(What would happen if you cross-bred a chicken, a stingray, and a hot bald babe?)
CAST: Sarah Polley, Adrien Brody, Simona Macianescu, Delphine Chaneac, Brandon McGibbon, David Hewlett, Abigail Chu.
DIRECTOR: Vincenzo Natali
WARNING: SPOILERS (and much grossness) up ahead...
When we went to see SPLICE last weekend, one of my friends was deathly afraid that it was going to be an ALIEN clone. You know - the kind of movie where a group of people find themselves picked off in some science lab or spaceship by an icky something bearing a strong resemblance to a giant leech. Turns out he didn't have to worry. SPLICE has no intention of cloning ALIEN. However, it first appears that it has every intention of cloning SPECIES: the hot-babe-who-just-happens to be a bad-ass-alien flick that, itself, was an ALIEN clone. Try not to think about it too much or you'll go nuts. But then, it goes its own twisted path...
Anyhow, SPLICE kicks off with smarty-pants (and-in-each-other's-pants)scientists Clive Nicoli and Elsa Kant (Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley). Apparently, the Dynamic Duo has been working on a genetic experiment that has created a pair of cute/disgusting creatures called Fred and Ginger who resemble giant slugs. We see Fred and Ginger flirt and be coy with each other. Fine, if you like that kind of thing. But Fred and Ginger were created not to just give perverts something unusual to leer at. Evidently, their genetic make-up is full of proteins that can cure many diseases. Or something.
But this isn't enough for Clive and Elsa. Apparently, they want to take it to the next level. If you're thinking "Hey, they want to add human DNA to the mix" then you just won yourself a free DVD of SPLICE when it comes out. Just tell your local Best Buy that I said so. At any rate, icy corporate sponsor Joan Chorot (Simona Macianescu - I'm not sure which name is more difficult to pronounce)admires Elsa's passion. Just not enough to sanction any illegal experiments with human DNA. So she tells the lovebirds to take a hike and get back to work making more Freds and Gingers. Ugh.
Not to be deterred, Elsa forges ahead and shoves her DNA into a petri dish full of... well, I'm not exactly sure. At any rate, the resulting concoction oddly resembles a kitten, a chicken, and a human ass. No, really. Watch the movie and tell me that thing doesn't look like someone's whiskered butt hardwired to a pair of chicken legs. Anyhow, much to Clive's dismay, this thing grows rather fast and into - much to Elsa's dismay later on - a kind of hot-looking woman that they name Dren (Nerd spelled backwards - don't ask). Dren is played with eerie expressiveness and hypnotic grace by Delphine Chaneac. Which doesn't bode well for the audience when Clive starts throwing her meaningful looks. Or am I - and I have asked this question before - a degenerate?
Soon, it becomes impossible for Clive and Elsa to continue to keep Dren in the lab. So they sneak her out in the middle of the night to the abandoned farm (don't ask) that used to belong to Elsa's abusive mother (I said, don't ask). They keep Dren out in the barn where it doesn't take long for claustrophobia to set in. Suffice it to say, confinement is all it takes to turn the once-angelic (if a little scary) freak into a fucking-scary freak. Speaking of fucking, this is exactly what Dren does to Clive one afternoon. And who can blame Clive for going for some hybrid-loving when Elsa is too busy ignoring him in favor of her little experiment from hell.
Long story-short, Elsa catches Dren and Clive in mid-coitus. This doesn't sit well with Elsa, who naturally tells Clive that they have to get rid of the pretty little monstrosity. But not out of jealousy, she assures him with an admirably straight face. Right, E... Clive goes along with this, but when they go back to the barn to do the deed, they find out that Dren has saved them the trouble and drowned in the little well in the back. Ecstatic at the idea of not having to get freakazoid blood on their hands, the Dynamic Duo quickly bury their creation behind the barn and rush off, obviously eager to fuck with Mother Nature in a way that this time doesn't result in a sex-hungry half-woman, half-chicken, half-something else.
Alas, they are stopped by Clive's younger, but equally-morose, brother Gavin (Brandon McGibbon) and corporate asshole William Barlow (David Hewlett). Barlow is a little pissed because Gavin has basically sold his brother out about Dren, and Barlow is curious if she is a good lay. Kidding. He just wants to examine the corpse. And I don't know which is weirder. Anyway, their little meeting is interrupted when Dren erupts from the ground, all buff and stocky with something swinging between her legs. If you're thinking, "What? Dren metamorphed from Dren to Dren-with-a-Dick?" then you get another free copy of SPLICE when it comes out on DVD. You want to keep doing this? At this rate, you'll have your own SPLICE library.
To wrap things up, Dren-with-a-Dick kills Gavin and Barlow (Thank. You.), knocks Clive into a freezing river, and chases and traps Elsa under a tree, where he proceeds to get all romantic and shit. If you're thinking "What? Dren-with-a-dick fucks the living shit out of Elsa?" you just won the entire stock of SPLICE at your local Best Buy and Fred Meyer, combined. Now knock it off. I don't have any more free crap to give out. So... Clive emerges from the river and reaches Elsa just right when - of course - Dren-with-a-dick blows his freakazoid wad. Ooops. Upset that his post-coital cigarette break is being interrupted, DWAD promptly kills Clive. But, just as the lovesick genetic mistake turns to cuddle with Elsa, she bashes his brains in with a rock. How's that for basking in the afterglow?
SPLICE ends with Joan Chorot (love. LOVE. LOVE that name!)offering the now pregant Elsa, like, a gazillion dollars to carry her mystery child to term. Obviously, Joan is under the impression that Elsa is carrying Dren-With-A-Dick, Jr., and is just rubbing her hands at the scientific implications. It never dawned on either woman that there's the slim possibility of, oh I don't know, the baby being Clive's. But I suppose we'll find out in a few months. If the Stork drops them an infant that looks like a miniature version of Adrien Brody, I will never stop screaming.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: So... SPLICE won my respect (and my friend's)for not going the "It's in the airlock!!!" route. It easily could have, the way SPECIES did. Despite some strong overall similarities, SPLICE has a much higher IQ. Instead, this flick delves into some uncomfortably gray areas and some very dark places. The entire cast did quite well - especially Delphine Chaneac as Dren. Intelligent and disturbing, SPLICE burrows its way into your memory and stays there for a while. I will not look at chickens and bald chicks the same way ever again....
