(The match is indeed great. The road to it? Not so much…)
CAST: Atibou Aboubacar, Adalberto Jr., Ahmed Alansar, Abu Aldanish, Tano Alansar,
DIRECTOR: Gerardo Olivares
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and a bunch of really laid-back rural soccer fans - straight ahead…
If there’s anything I’ve learned from our latest review, the National Geographic Meets ESPN saga called THE GREAT MATCH, it’s that you can always count on soccer/football to defuse the natives. Put it this way: if you’re some Indiana Jones-type adventurer, and you find yourself running afoul of a bunch of Mongolians, Amazonians, or Saharans, all you gotta do is bust out the World Cup knowledge - and those mo-fos will be eating out of your hands.
Consider this strategy: if the Mongolians / Amazonians / Saharans approach you with machetes or spears, all you gotz to do is say (with the help of the translator you hopefully brought with you otherwise you're fucked): “Okay, you camel-riding fuckers, riddle me this: in 1982, when Italian captain Paolo Rossi led his fratellos to World Cup Victory, what two other trophies did he win? Quick, bitches. I’m timing you.”
You can bet those schmucks will drop their weapons and huddle together to come up with an answer, prontissimo. While you stand around and impatiently tap your feet, while glaring at your watch. And when they finally come up with the right answer and say: "The Golden Boot and the Golden Ball awards!", you can roll your eyes and say: “Muthafuckas, please. It took you guys almost three minutes to come up with that answer. And you call yourselves football fans? Get the fuck out of my sight and go play basketball with your camels or your donkeys or whatever the fuck you rode in on.”
Then the Mongolians/Amazonians/Saharans will run off crying like little girls who got shut out of a Barbie Doll Theme Party. And you can go back home to the comfort of civilization to say that, yes, soccer saved your life from a bunch of big, bad savages overseas. Thank gosh the sport appeals to everyone - even those folks in remote corners of the world who have yet to learn the art of trimming their nostril hairs and taking proper baths, but somehow instinctively know the difference between a sweeper, a striker, and a wingback.
THE GREAT MATCH follows three fictional groups of rural folk like the above from all around the world as the clock counts down to the Germany vs. Brazil World Cup final in 2002 that I lost $50 bucks on because I was a loyal idiot and bet on Ze Fatherland - instead of The Land Of the Brazilian Wax And Women Who Don‘t Mind Backdoor Action. Whatever. I’m not bitter. I got it back in the form of a shitload of beer.
Anyhow, we follow a tribe of Mongolians, a posse of Amazonians, and a gaggle of Saharans as they squabble mostly about anything besides football. Remember how I mentioned it took forever for MEAN MACHINE to get to the soccer action? Well, this flick makes that one look like it hit the ground running from the start. Let’s just say I will never think of Mongolia again without imagining a land full of bickering, cranky people.
At some point, our rural heroes decide to stop arguing and decide to, you know, watch some fucking football. They all do this by somehow scoring ancient televisions. The only problem is a TV is only half the battle. You also need this thing called, you know, electricity to make the goddamned thing run. Given that our heroes live in the ass-ends of the Earth, how are they going to accomplish that? Will they be able to see the outcome of the World Cup 2002 match? Or are they pretty much going to have to go back to arguing with each other?
Please, god. No. Anything but that.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Last December, as part of our first Soccer/Football Week, we reviewed the lovely and wonderful THE CUP (review # 190), which followed a group of football-loving monks in an isolated monastery high in the Northern India mountains. We saw how those resourceful men found a way to rent a satellite dish and watch the climactic match between France and Brazil at the 1998 World Cup. THE CUP put forth a clear and potent message: football is universally loved - and its fans are often the most passionate and determined in the world who come from everywhere and all walks of life.
THE GREAT MATCH essentially tells the same story, but breaks up the protagonists into three groups: the Mongolians, the Amazonians, and the Saharans. We follow these three groups as the World Cup 2002 final draws closer and closer. Unfortunately, unlike THE CUP, which weaved a hypnotic spell that combined a message about finding inner peace through simplicity along with the need to pursue your passions, THE GREAT MATCH is a lot less focused and meanders aimlessly until it comes to life during the climactic viewing of the Germany vs. Brazil finals. By then, it’s almost too little, too late.
Billed as a comedy, I didn’t really find much that was funny in this movie. Mostly, I kept wishing they’d actually talk about football and not whatever petty issues they were so focused on. Many quarters rate this film highly. Frankly, I thought it was a chore to sit through. The only reason it scores an average is because the scenes where everyone finally sits down and watches the World Cup finals have the electrical charge of excitement that accompanies all soccer games. Also, at its core THE GREAT MATCH has a strong message: it doesn’t matter what country you go to - you will always find someone who is a football fan.
It’s just too bad director Gerardo Olivares didn’t pick up the pace a bit. Olivares apparently has directed a few National Geographic episodes - and it shows. He’s far too concerned with the intricacies of each group, that he forgets this is supposed to a film about football. The result is a first and second act that drag relentlessly. Fortunately, as I mentioned before, the third act somewhat saves the film from becoming a below average experience. This is where the football action finally kicks in (albeit on TV) and we see the characters’ strong reactions to it.
In the end, THE GREAT MATCH is a highly overrated flick that would’ve been stronger if its director had remembered to tie in football/soccer to the events of the story in a more vivid way. Less patient viewers may never get to that strong third act. But it’s almost worth the wait.
Your call. Personally, I’d rather see THE CUP again.
