(A Bond with blonde hair, big biceps, awesome pecs, and killer abs. And below the age of 40. I’m sorry, but what is the problem?)
CAST: Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, Judi Dench, Simon Akbarian, Jeffrey Wright, Giancarlo Giannini, Caterina Murino, Ivana Milicevic.
DIRECTOR: Martin Campbell
WARNING: SPOILERS and unabashed Daniel Craig-worship right ahead.
In 2002, DIE ANOTHER DAY was released and became a huge international hit despite some glaring flaws. Apart from having a story that seems to have been concocted by a bunch of middle-schoolers on a sugar rush, and a script written by said middle-schoolers’ younger kindergarten siblings, DIE ANOTHER DAY also had the misfortune of having a Bond in Pierce Brosnan who was starting to look, well, a little old.
This was painfully evident in the scene wherein Bond flirts with Jinx (Halle Berry) at the seaside bar in Cuba. Looking every day of his 53 years and puffing suggestively on a cigar and spouting double entendres - and not so much undressing but rather outright fucking Berry with his eyes, Brosnan’s effect was not so much sexy or alluring but creepy and alarming. It didn’t help that Berry - with her eternally youthful face and cropped hair and petite frame - resembled a 15-year old native boy. For a second there, I thought I was watching an episode of HOW TO CATCH A PREDATOR IN COMMUNIST TERRITORY.
It’s not too farfetched to imagine the suits at United Artists during their first screening of DIE ANOTHER DAY. When this scene came on-screen, I can just imagine them slowly glancing at each other with unease, their eyes silently saying, “If the audience doesn’t vomit then… Dude. We need. To get. A new Bond!”
And got one they did. In the feral and scorching form of Daniel Craig. This announcement was met with derision and outrage from many different directions The complaints were varied but strident: Craig is too short, Craig is too blond, Craig is too thuggish, Craig is too serious, Craig is too ugly, Craig is really George Lazenby after massive plastic surgery and is trying to get the role back. You know - the usual shit.
It got to the point where I was expecting the producers to release a diplomatic message to the fans that would go something like: “If you whiny little bitches don’t shut the fuck up, we’re going to give the role to Danny DeVito! Let’s see how you pussies like that! You’ll be begging us to give it to Craig, then! Now give it a rest!“
Anyhow, production began on CASINO ROYALE, the whiners quieted down a bit, and life went on. Probably because the producers did send that message, after all, and not wanting to see Danny DeVito canoodling with a 6’ tall Bond girl, the fans did indeed shut the fuck up. Eventually, the movie was released and it became abundantly clear that Daniel Craig was not only the best Bond since Sean Connery - and that whiners would soon be ingesting a lovely dessert called “Ha-ha-ha-You-Bitches-Were-Wrong” pie. Ever hear of humble pie? Well, this tastes worse. Especially served by a bunch of smug producers.
As for the movie, CASINO ROYALE indeed turned out to be the anti-DIE ANOTHER DAY. No space laser beams, no villains with diamonds buried in their faces, no ice palaces melting into oblivion, no 15-year old boys being macked on by creepy older men. Oh, wait, that was just Halle Berry and Pierce Brosnan…. Sorry. Anyway, CASINO ROYALE took the series back to its Flemingesque roots - and not a minute too soon.
Our movie opens with a black-and-white pre-credit sequence that shows Bond earning his 007 credentials - by way of making a treacherous MI-6 turncoat eat crow with a Walther PPK. Cut to Madagascar, where Bond is cavorting with the various animated creatures from NYC and teaching them how defend themselves in the wild. Okay, not really. But it would make for a great crossover film for both series. But Bond is really in Madagascar, though, trailing a baddie.
After a long chase through a construction site where Bond demonstrates that he can jump like a horny jack rabbit just as well as the bad guy, he corners the slime at a consulate, where Bond demonstrates his understanding of diplomatic laws by: (1) shooting up the place, (2) setting it on fire, and (3) enjoying every minute of it. To say that this doesn’t go over well with his boss, M (Judi Dench), is kind of like saying Tiger Woods’ extra-curricular activities didn’t go so hot when Elin found out about them. Bond, being a man, further aggravates the situation by (1) breaking into M’s home, (2) stealing her logon and password to the MI-6 mainframe, and (3) using it to track more bad guys because he wants to get his massacre on.
