# 559 - THE GIVER

THE GIVER (2014 - DRAMA / ACTION / MYSTERY) ****1/2 out of *****  OR  9 out of 10

(I am doing my utmost best to refrain from cracking any blowjob jokes right now...)

CAST:   Jeff Bridge, Meryl Streep, Brenton Thwaites, Alexander Skarsgaard, Katie Holmes, Odeya Rush, Taylor Swift, Cameron Monaghan, Emma Tremblay. 

DIRECTOR:  Phillip Noyce

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and some very convincing reasons to celebrate the fucked-up present and to fear the even more fucked-up future - straight ahead...

IT'S LIKE THIS:   Earlier this year we witnessed what happened in a utopian future society wherein everyone must choose one of five factions - and remain part of it for the rest of their lives.  That movie was called DIVERGENT, and while everything was painted in hunkey-dorey colors at the beginning, it soon became clear that this so-called utopia (read: perfect) was really more of a dystopia (read: screwed-up on so many levels).  Soon, it developed that one of the factions, the stuck-up assholes called "Erudites, " were out to undermine all the other factions and seize control of society.  In other words, imagine your local high school being taken over by the brains - to the chagrin of the cheerleaders, jocks, potheads, and artsy-fartsies.  Not to mention the faculty.

Now we have another "Utopia that is really a Dystopia" flick with our next review.  It's titled THE GIVER, and is apparently based on a very popular young adult book from the 80's.  I have not read it, but the friend I went to see THE GIVER with did.  When I asked him how the movie compared to the novel, his answer was simple and straightforward:  "The movie was totally Hollywoodized."  Which wouldn't be the first time that happened, I guess.

Anyhow, the hero of THE GIVER is Jonas (Brenton Thwaites), a teenager who lives in the distant future, wherein society has been streamlined and sanitized to the point of sterility.  Everyone is nice to each other.  Everyone speaks in precise language without emotional nuance or subtext.  Everyone colors within the lines and keeps their head down.   Everything is black-and-white.  Literally: the movie starts out in black-and-white, I guess to drive home the point that this place is about as fun as a vacation in Stepford, Connecticut - another place wherein everyone is all-smiles to the point of freakiness.

This doesn't bother Jonas, though.  Nor does it faze his best pals, Fiona (Odeya Rush), whom he has a major crush on because she's hot, and Asher (Cameron Monaghan), whom he doesn't because he's a competitive asshole.  Jonas, Fiona, and Asher are about to mark a major milestone in their lives: they are about to come-of-age in a ceremony wherein the Elders will pick the jobs they will hold for the rest of their lives.  Kind of like the way Tris (Shailene Woodley) in DIVERGENT had to choose which posse, er, faction she would run with for the rest of hers.  Except in THE GIVER, there's very little chance of Jonas, Fiona, and Asher winding up working with someone as hot as Four (Theo James) to boss them around.

But I digress.  Anyhow, the Chief Elder (Meryl Streep) grants Asher the duty of Security Prick (or something like that) and Fiona is given the position of Baby Nurse Midwife Whatever.  For Jonas, though, she has a very special position in mind:  The Receive Of Memory.  You see, when society decidedly to go all monochramatic, they archived everything from the past like art, movies, dancing, music, sports, internet, snowboarding, sledding, and pretty much anything else that used to be, well, colorful and fun.   But instead of storing everything in some library somewhere (although there is a small one that's like a back-up system), the Elders decided to store the Memories Of All Fun Things in the mind of... The Giver.

The Giver (Jeff Bridges) trains The Receiver (Jonas) on all the information, images, and experiences in his mind - and does a series of "memory transfers" to get all that data, uh, transferred.  Once Jonas has reached maximum capacity and can control the info, he will then be given the title of... The New Giver.  Until such time a new, um, Reciever is annointed.  Or something like that.  Meanwhile, The Old Giver will go off somewhere to, I suppose, definitely not have  mai-tais on a beach somewhere.  That kind of retirement doesn't exist in this world apparently.

Unfortunately, Jonas takes a little too well to the memories that are transplanted into his head by The Giver.  He learns what it's like to sled down a snowy hill, swim in the warm ocean, dance like a crazed fool - and essentially behave like a college student on holiday.  Needless to say, he starts to realize that maybe The Things Of The Past aren't such a bad thing, after all.  He starts to ask more and more questions of The Giver, and pressures him for more and more "experiences."

There are several people who are not too crazy about Jonas' overeager desire for more forbidden knowledge:  (1) Mother (Katie Holmes), a bitch so stiff and upright she must have been born with a steel rod shoved up her ass; (2) Father (Alexander Skarsgaard), a dude so mellow and loose that you have to wonder if he needs a steel rod shoved up his ass; and (3) The Chief Elder, herself, who is clearly the person in charge of handing out steel rods to be jammed up people's asses.  Specifically, the Chief Elder is afraid that Jonas may find out too much about the past - and might want to change the present and, consequently, the future.  Soon, she goes all DIVERGENT on Jonas' ass and sends the troops after him and The Giver.

Will Jonas and The Giver outsmart the Chief Elder's thugs and goons?  What happens when Jonas learns that his best pal Asher is in charge of bringing him down?  Will friendship prevail?  Or will Asher do his duty and wipe out his childhood buddy?  And what happens when Jonas discovers a special baby named Gabe who has the same gifts as he and The Giver? Will he risk his life to protect Gabe?  Will Fiona help?  How will all this end?

Let's put it this way: if someone gives - someone has to receive.  But the receiver should tell the giver not to use any teeth.  The receiver should also give the giver ample warning before he...

I'm just saying.   

BUT SERIOUSLY:   In our plot breakdown above, we discussed the striking similarities between DIVERGENT and THE GIVER.  Both films revolve around seemingly-utopian societies that turn out to have something very wrong about them.  Both films deal with themes of conformity, collectivism, and rebellion.  Both films have villains who are well-intentioned but cross the line in their quest to keep the past from rising up to change the present and future.  And both films are well-acted and excellently-executed. 

