(The spawn of Will Smith vows that no one will ever beat the shit out of him ever again - so he learns Karate. Er, Kung fu… Wait, so why is this thing called “The Karate--” Oh, forget it.)
CAST: Jaden Smith, Jackie Chan, Taraji P. Henson, Han Wenwen, Zhenwei Wang, Rongguang Yu.
DIRECTOR: Harald Zwart.
WARNING: SPOILERS and gross Chinese snacks and title confusion up ahead...
There’s a four-question test that will reveal whether or not you will enjoy THE KARATE KID remake: 1) How much did you enjoy the original starring Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita? 2) Do you prefer your films set in familiar surroundings, or strange and exotic ones? 3) Do you have any reservations about Will Smith? 4) Do you have problems with illogical titles?
These are all important questions because: 1) If you didn’t care for the original KARATE KID, you will likely not give a dog’s dick about this iteration, and 2) If you don’t like watching films set in places where they eat scorpions and preying mantis and other vile insects on stick, you will probably vomit right in your seat, and 3) If you don’t like Will Smith, then you won’t take kindly to his Mini-Me (read: son Jaden) being in almost every single scene of this movie, and (4) If you hate movie titles that have absolutely nothing to do with the movies they are attached to, then…. Bottom line: if more than two of the preceding four possibilities apply, you might as well take your disgruntled ass down to TOY STORY 3.
So…. Here are my answers: 1) Loved the original KARATE KID, and 2) the more exotic the setting, the better, and 3) Will Smith is my Godfather, which makes his son my brother, and (4) well…. Hmmm… Okay, fine: I guess I don’t understand why the fuck they called it THE KARATE KID if, this time around, they’re learning Kung-Fu. Or am I being the average illiterate American? So, I guess… 3 out of 4? Which still keeps me on the side of Pro, as far as this movie is concerned.
The movie kicks off with single mom Sherry Parker (Taraji P. Henson) and son Dre (Will Smith’s walking DNA sample, Jaden) moving from Detroit to Beijing, where Sherry has taken a job at a car factory. Presumably, it’s a pretty high-level position because: 1) no company would pay for a secretary to move across the Pacific, and 2) Sherry and Dre are greeted by a smiling Chinese corporate rep who pronounces their name “Pucker,” and 3) mother and son are deposited at a highrise apartment building called “Beverly Hills Luxury Apartments.” Ever the optimist, Sherry crows about how they’ve always wanted to live in Beverly Hills. Dre helpfully points out that he always meant the one on the OTHER side of the Pacific. Like, you know, the direction they came from?
No matter. Mom is so determined to make a go of this new job and home, and encourages Dre to go out and explore his new neighborhood. During one of Dre’s wanderings, he meets the building maintenance man, Han (Jackie Chan). Dre’s initial impression of Han is that the he’s one gross and weird mo-fo, because: 1) he completely ignores Dre, and (2) he interrupts his lunch of noodles to catch a fly with his chopsticks, and 3) without running the chopsticks under scalding hot water or disinfectant, he goes right back to using them to stuff noodles into his whiskered Chinese trap. As you can imagine, this leaves quite a mark on young Dre, as evidenced by the way he turns tail and dashes for the safety of home and clean eating utensils. Probably afraid that if he stays any longer, Han will force him to eat noodles with the same chopsticks.
During another one Dre’s explorations, he meets shy and pretty Meiying (Han Wenwen), who is into playing the violin and smiling coyly at mini-Will-Smiths with Predator dreadlocks. Sensing that he’s got a shot, Dre hams it up by pulling a mid-80’s robotic moonwalk dance move. Fortunately, China is probably at least 20 years behind the United States when it comes to pop-culture, so Meiying has no idea that she is witnessing something that a more sophisticated audience would have busted out laughing at - after staring at each other in utter disbelief, that is. Even more fortunately, local school-bully Cheng (Zhenwei Wang) happens to be nearby and is one such sophisticated person, and sees Dre’s moonwalk-spasm for the anachronistic posturing that it is. Doing the responsible thing, Cheng comes over to save Dre from further embarassment - by smacking him upside the head. Again. And again - and again. Until Dre is left cowering on the ground, cursing the day he ever listened to his father Will’s counsel on how to bag the babes.
