(It’s no DARK KNIGHT, but its got what DARK KNIGHT doesn’t have - Jessica Alba’s ass and Chris Evans’ abs. Making it all good, thanks…)
CAST: Ioan Gruffaud, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon.
DIRECTOR: Tim Story
WARNING: SPOILERS and slippery drool ahead….
The last two reviews covered two of the best examples of the “Superhero” genre: THE DARK KNIGHT and BATMAN BEGINS. Both films combined gripping action with deeper themes about humanity and justice. So it’s only fitting that the next two reviews be from the same genre, albeit from the shallow end of the pool. Yes, folks, I’m talking about FANTASTIC FOUR and its sequel. But don’t worry: just because a movie has no aspirations other than to admire Jessica Alba’s cleavage or Chris Evans’ chest hair pattern, doesn’t mean it has no value. In fact, it can be very valuable, indeed.
FANTASTIC FOUR opens with brief sketches on our main characters: Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffaud), newly-bankrupt entrepreneur trying to sell his idea of studying mysterious solar winds for the purpose of... well, who cares; Victor Von Doom, the rich, sphincter-impaired schmuck whom Reed is trying to sell his hare-brained idea to; Sue Storm, the hot blonde scientist that both Victor and Reed are playing “dueling hard-ons” over; Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) a lunkhead of indeterminate current occupation, but who was obviously once a military man, judging by the spastic way he jumps to attention whenever anyone calls out “Room, Ten-hut!!!“, however unbelievably; and last, but certainly, not the least, Johnny Storm (Chris Evans), your textbook bad boy who always seems one come-hither look away from fucking anything within ten feet of him - man, woman, vegetable, or furniture. Or maybe I’m just a degenerate.
No sooner have we met this fivesome do we follow them up onto Victor’s space station, where they plan to rendezvous with the aforementioned solar winds. Needless to say, Victor fell for Reed’s shpiel with the vigor of a hooker going down on her landlord on the first of the month. Unfortunately, Reed’s shpiel must not have a contingency plan, because as soon as the solar winds show the first signs of not marching to the group’s tune, he yells, “ABORT!!!” What the hell? You guys just barely arrived! Anyway, the solar winds slam into the space station and Johnny, Reed, Ben, and Sue are “contaminated” by them. Victor Von Pussy remains in the safety (he thinks) of the station’s interior. Just you wait, buddy…
Anyhow, the fivesome re-awaken back on Earth, where they immediately discover that they have, um, special abilities. Sue can vanish at will, and by that I don’t mean she dyes her hair brown and goes dowdy. I mean she actually vanishes. Into thin air. With only her clothes bobbing around. As for the others, Reed turns into Plastic Man; Ben turns into a walking boulder; Victor turns into walking scrap metal; and, last but certainly not the least, Johnny discovers that he can turn smokin’ hot in 0 to 2.5 seconds. By “smokin’ hot” I do not mean “sexy as fuck.” After all, this is Chris Evans we’re talking about here. I'm sure he was wowing women as early as the nurses in the delivery room, and was probably voted “Most Likely To Secretly Pose for PLAYGIRL Only To Be Exposed One Day Before Graduation” in high school. In short, his appeal is just fine, thank you. No - by “smokin’ hot” I mean he can burst into flames at will. Guess who’s not going to get along with Smoky “Only You Can Stop Forest Fires” The Bear on the next camping trip.
When the film is not obsessing over Sue’s tits or Johnny’s pecs, it’s tracing the fivesome’s reactions to their new-found abilities. Sue, Johnny, Ben, and Reed pretty much adjust to their new talents - while Victor pretty much goes ape-shit-whackjob-psycho over his. Of course, I humbly submit that he was pretty fucked in the head to begin with, judging from his earlier attempts to woo Sue by coming on to her like the world’s oldest and creepiest schoolboy. I’m not sure what terrifying playbook he got his moves from, but suffice it to say that he’s the kind of guy that books like “She’s Just Not That Into You” get written about. At any rate, Victor promptly becomes the film’s villain and tries to wreak havoc on the local populace because (1) he is basically a loser with money, and (2) Sue would rather eat broken glass and wash it down with vinegar than touch any square centimeter of his body, and (3) this movie needs a bad guy because it can’t be all about Jessica Alba’s smooth torso and Chris Evan’s hairy one. Actually, it could, but then it would be just us perverts in the theatre.
Anyhow, the Fantastic Foursome eventually engages the Ominous Onesome in a battle to the death that generates real suspense and terror because it would such a shame for Jessica Alba and Chris Evans’ well-toned physiques to be damaged in such a way. About Ben and Reed, I couldn’t give a fuck because they‘re just not as beautiful as the Storms. Unfortunately, my vote doesn’t count, so they survive anyway. It goes without saying that FF manage to beat the OO - and banish him to the moon or something. But if you think that the studio is going to let the door close on this potential franchise when there’s so much more area to explore on Jessica Alba and Chris Evans’ bodies, then you are a normal human being who does not at all drool over celebrities that you will never have. I feel sorry for you. What a sad life you must lead.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: So it’s not THE DARK KNIGHT. But guess what? FANTASTIC FOUR doesn’t want to be that kind of movie. It just wants to entertain you, make you laugh a little, make you jump a lot, and, if you’re a degenerate like me, make you drool a whole lot more. The cast is quite good and seems to be having fun. Jessica Alba does very well and holds her own against her mostly male cast - and is one beautiful woman. Ioan Gruffaud is good as the leader of the FOUR, while Michael Chiklis turns in a great performance - considering most of it is buried under five or six feet of lava rock. Julian McMahon is quietly menacing as Victor. But Chris Evans steals the show with his energetic and lively portrayal of a bad-boy who is smarter than he portrays himself to be. Interestingly, he and Jessica Alba have a chemistry that is much more potent than your typical brother-sister connection. Be great to have them play romantic leads in another movie. I’d sleep on the sidewalk for that one.
And, seriously... who is Chris and Jessica's trainer? Sign. Me. Up.
