(Murder and danger on the Kalalau trail - and that’s just the treacherous path. Don’t get me started about the psycho Nick-and-Norah stalking it…)
CAST: Steve Zahn, Milla Jovovich, Timothy Olyphant, Kiele Sanchez, Marley Shelton, Chris Hemsworth.
DIRECTOR: David Twohy.
WARNING: No SPOILERS this time, folks. This is the kind of movie that you want to go in knowing as little as possible. Know what I’m saying?
After three days of mediocre-to-average movies, it’s refreshing to return to appealing territory. You know - the territory of good movies? Or at least movies that don’t make you wish you could send that ghost-chick from THE GRUDGE after the screenwriters responsible - and after everyone they ever banged in their life. Just to ensure that the douchebags' genes do not spread any further.
This review is going to be SPOILER-free, and shorter than most of my rambling epics. Thank. Christ. I'm sure you're thinking. But, no, I'm not doing this to spare you the agony of reading for hours. My rationale: the less you know about A PERFECT GETAWAY, the more it will ram you hard - and trust me: you’ll like the ramming. Unfortunately, I knew far too much about the movie going in. However, even with that I still enjoyed it immensely. I can only imagine how I would have reacted knowing just the bare minimum of premise and characters. But that’s what I’m giving you folks: the bare minimum. You’ll thank me later.
We open with video footage showing clips from a wedding. Some choice moments: the guests gushing about how perfect the bride and groom are for one another, the bridesmaids running for the bouquet like it’s a $5,000 gift card to Banana Republic, and the grooms racing away from the garter like it just came off the decaying corpse of 129-year old hooker. You know - the usual wedding stuff.
Cut to Cliff and Cydney Anderson (Stevie Z. and Milla J.), the newlyweds from the video, as they explore Kauai, obviously now on their honeymoon. They decide to trek the famous (or should I say, infamous) Kalalau trail - a torturous path that winds across miles and miles and miles of sheer cliffs, steep valleys, and dense jungle - leading to, well, a rather ordinary-looking beach. Sorry, but when you’ve been to the Indian Ocean, everything else pales in comparison.
As C & C begin their hike, they hear about the news of a murdered couple in Honolulu - and the reports that the police believe the killers may have jumped islands. When I say “killers,” I don’t mean Katherine Heigl or Ashton Kutcher. However, I do mean a man and a woman. Just as soon as it is established that our villains are a couple, the movie parades suspect couple after suspect couple in front of Cliff and Cyd, if only to try to get their goat - and ours. I was starting to expect Brainy Smurf and Smurfette to make a sinister appearance. A few of the potential deadly-duos: Nicko and Gina (Timothy Olyphant and Kiele Sanchez), a southern couple - he with a steel plate in his head, and she with a tendency to gut mountain goats and say “whoopty-ta!”; Kale and Cleo (Chris Hemsworth and Marley Shelton), he a surly walking poster boy for White Trash, she a chatty walking poster girl for White Trash - who also got married in a Grocery Store - enough said; and lastly, an unnamed (that I remember anyway) Hawaiian dude and his “bitch.” Yes, he actually refers to his girlfriend as his “bitch.” Try that on the mainland, buddy.
Anyhow, suffice it to say that the deeper Cliff and Cyd go down the trail, the more EVERYONE looks suspicious. And the more A PERFECT GETAWAY plays mindgames with us - and them. Finally, they all reach Kalalau beach, where the well-traveled among them suppress the urge to yell, “I walked for a whole fucking day across jungles and valleys and rain and rocks - just for this?”
But, I will say no more… Except that A PERFECT GETAWAY culminates in a bravura climax where everything is revealed, some people die, other people fight for their lives, and the unassuming among you get rammed like you were the leading lady in a John Holmes movie. You have been warned.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: But, seriously… A PERFECT GETAWAY was great: a nice throwback to thrillers that took their time to tighten their grip around your ankles - the pull you off your feet. The entire cast is great - not a single off-note among them. That’s all I’m going to say here. Oh, wait… I did want to add that the movie’s score is very sad and lovely - especially the “Wedding” theme. Worth seeking out to listen to. Over and over again.
Now… go forth and get rammed. Hard.
