(Somehow, this is not what I had in mind when I thought “tropical jungle vacation.” And what‘s up with that tour guide's dread-locks? And why's he pointing that laser gun at us? Oh. Shit.)
CAST: Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Alice Braga, Danny Trejo, Walter Goggins, Oleg Taktarov, Laurence Fishburne, Louis Ozawa Changchien.
DIRECTOR: Nimrod Antal
WARNING: SPOILERS and much (too much) Adrien Brody-channeling-Yoda nonsense up ahead….
In 1987, when the original PREDATOR was released, I remember not expecting much. No disrespect to The Ah-nold, but I thought it was basically going to be COMMANDO 2. Much to my pleasant surprise, PREDATOR turned out to be, um, a pleasant surprise. It was the first ALIEN-inspired film that not only didn’t feel like a rip-off, but started a whole new mythos of its own. It accomplished this by doing several things right: (1) changing the characters from astronauts to macho military commandos, (2) setting the story on a tropical jungle on Earth, and (3) last but in no way the least - creating a truly memorable villain that rivals and almost eclipses the horrible memories of those slimy Xenomorphs. It also helped that, as with ALIEN and Sigourney Weaver, PREDATOR had a charismatic lead in Arnold Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately, that is something PREDATORS sorely lacks - but more on that later.
When I heard that PREDATORS was being helmed by Robert Rodriguez, I allowed myself to harbor some very high hopes. It’s only reasonable that some of those hopes would be dashed. After all, there’s no way the movie could’ve lived up to all of them. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize it would fall short of so many of them. Unlike PREDATOR, which took its time to establish the characters, the situation, and - most significantly - the unseen threat stalking the commandos, PREDATORS dives head-first into the action. We literally open on our lead character, Royce (Adrien Brody), waking up during a free-fall into a dense jungle. At the last moment, his parachute opens - allowing him to smash in to the jungle floor with bruising rather than bone-crunching velocity. Understandably perturbed, Royce looks around and quickly discovers another “drop-in” in the grizzled form of Cuchillo (Danny Trejo). The two new buds barely have time to get acquainted before having to leap into the bush to avoid sudden gunfire. Royce, intent on proving what a stud-muffin he is, leaves Cuchillo and dashes into the jungle to surprise the sniper. He discovers it’s Nikolai (Oleg Taktarov), who obviously was not taught by his parents that greeting strangers with sub-machine gun fire is not polite. Nikolai, unfortunately, cannot provide any insight as to why he and these other two schmoes are suddenly in the middle of what is looking more and more like Hell in the Amazon.
Not too far away are even more drop-ins. Joining the three already accounted for are: (1) Isabelle (Alice Braga), a Latin beauty with a big gun; (2) Stans (Walter Goggins), a scrawny guy who looks suspiciously like a prison inmate, if the prison inmate clothes he’s wearing are anything to go by; (3) Hanzo (Louis Ozawa Changchien), a Yakuza mobster who’s a little over-dressed for the jungle; (4) Mombasa (Mahershalalhashbaz Ali), a dour African with an even bigger gun; and (5) Edwin (Topher Grace), a geek who claims to be a doctor but actually looks more like a fraternity pledge who didn’t make the cut. This brings the total number of moving targets to eight. As I said, unlike the original, PREDATORS wastes no time in getting the story going. That’s not necessarily a good thing. Especially when it resorts to preposterous lightning-bolt “aha” moments that come out of nowhere in order to keep the plot moving forward. Especially with Royce, who must be Yoda’s son or some shit. With the scantest of clues available, Royce deduces that: (1) they were all abducted and are on a game preserve and are being hunted, (2) they might be on another planet, and (3) Isabelle knows what’s hunting them - judging from the look on her face when they all find a Predator lashed to stone column in an encampent. I suppose Isabelle could’ve just been disgusted and horrified, but apparently Yoda Jr. knows the difference between “disgusted and horrified” and “seen this kind of creature before because the script requires that one character be able to tie in the events of the original and better film to this inferior one.”
Anyhow, they all receive concrete proof that they are indeed on another planet - as predicted by Royce-the-soothsayer. By concrete proof, I mean three or four planets floating in the sky above the jungle. Hmmmm… Funny how they were just on high ground a little earlier and didn’t see a goddamn thing in the sky except the sun. Whatever - Yoda Jr. is obviously in control here, so I give up. Just when I thought I couldn‘t take another Royce revelation pulled out of his ass, the Predators make their presence known, and start decimating the drop-ins - thankfully. In probably the film’s only real surprise, the survivors run into a “Predator” that materializes to be…. Laurence Fishburne. Or, to be more specific, Noland - who looks an awful lot like Laurence Fishburne. See, Noland’s survived several “hunting seasons” on the planet and learned how to fight back, stealing some of the Predator technology to use for himself. He invites the others back to his pad, by which I mean a rusting derelict ship that looks like a garage sale version of the Nostromo. There, Noland shares some vital information with them: (1) there are two kinds of Predators - a higher (read: snotty) class and a lower (read: poor) class, kind of like PRETTY IN PINK with dreadlocks and lasers; (2) the Predators have a spaceship near their camp; and (3) Noland is out of his fucking mind, judging from his penchant for arguing heatedly with empty spaces. Oh, and the fact that he tries to kill them with smoke inhalation might be another clue.
