(This is what happens when you get drunk and play musical chairs with specimen cups filled with cum - a game also known as "Jizz Roullette")
CAST: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Thomas Robinson, Juliette Lewis, Patrick Wilson, Jeff Goldblum.
DIRECTOR: Josh Gordon, Will Speck
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and inappropriate use of semen right up ahead...
THE SWITCH stars Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman, and is a love story. But not necessarily between the two of them - at least not at its core. While the film does deal superficially with Wally Mars's (Bateman) conflict over his hidden feelings for best friend Kassie Larson (Aniston), this movie is more than just about "a-love-that-dare-not-speak-its-name," which is a done-to-death romantic comedy staple and, unfortunately, a common headache in real life. Nope, this movie has a more unconventional angle and is really a love story between Wally and Sebastian (Thomas Robinson), Kassie's son. The "romance" is of a paternal nature, as Wally slowly starts to realize that the kid just might be - horrors! - his.
How the fuck could this have happened? Especially since Wally and Kassie have never, you know, fucked each other's brains out? (well, at least not in ten years) Glad you asked, young Jedis. See, Kassie was apparently approaching the dreaded 4-Oh as a Singleton and - I guess, having seen J. Lo's THE BACK-UP PLAN - figured that shoving a turkey baster filled with some stranger's well-studied cum up her coochie to kick-start her ovaries was a good idea.
However, when Wally offered to have her use his, um, batter she basically laughed and told him to get real. Reasons cited by Kassie for not wanting to employ Wally's "swimmers" include, but are not limited to: (1) he's neurotic, (2) hypochondriac, (3) stubborn, (4) argumentative, (5) sarcastic, (6) and turns into a Class-A Loon when drunk. In other words, my Dream Guy. But I'm not the one shoving up a turkey baster up my coochie. Well, you know what I mean.
Anyhow, not exactly finding the idea of a little Wally popping out of her womb a pleasant one, Kassie instead opts for the sperm of a Viking god named Roland Orensen (Patrick Wilson). Tall, blonde, gorgeous, and with biceps that you just want to rub olive oil on before pole-dancing with, Roland is a fucking hottie. Hell, I want to have his babies.
But, like I said before, I'm not the one playing "Pin the Cum-Filled Turkey Baster on the Coochie." It's Kassie - and to celebrate the event she throws a (I swear I am not making this shit up) an "insemination party." Complete with sperm-shaped confetti and a Viking helmet for Roland to wear when it comes time for him to - well, I'll just come out and say it okay? - jack off like a champ into a dixie cup, the affair is downright surreal and horrifying in equal measure. All I can say is: wow... and I thought I was kinky. Apparently, I ain't got nothin' on Kassie the Colossal Freak.
Unfortunately, Kassie's also made the colossal mistake of inviting Wally, who proceeds to do the following: (1) annoy Debbie (Juliette Lewis), Kassie's other best friend; (2) get drunk like the proverbial skunk, (3) meet Roland and (4) end up feeling inferior to him, so much so that (5) he fucks around with the sperm sample when he finds it in the bathroom, and (6) accidentally spilling the, um, goods down the sink, causing him to (7) jack off to Diane Sawyer's picture, leading to (8) an orgasm that's just big enough to replace the, uh, spilt spunk. So, basically, as Wally himself opines later to colleague Leonard (Jeff Goldblum), he hijacks Kassie's pregnancy. Got all that, or do you want the Power-Point presentation mailed to you?
So, long story short, Kassie unknowingly puts Wally's splooge into her turkey baster, does the deed, gets pregnant, then promptly tells the Wallmeister that she's moving back to Minnesota to raise the kid. But, naturally, Wally can't risk losing her by confessing that he: (1) not only loves her somethin' fierce, but also (2) switched Roland's Viking jism for his decidedly non-Viking own, which means (3) he is the father of her unborn child, which would probably (4) cause Kassie to rip his testicles off and replace his eyeballs with them. In other words, he just smiles through his pain and let's her move to Minnesota, while he stays in The Big Apple and loves her from even further.
Cut to seven years later, when Wally - who hasn't exactly been living on Cloud 9, emotionally - gets a call from Kassie out of the blue. She tells him that she and Sebastian - Wally's sperm which is now walking and talking - are moving back to NYC because of promising job offer at ABC. Yes, I forgot to mention that Kassie is some sort of reporter. Wally's so happy that he blows a load right in his pants - right there on Madison Avenue. Okay, not really. But the look on his face certainly suggests it.
So, Kassie and Sebastian return to the City That Never Sleeps. However, Wally's joy at meeting them for dinner is quickly dampened when he discovers that Sebastian is: (1) stubborn, (2) opinionated, (3) neurotic, and (4) generally a sarcastic bastard. Basically, it's like someone: (1) cloned Wally, then (2) shot him with that Shrinking Ray Gun from DESPICABLE ME, and (3) put this new miniature clone right across the dinner table from him. How's that for surreal?
