(Here's a thought, jackasses: leave the fucking house. What's that? You lost the keys to the padlocked gate? Sounds like you disphits have a problem. Ta ta...)
CAST: Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Lilli Taylor, Owen Wilson, Virginia Madsen, Bruce Dern, Marian Seldes, Alix Koromvay, Todd Field.
DIRECTOR: Jan De Bont
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and the most unsubtle ghosts this side of hell, right up ahead...
When it was announced in the late 90's that producer Steven Spielberg planned to remake the 1963 horror hit THE HAUNTING, I was pretty stoked. I'm a fan of the THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE, the novel by Shirley Jackson that THE HAUNTING was based on. With a cast including proven leading man Liam Neeson, then-rising star Catherine Zeta-Jones, proven quirky talent Lilly Taylor, and then-rising comedian Owen Wilson, the remake looked like nothing could mar it.
Then they hired Jan De Bont to direct. De Bont was a cinematographer before making the jump to directing with 1994's surprise hit, SPEED, and it's not-so-surprise dud of a sequel, SPEED 2, in 1997. To be fair, SPEED 2 wasn't as bad as many have suggested. If anything, it's almost as kinetic and propulsive as the original film. Which is exactly why Jan De Bont should never have been allowed near the remake of THE HAUNTING. I shall explain later.
Basically, it's the same set-up as the 1963 film: Hill House is a mansion in New England with a sinister history of supernatural phenomena - the kind of place that whackjobs will drive hundreds of miles just to snap a picture of. Sometimes, those whackjobs have Ph. D's. The particular whackjob in question is Dr. David Marrow (Liam Neeson). Dr. Marrow, just like the original's Dr. Markway, is a scientist. However, unlike Markway, he doesn't want to study supernatural phenomena - he wants to stud y the psychology of fear. The only reason Hill House comes into play is that Marrow needs a suitably spooky place to conduct his experiment, which is: invite several subjects to Hill House for what is supposed to be an insomnia study - only he's really studying how spooked they are by the house and its stories.
If you're thinking this is just a tad unethical, and that Marrow is one of those colossal academic pricks who will do anything to get his name in a journal, then join me in anticipating the moment much later in the movie when Marrow will get his ass handed to him. Trust me - you'll enjoy it. Anyhow, the group of sleep-deprived dorks that have fallen for Marrow's schpiel are: (1) Eleanor Vance, a shy and lonely woman still mourning the death of her mother; (2) Theo, a blatantly bisexual beauty who is forever gazing upon Eleanor like she's a slab of Prime Rib; (3) Luke (Owen Wilson), a quip-a-minute hipster/slacker that you just can't wait to see iced; and (4) Todd (Todd Field), a guy who, well, he doesn't have much personality and ends up skipping the whole Hill House Beer Blast so let's not even worry about him, shall we?
Oh, and there's also Mary (Alix Koromvay), Marrow's assistant who is also the only other person who knows the not-so-good doctor is pulling the ol' bait-and-switch on these lab rats. Unfortunately, as soon as they arrive in Hill House, Mary starts to freak out a little. This could be due to either: (1) the house's ridiculously over-the-top decor/feng shui that offends the eye so much a blind person would run screaming from it; or (2) Mr. and Mrs. Dudley (Bruce Dern and Marian Seldes), the caretakers, are even creepier than the ones from the 1963 film; (3) Mary is feeling guilty for helping Marrow hornswaggle the unsuspecting group; or (4) Hill House is as fucking haunted as surely as Chris Evans is a smokin' hot slab of man-meat.
Turns out that # 4 is the case. Right in the middle of a particularly laughable hissy fit, Mary gets her comeuppance: the ghosts decide to teach her to be less of a drama queen - by slapping her in the face with piano wire. Boo-yah, bitch. Unfortunately, this just causes Mary to be even more of a drama queen, so Marrow rolls his eyes and commands Todd to drive her to the hospital. Todd, seeing the (ghost) writing on the wall, quickly agrees. As they drive off, Marrow yells, "I expect you to be back soonest!" Too bad he turns away too soon to see Todd and Mary's "Finger" salutes sticking out the window.
Suffice it to say, the rest of the film chronicles Hill House's attempts destroy the remaining quartet of Marrow, Theo, Eleanor, and Luke. Unlike the first film, though, which insisted on keeping the ghosts ambiguous and possibly a figment of the characters' imaginations, the remake basically turns them into a phantom version of A CHORUS LINE. If the ghosts were anymore visible and active, the fuckers would be doing high-kicks up and down the stairs while twirling batons and gargling tequila. It's all hilarious and great to look at - but it ain't scary.
Anyhow, Marrow does get his comeuppance when the others figure out that he duped them into thinking the whole thing was an insomnia study. To justify his deception, he gives Theo a high-minded and patronizing speech about how he did what he did to, ahem, find out "why people do what they do, why they feel that they feel." Needless to say, Theo cuts him off by slapping him. Obviously having heard this shit from Celine Dion before - and sung better.
Does Hill House kill 'em all? Do some of them make it out alive? Does Marrow get sued by the survivors for everything from manslaughter to wearing boring sweaters? Does Theo make a pass at Eleanor? Does Luke join them in a threesome? Should I go make a booty call because I'm getting horny? The answer to all these questions except the last one is: maybe.
The answer to the last question is: where did I put the fucking phone?
BUT, SERIOUSLY: What a missed opportunity. A classic source film just ripe for updating/reimagining, a talented and attractive cast, a producer named Steven Spielberg, and a generous budget. So what the hell went wrong? Well, for starters, they could have hired a director skilled in building atmosphere, dread, and mood. While Jan De Bont is definitely skilled at kinetic action and propulsive suspense, he is not a horror film director., and THE HAUNTING needed someone who could create a gradual build of terror, instead of desperate and misguided machine-gun bursts of noise and special effects to try to generate fear.
Too bad, because the script was half-way decent, incorporating potentially intriguing new elements as the covert psychological experiment on fear, and having Eleanor unravel the mystery of Hill House. Indeed, the character of Eleanor as written by David Self and portrayed by Lilli Taylor is a much more sympathetic person than the shrill and irritating version played by Julie Harris in the 1963 version. To be fair, back then Harris reportedly wanted to play Eleanor in a different manner, but director Robert Wise insisted on his own interpretation - which, evidently, is what we saw in the movie. Shame.
If the film has any kind of redeeming quality, it's the performances. Liam Neeson is a solid, if unremarkable, lead. Catherine Zeta Jones is very likable as Theo, the bisexual artist who senses the pain and loneliness in Eleanor and reaches to her in kindness and, perhaps, attraction. This possibility is supported by the rumor that a love scene between Theo and Eleanor was deleted to secure a PG-13 rating. I believe it, because the chemistry between Zeta-Jones and Taylor seems to hint at hidden fires left burning. Owen Wilson is welcome comic relief as Luke, and has some great lines. Finally, Lilli Taylor provides the only reason this film doesn't get a *1/2 (crap) rating. Her take on Eleanor is warm and appealing, and makes us want to root for her survival. Unfortunately, her climactic confrontation with the ghosts of Hill House are awkwardly staged and directed. Sigh.
In the end, what this remake needed was a director who understands horror films and the art of building fear. Instead, it got an action-movie director who tries to scare the audience by throwing things at them and screaming "BOO!" at the top of his lungs. Bad move. Oh, well...
