(It‘s the end of the world as we know it, and these chicks feel fine. Look damn fine, too…)
CAST: Catherine Mary Stewart, Kelli Maroney, Robert Beltran, Mary Woronov, Geoffrey Lewis, Michael Bowen, Sharon Farrell.
DIRECTOR: Thom Eberhardt
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and one really awesome End-Of-The-World scenario - straight ahead….
Ah, the End Of The World. It’s been portrayed so many times in so many movies that I feel practically trained on how to survive the apocalypse. Whether it’s by a zombie epidemic (DAWN OF THE DEAD, DAY OF THE DEAD, ZOMBIE), pandemic plague (28 DAYS LATER, CONTAGION, I AM LEGEND), sudden ice age (THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW), asteroid impact (DEEP IMPACT, ARMAGEDDON), or nuclear annihilation (THE DAY AFTER, THREADS, TESTAMENT), I think me and my homies have got the “survivalist” thang covered.
Then there’s NIGHT OF THE COMET, our latest Valentine’s 2012 review. It’s got to be the coolest fucking End Of The World flick ever. You’re probably also wondering how a movie about the End Of The World And Life As We Know It could possibly also be a Valentine Flick? I mean what kind of kinky, perverted, demented, bizarro fuckhead would do that? Ahem? Well, patience, my dear bitches and I shall explain. You see, this flick has two of the coolest heroines ever to grace any movie, let alone an End Of The World one. Hence the “Coolest Effing E of W Movie” honor I bestowed. Oh, and these chicks are also sisters who would kill for one another - and do! Hence the inclusion into our Valentine’s 2012 line-up. This is a Valentine to all tight sisters everywhere. Bust that! Oh, and when I write “tight”, I mean relationship-wise, not bod-wise. Although that is applicable, too. Since these two are fairly delectable. Check ‘em out:
Our hot sistahs are Los Angeles babes Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) and Samantha (Kelli Maroney). Reg is your basic hot tomboy who loves video games and movies (she works in a movie theater), while Sam is your basic perky cheerleader who loves, well, jock cock from the looks of it (you can just see it in her eyes - or have I been staring at my reflection again - whatever). Anyhow, our lovely lasses’ existence gets turned upside down with the news of the arrival of Halley’s Comet. Yes, folks, that Halley’s Comet. Now, from what I can gather, Halley’s Comet passes every 76 years or some shit like that. However, this current pass will take it the closest it’s ever been to Earth. In fact, the last time it passed this close was when… the dinosaurs disappeared. Uh-fucking-oh, people…
Now, folks, I don’t claim to be anything approaching an intellectual, but if I heard that a large celestial body capable of vaporizing entire planetoids was about to pass very close to Earth, and the last time it passed this close was around the time a whole fucking species of ancient creatures vanished, I think it would be safe to say my ass would in the first elevator heading down into the deepest bunker on Earth. You would think that an entire world full of people smarter than me would do the same. You would think that - but you’d be fucking disappointed. Because compared to the rest of the folks in this movie, I am apparently Albert Goddamned Einstein when it comes to survival. Everyone’s reaction to the news of Halley’s arrival is met with: partying and celebrating in the streets like it was Mardi Gras/Carnevale all over again (which I barely survived this year - three bottles of vodka over three hours will do that to you - but I digress).
Sure enough, when the Comet swoops by, all the dipshits conga-ing and macarena-ing in the streets below get vaporized into a fine, red dust. And just like that, the population of the Earth drops from about 12,000,0000,0000 to, oh, around 232. And about 80% of that surviving 232 are marauding, blood-thirsty zombies who were only partially-exposed because they were indoors at the time of the comet’s passing - and are now slowly disintegrating. And the other 20% are true survivors who managed to be inside steel-encased rooms at the crucial moment - and were completely protected from the radiation. Look, I didn’t write the fucking script, okay?
Reggie and Sammie are two of the lucky ones. Reggie just happened to be fucking her boyfriend Larry (Michael Bowen) in the steel-walled projection booth when the comet passed, while Sammie got into a fight with their bitchy step mom Doris (Sharon Farrell) and spent the night in the steel-walled lawn storage shed as a result (don’t ask). Suffice it to say, our two hot sistahs were very lucky indeed. Larry ain’t as lucky, though, because he no sooner steps out of that projection booth the next morning before a slobbering Comet Zombie clobbers him over the head and eats him (and not in that good way - ahem). Looks like the gals are going to have to save themselves now.