This is the beginning of Wally's slow recovery of his memory from Kassie's insemination party seven years ago. With Leonard's help, Wally uncovers the shocking truth that... he's a fucking pig who shoved his erupting dick into a dixie cup to correct a drunken mistake that, evidently, resulted in Sebastian, AKA, Wally, Jr. This is also, however, the beginning of the love story between Wally and Sebastian, as the two bond and get to know each other in a way that every father and inadvertent son should. And, although he doesn't say it, you can see Wally also thinking about finally facing Kassie and turning that "love-that-dare-not-speak-its-name" to the "love-that-jumped-on-Kassie-and-spanked-her-ass-to-show-her-who-Daddy-really-is."
Unfortunately, something throws a huge (in more ways than one) monkey wrench into that little program of his: the arrival on the scene of Roland. Yes, our Viking sperm donor is now divorced from his wife and has set his sights on Kassie and what he thinks is his son. Never mind the fact that Roland and Sebastian look as similar to one another as Robert Redford and Jaden Smith. It seems that Wally's got some serious competition - and some serious explaining to do, real soon, if he wants Sebastian to know who his real Pops is.
How this all unfolds, I'll leave to y'all to uncover. I will say this, though: how Kassie could not be even just a tad suspicious, when Sebastian is basically a mini-me of Wally, is absolutely beyond me. I hope that ABC doesn't make her an investigative journalist, because how the fuck can she uncover any mysterious conspiracies when she's tripping over gigantic clues in her own house - and completely missing them?
Moral of the story: next time, don't make such a production of shoving a cum-filled turkey baster up your coochie, lady. Low key is, well, key.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Pleasantly offbeat and unconventional, THE SWITCH benefits greatly from the nice, easy rapport between Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston. Make no mistake, though: this is Jason Bateman's movie through and through - as it is really Wally's story, with Kassie more on the sidelines. Much like her role in LOVE HAPPENS (good movie, awful title), Aniston is a trigger for some of the plot's more important points, but spends more time in the background while her co-star's main story unfolds.
In this case, Wally's gradually-developing relationship with Sebastian is the emotional track that THE SWITCH moves assuredly on. All their scenes together are warm, funny, and touching. Watching the highly-structured and not a little neurotic Wally slowly realize that he's sired another life form is a joy to watch. Even more resonant is Wally's slow discovery that Sebastian is, well, a lot like him. There's nothing more joyous in life in than watching your children, nieces, and nephews display some of your (hopefully) more positive traits as they grow up. It's like part of your soul living on in them. The scene wherein Wally tells Sebastian about how he never knew his own father or what he was like - and the way that Sebastian responds in such a loving way that mirrors how Wally would have responded himself is a perfect example of this.
Indeed, watching Wally hold back his tears and emotions because he just might give away his secret love for his son is a bravura example of fine acting from Jason Bateman. This just proves what Kevin Costner once said: great acting isn't always about expressing an emotion - sometimes, the most heart-breaking thing to see is someone trying to hide or suppress a powerful emotion, especially love. All of Wally and Sebastian's scenes together prove that - they simultaneously lift you and break your heart.
As for the other main star, Jennifer Aniston is fine. Like Julia Roberts, she usually stays within a defined ranged of acting - but does it well. In her hands, Kassie is likable and engaging - although you do wish you knew a little more of her history with Wally. Fortunately, Aniston ably suggests hidden levels to their relationship that may not have been on the written page. Like the look she gives Wally one night when they are drinking wine on her couch - a look that suggests she's aware that they have potential as something more than friends, but may not necessarily have the courage to do anything about it. Aniston suggests all this without saying a single word and, as far as I'm concerned, it proves wrong her detractors that say she can't act.
Patrick Wilson does interesting things with the role of Roland. Ostensibly the "other man," Roland could easily have been an unlikable jerk with no nuance or dimension. Wilson, however, turns the character into a sympathetic blend of insecurity, bravado, and wounded pride. You can tell he really wants to make a success out of his relationship with Kassie after the disaster of his first marriage, even if it is - in the end - for the wrong reasons. Juliette Lewis is her usual kooky fun self as Kassie's blunt best friend, while Jeff Goldblum is downright hilarious as Wally's droll work pal, Leonard. We need Jeff Goldblum in more comedies, man.
But the best performance, after Jason Bateman's, goes to Thomas Robinson as Wally Jr., - er, excuse me, I meant to say Sebastian. Armed with the most melancholy and expressive brown eyes, Robinson takes a role that could have tried nerves - and turns it into a funny breath of fresh air. Most child characters in film are basically adults walking around in kid's bodies, and Sebastian could have easily come across as that in the hands of a more cloying and precious child actor. Instead, Robinson bravely plays all of Sebastian's rough edges, instead of smoothing them down. The result is a kid who is believably willful, intelligent, feisty, but also exceedingly sensitive and loving around those he trusts. I expect good things from Thomas Robinson in the future.
Bottom line: THE SWITCH is basically a Bro-mance - a love story between a difficult man and a difficult kid who, when they are together, are the easiest of soulmates. And it just might be one of the best love stories I've ever seen.
