(I didn't think it was possible to make a crappy movie set in Italy. I was wrong. So wrong. So very, very wrong.)
CAST: Marisa Tomei, Robert Downey Jr., Bonnie Hunt, Fisher Stevens, Joachim De Almeda, Billy Zane, Adam Lefevre, John Benjamin Hickey.
DIRECTOR: Norman Jewison
WARNING: SPOILER and severe nausea-inducing factors straight ahead.
You'd have to search hard and dig deep to find a romantic comedy with a heroine dumber and more annoying than the waste-of-space-specimen heading up the cast of characters of ONLY YOU, Norman Jewison's beautifully-photographed Italian travelogue-cum-train wreck. Actually, that's doing her and the movie far too much justice. Faith Corvatch (Marisa Tomei) isn't even a half-baked character. Not even a quarter-baked. Hell, I think she's pretty much still all dough. It's as if someone took all the obnoxious character traits of your typical romantic comedy heroine - and all the obnoxious romantic comedy traits - and dumped them into this "script." Somehow, all the positive traits were forgotten.
We first meet Faith in a classroom teaching Italian to a bunch of private school kids. This is actually a very horrifying prospect because: (1) Faith, a supposed educator, is filling the students' heads with crap about destiny and soul mates and other stuff that most of us stopped believing in back in junior high, and (2) they will quite likely somehow retain some of this bullshit, even with the "did this bitch actually graduate from college?" looks they give each other.
Turns out that Faith has pretty much been a whackjob her whole life - and all because she knows who her, ahem, "soulmate" is supposed to be. See, when she was, like, twelve or something she and her brother used a Ouija board and asked it who she would marry. That answer is not Robert Redford, or Kevin Costner, or Russell Crowe, or Chris Evans - but the decidedly unknown "Damon Bradley." Which has got to be the most boring name ever. Later the same year, a five-and-dime gypsy at the local carnival tells Faith the same thing, and this is enough of a second opinion for her to basically chuck aside any grains of salt she might have had on the side as a precaution.
But time passes - as time does - and Faith grows up to be the lunatic teacher that we witnessed in the classroom, spreading bullshit about how "the gods cut us in half - split us right down the middle - and now we must find our way back to each other." Right. Clearly someone has been having too many SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE/WHEN HARRY MET SALLY marathons. But instead of taking it all as just entertainment, she took that shit as if it were a training video on how to humiliate yourself in pursuit of an impossible ideal.
We find out that Faith is engaged to be married to Dwayne, a podiatrist who's quite boring. We know this because: (1) he looks boring, (2) he acts boring, (3) he talks boring, and (4) he even moves boring. Oh, and he might be somewhat of a prick to boot, because he conspires with his mom to have Faith wear her old wedding gown - without Faith knowing until very late in the game. Hence the "conspires" part. Naturally, Faith takes this about the same way she'd take the news that her wedding will be presided over by Dr. Kevorkian. In other words, not well.
All these petty concerns go out the window, though, when Faith gets a phone call from an old friend of Dwayne's who says that he can't make the wedding because he's on his way to Venice on a business trip, and apologizes profusely for it. None of which would normally matter, because having friends not make your wedding is not exactly a deal-breaker. Except when you're Faith Corvatch - and the friend's name is... Damon Bradley. Then you go: (1) apeshit-crazy, (2) grab your sister-in-law Kate (Bonnie Hunt) who's having marriage issues with your brother, (3) and buy two tickets to Italy - where you proceed to stalk Damon from Venice to Rome to Positano on the Amalfi Coast. And if you're the audience, you either: (1) shake your head at the dumb and dumber antics of Faith, (2) wonder how such a smart gal like Kate could have married into such a intellectually-impaired family as the Corvatches, (3) try to get some pleasure (futilely) out of Robert Downey Jr., who shows up as an American tourist who (why?) falls for Faith, or (4) try to focus on the gorgeous Italian countryside, which would still look lovely even through a mud-spattered windshield.
Does Faith catch up with Damon? Does he turn out to be Mr. Right? Does Robert Downey Jr. provide a reason for his character to fall for such a hopeless loon like Faith? Does Kate finally have enough of the kindergarten antics of her sister-in-law and ditch her to go back to the States? Does Faith realize what a dingbat she is and marry the boring podiatrist as punishment? Find out for yourself - but make sure it's through a dollar rental.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: There are two things that almost keep ONLY YOU from sinking into the "crap zone": (1) the breathtaking Italian scenery, and (2) Bonnie Hunt's exquisitely nuanced performance as Kate, the sensible and sardonic foil to Maria Tomei's irritatingly naive and histrionic nitwit of a heroine. Unfortunately, I can (1) look at all the videos and pictures I have of Italy if I am jonesing for all things Italiano, and (2) if I am jonesing for Bonnie Hunt, I can watch JERRY MAGUIRE, a movie where she wasn't the only good thing. So, in short, ONLY YOU fails to ascend from the "crap zone."
With the exception of Kate's world-weary take on relationships, nothing about this film is realistic. Even with the fairly contrived conventions of the romantic comedy genre, ONLY YOU still manages to come across as utterly slapdash and artificial. The main problem is a main character who is utterly lacking in charm. Faith Corvatch is such a "head-in-the-clouds" whiner that whatever goodwill I had for her was completely gone before she even hit Italy. The character might have had a chance with someone like Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock or Meg Ryan playing her - someone who could make the character's flaws and foibles endearing. Unfortunately, as talented as Marisa Tomei is in most other roles (Ms. Tomei is an Oscar-winner and three-time nominee, after all), she just isn't cut out for this kind of role. When she tries to act all breathy and ethereal, she comes across as fake. When she tries to act feisty and formidable, she comes across as unlikable. Roberts, Bullock, or Ryan might have been able to manage the balancing act and keep audience sympathy, but Tomei - while exceedingly lovely - does not.
As Peter, the fellow yank who instantly falls for Faith, the normally-reliable Robert Downey Jr., is similarly unconvincing. It's never clear why Peter is knocked on his ass over her, and their interactions accordingly are both flat and false. What we have are two actors trying in vain to work with a story and characters that ultimately fail them both. Indeed, everytime Bonnie Hunt shows up as Kate, the two main stars suffer in comparison. And Hunt is not onscreen enough to redeem this film. Add to this the highly spurious message of the film - that if you just meet that "right person " everything will work out - and you basically have a film that is pat and artificial in all areas except for where Bonnie Hunt's character is concerned.
Pity... because that Italian scenery, and those Italians cavorting within it, are absolutely beautiful.