What happens now? How will Reggie and Sammie escape the ravenous Comet Zombies? Are they the only survivors left in the World? Or even just the Greater Los Angeles Area? Will they take advantage of all those empty shopping malls and go buck-wild? And what happens when they find themselves being “rescued” by a bunch of scientists from the desert? Are the scientists survivors, too? Or are they hiding a deadly secret from Reggie and Sam? Then there’s the hot truck driver named Hector (Robert Beltran) who spent the night in the back of his truck (steel alert), which makes him another survivor? Will he save the day? Or will he forsake Reggie and Sam to check on his family down in San Diego? How will the End Of The World, um, end?
I know where my ass would be - ransacking the local REI and Scuba Pro shop. With everyone else gone, we’d have all the trails and dive sites to ourselves. YEAH!!!
BUT, SERIOUSLY: Sometimes, a movie can have such a ludicrous premise, but such a cheeky, charming, and confident execution that it instantly wins you over. NIGHT OF THE COMET is one such film. The concept of Halley’s Comet vaporizing 99.9% of the Earth’s population, leaving only two Valley Girls as the sole survivors in L.A., pursued by both the “Comet Zombies” and infected scientists who need their blood for a serum, is a decidedly B-movie concept. But director Thom Eberhardt and his talented cast led by terrific Catherine Mary Stewart and Kelli Maroney seriously elevate the material with their skill. In fact, the only reason NIGHT OF THE COMET doesn’t rate higher than a **** rating (very good) is because you end up enjoying the movie so much that you wish they would’ve done more with that premise. However, given NIGHT OF THE COMET’s low budget, we should be grateful we get such a smart, sardonic, and suspenseful movie.
This movie is remembered by many film buffs who grew up in the 80s as something of a semi-classic. I vividly remember going to the local theater to watch this with some friends - and how thrilled we were throughout the whole experience. We turned right around and watched it again the next night. Suffice it to say, we were won over - big time. To this day, NIGHT OF THE COMET has a special place in my heart.
Speaking of hearts, we talked about how NIGHT OF THE COMET is a Valentine to sisterly relationships everywhere. It’s an unexpected but still very apt description. NIGHT OF THE COMET is as enjoyable as it is because we are so hooked into the plight of its leading ladies. Catherine Mary Stewart and Kelli Maroney are very believable as sisters, and they make Reggie and Sam distinct, vivid, and unique individuals instead of the caricatured Valley Girl stereotypes they could’ve been. The actresses do this by nice little human touches and expressions. A good example involves Reggie’s apprehensive conversation with Hector, where she begs him to come back alive from San Diego. Stewart shows the frightened little girl under Reggie’s tough, forceful exterior with tiny vocal inflections and eloquent expressions.
Then there’s the best scene in the whole movie (You Tube vid below) where the sisters have a nice heart-to-heart on the hood of a police car. Sam talks about a guy she had a crush on whom she was sure was about to ask her out, and also about her best friend Cathy who was flunking Algebra and was worried about her parents finding out. Sam jokes about how fortuitous the passing of the comet was for Cathy - but does so in tearfully ironic way. The way Maroney plays this scene is a Master Class in showing layers of emotion through subtext and expressions, in a very short amount of time. Touches me every single time. Maroney should’ve gone on to bigger things the way Stewart did.
This poignant scene then segues into a cheerful shopping montage sequence set to the classic song “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” - and is an energetic passage that is one of the film’s highlights. This whole set of scenes perfectly embodies NIGHT OF THE COMET’s fluid and entertaining ability to be sensitive, sexy, scary, and hilarious - all at the same time. It truly is an underrated gem that should’ve done better when it first came out in 1984. There have been talks of a remake, and while part of me would like to see the central concept expanded with a bigger budget, another part of me realizes that what makes this movie so special is its intimacy - which is largely due to the low budget that forced Eberhardt and his cast to keep things on a human scale. The result is a comedy/sci-fi/horror that is not only a perfect balance of those genres, but also of character, plot, and spectacle. Actually, scratch that: the script actually makes the characters more important than the plot, and that’s why the movie has such an impact on us.
Robert Beltran, Mary Woronov, Geoffrey Lewis, Michael Bowen, and Sharon Farrell are equally fine as either victims, survivalists, and survivors of the comet. Make no mistake, though: this movie belongs to Catherine Mary Stewart and Kelli Maroney as the two Valley Girl sisters who have each other’s backs - and kick some serious Comet Zombie Ass. Consider this a Valentine to sisters and their bond with each other. Go, girls.
I dedicate this review to my own sister. I’d throw myself onto a million Comet Zombies for her. Love ya, sis.
In closing, please revel in some tunes from NIGHT OF THE COMET’s soundtrack: Revolver’s zippy “Unbelievable” and sweet “Lady In Love“. Then there’s the best scene in the whole movie: Sam and Reggie’s heart-to-heart scene on the police car, and then their subsequent “Shopping Adventure” in the deserted store. Go, sisters…
Oh, and just because you know you can't get enough of Reggie and Sam's song:
