey is going to be a bitch because after his one-night stand with Carrie, that slutty and fashionable American (someone called my name?), Charles realizes he has… fallen in love for the first time ever. At the next wedding, he runs into Carrie yet again. His joy and delight at meeting who he views as his soul mate are cruelly dashed to the ground when she introduces him to Hamish (Corin Redgrave), her Scottish fiancee who apparently owns Scotland’s entire supply of kilts.

As you can imagine, Charles’s boner pretty much wilts faster than an English Rose in the Sahara desert. But if you’re thinking that the fact she’s engaged to a guy who wears skirts is enough to keep Carrie from fucking Charles after the wedding reception yet again, you obviously don’t know what a true slut is. A true slut will not let some ring on his/her finger stop him/her from fucking what he/she wants to fuck. Needless to say, we get another local inn, and another shot of Charles and Carrie giving each other googly eyes.

And, yes… another wedding. This time, between Carrie and Hamish. I don’t have to point out that Charles is pretty much flummoxed at this point. After all, this bitch has pretty much rocked his world twice now. Does she really love him? Or is it just her clitoris that pines for him? Will Charles just let her go? Will he finally realize that Fiona has been head-over-heels for him since, well, Day One? Or will he continue to hope that he and the Slutty, Fashionable American (who keeps calling my name?) have some kind of future together? How many more goddamn weddings do we have to go through before Charles decides to nut up and declare his love, consequences be damned?

Seriously… how many more? Because I’m starting to get the hives over here. And a rash…


BUT, SERIOUSLY: British screenwriter turned director Richard Curtis first got noticed on this side of the Atlantic for his wonderfully droll, yet also elegantly sincere screenplay for FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL. He would go on to bring his special combo of sweet-yet-snarky to the BRIDGET JONES films, NOTTING HILL, and LOVE ACTUALLY. While all those films were bright and engaging, it’s in this movie where his star (and words) shine the brightest.

Cleverly structured over a series of celebrations (and one funeral), FOUR WEDDINGS AND FUNERAL maintains a heady and engaging feel because we always see its characters at play. We never see any of them doing the humdrum things of daily life like working, running errands, or paying bills. With the exception of Carrie who is a fashion editor for Vogue, we don’t even know what any of their professions are. We always see them just having a great time partying in one way or another, and its quite entertaining.

This is obviously a deliberate choice, since director Mike Newell and Curtis want to create the feel of a never-ending party that is never interrupted by such trivial daily concerns. The only time the string of celebrations halts temporarily is during the tragic death of a major character in the third act. However, even this downbeat plot turn is eventually used in a positive light since the character in question was the most fun-loving one in the group, and never hesitated to show his joy for life and his friends. He was always reminding everyone that life is short and that if you love someone, show it now before it’s too late. Fortunately for him, he lived a full life of doing such things - and had no regrets when he died.

The film regroups for a finale that is both intoxicating and touching in equal measure. Those of you expecting the marriage-averse Charles to finally succumb to the institution will be both disappointed and pleasantly surprised. Suffice it to say, there are more ways than just a wedding to end a romantic comedy film happily. The great thing about FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL is that it ties up not only the Carrie-Charles connection, but all the other friends' threads as well.

The main reason FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL works is not only because of Newell and Curtis’s assured handling of the material, but also the timelessness of the movie’s central hook: a man skeptical of love who finally finds a woman he can’t forget. Hugh Grant was already known in the U.S. for his roles in IMPROMPTU, THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM, and BITTER MOON, just to name a few. However, it was his role in this movie that made him a major star and household name to Americans everywhere. And it’s easy to see why: in his hands, Charles is an irresistible combination of good boy, bad boy, and lost boy. The kind that breaks hearts without wanting to or knowing it. It’s his love for Carrie, as well as his realization that life is indeed short, that makes him mature and want to find something genuine. Which, in the end, is what we’re all after.

With Carrie, FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL has its only potential flaw. There is nothing really wrong with the character herself. As written, Carrie is one of those women whose dazzling, intimidating beauty conceals a winningly down-to-earth and unpredictably carefree attitude. It’s this ebullient and vivacious American quality that attracts the more reserved and British Charles to her.

The problem is that Andie MacDowell, while alluring and fine in the early going, never really allows us to see into Carrie’s heart and her buried feelings for Charles. There are some actresses who can semaphore a hundred hidden layers with simple gestures like a flick of the eye, an averted glance, or a sad smile. And that’s the kind of actress that Carrie needed to play her. This is a woman who’s worldly, playful, and always cool and in control. How exhilarating would it have been to watch her realize that she’s falling for this guy that was supposed to be just a one-night fling? To slowly and reluctantly drop the cool-as-a-cucumber façade and be vulnerable and real? It would’ve been wonderful.

