(So where's the big fat wedding?)
CAST: Nia Vardalos, Richard Dreyfuss, Alexis Gourgoulis, Alistair McGowan, Caroline Goodall, Bernice Stegers, Simon Gleeson, Natalie O'Donnell, Brian Palermo, Jareb Dauplaise.
DIRECTOR: Donald Petrie
WARNING: SPOILERS and inappropriate tourist/tour guide fraternization right up ahead.
When I was living in Italy a few years ago, I went with some friends on a tour of the unspeakably lovely island of Ischia. Our guide on that trip was a lovely lady named Francesca, a stunning Neapolitan beauty with glowing olive skin, shining raven hair, and brown eyes that turned gold under the sun. To say that everyone on the tour wanted to either (1) bang her or (2) be her is like saying that pasta is a little popular in Italy.
Anyhow, what was especially cool about Francesca was the passion and vivacity that she brought to her job. Whether it be taking us ugly Americans through a medicinal spa, or showing us how to read a menu, or instructing us on how to use hand gestures without unwittingly starting a blood feud with the locals, she was always spirited and vibrant and looked like she was having an utter blast.
In fact, she made being a tour guide seem like the most wonderful job in the all the Multi-verses. So much so that I seriously considered staying in Italy to become a tour guide. Then common sense prevailed and I chose a life of drudgery back in the US of A. Yippeee. Shoot me now. But that is another story… Bottom line? Francesca was the kind of guide that every tour should have - smart, sexy, and ineffably fun.
Georgia Ianakapolous (Nia Vardalos), the heroine of MY LIFE IN RUINS, nails the first and second traits. She’s smart (being a former history professor) and sexy (she’s played by Nia Vardalos, who is lovely in a natural and real way). Unfortunately, she’s not much fun. In fact, she’s a bit (okay, more than a bit) of a whiner. A Greek-American, she evidently moved back to the Motherland to teach at Athens University - but got laid off.
Given that she’s a world-class moaner (and not the bedroom kind) is that any kind of surprise? To support herself, she’s had to take a job as a tour guide at PanGloss tours - which, apparently, is definitely not glossy. She also hoped to bring her knowledge of ancient and classical history to shepherding flocks of unruly tourists from one site to another.
Unfortunately, most tourists are more interested in where they can get cheap and cheesy souvenirs instead of the history of the Parthenon. Which doesn’t sit well with Georgia, who mopes about like someone just told her MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING was complete crap. Suffice it so say, Georgia is no Francesca. Not even close. If she would’ve been our guide on Ischia, I think I would strapped cement blocks to her ankles and tossed her into the Mediterranean.
The film begins with yet another tour that Georgia is sure will be no different from all the others that came before. To wit, the trip will (1) be filled with ugly Americans, crazy Brits, drunk Aussies, horny Spanish divorcees, and any other national stereotype you care to mention; (2) her boss (Bernice Stegers) will stick them in the crappiest hotels this side of the Aegean, (3) the other tour led by rival guide Nico (Alistair McGowan) will have insanely luxurious accommodations, (4) Nico will relentlessly torment her, (5) she will have a bus driver who resembles a hot Sasquatch appealingly named Poupi Kakkas (Alexis Gourgoulis), and (6) none of her tour members will give the slightest shit about the Temple of Hephaestos or the Shrine of Athena. In other words, your average nightmare.
The tour gets off to a bumpy start, when Georgia runs afoul (understandably) of a few of the tourists. Chief among them is Irv (Richard Dreyfuss), a old fart who is convinced that everything that sputters out of his mouth is the utmost in side-splitting hilarity. It’s not. He and Georgia go nine rounds until she inadvertently insults him by saying she can understand why his wife left him. Only his wife didn’t leave him - she died. Ooops. Now, it’s distinctly possible that Irv’s wife actually committed suicide to get the hell away from him for good, but Georgia still looks like an insensitive choad to the rest of the group. Somehow, I just don’t see this happening with Francesca.
This forces Georgia to comes down a peg or two and apologize to Irv. Thus begins an unexpected and unlikely friendship that sees Irv acting as a sort of life coach-meets-pimp to our sour and dour tour guide. He counsels her to be open to the opportunities around her. By this, he means: (1) get rid of her cheap polyester tour guide blazer, (2) replace it with low-cut short dresses, (3) and hook up with some of the eligible dudes on the tour. Basically, he wants her to embrace her Inner Ho.