I wouldn't be surprised if Veronica Roth, author of the "Divergent" quadrilogy, was influenced in some small way by "The Giver."  It doesn't really matter which of the two is more original because there have been striking story parallels between movies since the art of cinema began.  What matters is a good movie is essentially a story well told - and both DIVERGENT and THE GIVER tell their individual-yet-related stories very well, indeed. 

THE GIVER is based on a book that I gather was published in the early-80s.  How faithful the movie is to the book, I'm not sure, but the friend I saw the film with says the cinematic version is much more elaborate in terms of action, suspense, and special effects.  He also saw DIVERGENT with me several times, and he says that the movie version of "The Giver" is closer to the Shailene Woodley/Theo James hit film from earlier this year, than it is to the source novel.  The core of the story is still there, he says, but the execution is much more like that of DIVERGENT: a slick, suspenseful, sci-fi action/thriller. 

I haven't read "The Giver" myself, but I have to say that I enjoyed THE GIVER very much indeed.  Like DIVERGENT, it anchors all the action, intrigue, chases, and thrills in a very poignant, human place.  DIVERGENT's emotional core was Tris (Woodley) trying to find her niche in society, as well as her budding romance with her icy-but-loyal trainer, Four (James).  DIVERGENT worked wonderfully, because it was character-oriented despite its potentially-complicated plot.  THE GIVER follows the same route, putting us firmly in Jonas' shoes as he tries to navigate the unexpected position in society he's been given - and the even more unexpected rewards (and dangers) it brings. 

Whereas DIVERGENT dealt with conformity from a categorization slant, THE GIVER deals with the same issue from the perspective of removing all emotional complexity.  Logic is paramount in THE GIVER's world, and the things of the old world that made life so chaotic and unpredictable have been banished into the shadows and the memories of the various Givers throughout the decades.  Unfortunately, as Jonas and his friends find out, a life bereft of chaos and unpredictability isn't much of a life, at all.  The positive flip side of chaos is passion, and his glimpses of it during his sessions with The Giver make him realize what they have all been missing.  And it's what makes him feel truly alive for the first time in his life. 

Brenton Thwaites is a fairly unknown Australian actor who takes ownership of his role in very much the same Woodley and James ran with theirs in DIVERGENT.  The character of Jonas is meant to be someone who has alway conformed and been invisible, but who suddenly realizes he doesn't want to be invisible anymore.  Thwaites makes Jonas' transformation from mellow, conforming pacifist to fiery, galvanized idealist, a compelling one to watch.  He had a small role as the Prince in the very good MALEFICENT, and it's nice to see him finally get a true showcase to run with here.

Odeya Rush and Cameron Monaghan are very appealing as, respectively, Fiona and Asher, Jonas' confidantes.  Rush is particularly affecting in a climactic scene that blends heart-wrenching poignancy and heart-pounding suspense, in equal measure.  Monaghan, on the other hand, manages to give Asher some nice nuances, blending duty to his job with touching loyalty to Jonas.  The very brief shot where Asher surprisingly defies his orders to help his best friend is a great one - and is a classic example of how to load emotional complexity in a single line of dialogue. 

As for the older cast members, Alexander Skarsgaard and Katie Holmes are spot-on as Jonas' obedient parents.  Skarsgaard, with his soft puppy dog eyes, ably conveys the quiet resignation beneath Father's mellow surface, giving us the sense that, like Jonas, he questions many things about the world he lives in, but doesn't have his son's courage to upset the status quo and make changes.  Meanwhile, Holmes is eerily effective as the controlling mother who monitors her family's every move like a hawk.  Despite the "girl-next-door" aura that she started her career with, Holmes is actually best playing strong ballbusters (like Rachel Dawes in BATMAN BEGINS), and she turns Mother into a similarly-formidable figure. 

Then, of course, there are the Great Meryl Streep and Jeff Bridges, as respectively, The Chief Elder and The Giver.  Needless to say, Streep and Bridges are acting royalty and command every scene they are in.  However, they do this without hogging the limelight, and always graciously share center stage with their co-stars.  Bridges as The Giver has a nice father-son rapport with Jonas, and he has the perfect paternal chemistry with Thwaites that sells their relationship - which is crucial because the link between The Giver and The Receiver is the emotional core of this film.  Like Jonas, The Giver is someone whose seemingly placid exterior hides a sharp, strategic mind that is very quickly putting things together and planning counter-attacks - and Bridges' similar laconic-but-with-razor-wits is perfect for the character. 

No review of THE GIVER would be complete without discussing the wonderful enigma that is Meryl Streep.  Streep is one of my favorite actresses because of her ability to be mysterious, aloof, and distant, yet open, friendly, and vulnerable at the same time.  She's one of the few actresses that actually slip seamlessly into the skins of her character, and the Chief Elder is her latest sterling example.  Just like Jeanine Matthews (Kate Winslet) from DIVERGENT, the Chief is driven not by rage or profit - but by an idealogy that she is willing to kill or die for. 

I've often said that the best villains are not evil, but simply have agendas they will do anything to see realized.  Often, these agendas make perfect sense - but what makes these people baddies is they believe in their plans so much they are willing to hurt innocent people for it.  For them, the means always justify the ends - any means, even deadly ones.  And that makes them much, much more dangerous because it's hard to reason with them.  A villain driven by rage can possibly be stopped by kindness, compassion, and forgiveness, while one motivated by money can be bought off.  But an antagonist who believes deeply and passionately in a cause or goal, so much so that they are willing to sacrifice anything or anyone (even themselves) for it, is probably the most formidable foe there is.   Streep brings this unsettling quality to vivid life, effectively combining a wistful sadness with cool, understated menace.  Is there a role this woman can't play?  I think not. 

