(Close your eyes - and imagine you‘re watching the trailer for THE ITALIAN STRIKER)
CAST: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Eric Bana, John Cho, Karl Urban, Bruce Greenwood, Anton Yelchin, Winona Ryder, Ben Cross.
DIRECTOR: Jeffrey Abrams
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one hot-ass bunch of trekkies - straight ahead…
IT’S LIKE THIS: With the smash successes of the Batman and Bond franchises in rebooting their respective mythologies with BATMAN BEGINS and CASINO ROYALE, the Star Trek folks decided to stake their own claim to the “Origins Story Jackpot.” And they called it, uh, STAR TREK. Well, at least that cuts down on any potential confusion. Anyway, our story revolves around ultra-sexy bad boy James Tiberius Kirk (Chris Pine), who’s something of a genius in a sizzling-hot rebel’s body. Too bad he is more content to brawl himself to death in local bars. Anyhow, Starship Federation Commander Pike (Bruce Greenwood) sees all the potential in our sexy hero, even if he himself doesn’t, and persuades James to enlist in Starfleet Academy because it could use more of his “leap-before-you-look“ ethos - AKA Steely Swaggering Balls.
For his part, James reacts to this pretty much the same way I did when I was told I won the Leadership Award at Military Leadership School: “Are you fuckers actually fucking with me right now?” Fortunately, both James and I came around, and while I went back to Earth to run this blog, he went on to basically become Cock of the Block at Starfleet Academy. This movie chronicles his first space mission against bloodthirsty Romulan Nero (Eric Bana), as well as how he meets future buds Spock (Zachary “I’m out now! Yay!” Quinto), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), McCoy (Karl Urban), Sulu (John Cho), Scotty (Simon Pegg), and Chekov (Anton Yelchin). And may I say this is the hottest crew of space travelers I have ever seen? Well, except for that dream I had the other night where Chris Evans, Russell Crowe, Famke Janssen, Irene Jacob, Kevin Costner, Jessica Alba, Fabio Cannavaro, Raoul Bova, Paolo Cannavaro, Marco Materazzi, Jeff Parke, and Clark Kent were the crew from ALIEN. And I was the Alien - “eating” them, one-by-one. Let’s just say there were no survivors. Ahem.
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: James Tiberius Kirk. The man is more than just sex on a stick - he’s also got those steel balls of his. Oh, and our pointy-eared Vulcan boy Spock also kicks some solid crosses to our boy James to head into the net. These guys are like the Mauro Rosales and Fredy Montero of the Starship Enterprise. Go, Sounders! Uh, I meant: go, trekkies!
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: Chris Pine is sorta like Chris Evans - but with lighter hair and a smooth chest. Otherwise he’s got the same sexy/smart/goofy vibe. And that’s a good thing. He’s still not as hot as my boy, Chris E., though. And Zachary Quinto, freshly out as a gay man (Yay! I have a shot!), is also pretty smokin’ himself. Then there’s Karl Urban, John Cho, and Simon Pegg. And Bruce Greenwood for those with tastes for vintage. Representing the fairer sex are Zoe Saldana, Winona Ryder, and Rachel Nichols. Everybody wins!
MOST INTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: Anytime James T. Kirk takes control of a situation. Which is pretty much this whole movie. I bet this guy makes everyone cum just by walking into the room…
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY EXCITING SCENE: James watching Uhura undress from underneath her roommate’s bed. I don’t have to tell you that this shit is kinky on so many levels.
HOTTEST SCENE: The moment James declares himself the new captain of the Starship Enterprise - and plops his fine ass down in the captain’s seat… Yowza!
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: Will James, Spock, Uhura, and the rest of the gang triumph over Nero? What does that wacky fucker want anyway? What does a mysterious black hole have to do with Nero’s plan? Is he luring the Starship Enterprise into a trap? Will Captain Pike cede control of the ship to James or Spock? Will the fiery James and cool Spock ever get along? Or are they future best buds in the making? Well, put it this way: all those Star Trek episodes and movies wouldn’t have happened if these two didn’t decide to just say “fuck it!” and together jump on another ship called… the Starship Bromance. Happy honeymoon, guys.
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “STAR TREK”: If you are a super-loyal Trekkie. Or if you just love sci-fi adventures that are smart, sexy, soulful, and smashingly excellent. And if you want to see Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto take ownership of two iconic roles.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “STAR TREK”: If you are not a super-loyal Trekkie. And if you prefer your sci-fi adventures to be dumb, dull, and distressingly mediocre. In which case, go watch ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES or FRANKENHOOKER or something…
BUT, SERIOUSLY: There’s something about taking a franchise/series back to its roots that is so invigorating. Freed from all the “requirements” that have been established by years and years of films, reboots allow the creators to rewrite the rules, while upholding them at the same time. It’s basically a way of taking the old - and giving it a fresh spin. It worked wonders for the Batman franchise with BATMAN BEGINS, and it revived the Bond series with CASINO ROYALE. Now, STAR TREK aims to do the same thing with the Trekkie mythology. Does it succeed?