The final scene in the rain between Carrie and Charles after the fourth wedding was supposed to be such a moment. At this point, Carrie is supposed to be at her most vulnerable and real. Unfortunately, MacDowell never allows herself to lose control enough to make Carrie’s emotions fathomable. By this scene, Carrie’s journey from glamorous, poised, sexually-adventurous bombshell to scared, fragile, genuine woman whose heart now belongs to Charles, should be complete and satisfying. Sadly, we never really get that catharsis. Had MacDowell been less cool and measured with her acting, Carrie’s emotional journey would have been a smashing one.

This is not a knock against MacDowell, though. She chose to play Carrie this way for whatever reason. And to be fair, in the first half of the movie, when Carrie is still pulling the strings in the affair, MacDowell is perfect. It’s in the second half where we start to lose some identification with her. But I’m also happy to report that time apparently does hone one’s skills and judgment, because by the time she starred in the wonderful CRUSH (2001) and the engaging TARA ROAD (2005), MacDowell’s performances were pitch-perfect. Her characters in those two films came across as real and human, and we saw the vulnerability beneath the coolly-gorgeous surface.

Fortunately, everything else about FOUR WEDDINGS AND FUNERAL is nearly perfect, so whatever flaws there are with how Carrie was portrayed are easily papered over. The supporting cast is simply fantastic. Kristin Scott-Thomas is one such actress who can semaphore a hundred hidden layers with simple gestures. As the aloof, almost-imperious Fiona, Scott-Thomas delivers a memorable and quietly wrenching performance. Watch the scene during the first wedding reception when Charles, being the best man, gives a speech where he says he could never commit to anyone. Watch the way the camera lingers on Fiona in the audience during this part. Watch how Scott-Thomas uses a simple averted glance away from Charlie to hint at her hidden feelings. I remember seeing this movie for the first time back in 1994, not knowing anything about the plot, and seeing how Fiona’s eyes move away from him when he says that. And I remember thinking: “She loves him.”

Sure enough, late in the film, Fiona finally confesses her love to Charlie - and it's a great scene made even more affecting and memorable because of how understatedly its played. Unrequited love has never looked so classy and riveting - and it's all due to Kristin Scott-Thomas's lovely acting. You can't help but wish Charles would choose her.

In fact, there’s a small contingent of FOUR WEDDING AND FUNERAL fans out there who feel that Charlie should have gone for Fiona instead. And, given how Carrie was played in the last half of the film, I can certainly understand why.

Regarding the rest of the supporting cast, as with Scott-Thomas, they knock their roles out of the park. Simon Callow is absolutely wonderful as Gareth, the man whose motto is basically live now, laugh now, love now. And given what happens to Gareth in the third act of the film, this is sound advice. As Gareth’s life partner, Matthew, John Hannah delivers a cool and measured performance that still manages to be spontaneous and lively. As Charlie himself says about Gareth and Matthew, they’re a perfect match. Further credit should go to Richard Curtis for showing a gay couple as a happy and vibrant union way before it became the norm. In this regard, FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL is ahead of its time.

Charlotte Coleman, James Fleet, and David Bower round out Charles’s group of friends with their own vivid performances. Bower, in particular, is quietly (no pun intended) hilarious as the deaf brother who know some colorful sign language. Even more amusing is British comedy vet Rowan Atkinson as a priest-in-training who seriously fumbles his first wedding ceremony.

To sum up, FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL is a near-perfect comedy that brilliant combines elegance with edge, and sweet and sardonic. Even those of you skeptical of the idea of saying “I do” or hearing the words “’Til Death Do You Part” will love this movie…

# 201 - ONE CRAZY SUMMER (1986)

ONE CRAZY SUMMER (1986 - COMEDY / PARTY FLICK) *** out of *****

(Evidently, Nantucket is just a bit lower than Ibiza on the list of places to Party Hardy!)




CAST: John Cusack, Demi Moore, Joel Murray, Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Villard, Curtis Armstrong, Matt Mulhern, Kimberly Cooper.

DIRECTOR: Savage Steve Holland.

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and highly questionable summer vacations straight ahead…




Magic Time can come unexpectedly. It can happen during an awesome party when you have the perfect guests, music, and food. It can happen during a vacation when you meet the most interesting people and have the times of your lives. It can happen during something as mundane as a family reunion when everything just clicks with you and your relatives. It can happen during a road trip with the perfect traveling companion where neither of you knows where you’re going - but you both know it’s going to be fun getting there.

For a lot of us, Magic Time is also that summer between high school graduation and, well, the rest of your life. I spent mine hanging out in Palm Springs and learning several things: (1) the desert is fucking hot; (2) the desert is fucking dusty; and (3) and there are a lot of hot (literally and figuratively speaking) people in Palm Spings. That summer was a memorable one for me, and I can’t look at a cactus plant without suddenly being reminded of it.

