(All that trouble for… a fucking greenhouse?)
CAST: Gerard Depardieu, Andie MacDowell, Bebe Neuwirth, Greg Edelman, Robert Prosky, Ethan Phillips, Mary Louis Wilson, Lois Smith, Conrad McLaren.
DIRECTOR: Peter Weir
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some major Yank/Gallic clashes straight ahead…
The problem when you’re half-American, half-Nationality-That’s-Still-A-Developing-Nation, is this: your “Developing Nation” relatives will often come up hare-brained schemes to get you to help them receive American citizenship. Like asking you to, ahem, marry your cousin. “No one will know she’s your cousin! You’d just be married on paper only! As soon as she gets her Green Card, you can divorce her! And we’ll pay you.”
I don’t have to point out to you folks just on how many levels this shit is so wrong. At least a dozen, maybe even more. When you hear someone extend the above bat-shit offer to you, it’s a given that your jaw will hit the ground and stay there for a few minutes. Unless, of course, you’re a thorough dirtbag and have no scruples - and I’d like to think I have a few left. I know I’m no angel, but I also know I’m not a cousin-marrying sleazoid. Needless to say, my answer was pretty succinct: “No, you fucking insane person - and I don‘t care if you‘re my third-favorite Aunt, because you’re out of your goddamned mind. We will not discuss this ever again. Unless, of course, I have a cousin out there who looks like a Southeast Asian version of Chris Evans or Colin O’Donoghue - which I don’t. So forget it. Not for all the beer in Germany.”
Good thing I shot that shit down. Otherwise, I might’ve ended up in the same boat as the heroine of our next review, the INS-versus-illegal marrieds rom-com GREEN CARD. Our protagonist is the exceedingly lovely Bronte Mitchell (Andie MacDowell). Bronte is a NYC horticulturist (read: plant person) and has her eye on an apartment in a prestigious building (read: full of snobby assholes). Why would Bronte put herself in such a place willingly? Well, one major reason: the apartment has a solarium (read: greenhouse) in the middle of it. And for a horticulturist like the lovely Bronte, that’s kind of like me moving into an apartment with a fountain that magically spits out naked GQ models every few minutes. Match made in heaven.
There’s one problem, though: the building’s committee comprised of - you got it - snobby rich assholes wants a married couple to be the next tenants. Apparently, the last tenant was a bachelor who, shall we say, let the apartment’s greenhouse fall apart. Not surprising, because, being a bachelor myself, I can tell you unequivocally that if given the choice between sprinkling water on some plans, and sprinkling Neutrogena Body Oil on someone’s naked torso - those plants are not long to this world, folks. And given that Bronte’s boyfriend Phil (Gregg Edelman) is the kind of stick-in-the-mud who won’t fake a marriage to help his girlfriend get the apartment of her dreams, you can’t really blame the poor girl for looking elsewhere for a conspirator.
He turns up in the form of George Faure (Gerard Depardieu), a French tourist who has overstayed his visa in the US of A, and wants to remain here permanently. Through a mutual acquaintance, George and Bronte arrange to wed each other on paper only. The upshots? She’ll be able tell the building committee that she’s married, and will get her greenhouse. He will be able to upgrade from being an illegal alien to a newly-minted Yank - through a green card. Sounds like it can’t lose, right?
Wrong. So very wrong. Not long after the “ceremony” the INS (that’s Immigration and Naturalization Service) comes sniffing around and rightfully smells a potential steaming pile of bullshit in the general vicinity of Bronte and George’s marriage certificate. The agents (Ethan Phillips and Mary Louis Wilson) arrange to interview our faux newly-weds in Bronte’s flat to determine what’s what. And “what” is George can’t even tell them where the fucking bathroom is in the apartment that is supposed to be his home. If that’s not enough to make a suspicious INS agent arrange a more extensive follow-up interview at INS headquarters itself, I don’t know what is.
Now, faced with just two days to get their story straight and become intimately acquainted with one another, George and Bronte fairly freak out. Rightfully so. After all, there are some married couples who have been with each other for decades and still can’t determine what the other’s favorite color is. To say that our “lovebirds” have their work cut out for them is like saying James Franco has a nice ass: the understatement of the decade.
Will Bronte and George get their act together in time for that second interview? Or will they fumble it yet again? What happens when Bronte’s friend Lauren (Bebe Neuwirth) runs into them together? How will Bronte deal with the whole situation? Will she tell Lauren the truth? What about her real fiancee Phil? Will he shit three gaskets when he finds out his darling Bronte is actually already betrothed to a loud and rambunctious Frenchman? For that, matter will Bronte survive a weekend with George under the same roof?
Hard to tell. Just know that if I had to spend a weekend getting to know a handsome Frenchman, you wouldn’t hear a single complaint out of me. What say we smack some sense into Bronte?
BUT, SERIOUSLY: In our review for BLACK WIDOW (review # 258), we talked about how some films have such a sensual, feminine vibe to them. While BLACK WIDOW was a thriller with a potentially “masculine” premise (Federal agent pursues serial murderer, then falls under her spell), having two women in the roles changed the dynamic considerably. Director Bob Rafelson also gave the film an ethereal, dreamy touch that subtly accented the plot and complemented the complex characters. A lesser director might have given BLACK WIDOW a more gritty, “male” feel that would’ve betrayed the film and its leads.
The same surreal atmosphere is present in GREEN CARD. While this movie is as far removed from a thriller as you can get, it shares the same “femininity” that BLACK WIDOW has in abundance. New York as presented in this film feels like a place of serenity, what with all the use of vibrant shots of Central Park and Bronte’s lush greenhouse. The strong presence of Enya on the soundtrack further enhances the film’s mellow and other-worldly feel, making GREEN CARD a treat for the ears, as well as the eyes.
The leads are strong and have a solid chemistry. Physically, they are also very interesting to look at, with Andie McDowell’s coolly refined, statuesque beauty contrasting yet also clicking with Gerard Depardieu’s unconventionally handsome face and rugged physique. They could’ve easily played their roles as nothing more than a couple of stereotyped caricatures - the uptight patrician beauty and the boorish thug - but they flesh Bronte and George out into reasonably rounded characters, with different sides to them. McDowell’s ably suggests the sadness and uncertainty under Bronte’s cool, structured surface, while Depardieu expertly reveals George’s sensitive and tender side in little increments. By the end, these characters are as familiar and comfortable to us as a warm blanket.
The supporting cast is headed up by Bebe Neuwirth as Lauren, Bronte’s best friend. Neuwirth turns the character into a quirkily bohemian counterpoint to the more reserved Bronte, and Neuwirth meshes well with McDowell. As Bronte’s confused boyfriend Phil, Gregg Edelman is suitably square and bland, making it clear that George is a far more exciting, if also unexpected, choice for her. The confrontation between Phil and George in Bronte’s apartment, where George throws Phil out like a bag of trash, is sharp and funny.
My only quibble with GREEN CARD is just how easily the INS could’ve refuted George’s story about meeting Bronte in Africa, and about having spent a lot of time there before returning to New York. A simple check of their passports would’ve unraveled the whole thing in seconds. But if you can somehow suspend your disbelief on this plot point, you’ll find much to enjoy in GREEN CARD: its beautiful leads, that dream-like atmosphere, and Enya’s lovely music. This is the kind of movie that makes you want to move to New York.