Ultimately, THE GIVER and DIVERGENT have many things in common, plot-wise: compelling stories, stellar casts, suspenseful action, and profound themes.  But the most important thing they share is this: they are two the best of Summer 2014's films.  And that is special common ground, indeed. 

# 558 - LET'S BE COPS

LET'S BE COPS  (2014 - COMEDY / ACTION) ***1/2 out of *****  OR  7 out of 10

(Let's hope they're not wearing G-strings under those outfits.  I'm just saying...)

 

CAST:   Jake Johnson, Damon Wayans Jr., Nina Dobrev, Rob Riggle, Andy Garcia, James D'Arcy, Joshua Ormond, Keegan Michael Key, Jonathan Lajole.

DIRECTOR:  Luke Greenfield

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and some not very convincing faux cops - straight ahead

 

IT'S LIKE THIS:   Back in 2012 we reviewed 21 JUMP STREET (review # 444), the cinematic adaptation of the 80's TV show wherein doofus cops Jenko (Channing Tatum) and Schmidt (Jonah Hill) were recruited into their precinct's "Jump Street" program.  Apparently, this involved posing as high school students to curb any drug problems in local school hallways.  This proved a little too successful: let's just say a couple of developmentally-arrested douches like these two going undercover as developmentally-arrested douches who are still in school is kind of like Kim Kardashian going undercover at some Bootylicious Festival Celebration of Big Asses.

Then, this summer, we saw the return of Jenko and Schmidt as they were given another shot to fuck things up while undercover - this time in college.  22 JUMP STREET (review # 552) proved to be even more of a Nutball Extravaganza, as we watched our two doofus heroes pitch headlong into the fray of classes, hangovers, fraternity parties, football games, and walks-of-shame.  Ahem.  Let's just say you haven't lived until you've seen nerdball Schmidt trudge home across campus in the wee hours of the morning after having discovered someone used his ass for just one night.  Deal with it, tubby.  It can be fun.  

Now, in our latest review, we find out what happens when the whole "cops-go-undercover-as-doofuses" gets inverted into "doofuses-go-sort-of-undercover-as-cops."  The flick is titled LET'S BE COPS and everything you need to know about this film is essentially there in the "as-simple-as-it-sounds" title.  Our heroes are two slacker Los Angelenos: Ryan (Jake Johnson) and Justin (Damon Wayans Jr.).  And while I wouldn't go so far as to say they make Jenko and Schmidt look like rocket scientists, our boys from 21 & 22 JUMP STREET have very little reason to feel insecure around these two goobers. 

Justin is the "Schmidt" of the two; you know: the smart, shy, geeky, socially-inept one whose brains often get in the way of his dick and thereby ruin what little game he has.  Except Justin is black and in much better shape than Schmidt, who is pasty and always looked like he was one jelly doughnut away from being booted off the force.  Ryan, on the other hand, is the "Jenko" of the duo; you know:  the somewhat hot, thoroughly libido-driven skeeze whose dick often is in control of the caboose, with his (minimal) brains decidedly trussed up like a turkey in the trunk.  Needless to say, we've seen these two before. 

While Justin has a thankless job in a "pay-your-dues" position as some asshole executive's personal assistant in a video game company, this does not stop him from having big dreams.  Specifically, he wants to pitch and peddle a first-person shooter game called, ahem, "Patrolman L.A."  Or something like that.  Never mind that his demo material for the game looks a lot like a cartoon version of that cheesy 70's show C.H.I.P.S.  Only somehow more lame.  If that's even remotely possible. 

But at least Justin has dreams.  I'm not sure what the fuck Ryan has.  When he's not pretending to be coaching touch football for a bunch of snot-nosed kids who don't seem to know who the hell he is, he basically macks on anything that doesn't have the common sense to zap him with a tazer within the first few seconds.  Oh, and he once starred in a commercial for a genital herpes cream.  Suffice it to say, neither of these two have exactly conquered the world since leaving high school.  Which makes it particularly awkward when they get an invitation to their 10th Reunion. 

Fortunately, according to the invite, it is a masquerade-themed reunion.  Meaning Justin and Ryan could easily don some sophisticated eyemasks, elegant tuxedos, and totally work that "mysterious-stranger-returns-from-10-years-overseas" routine.  Hell, wearing that kind of outfit, these dunderheads could easily get away with saying they work for the, um, government but, uh, cannot exactly disclose what they do.  James Bond does it, and look how much pussy and ass he gets. 

Unfortunately, our Mensa candidate Ryan interprets "masquerade" as "costume party" and utters those three (four?) words that will change his and Justin's life forever.  Hint: look at the title of this movie - and think real hard.

Before you know it, our two idiots are dressed up like Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena from END OF WATCH (but more laughable) and are be-bopping their dumb asses down to the reunion.  And before you know it, their former classmates - dressed elegantly in proper masquerade attire - are looking at them like a couple of jackholes who just saw END OF WATCH and got a little carried away.  In other words, not the best of reunion experiences, folks.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), there are a lot of stupid women in this world who are apparently easily-swayed by a uniform.  Sure enough, while our two dejected faux cops are walking home from their train wreck of a high school reunion, they notice that a lot of sexy honeys are... smiling and checking them out, all lascivious-like.  Apparently, it's the police uniforms they have on.  According to this movie, LAPD outfits are kind of like the fashion equivalent of beer goggles: with them on, anyone looks hot.  Essentially, the moral of the story is this:  guys, if you're having a hard time scoring with the fairer sex, slip on a police uniform and the females will be lining up for your spermatozoas.  Well, you know what I mean. 

