(You don’t have to have balls to appreciate, uh, balls… soccer balls, that is…)
CAST: Sima Mobarak-Shahi, Shayesteh Irani, Ayda Sadeqi, Golnaz Farmani, Mahnaz Zabihi, Safdar Samandar.
DIRECTOR: Jafar Panahi
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a bunch of really determined female soccer fans - straight ahead…
Remember BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM (review # 184) from our first Soccer/Football Flick Week back in December? Remember how our heroine Jezminda (Parminder Nagra) had to not only fight against the inherent sexism of organized sports to pursue her love of football, but also the traditions of her very old-fashioned Sikh-Punjabi family that felt a woman‘s place is in the kitchen slaving over Aloo Gobi? Remember how hard she had to fight for the right to kick a football around a pitch and join a girl‘s team? Remember how she finally triumphed and got to go across the Atlantic to Santa Barbara on a football scholarship? Remember how I thought it would be cool if she could swing by GOAL (review # 185) hero Santiago Munez’s (Kuno Becker) family crib in East L.A. to wish his family well in a cool intermingling of two different, yet the same, movies?
Well, Jezminda’s struggles barely register on the Angst Scale when you contrast it with the battle of her soul sisters in our latest review, OFFSIDE. This movie is essentially cut from the same general cloth as BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, only not as polished or elegantly stitched. But that’s okay, because I heard the budget of this flick was, like, $2,000 or something. That was BEND IT’s catering service fee for just one day on the set, for crying out loud, and also GOAL’s hair budget for just one of Alessandro Nivola’s highlighting sessions. So we’re going to cut OFFSIDE some slack here.
Anyhow OFFSIDE revolves around… well, I’m not sure what her name is because the movie never tells us, but based on how desperate she is to get in to the film’s World Cup qualifying soccer match between Iran and Bahrain, we’ll call her... Soccer Chick # 1. Soccer Chick # 1 (Sima Mobarak Shahi) is Iranian and, just like her soul sister Jezminda back in rainy England, she loves football the same way some women love pink doilies and shopping. And she’s bound and determined to get in to the match to see her country spank Bahrain silly for the right to go on to the World Cup Tournament. Or is it the other way around.
No matter. The point is Soccer Chick # 1 has a greater chance of spotting Elvis at the local bazaar than getting in to see the game. Why, you ask? Well, let me explain: in Iran, you see, women are not allowed into sporting events. At all. Ever. No, sir. Look it up. Then, chalk it up to more of that “cultural conservatism” that also plagued Jezminda’s family in BEND IT. But at least Jezminda’s parents didn’t have her arrested for even thinking about attending a football match. Like I said, compared to Soccer Chick # 1’s travails, Jezminda ain’t got a fucking problem in the world. This doesn’t stop Iranian women, though. Apparently, a very small (very, very small) percentage of Iranian of them disguise themselves as dudes for the chance to sneak into a football stadium to watch the sport they were denied access to because of the mere fact they don’t have dicks.
Anyhow, on the day of the game, Soccer Chick # 1 takes a page from that playbook and dons one of those baseball caps with a dangling flap on the back that makes her look like a cross between a Hip Hop-loving pre-teen and a midget Sheikh. Unfortunately, there’s the added problem of her very feminine features, which she solves by… painting the flag of Iran on her cheeks. As if that’ll trick the military police into thinking she’s butcher than Russell Crowe. All together now: what… the… FUCK? Whatever. Who am I to judge Soccer Chick # 1. I’ve never had to sneak into a football (AKA soccer) game. I just had to give a few, uh, backrubs to some scalpers. European scalpers are a lot less into monetary payback than American ones. If you know what I mean. Thank God.
So… given that Soccer Chick # 1 knows she can be arrested for trying to sneak into the Iran vs. Bahrain World Cup qualifier, is she doing the right thing? What happens when she gets spotted by a sharp-eyed guard and is detained with other, uh, captured Soccer Chicks trying to pass themselves off as dudes? Will her hopes of seeing Iran win (or lose) go down the toilet? Will she wish she’d stayed at home to watch the match on TV? Or will Soccer Chicks # 2-5 (Shayesteh Irani, Ayda Sadeqi, Golnaz Farmani, Mahnaz Zabihi) all plot a way for her to get away and catch a few precious minutes of the game? Will the Head Guard (Safdar Samandar) take pity on them and let them free? Or is he just as much of a bastard as the rest of his squad? Will Iran win? Or Bahrain? Which country will go on to the World Cup?
