(Maximus not-quite-in tights... not that Maximus-in-tights would be a bad thing...)
DIRECTOR: Ridley Scott
CAST: Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Max Von Sydow, Mark Strong, Mark Addy, Oscar Isaac, Eileen Atkins, Lea Seydoux, Danny Huston.
WARNING: SPOILERS and unabashed Russell Crowe-worship up ahead...
If you happened to stumble into the theatre, drunk out of your gourd, you would be forgiven for thinking of this film as "GLADIATOR with a bow and arrow." Ridley Scott? Check. Russell Crowe? Check. Bleak blue-gray cinematography? Check. Score by Hans Zimmer and Lisa Gerrard. Well... not quite. But we still get the same type of rousing action score with melancholy undertones.
This movie began life as a script called NOTTINGHAM, which was reportedly the subject of a bidding frenzy that resulted in a pretty nifty payday for its writers. The novel twist was that Robin Hood was the antagonist (read: not the hero) and the Sheriff of Nottingham was the protagonist (read: the character most likely to be the hero). Why else call it NOTTINGHAM if it was going to be a standard re-telling of the Robin Hood legend?
Now, I've read NOTTINGHAM and I do admit that it was very entertaining. But I have to agree with what Mr. Crowe and Mr. Scott have said in interviews: 1.) the novelty of the role-reversal between Robin and the Sheriff was short-lived, and (2) too much time would have to be spent explaining that title, as in "This is a Robin Hood movie, people, not a sequel to NOTTING HILL set during Medieval times." (If you're a screenwriter, try pitching that one at your next meeting... I dare you.)
So... the long process of turning NOTTINGHAM into what is essentially ROBIN HOOD BEGINS commenced. What we have now is an "origins" story that shows how Robin Longstride (Russell, the Awesome) became Robin of da Hood - or the Gangstah with the Quivah.
We start in the middle of the crusades, where King Richard the Lionheart (Danny Huston) who apparently is a lush judging from the wine glass permanently fixed to his hand, is preparing to lead his men into battle against a well-fortified French castle. Now, I have to admit that I laughed out loud when King Rick rushed forward on his trusty steed, waving his sword to lead the charge - only to get thwacked right in the gullet by a French arrow. Reminds me of the scene in DEEP BLUE SEA (review coming) where Sam Jackson gives his empowering speech to his fellow survivors - only to be chomped in half by a psycho mutant shark. Lesson? Sometimes bravado and arrogance invites a smackdown of hilarious proportions. Or am I simply demented?
Anyhow, King Rick bites the big one. Meanwhile, our hero Robin Longstride and his three pals who will later be his band of merry men, high-tail it for the French coast to catch the Calais hydrofoil across the English Channel. You see, Robin is an archer for King Rick's army, and he's a little disgruntled. And when King Rick exits stage left in a colorful gurgle of blood and schadenfreude, Robin's like "Fuck it. Outta this biyatch." I could talk about the thorny issue of our hero being a deserter, but I won't because: 1) he's played by Russell, the Awesome and, 2) this is a Robin Hood movie, and, 3) I'll be typing all night.
So Russell, er, Robin and his Peanut Gallery reach England where, in a series of "WTF?" plot developments, Robin is forced to pretend he is King Rick's slain number two, Sir Robert of Locksley, who is returning with the dead king's crown to return to his mother. Robin, masquerading as Sir Robert, hands the crown of the dead king to his mother, Queen Eleanor of Aquitane (Eileen Atkins, in a role that Vanessa Redgrave originally had). If Queen Ellie wonders how an "aristocrat" could have such rough and sexy hands, she doesn't show it. Or maybe she's too grief-stricken, and I'm just a degenerate.