Soon enough, our two Milli Vanilli cops are milking their fake status as policemen, and have distorted the LAPD's mantra  of "To Serve and Protect" into "To Cruise For Chicks and Generally Behave Like The Kind of Policeman Who Eventually Gets Investigated By Internal Affairs."  Except these two boneheads don't have to worry about that because, as we have painstakingly found out, they're not really cops.  They, do, however, have to worry about being charged with impersonating law officers and driving a fake cop car with even faker credentials.  Oh, I forgot to mention that Justin and Ryan bought a car on Ebay and souped it up to look like an LAPD vehicle?  My bad.   They obviously felt they hadn't broken enough laws - and stepped up their stupidity a level or two. 

Soon, however, Justin and Ryan's pseudo-law enforcement shenanigans land them into some hot water with a Russian criminal figure named Mossi (James D'Arcy), who doesn't like cops mucking about in his turf, let alone fake ones.  It doesn't help that Josie (Nina Dobrev), the girl Justin has a crush on, actually buys Justin and Ryan's END OF WATCH routine and is counting on them to put Mossi away and clean up her neighborhood.  Where did they find this dumb bitch?  I bet she thinks Santa and the Easter Bunny are real, too. 

Now, our two "heroes" must make a hard choice:  (1) do the right thing and finally start acting like real heroes and put a stop to Mossi's reign of terror - or (2) continue to act like super-tools playing cop dress-up just to net some L.A. poontang.  Hmmmmmm... which will they choose?

Men are not complex creatures, folks.  Bet on the poontang. 

 

BUT SERIOUSLY:  In past reviews, we've talked about what elevates a movie into the realm of solidly-good films and above.  A lot of good films have premises that didn't sound like much, but were deployed in such a way that the end result was a fairly engaging and entertaining ride.  Which leads to something we've discussed a lot lately: execution.  Execution can make or break a film.  A great idea, ill-executed, can produce a weak film; conversely, a weak idea, well-executed, can create a good or better film.  LET'S BE COPS is a prime example of the latter. 

On the surface, you'd think that a film about two underachievers posing as cops for fun wouldn't amount to much, but director Luke Greenfield and co-writer Nicholas Thomas wring some pretty funny and clever ideas and situations from this paper-thin scenario.  It helps immeasurably that leads Jake Johnson and Damon Wayans Jr. are ideally-cast (especially Johnson).  These talented elements both in front of and behind the camera keep the film coasting at a brisk, amusing pace that constantly finds creatively funny detours.

However, the most vital characteristic that differentiates a good and better film from all others is a solid emotional core that allows you to care and root for its characters.  The stronger the emotional core and the more powerful the concern for the characters, the higher a film rates.  Many movies are passable, even above average, entertainment - but what often keeps them from being anything more than that is lack of any real connection with the characters. 

In LET'S BE COPS, the most surprising thing is how our regard for Justin and Ryan deepens as we enter the third act of the film.  It becomes clear that Greenfield and Thomas have been carefully planting some thematic seeds and setting up some narrative threads that will pay off later on - but doing it in a way that doesn't feel calculated and false.  We are so busy laughing at Justin and Ryan's raucous shenanigans that we aren't aware of their overall character arcs until they've snuck up on us.  There's a reason why this film has shown great legs at the box-offuce after a decent opening: it's not just a funny movie - it's a funny movie with relatable, likable, sympathetic characters. 

Lending solid support to Johnson and Wayans is an interesting, varied supporting cast.  Rob Riggle turns in a suprisingly stoic, straight-laced (for him) character as Sgt Segars, a real LAPD cop who ends up partnering with our fake officers.  Riggle has been so vivid and effective as hilariously-loony wild cards in flicks like THE HANGOVER, 21 JUMP STREET, and 22 JUMP STREET, that its refreshing (and endearing) to see him play a supportive, sensible brother figure to our heroes.   Nina Dobrev is appropriately lovely and fetching as Justin's love interest, Josie.  Unsurprisingly, the character of Josie spends a bit of time on the back burner, but at least the script gives her some opportunities to contribute to the plot. 

As for the villains, James D'Arcy makes for a suitably slimy and hissable baddie, but the real surprise is Andy Garcia's appearance as a corrupt cop whom Justin and Ryan unwisely lock horns with.  I've been a fan of Garcia's for years, and he's been the strong points of movies like BLACK RAIN, JENNIFER 8, OCEAN'S 11-13, CITY ISLAND, THE GODFATHER 3, and WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN.  However, we've liked him the most in his darker roles that are either morally-ambiguous or downright villainous - and he's in fine baddie form here.

Ultimately, LET'S BE COPS becomes much more than your average comedy by taking a potentially flimsy premise - and making it work by using creativity and humanity.  While it is not quite at the superb level of 21 & 22 JUMP STREET, it can still sit comfortably just a rung or two below them.  For a movie that had not much fanfare at the beginning nor any claims to greatness, that is no small praise. 

31 Days of Halloween....

Hello, folks...

Hope everyone is well.  Please expect the last of the Summer 2014 reviews to post by this weekend.  

# 558 - AS ABOVE, SO BELOW

# 559 - THE GIVER

# 560 - LET'S BE COPS

# 561 - THE HUNDRED FOOT JOURNEY

Please note that we are doing something a little different this year for our Fall/Autumn Reviews.   We are foregoing our usual seasonal line-up - and focusing exclusively on Halloween.  

Every day in October, starting on Wednesday, Oct 1, we will be posting one Horror Movie Review a day, until Halloween on Friday, Oct 31.

Please find below our Horror Movies for our "31 Days of Halloween" reviews...

