(Imagine if your cat was a 1,000 times bigger, could fly, breathe fire, and generally kick ass - yours included - anytime he felt like it. Scared yet? Good. I am.)
CAST: Voices of Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, America Ferrera, Craig Ferguson, Jonah Hill, Christopher Mintz- Plaase.
DIRECTOR: Dean Deblois and Chris Sanders
WARNING: SPOILERS and pale, grumpy Vikings up ahead...
Before I begin the review for HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, let me introduce you to my cat Casper. Casper is an American Shorthair who is snow-white (figure out the name, geniuses) and stocky as a bull. About as stubborn as one, too. And I’m absolutely certain that the creators of this film based Toothless the Dragon on him. I wonder if they’ll share some of that box-office gold with me? I know Casper could use a lifetime supply of Fancy Feast Entrees. And I could use a new Lexus SUV. I make this claim because the longer I watched HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, the more I saw resemblances between my white little furry terrorist with claws. Of course, you could argue that the makers of HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON likely based Toothless on all cats, in general, and not my cat, specifically. You could make that argument. But then I could give you the finger in response. Allow me my delusions, por favor.
Anyhow, Toothless doesn’t show up until a little later in the film. First we learn that the inhabitants of a sleepy medieval fishing village in Norway have long lived under siege from a fleet of fire-breathing dragons. And by “fire-breathing dragons” I don’t mean the women-folk, m’kay? I’m talking about actual fire-breathing dragons. The ones that swoop out of the air and snatch sheep in mid-grass-feasting (as in one heartbreaking scene - heart-breakingly funny, that is) These monstrosities generally look and behave like your average Frat Boy after a super-serious kegger: gross and cranky. We get to meet Hiccup (voiced by Jay Baruchel) and his Alpha-Male pops, Stoick (voiced by Gerard Butler), as well as Stoicks rather ugly pal, Gobber (Craig Ferguson, voice of) and Astrid (America Ferrera), the Alpha-Female-in-Training whom Hiccup is nursing a massive crush (and boner) for. There are also a variety of other teens voiced by Jonah Hill and Christopher Minz-Plaas (sp?), who generally make life unpleasant for scrawny ol’ Hiccup.
The story kicks it up a notch when Hiccup unwittingly downs one of the most elusive species of Dragons. I speak of the Night Fire - so called because it blends into the darkness and can only be tracked by its fiery breath. Like certain friends of mine who wander home from the local bar at 4 in the morning. Just follow the scent of whiskey…. But I digress. Hiccup finally tracks down the downed Night Fire, which turns out to be Toothless, the dragon who bears an uncanny resemblance to my cat. Never mind that Toothless is as black as my Aunt Delilah’s heart, and Casper is as white as Norwegian ass. They move the same. They act the same. They are the same. Especially when Toothless is trying to befriend Hiccup by puking up a half-masticated, half-digested fish as a token of his deep appreciation. Similarly, Casper thinks he can con me into loving him by depositing half of a mouse’s head on my pillow. Thanks, Cas, but - really - you shouldn’t have. So I feel Hiccup’s pain. Believe me.
At any rate, Hiccup and Toothless forge an unlikely (only if you didn’t see a single trailer or poster for the movie, that is) bond. Thus begins Hiccup’s slow realization that “Hey, Dragons ain’t so bad. You just have to get used to them. Like Will Ferrell.” Eventually, Astrid and the other teens discover Hiccup’s secret. Being mature and intelligent and pragmatic, they respond by insisting on having gnarly dragons of their own. This all proves useful when Hiccup and his posse must stop the menfolk of the village from tracking down the lair of the dragons and annihilating them with…. I guess their body odor and bad breath. Let’s face it: these guys have been battling these creatures with flaming arrows and fireballs for centuries and it hasn’t done shit. They better have something else up their sleeve, or the Head Dragon Villain is going to turn their hairy (if pale) Viking asses into Dragon Kibble. But good.
No worries, though: Hiccup and his merry band of Viking teens and their new pets (read: fire-breathing dragons) save the day by going all “X-Wing Fighter” on the Head Dragon Villain’s scaly ass - and blowing it to Kingdom come. Turns out all the other dragons lived in such fear of this Big Bag Mutha of a Lizard, that they were willing to team up with the humans to bust free of his controlling hold. Kind of like a lot of needy chicks and their musician/artist/model boyfriends. Let’s just hope that the ensuing dragon-human bond can withstand the test of time - and appettite. Reminds me of an email that a colleague sent me once, showing a picture of a kitten cuddling with a parakeet. Over the picture, she wrote the words: “AWWWWWWW!!!! OMG!!! SO CUTE!!!” I responded with the words: “GIVE IT A FEW MONTHS, THEN TELL ME HOW CUTE IT REALLY IS. YOU CRAZY BITCH.”
Same deal with the dragons and the humans. Give it time…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON scored big with me. The story was touching, the action scenes were thrilling, the animation was superb, and the emotional core of the film was strong, appealing both to kids and adults. Maybe it’s also because I saw a lot of my relationship with Casper in the relationship between Hiccup and Toothless. Especially in a scene towards the end where Hiccup is trying to sleep, but a rambunctious Toothless keeps head-butting him and bouncing off the walls like a monkey on crack. The only difference is Hiccup doesn’t throw the alarm clock at Toothless while screaming: “FOR THE LOVE OF MOSES!!!!! LET ME SLEEP IN, YOU FUCKING CAT!!!!! IT’S A SATURDAY, GODDAMNIT!!!!”