Robin and his Peanut Gallery must continue with the charade and pay a visit to Robert Locksley's widow, Marion (Cate Blanchett, AKA Meryl Steep Jr.). Sparks fly between Russell and Cate, er, Robin and Marion. Fortunately, Ridley Scott and his writers don't overdo the "I hate you, I love you, will you screw me?" bickering between these two characters. There's a fine art to sexual tension and Mr. Crowe and Ms. Blanchett pull it off magnificently. By the way, there's a stellar beefcake shot of Mr. Crowe from this movie that I feel the producers should turn into a mass-market poster the same way the CHARLIE'S ANGELS producers did with Farrah Fawcett (bless her soul) in the 70's. I know of at least 40 people on my street alone who would buy it. Hell, maybe I'll sell them some.
So while Robin and Marion are engaging in their own form of foreplay, things are getting interesting back in Buckingham Palace (or whatever the hell they called the British version of the White House back in the day). See, King Rick's pretty-but-spineless brother John (Oscar Isaac) has been given the throne and crown and is busy compensating for what I'm sure is a very tiny penis by basically being a complete jackass to his constituents. His new French wife, Isabella (Lea Seydoux) and Queen Ellie try their best to reign him in, but trying to control an insecure and egotistical punk is like trying to extinguish a house fire with gallons of vodka. Needless to say, I feel sorry for these two women. They have their work cut out for them.
By the way, you'd be forgiven for thinking that King John is basically Commodus (Maximus' nemesis from GLADIATOR), but slightly less of a pussy. You'd also be forgiven for thinking that Isabella and Eleanor are basically Lucilla (Maximus' love interest from GLADIATOR), but portrayed by two characters. Although neither of these women have any romantic connection to Robin, they both serve as the checks-and-balance to a colosally misguided asshole in very much he same way Lucilla did against Commodus. Props to Ridley and his writers for giving importance to the other women in the movie, and not just Marion.
Eventually, it turns out that King John has trusted the wrong people, including his number two, Godfrey (Mark Strong). It's up to Isabella and Eleanor to talk some sense into this nitwit and get him to rally up the troops to save England from the enroaching French army, whom Godfrey has been sleeping with. Figuratively speaking. I hope. Otherwise, he's going to be very, very sore.
You're probably wondering where Robin and Marion are in all of this. Well, they have been busy falling in love in the cow country, of course. But have no fear.... Eventually, Robin decides to help in the battle to keep the French off English soil and leads the charge on his trusty steed. Since this is Russell the Awesome, we don't have to worry about him getting thwacked in the gullet by a French Arrow. There a couple of close calls, though. But the home team is helped somewhat by Marian showing up with what looks like the stand-ins for the Lost Boys, riding on what looks like a fleet of midget ponies. No, I'm not kidding.
Soon enough, the French turn tail and sail back across the Channel to Calais, wondering why the hell they listened to Godfrey in the first place, considering the guy ate an oyster with his own blood smeared on it (watch the movie and see). Back in Britain, King John is still suffering from "Little Dick Syndrome" and is supremely pissed that Robin basically saved the day, and not him. So he does what any guy suffering from "Little Dick Syndrome" would do - he declares Robin to be an "outlaaaaaaaw!!!" to be hunted for as long as it rains in England. In other words, better find a really good hiding place, Robin.
The last shot shows Robin, Marian, the Band of Merry Men, and the stand-ins for the Lost Boys setting up their crib in a remote part of Sherwood forest. This implies that there will be a sequel, basically THE DARK KNIGHT - with a shitload of bows and arrows. As long as ROBIN HOOD 2 features another scene of Russell aiming an arrow into the air in an impossible last ditch effort to kill the fleeing bad guy, and then have the arrow THWACK the mutherfucker right in the back of his neck, consider me there.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: This was more than GLADIATOR 2. I think Russ and Rid did the right thing by changing the original NOTTINGHAM story to this reboot version. The action was great, the stars had chemistry, and the score was evocative and effective. Also, it's good to see the female characters (Marian, Eleanor, Isabella) having a say in the plot. Then again, that's Ridley Scott's trademark - strong female characters. And Russell Crowe, who's fucking awesome.