# 562 - SCREAM (1996)

# 563 - 28 DAYS LATER (2002)

# 564 - FRIDAY THE 13th (1980)

# 565 - ANNABELLE (2014)

# 566 - BURNT OFFERINGS (1976)

# 567 - EVENT HORIZON (1997)

# 568 - TOMB OF THE BLIND DEAD (1972)

# 569 - AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)

# 570 - THE BEYOND (1981)

# 571 - SALEM'S LOT (2004)

# 572 - PUMPKINHEAD (1988)

# 573 - ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968)

# 574 - I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1997)

# 575 - THE SURVIVOR (1980)

# 576 - THE BURNING (1980)

# 577 - ONE MISSED CALL (2005)

# 578 - A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)

# 579 - DRACULA UNTOLD (2014)

# 580 - CREATURE (1985)

# 581 - CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980)

# 582 - THE OMEN (1976)

# 583 - GRADUATION DAY (1981)

# 584 - MIRRORS (2008)

# 585 - THE SECRET OF CRICKLEY HALL (2012)

# 586 - THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983)

# 587 - SILENT HILL (2006)

# 588 - THE DEAD (2010)

# 589 - HELLRAISER (1987)

# 590 - STAGE FRIGHT (1988)

# 591 - BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA (1992)

# 592 - HALLOWEEN (1978)

We should have a relatively quiet September, but a very, very, very busy October.  

Ciao ciao...

# 557 - TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (2014 - ACTION / COMEDY ) **1/2 out of *****  OR  5 out of 10

(I guess it could've been worse - they could've been "Fortysomething Giant Karate-Chopping Aardvarks"....)

CAST:   Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Whoopi Goldberg, Tohoru Masamune, voices of Tony Shalhoub, Johnny Knoxville, Alan Ritchson, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, and Pete Ploszek.  

DIRECTOR: Jonathan Liebesman

WARNING: Some SPOILERS and bizarre reptilian amalgams - straight ahead...

IT'S LIKE THIS:  Folks, I must be completely frank here and say that I just do not get the heroes of our next review.  Oh, sure, they're entertaining and likable enough, with just enough humor and camaraderie to win a passing grade in my book. But I just don't understand them.  Or, rather, what the fuck they're supposed to be.  So, they're turtles, right?  Who are, um, teenagers?  Who are also obviously mutated because, well, they're as big as linebackers?   On top of all of that, however, they're also... ninjas? 

What the fuck exactly happened?  Did the writers plug in a bunch of random words into whatever idea-generating machine screenwriters use - and these four bozos are what got spit out?  Let me guess: the other two top choices after "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
were probably "Twentysomething Freakazoid Samurai Bumblebees" and "Middle-Aged Crack-Addicted Zumba-Dancing Dolphins"?

Whatever, dude.  I'll play along.  

Anyhow, by now you might have guessed, dear reader, that I am not exactly an aficionado of these four, um, special creatures.  It's not that I don't like them.  I just think they were merely the result of long night of pot-smoking and beer-guzzling of a few writers desperate for an idea - ANY idea - rather than a true stroke of creative genius.  But, hey... a bazillion kids can't be wrong, right?  Well, let's just say that children are not exactly the the most discerning or discriminating audiences.  How else do you explain THE SMURFS?

Thank goodness, too, because those armies of little tykes are likely going to be the core audience of this flick, titled (appropriately if still bizarrely enough) TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES.    Suffice it to say, given its main demographic, the plot of this flick isn't exactly byzantine.  To wit, we follow the travails of improbably hot NYC journalist April O'Neil (Megan Fox) as she tries to make a name for herself at her local paper by breaking a big story - ANY story.  So long as she doesn't get stuck covering yet another public Aerobic Marathon in downtown Manhattan.  Can't say I blame the poor lass.  But, hey, she looks like Megan Fox so it can't all be doom and gloom, right?  

In case you're wondering what story our hottie reporter wants to reveal to the world, it's the identities of several, um, vigilantes whom she's noticed fighting back against the criminal organization terrorizing the city.  Problem is, April has only caught fleeting glimpses of these mysterious individuals on her SmartPhone.  When she attempts to explain her "vigilante" theory to her editor, Bernadette Thompson, Bernadette basically gives April a withering look that essentially tells her to "get a clue."  And since Bernadette is played by Whoopi Goldberg, you know that's some serious stink-eye action.   Sure enough, April hightails it back to her desk to work on more coverage of bimbos in workout gear.  

Things take a turn for the better (relatively speaking) when April has an actual run-in with the mystery avengers (not to be confused with the actual human ones from that other franchise).  Turns out there are four of them, and they are:  (1) turtles, (2) who are teenagers, (3) who are also obviously mutants because they are as big as linebackers, and (4) they are also, erm, ninjas.  My heart goes out at this point to April because she gets the same "oh my god my head has been sooooooo mindfucked" look that I got when I first heard about these knuckleheads years ago.   Her response, appropriately enough, is to faint the fuck out.  

Unfortunately, when she comes to, she discovers that she wasn't dreaming the whole thing  and, yes, she is still surrounded by the turtles who are teenagers who are also mutants who are also trained in the art of Ninjitsu.  Unlike me, however, after that initial brain-freeze April quickly gets on board with the notion that these four freaks could actually exist and live in the bowels of the Manhattan subway, feasting on nothing but pizza.  That last culinary bit is completely apropos because, apparently, our four gifted, sword-flinging, shell-wearing warriors are basically, well, Guidos. 

They are:  (1) Leonardo (voice of Johnny Knoxville); (2) Donatello (voice of Jeremy Howard); (3) Raphael (voice of Alan Ritchson); and (4) Michelangelo (voice of Noel Fisher).  Now, given that these four pizza-scarfing goons look essentially the same and are only differentiated by the color of their masks, which is often hard to make out amidst all the action, it was hard for us to pin down who exactly was who.  All I know is "The Smart One" wears glasses and is your basic sexy nerd; "The Born Leader" is the one who rallies and inspires the others; "The Rebel Without A Clue" is the one who goes around bitching and moaning about everything; and "The Horny Sleazoid" is the one who keeps trying to mack on April.  As if he had a shot in hell of tapping that.  