See for yourself. Just don’t blame me if you come out of this flick with a deeper appreciation of football, equal rights, and the ability to talk back to authority figures without being pistol-whipped. It’s the American way.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for our first Soccer/Football Flick this week, MEAN MACHINE (review # 288), we talked about how almost an hour went by before a single character so much as looked at (let alone, kicked) a soccer ball. That, and the added fact that the eventual soccer action wasn’t exactly anything to write home about, prevented the film from rating any higher than above-average (***) in my book. Unlike GOAL, GOAL 2, and BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, the soccer dynamics in MEAN MACHINE just weren’t dynamic enough - or as present as they should’ve been.
OFFSIDE has even less soccer action. In fact, it has almost none. Except for very fleeting glimpses of the soccer field in the distance, with the tiny figures of the players running around, we don’t even see the game. You’d think, then, that this means OFFSIDE will suffer in the ratings the same way MEAN MACHINE did, because of the dearth and virtual absence of soccer kinetics. You would think that, but you’d be wrong.
You see, OFFSIDE is told from the standpoint of a handful of fictional Iranian women who are caught by the military after dressing up as men and trying to sneak into the crucial World Cup qualifying match between Iran and Bahrain in 2005. While these are movie characters, the Iranian practice of banning women from sports events is very real, apparently. The ladies end up being detained above the arena, with the field out of their sight. The only way they can experience the game is through the cheers of the crowd and the soldiers who are guarding them - but have moved to a position where they can see the game.
This technique of telling the story feels awkward, at first, and takes some getting used to. Then, it slowly becomes apparent that director Jafar Panahi’s decision to keep the game mainly in his heroines’ heads is more than just a practical, budgetary one: it’s the only way to effectively tell this story. Since our heroines cannot see the action, only hear it, we should experience the same thing. We need to see and hear through their eyes and ears. Think about how you’d feel if you were in their shoes: you risk arrest and imprisonment to get into a soccer match to cheer your own country - a country whose rules dictate that you should be discriminated against - and are denied that opportunity after a lot of effort. Then you’re threatened with the arrest and imprisonment you risked it all for.
Refreshingly, the women of OFFSIDE don’t let this get them down. They remain spirited, feisty, and determined throughout their detainment. At one point, they even beg the guards to give them a running commentary of the game. They also come up with other clever plans to out-fox their captors. In some ways, this movie reminds me a little of THE BREAKFAST CLUB with sports thrown in: we have six women detained in a confined space by authority figures who they clash with, before gradually growing sympathetic to one another - as a crucial World Cup qualifying game plays just out of sight.
Another reason we don’t mind the football/soccer action only being heard and not seen, is because of the unfamiliar and unfortunate scenario we are thrust into. In the Western World, no one would give a second thought to a woman entering a soccer stadium. In Iran, it’s enough to arrest and imprison her. To say this is outrageous would be a severe understatement, and you don’t expect such heinous discrimination against women to exist in the 21st century - but there it is, folks. If OFFSIDE isn’t enough to make the average sports fan (especially the female ones) appreciate the right and freedoms we have, then nothing can.
What’s great about OFFSIDE, though, is the very thing I mentioned before: just like its cast, the movie retains a light-hearted feeling that downplays the inherent seriousness of the circumstances these women face. They remain cheeful, cunning, and rambunctious, and it’s an infectious vibe. While they may be victimized by their sexist society, they are certainly not victims. The cast of unknown Iranian actors and actresses put forth both the glee and gravity of their roles, making the movie enjoyable and not unpleasant.
In the end, OFFSIDE is a solid film that reminds us of an important fact: not everyone can enjoy the “beautiful game” of soccer/football as easily as the rest of the Western World. For some, catching just a few glimpses of a match is tantamount to putting your neck on the line. If that’s not enough to make you appreciate soccer more, then you must not be a fan.
Oh, and one last note: this movie was filmed at the actual Iran-Bahrain World Cup qualifier in 2005. All that cheering and game play that you hear offscreen is real, folks... Gives me chills...
