(Hot damn, that space sheriff looks an awful lot like 007... Reba, git his autography-thingamajig…)
CAST: Sean Connery, Peter Boyle, Frances Sternhagen, James B. Sikking, Kika Markham, Clarke Peters, Steven Berkoff, Nicholas Barnes.
DIRECTOR: Peter Hyams
WARNING: SPOILERS and potent Connery testosterone right up ahead….
I can just imagine how writer-director Peter Hyams pitched his idea for OUTLAND to the Warner Bros. suits back in 1980: “Okay, guys. Heard of HIGH NOON with Gary Cooper? Where he’s this noble sheriff who gets transferred to this really fucked up town and decides to clean it up - but then gets marked for death? Good. Well, imagine all that - but in… space. A western in space! I‘m brilliant. I‘m fucking BRILLIANT!” Presumably, the suits thought so, too, otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this review when I could be sleeping and dreaming about Electric Sheep. Never mind.
Anyhow, OUTLAND is exactly that - HIGH NOON in outer space. Set on Io, one of Jupiter’s moons, the film chronicles the headaches - actually, “splitting migraines” might be a better term - that beset Marshal William O’Niel (Sean “The Man” Connery) when he receives a posting at a mining complex based there. Turns out that the place is corrupt as fuck, and the Station Manager, a slimy fat schmuck named Sheppard (Peter Boyle) keeps his personnel on an extremely long leash. Actually, the leash is pretty much non-existent as, by his own words, he admits to O‘Niel that “I work my people real hard - and I let them play real hard.” O’Niel recognizes this as a none-too-subtle warning that he’s expected to look the other way while the personnel engage in all sorts of nefarious hanky-panky - just like the average nanny for a pack of rich and spoiled celebrity brats. But this is Connery, folks, who’s about as far away from being a babysitter as Rob Schneider is from being 007.
At any rate, all that “playing hard” eventually catches up with the mine personnel when: (1) one guy spazzes out - big-time - and rips his suit open because of “spiders” crawling all over his skin, (2) another walks out into the zero-atmosphere of Io to indulge his curiosity about how his innards would look like against Jupiter’s red spot, and (3) another guy beats the tar out of a hooker for, I guess, using teeth while going down on him - only to be blasted by another marshal into oblivion. Of course, I’m just guessing about the “teeth” part. At any rate, none of these guys live to give O’Niel anything useful as far as their motivations for going off the deep end. How convenient. Hint, hint.
O'Niel is urged by everyone around him to forget about the incidents and, you got it, look the other way. But, see, O’Niel is played by Sean Connery who has far too much testosterone in his nutsac to ever do anything as pansy-like as “look the other way.” So, naturally, he digs on and eventually finds himself (reluctantly, I’m sure) teaming up with Dr. Marie Lazarus (Frances Sternhagen), who is very knowledgeable and helpful but also The Most Annoying Woman on Io - perhaps the Milky Way or even the next five universes. Repeatedly busting O’Niel’s chops, she never comes close to realizing that the only reason he hasn’t shot her in the head is because no one else in the complex will dare help him. Anyhow, the bickering duo eventually find a common link between the dead men: they all had traces of a mysterious drug in their system - one that makes you work harder and longer before making you feel the irresistible urge to (1) rip your space suit off to search for “spiders,” (2) go for a walk in zero-atmosphere to admire your innards as they drift past Jupiter’s red spot, and (3) smack a whore around for using teeth where no one should ever use teeth.
Turns out that Sheppard and the rest of upper management conspired to drive productivity up by getting the workers addicted to this new drug - but are now fairly freaking out because of the side effects that are turning the personnel into ticking time bombs. O’Niel discovers this and the fact that the other marshals are being paid to act as if life on Io is like HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL - only more boring. Naturally, our hero promptly finds himself a marked man. Except it seems no one on Io is quite competent enough to kill him - so the corporation sends three assassins over on the next shuttle. Apparently, gossip at the mine spreads faster than the speed of light, because - next thing you know - everyone is throwing anxious looks at every clock in the complex - counting down until the Tres Amigos arrive to “counsel” O’Niel. O’Niel, sensing that everyone on Io is basically a jelly-spined bastard (or bitch) but still wanting to see if he’s wrong, makes one last request for help. His staff basically avoids his eyes - and show their remorse by giving him The Finger from under the table. Expecting as much, O’Niel makes a mental note to fucking fire all of them if he somehow manages to survive.
Turns out, though, that O’Niel has an ally - whether he likes it or not. If you’re guessing that Dr. Marie “The Banshee” Lazarus makes a reappearance because the actress playing her is third-billed in the credits and has to justify being in that spot, then you’ve already seen this movie. Basically, O’Niel figures a terminally annoying helping hand is better than none - but just barely. Anyhow, the three assassins arrive and proceed to stalk O’Niel all over the complex, while everyone else mysteriously disappears. Probably all in the lounges watching the action on the big screen TV via the security cameras, like a space version of SLIVER - and laying bets as to what will kill O’Niel first: the assassins - or Dr. Lazarus’s incessant nagging. Fortunately, neither proves lethal - as O’Niel (with The Banshee’s help) manages to turn the tables on his pursuers, knocking them off one by one until only Sean Connery is left standing. Uh…. Marshal O’Niel, that is. The movie ends with O’Niel getting his revenge on his useless staff by drop-kicking them straight up into Jupiter’s orbit - with Dr. Lazarus laughing like a deranged hyena right next to him as the cowards drift off towards the Red Spot.
Okay, not really. But it would’ve made for a great final shot.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Released a scant two years after ALIEN, OUTLAND has very much of the former’s look and feel. It also builds suspense in very much the same way ALIEN did, by letting the tension and suspense gradually creep up on you. OUTLAND also has ALIEN’s elegant structure and ominous music (by late legend Jerry Goldsmith). But the similarities end there, as OUTLAND doesn’t have a murderous creature running amok. No, the terror in OUTLAND is more human - but not any less deadly. The film unfolds like a cop thriller, and a good one.
Sean Connery is terrific as O’Niel, and is truly a man’s hero. Peter Boyle makes for quietly despicable villain, all the more disturbing because you can imagine variations on him residing right now on the boards of modern-day conglomerates. Frances Sternhagen lends able support and much-needed comic relief as Dr. Lazarus. While the character does try your nerves in a couple of scenes, fortunately she becomes less strident as the film goes on, and proves a valuable ally to O’Niel. Sternhagen and Connery also have a nice, non-platonic rapport. James B. Sikking as one of O’Niel’s spineless staff and Kika Markham in the brief role of O’Niel’s wife do well in their small but necessary roles.
I say remake this with Russell Crowe! Yeah!