Unfortunately, her choices are a bit limited. The most ideal physical candidate is Barry (Simon Gleeson) a Russell Crowe-lookalike who is unfortunately married to the other Aussie in the group (Natalie O‘Donnell), and it wouldn’t be such a stellar idea for Georgia to add “home-wrecker” to her services as a guide. Side note: I wonder if the casting agent asked for a Russell Crowe clone for this role simply because he’s an Aussie. Hmmmm…. Good choice, though.
The other would-be fuckmates in the group for our heroine are (1) Gator (Jareb Dauplaise), a Florida teen who will likely still be acting like a Florida teen when he’s 80; and (2) Marc (Brian Palermo) , an IHOP executive who is forever on his BlackBerry communicating with the IHOP Mother Ship in an effort to find more communities to inflict IHOP branches on., and (3) our lovable Sasquatch, Poupi. Needless to say, Georgia chooses Marc.
However, this leads to a catastrophic first “date” where Georgia learns far too much about syrup than she cares to know. And let me be clear that, by “syrup”, I don’t mean the kind that you slooooooooooowwwwllllyyyy dribble all over your lover while he/she/it is handcuffed to your bed - then sloooooooooowwwlllyyyyyyy lick off until he/she/it can’t take it anymore and explodes like Mt. Vesuvius. No - when I say “syrup” I mean, “the kind you pour on flapjacks in the morning while yelling for the kids to get their asses down to eat breakfast before you flush it all down the garbage disposal.” In other words, “yawn.”
Finally, after a visit to the Temple of Delphi, where Irv acts like some sort of slurring and deranged Oracle, Georgia realizes that it’s Poupi she really wants. Because he’s a really great guy - even if he is named after something that comes out of your ass. Soon, Poupi and Georgia are crossing work boundaries and slapping bellies (and other body parts) while sweating profusely.
This has a rejuvenating effect on our tour guide, as great sex generally does, and she pretty much floats above the ground and makes radical changes to her itinerary, which was just a little less interesting than a lecture given by that monotone teacher from FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF. Say, maybe he’s actually Georgia’s pops back in the States.
At any rate, Georgia decides to have a “beach day.” In a montage sequence set to some cheesy pop music, Georgia and her wards frolic their tanned and toned bodies under the Aegean sun. This all poses a problem for Georgia, though. See, earlier in the trip when she was still a major pill, she decided she’d had enough of Greece and PanGloss tours and mailed her resignation back to her boss in Athens.
So what’s a girl to do now that she thinks she’s found true love? Well, if you’re Georgia Ianakapoulos you thank your lucky stars when it turns out that the lecherous hotel clerk who mailed out your resignation letter also accidentally spilled coffee all over it - smearing the words and fooling your boss into thinking the letter was actually a “Thank You” letter. Oh, and because it turns out a university in the States wants to hire Georgia as a professor, her boss offers her a 20% raise to stay in Greece. Which Georgia accepts. Not that it’s necessary, because the only “raise” that Georgia really needs, apparently, is in Poupi’s pants.
And they lived hornily ever after...
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Call me insane, but I had high hopes for MY LIFE IN RUINS when I first saw the trailers. I guess I'm a sucker for films about women in foreign locales who "find themselves." Witness the piece of sweetness that was UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN. Indeed, I was hoping this would be something along those lines: UNDER THE AEGEAN SUN, if you will. Unfortunately, while the story does take place under said sun, it doesn't have anywhere near the depth and texture of that Diane Lane near-masterpiece. Instead, it substitutes easy yuks and obvious gags for most of the running time, short-changing the plot thread of its heroine's transformation.
While Nia Vardalos is charming and funny, she is also stuck playing a character who is whiny and nagging for most of the early going. Of course, this is necessary for Georgia's eventual mellowing, but it does test the audience's good will. Fortunately, Vardalos is so engaging the we don't lose sympathy with Georgia, even though we come close. And she's aided by the good supporting cast led by Richard Dreyfus. These folks are all pretty entertaining - even if most of them are playing stereotypes. Still, they mesh well with Vardalos. Unfortunately, the script doesn't give Georgia much of an arc besides going from uptight to glowing. We never get a sense of her as a full character with an inner life. Unlike Diane Lane in the UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN, who was basically transparent and who we just "got.". But then again, maybe MY LIFE IN RUINS never aspired to be that kind of movie. Maybe it was just meant to be your average funny-enough film about foreigners overseas. In that regard, it succeeded. It's funny enough, but it's also average. Obviously meant to capitalize on the Greco-mania sparked by MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, MY LIFE IN RUINS can only stand in that film's shadow.
