(It takes more than a jacket and Aviator sunglasses to be a keeper of the peace, dipshits....)
CAST: Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade, Rosemarie DeWitt, Billy Crudup, Will Forte, R. Lee Ermey.
DIRECTOR: Akiva Schaffer
WARNING: Some SPOILERS and some damn good reasons to ban neighborhood watchers - straight ahead...
IT'S LIKE THIS: A couple of months ago, on the way home from work, I swung by the grocery store near my place. Armed with a couple bags of groceries, I strolled home. Halfway there, I got a text message from a friend, and stopped on the sidewalk to text back. After a few moments, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up in what my Mom says is my "Sixth Sense Barometer" kicking into action. Sure enough, I looked up in time to see something fucking bizarre: through the front bay window of a house nearby, I saw some dude taking pictures of me through his cell-phone. I could even hear the faint "click/whirr" and flash of the camera phone. Seeing that I spotted him, he ducked out of sight. Leaving me to stand there on the sidewalk, the text to my friend half-written and completely forgotten, thinking to myself: "What. The. Serious. Fuck?"
I picked up my groceries and scurried away, lest the dipshit decide to conduct another unauthorized photo shoot of me. When I got home just literally minutes later, I called another friend (not the one who texted me) and said, "Dude, I totally just got SLIVER-ed by a neighbor! And the guy wasn't even anywhere as cute as Billy Baldwin!!!" SLIVER, if you folks will recall, is the 1993 Sharon Stone/William Baldwin/Tom Berenger underrated misfire wherein La Shazza played a book editor who moves into a high-class Manhattan high-rise apartment building - only to be stalked via electronic cameras and computerized surveillance by Billy B., who was like Dracula, only much sexier and without fangs. I mean, if you're going to get stalked, at least let it by a cute hairy guy, right?
After I finished recounting the incident, my friend was like: "No, dude. You didn't get SLIVER-ed. You got NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH-ed." If you folks recall, NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH is the recent Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn/Jonah Hill/Richard Ayoade alleged yuk-fest that was retitled THE WATCH because of the unfortunate incidents in Florida this summer. But to be frank, whether titled NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH or simply THE WATCH, the movie sucks worse than a lesbian trying to give a blowjob. But more on that in the BUT, SERIOUSLY portion of our review.
So, essentially, my friend was saying that my "secret admirer" was actually thinking I was a baddie plotting something heinous - and hence took my picture as, I guess, evidence. My response was, "While standing right there in front of his house? In broad daylight? Dressed up in Calvin Klein and Puma? Listening to Puccini on my Ipod? With two Safeway recyclable shopping bags filled with veggies, salmon fillets, French bread, and Pinot Noir? Texting someone? Is he fucking dense?" There was a pause on the other end of the phone, then my friend responded: "Hmmmmm... Actually, maybe you did get SLIVER-ed. At least you know where he lives if you ever want to take him up on it." Thanks, asshole.
At least in THE WATCH (formerly NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH), our dumbass heroes do more than just hide behind drapes and take surreptitious pictures of people walking by their house. Of course, that's if you can count just walking around the 'hood looking like smug, colossal choads in their silly-ass "Neighborhood Watch" jackets, as "more." I think my cats Casper and Guido would be more effective keepers of the peace than these four clowns. And given what hellraisers those two feline bastards are, that is saying a whole lot. Like father, like sons, I guess.
Anyhow, our heroes are: (1) Evan (Ben Stiller), a seriously square Costco general manager who makes Mr. Rogers look like one unpredictably adventurous cat; (2) Bob (Vince Vaughn), a seriously kooky businessman who spends most of his time monitoring his teenage daughter's Facebook usage (ick); (3) Franklin (Jonah Hill), a Police Academy dropout who still lives at home and sees this gig as a way to be the cop that he didn't have the balls (or skills) to be; and (4) Jamarcus (Richard Ayoade), a British dude who joins up for the off-chance (very off-chance) that he might score a blowjob from some Asian housewife one night. Someone should tell him to go to Thailand or the Philippines on vacation, instead. That's a safer bet, dude. And a surer thing. Just saying...