“The Summer After High School Graduation” is special because it’s that limbo between being a kid and being an adult. Sort of a last opportunity to whoop it up before facing the headaches of college, working, and paying for your own place. It’s that wonderful moment, like standing on the top of a mountain - and you think you can see forever. Except that summer doesn’t stretch forever. Eventually, it ends. And you’re left with memories. Best thing to do, then, is to just enjoy it and have fun.

The hero of our next review, the mid-80’s comedy ONE CRAZY SUMMER, has a problem with enjoying things and just having fun. He is Hoops McCann (John Cusack), a brooding recent high school grad who is planning to apply to the Rhode Island School of Design. Except he’s having a hard time coming up with a project that fires up his passion.

Enter best friend George Calamari (Joel Murray), who convinces Hoops to join him, his nerdy kid sister Squid (Kristin Goelz), and their butt-ugly dog, to go visit their Grandma on the popular vacation island of Nantucket for the summer. George thinks Hoops will find his muse on the island - and translate that into a really killer project that will get him into the school.

Turns out that Hoops meets his muse far earlier than that. Enroute to the dock to catch the ferry, Hoops and his gang gets tangled with Cassandra (Demi Moore), a musician being pursued by a bunch of bikers for stealing their money - which Cassandra maintains is really hers. Hoops, being the gent that he is, lets Cassandra hitch a ride with them to get away from her belligerent buds. Turns out she’s also headed to Nantucket to help her grandfather save his house from foreclosure.

Upon arriving on Nantucket, Hoops and George hook up with the following weirdos: (1) the Stork twins (Bobcat Goldthwait and Tom Villard), two dorks working on schlock film currently being shot on Nantucket called FOAM II about a killer dolphin with rabies - uh, huh; and (2) Ack Ack (Curtis Armstrong), the son of a militant asshole who wants him to join the services - or else. With these three new additions to Team Hoops, our boys get settled for a summer of partying.

Unfortunately, Hoops discovers that Cassandra’s gramps has passed away - and the bank will foreclose on his house within a week if she doesn’t cough up $3,000 in back mortgage. Being the good-hearted dude that he is, Hoops recruits his buds to help Cassandra save her house. Even it means going up against the island’s First Family of Assholes, the Beckersteads. Aguilla Beckerstead (Mark Metcalfe) is intent on buying up all the property on one part of the island so he can create - what else? - condominiums.

To make matters worse, Teddy Beckerstead (Matt Mulhern) has also declared a jihad on Hoops because his slutty girlfriend Cookie (Kimberly Foster) has been making googly eyes at our hero. So the fact that Hoops has also allied himself with Cassandra - whose house is the last property the Beckersteads need to fulfill their fucked-up fantasy - is like tossing gasoline on an already-smoldering stack of old newspapers. In other words: WATCH OUT!

So… will Hoops and co. be able to save Cassandra’s house? Or will Aguilla get underhanded in trying to steal the house? Will Teddy beat the tar out of Hoops for attracting Cookie? Or will Teddy just take Cookie to a hotel and make it clear who her Daddy really is? What happens when Hoops realizes that the only way to save Cassandra’s house is join the annual Nantucket regatta that Aguilla and Teddy also have their eye on? Is it “Game Time” on Nantucket Island? Why all the angst and anger and drama, goddamnit? Isn’t this supposed to be “Magic Time?”

Whatever. I’m still trying to purge the image of that Killer Dolphin with Rabies…


BUT, SERIOUSLY: There have been many films dealing with that special time called The Summer After High School Graduation. The best in this sub-genre are THE GRADUATE (1967), the classic about a rudder-less recent grad who has an affair with a much older woman, and BREAKING AWAY (1979), a lovely near-classic about a small-town Indiana teen obsessed with bike-racing and Italy, who tries to win the love of an aloof girl over the course of the summer.

ONE CRAZY SUMMER is nowhere near the league of those two. However, it is still a pleasant enough and reasonably enjoyable comedy about living it up during the last truly carefree time of one’s young life. A lot of the humor, frankly, is on the corny side. But the cast is clearly having a blast and you can’t help but kind of smile at some of their antics. Some highlights: (1) Stork Twin # 1 (Bobcat Goldthwait) dressing up as Godzilla - then discovering he can’t get the costume off and subsequently terrorizing a party at the Beckerstead estate; (2) Stork Twin # 1 recounting a story from his youth about being beat up on the playground; and (3) the climactic regatta race at the end where we discover that our heroes have hijacked Teddy’s car for boat parts. You’ll see what I mean.

What keep ONE CRAZY SUMMER from sinking lower than an average rating is its game and talented cast. This was one of John Cusack’s early roles, and even here it is clear that he has the leading man chops to carry a film on his broad shoulders. Same with Demi Moore who, as we all know, went on to become the highest-paid actress in Hollywood for a little while in the early 90‘s. As she hints here and later proves in GHOST (1990), Moore has the ability to get you to feel what she’s feeling just by looking at you. It’s this intriguingly empathetic (and empathic) ability that marks Demi Moore’s special ability as an actress.

