(Now that‘s a smile that even Julia Roberts would envy…)
CAST: Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Kim Basinger, Robert Wuhl, Jack Palance, Billy Dee Williams, Michael Gough, Jerry Hall.
DIRECTOR: Tim Burton
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one rich fucker who's got waaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on his hands - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) has been scarred by the death of his parents when he was a young boy, so he figures he‘ll overcome his trauma by dressing up like a bat and using his money to cook up a bunch of high-tech gadgetry to fight crime with. What‘s wrong with just, you know, going to Aruba, getting trashed, and sleeping with everyone in sight, instead? Whatever. It’s not my party. It’s Brucie’s. Anyhow, as if one freakazoid in the form of Batman isn’t enough, another whackjob with a mouth so wide it could suck five dicks at a time starts terrorizing Gotham City. He is the Joker - and he and Batman get along like a lit match and a massive fart. In short, not one of the more intriguing friendships on the silver screen. Before you know it, Batman gets what he wished for: playing goodie-goodie crimefighter to a rapacious dickhead who wears more make-up than Tammy Faye Baker.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Batman. Or, more accurately, all those fucking gadgets he has. Dude has no special powers of his own, let’s face it. Fuck, I could be Batman, given how useless he is on his own without his toys. Unlike my boy Clark Kent/Superman, whose pecs alone could easily cut glass and bust through solid steel - and maybe even whip up an omelet and a cappucino for breakfast, while they’re at it.
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Michael Keaton. Something about that dude‘s eyebrows makes we want to give him a tongue bath. Is that bad? Am I bound for hell?
MOST INTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Joker (Jack Nicholson) crashing Bruce and gal pal Vicky Vale‘s (Kim Basinger) date, while dancing to some ancient form of hip-hop. Scary as hell.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HAIR-RAISING SCENE: The Joker (Jack Nicholson) crashing Bruce and gal pal Vicky Vale‘s (Kim Basinger) date, while dancing to some ancient form of hip-hop. Scary as hell. Oh, and every time Vicky screams. If this how she sounds when comes during sex, Brucie Boy better invest in some serious earplugs. It’s hard enough to control your orgasm without the Banshee From The Seventh Circle Of Hell screeching in your ear.
HOTTEST SCENE: Any scene where Michael Keaton and his “boys” (AKA his eyebrows) are the center of attention.
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will the Joker seize control of Gotham City? Will Batman be able to stop him? Will Vicky Vale suffer from “Lois Lane Syndrome” and miss all the clues pointing to Batman’s real identity? Or will she decide Clark Kent is much hotter than Brucie Boy, even with his Michael Keaton eyebrows, and move to Metropolis and get a job at the Daily Planet? Because let's face it: Bruce Wayne is sizzlin' - but he ain't no Clark Kent...
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “BATMAN”: If you like good, if a little overrated, superhero flicks.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “BATMAN”: If you don’t like overrated superhero flicks.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I remember seeing BATMAN when it first came out in 1989, and finding it just okay. Bottom line: I just don’t think this film is as strong as its sequel BATMAN RETURNS (review coming). Still, it’s good enough, and deserves recognition as the first “Big Summer Superhero Movie”, even if it’s really not as good as others within its own series that came later (BATMAN RETURNS, BATMAN BEGINS, THE DARK KNIGHT), or later superhero films from other series (SPIDERMAN 1 and 2, SUPERMAN RETURNS, and even DAREDEVIL).
Michael Keaton is a surprisingly effective and sexy Batman. I remember the controversy his casting created. I suppose folks were expecting a more typical hero actor like Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, or Kevin Costner. Instead, they got Keaton - and they weren’t too happy about that. Fortunately, Keaton proved the naysayers wrong by more than holding his own against Jack Nicholson as the Joker, and actually investing some welcome humanity to the role of Bruce Wayne. This is one of the more successful “casting-against-type” moves in cinema history.
As Michael Keaton’s love interest, Kim Basinger is merely okay. She’s actually kind of annoying, and isn’t remotely believable as a journalist. Then again, this is a superhero movie. Like Bond films, they don’t exactly make realism their strong suit. That is, until BATMAN BEGINS and THE DARK KNIGHT came along and changed how these movies are made by making gritty realism a requirement. As competent as Basinger is, I would’ve preferred to have seen Sean Young in the role, who unfortunately was injured after filming began and had to drop out. Oh, well…
In the end, BATMAN deserves to be heralded as the first superhero flick that started the trend of expensive summer superhero movies. It’s nowhere near as good as people make it out to be, but it’s good enough to rate ***½ . But it’s definitely no BATMAN RETURNS, which is near perfect in my estimation.