This animosity between Dre and Cheng builds to a fever pitch until, one day, Dre is cornered by Cheng and his pack of Cheng-lookalikes. Determined to punish Dre for bringing dishonor to China by moonwalking/robotdancing (badly) in broad daylight, Cheng and his clones beat the tar out of Dre. Just as he’s about to deliver the death blow and save China from even more misguided ‘80’s dance moves, Cheng fist is blocked by - SURPRISE - Han, the maintenance man who doesn’t mind sharing his chopstick with dead flies. Han proceeds to mop the floor with Cheng and company. Later, Han and Dre (who is so grateful for being saved that he is willing to forget Han’s gross incident with the chopsticks and the fly) visit the Kung-Fu school where Cheng and his rat pack squirm under the tutelage of Master Li (Rongguang Yu). Master Li, it should be noted, either has the worst haircut known to man (think a bowl cut spliced with the 'do of Mo from the Three Stooges), or is really bald and has the worst toupee known to man. Either way, it’s understandable that he’s somewhat bitter and takes out his frustration about his horrible hair on his poor students - who then, in turn, take out their frustration on Dre for his fourth-rate dance moves. Bad hair begets violence, apparently.
Han challenges Master Li to let Dre face off against Cheng and his entourage in the Open Kung-Fu tournament (Again I ask: why is this called THE KARATE KID? Okay, I’ll stop now). In the original, Pat Morita surreptitiously trained Daniel-san by forcing him to wax his car and paint his house. Evidently, the moves that Daniel was using to accomplish this forced slave labor was actually building the Karate muscles in his limbs. In the remake, Han forces Dre to take off his jacket, toss it onto the floor, hang it up - the do it all over again - for at least 78,000,000 times. Just when Dre can’t take it anymore, Han launches a barrage of punches and kicks at him - and lo and behold: the baby Predator is able to fend off the aging Chinaman as if he were a Kung Fu master-in-training. Which I guess he is (again, why is this called KARATE K--- Stop. STOP!).
Anyhow, it all culminates at a grand tournament just like the original did. Dre and Cheng face off against their respective opponents, whittling down the list until they are the only two left. As with the original, the final battle to the death is tense and exciting, even more so here because the deft editing makes the punches and kicks land with real intensity. Eventually, Dre remembers a technique that he learned when he accompanied Han to a remote mountain top shrine where a female Shaolin warrior basically dirty-danced with Cobra, hypnotizing the snake into a daze. Dre uses this move on Cheng, who understandably is perturbed as to why this dreadlocked, pint-sized Will Smith is suddenly making googley eyes at him. Paralyzed by a moment of homophobia, Cheng can only watch as Dre seizes the opportunity to leap into the air and bitch-kick Cheng into the next dimension. So basically, Dre uses the tried-and-true “Bugs Bunny Bats his Eyelashes at Elmer Fudd” technique to vanquish his enemy. Who said cartoons were of no value?
BUT, SERIOUSLY: While the freshness factor is understandably less present in THE KARATE KID 2010 because it is a remake, the Chinese setting actually allows the film to stake some ground that its predecessor didn’t. It’s really cool to see everyday China portrayed without a gauze of glamour. Everything feels and looks realistic and commonplace. This helps us relate to the characters because we end up seeing them as real human beings, and not idealized archetypes moving through a rose-colored exotic locale. Jaden Smith does well, and has his father’s screen presence. It’ll be interesting to see how he develops his talent. Jackie Chan was surprisingly touching and compelling in this. He actually is able to sell the seriousness of his character, while leavening it a little with his trademark humor. Taraji P. Henson and Han Wenwen are both warm and appealing as the central females of the story. All in all, this one of the best remakes ever…
But I still don’t understand why they call it KARATE KID if he actually studied Kung-Fu? Okay, goddamnit…. I’m going to STOP.