Evan assembles the neighborhood watch gang when one of the security guards at Costco is brutally murdered one night by something that growls a lot and moves pretty fast. Normally, I would guess that the guard dogs of the place are the culprits, but given how BIG this thing looks, I would have to say that it's something else. Somehow, Evan thinks that he and his three "assistants" can act like some sort of collective "Guardian Angel/Sherlock Holmes" unit. Of course, whereas a truly clever investigator would, you know, do some legwork and actual investigating, these four idiots decide to just sit in Evan's SUV in the Costco parking lot - and wait for something to happen. No, folks... these guys aren't the most pro-active or sharpest detectives in history. Not even close. I should also mention that they also end up peeing into bottles during these surveillance gigs. Which means they're not even smart enough to use the bushes nearby. Lord help this neighborhood. These morons wouldn't know a true clue if it ran right in front of them.
Then, one night, it actually does. Something BIG runs across their headlights during one of their useless wanderings around town. Something BIG and SLIMY. They investigate a little (fucking finally!) and discover some weird-looking helmet/orb/thing. Of course, before they can explore it for too long, they are chased off by Manfred (R. Lee Ermey), the insane farmer whose land the big and slimy thing ran into. Of course, when they return the next night to question Manfred about whether or not he's noticed anything strange since the night before, they discover him being eaten - by an alien. Yes. An a-l-i-e-n.
Yes, folks... believe it or not, we're smack-dab in the middle of yet another "Alien Invasion" flick. Despite THE WATCH's sub-sub-Judd Apatow "Bromedy" surface antics, it is really closer underneath to flicks like BATTLE: LOS ANGELES, THE DARKEST HOUR, WAR OF THE WORLDS, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, and THEY LIVE - but nowhere near as decent as those films. It's a lot like going on a date with a chick who seems cool and nice and sweet on the surface, but turns out to be a raving psycho-bitch underneath. In other words: "WHAT. THE. SERIOUS. FUCK?!?!" You could practically hear the groans of disappointment from the audience when it was revealed that, yes, our four dumb shit "heroes" would be squaring off against baddies more familiar to us than Megan Fox's pout or Matthew McConaughey's abs. As in: "Yawn."
And, true to INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS tradition, the aliens can assume human form - and blend in. So, now, not only do Evan, Bob, Franklin, and Jamarcus have to grapple with the fact that aliens have come to Earth, they also have to deal with the fact that they... could... be... ANYONE. Oh, and these four rocket scientists also have to figure out what the aliens' master plan is - and find a way to stop them before it's too late.
So... who is an alien? Evan? Bob? Franklin? Jamarcus? Manfred? Evan's wife Abby (Rosemarie DeWitt)? Or is that bizarro neighbor of theirs (Billy Crudup), who keeps looking at Evan like he wants to suck his nuts dry? Is he a monster - or just a garden-variety pervo? What dastardly plan do the aliens have? How can four numbnuts with the collective IQ of 78 beat creatures from another galaxy with advanced intelligence and super-duper technology? With these guys as our potential "saviors," is the Earth pretty much fucked?
Yes. Yes, it is... And so is my bastard neighbor if he ever takes my picture like that ever again.
BUT, SERIOUSLY: There's been much speculation lately as to what the biggest disappointment of the Summer 2012 Movie Season is. Many folks say PROMETHEUS, which - despite its visual splendor - gave us two weak leads and multiple setups that never paid off (or make much sense), banking instead on an eventual sequel (that may not get made now) to explain everything. The truth is, while PROMETHEUS was indeed hampered by wan turns from Noomi Rapace and Logan Marshall Green, it was a strong film that was helped by the dynamic presence of "secondary leads" Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender, and also refused to easily reveal the solutions to its mysteries - and I like that. Then there are those who also cite THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (which, by the way, is an excellent film) because it falls short of THE DARK KNIGHT's glory. But how could it match it, given its complex task of tying up all the trilogy's loose ends? THE DARK KNIGHT RISES was as excellent a trilogy-capper as we could have ever hoped for.
