(Say bye-bye to the girls of Theta Pi….)
CAST: Briana Evigan, Leah Pipes, Julian Morris, Jaime Chung, Rumer Willis, Margo Harshman, Carrie Fisher, Matt O’Leary, Caroline D’Amore, Matt Lanter, Audrina Partridge.
DIRECTOR: Stewart Hendler
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and mega-biyatches getting some serious biyatch-slapping - straight ahead,,,
IT’S LIKE THIS: It’s senior year at Rosman University for five babes at the alpha sorority Theta Pi, and they are ready to git down. They are: (1) Cassidy (Briana Evigan), level-headed good girl; (2) Jessica (Leah Pipes), acid-tongued ice-cold Queen Bitch; (3) Claire (Jaime Chung), Jessica’s flunky and lapdog; (4) Ellie (Rumer Willis), meek wimpy girl who screams in terror at the drop of a hat; (5) Chugs (Margo Harshman), slutty chick so named because she, well, chugs booze and frat boy semen on a regular basis and is the name I‘d have if I was a sorority chick; and (6) Megan (Audrina Partridge), chick whose defining trait is she has a silicone rack. Oh, and she bites it bad during a prank-gone-wrong at the party the girls throw to kick off the school year. Horrified at the prospect of having to go to prison and wearing unfashionable orange jumpsuits, our five surviving sorority sisters (and one goofy frat boy) conspire to dump Megan’s body down a quarry - and pretend as if the whole thing never happened.
Flash forward nine months or so, and it's graduation time. And who should show up for the event than Megan’s scary younger sister Maggie (Caroline D’Amore). If you think Cassidy, Jessica, Claire, Ellie, and Chugs (ha ha love it) are going to matriculate scott-free - think again. Soon, they’re getting text messages and photos from Megan’s phone, threatening them. Before you can say I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, some killer is running around in a hooded graduation gown offing our lovely lasses, one-by-one. Talk about a killer graduation party…
THE DUDE (OR DUDETTE) MOST LIKELY TO SAVE THE DAY: Cassidy seems to be the only girl who isn’t (1) an alcoholic, frat boy cum-guzzling whore; (2) an icy, sarcastic bitch; (3) an icy, sarcastic bitch’s flunky; or (4) a meek wimpy girl who screams at the drop of a hat. My bet’s on Cass…
EYE CANDY MOST LIKELY TO FIRE UP A WOODY: The chicks are all hot as hell, but my vote goes to Julian Morris as Cassidy’s loyal boyfriend Andy. Siiiiizzzzzlinnnnngggg…..
MOST INTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: Claire wading into the gigantic remains of a foam party - with the killer waiting in the suds. Talk about a clean kill….
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY SCARY SCENE: At the beginning of the movie, when Jessica reacts with outrage when Megan says her boyfriend Garrett (Matt O’Leary) cheated on her. “You cheat on one Theta, you cheat on all Thetas!” says our bitchy Sorority Queen. Excuse me? How the fuck did this bitch get into college?
HOTTEST SCENE: Maggie leveling Jessica with an awesome comeback. Something to do with Jessica’s hair looking like shit. You’ll see. Best scene in the whole goddamn movie…
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: So… who is the killer in the hooded graduation gown? Is it really Megan coming back from the dead for revenge? Or is it Garret, who was the target of the prank-gone-wrong? Or is it Maggie, who may be wielding something more deadly than just a razor-sharp tongue? Or is it Mrs. Crenshaw (Carrie Fisher), who’s finally sick and tired of the crazy bitches? And most importantly: what will Chugs put in her mouth next? Maybe she should change her name to Suckz…
WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH “SORORITY ROW”: If you like reasonably scary and entertaining horror/slashers that are seriously helped by a great sense of humor and sharp cast.