The supporting cast is bright and likable. Joel Murray (Bill Murray’s real-life brother) turns in a winning performance as Hoops’s best pal, George. Listen closely to Murray’s line delivery - there’s a hint of big brother Bill’s droll breeziness. Clearly, there is a family resemblance here - literally and figuratively. Bobcat Goldthwait provides the film’s best laughs as one of the spastic Stork twins. Tom Villard and Curtis Armstrong nicely round out Team Hoops, and they are all believable as friends. Meanwhile, Mark Metcalfe, Matt Mulhern, and Kimberly Foster are all sufficiently hissable as the members of Team Beckerstead.

All in all, ONE CRAZY SUMMER may not be anything special as a comedy, but as an entry into the sub-genre of The Summer After High School Graduation, it’s decent entertainment with a nice message at the end: Friendship Is The Best Investment One Can Make For One‘s Future…

BONUS REVIEWS # 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7

Hello, all...

It's been such a crazy busy and crazy fun Holiday season that we've fallen a bit behind on the review schedule. However, please note that once we get on track with last week's Party Flicks, this week's Americans Imperiled Overseas Flicks, and next week's Military Flicks (led by Kevin Costner's NO WAY OUT - yeah, baby!), we will be posting a slew of Bonus Reviews. These should all post over the next two weeks... Yes. I am a masochist.

BONUS REVIEW # 3 - TANGLED (ANIMATED/ COMEDY)

BONUS REVIEW # 4 - BLACK SWAN (THRILLER)

BONUS REVIEW # 5 - THE KING'S SPEECH (DRAMA)

BONUS REVIEW # 6 - TRUE GRIT (WESTERN)

BONUS REVIEW # 7 - SEASON OF THE WITCH (HORROR/ACTION)











Also, once the last of the Americans Imperiled Overseas Flicks posts on Tuesday the 11th, the Military Flicks will not post until the following Sunday the 16th due to some divemaster training I've got all next week and into the weekend. So please prepare for several days of no posts...

Yes, folks. It's Wet N' Wild time...

REVIEW UPDATE: The Last Four Party Flicks...

Hello, all...

Busy, busy week. Please note that the last four Party Flick Reviews will post by Saturday. Then the seven Americans Imperiled Overseas reviews will post by next Tuesday.

Also, I was looking at our last four Party Flick reviews and have decided to make some switches to avoid repetition. We've already had two Horror Party Reviews, which makes TERROR TRAIN redundant. And CAN'T HARDLY WAIT is too similar to I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER (and - let's face it - not as good). And BACHELOR PARTY and THE ALLNIGHTER are not available from my "DVD Pimp." Good help is so hard to find these days...

So, please find the new list of Party Flicks below:

# 201 - ONE CRAZY SUMMER (COMEDY)

# 202 - FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL (COMEDY)

# 203 - THE TOWERING INFERNO (ACTION/THRILLER/DRAMA)

# 204 - 28 DAYS (COMEDY/DRAMA)









Trust me... it's better this way.

Ciao...

# 200 - MILESTONE REVIEW: I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER (2009)

I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER (2009 - COMEDY / ROMANCE / PARTY FLICK) ***1/2 out of *****

(Well, that’s one way to get the entire student body talking…)




CAST: Paul Rust, Hayden Pannatierre, Jack Carpenter, Lauren Storm, Lauren London, Kevin Michaels, Alan Ruck, Andrea Savage, Marie Avregoupoulos, Josh Emerson, Cynthia Stevenson.

DIRECTOR: Chris Columbus

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one out-of-control inner voice straight ahead…




Our last review, the underrated horror film THE POOL, dealt with twelve students who celebrate their high school graduation by breaking into a humongous in-door water park to celebrate. Unfortunately, they’re joined by a masked psycho killer who proceeds to thin their herd with a very sharp machete.

Our next review, the equally underrated comedy I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER, also deals with students celebrating their high school graduation by throwing a party. Only it doesn’t take place in an awesome in-door water park. No one dies. The worse that happens is someone gets his face punched in. And there’s no psycho killer. Unless you count Beth Cooper’s militant asshole boyfriend. That’s one guy who’s going to have his picture up at the post office soon.

But before we get to that, let’s talk about the graduation ceremony that kicks our story off, because it’s a doozy. Our hero is Dennis Cooperman (Paul Rust), and he’s your basic Valedictorian type: cute, likable, and sweet - but not about to give Chris Evans or James Franco any competition anytime soon. In fact, Dennis has pretty much lived a sheltered high school life defined by: (1) studying relentlessly; (2) hanging out with sexually-ambiguous pal Rich (Jack Carpenter); and most significantly: (3) pining and longing endlessly over the luscious Beth Cooper (Hayden Pannatierre), the school’s head cheerleader.

Beth, however, doesn’t even know Dennis exists. And with graduation hanging over their heads, the chance of that changing is about as good as Bill Murray and Ice Cube teaming up to do buddy cop movie together. Dennis knows he needs to make a grand gesture - or he will fade into even more obscurity in Beth’s mind. Which I totally understand. After all, you always remember the nutty ones.

At Rich‘s suggestion, Dennis decides to confess his feelings… during his valedictorian speech. Now, folks, I don’t know about you but I was kind of thinking more of a private conversation with Beth in which Dennis breaks the news in a classy, if also a little quirky, way. I wasn’t thinking of a fucking NPR live broadcast. But, sadly, that is the kind of whackjob friend Rich is. Don’t worry, he’ll get his. Just you wait.

And so, egged on by his useless best friend, Dennis gets up on that stage… and says those five words that will change his life forever. No. I do not mean, “I am joining the army.” I am referring to the title of our movie. As is: “Ti Amo, Beth Cooper…” Oh, wait. That’s only four words - and it’s in Italian. Sorry, it’s all the wine I had at dinner. Well, you folks know what the title of the goddamn movie is. Do the math.

Anyway, as you can imagine the collective gasp that rises in the auditorium over Dennis’s declaration is a pretty loud one. And Beth, bless her heart, takes this all remarkably well - considering. Now, this is indeed pretty embarrassing, but Dennis might have actually still been able to save a centimeter of face if he had just, you know, shut the fuck up at that point.

But, no… You know how people sometimes survive catastrophic accidents unscathed, and suddenly think they’re superhuman and go around doing reckless shit? Well, that’s kind of what happens after Dennis blurts out his love for Beth. Realizing no one has booed him off the stage (they were too embarrassed to make a sound, see), Dennis suddenly develops verbal diarrhea and sputters on, spreading the wealth among the hapless audience.

To wit, he makes the following declarations: (1) calls a stuck-up bitch a, well, stuck-up bitch; (2) advises an anorexic to actually start eating sensibly; (3) asks a bully if he was smacked around as a child; (4) ridicules Beth’s military-academy boyfriend, Kevin (Shawn Roberts), for dating a high-school senior; and - most hilariously: (5) outs Rich as a homosexual - to the latter‘s utter horror. I told you Rich the Bitch had it coming.

Needless to say, not the least controversial graduation speech in the history of the school.

It goes without saying that the post-graduation socializing is just a teeny bit awkward. The surprising thing is that Beth is actually pretty okay with Dennis’s sermon. But come on, let’s face it: she had it pretty easy compared to Dennis‘s other targets. I mean, if someone gave a public speech wherein he told me he loved me, I’d be eating that shit up. Even if it was Danny DeVito. So, no… Beth has nothing to worry about.

However, the rest of the folks Dennis graciously mentioned in his speech pretty much declare a jihad on him. Especially Kevin, who looks like one of those guys that everyone thinks is “normal” until he snaps and climbs a clock tower. Kevin pretty much assures Dennis he will not live to see the sun rise the next morning. Or get to flick his tongue across Beth’s titties.

Which is exactly what Dennis’s horndog dad (Alan Ruck) wants him to do. See, Dennis has invited Beth to his house for a “soiree,” and she inexplicably accepted. Are you trying to tell me that all I have to do is make a public broadcast of “I love you, Russell Crowe“ to get him to come to one of my dinner parties? Is that all? Fuck, why didn‘t someone tell me sooner?

Anyway, Dennis‘s dad is just over the moon at the idea of Beth coming over. Apparently, Dennis has never been much of a partier, and Pops wants that to change - pronto. “Have fun! Live it up tonight!” encourages the skeezy pervert. “And if you get lucky, there’s a box of condoms in my nightstand!” To which Rich rightfully asks Dennis: “Your parents use condoms to have sex? Aren’t they, like, seventy or something?” Okay, that last part about being seventy was my ad-lib.

Hey, Dad… maybe you should’ve given this speech to Dennis a little sooner. Like when he was a freshman. Kind of too late to soak up the high school experience, wouldn’t you say. That event that happened this afternoon? It’s called a “graduation.” As in: “high school is forever gone.” And no amount of condoms will change that. Jackass.

So… is it too late for Dennis to live it up? Or will this be the night that will make up for a really barren high school life? What happens when Beth shows up to take him on a whirlwind allnighter through several parties? Will it be the night of his life? Are they unexpected soulmates destined to be together? Or will Kevin eventually catch up and shove Dennis’s spleen through his sphincter? What about all the other folks Dennis called out in his speech? What do they have planned for him? And what about Rich? Is he going to eviscerate Dennis for, um, blowing his cover?

Not that I would know. My gaydar is so fucked-up that even when some dude’s tongue is suddenly halfway down my throat, my first thought is always: “He just comes from a very affectionate family. I hope his girlfriend doesn‘t get the wrong idea.”