Then there are the Sam Raimi/Tobey Maguire loyalists who cite THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN (an even better film than THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, by the way, on par with THE DARK KNIGHT) as the season's biggest disappointment because of how it departs from the previous Spideman films' borderline-silly comic book tone, and opts for a grittier, more realistic and emotionally resonant feel. The fact of the matter is, THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN gives us a much more dynamic and compelling Peter Parker/Spiderman than Maguire ever did, in the form of the breathtakingly talented Andrew Garfield, who proves that muscles do not make the man - but a good heart, a clever mind, and an iron will. All one has to do is go back to Garfield's heartbreaking debut back in BOY A in 2007 - and his every film since then (THE IMAGINARIUM OF DR. PARNASSUS, NEVER LET ME GO, THE SOCIAL NETWORK, RED RIDING 1974) to see the magic he would eventually bring to THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN.
No, I think the Summer 2012 Movie Season's only real disappointment is... THE WATCH. With a cast that includes such talented comedians as Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade, and Will Forte, it is staggering to find out THE WATCH is a dull, boring, and almost laugh-free film. Imagine if the much-awaited pairing of Robert De Niro and Al Pacino in HEAT had not resulted in the stellar film that it did - and had turned out to be a banal affair? THE WATCH would be the comedy equivalent of that scenario. This film is a textbook case of how NOT to write or make a comedy. It is one of the films we were so looking forward to because of the four leads, but it is ultimately the one that disappointed us the most because of how its talented stars and potentially interesting premise is mishandled.
Ultimately, the script must shoulder all of the blame here. Quite frankly, it's just not funny or clever. Instead, it feels stale and tired. Stiller, Vaughn, Hill, Ayoade, Forte, and DeWitt do what they can with the material that they're given, but they're on a sinking ship here. While the lead quartet do have a certain energy together, they are eventually defeated by the sub-par routines the script assigns them. Stiller and Hill, especially, are wasted - with both of them getting almost no opportunities to shine. Only Vaughn and Ayoade manage to wring some chuckles from the audience. Vaughn's rapid-fire wit and unerring delivery helps him a lot here, while Ayoade's sexy weirdness and trademark British wit goes a long way in making us sit up when he's in-frame. In fact, these two are the only reasons THE WATCH rates ** (mediocre) and not any lower. Had they had more screentime, that rating might have gone up to average (**1/2). But even if that were the case, we've already had some great comedies this year in the form of 21 JUMP STREET, THE DICTATOR, TED, and, most recently, THE CAMPAIGN (review coming) - and THE WATCH falls short, no matter what.
Another reason the script fails is because of how it tries to shoehorn (badly) yet another "Alien Invasion" premise into what looks and feels like a typical Judd Apatow-style "Male Bonding" comedy. This plot thread is handled ludicrously in THE WATCH, and you can sense that the producers must have been flummoxed by it because of how awkwardly it is handled in the trailers and TV spots. Which brings to mind the question of what exactly the makers of this movie were trying to sell? And to whom? Which is too bad, because the idea of four misfits banding together to form a neighborhood watch team to protect their turf, only to discover a formidable threat that only they can stop, has real promise. But did it have to be "aliens"? Perhaps this idea looked good on paper, and was botched in the execution. In any case, this whole angle fails to work at all.
It's a real shame, because with some rewrites designed to replace the alien threat with a more credible adversary, and punch up the characters and humor, THE WATCH could've easily been yet another comedy classic. Especially with the comic geniuses of Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade, and Will Forte involved. Instead, we get a mediocre comedy that is, in the end, the true Biggest Disappointment of the Summer 2012 Movie Season.
What a shame.