At any rate, all the fuss in the pseudo-Nostromo attracts the attentions of the Predators, who show up in time to spare the others from any more wacky Noland antics by blasting him into a red mist. Chasing after Royce and co., one Predator corners Nikolai. Fortunately, the feisty Russian has a back-up plan know as the Vasquez-Gorman contingency: blowing himself - and whatever’s trying to whoop his ass - into a million little pieces. This leads to what has got to be the worst CGI fireball I have ever seen in my entire movie-going life. If you thought the parasurfing-on-the-melting-iceberg CGI scene in DIE ANOTHER DAY was godawful, beware, because you just might get a stroke from this one. For a minute there, I forgot I was watching a major studio release with a more-than-substantial budget, and had wandered into a screening of MEGA-PIRANHA or some other Sy-Fy Channel classic. Eyeballs still reeling in disbelief from that “explosion,” the others book it for the Predator spaceship which Noland told them about - and which Royce believes he can pilot to get back to Earth. At this point, I pretty much gave up on there being a reasonable explanation for Royce’s omniscient abilities, and just chalked it up to him having read the script beforehand.
Eventually, one of the Predators does catch up with the group, but Hanzo takes one for the team and challenges the beast to sword fight. You read that right. Believe it or not, this actually turns to be quite an interesting scene. Too bad it ends with Hanzo biting the big one along with his dread-locked opponent. Meanwhile, our last surviving humans - Yoda Jr., Isabelle, and Edwin - make it back to the Predator camp where Royce frees the lower-class Predator that had been imprisoned by the snotty-class Predators. Grateful for being freed, the lower-class Predator considers destroying Royce’s ass but - sadly - agrees to help Royce with the spaceship. Fortunately, two things happen that ruins their plans: the snotty-class Predator shows up and whoops the lower-class Predator’s ass like he’s Molly Ringwald; and (2) Edwin turns out to be a psycho killer who tries to maim Isabelle. Given that Edwin’s been portrayed as nothing but normal throughout the film, and given that we’ve been led to believe that all the drop-ins are vicious killers (wow, so there‘s a double meaning to the title! How deep, Robert!), Isabelle and Royce’s surprise at finding out that Edwin is a dorky Jack the Ripper is mind-boggling. Who the fuck did they think he was? Topher Grace?
At any rate, Royce uses an injured Edwin to flush out the snotty-class Predator which leads to the scene that is almost worth the price of admission. I’m speaking of the shot of the Predator turning to see…. Royce, shirtless and posing like a Playgirl centerfold who forgot to take his pants off. At that moment, you can almost read Royce’s thoughts: “Bitch, look at me now. The actor playing me gave up on carbs and worked out five hours a day, seven days a week to get like this. It’s okay to drool.” Believe me when I say I wasn’t the only one laughing in the theatre, because given Adrien Brody’s sleepy eyes coupled with that “How do you like me now?” pose, we couldn’t tell if he wanted to kill the Predator - or fuck it senseless. Long story short, Royce decides that he can fuck Isabelle instead - and kills the Predator with a decapitation technique that looks suspiciously cribbed from FRIDAY THE 13th. The movie ends with Royce and Isabelle hobbling around their new home. Unfortunately, it looks like they won’t have it all to themselves, because right at that moment more drop-ins hurtle down from above - ready for more class warfare in MORE PREDATORS: THE BREAKFAST CLUB. If Royce and Isabelle know what’s good for them, they won’t go to that prom.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Like I said, I had high hopes for this film. Unfortunately, it fell short of many of those hopes. While the film is competently shot, it just does not offer anything fresh or exciting. Granted, there are some glimmers of interest, such as the different kinds of PREDATORS - both human and alien -and the various indigenous species of the game preserve planet - but Nimrod Antal and Robert Rodriguez don’t explore any of them enough to stake any real new ground. The result is a film that is merely okay, and rises just a tad above average because of those few interesting elements. Had Robert Rodriguez and Nimrod Antal actually fleshed them out, instead of trying to copy PREDATOR, the film would be much better than it is.
Another major weakness is Adrien Brody, who simply doesn’t work in the lead. Sometimes, unusual casting can pay off. Other times, this is the result - a main character that becomes bland and risible because the actor playing him is wrong for the role. Strutting around like the world’s least believable mercenary, and growling like he’s aping Christian Bale as Batman, Adrien Brody is just plain miscast. And don’t get me started about that ridiculous beefcake shot of him at the end, trying to intimidate the Predator with his physique - which is about as muscular as one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s forearms. And therein lies the major difference PREDATOR and PREDATORS - the former had a dynamite hero that held his own against the antagonist, whereas the latter has a lead that should’ve been one of the first to get killed.
Speaking of unusual casting that works, the casting of Topher Grace as the sweet-faced serial killer, Edwin, actually works. Bringing his trademark droll humor to the role, Grace provides a tart and refreshing counterpoint to Brody’s futile macho posturing. Alice Braga as Isabelle has a warm and appealing presence - but she really isn’t given much to do. The rest of the actors are okay in their various roles. In the end, though, the characters are just not as distinctive and interesting as those from the original film.
In the end, PREDATORS is competent - but is really more of a re-hash than a sequel. At least PREDATOR 2 moved the action to the big city and had fun with that. All we have here are the same moves in the same kind of jungle setting, spiced up here and there with some new elements that are either dropped outright or inadequately explored.
All in all, a missed opportunity and slight disappointment - given who was behind the camera.