Anyhow, Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo team up with April and her dork-ass cameraman (Will Arnett) who has a name that actually seems more suitable for either an accountant or a geeky porn star: Vernon Fenwick.  The five of them try to find out exactly what the criminal mob terrorizing the city is after - and who is leading it.  Is it the  mysterious billionaire named Eric Sacks (William Fichtner)?  Or the equally-mysterious dude named Shredder (Tohoru Masamune)?  And what role does a rat named Splinter (voice of Tony Shalhoub), who is basically a cross between Morpheus and Yoda, have in the whole mess?  

Whatever.  I just want to know what kind of toppings these four doofuses like on their pizza...


BUT SERIOUSLY:  As we discussed above, I was never really into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was growing up - unlike my brother who loved them.  I did find them amusing on the few occasions I caught the cartoons on TV, or observed my brother playing the Nintendo games.  Bottom line - I am not too familiar with the mythos behind these characters.  And when creating a cinematic adaptation of a TV show or video game, you need to walk the fine line between giving the core audience (the original fans) what they want - and also making the story fathomable to the new and uninitiated.  

On that score, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES stumbles.  There's just way too much complex backstory here, and its not really presented in the most graceful way possible.  Rather than feeding us the information in a way that makes sense, we get twists and plot reveals midway through the film that raise more questions than they answer.  Of course, this is not an issue to someone who is familiar with the TV show and the video games.  However, anyone new to the proceedings (like us) will be a bit confused.  

Ultimately, though, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES is skewed towards kids - and maybe why that's why director Jonathan Liebesman, producer Michael Bay, and their writers settled for a somewhat sloppy narration.  After all, kids aren't going to care about the finesse of storytelling.  For the rest of us, however, this film will be considerably less dazzling and more contrived.

While it is technically competent and has some bright spots here and there, it doesn't really do anything new, and instead retreads some plot elements from recent superhero films.  April O'Neil's pursuit of the shadowy turtle vigilantes feels too much like fellow journalist Lois Lane's (Amy Adams) investigation of the "Superman Urban Legend" in last year's MAN OF STEEL.  Also, an extended action sequence involving an 18-wheeler truck and a pursuing vehicle both slaloming down a snowy mountainside feels like a deleted scene from THE AVENGERS.  Finally, there is the climax which anyone who saw THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN in 2012 will recognize as blatantly unoriginal:  it is essentially the same final confrontation involving a weaponized virus that is being released into the atmosphere from the top of a Manhattan skyscraper - except this time during the day instead of night.  

In the end, one of the few things that gives TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES a passing grade is the charm of Megan Fox as April O'Neill.  Fox is a better actress than she is often given credit for.  It's nice to see her playing a role that depends more on quick wits and resourcefulness than sex appeal, and she is equal to the task.  Will Arnett provides some nice snarky humor as April's sidekick, Vernon Fenwick.  As the title quartet, Johnny Knoxville, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, and Alan Ritchson lend their solid vocals to bring the turtles to life.  Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo tend to blur together because of the action, but they share a warm rapport amongst themselves and with April that, sadly, goes unexplored in this installment.  

Perhaps the sequel will do a better job of fleshing out the turtles and their mythology.  For now, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES is passable entertainment.  And for hardcore fans and kids, maybe a little more.  

# 556 - GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (2014)

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (2014 - SCI-FI / ACTION / COMEDY) ***** out of *****  OR  10 out of 10

(Now that's what I'm talking about...)

 

CAST:   Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Bradley Cooper (voice), Vin Diesel (voice), Michael Rooker, Lee Pace, Djimon Hounsou, Karen Gillan, Glenn Close, John C. Reilly. 

DIRECTOR:  James Gunn

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and pretty compelling reasons to go Guardian - straight ahead...

 

IT'S LIKE THIS:   In the pantheon of superheroes, we have the stiff-and-noble (Steve Rogers/Captain America), the arrogant-and-douchey (Tony Stark/Iron Man), the shy-and-nerdy (Peter Parker/Spiderman), the macho-and-burly (Thor/Thor), the dashing-and-courtly (Clark Kent/Superman), and the dark-and-brooding (Bruce Wayne/Batman).  I don't think we've ever had one who is, well, a bit of a doofus, though.  Until now.  Our next review is GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, and let's just say its "hero" is, shall we say, one of a kind. 

He is Peter Quill, and just imagine Han Solo from STARS WARS fused with Cartman, Stan, Kenny, and Kyle from SOUTH PARK - then maybe you can begin to imagine the, uh, uniqueness of our boy Pete.  Like Han Solo, Peter drives a beat-up junker of a space ship and roams the galaxy doing all sorts of odd-jobs and dirty work.  And like Mr. Solo, Peter travels, uh, solo and does have a bit of the rogue's charm to him - if a little bit more on the doofus side.  Oh, and like our boys from SOUTH PARK, Peter is a complete nutball.  And I LOVE the guy! LOVE HIM!

Anyhow, turns out Peter was abducted from Planet Earth when he was, like, 10 and ended up working for an interplanetary thug named Yondu Udonta (Michael Rooker).  Seems Yondu needs people to work as staff on his ship, so he goes around taking people from their home planets and subjugating them for his sweat shops as cheap labor.  Or something.  So, maybe that partially exlains Peter's rather unorthodox personality.  I should also add that Peter has a "hero name" that he goes by: Star Lord.  Only problem is he can't get anyone to call him that - most likely because it's gay as hell.  And coming from someone who used to run around with a glittering cape when he was a kid, and used to call himself Sparkle Master, I know what I'm talking about. 

Anyhow, our story gets started in earnest when Peter, doing another odd-job, lands on some wasteland planet to retrieve some special orb.  Unfortunately, it turns out that this orb is kind of like the first photos Baby William: hot property.  Sure enough, other factions come-a-callin' for said orb. 