This takes him to the Bahamas, where he tangles with Dimitrios (Simon Akbarian), a wealthy tool of sketchy origin - who just happens to have a bored and horny wife, Solange (Caterina Murino). Guess what angle Bond decides to play? If you say, “Why, confront Dimitrios directly about his suspicions, because to try to use Solange would be something a slime bag would do,” then this is obviously the first Bond film you’ve ever seen.
Later, while preparing to give Bond a blowjob, Solange happens to let slip that Dimitrios is headed for Miami on the last flight. This must have an “ice-water-down-the-raging-boner” effect on Bond, because he is out of there like a Jason Bourne fan at a 007 convention. Bond tracks Dimitrios to Miami, where one thing leads to another, and next thing you know Bond is racing a fire-truck on the Miami International Airport flight line, trying to foil - what else - a terrorist act.
At any rate, Bond succeeds, which causes several things to happen: (1) Solange to get murdered by the bad guys because it’s assumed she sold her husband out which, um, I guess she did; (2) Dimitrios’ boss, Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen), to lose over $100 million of his terrorist clients’ money by betting it on the stock market (don’t ask); (3) said terrorist clients to be severely pissed off - which, in turn, means Le Chiffre’s severely fucked.
Le Chiffre, being resourceful (and desperate), decides to win all that money back in a Black Jack tournament at Le Casino Royale in Montenegro. In case any of you are wondering, Montenegro is in Eastern Europe right across the Adriatic from Italy. I’m telling you this because I didn’t know where the fuck Montenegro was - and thought this movie was set in South America. Silly, ignorant me.
MI-6 decides to send Bond to foil Le Chiffre’s plans by…. playing cards against him. If you’re befuddled, allow me to invite you to my club. What happened to just dragging the scumbag into custody and beating him into submission? Now British taxpayers have to pay for Bond’s airfare, train travel, lodging, and per diem for what is essentially a vacation.
Anyhow, on the train over to Montenegro, Bond meets our heroine, Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), who has been assigned by the Royal Treasury to monitor the funds being assigned to Bond - and who also apparently thinks Bond is about as attractive as a root canal, judging by how she verbally annihilates him and dissects his personality in ten seconds, as if they were on the Speed-Dating From Hell tournament. Bond, naturally, is intrigued. Because if there’s one thing men love, it’s women who make them work for it before spreading them legs. Or at least, that’s the only explanation that I can come up with because, frankly, Vesper a bit of a pill and I can’t imagine any other reason Bond would continue to pant after her. I mean, it’s not like there are no other women in Montenegro, for God’s sake.
At any rate, they arrive and check in at their hotel, where they promptly meet Mathis (Giancarlo Giannini) who is some sort of contact for Bond. Apparently, Mathis is some sort of smooth operator and opens doors for Bond and Vesper during their Montenegro vacat-- er, mission.
So the next 45 minutes or so of CASINO ROYALE is spent at a card table where Bond, Le Chiffre, and the other players are systematically winnowed down like some sort of gambling equivalent of AND THEN THERE WERE NONE.
Oh, sure, the director inserts action scenes here and there, but there’s really no question that, eventually, all paths leads back to the goddamn card table. In fact, you’d be forgiven for starting to think that the working title of this movie was THE SPY WHO PLAYED BLACK JACK.
During these sequences, Vesper stands on the sidelines with Mathis, chewing her lips and fretting about the money she’s responsible for that Bond is practically pissing away. Those of you expecting a down-and-dirty Bond girl like Pam Bouvier (LICENCE TO KILL), Natalya Simonova (GOLDENEYE), or Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards), are not going to get it here. In fact, I think if Vesper saw a fireball ten miles away, she would die of a heart attack.
She finally does get something to do - even if it is just getting kidnapped - when Bond wins the tournament (how did that happen?) and the bad guys take unkindly to this. Using Vesper as bait, they lure Bond to a lonely country road where they ambush him and drag the couple to some ghastly lair for some one-on-one persuasion known as as “Give us the code to the fucking money!!!”
This leads to a scene that would be smokin’ hot if it were not for the fact that Le Chiffre is in it, and not Vesper: Bond strapped naked to a chair and being interrogated. In case you’re wondering why Bond has to be nude, it’s not because Le Chiffre has had a hankering for him this whole time (although the part where he tells Bond “You have a good body” does make you wonder), but because he intends to - how shall I put this mildly? - beat the living tar out of Bond’s testicles.
