I present to you....
HORROR PLANET (1982 - HORROR/SCI-FI) **½ out of *****
(What is that monster's dick made out of? Glass? Are you fucking kidding me?)
CAST: Robin Clarke, Jennifer Ashley, Stephanie Beacham, Steven Grives, Barrie Houghton, Rosalind Lloyd, Victoria Tennant, Heather Wright.
DIRECTOR: Norman J. Warren
WARNING: SPOILERS and psycho pregnant women up ahead....
When I said I would review films from the HORROR/SCI-FI/ACTION genre this week, I also said that some of them would be classics, while others… not so much. HORROR PLANET decidedly belongs in the second category. Basically, my misplacement of my PREDATOR DVD has led to this movie being shoved into the spotlight like an unprepared understudy after the leading man breaks his leg. Tighten your seatbelts because it’s going to be strange ride. Because, first of all, this movie has just a many similarities with THE SHINING as it does with ALIEN. I shall explain…
Our saga opens on a shot of a strange-looking planet, with a voiceover from astronaut Kate Carson (Stephanie Beacham) giving us a brief Powerpoint presentation concerning her and her cohorts’ efforts to study the barren rock and investigate for signs of life. Based on her description, the planet is so inhospitable that it could never support life - or at least, life as we know it. Which makes one wonder what the fuck she and her friends are doing there to begin with. Whatever. At any rate, we shift to the interior of base, where it quickly becomes apparent that the set design budget was approximately $20 dollars. Still, the astronauts go about their business with a straight-faced seriousness that almost makes you forget that you and your friends could’ve come up with a more convincing facility using huge boxes from Best Buy and duct tape.
Turns out that this little operation is devoted to finding out more about the planet’s past. Mitch (Trevor Thomas) blathers on and on about the rock’s archaeological history, while Kate records everything on a mini-recorder that looks like it’s from 1982. Which it technically is, I guess. At any rate, other members of the cast, er, crew include: Mark (Robin Clarke), hunky American who dresses more like a WASP spending Sunday at the country club rather than an astronaut; Holly (Jennifer Ashley), gorgeous Eurasian-looking head of operations who is basically Ripley with a better rack; Sandy (Judy Geeson), a sweet and winsome (ha-ha, just you wait) Brit whom Mark is shagging vigorously; Gary (Steven Grives), a by-the-book chap given to saying such sensitive things as “Move, woman!” or “Can’t is a word I don’t understand!”; Gail (Rosalind Lloyd), the kind of silly biddy who believes in solutions that are more fucked-up than the problems (you’ll see); Barbra (Victoria Tennant), a pretty Brit who… well, she’s pretty and blonde - and that’s it folks; Sharon (Heather Wright), she’s pretty and red-haired and…. well, that’s all she wrote; and Karl (Barrie Houghton), a bald and creepy doctor who, well, is bald and creepy. There are also a bunch of other astronauts but they are not given any personalities or traits worth mentioning, except that they all possess the unerring capacity to become lunchmeat for the movie’s villain (and it’s not who you think - hee hee).
At any rate, while on a routine scouting mission outside the base, Mitch and Sandy are bum-rushed by what looks like a 6’5” guy wearing a cardboard box. Box-Man basically annihilates Mitch, then knocks Sandy out cold. When she comes to, she’s naked and lying on a lighted table. Just when you think that the movie has switched gears into SHOWGIRLS territory and we’re about to see Sandy leap to her feet and engage in a particularly cracked dance number, her legs spread to reveal the head of Box-Man - leering at her, um, box. Except he looks like a Giant Frog, too. With a glass dick. That he inserts between Sandy’s legs. Through which we see what I can only assume is a tidal wave of sperm roll through. Pray for Sandy’s ovaries, because that’s some mean-lookin’ cum right there. Meanwhile, Sandy writhes and moans and groans as Box-Frog-Man scores one for the home team. Then he promptly disappears to brag to his other Box-Frog-Buddies that, ahem, Earth girls are skanks. And when I say “disappear,” I do mean “disappear.” Yes, folks - this is the last that we see of the E.T. Casanova. Who then, do you ask, is the menace that will terrorize the crew and make them wish they‘d stayed home on the Big Blue Marble? Read on, grasshopper -er, tadpole.
Sandy awakens inside the base, the mind-blowing orgasm she had apparently living up to its hyperbole. She doesn’t remember a goddamn thing, which - as far as I’m concerned - cancels out the whole point of great sex. What good is it if you can’t reminisce, pontificate, and deconstruct it for years to come? But I digress… It’s quickly determined that Sandy is pregnant, which leads the entire crew to turn accusing eyes at Mark, who’s like: “That’s bullshit, okay? I pulled out every single time! Well, maybe except for that one night when we got drunk on that crap that Karl concocted in the lab.” But this is no ordinary pregnancy, because the fetus starts developing fairly quickly, leading the intrepid astronauts to posit three possible theories: (1) Mark is really Superman, and has impregnated Sandy with a Super-Fetus, (2) Karl injected Sandy with some Super-Sperm from his lab, or (3) Sandy was impregnated by a Box-Frog-Man with some mean-lookin’ cum - and their asses will soon be part of the planet’s history that they are so diligently studying (how’s that for things coming full circle?).
