(Have Russian vodka. Will travel… and turn into scaly, slimy Fishman)
CAST: Peter Weller, Richard Crenna, Amanda Pays, Hector Elizondo, Michael Carmine, Daniel Stern, Lisa Eilbacher, Ernie Hudson, Meg Foster, and a bunch of really ugly mutant fish creatures…
DIRECTOR: George P. Cosmatos
WARNING: SPOILERS and blatant ALIEN rip-offage - right up ahead…
In 1989, several notable things happened in the world of cinema: the Batman franchise was born with the release of BATMAN, the James Bond franchise nearly ground to a halt with the box-office fizzle of LICENCE TO KILL, and the Indiana Jones franchise officially became a successful trilogy with the hot reception of INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE.
However, 1989 is also notable for another fact: that was the year studio executives across Hollywood, all from different companies, apparently got hit by the same massive mind-control beam from outer space - which brainwashed them into creating four movies that essentially had the same premise: “ALIEN, but set underwater.” These films were DEEPSTAR SIX, LEVIATHAN, LORDS OF THE DEEP, and THE ABYSS. Granted, THE ABYSS didn’t have a “slimy something” (unless you count Michael Biehn’s character) and was the one least like “ALIEN underwater” - but it still had the same “underwater-base-under-siege” foundation.
The film, however, that was most similar to “ALIEN underwater” was LEVIATHAN. In fact, this film has so many parallels with Ridley Scott’s classic that one begins to wonder if the makers were expecting (and hoping) audiences to have long-term memory problems. Ooops, guys.
The story opens five miles beneath the Atlantic ocean, at a mining shack that we are told is “extremely hazardous.” As if the fact it’s located five miles beneath the Atlantic ocean wasn’t enough of an indication. Thank you, Captain Obvious. The shack’s mission is to extract precious metals and minerals from an underwater mother lode (by mother lode, presumably they don’t mean the box-office the producers mistakenly thought this movie would reap - because they’d be disappointed).
Leading the eight-man (and woman) crew is Beck (Peter Weller), who is basically Dallas from ALIEN, but without a beard and with less of a handle on his crew. Underneath him (not literally - but then again who knows what can happen when you’re cooped up with seven other people) are (1) Thompson (Richard Crenna); a cocky and arrogant doctor (is there any other kind these days) who is forever giving his boss the “Bitch, please” look; (2) Williams (Amanda Pays), a sweet thing with a gentle voice and ovaries of steel who is also training to be Ripley; (3) Cobb (Hector Elizondo), the maintenance guy who forever lives in fear of contracting Herpes and having to explain to his wife how he got it (don‘t ask); (4) DeJesus (Michael Carmine), a dude from Spanish Harlem who secretly wants to be Swiss - judging from his constant hard-on for anything involving skiing; (5) Six-Pack (Daniel Stern), who’s nicknamed as such due to his glaring lack of one; (6) Jones (Ernie Hudson), the kind of guy who would suffer a massive stroke if he stopped whining for even a second; and (6) Bowman (Lisa Eilbacher), the kind of chick that is usually referred to as “just one of the guys” - except she has huge tits.
The first act of LEVIATHAN follows the last days (in more ways than one) of these folks as they approach the end of their tour of duty under the sea. Obviously having seen ALIEN, they engage in all the requisite (read: cliched) activities that blue-collar workers must engage in: (1) bickering about their work, (2) complaining about management, (3) talking about what they will do when they get back home, (4) and - if you’re Six-Pack - sexually harassing anything with a heartbeat, including some of the marine life.
Anyhow, this tedious “slice of life” soon comes to an end because you can’t base an entire ALIEN rip-off just on people who are acting like the understudies for the Nostromo crew. You have to have a monster. Sure enough, the beast casts its shadow across the proceedings when Six-Pack and Williams are out on a routine scouting assignment in the perimeter of the base. Leaving Williams alone for a few seconds (something she surely thanked every god in the pantheon for), Six-Pack accidentally discovers the rusting hulk of a Russian tanker just off the perimeter.
Wandering in like the oblivious disphit that he is, he finds a safe and think this will make a great souvenir. Too bad about those pesky salvage laws that prevent oblivious dipshits from claiming anything. Unfortunately, the safe contains some tainted Russian Vodka that we eventually find out was used by the Russkies to conduct genetic experiments on the crew of the sunken ship - experiments designed to turn them into The Little Mermaid, but less pleasant. Far less.
If you’re guessing that Six-Pack (he of the jelly-roll mid-section) and Bowman (she of the big tits) get into the vodka anyway, and immediately begin to grow scales, then I am impressed. I personally thought they were just going to start dancing on tables. I guess that’s just what happen when I drink vodka. But I digress… Freaked out by the sudden illness (or rather, gillness - ha ha) of his crew, Beck contacts topside to request an evac.
In a dry and comfy office in HQ that is completely free of sexually-harassing slime like Six-Pack, corporate hussy Martin (Meg Foster) assures Beck that everything will be fine and that she will initiate an extraction - over her dead, maggot-ridden body. Okay, she leaves that last part out - but that’s essentially what she says to him. If he’s too stupid to read between the lines and trust such an obvious snake as Martin, then Beck probably belongs underwater forever.
Meanwhile, the “Vodka rot” has turned Six-Pack’s skin into something that you’d find in the chum bucket at you’re local fish market. When the equally sick Bowman sees this, she realizes that no amount of Clinique Age Defense moisturizer is ever going to prevent that. So, seeing the writing (and bad skin) on the wall, she promptly slices her wrists.