Yes, folks… this scene had all the men curled up in their seats, clutching their “boys“, and silently willing Bond just to tell Le Chiffre where that goddamn code is already. Please, God! Anyhow, before Bond can do so Le Chiffre is offed by Mr. White (Jesper Christensen) - probably because Mr. White knows that is no way to treat a pair of fine testicles.
Bond awakens in a hospital on Lake Garda, where he is nursed back to health by Vesper and Mathis and a crew of faceless doctors. This is, apparently, where Bond truly falls for Vesper. I guess that beating his nuts took affected his other head, too, because suddenly he finds her so alluring and enchanting that he decides to… quit the service. I remember most people in the audience going, “Awwwwww….” Which was a marked difference, to say the least, from my own: “What. Is. THIS. HORSESHIT!!???” For the love of Jehosaphat, this chick basically has two expressions: sour and sourer. How can Bond want to fuck her more than once - let alone for the rest of his life? But whatevs….
I’m not going to judge our boy Jimmy. Maybe getting your nuts put through the wringer has a way of making you think even the most annoying chick is suddenly Snow White. I thought only terminal horniness did that.
But, alas, Vesper is no Snow White. Just as she and Bond are about to sail off into the sunset in Venice, Bond discovers that (1) she has been turned, (2) she has withdrawn the money that he won and that her Majesty’s government wants back, and (3) is planning to give it to Mr. White and his pals. Bond, naturally, takes exception to this, and - embarrassed that he allowed himself to be hoodwinked by such a pill - goes into Rambo mode and tracks Vesper down.
He finds her in an palazzo being re-modeled and where the hand-off is going down. This leads to a colossal shootout that causes: (1) the palazzo to sink into the Grand Canal, (2) Vesper to drown in a locked elevator (don’t. even. ASK), (3) Bond vowing never to trust anything with a vagina ever again, and (4) the palazzo suing the shit out of the her Majesty’s government. The film ends with Bond finding one last text message from Vesper.
If you’re thinking that it’s something that goes “Ha. Ha. Fooled U!” then allow me to disappoint you by sharing that it contains Mr. White’s cell phone number.” Which Bond then uses to track his secret admirer down. Tracking White to Lake Garda, Bond shows his appreciation for White’s appreciation for Bond’s nuts by - shooting him in the knees. THE END.
Now is that in any way how you treat someone who protected your testicles? Tsk, tsk….
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Is CASINO ROYALE as good as everyone says it is? Well, compared to the out-of-control circus that was DIE ANOTHER DAY, a home Bond movie made by a bunch of drunk high school students might be considered better. However, yes, it is that good. Daniel Craig as Bond was the re-invigorating push that the series needed to get back on track.
Giving us a story that took us back down to Earth and to relatable matters like terrorism (as opposed to space-laser-beams and melting ice palaces), gave the movie a sense of immediacy that made CASINO ROYALE of the moment - and not of the 70‘s, which is what DIE ANOTHER DAY felt like in some spots. Hiring Martin Campbell, who helmed a very good entry in GOLDENEYE, was also a smart move. Campbell makes the action brisk and taut, while also slowing the pace down where he needs to - to allow the audience (and Bond) to breathe and to develop other character relationships.
If CASINO ROYALE has a slight flaw, it’s in the casting of Eva Green as Vesper Lynd. This is a crucial role, as Vesper shapes Bond’s world view and feelings towards women with her betrayal. Vesper was meant to be a complicated character, not just an ambiguous and enigmatic one.
Unfortunately, as played by Green, Vesper is just ambiguous and enigmatic. I never got the sense of her conflicted emotions towards Bond. Oh, sure… She tries to convey these emotions, especially in the Lake Garda scenes, but I just didn’t buy it. Green renders the character indecipherable, and for a movie that hinges on this romance, that opaque-ness hinders the emotional core of the film.
Bottom line is I couldn’t figure our why Bond would be so affected by her. Don’t get me wrong - Green is good, especially in her jousting scenes with Bond. It’s just that she doesn’t allow us to see (or even suspect) the internal warring happening inside her. When Bond says to her “I think something is driving you, and I think I’ll never know what that is,” you can’t help but wonder how he knows this.
In short, while Green is good - she’s not good enough. I keep wishing that Rose Byrne (Troy) had been given the role, as was rumored. With eyes capable of expressing infinite unspoken emotion, Byrne would have knocked the role of Vesper out of the park. She would have hinted at the fiery turmoil under Vesper’s icy exterior. With Green, all we see underneath…. is more ice.
But, still, she doesn’t ruin CASINO ROYALE. And it remains a very good entry into the pantheon.