To make matters worse, the pregnancy makes Sandy crazy. No - you may think that you know what I mean when I say “crazy,” but let me respectfully assure you that you have no idea what I’m fucking talking about. By “crazy,” I don’t mean that she turns into a psycho-banshee-bitch-with-a-major-bug-up-her-hoo-hah who yells at people and devours entire shelves of pickles and ice cream. No - I mean she turns into a psycho-banshee-bitch-with-a-Box-Frog-Man‘s-schlong-up-her-hoo-hah who (literally) rips people’s heads off and (literally) devours their entrails and organs. In other words, Sandy turns into a super-strong, estrogen-driven, cannibalistic, space version of Jack Torrance from THE SHINING. Yup - I wasn’t kidding when I said that Box-Frog-Man pretty much checks out of his own movie and passes the baton of “Murderous Creature” to his erstwhile fuck buddy, Sandy. Basically, the next hour chronicles Sandy’s efforts to thin the herd, so to speak. Fortunately, Kate is probably the smartest of the entire lot and bellows: “There’s only one way to stop her - and that is to kill her!” Finally! Someone with a brain. Unfortunately, any plans to kill Sandy before she can wipe out the crew are forever being sabotaged by Mark, who thinks that just because he and Sandy exchanged bodily fluids a dozen times, automatically means that he owes her something. What is he? A chick?
Needless to say, Sandy pretty much succeeds in single-handedly decimating her former colleagues until only Mark, Kate, and Sharon are left. At this point, Sandy takes a break to have her baby Box-Frog-Twins. Her screams of labor echo throughout the base - while Mark, Kate, and Sharon cower in the Operations Centre. I kept yelling at the screen, imploring them to take advantage of Sandy’s vulnerable state and kick the crap out of her. But, no - they’re content to let Mama Freak download her Bundles From Hell in peace. Afterwards, Mark gets the brilliant idea of baby-napping the two little monsters and having Sharon babysit the little bastards - as if there weren’t enough reasons for Sandy to want them dead. Needless to say, this doesn’t go over well with the new mom - who promptly kills a would-be heroic Kate and gets into a to-the-death tussle with her ex. Eventually, Mark manages to strangle the proud mama to death - something that the entire crew seemed incapable of doing as a group, but yet he manages on his own. Which is why the actor who’s playing him is top-billed, I guess. Anyhow, exhausted from putting Sandy in her (resting) place, Mark staggers back to the locker room where he left Sharon with Damien # 1 and Damien # 2. If you’re expecting him to find the three of them playing patty-cake blissfully, then you’re one sick mo-fo. Anything less than Sharon being ripped apart by the toothy toddlers would just not be acceptable. Which is what Mark finds - right before one of the little shits attacks him from behind (no - not that way, perv).
And then there were none. Box-Frog-Clan: 12, Astronauts: 0
BUT, SERIOUSLY: If I had a dollar for every bad review I’ve read of HORROR PLANET, I’d be lying on a beach in the Maldives, licking a Mojito off someone’s torso for the rest of my life. Needless to say, this movie is ultra-low budget. Nevertheless, though, there’s something about it that just intrigues me. Perhaps it’s the novel approach the makers took: rather than a straight-up rip-off of ALIEN, we get elements of THE SHINING mixed in, as in: person goes psycho and terrorizes others in isolated location. It helps that there is some real talent and experience in front of the camera. Stephanie Beacham makes for a strong and likable heroine, and Robin Clarke has an interesting screen presence. Judy Geeson makes for a sympathetic and compelling villain. It’s kind of sad watching her transform from sweet gal to psycho alien concubine. Victoria Tennant also makes an early screen appearance, although her role is small and gone before you know it.
The movie also manages to generate some real tension, against all odds and cheap set design. The sequence when Sandy births the alien twins, with her screams echoing throughout the base as her three surviving colleagues cower in fear, has an unsettling quality. Also, it doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to the Body Count. Unlike many ALIEN rip-offs, this one goes the grim route and knocks everyone off. You almost have to admire that.
All in all, what elevates HORROR PLANET over its schlock material is the unusually pedigreed cast, who take their roles seriously. In doing so, they make a lot of what happens on-screen relatively tense and scary. In the end, though, it’s hampered by the very low budget. I can only imagine how this might have turned out with some real money behind it.
REMAKE TIME!!!