As you can imagine, this sends the remaining crew into a tizzy. Even more so when their attempted ejection of Six-Pack and Bowman’s mutated and tangled bodies goes badly. But they still manage to eject the bodies into the ocean outside - except for the severed limb that gets left behind inside the shack and dashes off into the shadows to do its best ALIEN impersonation and start the hard task of putting the Nostromo understudies out of their misery.
Soon, the creature makes it re-appearance, attacking DeJesus so that his colleagues can finally be spared of his skiing delusions. Next on the list is Cobb, who earlier was afraid he’d contracted Herpes and was fearing his wife’s wrath. Well, in comparison to what he has now, Herpes is looking like a very bearable condition.
Next is Thompson, who kind of deserves his fate because of his arrogance in assuming that the rest of the crew would be okay with him cutting off all their escape routes in a noble effort to contain the infection from spreading to the rest of the world. Personally, I could care less about the rest of the world - as long as I can get to a McDonald’s for one last Big Mac before I turn into Aqua-Man.
So… that leaves us with Beck, Williams, and - for the love of Jehosaphat why is this guy still alive? - Jones. The three survivors desperately contact Martin up top, who once again smiles her creepy hyena smile and assures them that help is on the way. On the way where? To the bar to celebrate their successful cover-up? Needless to say, the threesome have just about as much trust for Martin as a cow has for the chef of Morton’s Steakhouse. Finally.
Anyhow, they subsequently discover that Martin has engineered the whole world to believe that the mining shack collapsed - resulting in the deaths of everyone there. Their faith in her justified, Beck and his two musketeers decide to take matters in their own hands and try to find another way to get topside, pronto. Oh, and the fact that creature is now throwing a wall-shaking hissy fit that threatens to truly bring the entire shack collapsing around their heads might also have something to do with a fire being lit under their asses.
Long story short, the trio manage to get into their pressure suits and attach balloons to them - which will yank them up to the surface. Or in the words of Mrs. Bobrowksi from SOUTH PARK: “Wh-Wha-WHAT?!” I mean, correct me I’m wrong, but won’t these mo-fos - I don’t know - EXPLODE if they don’t decompress first? I’m a scuba diver and five miles underwater is nothing to sneeze at, folks. But apparently, the screenwriters of LEVIATHAN must have some advanced knowledge of human anatomy and underwater chemistry that a cretin like me could never hope to understand. Or maybe they just wanted to end the fucking movie already.
At any rate, by the great miracle of sloppy screenwriting, Beck and Williams and (goddamnit, why?) Jones manage to make it back to the surface - where they whoop it with such joyful abandon I was expecting Jones to entice Beck and Williams into a menage-a-trois - right then and there.
Fortunately, the creature makes a final “BOO!” appearance and attacks Jones - who (you guessed it) whines like a champ and pulls the race card. The creature just smiles at him and patiently explains that it’s not killing him because he’s African-American, but because it wants to spare the world from more whiny little bitches from being born. Then it bites his head off.
Grateful to the creature for doing him (and the universe) a huge favor, Beck thanks the monster by tossing a stick of dynamite into it’s trap. The Coast Guard helicopter then zips off with Beck and Willie on it, while below the creature has just enough time to say, “Wh-Wha-WHAT!?” before exploding into a million more tiny creatures destined to pollute our oceans.
LEVIATHAN ends with the chopper landing on an oil rig, where Martin sees Beck and Willie disembarking from the chopper. Instead of going with her gut and running for the nearest lifeboat, the crazy bitch thinks she can actually pull her usual corporate-smoothie number and make the survivors forget that she basically threw them under the tanker. Fortunately, Beck’s bullshit detector has been finely honed by his recent ordeal, and he shows his appreciation for Martin’s new-found sincerity by giving her Le Knuckle Croquette Du Jour.
In other words, he knocks the bitch’s teeth out. Which is a lot less than what I would have done.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: As I mentioned before, out of the four “ALIEN underwater” movies that were released in 1989, LEVIATHAN is the one that sticks closely to the ALIEN playbook. While it is slick and technically well-made, it also suffers from a major case of deja-vu and doesn’t really strike out into new territory. Also, all this might be forgiven, if the characters were especially compelling or interesting. Instead, they are also too reminiscent of the ALIEN (and ALIENS) characters. You don’t get a sense of them as real human beings outside of their current situation. This has nothing to do with the actors and actresses, as they are all talented and capable and do what they can, but more to do with the script. Which doesn’t even attempt to create engaging personalities - instead it falls back on “types”: the tough loner leader, the sweet but strong heroine, the crude jerk, the whiny guy, the saucy girl, etc.
To be fair, the director manages to create a steady sense of tension, but it never really escalates and instead becomes monotonous. And if it weren’t for the late Jerry Goldsmith’s ever-present and brilliant score which does all the work, I’m certain a lot of that tension would not have been created in the first place. Contrast this with ALIEN, which also had a great score by Goldsmith, but which was employed a lot less. That film still managed to expertly create a rising tension and fear - from absolute silence. And when the score finally kicked in, you were already sweating and climbing your seat - and things just got even more terrifying. That’s the difference between a film like ALIEN - and a clone, however competent, like LEVIATHAN: ALIEN doesn’t need the bells and whistles to scare you - LEVIATHAN does.