The answer, quite simply, is “Absolutely.” It was a stroke of genius to hand the reboot duties to director Jeffrey “JJ” Abrams, creator of such small screen hits as LOST and ALIAS, and such big screen winners as MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3, SUPER 8, and CLOVERFIELD. I met him once at a UCLA lecture back in the mid 90’s, when he was hot off writing REGARDING HENRY. The thing I remember the most about the conversation and his lecture was just how passionate and excited he was about films and storytelling. His enthusiasm was so infectious that you couldn’t help but be swept along with it. He brings the same energy and electricity to STAR TREK - it’s a movie that is wily, intelligent, sensitive, exciting, and - above all - fun. In other words, it’s vintage JJ Abrams.
It also helps that Abrams has a perfect cast at his disposal. Chris Pine, put simply, is amazing. He takes complete ownership of the James T. Kirk role, and transforms it with a sexy intensity and sly wit. He’s like someone special I know who can chug back a gallon of beer and drink you under the table, then read some Arrigo Boito poetry to you the next day while discussing the beauty of soccer. In fact, my new nickname for him now is James T because of the way he reminds me of this character’s way of blending smarts, swagger, and sensitivity. Pine does a great job of juggling Kirk’s cavalier side with a certain thoughtfulness. Captain Pike praises Kirk’s penchant to “leap-before-looking”, but Kirk also has a very intellectual side to him. It’s this dynamic blend that I see in both my friend and in Pine’s performance. In short, it’s a star-making one.
Matching Pine, scene for scene, but with a cooler and more cerebral aura is Zachary Quinto as Spock. As with Pine and Kirk, Quinto makes the role of Spock his own and is perfectly cast. He does a great job of showing the emotion bubbling just beneath Spock’s icy surface. Indeed, I think of Spock as basically an Ice Princess role - but male. The danger with the wrong performer in this kind of role is that the character can come off as chilly and unapproachable. You need someone who knows how to express a lot by saying little or nothing, so that we sense all the emotion and fire underneath. Quinto is such an actor, and he vividly portrays Spock’s internal conflict, with his rational Vulcan side wrestling with his emotional human side.
Indeed, pared down to its core, STAR TREK is a platonic romance between two men. James T. Kirk is the fiery foil to Spock’s frosty logic. During the course of the movie, though, these two not only grow to respect each other despite their differences, but also come to learn a lot from one another. Kirk learns to be cautious and disciplined, while Spock learns to trust his emotions, which he keeps tightly and deeply hidden. Pine and Quinto also have a great brotherly chemistry that makes their “love-hate-love” relationship very believable. Lightning truly struck in a bottle with the casting of these two. Their performances are dynamite - and vividly show the very different (but somehow similar) bravery of these men.
On the note of courage, Quinto deserves kudos for finally coming out as a gay man recently. Reportedly moved by the recent suicide of a gay teen, he did it to show other gay teens out there that, yes, it does get better - and that they‘re not alone. Way to go, dude. You’re awesome.
As for the rest of the cast, they are also well-placed. Zoe Saldana makes for a sexy and feline Uhura, blending intelligence and gumption very much the same way the two male leads do. I was glad to see her paired up with Spock and not Kirk, as I expected from the trailers and the first part of the movie. Quinto and Saldana make a beautiful couple. No worries, though, as Kirk is sure to get his own love interest in the sequel.
Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, John Cho, and Anton Yelchin are all spot-on as McCoy, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov. Abrams gives each of them their moment (or moments) to shine. Cho is especially effective (and sexy) during a mid-air hand-to-hand battle sequence. Urban has a nice no-nonsense air about himself that meshes well with Pine’s playful style. It’s just as fun to watch the McCoy/Kirk interactions as it is to watch the Kirk/Spock ones. Finally, Pegg and Yelchin make for great comic relief - that is, when Pine is not providing that himself. And Bruce Greenwood is a warm, welcome presence as Pike, the mentor who gets Kirk to take the leap into Starfleet and realize his vast untapped potential. His rescue by Kirk at the end is particularly suspenseful - and emotionally satisfying.
Abrams also sidesteps the peril that all reboots face: how do you tell an “origins” story and work around the fact that the audience already knows where all of this is heading? I won’t spoil the answer to that question. Suffice it to say, Abrams uses a clever device that keeps us on our toes - but doesn’t cheat us at all. That’s a tricky thing to manage, but Abrams does so gracefully. His action scenes are similarly well-executed, and are kinetic and elegant at the same time.
In the end, STAR TREK can stand tall next to BATMAN BEGINS and CASINO ROYALE as films that reboot us back to the origins of their respective franchises - and do so magnificently. Bravo, JJ.
And James T, this review is dedicated to you. Beers on me tomorrow night.