They include: (1) Rocket (voice of Bradley Cooper), a racoon who is like a skinny version of my cat Guido but with more attitude; (2) Groot (voice of Vin Diesel), a walking tree who knows only three words - "I. Am. Groot." - which makes him not the best conversationalist in the world; (3) Ronan The Accuser (Lee Pace), some blue dude who obviously wants to give Darth Vader a run for his money; (4) Gamora (Zoe Saldana), hot-as-lava adopted daughter of Ronan who may or may not be as evil as her adoptive dad, and who can't decide whether to bitch-slap Peter or fuck him - or both; (5) Nebula (Karen Gillan), Ronan's natural daughter who is definitely every bit as evil (and blue) as her natural father, if not more; and last but certainly the ugliest: (6)  Ol' slave labor guru Yondu Udonta himself - who is just a little bit pissed off that his "adopted son" Peter has thrown him under the Millenium Falcon.  Well, you know what I mean. 

At any rate, it becomes clear that Ronan and Yondu really, really, REALLY want that fucking orb.  It becomes even more clear that Peter is going to have to take on some allies if he wants to (A) keep the orb out of the wrong hands and (B) deliver it to someone who can pay him a ton of whatever currency they use in the future for it and (C) stay alive the whole time.  Sure enough, he finds himself teaming up with the aforementioned Rocket, Groot, Gamora, and a goon from a galactic jail house named Drax (Dave Bautista), who is as big as an ox and almost as smart.  Together, this dysfunctional fivesome must find a way to protect the orb from Ronan and Yondu - and save the universe somehow? 

But can they all get along?  Will they cooperate long enough to accomplish their mission?  Will Peter and Gamora finally succumb to their chemistry and just fuck the shit out of each other already?  Will Rocket and Groot keep from stealing the orb for themselves?  Will Drax ever get a goddamn sense of humor and stop taking things so literally?  And what master plan does Ronan and Yondu have for the Orb?

Hard to say.  All I know is that Orb better be able to do some seriously cool shit - like fix a mean eggplant-and-kale omelet and do laundry and empty out the kitter litty box and pick up drycleaning.  Saving the universe is just not enough anymore. 

 

BUT, SERIOUSLY:  Put simply, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY is the best movie of the summer - and the best film of 2014 so far.  Even better than DIVERGENT, THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2, and THE FAULT IN OUR STARS.  This film is the perfect combination of action, spectacle, humor, and heart.  Equal credit must go to a script that finds the perfect tone of snarky and sweet, and a cast of game performers to bring some very vivid roles to life.  I predict it will be the highest-grossing film of the summer.  We saw this film on its first night in release, and you could just feel the audience eat it up, with applause ringing out at the end.  And I have to say I was probably the one with loudest laughter in a sea of loud laughter. 

That's not to say GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY doesn't have serious tones, though. It does - but it also knows how to deploy gravitas without weighing down the rhythm of the film.  That's harder than you think.  Fortunately, the stars (no pun intended) aligned with the making of this movie, as there is never a misstep anywhere in sight.  Everyone is in top form, and everything is pitch-perfect. 

I don't want to go too in-depth when discussing GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.  It's better for you folks to discover it on your own.  Believe us, it is worth it.  In closing, I must pay kudos to director James Gunn, his writers, and crew for crafting a film that is one hell of an unforgettably exciting and funny roller-coaster.  Equal praise goes to Chris Pratt (who finally takes confident hold of a leading man role and aces it wonderfully), Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Michael Rooker, Lee Pace, Djimon Hounsou, and Karen Gillan for their spot-on portrayals of sharply-drawn characters.  Bradley Cooper and Vin Diesel also provide excellent voice support in two of the more memorable roles in the Superhero Genre. 

All that's left to say before urging you to go see this film is this:  we CANNOT WAIT for the sequel...  : )

# 555 - LUCY (2014)

LUCY (2014 - SCI-FI / ACTION / THRILLER) ***1/2 out of *****  OR  7 out of 10

(That's the last time I ingest blue crystals at a party...)

 

CAST:   Scarlett Johansson, Min-Sik Choi, Morgan Freeman, Amr Waked, Julian Rhind-Tutt, Pilou Asbek, Jan Oliver Schroeder, Luca Angeletti, Analeigh Tipton.

DIRECTOR:  Luc Besson

WARNING:  Some SPOILERS and more reasons to try to tap into the unused 90% of your brain, straight ahead....

 

IT'S LIKE THIS:   There's that old trope that goes: "Humans only use 10% of their brains."  The theory is that if we could somehow unlock the other 90% and tap into it, we'd be able to do things like - oh, I don't know - predict the winning lottery numbers for next week, rip someone's clothes off just by thinking about it, walk through a burning building unscathed, solve complex mathematical problems in a second, and essentially be Superman fused with Albert Einstein mixed with a little Maleficent sprinkled with God. 

Whether or not it's actually true is another matter.  I have several friends who think it's utter bullshit and that the movies perpetrate this notion that we only utilize a tiny sliver of our mental capabilities in order to sell tickets to flicks like LIMITLESS, X-MEN, HANNAH, CARRIE, SCANNERS and THE MEDUSA TOUCH.  Now, please add to that list of movies about people with super-mental abilities our next review, the delightfully bizarre opus, LUCY.  Lest you start thinking this movie is about the bitchy, ball-busting character from the Peanuts comics, allow me to burst your bubble.

For starters, the Lucy in this flick is blond, looks like Scarlett Johansson, and is your basic dingbat American party girl overseas (this time, in Hong Kong).  And, just like any dingbat American party girl overseas, she gets pulled into some seriously heinous shite because she's busy thinking with her tits and ass instead of her head.  In this case, Lucy gets conned by a fat asshole acquaintance from one of last night's parties named Richard (Pilou Asbaek) into delivering a brief case to a mysterious dude named Mr. Jang (Min-sik Choi).  Turns out Mr. Jang is really more like Mr. Drug Dealer Who Is Marketing Some New MindFuck Drug Who Needs A Mule To Transport His Doobage And Oh Look Here's Lucy Now How Convenient. 