Anyway, it’s a good thing I never made Valedictorian in high school, otherwise I might have pulled a Dennis Cooverman. My little diatribe would’ve gone like this:

Parents, teachers, distinguished guests, my fellow graduates… I stand before you today to share an important lesson I learned from associating with you over the last four years….

(DRAMATIC PAUSE)

… none of you can dress worth a shit.

(DRAMATIC PAUSE TO LET THAT SINK IN)

Seriously. How hard is it to fuck up a catholic school uniform? White shirt. Black pants. Black shoes. It’s a pretty simple equation, people. One that is actually fairly classic and quintessentially Italian. So why, then, do most of you look like crap? Don’t answer that. I don’t really care.

However, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank a few of you: Mrs. X, thanks for the lovely comments about how you think us half-breeds are taking over the school with our brashness. Way to be a role model for tolerance and equality. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and not assume you’re jealous because we tend to be tall and have striking bone structure. I also loved how you complained to my Mom during parent-teacher conference that I was “too confident.” When my Dad heard about that he actually laughed with pride and raised my allowance. So, suck it, bitch. How do you like me now? By the way, you have bad breath. Seriously, lady. Chew a doublemint once in awhile. It can only help.

And to the guy that sits behind me in Biology, and who is now sitting in the third row, deep down I really appreciated your offer to, ahem, “get to know me better” in private. I hope you weren’t offended when I laughed in your face and said I would rather touch a scalding-hot iron than any square inch of your body. It’s just that you really make me sick, and I didn’t want to get any vomit on my uniform. Getting vomit on yours wouldn’t have been a problem. Since it looked like shit anyway. As it does now.

Oh, and to several of my classmates there in the first row. From the bottom of my heart: thank you, thank you, thank you… for tying me up from head-to-toe while I was asleep during our “Christmas Campout” last year. That must have taken a lot of thought and ingenuity on your part. How you laughed when I woke up trussed up like a turkey, struggling with the gag in my mouth! One might interpret your behavior as frustrated sexual desire directed at an object that you will never have. That’s right. Go on dreaming, jerks. This Eurasian ass will never be yours. By the way… the jug of orange juice you all had at breakfast the next day? The one that I politely declined from drinking? Are you ready for this? Are you listening? I pissed in it. Yes, sir… I. Pissed. In. It. Then I spat in it. Hocked a loogie, to be exact. Bottoms up, assholes. Hey… you’re looking kind of green. Feeling okay, guys?

Oh, and in closing, I’d like to say the one thing that will be the most important thing I will ever say tonight. The one thing I will regret if I never say… To the one person out there I have loved in silence for the last four years. The one person who inspired me to give this speech. The one person who, even though he stood me up on prom night, is my role model because he is smokin’ hot and made Sean Young come like the Fourth of July in the back of a limousine - and a lot of other places - in NO WAY OUT. The one person who, unfortunately, isn’t here tonight - probably because all you fuckers are. Thanks for scaring him off, cretins.

To that person, I say: I LOVE YOU, KEVIN COSTNER!


Well, let’s just say it was probably a good thing I didn’t make Valedictorian. Even if I had, they probably would have tied and gagged me up like a turkey again. Perverts.


BUT, SERIOUSLY: As I wrote in the intro, I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER is a surprisingly underrated film. I guess a lot of folks were expecting something, well, raunchier. While the movie does has some segments that are wild and unpredictable, it doesn’t sacrifice the story at its core for the sake of cheap laughs or gross-out hikinks. At its heart, I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER is about a guy who worships a girl from afar, thinking of her as a goddess, then discovering that she is refreshingly human, vulnerable, and complex.

What we get is a comedy that blends smart, sharp humor with an undercurrent of melancholy. Personally, I think it’s an engaging combination. I don’t think I would’ve liked this film as much if director Chris Columbus had turned into something similar to THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY or other Farrelly fare. I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER’s charm comes from a believable and suprisingly restrained place. The result: a much more relatable story than, say, DUMB AND DUMBER or ME, MYSELF, & IRENE.

What makes this movie really work, though, are its leads: Paul Rust and Hayden Pannatierre make a great couple. Rust perfectly embodies Dennis as a lovable dork who doesn’t quite realize that’s he a much bigger catch than he gives himself credit for. This is the kind of guy that will eventually come into his own - all he needs is confidence. And when he does - watch out. Any girl would be lucky to have him.

It’s this hidden quality (unassuming magnetism and decency) that Beth obviously discerns in him. If Beth were just a shallow bimbo, there wouldn’t be any kind of connection between her and Dennis. She has to have more to her than meets the eye if we are too understand why he is smitten with her. But, as I mentioned before, Beth is a complex character whose layers are gradually revealed as the story goes forward. During their fateful night together, Dennis gets see beyond the “fronts” that Beth has erected to not only maintain her popularity, but also to protect her from getting hurt. And what he sees is a girl who is not much different from him: scared, but also brave enough to reach out and take a chance.