WHY YOU MAY NOT ENJOY “SORORITY ROW”: If you are so over the whole slasher trend/horror remake that SCREAM and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE started. And if you have no sense of humor. If so, avoid this party big time.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: After HALLOWEEN’s tremendous success in 1978, the modern slasher genre was born. Movies like FRIDAY THE 13th, PROM NIGHT, TERROR TRAIN, NEW YEAR’S EVIL, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, THE PROWLER, FINAL EXAM, and CURTAINS came barreling down the cinematic pipe. Eventually, though, audiences began to tire of these films, mostly to do with the increasingly poor quality. So much so that by the time a film titled THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW was released in 1983, most movie-goers were going elsewhere and missed it entirely. That’s a shame because THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW was one of the better entries into the genre and has gained a cult following over the years. Classy, elegant, and sleek, THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW chronicled what happens when seven sorority sisters pull a prank on their housemother that goes horribly wrong - and their subsequent pursuit by a mysterious killer on graduation night.
I was quite glad when I heard in 2008 that THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW was getting a remake. I’m a big fan of the original, and a remake would bring it some much-delayed and much-deserved attention. Plus, I was interested to see how the makers would update the original film’s premise for a new generation. I was hoping that the remake would be one of the better ones - and not join the 2006 remake of BLACK CHRISTMAS as yet another sorority-set slasher re-do that should’ve never been made. Would I be disappointed?
Put simply, no. In fact, I was quite pleased. Its title shortened to the more streamlined SORORITY ROW, the remake is leagues ahead of most out there, and can stand proudly next to THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW as a horror slasher that combines equal parts smarts, scares, and snarks. Indeed, it's SORORITY ROW’s sharply-written characters and their acid wit that seals this film’s status as an outright good film. All of the characters are vividly defined and are given sufficient nuance and dimension so as not to register as stereotypes. Director Stewart Hendler doesn’t just want to scare us - he wants to make us laugh, as well. In fact, out of all the movies that SCREAM inspired, it is this one that most resembles its nice blend of yuks and yikes.
Briana Evigan makes for a great heroine who’s concerned about doing the right thing. However, Evigan gives Cassidy a lot of other levels to keep her from turning into a boring goodie-goodie. Same goes for Rumer Willis as Ellie. Willis is the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, and has an interesting beauty that is fragile and tentative - perfect for the role of Ellie - who finds her backbone throughout the film. Willis gives Ellie enough hints of steel to keep us from writing her off as a cowering victim. Jaime Chung is nicely vulnerable as Claire, the girl who follows the bitchy Jessica’s every lead. There’s a nice scene between Chung and Evigan where they contemplate the bad decisions they made one year go. It’s nicely played by both actresses, and this exchange typifies SORORITY ROW’s tendency to give us depth and nuance when we least expect it.
Margo Harshman is a droll, unpredictable delight as the promiscuous Chugs. As with the other actresses, she manages to give her character layers with expressions and non-verbals. Watch for the scene in Chugs’ therapist’s bathroom where Chugs studies her reflection for a second or two - then say two words that reveal so much about her. Another example of SORORITY ROW’s penchant for being smarter than anyone gives it credit for.
Then there’s the girl who steals the show as the ultra-icy and sarcastic sorority queen Jessica. Leah Pipes is nothing short of a delight as Ice Princess who has a quippy zinger for everything - and who is concerned only for her well-being, in the end. But, as with the others, Pipes also shows Jessica’s uncertainty and weaknesses. Such as in the lunch scene with her boyfriend’s father - where she comes across like a nervous little girl. Good work on Pipes’ part.
Caroline D’Amore also does strongly in the relatively smaller part of Megan’s potentially-vengeful sister, Maggie. She has the best line in the whole movie when she squares off against Jessica in one scene. The audience was dying with laughter in this part, and rightfully so. D’Amore ultimately doesn’t have as much as screen time as the other ladies, but she runs with what she has and makes it sing. Same with Carrie Fisher as the tough and loyal housemother who literally lays her life on the line for her girls.
Of the male cast consisting of Matt Lanter, Matt O’Leary, and Julian Morris, it is Morris who makes the biggest impression. As Cassidy’s steadfast boyfriend Andy, he makes it clear why such a unique and smart girl like Cassidy would choose him to be by her side. He’s adorable. And he and Evigan make a beautiful couple.
In the end, SORORITY ROW is an underrated slasher remake that suffered the same fate as it predecessor: it was released at the tail-end of the slasher craze, and as a result was missed by many. However, like its predecessor, it is a good example of how to scare people and make them laugh at the same time….
