(More fun with Jessica, Chris, and - joining our show in progress with all of her hotness - Beau Garrett! Par-tay!)
CAST: Ioan Gruffud, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, Andre Braugher, Beau Garrett, and Morpheus as the voice of the Silver Surfer.
DIRECTOR: Tim Story
WARNING: SPOILERS and more slippery drool up ahead. Much more.
So, it’s been two years since the Fantastic Four exiled Victor Von Pussy (Julian McMahon) to the moon. Since that time, Sue Storm (Jessica Alba) has gotten much closer to Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffud). Close enough to decide to marry him. Or maybe Sue knows how innovative a man with stretchable fingers can be in bed. Meanwhile, Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) is still a he-whore and bedding anything with an orifice. When asked by the press how she deals with sexing it up with the Human Torch, Johnny’s latest sentient blow-up doll giggles like the vacuum-head that she is and says, “Lots of aloe….” For what? Lubricant? Anyhow, rounding out the “where are they now?” updates is Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) who is still a walking boulder, but now a walking boulder with a girlfriend (Kerry Washington). Obviously, she’s blind. Literally.
At any rate, the Fantastic Four (FF) are enjoying their celebrity status just fine when our story starts. Unfortunately, the sequel can’t be 90 minutes of just Reed and Sue flirting, Johnny fucking, or Ben grumbling. There has to be a “problem.” And soon enough, it rears its sleek and silvery head. It turns out to be a mysterious being with powers of its own that has been zipping around the globe on his special, silver surfboard (really) and causing atmospheric and climatic anomalies. And it looks like an Academy Award statuette, only…. silver. And it has... a surfboard.
Anyhow, back to those pesky climatic anomalies. Snow winds up where it shouldn’t be, entire rivers vanish into the ground, and temperate seas turn into arctic skating rinks - basically resulting in a bunch of disgruntled tourists and fishermen. Unfortunately, the Silver Surfer also attracts the attention of Victor Von Pussy, who has somehow returned from the moon. Needless to say, his exile has not dampened his special charm one bit - he’s still every bit a colossal dickhead. But at least he has a few brain cells to rub together, as he quickly deduces that the Silver Surfer has some cool skills that would be worth bogarting.
Meanwhile, General Hager (Andre Braughter) and his scrumptialicious aide, Captain Raye (Beau Garrett), decide to enlist the aid of the FF in trying to solve the enigma of the Silver Surfer. Unfortunately, Victor Von Pussy has infiltrated their ranks under the guise of an “advisor.” Clearly Hager and Raye didn’t see the first movie - otherwise, they’d realize that they’re placing their faith in someone who’s just slightly less trustworthy than a King Cobra with a Tequila hangover.
Meanwhile Johnny’s chick radar (and dick) point in the approximate direction of the luscious Raye. He tries to woo her by standing wet and half-naked in the middle of a corridor, while driving his body temp up to turn the water on his skin to… steam. Yes,folks... Chris Evans stands in a towel with steam hissing off his glistening torso. Now, during the screening I attended, this shot was followed by a collective gasp from the audience as every woman (and some men) in attendance promptly came hard in their seats. Raye, on the other hand, looks about as turned on as someone who’s just been told that her cat crapped all over her make-up kit, leading the audience to conclude that she’s (A) a lipstick lesbian who'd rather be fucking Sue, or (B) she is not a lipstick lesbian who'd rather be fucking Sue but is just not attracted to Johnny, or (C ) she is highly attracted to Johnny but must abide by the rules of the script that dictate that she act like a lipstick lesbian who'd rather be fucking Sue.
Got all that? Or would you like me to e-mail you the Power Point slide show that breaks it down even further? Please say "no."
While this steamy (ha-ha) subplot is unfolding, Hager hatches a plan to catch the Silver Surfer in the Black Forest. Because the Silver Surfer has a weakness for Black Forest cake, I suppose. Long story short, the plan works: the army nabs the Silver Surfer and hauls him back to a secret bunker for the Abu Ghraib massage and seaweed wrap combo. Meanwhile, the FF are detained in room without a - gasp! - television. Ever the cliched spunky and resourceful heroine, Sue sneaks out of their prison in her invisible mode while Johnny pretends to negotiate with the guard outside for some porno DVDs, popcorn, and baby oil. Confronting the Silver Surfer in his cell, Sue finds out that he is (1) from another planet - duh - and (2) is serving something named Galactus and (3) this Galactus likes to destroy planets and (4) Earth is basically fucked. Meanwhile Victor Von Pussy has gotten ahold of the Silver Surfboard and finds out that it transforms him into an even more powerful asshole. Having been handed his ass quite definitively in the last film, Victor Von Pussy gives the world-domination thing another go. This time, though, it’s not just the FF fighting against him, but also SS (Silver Surfer, not the Fourth Reich), who is understandably pissed off that some other metallic poseur has jacked his ride. Needless to say, after a long and drawn-out battle with the FF and SS, the Silver Surfboard is reclaimed by its rightful owner and Victor Von Pussy gets his ass handed to him yet again. When. I ask you. Is this dipshit. Going to learn?
So… our story ends on a happy note with Sue and Reed finally getting married, Ben hooking up with his blind soulmate, and Johnny hooking up (surprise) with Raye. Of course, Raye gets her comeuppance when she tries to jump for Sue’s bouquet - only to watch it get incinerated in mid-air by one of Johnny’s flaming loogies. Johnny then smirks at her, as if to say: “No one disses my ‘steaming-torso-in-a-towel’ routine and gets away with it. That said, I’m searing your clitoris tonight. Get that aloe ready.”
In other words, a storybook ending.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: The sequel to FF4 is about as good as its predecessor. The whole Silver Surfer angle isn’t as intriguing as it probably looked on paper, but the game cast elevates the material again. Everyone just looks like they’re having fun, and it’s infectious. As usual, Ioan Gruffud and Michael Chiklis are solid, as is Jessica “Hottie Extraordinaire” Alba and Julian McMahon. Beau Garrett is one gorgeous woman, and she does okay with her limited role, which is basically to treat Johnny like dirt - until it’s time for her to succumb to his charms. Speaking of Johnny, once again Chris Evans walks away with the film due to his combo of breezy charm and goofy humor - with both masking hidden depths beneath.
Again, no better or worse than it’s predecessor. In other words, it’s exactly the same movie - a fun, uncomplicated superhero flick that puts a smile on your face. And drool on your chin.
Mental flash: Beau-Chris-Jessica menage a trois... Sizzle. Hiss. Pop. GASP.