Hayden Pannatierre vividly conveys all of Beth’s buried feelings. One scene in, particular, is memorably affecting. Beth, Dennis, Rich, and her friends break into the high school, where the girls perform a cheerleading routine for the boys in the empty basketball court. Watch for the way Beth looks around at the empty bleachers at the end of the routine - and see the way her face gradually goes from ecstatic, to wistful, then pensive, then afraid, and then, finally, deeply sad. Within seconds, Pannatiere expresses a whole range of emotions that wordlessly tells us Beth is realizing one chapter of her life is ending, a chapter where she is a big fish in a small pond, and another is about to begin where she doesn‘t know exactly where she stands - and there’s nothing she can do about it.

Perhaps the scene above and other melancholy ones like it scattered throughout the film are why it is so underrated and misunderstood. Maybe folks were just wanting an all-out laugh-fest that sees Dennis and Beth hook up without finding out what makes the other tick. That would’ve been dishonest, though, because as with all stories about kindred spirits, you have to go deeper. I LOVE YOU BETH COOPER is about a guy whose rose-colored view of the girl he idolizes changes to a more realistic one - which turns out to be a far, far better view.

They say love is blind, but that‘s not true. Infatuation is blind. Love, on the other hand, knows exactly what it’s looking at. It looks at the whole package. It sees the flaws, the mistakes, the imperfections. But it also sees the good and the true - the things that matter. It gives the benefit of the doubt, forgives, and accepts everything - warts and all. In other words, it is what it is.

Like Dennis’s unexpected connection to Beth Cooper. At the beginning of the movie, he just has a crush on her. But at the end, I think it’s safe to say that really loves her. And there’s nothing blind about it.

# 199 - THE POOL (2001)

THE POOL (2001 - HORROR / PARTY FLICK) *** out of *****

(Hmmmm... Would this shit go down at “Wild Waves?” I hope not…)




CAST: Kristen Miller, Elena Uhlig, Thorsten Grasshof, John Hopkins, Jonah Lotan, Isla Fisher, James McAvoy, Bryan Carney, Cordelia Bugeja, Linda Rybova, Jason Liggett, Maximillian Grill.

DIRECTOR: Boris Von Sychowski

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some seriously questionable water slide behavior straight ahead…




Ah… the Water Park. Is there a better place to throw a party? Think about it: acres and acres of different pools and slides and waves and rapids. Throw in a lot of alcohol and you basically have the party-setting equivalent of winning the lottery. Plus, all that water means… swimsuits at worst, naked bodies at best. PAR-TAY!

I remember the first “water park” I encountered as a child. I use the quotations because the place was nothing more than three pools - two kiddies, one normal - and two fifteen-foot-long slides. And it’s not like the slides twisted and turned or looped around themselves. Nope, we’re talking straight down in a straight line. Looking back on it now, the place actually seems pretty boring. But, at the time, to my stupid child’s brain, it was better than Disneyland.

Of course, since then, I’ve been to some pretty killer water parks. Parks that have slides taller than some hotels. Parks that have pools with stronger waves than many beaches. Parks with more variety of thrills than your average carnival and sketchy massage parlor combined. None of them, though, can rival the killer water park in our next review. And when I say “killer,” I mean that literally.

See, our characters are a mixed bag of rich dipshits who have just graduated from the International High School of Prague. We’ve got a whole array of Yanks, Brits, Germans, Czechs, Aussies, and one really annoying Argentinian. Two nationalities conspicuously missing are French and Italian. Yes, sir… the two most beautiful nationalities in the World get the shaft in this movie. Where do I write in protest?

Anyway, our recent grads include: (1) Sarah (Kristen Miller), wholesome blonde American chick; (2) Gregor (Thorsten Grasshof), smug German asshole whom Sarah is dating; (3) Frank (John Hopkins), smokin’ hot Brit dude who walks around in a black T-shirt with big white letters that read: FUCK ME (don’t have to tell me twice, Frank - my place or yours?); (4) Carmen (Elena Uhlig), slutty German chick who is Sarah’s best friend; (5) Kim (Isla Fisher), whiny Australian chick who is the token poor chick in the group; (6) Mike (James McAvoy), shy Scottish dude who has the misfortune of dating Kim; (7) Diego (Maximillian Grill), aforementioned annoying Argentinian who’s pretty cocky for someone who’s basically just Gregor’s bitch-boy; (8) Mel (Cordelia Bugeja), slutty Brit chick with a nice rack; (9) Martin (Jason Liggett), bad boy Yank who drools over Mel’s nice rack; (10) Svenja (Linda Rybova), smokin’ hot Czech chick with an even nicer rack than Mel; (11) Chris (Jonah Lotan), good boy Yank who’s perpetually being cock-teased by all the women around him; and (12) Carter (Bryan Carney), pretty-boy Yank who’s determined to plow Svenja’s field.