Before you know it, Richard is dead and Mr. Jang and his smelly, slimy cronies are forcing Lucy and two other tragic cases (Jan Oliver Schroder, Luca Angeletti) to have bags of this new drug (comprised of blue crystals that look like Pop Rocks) sewn up into their tummies so that Customs won't be able to detect them.  Unfortunately, Lucy's bag springs a leak and the drug seeps out into her system.   Turns out this drug allows you to tap into the other 90% of your brain which is - allegedly - unused.  And just like that, Lucy goes from Dingbat American Party Girl Overseas to Super-Smart Super-Strong Super-Scary Super Being. 

To wit, because Lucy ingested the Blue Pop Rocks, she can now do the following:  1) do math in her head really quick (I mean, REALLY quick); 2)  read really, REALLY fast; 3) read people's thoughts; 4) slam people against walls just by looking at them; 5) make awful things happen just by thinking about it; and 6) look really, REALLY sexy the whole time.  As you can imagine, this isn't so much a 180 from who she was before, as much as it is complete implosion. 

Both amazed and terrified by her newfound abilities, Lucy hightails it to Paris, where she desperately tries to track down neuroscientist Professor Norman (Morgan Freeman).  Apparently, Prof Norman is one of the leading espousers of the "We Only Use 10% Of Our Brains, I Tell You!" faction.  And she needs him to help her try to manage her new powers. 

But is that even possible?  Will Lucy's abilities consume her?  Will she actually be able to control them?  Or is the world pretty much screwed?  What can Professor Norman do to help her?  And what about the handsome French cop named Del Rio (Amr Waked) who gets pulled into the fray?  Will he survive Lucy's powers?  And what happens when Mr. Jang tracks her down in Paris?  Will a smackdown of CARRIE-like proportions (times ten) ensure? 

Either way, there goes the Eiffel tower...

 

BUT SERIOUSLY:  Whether or not humans truly only use 10% of their brains and could accomplish infinitely more if they could tap into the other 90% remains to be seen.  What is certain, though, is that cinema has been fascinated with this concept for a long time.  In THE MEDUSA TOUCH (1978), Richard Burton played a novelist who had the ability to bring tragedy, misfortune, and catastrophe on his enemies simply by thought - just like CARRIE from two years earlier in 1976.  In SCANNERS (1981), Michael Ironside and Jennifer O'Neill played gifted individuals - "scanners" - who could not only read other people's thoughts but also fatally control their neurological and biological functions, even from far away.  Recent movies using this "superhuman" concept include LIMITLESS, the TV show HEROES, the X-MEN franchise, and essential most superhero movies.

Now, we have LUCY - and it fills somewhat of an odd niche in the pantheon of this sub-genre.  It is not a horror film like CARRIE, or psychologhical thriller like THE MEDUSA TOUCH or SCANNERS.  Nor is it a straightforward action/thriller like LIMITLESS, or a superhero film like the X-MEN movies and others of its kind.  Instead LUCY is almost a blend of character study and chase film tropes, mixed in with equal doses of action and more surreal elements.  The fact that French auteur Luc Besson (THE PROFESSIONAL, LA FEMME NIKITA) is directing should tip you off that LUCY isn't going to be your average summer action flick.  Indeed, this film is very "European" in its refusal to be conventional and its consistent choice to be quirky and atypical.

Whether or not you ultimately enjoy LUCY will depend on how open of a mind you decide to keep while watching this film.  True to Besson fashion, it starts out in the offbeat lane - and pretty much stays there as it barrels forward like a rocket to its unpredictable conclusion.  Kudos must go to Scarlett Johansson for giving us a quick impression of Lucy before she "changes."  Johansson puts us firmly in the character's camp from scene one, giving the impression of a smarter-than-she-looks-or-knows girl who is just adrift and waiting to find herself.  I know many young people like that - just waiting to tap their inner potential.  With Lucy, it happens on both a stunningly literal and figurative level.  

She isn't adrift for long, because her encounter with the drug ring that leads to her exposure to the "super-drug" brings every thing into razor-sharp focus for the rest of the movie.  In fact, after the transformation begins, Johansson's acting is conveyed mostly in penetrating, quizzical looks that are somehow both expressive and enigmatic, at the same time.  For this role, Besson needed an actress that could command attention with little to no dialogue, and Johansson delivers on this score.  However, when it comes to dialogue, Johansson proves to be no slouch in that department, either, especially in a scene where she calls her mother back in the States and attempts to explain her newly-heightened state of being.  It's a hypnotic, heartbreaking scene - and Johansson nails it.  Morgan Freeman, Amr Waked, and Min-Sik Choi all lend able support to Johansson, but this is her show all the way. 

It will be easy for some to dismiss LUCY as an "eye-candy" action movie.  While there is indeed a lot of technical and visual razzle-dazzle on display here, Besson and his writers manage to weave in some suprisingly profound commentary on consumerism, materialism, and superficiality.  Some of these are so subtle that you may overlook them completely - but they are there.  Essentially, LUCY boils down to a simple idea: maybe the reason humans can be so petty, small, and selfish is because they are only able to use a fragment of their consciousness.  Perhaps, if we were to be able to grow "mentally" and reach a higher state of enlightenment, we would know how to truly live.  Maybe we just need to "wake up" the way Lucy has.  Pretty heady stuff for what was marketed as yet another summer action flick.

In the end, LUCY ends on a note that is a tad less strong than what it started with, veering into some truly abstract territory.  Nevertheless, it is still a solid, exhilarating, unusual ride.  One that has what is probably the most trenchant message to be found in any film this summer: live now - but know exactly what you are living for.