Long story short, our twelve graduates decide they need to commemorate their, uh, commencement by throwing a party none of them will ever forget. And, in one of the few signs of intelligence displayed in this movie, they decide to hold it in a water park. But not just any water park. An indoor water park that is like the H20 equivalent of Game Works and Magic Mountain combined.

But if you’re thinking our twelve grads plan on holding their soiree during business hours, you obviously haven’t seen many slasher movies. Nope, our Dumbass Dozen decide to break into the place in the dead of night, all the better to have the entire place to themselves. And all the better to be trapped when a masked psycho killer wielding a machete decides to crash the party. Like I said, it’s a killer water park. Ha ha.

Who will make it through the night alive? Who will bite it hard? Why do these idiots stand around arguing instead of, you know, throwing a chair through the windows? How the fuck did these numbnuts graduate from high school with the survival instincts of lemmings? Are they the future of our planet? If so, will someone just shoot me now? And the most important question of all: are Gregor and Diego secretly fucking each other? Watch the scene where Diego begs Gregor not to leave him behind. Dude, did he rock your world that much? Or do I need to get my head out of the gutter?

Whatever. I guess I shouldn’t complain about a movie in which in everyone runs around in board shorts and bikinis. I ain’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth, ya know?

Now, Frank.. Let's talk about the offer printed on your T-shirt...


BUT, SERIOUSLY: In the wake of SCREAM’s massive success in 1996, the moribund slasher genre roared back to life. Soon, other post-modern entries came along and experienced varying degrees of success: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, URBAN LEGEND, I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, CHERRY FALLS, URBAN LEGENDS: THE FINAL CUT, and VALENTINE.

Eventually, these movies would become less and less successful at the box-office, just like the entries in the mid-to-late 80s. Then the genre received a second wind in recent years when the 70’s/early 80’s classics like THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, BLACK CHRISTMAS, HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13th, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, and PROM NIGHT started getting remade.

However, in between the petering out of the post-modern slasher craze ignited by SCREAM, and the rise of the “Slasher Remakes” starting in 2003 with the new version of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, Europe tried to get in on the action with some entries of their own. France offered up DEEP IN THE WOODS, and Germany produced THE POOL.

As slasher knock-offs go, THE POOL isn’t the worst of its kind. It’s technically well-made, handsomely produced, with an exceedingly attractive cast that more or less delivers decent performances. The first time I saw it was when I first moved back to Italy in 2002, and the various European characters rang true. The actors and actresses playing them also mesh well together.

Speaking of the cast, just like with early Slasher Flicks like HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13th, and THE BURNING which produced future stars like Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Bacon, Holly Hunter, Jason Alexander, and Fisher Stevens, THE POOL also has its fair share of rising talents that now have higher profiles. Kristen Miller went on to star in the TV series S.H.E. SPIES. John Hopkins is regular face on British prime-time TV, and recently starred in ALICE IN WONDERLAND. Isla Fisher featured in WEDDING CRASHERS and CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC. James MacAvoy starred in ATONEMENT, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND, and WANTED opposite Angelina Jolie. Jonah Lotan had recurring roles in the TV series CSI:NY and 24. And watching THE POOL, you can tell these folks had talent just waiting to be tapped. They’re the main reason this flick rates above the average mark.

If anything weakens THE POOL, it’s the killer’s weak motivation for his (her?) killing spree. It’s got to be one of the lamer reasons I’ve seen. Fortunately, director Boris Von Sychowski shoots the whole thing with a glossy, beautiful finish that perfectly complements his stunning cast. The scare sequences are also confidently-handled by him, and the water park setting is an innovative one that he turns into a sinister funhouse of rippling shadows and light.

I usually pay attention to a film’s musical score, and whether it enhances or diminishes a film’s impact. In the case of THE POOL, the score is a tad bombastic and obvious. The film might have rated higher than above average if the score had been toned down. In fact, the best scares are the ones with very little music in the background especially the near-silent chase sequence involving Mel being staked by the killer through the locker rooms. Another is the scene where Sarah and Carmen narrowly evade the killer, and track his departure through the security cameras. During these moments, THE POOL almost becomes more than an above-average slasher.

Where THE POOL registers musically, though, is with its soundtrack. I’m no longer referring to the musical score, but the film’s parade of songs and tunes. THE POOL’s soundtrack is one of the best I’ve heard: vibrant, energetic, upbeat, effervescent. It perfectly captures the beauty, power, and freedom of youth, that magical time when you're on the cusp of adulthood - and taking a step back for one last unforgettable hurrah. Some gems include “Whatever Happened to the 80’s?” by the DoNots, “Never Let You Go” by MyBalloon, and "Room With A View" again by the DoNots. See videos below.

Bottom line: THE POOL is a sleek, well-made, decently-acted European entry into the post-modern slasher genre. With some talented (and gorgeous) future stars - and wonderful songs. This is one party I would have loved to attend... Booze, beautiful people, beautiful music... what more could you ask for?